Okay... last thread about this ever I promise. But I'm ready for the cold/hard truth

[Tasha49]

Ruby Slippers, thanks! That is what I am looking for. Actual answers to my questions.

 

I just have some of my friends telling me to stop worrying about the title and that I am making too big of a deal out of it. They keep telling me not to worry and be patient. But really, if still being here a year and some odd months later isn't being patient... then I don't know what is. So I get half my friends telling me to get out of dodge, and half telling me I'm a label whore.

[mo mo]

 

It is one thing to say "Oh help me people, this guy isn't into me but he is so nice and I love him so what should I do?" Advice would be flawed because everyone would be automatically prone to say "Get out. He doesn't like you. End of advice." But knowing that he is in fact into me a lot, would give me much more accurate advice and answers.

 

I asked for the cold hard truth about my situation... not to attack me with accusations of who you think I am. Your response was of zero help.

 

I think you are missing the point. You don't need answers or explanations for his behavior. You are essentially trying to understand why he treats you the way he does, why he didn't mind cheating on you (yes, he cheated), etc. This all points to you not wanting to give up on him, because for some reason you think his behavior is justified.

 

If you are really going to leave, just do it and don't look back.

 

FYI I have been in relationships where everything was perfect and I got dumped for being "too good". I spent a really long time trying to understand that line of thought, and years later, even after hearing about how certain women think about that kind of situation, it STILL screws with my psychology. I will never fully understand why that happened to me. I couldn't let that hold me back though, I had to move on, and so I did.

 

My point is that you don't need to understand this situation. It is what it is and you need to move on.

[Tasha49]

What difference does it mean to what degree he is into you or not? He isn't into you enough to give you whatever it is that would make you stop posting threads about him.

 

You're both in denial. I truly shudder if either of you think this is what love is.

 

If nothing else, accept the fact that he doesn't love you or care about you enough for you.

 

The difference is important in this thread mainly. Because advice will be more relevant to my situation knowing he is into me opposed to not being into me. I wanted to see what people thought about all of this and why he might be acting this way. That is why I am so defensive about his feelings for me. Hell, if I didn't feel he was into me much that would've make my decision a LOT easier a while ago and I would tell him to go play in the road. If people told me he wasn't into me at all and I actually genuinely felt that he wasn't, I would be like, "Wow... you're right. I am so stupid," and would actually get something out of the advice.

 

I would have walked long ago if he didn't show any other reason for wanting me around other than sex and a good time. It is more than that. It goes deeper, which is why I am so confused.

 

And thank you for your response; you are right, most importantly. I already know he isn't into me enough to commit. But that does not mean he doesn't really care for me is my point. He may have some pretty bad commitment phobia now thanks to his ex. Who knows. Could be a million things.

[Ruby Slippers]

So I get half my friends telling me to get out of dodge, and half telling me I'm a label whore.

At this point, listen to your own voice, not those of your friends. They are not you, and they want different things in their lives. Some people might be OK with a private-only relationship (though not many, I'd guess). You are not one of them. And that's normal and fine.

[Tasha49]

I think you are missing the point. You don't need answers or explanations for his behavior. You are essentially trying to understand why he treats you the way he does, why he didn't mind cheating on you (yes, he cheated), etc. This all points to you not wanting to give up on him, because for some reason you think his behavior is justified.

 

If you are really going to leave, just do it and don't look back.

 

FYI I have been in relationships where everything was perfect and I got dumped for being "too good". I spent a really long time trying to understand that line of thought, and years later, even after hearing about how certain women think about that kind of situation, it STILL screws with my psychology. I will never fully understand why that happened to me. I couldn't let that hold me back though, I had to move on, and so I did.

 

My point is that you don't need to understand this situation. It is what it is and you need to move on.

 

I know, I know. And I am sorry if it seems like I am trying to find justification in his actions. But I am not. Him "cheating" on me is NOT acceptable in any way. The only reason I was able to even slightly look over it was because hey, we are both technically single. If he ever committed to me I'd be gone. Cheaters are scum. And what he did (3 times that I know of in the duration of a year) is scum. But it is at least SOMEwhat less serious. I forgave him because the last time he told me it made him feel disgusting and made him realize he loves and cares avout me for the first time to where he should not be doing that. I forgave him because since then he hasn't really been put in situations where I would believe he was doing that again.

