why do so many couples ban opp sex friends?

[love4me2c]

Outright banning opposite sex friends is not healthy. However, there are certain boundaries when it comes to ex's. I do not think it is appropriate for people to maintain contact with ex's when in a committed relationship with another unless they have children. I'm struggling with this right now and it is very tough to defend my position. I'm told I'm a control freak and insecure. My marriage ended because my husband wanted to maintain contact with his ex wife whom I knew he still had a thing for.

[cdm369]

Here is what a lot of people don't understand. EVERYONE has the potentilnal to cheat. EVERYONE!!! Wrong place...wrong time...wrong circumstances and it can happen to amyone. People look at it as a CONTROL issue instead of thinking about not putting their partner in a position to have to think about it. Did my girl tell me I couldn't text my close female friends or go hang out with them.....NO. I do that of my own free will out of RESPECT for her and our R. People unnecessarily put themselves in bad spots like this. No one is above failing. Lack of opportunity is the best defense.

[piggyoink]

Outright banning opposite sex friends is not healthy. However, there are certain boundaries when it comes to ex's. I do not think it is appropriate for people to maintain contact with ex's when in a committed relationship with another unless they have children. I'm struggling with this right now and it is very tough to defend my position. I'm told I'm a control freak and insecure. My marriage ended because my husband wanted to maintain contact with his ex wife whom I knew he still had a thing for.

 

Thats right , its unhealthy, and signifies a blatant control issue. People are not animals nor are they Goreans.

[RiverRunning]

Outright banning opposite sex friends is not healthy. However, there are certain boundaries when it comes to ex's. I do not think it is appropriate for people to maintain contact with ex's when in a committed relationship with another unless they have children. I'm struggling with this right now and it is very tough to defend my position. I'm told I'm a control freak and insecure. My marriage ended because my husband wanted to maintain contact with his ex wife whom I knew he still had a thing for.

 

 

I agree with you. And I am sorry to hear that your husband would have rather stayed in touch with his ex-wife than preserve his relationship with you. It is just amazing to me how incapable most people are of LETTING GO of past relationships. It truly boggles my mind.

 

I am also sorry that you are branded a 'control freak' and 'insecure' because of this issue. For some reason in this society being 'jealous' and 'insecure' is treated as though it is never acceptable or as though it's entirely a character flaw in the person suffering from it.

 

The only way it ended in my situation was when another guy was interested in me, and suddenly my partner shaped up. He stopped calling me 'controlling,' 'irrational,' 'jealous,' and 'insecure,' because suddenly he was clamming up every time an old co-worker called me and getting jealous.

 

Being jealous is a normal human behavior when you feel that a primary relationship is being threatened. The ex does not have to be right there in your face for it to be a threat. If he still has feelings for her or pines for her, she is still a threat. Often, the people calling you 'jealous' are just doing that so they can preserve what they have - you as a relationship partner and the ex on the back-burner to admire. If they can make you doubt yourself, they can try to make the problem go away without changing anything.

 

I don't think there is anything wrong with you. I think you're rather justified. You almost never hear of 'exes who are just friends' - usually that happens when they have kids. But especially for younger people (in their 20s and 30s)? It's usually a huge red flag.

[piggyoink]

http://www.oprah.com/relationships/Understanding-Jealousy-Helen-Fisher-PhD-on-Relationships

Your sweetheart calls you by another's name. His eyes linger too long on your best friend. He talks with excitement about a girl at work. And the fire catches. Jealousy—that sickening combination of possessiveness, suspicion, rage, and humiliation—can overtake your mind and threaten your very core as you contemplate your rival.

 

The green-eyed monster, as Shakespeare called it, can camp in your head at any time during a relationship: when you are madly in love, when you are snugly attached, even when you dislike your partner. Neither gender is routinely more jealous—although women are more willing to work to win back a lover, while men tend to flaunt their money and status and are more likely to walk out to protect their self-esteem or save face.

 

Jealousy bedevils other creatures, too. Primatologist Jane Goodall describes Passion, a female chimp who was tipping her buttocks toward a young male in the classic (for chimps) "come hither" pose when he ignored her and began to court another. Passion slapped him—hard. Bluebirds are also jealous. In one experiment involving a breeding pair, evolutionary biologist David Barash waited until the cock was away, and then placed a stuffed male on a branch about three feet from the nest, where the female rested. When the cock returned, he began to squawk, hover, and snap his bill in fury at the dummy. Then he attacked his mate, pulling feathers from her wing. She fled.

