I feel like crap

[Teknoe]

Yup, positive experiences can lead to increased confidence and a more outgoing personality.

 

Indeed.

 

And positive experiences can be had when you're 12, or when you're 30. It doesn't matter -- you can always start SOMEWHERE and move up the ladder. But if you stay stuck in neutral through your lack of actions -- don't be surprised when you're still in the same mental wreck 5 years from now, except you'll be 35, and this thread will be 960 pages long by then.

 

You can start RIGHT NOW by changing up what you've been doing that hasn't worked.

 

For example, you know another lonely Saturday night spent surfing the 'net and posting on LoveShack isn't going to get you anywhere.

 

So, why not find some gathering to join, some sort of young adults activity? They're out there, especially in Southern California where you live. Don't just stay home again.

 

 

Frankly, I'm starting to believe that the not very attractive guys who have lots of confidence, only got that way because of luck.

 

Does luck play a factor? Sure it does. I never discounted luck. However, most average looking guys aren't just lucky. They have a gameplan in life, and they seek out to proactively execute it. That's why they're "successful" and have a girlfriend who ranks higher on the looks scale.

 

 

But since I've only experienced failure, that is what I expect.

 

Well yeah. It's a self-fulfilling prophecy. You expect to fail. You expect to go nowhere. You expect to be alone and miserable. So don't be surprised when that comes to light time in and time again.

 

Look, if you're told enough times you're stupid, you'll start to do dumb things. If you're told enough times you're nothing but a screwup, you start to believe it.

 

Your thought life is killing you.

 

That's the first basic fundamental thing you should repair -- if you genuinely seek to improve, then first you must renew the way you see yourself and the world. Girls don't hate you and the world isn't conspiring against you.

 

You are in control of your breaks in life.

 

Well, I'm out. Time to go ballroom dancing with my friends. If it weren't for them, I would be home alone on a Saturday night. Instead, I might meet someone special, but the MAIN thing is, I'm gonna get out of the house tonight and enjoy myself for 3-4 hours.

 

Thank goodness for friends....

[Teknoe]

Time to go ballroom dancing with my friends. If it weren't for them, I would be home alone on a Saturday night. Instead, I might meet someone special, but the MAIN thing is, I'm gonna get out of the house tonight and enjoy myself for 3-4 hours.

 

Thank goodness for friends....

 

 

Writing this for SD and any others reading who may be in similar 'lone wolf' shoes as our pal SD.

 

Just got back from ballroom dancing. I'm so not a dancer. My looks is a 5/10 or 6/10 on a good day, and my dancing skills? Like a putrid 2/10, lol. I would never go dancing but because my male/female friends encouraged me to, I gave it a shot. Ended up having a good time, and met some pretty cool women there. Also, I got to dance with my 5 female friends and each of them had different uplifting things to say

 

examples:

 

"Teknoe, I'm so proud of you! You're doing quite well!"

 

"Teknoe, I'm so glad you came tonight. It's great seeing you!"

 

"Teknoe, you're not a bad dancer believe it or not!"

 

Again, these are all comments from my female friends. You know what? It boosted my confidence. After dancing we went out for a late night snack and just sat around talking for 2 hours.

 

If it weren't for them, I'd be home alone yet again on another Saturday night. Surfing the 'net, watching a movie by myself, repeat rinse til 3 AM.

 

Instead I got out there, challenged myself to a task which scared me (dancing, I have two left feet), had good times with friends, and my female friends all heaped on encouraging comments. My guy friends were also proud of me that I faced my fear head on.

 

You'd be amazed at the power of a quality friendship. Too much isolation leads one to be vulnerable for bouts of depression, and a general listlessness and apathy to life.

 

This is why FRIENDS ARE IMPORTANT!

[somedude81]

How many of those female friends would date you?

 

How many of your friends, guys and girls introduced you to people that you've dated?

[Teknoe]

How many of those female friends would date you?

 

How many of your friends, guys and girls introduced you to people that you've dated?

