Bf's trip and lack of contact are starting to get to me

[OliveOyl]

 

Compassion has its place. But sooner (rather than later) we must look past it. We must look towards a future where moments that induce compassion become extremely rare, far less frequent than what has become the norm here.

Huh?!? I'm not sure what you mean. Compassion something I continuously strive for, and is not to be confused with enabling. Being compassionate has nothing to do with agreeing with someone or saying what they want to hear.

[Citizen Erased]

He texted me this:

 

"I waited for you for 1 hour on Skype yesterday. I thought you wanted to talk...?"

 

Me: "I changed my mind, I am good. BTW I will give Y your keys. I will also get my stuff and return yours while you are away."

 

Him: "That's it? Don't you want more explanation? Aren't you upset?"

 

Me: "Nope. Losing someone like you is a blessing."

 

Him: "Don't you need closure?"

 

Me:"I beleive that closure somes from within and I have mine. Good luck with everything."

 

Him:"You are wishing me luck?"

 

....I stopped responding. What a f-ing jerk.

I love it! He must be going crazy wondering why you're not all over him trying to get him back.

[A O]

Huh?!? I'm not sure what you mean. Compassion something I continuously strive for, and is not to be confused with enabling. Being compassionate has nothing to do with agreeing with someone or saying what they want to hear.

To have compassion is to feel or be aware of someone's pain. I'm suggesting that we find ways to limit the suffering of that person therefore reducing our need to be continually compassionate towards them.

 

This is not about enabling, this is about establishing a pathway to happiness and away from constant pain.

 

 

.

[Professor X]

I love it! He must be going crazy wondering why you're not all over him trying to get him back.

 

Doesn't sound like it; Sounds more like he knows ES is torn on the inside (strangely enough - cause she wanted to break up with him before he did so!) and he's a bit worried cause she's known to be unstable.

 

He did, after all, come with a new chick, so I highly doubt he's going crazy

[LexiB]

He texted me this:

 

"I waited for you for 1 hour on Skype yesterday. I thought you wanted to talk...?"

 

Me: "I changed my mind, I am good. BTW I will give Y your keys. I will also get my stuff and return yours while you are away."

 

Him: "That's it? Don't you want more explanation? Aren't you upset?"

 

Me: "Nope. Losing someone like you is a blessing."

 

Him: "Don't you need closure?"

 

Me:"I beleive that closure somes from within and I have mine. Good luck with everything."

 

Him:"You are wishing me luck?"

 

....I stopped responding. What a f-ing jerk.

 

 

That conversation couldn't have gone more perfectly! Now please, stay strong and resist any urges to contact him again orrr respond to any additional contact from him - even if it's to tell him to f*** off.

 

I've given you crap about a lot of the things you've done within this relationship (and certainly will again should you repeat the same behaviors in your next). However, his breakup text was OVER THE TOP BRUTAL and its maliciousness uncalled for. Let him stew in his own sh**fest. Continuing to talk to him now will do nothing but help him find peace with his actions and he doesn't deserve it. Definitely not with any assistance from you.

[LexiB]

Doesn't sound like it; Sounds more like he knows ES is torn on the inside (strangely enough - cause she wanted to break up with him before he did so!) and he's a bit worried cause she's known to be unstable.

 

He did, after all, come with a new chick, so I highly doubt he's going crazy

 

 

But he is crazy. After all the grand declarations of love he gave to ES - to the point where I and dozens of other posters wanted to slap her for doubting him - he instantly flips all of that onto a girl he randomly meets in a club on vacation, breaks up with ES and decides to bring Foreign Girl back to his home country? His emotions & mindset flipped that easily once, they'll flip again, if they haven't already.

[vsmini]

Woah. I just caught up on last few pages.

 

TBF doesn't control me. I never broke up with him when TBF suggested. In fact, the first time I broke up with him was before the first time TBF suggested I did. Plus, I took him back each time. Do you think TBF would suggest that?

 

I did my own thing, although I now wish I got rid of him a long time ago.