 

Why do we feel jealousy? Therapists often regard the demon as a scar of childhood trauma or a symptom of a psychological problem. And it's true that people who feel inadequate, insecure, or overly dependent tend to be more jealous than others. But the "monster" actually evolved for positive reasons. Throughout our primordial past it discouraged desertion by a mate, bolstering the family unit and enabling the survival of the young. At the same time, it has pushed us to abandon philanderers—and many a futile match—in favor of more stable and rewarding partnerships. Jealousy can even be good for love. One partner may feel secretly flattered when the other is mildly jealous. And catching someone flirting with your beloved can spark the kind of lust and romance that reignites a relationship.

 

But jealousy can go seriously awry. Some people, for no apparent reason, become consumed by it, undermining their self-esteem, and even driving their partner into another's arms—the very outcome they had feared. In the worst cases, they become violent. (Jealousy is indeed a leading cause of spousal homicide worldwide.)

 

So what can you do if jealousy is making you miserable? First, figure out whether he's actually cheating. If he is, you have a different problem: what to do about your relationship. But if you find yourself snooping through your lover's pockets, or reading his e-mails on the sly, stop. This is demeaning to you. Explain that you are working to control your suspicion but would like him to help you by not provoking it. And if you can't stop spying or obsessing (and many of us can't), it's time to consult a mental health professional. Ultimately, though, you may never feel emotionally secure with a flirtatious mate—in which case you might consider some wisdom from Zen philosophy: The way out is through the door.

 

[freestyle]

 

Being jealous is a normal human behavior when you feel that a primary relationship is being threatened. The ex does not have to be right there in your face for it to be a threat.

 

 

This ^^^ is the point so many people seem to miss. Well said, RR.

 

There's a HUGE difference between rational jealousy, and irrational jealousy.

 

If my SO blows me off to spend time with a female friend, and I'm not invited---OF COURSE I'm going to feel jealous.It doesn't mean that I'm insecure, or have low self-esteem. It means that I'm concerned about my primary relationship being undermined. And I would begin to question my SO's level of commitment to OUR relationship............

 

From my own experience, and based on what I've read here for a few years--those who are quick to label someone as "controlling/irrational/insecure/"just jealous"---

 

Have never been put in that uncomfortable position of wondering what their partner is up to.......

 

OR

 

They are the types to keep opposite sex friends around on purpose---to keep their partner "on his/her toes" ........

 

("You better jump through all of my hoops, cuz I've got potential replacements lined up"..........)

 

OR

 

They are the types who will blameshift, and not own their own behavior.

Cheaters notoriously toss those labels around when their partner begins to suspect that something's a little too friendly about an OS friendship.It keeps the betrayed partner second-guessing their own intuition:

 

"gosh............am I just imagining things because I'm insecure/controlling/irrational???"

 

While the cheater is actually being the controlling party---there's no greater form of control than withholding information from your partner.Denying them the right to make an accurately informed decision about where they're investing their emotional currency.

[nofool4u]

Thats right , its unhealthy, and signifies a blatant control issue. People are not animals nor are they Goreans.

 

You obviously didn't get it. Of course its unhealthy to ban opposite sex friends. I certainly wouldn't do it.

 

But there are boundaries that should be in place because there ARE certain behaviors when being with the opposite sex that aren't appropriate. Simple as that.

 

And anyone that has a problem with boundaries are those that want the option to cross the line in the first place.

[RiverRunning]

This ^^^ is the point so many people seem to miss. Well said, RR.

 

There's a HUGE difference between rational jealousy, and irrational jealousy.

 

If my SO blows me off to spend time with a female friend, and I'm not invited---OF COURSE I'm going to feel jealous.It doesn't mean that I'm insecure, or have low self-esteem. It means that I'm concerned about my primary relationship being undermined. And I would begin to question my SO's level of commitment to OUR relationship............