 

I am looking for people to tell me I am not crazy about wondering wtf his problem is. I am leaving, I swear it... but I was just more curious as to why the hell people do this kind of thing. Now I know not to pursue anything with someone who says he isn't ready for something serious...

 

As for being too good, ouch. I didn't think that was possible either but my last ex left me for my friend because apparently I was too nice and never argued with him because I was never communicating. If I was upset or mad I would hide it behind a fake smile and he felt like i was just too nice and submissive. And he was right. Whenever something was bothering me I would tell him to never mind avout it and then I wouldn't tell him. Because I didn't like conflict. Of course him blaming me for his cheating didn't fool me. That was not my fault. He didn't communicate and tell me what I was doing and instead chose to leave me for my friend instead of trying to deal with it together. Scum.

[Tasha49]

At this point, listen to your own voice, not those of your friends. They are not you, and they want different things in their lives. Some people might be OK with a private-only relationship (though not many, I'd guess). You are not one of them. And that's normal and fine.

 

I am finally accepting that I am a lunatic if I remain in this in hopes of him MAYBE changing his mind, only because I love him. And just because I love him doesn't make the situation okay and I see that now. I kept telling myself to give it a few more weeks. Before long it was a year later.

 

It is just such a drag that I idiotically kept convincing myself he would change his mind. At times it felt so close to being that day. Thigs would be so perfect I could've sworn he was going to decide he wanted to be with me. Which is why I am still here. But, not for long.

[Hot Chick]

I was just wondering if there was a significant age difference?

You are not age 49 and he is in his 20's or 30's, right? I was just wondering because of your screen name. If there isn't (a significant age difference), forget I asked. If there is....well, he's not ever going to propose and marry you.

 

He might very well love you, but he thinks there is someone out there who he could love more. You say you're not sticking around until he meets someone else...well you can't predict that. He might meet her in the dairy aisle at the grocery store tomorrow. You can't prevent that.

 

If he was going to propose and saw you as his future wife, he would have paid himself for the plane ticket for the trip. You say he has bought you photography equipment, nice dinners, etc. $350 for a plane ticket would be something he would have wanted to fork over himself and would not have let you pay for if he saw you as "the one." You say he was "so excited" for you to go with you on this trip. BUT he didn't want you to go enough to pay your way. Believe me, he'd do that for the woman of his dreams.

 

It is not too late to not go - you're not stuck into it. A lot of times you can get a refund or use the ticket toward another trip. If not, then, oh well, you're out $350 for the plane ticket. In a year from now, when you're with the man of your dreams who is proud to be with you and is committed to you, will it really matter? Just don't go.

 

Look at the big picture. You are preventing yourself from being with the man of your dreams and from knowing true love.

Edited July 19, 2011 by Hot Chick

[Ruby Slippers]

I am finally accepting that I am a lunatic if I remain in this in hopes of him MAYBE changing his mind, only because I love him. And just because I love him doesn't make the situation okay and I see that now. I kept telling myself to give it a few more weeks. Before long it was a year later.

 

It is just such a drag that I idiotically kept convincing myself he would change his mind. At times it felt so close to being that day. Thigs would be so perfect I could've sworn he was going to decide he wanted to be with me. Which is why I am still here. But, not for long.

Tasha, don't be too hard on yourself. Many people have done some stupid things for love. I definitely have! It's not a bad thing to believe in the good in someone and hope for that to shine brighter. But you're right -- at a certain point, you have to figure out that some seeds are never going to grow into trees, and move to more fertile soil.

[Tasha49]

I was just wondering if there was a significant age difference?

You are not age 49 and he is in his 20's or 30's, right? I was just wondering because of your screen name. If there isn't (a significant age difference), forget I asked. If there is....well, he's not ever going to propose and marry you.

 

He might very well love you, but he thinks there is someone out there who he could love more. You say you're not sticking around until he meets someone else...well you can't predict that. He might meet her in the dairy aisle at the grocery store tomorrow. You can't prevent that.

