rafallus Posted July 18, 2011 Share Posted July 18, 2011 (edited) He doesn't. In my experience -- and I say this as a woman with a history of being very loving and good to men -- they never appreciate it when you are consistently good to them. They might for a while, but they always take you for granted eventually. Start being a little more of a bitch. And just watch and marvel at how he starts falling over himself to please you. That speaks loud and clear you've been dealing with jerkoffs and not men. A man would appreciate good stuff from his woman. Try being a bitch to a good man, either he will realize you are a bitch and lose interest, or you'll scar him and turn him into jerkoff - hate breeds hate. A jerkoff OTOH will probably try to one-up you on mind games (like I did to one girl in the past), turning out nastier still. If a man commits to you, after you are a bitch to him, then he either: a)is a doormat, end you will end up abusing him b)is a jerkoff, and will see it as a challenge to return the favor. @OP Anyway, looks like you made a decision to move on. I'd say, good for you. Edited July 18, 2011 by rafallus Link to post Share on other sites
Art_Critic Posted July 18, 2011 Share Posted July 18, 2011 Well I was hoping a male mind could give some insight if perhaps they were ever in this guys shoes. But maybe I am on my own in terms of figuring out what the heck he's thinking. Do you really want to know what he is thinking or are you looking for someone to tell you what you want to hear... You're thread title says you want the hard truth..The hard truth is that he isn't into you, doesn't want a relationship and loves the sex and companionship too much to leave. Given enough time he may commit but it might take years.. are you willing to wait years for him to come around ? Link to post Share on other sites
vsmini Posted July 18, 2011 Share Posted July 18, 2011 Oh honey - I've been in your exact same situation and I stayed with the guy for a year and a half and really should have walked at the 6 month mark. Though my guy did start calling me his girlfriend and some hallmarks of a true relationship were there he denied being with me to some people and often downplayed what we had to others in order to maintain his "independence" Yea....BS. Cold hard truth? Cold - He could be stringing you along until something better comes along. He doesn't want to be without you (there are a lot of benefits to having someone to sleep with all the time) but he doesn't really like the idea of really being with yuo. Hard - Time to walk away. When a guy wants to be with you, and he's worth a damn, he'll treat you right and make his feelings known. It isn't about being obsessed with labels - more like he'll not be afraid of having them. Some men don't like obligations to women - that's fine...but they aren't the kind of men you should be with in order to have a mutually fulfilling relationship. Truth - He's not into you - at least not enough to make it worth your time. Stop clinging onto what he's like behind closed doors. That's only 1/2 of who he is....the other 1/2 doesn't seem that great. Go out and find a guy that's great 100% or at least better than 50%....those aren't great odds. Link to post Share on other sites
April72 Posted July 18, 2011 Share Posted July 18, 2011 He's just not that into you. I think if a guy is truly into a girl he wants to shout it from the mountain tops. And he's ready to step up and be an active part in the relationship. Why would he kick you to the curb, he's got it made. But you clearly are not happy or satisfied. And you have the power to change that. It may mean a heartbreak in leaving him... but if you find a man that loves you and is into you... the heartbreak will be a distant memory. Why do people string people along when they know deeep down they will never marry or have anything real with them... I don't know. I don't do that. But I have been strung along... and it stinks. Good luck. Link to post Share on other sites
Feelsgoodman Posted July 18, 2011 Share Posted July 18, 2011 The chase is not worth it? Any guy that wants to be with you will put in the effort. Totally disagree. As a guy, if I sensed that a girl was playing hard to get, I would not chase her even if I liked her a lot. On the contrary, I would start considering my other options. Playing hard to get is manipulative behaviour and most people don't like being manipulated. It's a myth that men enjoy the chase. Most don't. The ones who chase either don't have any options (in other words, they are desperate) or are in it for the "game" (pump 'n dump). Link to post Share on other sites
tigressA Posted July 18, 2011 Share Posted July 18, 2011 End it if you want to stop suffering. My last relationship was sort of like this. I was his secret. He didn't want to put a label on it. I met his closest friends but he introduced me as a friend and was very reluctant to be affectionate with me at all in front of them, or anyone else. His family knew nothing about me. He asked me to refrain from showing too much of a connection with him on FB, etc. He also emotionally and verbally abused me, which is the only marked difference from your scenario. I found out later he had been cheating on me the whole time with a 'friend'/former coworker of his. Being someone's secret does a number on your self-worth and esteem. It isn't worth the pain. Link to post Share on other sites