 

 

The females are a mixed group. Two are 29, the other three are 35 to 40 years old. One of the 29 year olds is taken (in fact, her BF was there last night, we talked for a bit and he's a cool guy), the other one would probably say yes if I asked her "Hey, can I take you out on a date sometime?"

 

The singles in the group are keeping an eye out for each other. For example, I'm always thinking of single guys that could possibly date my 35-40 year female friends, since their clock is really ticking. So far I haven't been introduced to any females that I've dated, but I think you're missing the point here.

 

Whether that ever happens or not is not THAT big.

 

What I care MOST about is that EACH of their individual friendships has enriched my life in some SMALL way. They have made life more enjoyable, more uplifting and more fun. Collectively, it all adds up.

 

So whether or not I meet my special woman through one of them is not really a big deal to me. To me, their friendship is enough. I can always (hopefully) meet my special lady some other way.

 

Here's the bottom line: I'm thankful to have them as friends versus not at all. You keep looking at friends as "Well, can they lead me to a girlfriend?" There's nothing wrong with that EXCEPT when you make that your one and only criteria. You should enjoy friendship for just two or more people walking down the same path in life making it a more enjoyable venture.

 

You're so focused on finding/getting a GF that you're missing out on basic joys in life. Again, you're trying to run 10 miles when you should start slow and easy by jogging just one mile first. Baby steps. Make and develop some male/female friendships first. Nobody I know has gone from zero friends to girlfriend. Please mull over this and see what steps you can take to put yourself out there and form some new friendships. You don't have to answer this out loud but I'm willing to bet your Saturday night last night was spent alone and at home. (if not, tell me otherwise). Don't let life pass you by... we all have GF desires, but you gotta take baby steps first toward forming a more healthy you. For you, priorities should be, in order, 1). Reparing your thought life to NOT be so negative 2). Forming and developing healthy friendships

[Beachgirl8]

Her friend convinced her?

 

I wonder how much influence a woman's friends have?

 

Could that be one reason why I haven't gotten anywhere with women. When ever I was with a girl it was always just the two of us and I never met her friends. And therefore, there was nobody telling her that she should hook up with me after I left.

 

Yes! Good thinking. Most women, especially younger ones, are heavily influenced by their friends' opinions.

[Teknoe]

Yes! Good thinking. Most women, especially younger ones, are heavily influenced by their friends' opinions.

 

 

The answer is clear. SD won't improve or go anywhere near his girlfriend goal if he stays a lone wolf. It just won't happen. If he makes friends, does that guarantee he'll get a GF? Well no. But like I said in my previous post, that's the problem too -- he's been looking at "friendship" as a bridge to getting a GF, and because it hasn't worked in the past he can't be bothered to have and keep friends.

 

Just appreciate friendship for friendship.

 

It's better to have friends than not to have friends at all.

 

So SD, what do you plan to do? You gotta get out there and put yourself out there. Coz if you just keep staying at home locked up in your bedroom complaining on LS, NOTHING will ever change for you.

[somedude81]

The answer is clear. SD won't improve or go anywhere near his girlfriend goal if he stays a lone wolf.

THAT'S what you got out of her post?

 

If anything it told me that I need to be in an environment where I can interact with her and one or more of her friends and try to make a good impression on the friend(s).

 

That's nowhere even close to what you are tying to push.

[Teknoe]

THAT'S what you got out of her post?

 

If anything it told me that I need to be in an environment where I can interact with her and one or more of her friends and try to make a good impression on the friend(s).

 

That's nowhere even close to what you are tying to push.

 

 

Yes. It's time to change the way you think, SD.

 

"What I'm trying to push" ? You know, what I'm trying to push as you call it, is a HEALTHY thing, right? I'm encouraging you to see friendship from a new angle. Friendship for friendship's sake. Not as a means to get a girlfriend through one of your friends. That is a POSSIBLE PERK, but if you go into a friendship looking for that as the ULTIMATE goal, you're always going to end up hurt and disappointed.