 

If he was going to propose and saw you as his future wife, he would have paid himself for the plane ticket for the trip. You say he has bought you photography equipment, nice dinners, etc. $350 for a plane ticket would be something he would have wanted to fork over himself and would not have let you pay for if he saw you as "the one." You say he was "so excited" for you to go with you on this trip. BUT he didn't want you to go enough to pay your way. Believe me, he'd do that for the woman of his dreams.

 

It is not too late to not go - you're not stuck into it. A lot of times you can get a refund or use the ticket toward another trip. If not, then, oh well, you're out $350 for the plane ticket. In a year from now, when you're with the man of your dreams who is proud to be with you and is committed to you, will it really matter? Just don't go.

 

Look at the big picture. You are preventing yourself from being with the man of your dreams and from knowing true love.

 

I am not even close to 49 haha it was just a random number. I am 21. And we are nowhere near close to engagement or marrying.

 

Him paying for my ticket would have been really great. Even though I would never have let him. He is a college student and is not made of money. His rent is 400 alone. He makes about 1200 a month. So 350 would be out of the question even for his "dream girl." I get what you're saying though. It would make sense if he actually had the money. He took forever just to pay for his own ticket since he sucks at saving money.

 

Anyway, like I have said I AM moving on, after this trip.I am a housekeeper, no way I am letting my 350 bucks go out the window. Besides, I could use a good tan in California

[Tasha49]

Tasha, don't be too hard on yourself. Many people have done some stupid things for love. I definitely have! It's not a bad thing to believe in the good in someone and hope for that to shine brighter. But you're right -- at a certain point, you have to figure out that some seeds are never going to grow into trees, and move to more fertile soil.

 

Well said And appreciated!! It's just that in a year from now when I am happy I am gonna look back and wonder why I was so silly. Love makes us do crazy things, though. And put up with way too much.

 

I guess I am just disappointed because he always tells me he wants to be with me but to give it some time. Boooooo on him!

[veggirl]

He made sure that you guys were "technically" single so that he could go out and do what he wanted, when he wanted if the situation arrised, which it did. He would do that again if another girl struck his fancy. It's the classic "but I'm not your boyfriend" dealio. I hope you stick by your decision to leave him when you return (not that you should actually be going...), and that you fully go NC. What are you going to do if he begs you not to leave him?

[veggirl]

and I agree with Ruby Slippers, don't be too hard on yourself, many women have been where you are (and lived to tell about it and then urge others not to make their mistakes!!) I don't doubt he has some feelings for you, but...you really, really need to go NC.

[Tasha49]

Veggirl-

 

I agree with pretty much all you said. Thank you for sounding like a clear-headed person and giving your input!

 

About the cheating. I basically see it as such. I mean in all seriousness... I gave him my body and he the same for me. He made it seem like if I were to even flirt he would view it as cheating. If a guy hit on me he would get mad. Sometimes he tells me, "You better not cheat on me," in a joking kind of manner but really I can tell he secretly means it. I feel like since we shared so much that messing with someone else is cheating. And that is really low of him. So I do not excuse it.

 

I just need to move on. And I certainly will. But this Cali trip is (really stupid, I know) my last attempt to see if it changes his outlook. When we are together it goes so perfectly I swear it would be the best relationship. So this is kinda my last resort. I might as well go now since I paid two months ago. I 99% doubt this will sway him but hey, it's California. At least I'll get SOMEthing out of it!

[Trimmer]

It's not ME. he doesn't want a relationship with ANYone. Trust me if he wanted one it would be with me, because we are PERFECT together.

OK, so it's not about you, but it still ends up the same way for you. He still doesn't want to be in a long-term committed relationship with you.

 

Also... how do I go about ending this in a way that could make him think? I don't want to just say, "Bye I give up." i feel like that would be bad closure and that I should say more. Or should I not say much at all?

It sounds like you have decided to end it, so I won't pile on any advice that you should. However, when you do decide to do it, you shouldn't make it about orchestrating some scenario to "make him think" or anything like that. Don't make your departure about trying to affect him. Make your departure about you and your needs, and the start of a new chapter in your life.

 

If you make it about affecting him, then you are just asking for "no closure" because you have NO CONTROL over how it will affect him, and that really shouldn't matter to you anyway when you are leaving.