grkBoy Posted July 18, 2011 Share Posted July 18, 2011 he does love me... Are you sure about that? You sound like the women who get beaten up by abusive boyfriends, but they keep claiming "but he loves me!" He's not physically beating you up, but he's definitely in denial about dating you and is insecure about the idea of others knowing. This isn't love. It sounds more like you're convenient to him but he's keeping his options open so he can drop you in a moment for someone else and simply ignore you when you explode in emotions. I tell guys not to tolerate BS from a woman, and I say the same to you women. Like how some girls will use a guy as a "crying blanket" or "cuddle buddy", but won't ever fathom DATING the guy...you women also need to be strong and not let a guy make you into a FB or "secret girlfriend". You deserve better and more. Tell him what you want and that it's time to come clean or get out. Plenty of single men out there who will give you better. Link to post Share on other sites
Ruby Slippers Posted July 18, 2011 Share Posted July 18, 2011 I feel worthless at the end of the day and I am never happy anymore. This is really all you need to know. Just end it and don't look back. This isn't going to get any better. I would be humiliated in this situation. How can you settle for this? I'd rather be alone than be in a non-relationship like this. Link to post Share on other sites
mo mo Posted July 18, 2011 Share Posted July 18, 2011 I like how you are leaving out the fact that he blatantly disrespected and cheated on you here. I already told you what to do in the other thread you made here. http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showthread.php?t=286532&page=2 The decision is simple here. You don't really want to be one of those ultra weak women that ends up on Maury do you? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Tasha49 Posted July 18, 2011 Author Share Posted July 18, 2011 Do you really want to know what he is thinking or are you looking for someone to tell you what you want to hear... You're thread title says you want the hard truth..The hard truth is that he isn't into you, doesn't want a relationship and loves the sex and companionship too much to leave. Given enough time he may commit but it might take years.. are you willing to wait years for him to come around ? I appreciate your input. However, he is in fact into me. Maybe not enough to commit, but he is in to me. We do not have sex enough for him to be using me for that for the most part. If I were just a casual "thing" to do and kill time with, he would be putting in far too much effort. He can hook up with other people without half of the hassle. As for what I was hoping for--no, it was not for opinions that were what I'd want to hear. I wanted to know if anyone could relate. All of the effort that he DOES put in, suggests otherwise as for not being into me. But yes... I would agree that him coming around, finally, could take years. And I am not up for that. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Tasha49 Posted July 18, 2011 Author Share Posted July 18, 2011 I like how you are leaving out the fact that he blatantly disrespected and cheated on you here. I already told you what to do in the other thread you made here. http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showthread.php?t=286532&page=2 The decision is simple here. You don't really want to be one of those ultra weak women that ends up on Maury do you? I didn't leave it out. Those who already read could have given me input still. He didn't cheat not that I excuse that behavior at all. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Tasha49 Posted July 18, 2011 Author Share Posted July 18, 2011 Have already posted 2 threads about it. I don't want to write a novel every time. I also couldn't link it because I am on an iPhone. Link to post Share on other sites
Nexus One Posted July 18, 2011 Share Posted July 18, 2011 Have you asked him WHY he keeps it a secret from everyone that you guys are "together" for lack of a better term? Link to post Share on other sites
mo mo Posted July 18, 2011 Share Posted July 18, 2011 I didn't leave it out. Those who already read could have given me input still. He didn't cheat not that I excuse that behavior at all. He didn't cheat but you don't excuse what he did. Yet you are hanging on to hope that he will come around. Do you see how flawed your line of thinking is? Look, I know you came here for some opinions and advice, and I hate to sound harsh but the truth is you really can't trust your own thoughts and emotions in this situation. You are not being rational. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Tasha49 Posted July 18, 2011 Author Share Posted July 18, 2011 He didn't cheat but you don't excuse what he did. Yet you are hanging on to hope that he will come around. Do you see how flawed your line of thinking is? Look, I know you came here for some opinions and advice, and I hate to sound harsh but the truth is you really can't trust your own thoughts and emotions in this situation. You are not being rational. I am not denying anything. The only thing I hate is that no one seems to fully understand what exactly this guy and I have. Yes... it is not a healthy "relationship" in terms of what he is doing to me. But he does care a lot about me and is into me. Even from all of your standpoints it could be difficult to agree with but you are not seeing and experiencing all the things that I am. He wouldn't buy me a camera worth hundreds of dollars to support my photography if he didn't care. Because he has many bills and is in no way rich. He wouldn't bring me ANYwhere near his family if he "just wasn't that into me." He wouldn't tell me he loves me (which he finally confessed a few months ago) constantly and NOT mean it. Why bother saying it if it wouldn't change the circumstances? He even told me for the longest time he wouldn't ever be ready for those three words for a while and so he never said it back because he felt uncomfortable. But a few months ago he finally told me he realized he loves me. I am not dumb enough to completely misjudge his love for me. I know what love is and when it is not present between two