 

Yes, I know what Beach was proposing. But let's not miss the heartbeat here.

 

Say you do interact with a girl's girl friends... guess what, if she has friends and you meet her friends, and you have no friends, it's going to ring off alarms in her head.

 

Don't you think that would be kind of awkward?

 

That's why I'm "pushing" the friendship card so hard.

 

It's clear that you must make and have healthy friendships BEFORE you can get a girlfriend, or BETTER YET, before you CAN BE that healthy boyfriend (now we're shifting our perspective from SELFISH to SELFLESS).

 

Being a lone wolf will never, ever get you anywhere.

 

And I'm not surprised you waited to reply until someone else posted different thoughts. My last couple posts on this page you couldn't find anyway to argue with them, could you? That's because deep down YOU KNOW what I wrote were undeniable truths... truths which you couldn't even begin to try and deny... and the sooner you embrace the truths of what AUTHENTIC FRIENDSHIP can do for your well-being, and the sooner you work toward that, the better off you will be.

 

Nothing will ever improve for you if you continue being a lone wolf locked up in your own isolated little world.

[somedude81]

 

Say you do interact with a girl's girl friends... guess what, if she has friends and you meet her friends, and you have no friends, it's going to ring off alarms in her head.

LOL, where is the connection? I meet her friends and then suddenly me having no friends matters? I think you were suppose to think of a scenario where her friends and my friends get together and we all hang out. Even if I had a group of friends, all of us mixing together would be highly unlikely.

And I'm not surprised you waited to reply until someone else posted different thoughts. My last couple posts on this page you couldn't find anyway to argue with them, could you?

That's because I find the majority of your posts completely ridiculous that I don't bother responding.

 

No offense Teknoe but I rather not have this thread become just you and me going back and forth.

[aj22one]

I'm not going to read all 60 pages, but why don't you try this SD, make a list of all the things you want in a woman ideally but realistically and then make a second list of all the things you could live with (max age, minimum age, interests, etc.)? Then come back here and post the list.

[Beachgirl8]

I have another thought for you tonight:

Analysis Paralysis.

 

There are any number of ideas and suggestions that you can negate because you can think your way out of why they may not work for you.

 

Maybe thinking LESS is the answer- take one suggestion at a time and implement it. Action.

 

For example, volunteering has been suggested. You aren't totally sold on the idea. You haven't given it a fair shot.

 

Do it anyway. Make a 6 month commitment to a charity and volunteer. Not because you understand the specific ramifications it might have on your dating life, but because it's a good idea according to many people who have tried it and it has worked for them.

 

I know you are an engineer and need evidence in order to believe something is true. But it doesn't always work that way with relationships and human beings. Sometimes you have to just try new things and not get discouraged, laugh at yourself and then try again. Sometimes what seems counterintuitive is what ends up working.

 

Friends are important to have for a myriad of reasons. Don't worry about specific examples of what might happen in the future. Make some new friends and see what happens in real life.

[Teknoe]

LOL, where is the connection? I meet her friends and then suddenly me having no friends matters?

 

You have a bad habit of laughing things off in this thread like they don't matter WHEN THEY DO. You do know that girls talk to each other about guys, right? Everything from what kind of car you drive to what your work situation is like to even who your friends are. They like to do an "inventory checklist" and if you come up with zero friends, that is a HUGE red flag to a woman, whether you like it or not that is the truth.

 

Someone who has no friends is a huge warning sign because it suggests that person either:

 

1). Has intimacy issues

2). Has commitment issues

3). Has social issues

4). Has confidence issues (loners are often associated as "losers")

 

etc. etc.

 

An isolated person is just bad news. And girls will avoid you because you're almost always automatically deemed "unsafe" or "untrustworthy." However, if you have friends who can vouch on behalf of you, or share a good word about you -- man, you could be in business.

 

Whereas, without friends, no one can vouch for you. Pretty simple. It's not rocket science.