 

If you make it about the new chapter in your life, you won't need "closure", because your entire attitude and approach will be about moving into the future and building your life, which is completely under your control.

 

And in a way, he's already given you the "closure" you need, right? Hasn't he communicated clearly, with words and actions, what his approach to your "relationship" is now, and will continue to be if you stay with him? You may not like what it is, but you have to admit, you've got a pretty clear view of it, and it sounds like he's been pretty consistent about it.

 

I am finally accepting that I am a lunatic if I remain in this in hopes of him MAYBE changing his mind...

Yes indeed. If you were to decide to stay, I would tell you to be absolutely sure that you accept the way he is and NOT hold any hope that he will change. Because if you stay, even hoping just a little that he'll change with time and love, you are just locking yourself into a jail sentence .

 

P.S. Incidentally, I do acknowledge and accept that when you are together and things are clicking, you have a real bond, love, and "relationship", such as it is. I was kinda this way when I was about your age, and living with my girlfriend. I was very happy, and committed (on a day-to-day basis) faithful, dedicated, respectful, etc. I just didn't want to commit my life to her long term. And like your guy, it wasn't a rejection of her, specifically - if there was anyone I would have committed my life to at that point, it would have been her - it was that I didn't see being attached to anyone for the rest of my life. Eventually we had the 'come to Jesus' talk, laid it all out, made some decisions, and moved forward with our lives, but I do recall feeling that love, with full commitment and dedication, but without a desire to make it a "forever" or even a long-term thing. At that young age, it was all good just living day to day...

[Tasha49]

Well, Trimmer you would be correct. I guess I should not end it in a way to make him think. I know that if I try doing so, I will only be fooling myself and my hopes will have been let down, for the hundredth time in this situation. I suppose the less I hope for the less vulnerable I will be. And that is the hard part to admit and come to terms with. It's like knowing you shouldn't do something but you do it anyway because you're in denial. But really there is a piece of you in the back of your mind that knows what is truthfully right.

 

That is why I hang my head. From about the half-way mark, part of me knew no good change would actually come into play. My gut feeling was right, but I was so in love at that point that I refused to accept reality for what it was. Because of the fact that I love him, I always let it lead me. Trying to convince myself all this work HAS to work eventually. But the fact that I am in the same position from the start of realization (well, we've actually come further and grew a lot closer now than ever), I am not happy and have decided that I need to come first for once. I should be focusing on making myself content rather than sad and miserable. Letting go will make me wish I had never done so, but only at first since Losing him for good will set in. But in the longrun I do know that I can and will be happier.

 

Even if it means walking away from love.

[DuskCrush]

Tasha...there is nothing illogical about this situation. He doesnt love you and is therefore acting like a man who does not love you. He likes and cares for you a little. Regardless...nothing anyone says here will convince you. I dont think you'll break up with him. Im calling your bluff. Breakup with him now.

Since you wont listen to anyone here...

I suggest you get a guyfriend to go to one of his parties....or someone to talk to his friend and casually ask about you...or maybe just a girlfriend to hit on him in a party...Any kinda plan where his true feelings about you comes to the surface. Then maybe then ull be convinced.

[Tasha49]

Dusk there wasn't anyone to listen to. This thread wasn't about what I should do. I already know what I should do, and am going to. You think I am honestly going to sit here this unhappy for any longer than I need to? No, unless I am mentally insane. And no need to call my bluff.

 

That is a good idea though. But I wouldn't wanna send my friend to his party without me. That would be weird. And I would be paranoid anyway. I want to ask one of his roommates what he has said but I feel they'd rat me out. And to be honest I shouldn't involve myself in something when I need to "trick him."

[Mme. Chaucer]

Dusk there wasn't anyone to listen to. This thread wasn't about what I should do. I already know what I should do, and am going to. You think I am honestly going to sit here this unhappy for any longer than I need to? No, unless I am mentally insane. And no need to call my bluff.

