I feel like crap

[somedude81]

BTW, the key word was again.

 

I've already done one year's worth of therapy at the school psychological health center. I then used up my allocated time for that year and had to go to an off-campus location that I had to pay for, granted it was still discounted. And I did that for about six months.

 

That is why when people tell me to go to therapy I get frustrated. Because I've already done it for so long.

 

As for actually telling the therapist what I feel, you're right that hinting I have a long term idea of doing something should be OK. They're not going to lock me up for six months. Nor do I see them sending cops after me at that time because I was considering suicide.

[betterdeal]

What could be holding me back?

 

Here's a couple of things that affected me:

 

Physical: I had phimosis and that made erections painful and my glans hyper-sensitive. Result: fear of poor sexual performance, premature ejaculation, erectile dysfunction.

 

Emotional: becoming too emotionally attached too soon. Result: I had started to see potential mates in the same terms as my mother and sisters, any sexiness felt incestuous.

 

It's not like I don't ask out girls. The only thing I can see myself doing is asking out every girl I have a conversation with and that's just weird.

 

Yes, but you're all talk, aren't you? You don't sell the sausage, you sell the sizzle. The point of sex and kissing and romance is it is messy and it is uncontrolled and it is letting go and it is fun, and it is not words and rules and talking. You meet someone, you talk, you laugh, you compliment, you laugh, you talk, you feel gushy inside, you lean in and go for a kiss, or you ask them "fancy a f*ck?" and you show how interested you are in them.

 

Though one thing I am afraid of doing is making moves. I have never made a first move. Heck the only girl I ever kissed, basically told me to kiss her. But if I had a good feeling that a girl liked me, I'm sure I can make the first move. But it's been a long time since I felt that somebody was interested in me. About 4-5 years ago now that I think about it.

 

Right. So you don't fancy anyone and you wonder why you're not getting any? How often do you wank for fun? Not to get to sleep, to beat off some anger, but just for fun?

 

Why not just go out and try and get a snog instead of going for the whole happy ever after thing from the start? Practice, practice, practice. Put on a clean shirt, have a shave, go out late to a bar / club / pub and walk up to someone who looks up for a bit of fun, wink at her, talk, look at just how sexy she is right now (she won't be tomorrow, but whatever) and tell her you'd like to ravage her body.

 

Who knows? She might slap you and write pages and pages about how terrible it is in her journal. She might laugh and say "alright" and then you try kissing her and you'll be rubbish at it, but, you know what? It's just a kiss. And she might tell you to go jump for being such a crap kisser, or she might laugh and feel good that you fancied her and, even though your a virgin, you plucked up the courage to make a move.

 

I mean, what have you go to lose, ffs?

[Teknoe]

SomeDude,

How many real life male friends do you have? Every time I read your posts I get this sense that if you had some healthy real life male friends, that you could be honest with and share all these issues, you'd be better off. I think sharing online to strangers CAN help, but man... trust me when I say, nothing helps quite like sharing all these troubles and issues with a healthy trustworthy friend in real life.

 

Going to therapy again is a great idea. Don't worry, they wouldn't lock you up for anything you say. Again, there you go with the whole "I might do it but... [i'm scared of whatever]." Fear is a trick that stops us from living the lives we should, especially we as men.

 

We all got issues, of one kind or another, and many of them are the ones in-between our ears. It's in our head.

 

I highly recommend reading this book called "Battlefield of the Mind" by Joyce Meyer. It really tackles the issues in our head and in our heart. It has helped me out tremendously. Please make time to either buy it online, buy it from a local book shop or go to the local library and see if they have a copy.

 

http://www.amazon.com/Battlefield-Mind-Winning-Battle-Your/dp/0446691097

 

Again, you really need to read it. No more "Well maybe BUT..." excuses. Just find a copy. Don't care if you borrow or buy it. Just get a copy and READ IT. Could help ya out a lot.

 

I recommend the book to everybody, in fact.

[somedude81]

Here's a couple of things that affected me:

 

Physical: I had phimosis and that made erections painful and my glans hyper-sensitive. Result: fear of poor sexual performance, premature ejaculation, erectile dysfunction.

Thankfully I don't have any issues with my penis. I've stuck it in whomever let me. Though the actual circumstances were lame and not something I'd tell anybody in real life unless they were part of a certain scene.