 

You also mentioned a while back in this thread that your lady friend of 2+ years has no clue you have no friends. I remember the way you worded it... was worded as a negative thing (having no friends) and that she doesn't have to know. In other words, you're quick to hide it, not wanting to reveal to her the fact that you have no friends. This is because you know having no friends is negative and not something you want to shout from the rooftops. Deep down you know IT MATTERS. You can LOL all you want, but friendship matters.

 

 

Even if I had a group of friends, all of us mixing together would be highly unlikely.

 

Why are you so negative? This mixing happens for me all the time, as well as others. Why don't you find a group of friends first, so that this is POSSIBLE? Maybe mixing won't happen, but wouldn't you like AT LEAST a chance for mixing to occur? Why do you constantly quit before you even start?

 

 

That's because I find the majority of your posts completely ridiculous that I don't bother responding.

 

You can try, but you haven't got me fooled. You may deny this until your face is blue, but you know the real reason you don't bother responding is you know what I've suggested (especially on THIS page) is actually a good thing, a healthy thing, and you can't squirm your way out of denying that having friends is a healthy thing, so you rather just ignore it. Plus you know that I do kind of "know you" even though we never met, and sometimes my posts hit TOO CLOSE to home for comfort. I'm no longer an anonymous poster, but almost like a real life friend who is trying to keep you accountable and in check -- only, it's clear you're not ready for real changes. It explains a lot why you don't have any friends or you never followed through to find a therapist in 2011. That would require some real life accountability, some real life checking up, and some real life follow through.

 

You rather live your quiet life alone, no one to bother or challenge you to grow. Deep down, you want to change. But, it's just easier to keep living in the rut that you have been, and in a way, it's safer too (even though it comes at the expense of living the life YOU truly DESERVE -- a better, enriching, fulfilling life). You won't get rejected if you don't put yourself out there. I get it. I've been there. In fact, I still have days and weeks where I'm still there. It IS scary. But you can't let that fear cripple you.

 

This thread is one big pattern. You avoid the truth, deny/laugh at suggestions for growth, and always make everything about getting a girlfriend.

 

Maybe before you sprint, you oughta start out jogging. I don't know why you can't accept these basic truths many of us have been trying to tell you for over 55+ pages. You really are making this harder than it has to be. There has been a TON of wisdom given to you in this topic. Instead, you LOL, respond with "BS" or flat out deny things. I don't get it. There is definitely something going on in your mind that is not right. You have an inability to humble yourself and say "Hmm, what I've been doing hasn't worked. Let me listen to the sound advice given generously here with an open heart for a change."

 

You remind me of the guy driving in the wrong direction who refuses to stop and ask for directions. You just keep driving in the wrong direction trying to figure it out on your own, making things worse for yourself.

 

We've been giving you U-Turn signs and such, but you're adamant on doing it YOUR way. A way which, so far, has not worked out too well for you.

[betterdeal]

Did you know the processes involved in getting into shape? When you do strenuous exercise it creates small rips and damage to the muscles involved. The body responds by repairing the damage and growing more tissue in that muscle.

 

You can cause serious injury by applying too much strain on a muscle and it will take a long time to repair. Conversely, too little exercise and as the muscle tissue naturally reaches the end of its lifespan it isn't all replaced, so the muscle shrinks.

 

The growth actually occurs when the muscle is resting, shortly after the strenuous activity.

 

So you have to find a level of activity somewhere between doing nothing and straining your muscles so much that you end up with incapacitating big tears in the tissue. And once you've found this "edge" between good damage and bad damage, you also have to add some rest days to let the body repair and fortify the traumatised muscle.

 

Naturally, you also need to have nutrients with which to build the new tissue with. So you need to eat well too.

 

It's funny how we need to do a bit of hard work - but not too much - to get to where we want to be, isn't it?

Edited November 8, 2011 by betterdeal

[TheBigQuestion]

Somedude, I haven't read this thread in it's entirety, but I think I've read enough to ask the following question.

 

Is there any advice anyone could give here that you WOULD listen to? You've dismissed pretty much everything that others say have helped them get through their funks and/or become better at relating to the opposite sex.

 

Do you even want assistance, or are you primarily after sympathy?

[somedude81]

I'm not going to read all 60 pages, but why don't you try this SD, make a list of all the things you want in a woman ideally but realistically and then make a second list of all the things you could live with (max age, minimum age, interests, etc.)? Then come back here and post the list.

What would be the point of the list? It would also be pretty board.

 

 

I have another thought for you tonight:

Analysis Paralysis.

 

There are any number of ideas and suggestions that you can negate because you can think your way out of why they may not work for you.

Yeah it is a bit confusing getting so many suggestions thrown at me. And there is something I realized which I'll get to.

 

BTW I read what you said about volunteering and I don't think that's where my focus should be.

 

I saw my lady friend today and we hung out for a couple of hours which was all she could manage to spare. Despite the short amount of time together, I manged to get her mad at me, twice.

 

The first time we were looking at a little shirt kiosk on campus and I joked that she should pick a shirt that shows some cleavage.

 

When we left the kiosk she told me that I shouldn't have made that comment about her cleavage and that it embarrassed and upset her. I apologized and I explained that I didn't know that it would be embarrassing for her and that I haven't really been around girls that much to know what is appropriate to talk about around them.

 

The other time is when we were in the college advising center talking to the guy behind the desk (why she was even going to an advising center when she was with me, I have no idea) She wants to add a business minor to her degree and I could tell that she didn't really know what she was doing. While she was talking to the guy behind the counter I jumped in asked if she could make an appointment with a major adviser to help her choose what minor she should pick. When we were leaving the room I could tell that she was mad. She told me that she didn't appreciate me jumping in when this was her business. We then parted ways right after that both of us a little mad at the other. I just wanted to help but I did realize that it wasn't my place to afterwards.

 

I sent her a few texts apologizing but she didn't respond. And then I told her that we have to talk and that I don't like having negativity between us. She replied, that we can talk in a couple of days since she has a lot going on. Not really what I expected but still better than nothing.

 

Getting back to my point, I realize that I have almost no idea how to act when I'm around women. I'm either super quiet or don't do anything, or when I'm comfortable around somebody, like I am with her, I go to far because I don't know where the limits are or what is acceptable.

 

I really need to spend more quality time with girls to figure these things out. It just happens so rarely for me that I'm not given many opportunities to learn.

[Teknoe]

Despite the short amount of time together, I manged to get her mad at me, twice.

 

The first time we were looking at a little shirt kiosk on campus and I joked that she should pick a shirt that shows some cleavage.

 

When we left the kiosk she told me that I shouldn't have made that comment about her cleavage and that it embarrassed and upset her. I apologized and I explained that I didn't know that it would be embarrassing for her and that I haven't really been around girls that much to know what is appropriate to talk about around them.

 

The other time is when we were in the college advising center talking to the guy behind the desk (why she was even going to an advising center when she was with me, I have no idea) She wants to add a business minor to her degree and I could tell that she didn't really know what she was doing. While she was talking to the guy behind the counter I jumped in asked if she could make an appointment with a major adviser to help her choose what minor she should pick. When we were leaving the room I could tell that she was mad. She told me that she didn't appreciate me jumping in when this was her business. We then parted ways right after that both of us a little mad at the other. I just wanted to help but I did realize that it wasn't my place to afterwards.

 

I sent her a few texts apologizing but she didn't respond. And then I told her that we have to talk and that I don't like having negativity between us. She replied, that we can talk in a couple of days since she has a lot going on. Not really what I expected but still better than nothing.

 

Getting back to my point, I realize that I have almost no idea how to act when I'm around women. I'm either super quiet or don't do anything, or when I'm comfortable around somebody, like I am with her, I go to far because I don't know where the limits are or what is acceptable.