 

 

 

 

Well;

 

My daughter is in a similar situation. It has been going on for FIVE YEARS. She's 23; he is 29, so this started when she was just 18. She loves him. She accepts the crumbs he throws her way. Actually, they are much more than crumbs. Like your guy, he does everything with her. He comes over for every holiday. He's brought her to his family. They've travelled together. He spent plenty of money on her. But, he is always clear that she is NOT his "girlfriend," she is NOT his "type," he does NOT "love" her, he will NEVER marry her or have children with her. And, he is getting close to the stage where he's thinking about that seriously - not in regards to her.

 

It is very heartbreaking to see her accepting this, and your story makes me feel the same way.

 

I hope you will really end it, but I will believe that when it's done. More likely, he will fall for somebody whom he feels like making that commitment with one of these days, and you'll be left reeling.

[Tasha49]

Well;

 

My daughter is in a similar situation. It has been going on for FIVE YEARS. She's 23; he is 29, so this started when she was just 18. She loves him. She accepts the crumbs he throws her way. Actually, they are much more than crumbs. Like your guy, he does everything with her. He comes over for every holiday. He's brought her to his family. They've travelled together. He spent plenty of money on her. But, he is always clear that she is NOT his "girlfriend," she is NOT his "type," he does NOT "love" her, he will NEVER marry her or have children with her. And, he is getting close to the stage where he's thinking about that seriously - not in regards to her.

 

It is very heartbreaking to see her accepting this, and your story makes me feel the same way.

 

I hope you will really end it, but I will believe that when it's done. More likely, he will fall for somebody whom he feels like making that commitment with one of these days, and you'll be left reeling.

 

Wow, that is terrible I am amazed she hasn't left though, after all that time. And even him actually telling her they will never be together. Which is really weird if he sticks around.

 

My guy has told me he WANTS to be with me, can even see a future together and says that he loves the time we share together. He has said many times he wants to be with me... just not right NOW. Which is somewhat understanding given his last relationship where the girl refused to let him have guys night, refused to let him go ANYwhere without him, and made him wear a ring on his ring finger just to give other girls the hint. They were not engaged or married though. He told me looking back he wishes he would have done things differently because now that he isn't chained down he is actually happy and has missed out on a lot of fun. Well, that is okay I guess, but for him. It is not acceptable to me. It was for a while only because I thought he would commit soon. But I was wrong and am pretty convinced of otherwise. He blames his issues on his ex yet I tell him all the time I do not put a leash on my boyfriends. I have never once told him not to go anywhere without me. I give him ALL the space he needs, so he is far too spoiled and we're not even together! Men need their guy time I know this. And I tell him all the time I would not object. But he "doesn't believe me." Well, in the end whose loss is that? His, because of assumptions.

 

I am really sorry you have to stand by and watch that. It sounds very much like my situation aside from the part where he made it obvious in words he won't commit. If my guy would admit that, if it is true... I would be out the door. Of course, maybe he is too afraid to say it but I cannot tell for sure.

 

No matter what anyone says I do know he loves me. He just isn't IN love with me. Otherwise he would have grabbed me up a long time ago. Guys hit on me all the time and he (of course) intervenes and tells them to back off because I'm his. Yeah, right...

 

I know what I have to do, and although it will absolutely kill me... I am one step closer to finding a guy who cares a lot more.

[Tasha49]

^Oops. Without HER, not him.

[Hot Chick]

Hi There,

How is this going? Did you go on your trip to CA? Or are you still on it?

Keep us updated, OK, Tasha?

Thanks.

[FitChick]

My guy has told me he WANTS to be with me, can even see a future together and says that he loves the time we share together. He has said many times he wants to be with me... just not right NOW.

 

That is your cue to say, "I respect your feelings but timing seems to be off for us. Sometimes you can meet the right person at the right time. I think we should each start dating other people and see how it goes."

[Penelope311]

I can only share my experience with being in love with a commitment Phoebe myself. It is not about what he wants anymore. It is about what I am willing to give. I love my guy so much but the bottom line in my situation is SEX! If I have sex with him I lose myself and want to be with him unconditionally. It does something to me and makes me needy. So, I have found the balance with him in that I love him dearly, but I have to protect MY heart and that means NO SEX. Unless I am in a committed relationship. Since I made this rule with him we have gotten along wonderfully. I hang out with him, love his kids and family, and enjoy all aspects of him except sex. I just can't go there with him. We do come close and I know a lot of his stuff is ego based and fear. In the past I tried to seduce him I went real kinky with him for a bit so he knows what I am capable of... But I was losing my self while engaging in it and decided to just stop having sex with him. It is all that simple really! If I see him flirting with other woman... I just leave! I don't like that he does it but I know it is just the way he is! I have accepted that part because I don't have sex with him. If it is meant to be it will be. I am letting him free but not losing my own self respect! It seems to be working so far!

