why do so many couples ban opp sex friends?

[Leigh 87]

I apologize for my lack of spelling and grammar. I am about to fall asleep on the key board. Not that I am suggesting I am that fabulous to begin with, however; I am not a moron, either, and better spoken when I am not. Dead. Tired.

 

People here are sad enough to waste their energy picking people apart for their grammar, unforunately, so I felt the need to apologize for my shocking spelling.

 

I am going to bed to crash now. Personally, I am very easy going, and do not discount and liken them to a moron, simply because they are not articulate or fantastic at spelling or grammar. Every one is intelligent in their own way:)

 

Peace to every one.

[piggyoink]

I pretty much agree.

 

It really doesn't make any sense to me to order your GF around and tell her that she can be friends with this and that guy, but not with that guy. She's not a slave (well, except for some sex plays, that is) and has her brain, plus such control gets tiresome. If she decides to go over the line with other guys, joke's on her.

 

And yes, seems like "not hiding things and not banning you to join, if you feel like it" is a distinction.

 

I can't agree with this more. A spouse or partner is not a piece of property.

 

Some of the people around me are good looking. And some of the women around me have good looking male friends. They are young and old. Most of them are mature enough not to have a controlling personality.

 

I exchange a subtantional amount of personal and/or deep things with females.

 

Just a few days ago I walked a young visitor(cute, good looking, etc) to the train station, because it was dark. Her boyfriend was waiting at the station. He knows what was going on(jailbreaking her iPhone at my house). So what?

 

I have another friend who's female. Her husband runs a store. Her husband knows me. Her husband knows his wife knows me, and her husband knows she knows other males too. It has no meaning. They have several kids, a house, and everyone comes home on time at night. There is nothing funny, immoral, unethical, nor any desire going on, except among the two people that are married.

[nofool4u]

I can't agree with this more. A spouse or partner is not a piece of property.

 

Some of the people around me are good looking. And some of the women around me have good looking male friends. They are young and old. Most of them are mature enough not to have a controlling personality.

 

I exchange a subtantional amount of personal and/or deep things with females.

 

Just a few days ago I walked a young visitor(cute, good looking, etc) to the train station, because it was dark. Her boyfriend was waiting at the station. He knows what was going on(jailbreaking her iPhone at my house). So what?

 

I have another friend who's female. Her husband runs a store. Her husband knows me. Her husband knows his wife knows me, and her husband knows she knows other males too. It has no meaning. They have several kids, a house, and everyone comes home on time at night. There is nothing funny, immoral, unethical, nor any desire going on, except among the two people that are married.

 

of course not. because none of the things you wrote above have anything to do with shady behavior. like spending time alone with someone of the opposite sex and doing things that would raise an eyebrow.

 

friends are friends. its HOW you interact with friends of the opposite sex that negates the label of "friend".

[chucksagent]

People have to get over themselves....Everyone is so GD worried about being labeled a "piece of property!"

 

Forget all that crap for a second and ask yourself what's right?!?

 

When you are a parent - are your kids a piece of property? No. Then why not let them smoke? Why not let them go to sleepovers at a different friends house everynight? Why not trust them to pay your bills for you each month? Why not trust them to drink alcohol? After all, they aren't property. Why not let them hold all your money for you 24/7? Has to be reasons why right? Has nothing to do with whether they are considered tangible chattle, lol. My lord.

 

Listen...not to offend anyone...but a LOT of this sounds like middle child/daddy issues here...put on some white make up and black eye liner...SOOO many women are soooooooo worried about "being controlled" or "being told what to do." Don't women tell men when to cut the grass, take out the trash, go to bed, stop playing video games, eat healthier, etc. So why can't someone tell you they aren't comfortable with you being CLOSE/Intimate friends with a member of the opposite sex??? Women, I'm sorry, but what's good for the goose is good for the ganer (and this 100% applies to men too).

 

Don't try using all this bullcrap about "I'm not a piece of personal property!" Because at the end of the day, it comes down to are you mature enough to make respectful/responsible/loving choices for the "supposed" most important person in your life (significant othe) and do you want to give your relationship with that person THE BEST CHANCE (no outside intereference from attractive opposite sex friends) to succeed without worries of jealousy and insecurity.

