I feel like crap

[thehead]

If betterdeal's advice is falling on deaf ears, somedude81, I gotta wonder how badly you want out of this situation.

 

It's gold, man.

[Els]

Nope I don't count bars or nightclubs, nor creepy guys who hit on everything. But I do count something like sitting at a coffee shop and a guy walks up to her and wants to get to know her better and asks for her number or to have dinner with her. And I'm sure each girl had several guys in school who wanted to date them.

 

That's one thing I'd want to ask her about. How often she gets hit on. She's pretty, but not a knockout and doesn't put in any effort in trying to attract men. I highly doubt I'm the only guy who has wanted to date her.

 

Firstly, don't ask her that. Please. Not a good idea, for yourself and for your chances.

 

Secondly, no, I don't think a random stranger asking for her number counts. Surely you have had, in reciprocal, girls who agreed to go out with you or give you their number when you asked. I don't think you counted that as girls who were interested in you, did you?

 

The dynamics may be a little twisted because of the fact that men usually do the asking, but I want to impress upon you that it is NOT necessarily easier for the average girl. Just as your hangouts with girls often lead to friendzones, the guys who walk up to a random girl and ask them for their number are usually asking lots of girls, and probably are just 'broadening their options' for a quick fling.

 

You need to stop thinking that girls are swamped with plenty of viable options, while you are the one struggling and being just another speck of sand in the dunes surrounding those girls. It is not like that, and that outlook is only going to make you pessimistic in your outlook, and unhappy with your gender. You have said many times that if you were a girl, you would be in a happy relationship now. There is no such guarantee. Relationships are equally hard for the average girl to find. For every girl that friendzones a guy, there is a guy who is playing a girl, or only trying to get sex from her.

[DepressedinDenver]

If somedude was in fact a girl he would have at least had a few relationships and a lot more sex and be less lonely than he is.

[Els]

I am so glad you proved my point for me, DepressedinDenver.

[DepressedinDenver]

Well I was depressed for a different reason than somedude. My statement above was just being real.

[somedude81]

Ha, I consider myself to be a physically fit, average/ average-plus looking girl, and I didn't get hit on at all until I was about 21 and those times were few and far between. I did not date at all until 2 years ago, at 24 when I signed up for a couple of dating sites. I only got maybe one message a week, mostly from disgusting horny guys who lived at least 100 miles away, and most of the messages that I sent out myself were ignored.

Hmm, that sounds really odd. And you call yourself Average+ too. Yeah I don't know why you didn't get hit on. Not dating until 24 and only because you started online dating?

 

I do have a boyfriend now, but I can actually relate to a lot of things you are saying. Though I do have shyness/slight anxiety issues, I have never been depressed.

Shyness and anxiety may be the issue. I'm sure you've had men talk to you to feel you out but you probably responded in a way that they interpreted as non-interest. If a girl doesn't help maintain a conversation, a guy is not going to bother with her.

 

 

 

However, I would get really irritated when people would tell me to be more confident and to work on myself before finding a boyfriend. I had already built up some confidence, as I had hobbies I enjoyed, friends to hang out with, and was pretty good at my job. But the not having a boyfriend, not dating, and not even having anyone being attracted to me was the only thing that was really messing with my confidence, especially when all of my friends had such an easier time of things. Being a late bloomer with dating isn't something that people who have never been in that situation can really understand. When such a big thing has always been missing, it is hard to buck up and not let the negative feelings eat at you, especially when those negative self doubting thoughts always seem to be proven true.

Yeah, that's exactly how I feel.

 

I get the impression is that people want to give advice, but they really don't have a clue what to say. So they give the generic, work on your confidence, do things you enjoy etc.

 

I fully agree that people who have not experienced not being able to find a partner have no idea what it's like. They just can't relate.

 

But despite that, you have to learn to not let it consume you, and to keep trying. It took me about two years of active online dating to find boyfriend out of it, and I couldn't let every rejection get to me, whether it was just someone ignoring or rejecting a message, or someone I already met doing the rejecting. I'm sure it's more difficult with people that you have known in real life for a while, like the girl you are dealing with, but it'll be a new semester for you soon, with new opportunities for dating. You just have to continuously put yourself out there in order to make it happen. I know that is lame advice, but it really truly is the only way you can move on, and gain some experience.