 

Emotional: becoming too emotionally attached too soon. Result: I had started to see potential mates in the same terms as my mother and sisters, any sexiness felt incestuous.

And that's where you got the surrogate mother-figure from. It just seemed so random when you brought it up.

 

I do get emotionally attached fairly quickly, but I've never seen a girl I liked as a sister or mother. I've wanted to sleep with every girl I liked since I was 16.

 

Though I have had a couple of girls tell me that they saw me as a brother, and that was the last thing I wanted to hear from them.

 

 

Yes, but you're all talk, aren't you? You don't sell the sausage, you sell the sizzle. The point of sex and kissing and romance is it is messy and it is uncontrolled and it is letting go and it is fun, and it is not words and rules and talking.

*Shrug

 

My sexual experiences have been odd at best. I don't know a thing about kissing and romance.

 

My experiences with women has only been words, rules and talking. Even on the very rare occasions when I got to have sex there were plenty of rules.

 

 

You meet someone, you talk, you laugh, you compliment, you laugh, you talk, you feel gushy inside, you lean in and go for a kiss, or you ask them "fancy a f*ck?" and you show how interested you are in them.

Leaning in for the kiss is where things get very difficult.

 

Right. So you don't fancy anyone and you wonder why you're not getting any?

No, it's not about me liking somebody. It's about them liking me enough that I feel that they aren't going to hate me if I try to become intimate. That should be obvious in how I respond to people telling me to just kiss the girl I'm infatuated with.

 

I'm scared of her getting mad at me.

Why not just go out and try and get a snog instead of going for the whole happy ever after thing from the start? Practice, practice, practice. Put on a clean shirt, have a shave, go out late to a bar / club / pub and walk up to someone who looks up for a bit of fun, wink at her, talk, look at just how sexy she is right now (she won't be tomorrow, but whatever) and tell her you'd like to ravage her body.

I've tried going to bars and clubs with the intention of picking up women. I always went home disappointed. The main problem is that I don't know what to say to random girls. It's just too much work for what, sex with a stranger? That's assuming I can even pull.

 

As I am right now, I prefer to get to know somebody a little before I get intimate with them.

 

Now am I going to get a few people saying I don't take advice because I don't want to go to a bar and try to get a one night stand?

 

SomeDude,

How many real life male friends do you have? Every time I read your posts I get this sense that if you had some healthy real life male friends, that you could be honest with and share all these issues, you'd be better off. I think sharing online to strangers CAN help, but man... trust me when I say, nothing helps quite like sharing all these troubles and issues with a healthy trustworthy friend in real life.

How many male friends do I have? Zero.

 

Yes I know how important is to have them. Since I've started this college I've tried several times to make them and it just hasn't happened.

Going to therapy again is a great idea. Don't worry, they wouldn't lock you up for anything you say. Again, there you go with the whole "I might do it but... [i'm scared of whatever]." Fear is a trick that stops us from living the lives we should, especially we as men.

Honestly, I doubt that therapy can help me at all. I first started going in 2006. Back then my issues were a little different because I hated where I lived. But once I moves away to go to college that problem went away. But the not having a girl thing still kills me and I don't feel much better.

We all got issues, of one kind or another, and many of them are the ones in-between our ears. It's in our head.

 

I highly recommend reading this book called "Battlefield of the Mind" by Joyce Meyer. It really tackles the issues in our head and in our heart. It has helped me out tremendously. Please make time to either buy it online, buy it from a local book shop or go to the local library and see if they have a copy.

 

http://www.amazon.com/Battlefield-Mind-Winning-Battle-Your/dp/0446691097

 

Again, you really need to read it. No more "Well maybe BUT..." excuses. Just find a copy. Don't care if you borrow or buy it. Just get a copy and READ IT. Could help ya out a lot.

 

I recommend the book to everybody, in fact.

Thanks for the recommendation but I've read enough self-help and similar books already. I also don't want to read anything religious.

[Dorie]

If you approach therapy with more optimism, your results will be better. Are you open to being treated with antidepressants since I believe you said you have a clinical form of depression. Perhaps I'm mistaken.

[somedude81]

If you approach therapy with more optimism, your results will be better. Are you open to being treated with antidepressants since I believe you said you have a clinical form of depression. Perhaps I'm mistaken.