 

I have to admit, that every time I posted about a guy and about million posters signed up to tell me I am over-reacting and TBF posted that it's a flag - yes, it turned out to be a flag. She has been spot-on in pinpointing personality traits of the guys involved.

 

Then you know what ES? How about you and TBF go and have a little tea party to yourselves? The two of you can bask in the glory of denial about your part in this disaster of a relationship. TBF can assure you (like a real friend) that you weren't overreacting and that it's always on the 'other guy' you're with.

 

So from now on listen to TBF - follow her advice, like you have been doing.

 

BTW - how is that working out for you? You have a barrage of excuses why everything is at the fault of someone else. Every once in a while you'll sprinkle in an "I know I'm f*cked up and have issues" but you don't really do anything about it - you seem to think just recognizing it is enough but your spoiled selfish butt doesn't seem to think you actually have to DO anything about it. Like you're some kind of GD exception - wake up. I think your string of relationships is a reminder that what you're doing is not working out. What sucks is that you'll probably just look back on this relationship and learn nothing from it because he dumped you in a crappy way (yes, it was crappy) and just blame ALL of it on him. You're doomed to repeat the same mistakes.

 

Give me a break - you value what TBF has to say because it's the easy way out, a get out of jail free card, validation. No hard work is necessary to work on yourself when you listen to TBF.

[oaks]

For those asking about Skype conversation (sorry I missed your posts) - it never happened. I didn't log into Skype and I have no idea if he was online at the arranged time or not. I didn't contact him to cancel and he didn't text if he was online.

 

Smart girl!

[OpenBook]

He texted me this:

 

"I waited for you for 1 hour on Skype yesterday. I thought you wanted to talk...?"

 

Me: "I changed my mind, I am good. BTW I will give Y your keys. I will also get my stuff and return yours while you are away."

 

Him: "That's it? Don't you want more explanation? Aren't you upset?"

 

Me: "Nope. Losing someone like you is a blessing."

 

Him: "Don't you need closure?"

 

Me:"I beleive that closure somes from within and I have mine. Good luck with everything."

 

Him:"You are wishing me luck?"

 

....I stopped responding. What a f-ing jerk.

 

Well done, ES!! :bunny:

[oaks]

He texted me this:

 

This sounds like he wants/expects you to need closure that you can only get by letting him explain himself, which I think means that he's the one who needs closure by explaining himself! (If he pesters you to offer you an explanation or seems confused that you don't want one then remember that he doesn't know that you had decided to end things at roughly the same time anyway.)

 

Good move on the keys, btw.

[zengirl]

That text conversation makes me believe he is actually concerned for ES in his weirdo crazy way and feels guilty. I agree there's no reason to talk to him. But that really doesn't matter. Frankly, all of this is superfluous. She wanted to be out of this relationship, he wanted to be out of this relationship; in the end, it is a win-win. Also probably a lose-lose since they'll likely both go in unhealthy directions.

 

It bothers me when I see people reacting with what appears to be a complete lack of compassion, but I know my efforts to induce compassion will be about as effective as others' efforts to get ES to change.

 

I don't really see anyone who's reacted with a complete lack of compassion, which would be, by definition,

 

a feeling of deep sympathy and sorrow for another who is stricken by misfortune, accompanied by a strong desire to alleviate the suffering.

 

Some people think the way to alleviate the suffering is different than what you think, is all. To me, all mollycoddling someone like ES does is to allow her to ignore her own problems, enable the suffering and perpetuate it. Clearly others disagree, and that's fine. We'll never really see who is right. But I really feel I could not be more compassionate than what I am. What you are speaking of is perhaps sympathy --- particularly the kind of sympathy where you portray a feeling of agreement towards the person, which to me is always kind of like funhouse empathy. Sympathy in the wrong context is often enabling IMO.

[Citizen Erased]

Doesn't sound like it; Sounds more like he knows ES is torn on the inside (strangely enough - cause she wanted to break up with him before he did so!) and he's a bit worried cause she's known to be unstable.

 

He did, after all, come with a new chick, so I highly doubt he's going crazy

Emotionally regarding their relationship, no he's not going crazy. That wasn't my point. It's his ego that's made him all "but...don't you want CLOSURE" cos she's not reacting how he thought she would.