That's the real hard part. I've been actively trying to get a girlfriend since I was 13. Though I was shy and basically scared of girls till I was 10. So those seven years of trying didn't really count. Though from 20-30 I didn't have the fear and enjoyed interacting and joking around with girls but I still didn't have any success at all. All I've managed to do is make friends with girls and that is what eats at me. That's when I started to get bitter because I realize that the vast majority of women do have it much easier then I do. While there are some exceptions it's really easy to discount them. I see women on this forum who go from relationship to relationship with maybe a couple weeks break between them and I'm still trying to get my first.

 

I just have a multitude of negative emotions and unsatisfying experiences in my life. The happy moments are few and far between and they didn't even live up to their full potential.

 

By the way, I'm 5'7, and had no issue dating a guy that was 5'6 once. Shorter guys can very attractive when they carry themselves as such.

That's good to hear. Especially since you're actually taller then me and didn't have an issue dating a guy shorter than you.

 

Though when it comes to girls rejecting me, I don't really know if my height is an issue or not. Too bad I can't give them a questionnaire to fill out

From his perspective it wasn’t a sure thing. You’ve already brought girls back to your place and not done so much as put a finger on them. So, what I’m saying is you’re all talk Somedude.

 

He had the same “what if I screw up, what if she stops liking me” fears you do. Yet you hear his story and can’t see it.

 

If I were given the opportunities you are given on a regular basis Somedude I’d be all over it most men would say. I wish I had something as obvious as a girl agreeing to come back and play “video games” most guys would tell you.

ROFL! Are you serious?! A girl coming over to play video games is equivalent to a girl coming to his place and taking her clothes off? :lmao::lmao:

 

Later on the girl actually kissed him. I've had girls refuse to give me a hug.

 

I have had a grand total of three girls at my place. The first one was a coworker who ended up rejecting me. Second one was somebody I went on a date with and told me that she "didn't want to get to know me better." Third one was the girl I always talk about. Never mind the fact that by the time I brought her over she had already rejected me. If I had tried to make a move any of those times she would have gotten mad.

 

Obvious my ass.

Firstly, don't ask her that. Please. Not a good idea, for yourself and for your chances.

But I'm so curious. I'm really interested in that. Though I'll take your advice.

 

I think I'll ask a couple of female friends who are roughly equivalent in looks.

 

Secondly, no, I don't think a random stranger asking for her number counts. Surely you have had, in reciprocal, girls who agreed to go out with you or give you their number when you asked. I don't think you counted that as girls who were interested in you, did you?

Of course I'd count a girl who gave me her number after I made it obvious that I was interested. BTW I don't ask out random strangers. So I wouldn't really count that then. But if she kind of knew a guy and talked to him for a bit, yes that counts.

You need to stop thinking that girls are swamped with plenty of viable options, while you are the one struggling and being just another speck of sand in the dunes surrounding those girls. It is not like that, and that outlook is only going to make you pessimistic in your outlook, and unhappy with your gender.

I didn't say swamped. Even getting one serious approach every six months is much more than what the average guy gets.

 

I'll refer back to last semester when I was rejected by five non-random girls that I had met at school. I'm sure each of those girls had other guys besides me who tried to date them.

 

You have said many times that if you were a girl, you would be in a happy relationship now. There is no such guarantee. Relationships are equally hard for the average girl to find. For every girl that friendzones a guy, there is a guy who is playing a girl, or only trying to get sex from her.

Oh, I'm very much certain that if I was a girl, I'd be in a relationship. Psychically I'd be fine and with the same personality I have now, as in not that outgoing but still easy to talk to, there's be no issue. Also I wouldn't let a guy FWB me.

 

The fact of the matter is, a guy is much more likely to say yes to a date then a girl is. And if a guy only wants sex, drop him.

[ptp]

If betterdeal's advice is falling on deaf ears, somedude81, I gotta wonder how badly you want out of this situation.

 

It's gold, man.

 

 

IMO somedude is falling into one_goal territory.

[somedude81]

IMO somedude is falling into one_goal territory.

Care to explain?

[ptp]

Care to explain?

 

You don't listen and make excuses when numerous people are trying to tell you the same thing.

 

Thus acting like one goal.

[somedude81]

Oh, I thought you were talking about the harassing thing that he does with girls.

 

As for taking advice or not, that's debatable.

[triponsynth]

Hmm, that sounds really odd. And you call yourself Average+ too. Yeah I don't know why you didn't get hit on. Not dating until 24 and only because you started online dating?

 

Shyness and anxiety may be the issue. I'm sure you've had men talk to you to feel you out but you probably responded in a way that they interpreted as non-interest. If a girl doesn't help maintain a conversation, a guy is not going to bother with her.