I have dysthymia.

 

http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmedhealth/PMH0001916/

 

Medications often do not work as well for dysthymia as they do for major depression. It also may take longer after starting medication for you to feel better.

 

A few years ago I was on something for several months and it didn't have any affect.

 

I've done talk therapy and CBT.

 

My issue is that it doesn't make much sense to me to talk about the issue and how it affects my thoughts. I want to fix the issue.

 

Too bad the psychologist can't prescribe me a girlfriend.

 

When I started therapy in my new city I was optimistic. It's just hard to feel that way again. Same thing about starting a new semester. I used to get excited. But recent experiences have taught me that there is no point.

 

In fact just the opposite. Don't get excited and you won't be disappointed.

[betterdeal]

Too bad the psychologist can't prescribe me a girlfriend.

 

Why don't you just buy one off the internet?

Edited August 13, 2011 by betterdeal

[betterdeal]

In fact just the opposite. Don't get excited and you won't be disappointed.

 

You don't think this is in any way perhaps a cause of you feeling crap or are the two completely unrelated?

[somedude81]

Why don't you just buy one off the internet?

Very expensive.

 

It also depends on if your talking about hookers or mail order brides. Both have serious drawbacks.

You don't think this is in any way perhaps a cause of you feeling crap or are the two completely unrelated?

It's not the cause but the result.

 

A self-preservation method. I've had my hopes dashed so many times and it's always really painful. So I learned to not get excited.

 

Now my current belief is, if something can go wrong, it will.

[ptp]

Very expensive.

 

It also depends on if your talking about hookers or mail order brides. Both have serious drawbacks.

 

It's not the cause but the result.

 

A self-preservation method. I've had my hopes dashed so many times and it's always really painful. So I learned to not get excited.

 

Now my current belief is, if something can go wrong, it will.

 

I am kind of against paying for sex if one wants an emotional connection (which it seems like you do).

 

Don't go this route, stay positive.

 

Listen to what people tell you on LS, and keep trying it will happen.

[betterdeal]

Very expensive.

 

It also depends on if your talking about hookers or mail order brides. Both have serious drawbacks.

 

What are the drawbacks?

 

It's not the cause but the result.

 

A self-preservation method. I've had my hopes dashed so many times and it's always really painful. So I learned to not get excited.

 

Now my current belief is, if something can go wrong, it will.

 

And that works for you? You're feeling good now? Have you eaten today, or has that gone wrong?

[somedude81]

If you're just messing with me, get out of my thread.

[Teknoe]

I'm scared of her getting mad at me.

 

 

Notice this pattern? You're scared of X. Like I said, fear is a trick that stops us from living the lives we should, especially as men.

 

 

 

How many male friends do I have? Zero.

 

I don't get it. You're so obsessed with having a girlfriend, but you don't have any male friends? Dude, you got to crawl before you can walk. And you gotta walk before you can run. You're trying to sprint a mile in 4 minutes with all your girl chasing. Learn to start with the basics first.

 

DEVELOP SOME HEALTHY MALE FRIENDSHIPS!

 

You shouldn't even obsess over having or not having a girlfriend until you at least take care of this.

 

Why is it so important?

 

No man is an island.

 

It is not good for man to be alone.

 

Start with healthy male friends first, especially ones you can be real and honest to, and they've got your back.

 

You say it's hard? I say you ain't trying hard enough. Again, I know you won't like this, but I'll say it again. Getting involved at your local church will help a lot. You'll find some guys who will support and lift you up. It's important to have that sense of community. Why, because no man is an island. And honestly, MANY girls would never seriously date a man who has no friends. That is just a red flag.

 

If you against visiting your local church, volunteer at a homeless shelter. Do something productive. JUST DO SOMETHING! And leave the nasty "woe is me" attitude at home while you're at it.

 

 

Yes I know how important is to have them. Since I've started this college I've tried several times to make them and it just hasn't happened.

 

Hit up your local church or volunteering center. If you really reach out, you'll find MEN who will reach back. Again, how open can you be? If you're quick to say NO NO NO, then well, why even post? We give you healthy suggestions and you already have your mind made up.