 

Just my opinion, she hit his ego. Someone that did what he did to her doesn't worry about how she's reacting or feeling.

[zengirl]

Emotionally regarding their relationship, no he's not going crazy. That wasn't my point. It's his ego that's made him all "but...don't you want CLOSURE" cos she's not reacting how he thought she would.

 

Just my opinion, she hit his ego. Someone that did what he did to her doesn't worry about how she's reacting or feeling.

 

I think that's a myth. I know lots of people who do ****ty things and still feel bad about them afterwards and concerned for the people involved. But we're prone to classify and re-write things to the degree where they're simple. (Which is not to say it makes the bad things any less bad.)

 

I do think she hit his ego, though.

[EasyHeart]

This guy strikes me as a drama addict.

 

He was looking forward to getting his fix from ES by talking about their breakup, seeing her at the airport, and probably other things he had planned. She has denied him his fix, so he is not happy.

[zengirl]

This guy strikes me as a drama addict.

 

He was looking forward to getting his fix from ES by talking about their breakup, seeing her at the airport, and probably other things he had planned. She has denied him his fix, so he is not happy.

 

Oh, that makes total sense!

 

I can totally see that, but I don't think it's conscious. Most drama addicts I know have no idea why they feel as they do.

 

I don't understand why people like drama. But I suppose it's as Huxley wrote, "Happiness is never grand."

[Chocolat]

He texted me this:

 

"I waited for you for 1 hour on Skype yesterday. I thought you wanted to talk...?"

 

Me: "I changed my mind, I am good. BTW I will give Y your keys. I will also get my stuff and return yours while you are away."

 

Him: "That's it? Don't you want more explanation? Aren't you upset?"

 

Me: "Nope. Losing someone like you is a blessing."

 

Him: "Don't you need closure?"

 

Me:"I beleive that closure somes from within and I have mine. Good luck with everything."

 

Him:"You are wishing me luck?"

 

....I stopped responding. What a f-ing jerk.

 

Well done, ES.

 

I am sorry this r/s did not work out for you.

 

I don't really see anyone who's reacted with a complete lack of compassion, which would be, by definition,

 

Not sure I agree. There are posters here who have been especially vitriolic in their opinions. One or two seem to find it necessary to go out of their way to say things that are rude and hurtful... things they would never consider helpful if they were on the receiving end. These are forum bullies, who not only insist their pov is correct, but denigrate anyone who dares have an opposing view. And no, this is not you ZG.

[Professor X]

I think that's a myth. I know lots of people who do ****ty things and still feel bad about them afterwards and concerned for the people involved. But we're prone to classify and re-write things to the degree where they're simple. (Which is not to say it makes the bad things any less bad.)

 

I do think she hit his ego, though.

 

Exactly. Couldn't of said it any better.

 

She hit his ego, true, but if he went crazy? I doubt.

[EasyHeart]

Oh, that makes total sense!

 

I can totally see that, but I don't think it's conscious. Most drama addicts I know have no idea why they feel as they do.

 

I don't understand why people like drama. But I suppose it's as Huxley wrote, "Happiness is never grand."

No, I don't think it's conscious either. Just the opposite, I think it's purely instinctive and probably mostly based on an inability to control their impulsiveness.

[askagirlout]

I need an objective opinion.

 

So he has been away for around 10 days or so. First 5-6 days, he was staying at a place with internet connection and he Skyped with me every day, for up to 3 hours.

 

He has since moved to another place with no internet connection but a good cell phone coverage. Since then, he has barely been in contact. I had to initiate probably around 90% of the texts. He responds quickly and at length but doesn't initiate much and hasn't called me once. It's weird - but when we Skyped, he was texting me more in between too. Now, it's like he has forgotten about me.

 

To make things worse, I am lying in bed sick with a flu and am getting penicillin injections for it (it's quite bad). Initially I didn't want to tell him so that he wouldn't feel guilt tripped into calling me. But today he said good morning and asked me what have I been up to (via text) and I told him that I am sick. I expected at least a phone call but all I got was: "Aw you poor thing. Wish I was there to hug you and kiss it all better". That was it. Not even a follow up text to see how I am during the day. Nothing.