 

 

Well, I think the fact that I'm a black girl in a mostly white town/area may have played a big part in why I was single, despite being average + looking/physically fit. Although, maybe I'm delusional and I'm not average plus at all And yes, the shyness really did hinder me in many cases especially with group outings at bars or other events. However, once someone speaks to me and is trying for an actual conversation I am usually very responsive. It's doing the approaching that gets me. I get overwhelmed easily in large crowds and can sometimes go into shut down mode. Plus I think I sometimes look mean when I'm in deep thought which really turns people off, and it's something I've worked on a lot. Still, the times when I have been chatted up and approached were pretty rare to begin with, so I didn't get to have much practice. And I have been in groups with women who have had obvious sour puss attitudes, and witnessed them getting hit on, so who knows?

 

Maybe there is something similar happening with you with some women. Perhaps your intentions are being misinterpreted somehow? How assertive are you with girls that you are interested in? More specifically, do you typically flirt with girls that you are interested in right away or wait until they're really comfortable with you?

 

Yeah, that's exactly how I feel.

 

I get the impression is that people want to give advice, but they really don't have a clue what to say. So they give the generic, work on your confidence, do things you enjoy etc.

 

I fully agree that people who have not experienced not being able to find a partner have no idea what it's like. They just can't relate.

This has always bugged me too. While I'm glad that people have pointed out that my shyness was holding me back, it annoyed me when female friends would tell me that I didn't look like I was having fun with them while out at a bar. Of course I wasn't, because once they get hit on or approached by guys, I was stuck by myself in a loud bar sandwiched between a bunch of people who had their backs turned to me. I'm glad at least that I learned that getting dating practice from trying to meet people at bars was not the proper venture for a shy introvert.

 

That being said, while I won't tell you to be more confident and get new hobbies etc, I think it is important for you to think about how some of your behavior may be coming across to the women you want to date. My issue was shyness, and letting rejection keep me from finding what I wanted. If you haven't had any success with non-random, non high maintenance, regular women for the past 10 years after consistent trying, then there is something that needs to be fixed on your end with how you're interacting with these women. You won't be able to figure it out if you don't stay in the game though.

[betterdeal]

If somedude was in fact a girl he would have at least had a few relationships and a lot more sex and be less lonely than he is.

 

How's that work? There's a 1:1 ratio of men / women in the West. You seem to think there's loads of guys out there with harems. There aren't.

 

There's plenty of fat, ugly, shy, depressed, spotty, disabled, smelly, highly strung women out there. They're just a lot more socially unacceptable than their male counterparts, such that they are ashamed of themselves so much they keep right out of the debate entirely.

[betterdeal]

ROFL! Are you serious?! A girl coming over to play video games is equivalent to a girl coming to his place and taking her clothes off?

 

Later on the girl actually kissed him. I've had girls refuse to give me a hug.

 

I have had a grand total of three girls at my place. The first one was a coworker who ended up rejecting me. Second one was somebody I went on a date with and told me that she "didn't want to get to know me better." Third one was the girl I always talk about. Never mind the fact that by the time I brought her over she had already rejected me. If I had tried to make a move any of those times she would have gotten mad.

 

Obvious my ass.

 

Hell, I have other stories, just like yours, with other girls, so your pretending you're any different from what I was like doesn't wash. Women do like you, women do want to have sex with you, but something is holding you back. You're afraid of something, that's all that's holding you back.

[DepressedinDenver]

How's that work? There's a 1:1 ratio of men / women in the West. You seem to think there's loads of guys out there with harems. There aren't.

 

There's plenty of fat, ugly, shy, depressed, spotty, disabled, smelly, highly strung women out there. They're just a lot more socially unacceptable than their male counterparts, such that they are ashamed of themselves so much they keep right out of the debate entirely.

 

ANY girl and I do mean any can go into a bar and get sex from a decent looking guy. A girl can also have more options to date. Maybe not necessarily good options but options nonetheless thus making them less lonely than guys like somedude.

[betterdeal]

Yes, mate. They don't have neurosis like you or somedude; they're just fussy.

[Els]

The fact of the matter is, a guy is much more likely to say yes to a date then a girl is. And if a guy only wants sex, drop him.

 

A guy is more likely to say yes to a date but not a relationship, somedude. :/ That's what you keep deluding yourself about. It is not true. Why would I be lying to you? You keep telling yourself that all those women you are interested in have plenty of other guys chasing them, and depress yourself accordingly, when it is not usually the case.

 

Look at it this way - for every man in the world that is in a relationship, there are as many women who are in them. Of course, I am leaving same sex couples out of the question, as I am assuming that there are roughly equal numbers of lesbian and gay couples, so they cancel each other out in the equation. How does this correlate with your viewpoint?