 

 

Honestly, I doubt that therapy can help me at all. I first started going in 2006. Back then my issues were a little different because I hated where I lived. But once I moves away to go to college that problem went away. But the not having a girl thing still kills me and I don't feel much better

 

Again, you have that doubt attitude. You gotta renew the way you think. If you think it won't help IT WON'T. If you're at least open, JUST MAYBE IT WILL.

 

At least have a positive attitude and TRY.

 

Not having a girl thing still kills you -- yes we know. But you NEED TO UNDERSTAND you're not healthy enough right now to be a boyfriend. Not saying that to be harsh, coz I know what it feels like trust me, but you need to HEAL UP and take care of some of your issues before you're ready to enter a dating relationship. This is just TRUTH.

 

Start with focusing on male friends.

 

1 step at a time.

 

Again, you're trying to sprint a mile in 4 minutes when you need to start at the VERY beginning. Build your foundation, man!

 

So when the right girl comes along, you'll be prepared.

 

Right now, no one's coming. And until you work on your issues, no one (healthy) will come. This is hard to accept, but true. PLEASE WORK ON YOURSELF FIRST

 

 

Thanks for the recommendation but I've read enough self-help and similar books already. I also don't want to read anything religious.

 

Again, that attitude of "Sorry, not for me."

 

At this point, instead of asking WHY? you should be asking WHY NOT?

 

You write about wanting to change/make improvements, but you're quick on shooting down ideas.

 

Does the book have some Scripture in it?

 

YEAH, it does.

 

But so?

 

Why not read it with an open mind, and see how it speaks to you?

 

What can it hurt, seriously?

 

Instead of complaining, just try it.

 

In the end, no one can help you but YOU. It's obvious though what you need to work on, but you keep refusing to work on it yet you hope to improve.

 

No pain, no gain.

 

Nothing ventured, nothing gained.

 

I've said my peace, and this is it. I feel like I'm telling you this for the 20th time. I haven't seen you attempt to take my suggestions into practice. So this is my last time telling you.

 

All the best.

[somedude81]

Teknoe, I appreciate you posing here and trying to help me. I now your getting frustrated with this thread. I'm frustrated too. Nobody really addresses the things that I think are the most important and tell me what they think is best. That's just human nature.

 

When I was in High School and my first couple years of Jr. College, I had a group of guy friends. You know what? I was depressed then because I was single. Getting friends will not fix that.

 

I've crossed of many things on the "Why I think I'm depressed" list. The one that remains is, "I'm single."

 

Yes fear is a big part of why I don't do things with girls. I've only ever been hurt by women and I'm not looking for more pain. But without pain there is no gain.

 

When me and the girl hang out again, I really want to try something. If I'm lucky we'll hang out this week. If not we might actually have a confrontation because I'm getting frustrated at her making it so hard to spend time with her.

 

It's really funny; one part of me wants to love her and sleep with her. The other part wants to yell and scream at her and make her cry.

 

Having this much anger, sadness and frustration in me can't be healthy.

[Dust]

Teknoe, I appreciate you posing here and trying to help me. I now your getting frustrated with this thread. I'm frustrated too. Nobody really addresses the things that I think are the most important and tell me what they think is best. That's just human nature.

 

When I was in High School and my first couple years of Jr. College, I had a group of guy friends. You know what? I was depressed then because I was single. Getting friends will not fix that.

 

I've crossed of many things on the "Why I think I'm depressed" list. The one that remains is, "I'm single."

 

Yes fear is a big part of why I don't do things with girls. I've only ever been hurt by women and I'm not looking for more pain. But without pain there is no gain.

 

When me and the girl hang out again, I really want to try something. If I'm lucky we'll hang out this week. If not we might actually have a confrontation because I'm getting frustrated at her making it so hard to spend time with her.

 

It's really funny; one part of me wants to love her and sleep with her. The other part wants to yell and scream at her and make her cry.

 

Having this much anger, sadness and frustration in me can't be healthy.

 

You don’t to understand. Just make a move for once in your life. Kiss her, touch her, enjoy her. If she rejects you then you leave and don’t look back. Go for it. You never take my advice and that is very frustrating. It really frustrating that you are a regular poster. At least with the random guys who post their problems, you give them advice and never hear from them again. With you we give you advice and you don’t change your attitude and we hear it again and again.