 

From my own experience, and based on what I've read here for a few years--those who are quick to label someone as "controlling/irrational/insecure/"just jealous"---

 

Have never been put in that uncomfortable position of wondering what their partner is up to.......

 

OR

 

They are the types to keep opposite sex friends around on purpose---to keep their partner "on his/her toes" ........

 

("You better jump through all of my hoops, cuz I've got potential replacements lined up"..........)

 

OR

 

They are the types who will blameshift, and not own their own behavior.

Cheaters notoriously toss those labels around when their partner begins to suspect that something's a little too friendly about an OS friendship.It keeps the betrayed partner second-guessing their own intuition:

 

"gosh............am I just imagining things because I'm insecure/controlling/irrational???"

 

While the cheater is actually being the controlling party---there's no greater form of control than withholding information from your partner.Denying them the right to make an accurately informed decision about where they're investing their emotional currency.

 

 

 

Cheaters are kings of gas-lighting. "It's you. You're wrong/controlling/etc." Earlier in my own relationship I was having a total internal crisis and I felt like I was losing my mind. I had a boyfriend telling me all of those things about the controlling/jealous behavior. I grew up with a mother who was the same way - criticizing me to no end, blaming me for everything, etc. - so I was more prone to believe that. In fact, I was convinced that my head was messed up and I was just seeing things totally wrong for TWO people to slam me with that.

 

I'm telling you, most guys who are really close to another woman/an ex are one guy away from seeing the errors of their ways and straightening themselves out. It takes one guy to start looking at their girlfriend - and they either go ballistic and leave or they start analyzing their own behavior and realize that they need to change to keep her.

 

I'm older now and I realize it's fine for me to have my boundaries and it's fine for me to enforce them in a relationship. If you want total freedom, go be single. If you want to be in a relationship, accept you will have to make some adjustments for me too.

[freestyle]

Cheaters are kings of gas-lighting. "It's you. You're wrong/controlling/etc." Earlier in my own relationship I was having a total internal crisis and I felt like I was losing my mind. I had a boyfriend telling me all of those things about the controlling/jealous behavior. I grew up with a mother who was the same way - criticizing me to no end, blaming me for everything, etc. - so I was more prone to believe that. In fact, I was convinced that my head was messed up and I was just seeing things totally wrong for TWO people to slam me with that.

 

It's infuriating when you realize that your own baggage has been used against you, isn't it? Our FOO issues can definitely "groom" us to second-guess our own intuition, unfortunately......I had a similar upbringing, so I can empathize. My knee-jerk reaction was to blame myself for being suspicious, when I experienced something similar to your story. It wasn't until the red flags kept piling up-and up-and up.............that I finally said,

 

"Wait a minute! Something stinks here, and it ain't me......":mad:

And I read my SO the Riot Act, regarding his "friendship" with another woman.

I'm telling you, most guys who are really close to another woman/an ex are one guy away from seeing the errors of their ways and straightening themselves out. It takes one guy to start looking at their girlfriend - and they either go ballistic and leave or they start analyzing their own behavior and realize that they need to change to keep her.

 

I can see that working in a lot of cases---depending on the individual psychology of the parties involved.

The "AHA!" moment for my SO didn't involve me getting hit on by someone else. I think the light bulb came on when he accused me of "just being jealous".

I responded by saying, "Would you prefer that I was indifferent?"

 

 

That made him think, and woke him up.........

 

 

I'm older now and I realize it's fine for me to have my boundaries and it's fine for me to enforce them in a relationship. If you want total freedom, go be single. If you want to be in a relationship, accept you will have to make some adjustments for me too.

 

very good insight there ^^^

 

 

responses in bold

[DunnoWhat]

Here is what a lot of people don't understand. EVERYONE has the potentilnal to cheat. EVERYONE!!! Wrong place...wrong time...wrong circumstances and it can happen to amyone. People look at it as a CONTROL issue instead of thinking about not putting their partner in a position to have to think about it. Did my girl tell me I couldn't text my close female friends or go hang out with them.....NO. I do that of my own free will out of RESPECT for her and our R. People unnecessarily put themselves in bad spots like this. No one is above failing. Lack of opportunity is the best defense.

 

Well said. Some people are in denial.

 

Prevention is better than cure.

[brodie]

http://www.laddertheory.com