 

I am feeling increasingly disconnected from him and pissed off I know it's not a money issue and I just feel like he should be making more of an effort for someone he claims to be "the love of his life".

 

I am not concerned that he is cheating (really) as one night stands are not something he ever did, even when he was single. He has an irrational fear of STDs (due to his dad being a doctor). It's just that the whole thing feels off....

 

I deleted his number so that I wouldn't initiate anymore texts. I know that I should probably be patient and that time will tell - but if things continue this way - I am not sure I will be able to go back to "normal" once he gets back.

 

What would you do?

 

just ask to your self why you bothering with this.... if you delete his number then its fine..it mean you dont want to contact him again

 

check ask a girl out tips

[Eternal Sunshine]

Yes, he deifinetly loved drama. In fact, after first 2 months, where everything was smooth and there were no arguments - he asked me for a break. From then on, the more we argued, the more drama there was, the deeper his feelings got (at least according to his words).

 

I actually thought that by giving him few weeks of peace pre-Euro trip and being extra nice, I was doing something positive. It had exactly the opposite effect.

 

It's funny how people do not know themselves at all. He told me at the start "Just be kind to me, that's the key to my heart". Being kind and sweet to him doesn't work at all.

[Chocolat]

 

It's funny how people do not know themselves at all. He told me at the start "Just be kind to me, that's the key to my heart". Being kind and sweet to him doesn't work at all.

 

This is a good observation. It sounds like your ex either did not understand his nature or tried to minimise it by asserting what he knows is the healthier reponse. As you point out, even though he may have known intellectually that kindness is what he should desire, the reality is that he was drawn to the intensity of drama.

 

FWIW, I think this is a common mistake for many people -- they think the intense highs and lows than come with a dramatic r/s indicate love. This blinds them to the fact that, at times, love can be pretty quiet!

[vsmini]

Yes, he deifinetly loved drama. In fact, after first 2 months, where everything was smooth and there were no arguments - he asked me for a break. From then on, the more we argued, the more drama there was, the deeper his feelings got (at least according to his words).

 

I actually thought that by giving him few weeks of peace pre-Euro trip and being extra nice, I was doing something positive. It had exactly the opposite effect.

 

It's funny how people do not know themselves at all. He told me at the start "Just be kind to me, that's the key to my heart". Being kind and sweet to him doesn't work at all.

 

The lack of self-awareness on your part....is painful.

few weeks of peace? you have to be kidding.

[rafallus]

I knew it will be "get out of relationship, guilt free, I'm an innocent victim, yadda, yadda" card to ES.

[torn_curtain]

He texted me this:

 

"I waited for you for 1 hour on Skype yesterday. I thought you wanted to talk...?"

 

Me: "I changed my mind, I am good. BTW I will give Y your keys. I will also get my stuff and return yours while you are away."

 

Him: "That's it? Don't you want more explanation? Aren't you upset?"

 

Me: "Nope. Losing someone like you is a blessing."

 

Him: "Don't you need closure?"

 

Me:"I beleive that closure somes from within and I have mine. Good luck with everything."

 

Him:"You are wishing me luck?"

 

....I stopped responding. What a f-ing jerk.

 

Oh man. This guy is a comedy.

[torn_curtain]

That text conversation makes me believe he is actually concerned for ES in his weirdo crazy way and feels guilty.

 

That's not at all what I get. Actually this conversation makes me more convinced that his break up text was deliberately cruel. Even though he was ending things he was still hoping to elicit some response from her--probably because he's insecure and needy as f#ck--and disappointed when he didn't get one.

 

Some people think the way to alleviate the suffering is different than what you think, is all. To me, all mollycoddling someone like ES does is to allow her to ignore her own problems, enable the suffering and perpetuate it. Clearly others disagree, and that's fine. We'll never really see who is right. But I really feel I could not be more compassionate than what I am.

 

You're again making this all about you and whether you were right or not. If you want to offer good advice then take your ego out of it.