people. I can see it in his eyes when he tells me, that he means every bit of it. I am not in denial nor blind and trying to convince myself of false hopes. He does love me, everyone around him can see that and he has told a few people. His roommates know about us and the situation. But he has only told his closest friend in the house the full truth. Even him sleeping with other girls and hurting me. Sometimes he will put his arm around me if he thinks his roommates aren't looking; so he knows he could be risking them seeing. We go to sleep together a lot at his place so I am sure his roommates can get a hint. Our boss who is a good friend knows about us via him. My guy told him about it and us going to California together. My boss told me that he said he loves me but doesn't know what to do about it because he is afraid to trust someone again. I have no idea what it is, and maybe I never will. But I am moving on do not get me wrong. I am fine with all of the harsh opinions, but it just gets to me when no one is around to see how he acts with me and then everyone just says "Ope! Well he doesn't love you he just wants sex." This situation in no way revolves around sex. At all. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Tasha49 Posted July 18, 2011 Author Share Posted July 18, 2011 Have you asked him WHY he keeps it a secret from everyone that you guys are "together" for lack of a better term? No because he gets upset and annoyed sometimes when I push him and ask him anything to do with his lack of commitment. The. He doesn't act the same for a few days. I have pressed his about the matter several times and so I feel like he is going to hate me the more I ask questions. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Tasha49 Posted July 18, 2011 Author Share Posted July 18, 2011 This is TMI but I also gave him an STD (one of my two ex's had a letter sent to me by some health clinic saying I had an STD) and So I told him after I found out. It was curable thankfully and I got the both of us the medication and it went away. But EVEN after telling him that, he still stuck around. If he wasn't into me and using me for sex... wouldn't he have ran for the hills to find someone else? Link to post Share on other sites
grkBoy Posted July 18, 2011 Share Posted July 18, 2011 In the end Tasha, you have to make a choice. A) Get on his butt to make things public and treat you as a girlfriend in public. B) Dump him. C) Stop complaining and accept things the way they are. That's the hard truth. Maybe we don't understand what you and him have. I don't think any of us want to because we all try to maintain the logic that if someone isn't treating us the way we like, we bring it out and then choose to accept things or move on if they don't change. You can dwell on this to death, but those are your choices. It's like when I see men and women who get dumped, but keep claiming the ex still loves them and goes on and on about wanting "closure" or trying to examine things in 2000 different ways...but they won't accept that it's over and they should move on. Do I sound cold and so quick to throw people away? Perhaps, but I've dealt with enough s**t in my dating existence that I learned to make myself my #1 priority without hurting those I get close to. Let's be honest, if my GF turned into a psycho, spoiled brat, entitled b***h, drama queen, etc...I'll first put my foot down and set her straight that I won't tolerate it. If she then tries to "overpower me" or "break me" or something that doesn't involve respecting me...she's gone. I'll toss away the three years I've spent with her before I accept being in a miserable relationship. You and many others need to think that way. Stop trying to salvage or fix something that's broken. Stop clinging on to some good times when it seems there might be more bad times. Stop seeing "being single" as the worst place you can be compared to being in an unhappy RL. I don't know exactly what things are like with you and your man...but the three choices still stand. Make your choice and live with it. You can only try to examine this so many ways, but you'll still end up at those choices. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Tasha49 Posted July 19, 2011 Author Share Posted July 19, 2011 Those are very valid points grkBoy and I agree all the way. However... I was never looking for what to do. I already made my mind up that I am leaving... this thread was not about what I should do with the situation. Like I have said, I was just looking more for an explanation as to why he's so wishy-washy. When he does love me and care about me, yet won't act on it in a way that only seems logical. I was also asking if I was justified in wanting a label on this and for him to agree to an official committed relationship. Because I do know some people out there are label/commitment whores. Link to post Share on other sites
sm1tten Posted July 19, 2011 Share Posted July 19, 2011 What difference does it mean to what degree he is into you or not? He isn't into you enough to give you whatever it is that would make you stop posting threads about him. You're both in denial. I truly shudder if either of you think this is what love is. If nothing else, accept the fact that he doesn't love you or care about you enough for you. Link to post Share on other sites