 

I’ve been having trouble getting a good job for a while now. In a way getting a good job is like getting a good girl. So in a way we’re in the same boat. The difference is I’m trying to be optimistic. I’m trying to do something about it, and I’m not trying to stress myself out more or get upset.

[somedude81]

Next time with her I'm going to try and push the boundaries.

In a way getting a good job is like getting a good girl. So in a way we’re in the same boat.

Think about it this way.

 

You're at a company you love and you're really happy with the what you're doing there. But you are making crap pay. You can ask for more money but odds are they'll fire you.

 

What do you do?

[betterdeal]

If you're just messing with me, get out of my thread.

 

You're uncomfortable with your logical fallacies being exposed? You can't even hide behind nihilistic pseudo-logic now:

 

What's wrong with buying a woman off the internet? What are the drawbacks? You talk about them like commodities, so why not by one like a commodity?

 

And if you believe everything will go wrong, I presume you haven't eaten for days now. Right?

 

Of course buying a woman won't make you happy, and of course 99.999% of life goes right. There's enough oxygen in the air, the air is vibrating at an acceptable frequency, you have food when you want it, clothes, a roof over your head, language, limbs and so on and so forth.

 

You said earlier that you can offer a woman humour and kindness, but since then I haven't seen much of either. And no, I don't see gallows humour as being legit because you are not on the gallows, and many truth is said in jest, and by truth I mean what you believe to be the case, not some absolute.

 

Teknoe has raised an excellent point: your spiritual life is dire and you need to foster that to feel good. I'm an atheist, so I don't go to church, but I do have spiritual beliefs, I like the thinking of Buddha, Epicure, Socrates, Seneca and even some of the works of the Abrahamic philosophers such as Jesus and Mohammed.

 

Perhaps read some philosophy (The Consolations of Philosophy is a good entry level book) and reconnect with humanity. Not just other men, but humans of all kinds (male, female, transgender, whatever). Talk to your neighbours; contact old friends; say something nice to an old lady in the supermarket; just randomly interact with random people and use that to get used to being open.

 

Think about this: imagine you get a girlfriend. What are you going to do with 90% of your free time? Wish you had a girlfriend? Feel crap? You think that will sustain a relationship? Like heckers will it.

[Dust]

Next time with her I'm going to try and push the boundaries.

 

Think about it this way.

 

You're at a company you love and you're really happy with the what you're doing there. But you are making crap pay. You can ask for more money but odds are they'll fire you.

 

What do you do?

 

You’re not in a relationship with her yet. You need to hit on other women.

 

I don’t have a career job. I don’t apply to one job at a time. I apply to as many as I can tolerate. I sit there and write the cover letter, fill out the forms as many times as I can handle. Like you I’m making some sloppy lazy fearful mistakes. The key is to recognize and try instead of going into denial. The key is to have hope and believe in yourself.

 

If I did work for a company I loved but thought it was dead end I would try any ways. I would ask for the raise. The fact is I’ve never known any one who got fired for simply asking for a raise. (if they did you just get unemployment pay) If I was turned down I would find another job that got me to the next level and put me on the path I wanted to be on. I wouldn’t stay and work at a company I liked if it was dead end as far as I was concerned. So when I found the other job I would go then ask for the raise in a very different way. “I found a job that takes me in my career direction I’d love to stay here but unless you can match my offer this will be my 2 weeks notice.”

 

The people who just work a dead end job they are unhappy with because they “like” the company or some thing are easy to take advantage of.

[Teknoe]

When I was in High School and my first couple years of Jr. College, I had a group of guy friends. You know what? I was depressed then because I was single. Getting friends will not fix that.

 

I've crossed of many things on the "Why I think I'm depressed" list. The one that remains is, "I'm single."

 

 

This guy once tried out for the varsity basketball team during his high school sophomore year. He was released by the coach.

 

it didn't work.

 

He could have gave up.

 

But he didn't. He kept working hard. And he ended up as a 6-time NBA MVP.

 

His name, of course, is Michael Jordan.

 

We all fail. But just because you fall down, or it didn't work out with some guy friends 10-12 years ago... means you're not going to try again?

 

BATTLEFIELD OF THE MIND... get it, read it.

 

You seem to think if something (long ago) didn't work, it can't possibly work today. Do you recognize how WRONG this way of thinking is??