[ptp]

Oh, I thought you were talking about the harassing thing that he does with girls.

 

As for taking advice or not, that's debatable.

 

If I thought you were harassing women, I would never post in your thread and try to help you. Regarding advice, I know I don't give the best advice but some of the stuff others have written is really good. It helped me and I am not even in the same situation as you.

 

Multiple people have told you to drop this girl but, you seem to continue to make excuses for keeping her around.

 

Listen to people who are trying to help, don't be like one_goal.

[Nay]

First off move on, and no one can make you happy life is what you make it.

[DepressedinDenver]

Yes, mate. They don't have neurosis like you or somedude; they're just fussy.

 

No neurosis just facts.

[betterdeal]

Yes mate. If that's what helps you sleep at night, you keep believing it.

[somedude81]

Women do like you, women do want to have sex with you,

I really wish that was true. It would make me feel so much better.

 

I only know of three girls that actually wanted to sleep with me. Two of them changed their mind/rejected me after I said/did something stupid. The other one was older than me, much heavier and I wasn't attracted to her at all. So while I did turn her down, I don't consider her an option. What's odd is that all three of them were significantly heavier than I was.

 

I don't know if any of the girls I hung out with ever wanted to sleep with me. Since they all rejected me, I guess the answer was "no."

 

Maybe there were girls that I interacted with in the past that wanted me. But if they didn't let me know, at least hint it; what good does it do me?

 

I remember being at a burger joint in my home town a few years ago. A couple of girls walk up to me and sat down. "Are you somedude? Did you know (some random girl) in High School? She totally had a crush on you"

 

Here I was thinking, "wow a girl liked me? Too bad she didn't let me know at all." I could have had a girlfriend in High School instead of graduating without one. But without actually knowing and being able to do something about it, it doesn't leave me with anything.

 

but something is holding you back. You're afraid of something, that's all that's holding you back.

What could be holding me back?

 

It's not like I don't ask out girls. The only thing I can see myself doing is asking out every girl I have a conversation with and that's just weird.

 

Though one thing I am afraid of doing is making moves. I have never made a first move. Heck the only girl I ever kissed, basically told me to kiss her. But if I had a good feeling that a girl liked me, I'm sure I can make the first move. But it's been a long time since I felt that somebody was interested in me. About 4-5 years ago now that I think about it.

[somedude81]

Wow, just so much anger today.

 

The frustration is really building up. I've basically been mad the entire day. And then I saw Tasha49's thread about short guys and that really set me off. I should have known better. Like moths to a flame.

 

I'm glad that I got a few days off of work. But I have a bunch of free time and nothing to do. She's still in Vegas. I sent her a text in the morning and of course she ignored it or "forgot" to reply. Whatever.

 

School is starting in a couple of weeks. If I can't get anything good to happen, I'm done.

[Dust]

Wow, just so much anger today.

 

The frustration is really building up. I've basically been mad the entire day. And then I saw Tasha49's thread about short guys and that really set me off. I should have known better. Like moths to a flame.

 

I'm glad that I got a few days off of work. But I have a bunch of free time and nothing to do. She's still in Vegas. I sent her a text in the morning and of course she ignored it or "forgot" to reply. Whatever.

 

School is starting in a couple of weeks. If I can't get anything good to happen, I'm done.

 

You should go speak to the mental health counselor at your school. Maybe it will help?

[somedude81]

Yeah, I'm considering doing the therapy thing again.

 

Though my biggest fear is telling somebody how I really feel and getting locked up in a hospital. That's just not going to help me.

[Dust]

Yeah, I'm considering doing the therapy thing again.

 

Though my biggest fear is telling somebody how I really feel and getting locked up in a hospital. That's just not going to help me.

 

They wouldn’t do that. People go and say crazy crap all the time and most of them don’t get locked up. You’re not talking about immediately ending it so you probably won’t be locked up. Might feel good to get this stuff of your chest to a real person.

 

Like my guess is if you went there and said I’m going to kill myself soon probably tonight. You would be locked up. Also if you said something like I’m going to hurt some one real bad very soon. You might also get locked up. But even then not necessarily.

 

If you just go in and say if things don’t get better I don’t know how I can go on and I’m so pissed I sometimes feel I will just snap. I want to punch some one. Nah you won’t get locked up. In fact your frustrated and upset so people say stuff like that. Just go see a counselor who works with you school. Just making the appointment might fill you with some hope. It’s worth a try.