why do so many couples ban opp sex friends?

[flyaway]

I wouldn't stay with anyone that whined about me having opposite sex friends.

 

i agree with you. i am totally open with all of my friends, same sex or not, so if i dated someone who whined about me having opp sex friends despite my openness (and i dont hang with people who hit on me or like me in that way) then they are too insecure for a healthy relationship and that is totally unattractive to me.

 

if you are so insecure that you have to ban your partner from associating with HALF of the human population, then you have issues and need to work on them before attempting to have a relationship.

[piggyoink]

i agree with you. i am totally open with all of my friends, same sex or not, so if i dated someone who whined about me having opp sex friends despite my openness (and i dont hang with people who hit on me or like me in that way) then they are too insecure for a healthy relationship and that is totally unattractive to me.

 

if you are so insecure that you have to ban your partner from associating with HALF of the human population, then you have issues and need to work on them before attempting to have a relationship.

 

Yeah. Making silly rules indicates a lack of trust. If you don't have trust, you have nothing.

[Try]

Yeah. Making silly rules indicates a lack of trust. If you don't have trust, you have nothing.

The use of the word "trust" when discussing these issues, is very misleading. Although your SO may be trustworthy, they cannot control how they feel about someone. While they can take precautions to prevent a PA, preventing an EA is not so easy even amongst the most trustworthy. As strong as your relationship may be, there will always be ups and downs. During the downs, is when emotional affairs blossom.

[carhill]

I know of no such couples amongst my social circle. Perhaps it's a function of age.

[flyaway]

The use of the word "trust" when discussing these issues, is very misleading. Although your SO may be trustworthy, they cannot control how they feel about someone. While they can take precautions to prevent a PA, preventing an EA is not so easy even amongst the most trustworthy. As strong as your relationship may be, there will always be ups and downs. During the downs, is when emotional affairs blossom.

 

see, here is my problem with that...

 

you take steps to "prevent" an affair because you feel that when times are rough, thats when affairs happen. aren't you mistrusting your SO then? you feel that they cant keep it in their pants when youre going through a rough patch so you have to take steps because you cant trust them to stay faithful to you? are you kidding? i would feel bad in that position, that i can't have male friends because my SO is so scared that id run off with one of them if the going got rough. geez, that is so insecure and untrustworthy of him.

 

im glad my boyfriend and i respect and trust each other a little more than that. both partners need to be on the same page in terms of what they feel is appropriate and if feelings arise, then you need to talk about them with your partner.

 

when i was with a previous boyfriend, i began to develop feelings for another guy who was a new friend during a rough patch where my boyfriend wasn't treating me too well. however, i went right to my boyfriend and we talked things out and i didn't talk to the new guy anymore and the issue was gone.

[Try]

you take steps to "prevent" an affair because you feel that when times are rough, thats when affairs happen. aren't you mistrusting your SO then? you feel that they cant keep it in their pants when youre going through a rough patch so you have to take steps because you cant trust them to stay faithful to you?

In your response to my post you seem to not know the difference between a PA (physical affair) and a EA (emotional affair). In an EA there is no issue of anyone not keeping it in their pants, so what you just said does not really address what I stated.

 

when i was with a previous boyfriend, i began to develop feelings for another guy who was a new friend during a rough patch where my boyfriend wasn't treating me too well. however, i went right to my boyfriend and we talked things out and i didn't talk to the new guy anymore and the issue was gone.

Since you are talking about what you did with your “previous boyfriend”, whatever you were doing as a couple did not in fact work out in the long run.

[BeyondtheClouds]

I'm not too keen on opposite sex friendships either. I am friendly with a couple men but I don't have male buddies whom I constantly text or IM.

 

An emotional affair can be a serious problem orbiting an otherwise committed, exclusive relationship. No one wants to see their SO, whom they have made a priority in their life, making someone else a priority whether that's in regard to allocating time, money, affection and other resources.