 

 

Yeah, why doesn't this surprise anyone here. You're starting to wear thin on her. Your desperation for crumbs from her leads me to believe this "friendship" won't last much longer. You're treating her like a GF when she isn't -- that is the problem. Bigger problem is she doesn't want you acting as her BF, but rather, just as her platonic friend. So when you make comments about her showing more cleavage (way to be selfless, by the way) or jumping in to try and help her when she doesn't need or asked for it -- I can't blame her for being upset at you.

 

And then you texted her sorry a couple times. All these actions are serious self-sabotaging actions.

 

 

I really need to spend more quality time with girls to figure these things out. It just happens so rarely for me that I'm not given many opportunities to learn.

 

Again, you want guaranteed female interaction? Why not check out a small group activity night? I've been to many, and no one ever brings their Bible or talks about God. They're engaged in whatever activity they're doing that night (bowling, mini golf, movie, board game night, etc.)

 

Playing the "I hate God" card is just an excuse for your own insecurities and fears. What have you got to lose by going JUST ONCE?

 

Another option is trying speed dating again.

 

You keep talking about wanting more opportunities to interact with females, but when you're given options for that, you find excuses not to do it.

 

And for the love of pete, it's time to take a breather from your friendship with that lady. It's clearly not healthy for you, or her. Just leave her be. Because if you don't, it's going to get worse before it gets better, trust me. (But you won't, will you, and we'll all see the results we all saw coming now later in the future when you report the "bad news" [read: "friendship implosion"] on page 76 of this thread)

[somedude81]

Yeah, why doesn't this surprise anyone here. You're starting to wear thin on her. Your desperation for crumbs from her leads me to believe this "friendship" won't last much longer. You're treating her like a GF when she isn't -- that is the problem. Bigger problem is she doesn't want you acting as her BF, but rather, just as her platonic friend.

And that probably is the case.

 

It's getting harder for me to not see her as my GF. I just like her so much, and we've known each other for so long. It just feels natural now. But we're obviously not a couple.

 

 

And yet again she reaffirmed that she's not interested in dating, even though she does like guys.

 

Damn this girl is complicated.

 

Sucks that I'm not "good enough" to get her to change her mind. If only I could think of a way to convince her.

[UpDownAllAround]

And that probably is the case.

 

It's getting harder for me to not see her as my GF. I just like her so much, and we've known each other for so long. It just feels natural now. But we're obviously not a couple.

 

 

And yet again she reaffirmed that she's not interested in dating, even though she does like guys.

 

Damn this girl is complicated.

 

Sucks that I'm not "good enough" to get her to change her mind. If only I could think of a way to convince her.

 

It does suck dude. I can totally relate because I was in a similar situation - I loved her she didn't love me. But there's one big difference between you and I - I moved on. Although it took me a long time, I eventually did. Having friends and being focused on your own life - dreams, goals, ambitions and accomplishments you're working towards - even when they don't involve friends - can cause that to happen.

 

While I don't have much experience with women, if there's one thing I've learned from these boards is the saying: "She's not interested in a relationship? She's not interested in a relationship with you." They're always interested in a relationship - just with a guy they actually ARE interested IN.

 

The problem is that many women (not all, but many) tend to drop off the last part. And the guy wonders why they're going out with someone else when they told them "they aren't interested in a relationship." They just didn't have the heart to tell the guy that they weren't interested in a relationship WITH THEM. But, if a guy gets mean enough and won't back off even after they've told him they're not interested (don't know about this from experience, though I've seen it happen to other guys) they'll cut contact permanently or lash out angrily depending on the personality type.

[Teknoe]

It's getting harder for me to not see her as my GF. I just like her so much, and we've known each other for so long. It just feels natural now. But we're obviously not a couple.