 

People need to get over this whole jealousy and insecurity thing. EVERY PERSON gets jealous and insecure. So why the heck would you want to drown them in it with overkill when there is NO NEED to do so?!?!? You love this person, right? Respct them and their wants and needs, right? THINK!!!

[piggyoink]

People are not property and many of the things being discussed her sound like some countries in Asia. In North America, people have the right to choose their own friends. If you need to make funny rules like "no more than 3 text messages a week" or something alone those lines, it means you, but not everyone is jealous and insecure.

[OnyxSnowfall]

It's simply unwise.

 

However.

 

I may have some other issues going on, because I personally like the idea of being "possessed/belonging to" =x ... my boyfriend is together with the idea that "you are not my property"... but I WANT him to exert boundaries over me.

 

He rarely does

 

Regardless, *I* choose not to have opposite gender friendships... (as a female, you may second guess the idea when married / taken men try to have sex with you ... when single ones confess some crazy love for you [all the while you were oblivious] etc etc too... it's like I *can't* have them, the men always want more... for a couple good years I haven't interacted with other men; no need to anyway [beyond professional/impersonal relations]).

Edited September 21, 2011 by OnyxSnowfall

[vsmini]

people have to get over themselves....everyone is so gd worried about being labeled a "piece of property!"

 

forget all that crap for a second and ask yourself what's right?!?

 

When you are a parent - are your kids a piece of property? No. Then why not let them smoke? Why not let them go to sleepovers at a different friends house everynight? Why not trust them to pay your bills for you each month? Why not trust them to drink alcohol? After all, they aren't property. Why not let them hold all your money for you 24/7? Has to be reasons why right? Has nothing to do with whether they are considered tangible chattle, lol. My lord.

 

Listen...not to offend anyone...but a lot of this sounds like middle child/daddy issues here...put on some white make up and black eye liner...sooo many women are soooooooo worried about "being controlled" or "being told what to do." don't women tell men when to cut the grass, take out the trash, go to bed, stop playing video games, eat healthier, etc. So why can't someone tell you they aren't comfortable with you being close/intimate friends with a member of the opposite sex??? Women, i'm sorry, but what's good for the goose is good for the ganer (and this 100% applies to men too).

 

Don't try using all this bullcrap about "i'm not a piece of personal property!" because at the end of the day, it comes down to are you mature enough to make respectful/responsible/loving choices for the "supposed" most important person in your life (significant othe) and do you want to give your relationship with that person the best chance (no outside intereference from attractive opposite sex friends) to succeed without worries of jealousy and insecurity.

 

People need to get over this whole jealousy and insecurity thing. Every person gets jealous and insecure. So why the heck would you want to drown them in it with overkill when there is no need to do so?!?!? You love this person, right? Respct them and their wants and needs, right? Think!!!

 

well said!

[chucksagent]

Onyxsnowfall...I'd be willing to bet you and I are older than majority of these people...Lol...I appluad your insight and realistic outlook on life.

 

They act like I am a demon dubbing people "personal property" and trying to KEEP THEM from their soul-friends (mates) hahaha

 

As I said earlier kiddos - You are young and you live in America...so you will do the dumb/uneducated thing for a while or until you get burned enough, and then one day you will say, "Wow, Chucksagent and Onyxsnowfall were right!!!" Trust me, stuff happens ALL the time where I wish I listened to my mom, Dad, uncle, coach, teacher, etc. But hey, just like you guys, I KNEW BETTER!!!! LMAO.

 

And make no mistake, as Onyxsnowfall said, this IS a man issues. No doubt about it. Men will ALWAYS want more and ALWAYS want what they can't (haven't) had. BUT, as a woman who WIELDS that kind of power (with great power comes great responsibility) you should really honor the man you love and not be running around with a bunch of dudes who want to have sex with you. Thats just called class and honor - Onyxsnowfall appears to be one of the few who has any of that stuff.

[piggyoink]

Nobody said anything about running around with a bunch of friends that want to have sex with you.

[chucksagent]

It's simply unwise.....AND.....but I WANT him to exert boundaries over me. QUOTE]

 

Well said on both counts...To avoid my longwindedness...simplest way to say it - "It's unwise" or "It's not smart." Are really all it boils down to.

 

AND, people today act like boundries are a bad thing!?!? I agree with you Onyx!! I EXPECT my significant other to expect and set boundries on me!!!!!