 

Real male friends can show you tough love in real life. Our words on this computer screen, they're not nearly as effective if I knew you in person and pushed you along. Drove you myself to church, or a volunteering center. That's what a REAL LIFE friend can do.

 

Also, having guy friends means expanding your networking. A lot of relationships are formed through mutual friends setting their friends up. There are SO MANY BENEFITS to having guy friends.

 

I'm not saying you need to go out and make 20.

 

Try to find 2-3 guys you can be real with. It helps a lot, trust me.

 

Myself, I had a 90 minute phone conversation with my buddy tonight. Just keeping each other in check, and ACCOUNTABLE. I'm seeing him tomorrow in church. He's a good guy, and his friendship has made me a healthier, better person.

 

You can't base future results on past results. Sorry, but that's what losers do. And if you keep that mentality, you'll never grow into the man you REALLY are, deep deep deep down.

 

Just imagine if Michael Jordan gave up on basketball because he got released his sophomore year. You can't base future results on past results.

 

On the bright side, I'm happy to see you posting in SELF IMPROVEMENT over Dating. Right now, dating should not even be an option for you. You should be seeking self-improvement, and a real tangible way to start that is form 1 or 2 real, honest guy friendships.

 

Work on that FIRST before you even think about dating. It's about building that foundation.

[Els]

Next time with her I'm going to try and push the boundaries.

 

Didn't you say that like, a month ago?

[somedude81]

Didn't you say that like, a month ago?

It's been about a month since I saw her last. That was the whole do I eat dinner with her family thing. That was 7/12. Since I had to have her home by six, I didn't have any opportunities to try and make a move.

 

After that, I went on vacation for a week and a half. Then I arranged a date but she ended up going to the wrong place. Then she went to Vegas for a week with her family. I'm pretty sure she's getting back today so I'll try to arrange something a couple of days from now. I don't want her to think I'm needy by wanting to see her right when she gets back.

 

And if you believe everything will go wrong

You obviously misunderstood what I was talking about. I meant my plans and experiences with women. Of couse I'm not talking about the air or me eating

 

You said earlier that you can offer a woman humour and kindness, but since then I haven't seen much of either. And no, I don't see gallows humour as being legit because you are not on the gallows, and many truth is said in jest, and by truth I mean what you believe to be the case, not some absolute.

If all you're doing is basing my humor from posts when I'm negative, of course you're going to think that I don't have any. For the record, I'm not negative in every one of my posts on this site. And I act completely different in person.

Think about this: imagine you get a girlfriend. What are you going to do with 90% of your free time? Wish you had a girlfriend? Feel crap? You think that will sustain a relationship? Like heckers will it.

Uh, once I have a girlfriend, I won't be wishing I had one or feel like crap. I'd be working to maintain the relationship and doing other things that make me happy.

 

For once I'd like to live life without the burden of loneliness on me.

 

You’re not in a relationship with her yet. You need to hit on other women.

No I'm not, which is why I said crap pay. It's like making $20 K a year on a job that could be paying 90. But the actual job is great.

 

I think what really matters is what one needs at the time.

 

Honestly though, these analogies don't matter any more. I've spent so little time with her this summer that she doesn't come close to meeting any of my needs. If she left my life, her presence wouldn't be missed. So I might as well make a move and get it over with. If she gets mad and takes off, I wouldn't have lost anything.

 

Right now, dating should not even be an option for you.

That's one thing I'm never going to agree about with you.

 

As for friends, I'll see what I do this semester. One thing you haven't really picked up on, is that I'm not good at making guy friends. Telling me to have them isn't that helpful when I don't know how to make them. And it's more than just being there.

Edited August 14, 2011 by somedude81

[Teknoe]

Uh, once I have a girlfriend, I won't be wishing I had one or feel like crap. I'd be working to maintain the relationship and doing other things that make me happy.

 

No, once you have a girlfriend you will have a new set of issues. Having a girlfriend doesn't automatically whisk away all your anxieties and fears. In fact, new issues will crop up. You seem to think if only you had a GF, things would be much better. It doesn't always work like that.

 

And this reminds me of my 22 year old cousin. He can't drive, he's been going to community college for 4 years (when he should have finished in 2 and transferred to a University... no one in the family knows what he's doing) plus he has some large social issues.... his father, when asked how his son is ever going to grow up, said ignorantly "When my son gets a GF, everything will be OK." He said it with a smile too, which made me feel sad he could be so ignorant.

 

Don't you see the flaw in my uncle's logic there?

 

How will his son get a GF if he's so incompetent? He doesn't believe in himself and likes to stay locked up in his room, on his computer, and stay to himself. His social skills are lousy.

 

Does even ANY of this sound familiar?

 

How will he EVER find a girlfriend in his present state of being?

 

You want a GF badly, but what about you will attract a good girl to you? If you can't answer that honestly, then keep working on you.

 

 

That's one thing I'm never going to agree about with you.

 

That's fine for me (since it's not my life). But may not be fine for you (since it's your life). It's obvious you're not in a healthy (enough) situation in your life to be in a (serious) relationship. If you don't genuinely make an effort to expand your horizons, and work on your attitude, your outlook on life... don't be shocked if you still make these same exact posts 2-3 years from now. Only difference will be -- you'll be 32, 33.

 

 

As for friends, I'll see what I do this semester. One thing you haven't really picked up on, is that I'm not good at making guy friends. Telling me to have them isn't that helpful when I don't know how to make them.

 

I already told you.

 

Visit your local church. Ask them when is their SMALL GROUP night, or the next night of fellowship (i.e. when they go to watch a movie, have a potluck or a game night -- in other words if you ain't ready/down to return to your church roots with a formal Bible study that's cool -- but AT LEAST join their non-Bible hang out time. You will likely meet some cool dudes and maybe even some cute girls). You can also volunteer, and that's another way you can make friends (although you should volunteer to help out, not to make friends, but it's one of those perks that comes along with volunteering).

 

Again, I ask you, HOW BAD DO YOU WANT IT?

 

I've given you two simple solutions on how to make guy friends. Why don't you JUST DO IT, and then see how it goes?

 

Like right now, you could easily search for a church near your place. Google.

 

You can find their website.

 

You can go on website and click on a link to find out about their small groups.

 

You can find the leader's email on that small groups information page.

 

You can shoot him or her a simple email like

 

Hi,

I'm a 30 year old man who hasn't been to church in a while, but am thinking of visiting a small group some time. I found out about this church and your group through a Google search. When and where do you guys meet? Also, when is your next activity night, like a game or movie night? I'd be interested in visiting.

 

Sincerely,

SomeDude81 (substitute your real name of course)

 

This can all be done in 5, 6 minutes tops.

 

You would get a response to your email, probably within 24 hours. I guarantee it. Then, you go to the activity, talk and begin to get to know some new people. Maybe a strong friendship or two will even form out of it.

 

See how simple it is? Why not just try it? Even if it's one time.

 

Again, WHAT HAVE YOU GOT TO LOSE? Answer: ABSOLUTELY NOTHING.

 

If you reach out to certain men, they are certain to reach back to you. Your local church is one answer.

 

Yes, I have picked up that you're not good at making male friends.

 

You need to pick up that I have offered you a very sound and reasonable, practical solution.

 

Now, what do you plan to do about it?

[somedude81]

Ugh, I don't know if this girl is rude, stupid or playing with me.

 

We talked over text Sunday night, just a couple of messages.

 

Today I messaged her at 11:30 AM saying that we should hang out tomorrow (no response) then at 5:30 pm (no response), then another at 9 Pm and then she finally replied a couple of minutes later telling me that her phone was on silent and that she might be busy tomorrow.

 

I called her right away as soon as I got the text and it went into voicemail...wtf? Sent her a text 30 minutes later and still no response.

 

Now there are three possibilities.

 

She's stupid/forgetful. Forgot to turn her phone off silent and didn't think to check it again thinking that I might try to message her again.

 

She's rude. Saw my messages and chose not to reply at all.

 

She's playing with me. Only choosing to respond to certain messages. I don't really know why she would do this.

 

I'm learning towards number one since there have been times when she didn't really seem to think things through or just downright forgot. She has said she's ADD if that's relevant.

 

Either way she's making me want to pull my hair out.

 

I sent her one last message at 11:30 PM asking her to tell me when she's free. If she doesn't get back to me, tomorrow I'm done.

Edited August 16, 2011 by somedude81

[Teknoe]

Ugh, I don't know if this girl is rude, stupid or playing with me.