 

 

I know that feeling ALL TOO WELL. But the thing you have to remind yourself is, until you are her boyfriend, you can't be acting like that. The more you do, the more she will pull away. Girls like to feel safe. Now she's going to be more weirded out around you because you made some creepy cleavage comment. (it's only creepy because she doesn't want you thinking of her in a sexual way). I'm also willing to bet the thing you did at the counselor's office was just another strike against you because of everything you've done to her in the PAST. Coz honestly, viewing that counseloring comment on ITS OWN -- it's not too bad. But when you put it in context of everything you've done, it's easy to see why she got mad.

 

She's walking on eggshells around you, and that is not healthy for you or for her.

 

 

And yet again she reaffirmed that she's not interested in dating, even though she does like guys.

 

That's her polite way of indirectly telling you to back off and to chill out. Trust me, my last rejection verbally said this 2, 3 times and I still ignored it. It blew up in my face.

 

As a friend told me, "she isn't ready to date" is not being specific. Being specific is "She's not ready to date YOU[b/]." She just leaves out the you part to avoid a confrontation/mess, and she's hoping you'll get her hints and back off naturally, take your foot off the gas pedal so the friendship can (hopefully) float back into a safe enough position where she'd want to hang out with you again in the future.

 

The more you continue to push/persue/act as her BF is going to drive her further away. I been there. Trust me on this one.

 

 

Damn this girl is complicated.

 

Life is complicated. Gotta learn to walk in wisdom. If a stove is red hot, are you going to place your finger on it? It's time to start making wise, healthy choices. No more self-sabotaging yourself, please.

 

 

Sucks that I'm not "good enough" to get her to change her mind. If only I could think of a way to convince her.

 

I used to think this same way with my crushes.

 

Until I found peace by learning that just as much as they deserve better, so do I. There are many great ladies out there. But one is YOUR lady. Just because someone isn't, doesn't mean you're not good enough. Just means you two weren't the best compatible match. And there's nothing wrong with that.

 

At this point, trust me, nothing you do or say will change your friend's opinion about you from a romantic point of view. NOTHING.

 

Drop her out of the fantasy GF bubble, and march on, head held high.

 

There's another girl out there that is right for you, and you're right for her.

 

But before you can get with her, first there's some business you need to handle... some growing up to do left... some more maturing.

 

And I think deep down, you have a general idea of things you should focus/work on while you're waiting for the right lady to come along.

 

It goes back to that "jog before you can sprint" idea...

[Teknoe]

While I don't have much experience with women, if there's one thing I've learned from these boards is the saying: "She's not interested in a relationship? She's not interested in a relationship with you." They're always interested in a relationship - just with a guy they actually ARE interested IN.

 

The problem is that many women (not all, but many) tend to drop off the last part. And the guy wonders why they're going out with someone else when they told them "they aren't interested in a relationship." They just didn't have the heart to tell the guy that they weren't interested in a relationship WITH THEM.

 

 

LOL... WOW.

 

Brother, we wrote the same thing at the same time.

 

SD, I don't know UpDownAllAround. Yet we just posted the SAME thing to you, from our own life experiences. Please, trust us on this one.

 

"I'm not ready to date" is girl speak for "I'm not ready to date you now OR ever."

[UpDownAllAround]

LOL... WOW.

 

Brother, we wrote the same thing at the same time.

 

SD, I don't know UpDownAllAround. Yet we just posted the SAME thing to you, from our own life experiences. Please, trust us on this one.

 

"I'm not ready to date" is girl speak for "I'm not ready to date you now OR ever."

 

OMG...that is just freaky!!! Hey Teknoe. Nice to meet you sir!

[somedude81]

Since it's late I'm not going to write too much but there is one thing I want to say.

 

About the whole not being interested in a relationship, just means she doesn't want to be in a relationship with me, that doesn't explain why she's 22 and never dated, at all, period.

 

Little story, we were at a hat kiosk looked at various hats trying to decide an image for me, I asked her, "What do girls think is hot?"

 

"I don't know, I'm not interested in dating."

 

"That doesn't mean you're not into guys right, so what?"