 

One thing just about EVERY therapist and love "expert" does AGREE on is that boundries are natural, important, and essential to a healty relationship. Ever hear of a "deal breaker?" People need to be honest with themselves and their lovers EARLY AND OFTEN because there are certain things people just CAN"T live with and they have the right to know where you stand on these issues up front in the relationship before love and attachement sets in.

 

Like me, personally, I'd want to know if my beautiful/sexy girlfriend planned on still going clubbing in short skirts when we were together...or if she had some guy she texted all the time and spent a ton of time with. It's not because she is my property its because I enjoy a relaxed life not stressing and worry about things, but, after all, I am a human so my mind would NATURALLY Wander if my hot girlfriend was at a dance club half naked with a bunch of horn dogs AND if my girfriend was planning on having (for all intents and purposes) a backup boyfriend. Why even have a boyfriend if you'll be texting, calling, emailing, FBing, hanging out with SOME OTHER GUY?!?!?

[donnamaybe]

No one needs to tell me how to act. I have my own boundaries. If I were so weak as to need someone's thumb on me and choose my friends for me I'd be lousy GF material anyway.

[piggyoink]

No one needs to tell me how to act. I have my own boundaries. If I were so weak as to need someone's thumb on me and choose my friends for me I'd be lousy GF material anyway.

 

Solemnly stated as QFT

[nofool4u]

People are not property and many of the things being discussed her sound like some countries in Asia. In North America, people have the right to choose their own friends. If you need to make funny rules like "no more than 3 text messages a week" or something alone those lines, it means you, but not everyone is jealous and insecure.

 

your not listening. There are certain behaviors and interactions between the opposite sex that are inappropriate if in a committed relationship. plain and simple.

 

nobody is saying people can't have opposite sex friends. its what you do with those friends that crosses the "friend" barrier.

 

my guess is you like engaging in inappropriate behavior with the opposite sex and expect your so-called significant others to just put up with it.

[rafallus]

Who says that you have to put up with inappropriate behaviour? I do not and would not (and did not, in a longer term).

 

What is said, that it's important to make distinction between inappropriate and appropriate interaction not to appear paranoid/controlling. This is in fact setting boundaries.

[piggyoink]

I didnt know the gorean culture was so popular before !

[nofool4u]

I didnt know the gorean culture was so popular before !

 

you can't handle or deal with logic or straight talk, so you come up with this.

 

i don't think anyone here needs to take you the slightest bit serious

[piggyoink]

you can't handle or deal with logic or straight talk, so you come up with this.

 

i don't think anyone here needs to take you the slightest bit serious

 

Thank you for the compliment.

[BeyondtheClouds]

When I was concerned about my guy and a friend (someone whom he tried to date and it never worked out, not sure why....). I simply told him that he could remain friends with her, it would just mean that he and I would be friends as well. I didn't have to say much more so I think he understood that would mean:

 

1. No more sex.

2. No more unplanned get togethers

3. I was free to date other men as he had gone out with this woman in ways that looked like a date as well, even though, supposedly she had a bf as well.

 

I don't want my guy treating his friends as well (or worse) even better than he treats me. If that's the case, I'll apply for "friendship" as well.

[Wrenne]

9 times out of 10 the girl is just looking for that extra attention and validation. sure men bring some things to the table in terms of friendship - I'm not slamming men but when a girl only wants to be friends with men it says a lot.

 

you hit the nail on the head. if a girl cannot get along with other women, ALL OTHER WOMEN, that means that she does something to turn them off. in my experience it has been attention-seeking/constant need for male approval and a general disinterest in female approval.

[CupcakeCrisis]

There is a HUGE divide between treating someone like property and just enforcing your own boundaries. You cannot be in a relationship and act like you are a single person - you can't have it both ways. Either way you choose, you are sacrificing some of the benefits of the other option. If you want to act like you're single, be single. If you want to be paired up, accept that flirting with lady friends/ spending tons of time with a lady friend, talking about her constantly, etc., is not going to go over well with your girlfriend.

 

It's like if a person gets a job and gets angry that they can't show up to work late. There's just some common ground things you don't do at a job. Likewise, in GENERAL (there are always exceptions - some people like open relationships, while others would see that as 'cheating'), most women aren't going to be cool with their boyfriend doing some of the things I described above. I don't believe they are wrong for that.

