dreamingoftigers Posted June 8, 2013 Share Posted June 8, 2013 Right, I wasn't being defensive, it was more like me asking myself "am I crazy"? I guess by societal norms I should over this whole thing, put it behind me and accepted it. Yet I haven't... not even close. I don't know if its because she betrayed me in such an epic way, or its just something I can't handle. And links and therapists and all that stuff are great, but don't seem to do much. I'm really concerned, and historically I'm the type who gets over things quickly and moves forward. It's scary. Honestly, there's a certain section that helped me immensely when I was completely alone after my family been split apart. I was secretly hoping that you'd get there and recognize it because your history of course pushes that one historical trigger to fire over and over. Especially because you still have to have contact with ASS and her husband. And it's caused complications with fathering your son. If it didn't help, then, well, it just didn't I guess. Hopefully there's something useful in there. But keeping going like this is and has been wearing you down for a long time. That can't be good. And it may have a long-term impact on your health. The reason for the link was only the statistical information about, I'll call it "happiness normalization." I didn't think that looking at the bananas would be particularly groundbreaking. Plus, it's a TED talk, cut me some slack. They're neat but sometimes disjointed. Link to post Share on other sites
dreamingoftigers Posted June 8, 2013 Share Posted June 8, 2013 Honestly, there's a certain section that helped me immensely when I was completely alone after my family been split apart. I was secretly hoping that you'd get there and recognize it because your history of course pushes that one historical trigger to fire over and over. Especially because you still have to have contact with ASS and her husband. And it's caused complications with fathering your son. If it didn't help, then, well, it just didn't I guess. Hopefully there's something useful in there. But keeping going like this is and has been wearing you down for a long time. That can't be good. And it may have a long-term impact on your health. The reason for the link was only the statistical information about, I'll call it "happiness normalization." I didn't think that looking at the bananas would be particularly groundbreaking. Plus, it's a TED talk, cut me some slack. They're neat but sometimes disjointed. If I seem a little off, it's 6 am here, I've been up all night. ... They need a "sleepy" face. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author marqueemoon4 Posted June 8, 2013 Author Share Posted June 8, 2013 I just got a txt from her saying: "We had had to cancel her (daughter) birthday party, she is very sick. You can keep xxx longer today or overnight if you want" I replied: "I'm sorry to hear that, I hope she feels better. Thanks for that option, we'll play it by ear" her: "thank you. I'll still drop him off to you at 10" me: sounds good I guess I handled that correctly? Maybe too nice? ps- DoT get some sleep! Link to post Share on other sites
dreamingoftigers Posted June 8, 2013 Share Posted June 8, 2013 I just got a txt from her saying: "We had had to cancel her (daughter) birthday party, she is very sick. You can keep xxx longer today or overnight if you want" I replied: "I'm sorry to hear that, I hope she feels better. Thanks for that option, we'll play it by ear" her: "thank you. I'll still drop him off to you at 10" me: sounds good I guess I handled that correctly? Maybe too nice? ps- DoT get some sleep! I think it was fine. Yes, I mean what else could you do? Even if you were blistering in impotent rage, were you not going to hope that her kid felt better? Of course not. It's just some courtesy because it's a little kid that happens to be your son's sister. (Oh. I would so resent the Hell out of it. Don't get me wrong.) I would have to literally pretend that she's the nanny looking after my son because his mother got smucked by a semi. I don't know, I'd really have to sell myself a backstory or something to not clench my fists every time I saw her after the court BS. But I've swallowed my share of words too. Ugh, I feel like someone....Jeez.... I don't even know.....four hours of sleep starting at 6 a.m. ish .....I feel gross.....OH.....todreaminblue must be tired!......that's why she posts like this! Link to post Share on other sites
Author marqueemoon4 Posted June 8, 2013 Author Share Posted June 8, 2013 Yeah, from my perspective (and anyone with any common sense) this child of theirs only exists because her parents are irresponsible fools. That said, it's not her fault, and I empathize with her because in a few years she's be shuttled back and forth just like my son. It's sad really. Sanity check- its not a good idea to have a child with someone you've known less than 2yrs, aren't married to, and when your divorce isn't even completed? Just making sure I'm not being ridiculous. Link to post Share on other sites
Author marqueemoon4 Posted June 8, 2013 Author Share Posted June 8, 2013 This chick is psycho. Not going into details, but wow. Has the mentality and reasoning skills of a 16yr old. Link to post Share on other sites
dreamingoftigers Posted June 9, 2013 Share Posted June 9, 2013 Yeah, from my perspective (and anyone with any common sense) this child of theirs only exists because her parents are irresponsible fools. That said, it's not her fault, and I empathize with her because in a few years she's be shuttled back and forth just like my son. It's sad really. Sanity check- its not a good idea to have a child with someone you've known less than 2yrs, aren't married to, and when your divorce isn't even completed? Just making sure I'm not being ridiculous. Enh, I don't think that it's necessarily a great idea. Not my preference. I just don't prefer to sound like a blanket judger about it. But I think that your prediction is likely. This chick is psycho. Not going into details, but wow. Has the mentality and reasoning skills of a 16yr old. PM me. And that's unfortunate. Link to post Share on other sites
Author marqueemoon4 Posted June 9, 2013 Author Share Posted June 9, 2013 It's nothing big.. I pm'd you. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted June 9, 2013 Share Posted June 9, 2013 I just got a txt from her saying: "We had had to cancel her (daughter) birthday party, she is very sick. You can keep xxx longer today or overnight if you want" I replied: "I'm sorry to hear that, I hope she feels better. Thanks for that option, we'll play it by ear" her: "thank you. I'll still drop him off to you at 10" me: sounds good I guess I handled that correctly? Maybe too nice? ps- DoT get some sleep! You handled it well. This is called 'good co parenting' and respecting her as the mother of your children. You two are NOT friends, not buddies. Anything to do with your kids is the reason why you're still talking to her. No need to get personal or anything else. You're a good dad. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author marqueemoon4 Posted June 9, 2013 Author Share Posted June 9, 2013 You handled it well. This is called 'good co parenting' and respecting her as the mother of your children. You two are NOT friends, not buddies. Anything to do with your kids is the reason why you're still talking to her. No need to get personal or anything else. You're a good dad. Thanks for the compliment. FYI the child who is/was sick isn't mine.. she is from the guy she moved herself and my son in with less than a year before we were even divorced. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author marqueemoon4 Posted June 9, 2013 Author Share Posted June 9, 2013 I found this.. seems helpful Relationship Tips For How To Win With Impossible People: 1 The first of your relationship tips is about recognition: recognize when you are in conflict with an impossible person. The signs are feelings of tension, powerlessness, resentment, dependency without any encouraging sign that you are getting through to this person. Relationship Tips For How To Win With Impossible People: 2 After you realize your situation, relax, calm down, and stop pushing. It is possible that a gentler, non-aggressive approach may work. If not, the second of your relationship tips for winning with impossible people is about acceptance: accept that you are not going to eliminate this person's resistance. Relationship Tips For How To Win With Impossible People: 3 Impossible people offer you an opportunity master your encounters with them. This does not mean learning how to change, control or manipulate them. It means not wasting your time and energy in a futile power-struggle. So the third of your relationship tips for winning with impossible people is about trusting and letting go: trust that you do not need their cooperation to win and let go of any further effort to change or control them. Relationship Tips For How To Win With Impossible People: 4 Letting go of dependency liberates your power to achieve what you want. When you calm down and consider your options for achieving the outcome you want without struggling with this person, you will find a way. Often, the "impossible person" decides to help after we give up our attachment to making that happen. The fourth and final of your relationship tips for winning with impossible people is: keep your mind open to finding a way to meet your need without that person's assistance. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
dreamingoftigers Posted June 9, 2013 Share Posted June 9, 2013 I found this.. seems helpful Relationship Tips For How To Win With Impossible People: 1 The first of your relationship tips is about recognition: recognize when you are in conflict with an impossible person. The signs are feelings of tension, powerlessness, resentment, dependency without any encouraging sign that you are getting through to this person. Relationship Tips For How To Win With Impossible People: 2 After you realize your situation, relax, calm down, and stop pushing. It is possible that a gentler, non-aggressive approach may work. If not, the second of your relationship tips for winning with impossible people is about acceptance: accept that you are not going to eliminate this person's resistance. Relationship Tips For How To Win With Impossible People: 3 Impossible people offer you an opportunity master your encounters with them. This does not mean learning how to change, control or manipulate them. It means not wasting your time and energy in a futile power-struggle. So the third of your relationship tips for winning with impossible people is about trusting and letting go: trust that you do not need their cooperation to win and let go of any further effort to change or control them. Relationship Tips For How To Win With Impossible People: 4 Letting go of dependency liberates your power to achieve what you want. When you calm down and consider your options for achieving the outcome you want without struggling with this person, you will find a way. Often, the "impossible person" decides to help after we give up our attachment to making that happen. The fourth and final of your relationship tips for winning with impossible people is: keep your mind open to finding a way to meet your need without that person's assistance. My husband in the bolded. Of course by then it was really hard not to say "well eff you then." Link to post Share on other sites
debtman Posted June 10, 2013 Share Posted June 10, 2013 mm4, Those relationship tips are perfect. The key to my moving on and being able to deal with my ex was "letting go." I realized that I could be friendly without being "friends." Anytime I would get frustrated, angry, sad, about how she treated me, I would remind myself that it was HER shortcoming as a person that she could act that way to someone else...much less someone she had made promises and commitments to and had kids with! Once I reminded myself of that, I let it go, realized it wasn't me, and, that also helped me let go of my feelings toward her once I saw, over and over, how her issues impacted everyone around her. I'm so glad to not have to deal with her anymore other than issues where the kids are concerned. You handled the text perfectly. Don't let her get to you, that's what she wants, is to know that she still has a hold on you. But, deal with her in a civil manner, that's what is needed to keep things as good as possible where the kids are concerned. Good luck and keep posting...blue skies... 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Yasuandio Posted June 10, 2013 Share Posted June 10, 2013 My husband in the bolded. Of course by then it was really hard not to say "well eff you then." How this seems to happen very often! I feel same exact way. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author marqueemoon4 Posted June 10, 2013 Author Share Posted June 10, 2013 (edited) The whole I only care when you no longer seem to care thing seems incredibly juvenile to me. Seriously? And debtman I am striving to make my communication with my ex as positive and non confrontational as I can.. though I have to admit acting like I'm ok with what she has done and is doing honestly makes me sick to my stomach. But like you said, I know I'm the bigger person and I can build on that. I realize my ex is the type of woman who no matter how much you care for her or give to her she'll always just take and never reciprocate (grew up poor, basically an only child and got 0 parenting AND had an abusive father, what a lethal combination). That's why things got so nasty between us because at some point I realized THERE IS NO WINNING WITH THIS PERSON and I had already invested so much time, emotion and money on her and it was a HORRIBLE investment. Then I basically just snapped. And she made it out like I fly off the handle at the drop of a hat and for no reason. This took YEARS to build up. She lacks self awareness and perspective, because most NORMAL adults would know exactly why I was finally fed up. Edited June 10, 2013 by marqueemoon4 Link to post Share on other sites
Author marqueemoon4 Posted June 10, 2013 Author Share Posted June 10, 2013 (edited) I just picked up my son, since I was a well behaved boy and because her daughter is sick I was able to have him for the evening. I pick him up and he's wearing some t shirt that says Welcome to Las Vegas and some military base on it. I loathe Las Vegas, pretty much everything about it. I respect the military but try to distance myself from that stuff as much as humanly possible. Annoyed Now she sent me a txt saying "we had to cancel our beach trip sadly. So you can have him this weekend since it would've been yours" So I'm civil and nice and now she thinks I care that she and biggest d bag in the dc metro area have to cancel their beach trip? Have I entered the twilight zone? Edited June 10, 2013 by marqueemoon4 Link to post Share on other sites
Author marqueemoon4 Posted June 16, 2013 Author Share Posted June 16, 2013 ExW couldn't even be civil enough to wish our son and I a happy Father's Day. What a POS. And yes, I wished her a happy Mother's Day, since I was raised correctly. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author marqueemoon4 Posted June 16, 2013 Author Share Posted June 16, 2013 Annnnnd I just got to drop off my son off to this person at a restaurant we went to countless times over the years and got to see this dbags new black Mercedes with his ever so douchey SIN CITY vanity plates. Oh, what I am feeling right now. Link to post Share on other sites
worldgonewrong Posted June 17, 2013 Share Posted June 17, 2013 Keep calm. Remember, they're ALWAYS going to be dbags. You're not going to change that. You can only change how you keep reacting (externally/internally) to something that is immovable/unchangeable. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
dreamingoftigers Posted June 25, 2013 Share Posted June 25, 2013 Keep calm. Remember, they're ALWAYS going to be dbags. You're not going to change that. You can only change how you keep reacting (externally/internally) to something that is immovable/unchangeable. Life is (sadly) too effing short to react to bullsh*t. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
debtman Posted June 25, 2013 Share Posted June 25, 2013 MM4, don't get too annoyed at OM. He did you a HUGE favor. Now she is HIS problem and it's only a matter of time before he figures out what he got himself into and she decides there MUST be something better out there and does the same thing to him that she did to you. ...and she'll KEEP doing that, because she has problems that she's not willing to face, admit or change. My ex is the same way. She's always telling me how she's changed, how much she's grown and learned about relationships, but, I see her doing the exact same thing with her new bf that she's done with the last 4. She can't break the cycle until she works on herself. Unlike her, I took about a year after the separation to work on myself, pick myself up from the lowest point of my life, and take a serious look at what it takes for ME to be happy. Never been in a better place in my life...and it just trickles down to everything else in life, my relationship with my kids, with my new gf, with my friends and family... Hang in there, keep being the bigger person, find healthy ways to get rid of the anger and frustration and keep your priorities straight (you and your son). Good luck and keep posting... Blue skies... 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author marqueemoon4 Posted June 25, 2013 Author Share Posted June 25, 2013 How can your exW not see how wise a man you are? Its her loss. Just like its my exW's loss. Thanks for the kind words! 2 Link to post Share on other sites
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