 

"Well I guess Solid Snake"

 

----------------

Uh yeah, that would be the same thing as me giving Lara Croft as an example of female attractiveness, which is something I might have done, when I was 16...

 

She's really odd.

[Cracker Jack]

Lol. Snake. Hope it's not MGS4 Snake.

 

Nothing to say on that.

[Teknoe]

OMG...that is just freaky!!! Hey Teknoe. Nice to meet you sir!

 

Likewise. That WAS kinda freaky, lol. But it also shows you how valid that is for women... and how universal their language can be.

 

"I'm not interested in dating" = "I'm not interested in dating you"

 

 

About the whole not being interested in a relationship, just means she doesn't want to be in a relationship with me, that doesn't explain why she's 22 and never dated, at all, period.

 

Little story, we were at a hat kiosk looked at various hats trying to decide an image for me, I asked her, "What do girls think is hot?"

 

"I don't know, I'm not interested in dating."

 

1). She sounds like a semi-awkward to awkward lass who's yet to break out of her shell. Possibly some childhood or teenhood trauma none of us knows about. Who knows. The fact that her father lets you hang out with her 1 on 1 without even knowing basic facts about you (like how you're 30) tells me she comes from a home that isn't exactly "on top" of their homework, so to speak. Can't say for sure, but she's definitely a 22 year old puppy who is still figuring out how to open up her eyes to the world around her.

 

2). She keeps saying she's not interested in dating around you because she knows you like her (you told her before) and that's why she continually reinforces that, just in case you think she might have changed her mind (as we guys often do)

 

I really think the healthy thing to do here is to back off for a while. Clear your thoughts, because it's obvious you still have the hots for her.

 

But ask yourself this: what can you offer her that she should want to be your exclusive girlfriend? What makes you a good match for her?

 

You said earlier you're trying to fill the Girlfriend vase with any girl willing to do so -- it doesn't necessarily matter if it's this lady friend of yours. In other words, if another girl came into your life tomorrow and wanted to be your GF, you would jump on that.

 

That to me is not healthy and tells me you shouldn't be dating this 22 year old girl, because the only reason you think you like her is because she is somewhat responsive to you. But there's more to a relationship than someone responding back to you half the time.

 

You like the idea of liking her (or any girl) more than you ACTUALLY DO like her for who she is.

 

Desperation reeks, and it kills.

Take a break from her, and go rediscover (your) life with other pursuits that are not about getting a girlfriend. You're putting way too much pressure on yourself and you're always going to be doomed to fail, until you reach a certain point where your attitude has made a genuine shift.

Best of luck.

[somedude81]

She sounds like a semi-awkward to awkward lass who's yet to break out of her shell. Possibly some childhood or teenhood trauma none of us knows about. Who knows.

I don't have a clue or maybe she's just a late bloomer. Either way it doesn't matter as I can't do anything about it.

 

I really think the healthy thing to do here is to back off for a while. Clear your thoughts, because it's obvious you still have the hots for her.

Uh yeah, of course I still have the hots for her. If anything they've grown in the past few months. I'm probably in love with her, which just fu*ks me over.

 

But ask yourself this: what can you offer her that she should want to be your exclusive girlfriend? What makes you a good match for her?

If she does decide to date, I can't think of a guy better suited for her than myself. And no, I'm not going to bother listing the reasons why because in the end they don't even matter since she simply doesn't want to date at all.

 

None of it matters anymore. Right after I woke up I deleted her number and all of our text conversations from my phone. After yesterday I realized that with her, it's either my girlfriend or nothing. I can't accept her just as a friend and that's all she wants. It's becoming way too hard for me.

 

Once again, I lose.

 

BTW anybody who feels the need to tell me that I did the right thing or that I should have done it a long time ago, keep it to yourself.

 

I knew I was an idiot for continuing to try. It's part of the reason for my self hatred. Just a fool in love.

Edited November 9, 2011 by somedude81