 

We both have male and female friends. One of our male friends is 20 years our senior. Two of our friends, and my closest childhood friend, are gay. But we discussed these relationships ahead of time.

 

I wouldn't be comfortable with my partner being close to a girl he finds physically attractive or whom he once had a crush on (or whom he once dated). That's just not being stupid and ensuring that we keep our relationship focused on us. We are all only human. If I'm around someone I find physically attractive and we're close, I'm probably going to be tempted. Could we handle the temptation? I'm sure - but it's just easier to remove yourself from it. I have no problem if he has female friends. But he should be seeing me way more than he sees her. He shouldn't be talking about her all of the time.

 

Put simply - trust your gut instinct. You KNOW when there is something wrong with a boyfriend's friendship with another woman. So, you need to take precautions to keep that from happening.

 

This is different than coming into the situation, ACCEPTING It, then getting all upset and angry about it. I would not start dating a man whose friendships seemed questionable to me and I would establish my boundaries. If it turned out we had disagreements about how to handle opposite sex friends...I would leave. It's not worth finding yourself constantly racked with nervousness about what he's up to.

 

Like i said, there is a difference between 'trusting' someone and being 'stupid' about it. You keep your eyes and ears open. That's not to say you flip out if he goes out with friends and a lady friend will be in the group. You don't flip out if he wants to introduce you to his lady friend. You don't get angry if you knew from the start that they were close childhood friends. But if he's being secretive about her, if he's gushing about her often, etc., you have a right and a reason to start being concerned.

[piggyoink]

Its wrong to treat people are property and go ballistic over spending X time with Y.

[dasein]

Didn't read the whole thread but agree with cupcakecrisis, great post.

[DrImho]

cupcakecrisis spoke well and true.

 

There are boundaries in a relationship, whether its dating, cohabitation or marriage. Opposite-sex friends for a heterosexual in a committed relationship could be bad news for that relationship.

 

If the individuals concerned were friends before the couple was formed, and the new partner is involved in some way in their friendship, then this is acceptable. However, like many have said, if there is inappropriate behaviour then sayanora.

 

One scenario that I find totally unacceptable is the one where new opposite-sex friends enter AFTER the relationship is established, especially when the partner isn't included in the friendship. This is a complete disregard for the relationship and pretty much tells everyone where this person stands in regards to their relationship.

 

I realize that at work friendships are bound to blossom, unfortunately, in over 85% of cases, this is also where affairs blossom. Coincidence or correlation?

 

Exclusive friendships with members of the opposite-sex after a relationship is established should be a big no-no. It's not about insecurity; it's about respect for your partner and relationship.

[ditzchic]

The only time I've been uncomfortable when someone I was dating had a ton of female friends was when he was of sketchy character. He would flirt with his "friends", spend way too much one on one time with them, talk really graphically about sexual subjects with them (including our sex life). He was also the type who was obsessed with porn, masturbation and strip clubs (I most guys are into this stuff but he was the type that would talk about it ALLLLLLLL the time even after he knew that it made me a little uncomfortable). I never banned him from seeing his friends. In fact I never said a word about it to him but it did play a part in our breakup. I just couldn't get fully comfortable with him and his lifestyle and without that comfort I couldn't learn to trust him. It was too much. I wrote it off as incompatibility and moved on. I'll find someone who I can trust wholeheartedly.

[Jam3s]

As far as I am concerned, if my GF is going to cheat on me, it doesn't matter who she hangs around that I know about, she will find a way anyway. All I can do is trust her that she would not ruin our relationship by cheating, and I have laid down the law that if she does I am out the door no questions asked.

 

For me to prevent her from creating or keeping friends for the sake of my own insecurity and trust issues means that imo it's not going to be a healthy relationship anyway, not to mention she would be pretty unhappy and feel controlled, something which is also unhealthy in a relationship. Of course I expect the exact same treatment from her.

 

This is all within reason of course. If she hangs around a guy who makes moves at her and blatantly wants to get in her pants then I will put my foot down, because as has been said here, people are human afterall and they make mistakes and do things they would regret but at the time, in the moment make the wrong decision, so I still need to be mindful of that and ensure those situations do not arise.

Edited November 27, 2011 by Jam3s