 

In fact the female friend, because she's still dating around may somehow appear more attractive and desireable. After all, the faithful wife/girlfriend/ partner isn't hanging out her goods so that they can be repeatedly repriced.

 

For me, a guy who has female buddies who make it clear they know him better than you do and so on would be a dealbreaker for me.

[flyaway]

In your response to my post you seem to not know the difference between a PA (physical affair) and a EA (emotional affair). In an EA there is no issue of anyone not keeping it in their pants, so what you just said does not really address what I stated.

 

Since you are talking about what you did with your “previous boyfriend”, whatever you were doing as a couple did not in fact work out in the long run.

 

i know what a EA is. and yeah, i would find it offensive as a partner if my SO didn't trust me to remain emotionally loyal to him. i would feel that he wouldn't trust me.

 

for your information, we did NOT break up over opp sex friends. we remained together for several months after that incident. i left him because he couldn't get his crap together in his life, ie he lost his job and was content to lay around the house and NOT look for another one because he was supported by family. i found that unattractive and not conducive to someone that i wanted to build a future with.

and after i left him, i spent several months single without any attractions before i started dating again. so there.

 

i still maintain that if you restrict your SO and they feel restricted, then bad things can happen. i see it all the time with these emotionally damaged people who feel like they have to control who their SO friends are.

 

opp sex friendships don't = EA. EAs suck but you can nip them in the bud early if the partners talk, like what i did. someone who is loyal will not let one continue and understand the boundaries that its inanppropriate to put friends before their SO. that is a rule of mine, opp sex or same sex.

[donnamaybe]

i still maintain that if you restrict your SO and they feel restricted, then bad things can happen. i see it all the time with these emotionally damaged people who feel like they have to control who their SO friends are.

Very well said.

 

I have a couple guy friends, one of which I go out with occasionally. We both like to sing karaoke, and my man doesn't quite as much. He is always invited, however, but he wouldn't dream of telling me I couldn't go somewhere just because he didn't feel like it. Now if I had a guy friend and we were doing things together and my sweety was NOT invited, that would be wrong.

[flyaway]

same. My bf will always let me come but i don't always want to go. i invite him too.

[serial muse]

Exactly this:

 

There's nothing wrong with opposite sex friends as long as you respect the boundaries of the relationship, ie. no staying overnight alone, going on "dates" alone, etc.

 

I will say, though, that I'm less keen on the idea of being good friends with exes. I'm not saying it's impossible for it to be otherwise, but in my experience whenever someone remains close friends (not just FB friends or friendly) with an ex, it's because there's a reluctance to fully close a door. I think some people just enjoy feeling tantalized by possibility, even at the expense of their current relationship.

 

For example. When we first started dating, years ago now, my guy's exGF (with whom he'd broken up a year earlier) told him that she wanted to remain friends with him, because she still wanted emotional closeness. He even admitted to me that she still carried a torch for him, but he also told me I didn't need to worry because he wasn't interested and was largely hanging out with her out of guilt.

 

Well, I thought (and told him) that that's taking guilt wayyy too far. She wanted to have dinner "dates" with him once a month. Part of the problem was that she didn't want to meet me, she just wanted to see him - a HUGE red flag that it's not a true "friendship" and that she wouldn't be a friend to our relationship, either. So, I gave an ultimatum there; I suspected strongly that it was a combination of guilt and ego that was driving his reluctance to end that situation, but I knew I'd never be comfortable with it. Happily for me, he "got it" - he understood where I was coming from and told her it wasn't going to work.

 

But that's pretty rare. IME, you can nearly always tell when a friendship is awry (or when someone's giving you the competitive look-over - ugh, so tiresome).

 

Overall, though, I don't think it has to be a problem. I have male friends, my guy has female friends, but we see them all the time and we all know and like each other. In fact, I have now become better friends with a couple of his female friends than he ever was, because they're totally cool.

Edited August 17, 2011 by serial muse

[carhill]

AFAIK, none of my male or female married friends are 'close' friends with an exH or exW or past ex of any sort. Most have had nothing to do with them for years/decades or, at most, similar to my exW and I, have the most distant of cordial relations; as an example, my exW is still friends with my friends and we interact rarely in person but occasionally communicate, or they are 'friendly' because they have grown children and grandchildren together. That's pretty consistent across my social circle.

[Memphis Raines]

i have no problem with a sig other of mine having male friends.

 

what I do have a problem is a sig other of mine spending time alone with them.

[Kelemort]

I would not want my s/o behind closed doors with another heterosexual woman, paired up or otherwise. I may trust him, but this stranger? Very likely not. But I'd have no problem if they went out OCCASIONALLY alone. The only man I go out with alone is my obviously gay childhood friend, who now has a boyfriend, so there's never been any doubt about my feelings there.

 

Exes are totally off unless there are kids involved, but my feeling is that needs to be discussed before you get together officially or at least become exclusive. I was lied to and told before we started dating that my s/o had broken off all contact with his ex and "hadn't spoken to her in years." She lived out of state, so thankfully that meant they couldn't see each other. But after a year of exclusivity, I find out they're still buddies on Facebook and he still has her phone number about 3 - 4 years after their break-up. Needless to say I was *very* unhappy about the betrayal after I'd made it clear it was a deal-breaker.

 

If people want to be friends with exes and they're both ok with that, that's fine. But if one partner lies to the other and it comes out, that's not fair and the offended partner has every right to say, "Remember my boundary? No cigar, dude." I don't have empathy for partners who pretend to be fine with a partner's contact with an ex, then, after a certain amount of time, want to restrict or control that access. They knew the ex was still in the picture (only difference is if contact goes from being friendly to MORE than friends, in which case there's always room for disappointment).

 

I don't think there's anything wrong with either camp - the camp that's fine with exes and the camp that's not. But I got awfully tired awful fast of my boyfriend's ex's sudden interest in our lives when he listed himself as "in a relationship" on Facebook. Suddenly she came out from underground and wanted to leave him lots of messages!

[piggyoink]

Do most of you share email passwords ?

[carhill]

Do most of you share email passwords ?

My exW and I had complete transparency from prior to being married, which occurred when such things were still developing, like e-mail, cell phones, etc. I never saw a reason not to be transparent, including in-person contact. I can't say for certain that she was completely transparent, since no one can ever be certain about another person's thoughts or actions, but I am certain I was. I recall also sharing information, while we were dating, about someone who would later become an EA partner, though that person was never an 'opposite sex friend' during the M until the point of the EA. After, transparency continued, they met, interacted independently and the situation resolved.

 

I'll do things exactly the same in the future, save for getting divorced instead of having an EA. That was wrong. Everything else was healthy, IMO. I don't see any issues with opposite sex friends. Women who are healthy can be a great asset in one's life and I'm thankful for those in mine.

[donnamaybe]

In my R we have known each other's passwords when needed, such as when I'm doing something with my sweety's new laptop that he doesn't know how to do, and I need to log into something. He never hesitates to give me his password. Also, he's been sitting at the computer and, for one reason or another, needed my password for one account or another. I've given it to him without hesitation. However, we don't write them down and keep them. I don't feel a need to keep tabs like that, and neither does he. But if he wanted to he could have without my knowledge and looked into my mail any time. I have nothing to hide.

[piggyoink]

I'm not Korean. But I've heard that its a habit over there, among some people, to share everything but clothes while dating. This would sometimes even include banking passwords.

[donnamaybe]

I'm not Korean. But I've heard that its a habit over there, among some people, to share everything but clothes while dating. This would sometimes even include banking passwords.

I know my sweety's pin number to his debit card.

[KR10N]

People who ban opposite sex friends have a tendencies to be jealous of everything. It's a silly rule, as you can't tell someone to cut off their social life outside of a relationship. The largest portion of my friends are male & I have no interest in them beyond a friendship. If my SO were to tell me I can no longer be friends w/ them, I'd respond w/ "we can no longer be in a relationship." I'd then smile & leave.