 

We talked over text Sunday night, just a couple of messages.

 

Today I messaged her at 11:30 AM saying that we should hang out tomorrow (no response) then at 5:30 pm (no response), then another at 9 Pm and then she finally replied a couple of minutes later telling me that her phone was on silent and that she might be busy tomorrow.

 

I called her right away as soon as I got the text and it went into voicemail...wtf? Sent her a text 30 minutes later and still no response.

 

Now there are three possibilities.

 

She's stupid/forgetful. Forgot to turn her phone off silent and didn't think to check it again thinking that I might try to message her again.

 

She's rude. Saw my messages and chose not to reply at all.

 

She's playing with me. Only choosing to respond to certain messages. I don't really know why she would do this.

 

I'm learning towards number one since there have been times when she didn't really seem to think things through or just downright forgot. She has said she's ADD if that's relevant.

 

Either way she's making me want to pull my hair out.

 

I sent her one last message at 11:30 PM asking her to tell me when she's free. If she doesn't get back to me, tomorrow I'm done.

 

 

Move on. It was clear (to me) before she wasn't interested. Now it should be CRYSTAL CLEAR to you as well.

 

And you see? Let's pretend you do get a girlfriend. This **** could happen easily 2 months into the relationship, man.

 

I'm telling you -- as long as you place your happiness in another person, we call that co-dependency, you'll never live a happy, peaceful life. You'll always be up and down because guess what, human beings are all flawed and up and down.

 

Can't place your hopes and happiness on ANY girl, man. This is what I've been trying to tell you all this time.

 

 

Oh yeah, you didn't answer my reply above.

 

You talk about wanting change, but when offered very sound and practical opportunities to change, you shoot the idea down with an extremely closed mind.

 

At some point, a duck is a duck and a spade is a spade.

 

ACTIONS SPEAK LOUDER THAN WORDS.

 

Easy for ppl to talk about wanting to change, but very few actually step out of their comfort zone to invoke THAT change they claim to so desperately want.

 

Again I ask you, what are you going to do now? (in regards to my previous reply). I gave you a very legitimate way of making some male friends.

 

By not responding, I get the impression you have shot down my idea.

 

Again, you have NOTHING TO LOSE. For pete's sake man. JUST DO IT, and no BS excuses. Quit (over-)analyzing and quit finding reasons to say no. What are you made of? Are you just a talker? You gotta walk the walk too.

 

I'm not surprised your lady friend is being super flaky on you. Maybe it's truly time to re-prioritize your life vision and goals. Sometimes we gotta hit rock bottom before we finally say "Enough is enough, I can't keep chasing girls without first improving myself."

 

Again, let's start with making male friends.

Google a local church.

Email the young adults small group leader.

Ask when is their next hang-out activity night.

Go to it.

Socialize.

You might surprise yourself.

If nothing else, at least you TRIED IT.

[somedude81]

I'm such a loser. Everything I want is so close but I just can't get it. And I'm just being teased. Why doesn't she put me out of my misery? I should have been able to make her like me but I totally failed with her.

 

I really want to tell her off. Which I could have done last night if she answered her f-ing phone. I have so much anger in me I feel I can explode.

I'm telling you -- as long as you place your happiness in another person, we call that co-dependency, you'll never live a happy, peaceful life. You'll always be up and down because guess what, human beings are all flawed and up and down.

 

Can't place your hopes and happiness on ANY girl, man. This is what I've been trying to tell you all this time.

I'm sick of only depending on myself. I can't have a happy, peaceful life alone! Nobody can! That's the reason we get into relationships! How come only I have to learn to do it? I'm not a bad person.

 

But when things go wrong or don't happen I start to get mad and begin having violent thoughts. Things that are so out of character for me, but maybe I'm supposed to do them? I'm obviously not supposed to have a happy and fulfilled life.

 

On my list of priorities getting a girlfriend is a 10 and getting male friends is a 2. That's just how it is. If I meet a guy and he wants to hang out, great. But I'm not going to go out of my way trying to make any male friends. I just don't have any energy to try and pursue something like that.

 

My original plan was to kill myself before my 30th birthday, but I put that off because I started to get some hope Now I doubt I'll make it to the end of the year.

 

Things would be so much easier if I didn't love my immediate family. They are the only people who care about me. No offense to the people online.