[Tasha49]

Hi There,

How is this going? Did you go on your trip to CA? Or are you still on it?

Keep us updated, OK, Tasha?

Thanks.

 

Thanks for bringing this back to the first page! I couldn't find it for an update and didn't wanna start a new thread, again.

 

But where to start...

(this may be long, and I apologize)

 

Well, basically and surprisingly it went perfectly. He treated me like a princess and just like a gf around his family. When we were alone he was the same. Very attentive and sweet. Always trying to kiss me and hold me. Telling me I am beautiful and all that stuff. Everyone referred to me as his gf and though I could tell it took him back a bit using the term, he never corrected anyone or told them to stop using that term. Maybe he told his family I am his gf, or they rather assumed. Who knows.

 

Before the trip he was worried that with spending a whole week together nonstop, I would surely end up pissing him off at some point. He said we'll probably get into a fight or two based off of past experience so to watch out for it. Well... nothing of the sort happened. We had minor disagreements but I never pissed him off or made him angry with me. So that made me feel good.

 

Anyway, no matter how amazing the trip did go, I still plan to end it. Why? Because I doubt that he will carry this behavior into his life when he isn't around his family. I doubt he's going to call me his gf around his friends or even acknowledge me as other than a friend in front of them. I just don't see it happening. He got upset when I jokingly told him that I told his roommates we were on a vacation together. He got upset that I told them. I got defensive and asked why he felt the need to basically hide me. He said he wasn't, and that they probably assumed anyway. That wasn't the point. What is the harm in them knowing anyway? Big deal. I am tired of him treating me like a friend in front of them. Even our mutual friends who literally know every detail about our situation, and he knows they know about it. So it just really saddens the mood.

 

Here is where I may get some of you sipping on the haterade:

 

I noticed he was getting some texts from Mckenna. She is his favorite roommates ex gf. His roommate broke up with her a few months back and he told me he still wanted tl hang out with her. Which seems so odd to me. His roommate is one of his closest friends and so for him to hang out with her makes me raise an eyebrow. So... I checked his phone. Yes I know it is terrible but to my defense I never have before but I got that horrible gut feeling that something didn't feel right about it. There wasn't any flirting but it doesn't matter. I saw a picture of him with her and a friend of hers all drunk and smiley. They are attractive. But Mckenna has a pudgy belly and big thighs and arms though is not fat. Anyway, I saw that he called her chica like he calls me and it made me jealous. She said her and her friends miss him and in one text she said "<3 you." She told him she comes back from Colorado on September 6th and they need to party it up. He said he couldn't wait and that he was excited. Keep in mind that he never invites me to parties he goes to and never with any when she is there. They have not seen each other after his roommate broke up with her. But I fear he likes her. I asked him later when she comes back and he said he doesn't know. Maybe the end of August. So I don't know why he lied really. He wants to show her his new room in his house and she seemed excited. She told him she is moving to his town with her girl friends and that he should check it out. Just the whole situation is off. And she asked him how things with me were and he never answered.

 

I just posted a thread about it but I asked him last night if basically I could come to more parties and to his Halloween party he plans to throw and has been planning to do so for a while. He got really uncomfortable all of a sudden toward my gesture and said he may not even have it, he isn't sure. The only reason I can think of is because he plans to hook up. Why else would he not ever want me at parties with him? Wtf.

 

This whole situation is just no good. There is no reason not to commit other than him not being ready for it. And I can't be the girl that waits on him. Someone else can do it.

[Tasha49]

That is your cue to say, "I respect your feelings but timing seems to be off for us. Sometimes you can meet the right person at the right time. I think we should each start dating other people and see how it goes."

 

Good idea. Or I could just tell him there is a guy out there who feels the same way I do