[linwood]

Hmm...considering I have no social life beyond my family I guess it does`t really matter to me.

 

However if my wife was to start hanging out, talking, texting with one particular guy I might have a problem with it.

 

She knows guys in general are only really interested in one thing though so she does`t have any male friends.

[Kelemort]

People who ban opposite sex friends have a tendencies to be jealous of everything. It's a silly rule, as you can't tell someone to cut off their social life outside of a relationship. The largest portion of my friends are male & I have no interest in them beyond a friendship. If my SO were to tell me I can no longer be friends w/ them, I'd respond w/ "we can no longer be in a relationship." I'd then smile & leave.

 

And you'd be well within your rights. I don't think either side is particularly wrong. It's wrong to see a girl has male friends, date her, THEN tell her it's off. As soon as he finds out beforehand how the dynamics are, he's free to say "No thanks" and vice versa. To come in and try to change the situation is different. If it's something he didn't know about and all of a sudden he's uncomfortable, I can't blame him for trying his luck before promptly heading out the door.

 

Keep in mind that not all women who say they're 'just friends' with male friends are. I don't blame someone for coming into a new relationship and not trusting it or being suspicious about it - heck, I don't blame guys for not bothering to stick around to find out if a person's trustworthy or not. I don't blame guys for being uncomfortable with it, or vice versa.

 

The boundaries established when becoming exclusive matter - if they both agreed not to have friends of the opposite sex, then I can't blame a partner for being mad if the other partner violates that and goes out and befriends the opposite sex.

[Kelemort]

Do most of you share email passwords ?

 

Been with my boyfriend for a few years and besides logging into his Windows account on our computer (which he only uses for gaming), I don't know any of his passwords, his pin numbers for any of his cards, etc. He'll tell me his Social Security number but I never remember it. But he won't share passwords/etc. He's a computer guy and says it violates how he was taught to handle computers (eye roll).

 

But I can't entirely fault the guy. We aren't married, for one. When it comes to banking stuff after we're married, at which point we'll mix all of our money, then yes, there's a lot more about his financial record that I better know. But otherwise, no.

[BeyondtheClouds]

It's not that I have a problem with my SO having female friends. I just want to see an arms length relationship between the two of them.

 

One red flag to note is when the female "friend" tries to remind you of how well she knows your SO, long before you've known him. Or her need to avoid acknowledging me (her friend's partner) or doing anything she can to bypass contact with me. For example, if you're aware that they call him at work / on his cellphone and particularly during day hours.

 

IF his friends can't respect certain boundaries and he doesn't appear to be concerned about that, that's a bad sign.

[Try]

Reading many of the EA (emotional affair) threads on this board, they all seem to have a common pattern. First the poster will tell you that they do not have an issue with their SO having opposite sex friends. Then they will tell you that they are uncomfortable with a specific opposite sex friend. Then when they inform the SO about being uncomfortable, the SO will say that “We're just friends”. Finally the poster will ask the forum readers if they are wrong for being uncomfortable. The thread will then go on as people debate exactly when the opposite sex friendship crossed the line into becoming an EA. With the SO often withholding information, and having a more robust definition as to what is acceptable, this is not always easy to determine quickly.

 

Looking at this pattern, it becomes obvious that since most of the EA threads are started by people that do not have an issue with their SO having opposite sex friends, couples that do not allow opposite sex friends are not posting because they are far less likely to have to deal with the issue of an EA (emotional affair). You can talk about trust all you want, but a SO in a target rich environment is more likely to hit something even if they did not intend to.

 

You asked the question as to “why do so many couples ban opp sex friends?” and that is the answer. You do not have to agree with it, to accept the fact that some people do not think that the risk reward of having opposite sex friends is worth it. If you think that the risk is small and that the reward is worth it go for it, but not everyone thinks that way. There is no right or wrong here. Pick a SO that thinks like you about this and be happy.