Eddie Edirol Posted July 19, 2011 Share Posted July 19, 2011 Those are very valid points grkBoy and I agree all the way. However... I was never looking for what to do. I already made my mind up that I am leaving... this thread was not about what I should do with the situation. Like I have said, I was just looking more for an explanation as to why he's so wishy-washy. When he does love me and care about me, yet won't act on it in a way that only seems logical. I was also asking if I was justified in wanting a label on this and for him to agree to an official committed relationship. Because I do know some people out there are label/commitment whores. When you want the real truth about peoples words, they ALWAYS follow it with actions. Thats why he isnt acting logical to you. So right now he is acting like hes into you to keep you docile and at his side. He gives you just enough to keep you there, but keeping it on his terms, which is not making you his public girlfriend. He already knows that you will settle for private intimate moments, and you'll sacrifice the public ones. THATS why hes so wishy washy. He is into you, but he doesnt love you or is as in love with you as youd like to think. Its way too obvious. When you want a label, the other person is supposed to want it also - so yeah, youre justified, but it doesnt matter when he doesnt want it. Since hes been fighting this for a year, hes not going to change. Glad youre bailing out. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Tasha49 Posted July 19, 2011 Author Share Posted July 19, 2011 When you want the real truth about peoples words, they ALWAYS follow it with actions. Thats why he isnt acting logical to you. So right now he is acting like hes into you to keep you docile and at his side. He gives you just enough to keep you there, but keeping it on his terms, which is not making you his public girlfriend. He already knows that you will settle for private intimate moments, and you'll sacrifice the public ones. THATS why hes so wishy washy. He is into you, but he doesnt love you or is as in love with you as youd like to think. Its way too obvious. When you want a label, the other person is supposed to want it also - so yeah, youre justified, but it doesnt matter when he doesnt want it. Since hes been fighting this for a year, hes not going to change. Glad youre bailing out. This is all very well said. And most probably true from every angle. I guess I just don't understand why people do this to someone who clearly isn't strong enough to handle it without getting heart broken. As much as I would agree with you saying he is only showing interest to keep me at his side, part of me slightly disagrees. Because just the excitement he shows whenever he sees me cannot be an act. It is far too genuine and real. He is all smiles right now with me (I'm at work visiting him). Keeps coming over to me and smiling huge, and said he loves me and just told me I am "so beautiful right now." i brought him dinner of course, and he said "Wow thank you soo much you are way too good to me." And I can tell he really does appreciate it. So I would say it is all an act to get me to stay but when he actually shows that he is into me it confuses me all the more. As I do not think he is completely in love with me, I know he loves me. I would have walked FAR long ago if I didn't truly feel like he was into me. I am not saying what I want to think, it is what I know. Link to post Share on other sites
Kalinka Posted July 19, 2011 Share Posted July 19, 2011 Op, you're one of those stubborn, weak-minded woman that no matter what type of advice people give them, still DON'T listen. You're just going to have to learn this the HARD way when your heart gets crushed and then you'll be thinking, "Oh, I should have listened to them." Stop wasting your time trying to justify his actions and make pathetic excuses for him. He's not into you. Period. Get over it and move on. Link to post Share on other sites
Ruby Slippers Posted July 19, 2011 Share Posted July 19, 2011 Like I have said, I was just looking more for an explanation as to why he's so wishy-washy. When he does love me and care about me, yet won't act on it in a way that only seems logical. He clearly has deep-seated commitment issues. He's probably terrified of getting hurt and thinks he is protecting himself. Most mentally ill people are seized by some overblown fear, like this one. Everybody gets hurt in love -- even when it is good and healthy. I was also asking if I was justified in wanting a label on this and for him to agree to an official committed relationship. Because I do know some people out there are label/commitment whores. It is completely reasonable to want a commitment. An emotionally healthy guy who loved you would make a commitment to you. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Tasha49 Posted July 19, 2011 Author Share Posted July 19, 2011 Kalinka- I am not anything like you have posted. I am a good person and I can think for mtself thank you. So please don't make irrational stabs at the person you THINK I am. Did I say I was ignoring all advice and that I am gonna stay in this? NO. so maybe next time you need to read more.I said I am tired of it and done with it. I am not in denial and you do not know me so your cold assumptions are not appreciated. I'm not denying anything other than him not being into me. I am not denying I deserve better. Or that what he is doing is wrong. I am not denying him not loving me enough to matter in the end. And I am not denying that I am heartbreak bound. I am just trying to tell people that he IS into me and cares about me. Why do I need to make that of importance? Because the input will be a lot more accurate when they know detail for detail. It is one thing to say "Oh help me people, this guy isn't into me but he is so nice and I love him so what should I do?" Advice would be flawed because everyone would be automatically prone to say "Get out. He doesn't like you. End of advice." But knowing that he is in fact into me a lot, would give me much more accurate advice and answers. I asked for the cold hard truth about my situation... not to attack me with accusations of who you think I am. Your response was of zero help. Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts