Author NU42 Posted July 13, 2011 Author Share Posted July 13, 2011 WhichWayIsUp, That is a great question! And it begs another question! If - and I do mean if - she is deciding that she does want to come back to me, if I am in the NC phase, how do I know if she I'm not allowing her to contact me? Link to post Share on other sites
TurboGirl Posted July 13, 2011 Share Posted July 13, 2011 Well, I don't think she "has to know" per se. The way I interpret it, the "NC" phase is for YOU. You are training yourself to be unavailable, when previously you were always available. I think WWIU is correct, and she will try to come & talk with you for some personal reason sometime soon. Be prepared with a generic, sorry I'm busy, can't talk with you at the moment. Very professional and detached. If she presses for when you can talk, say you don't know, you're busy. And just don't get back with her. Come on! Guys do it all the time. I know you can. :bunny: Sad that her reason for staying is the kids. I would think the kids would be a great reason to GO! Get them out of that situation with the messed up BF. The kids are going to learn that that home situation is the way it should be, and the cycle will just continue on... But it is her choice there. Link to post Share on other sites
Author NU42 Posted July 13, 2011 Author Share Posted July 13, 2011 Turbo, Her boys loved me. She always said she wanted me to be part of their lives. However, the other guy was drinking and using and threatening suicide. She said she couldn't live with herself if anything happened to him. So, as often happens in co-dependent relationships, she decided that life with him as opposed to me was a price worth paying. She's literally taking care of him. I agree. I will have to deal with her again soon. It's just one day at a time. Thanks for everything. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted July 13, 2011 Share Posted July 13, 2011 WhichWayIsUp, That is a great question! And it begs another question! If - and I do mean if - she is deciding that she does want to come back to me, if I am in the NC phase, how do I know if she I'm not allowing her to contact me? If she is to come to back you, wouldn't you prefer her to come to you in 4-6 months, rather than a week or two from changing her mind? Honestly, she needs to be ALONE with NO man in her life. IF you two are ever going to be together, it would be healthier and best for HER to learn to be independant with NO man to rescue her. She'll learn how to depend on herself and not have to rely on a guy to make her happy. She isn't going to change her mind any time soon. If she does change her mind so quickly, she can change it back JUST as quickly in a few weeks or a month. Link to post Share on other sites
Owl Posted July 13, 2011 Share Posted July 13, 2011 You clearly spell out to her that she's no longer to come to you for anything other than business related issues. PERIOD. Make it clear that you're honoring her intent to end the affair. You're not doing this to hurt her, but because the affair needs to end, and any communication beyond that which is required for work will likely hinder any effort to attain this goal. Then you continue to implement and use measures intended to maintain that "distance" between you. And hopefully, this will work. Odds are...one or both of you will eventually 'cave in' and resume the affair, and this will cycle repeatedly until someone's feelings are so hurt that they find new employment opportunities. Harsh, but honest. Link to post Share on other sites
BenThereDunThat Posted July 13, 2011 Share Posted July 13, 2011 You clearly spell out to her that she's no longer to come to you for anything other than business related issues. PERIOD. Make it clear that you're honoring her intent to end the affair. You're not doing this to hurt her, but because the affair needs to end, and any communication beyond that which is required for work will likely hinder any effort to attain this goal. Then you continue to implement and use measures intended to maintain that "distance" between you. And hopefully, this will work. Odds are...one or both of you will eventually 'cave in' and resume the affair, and this will cycle repeatedly until someone's feelings are so hurt that they find new employment opportunities. Harsh, but honest. I agree with Owl. Working together + the fact that you're clearly holding out hope + the fact that she revels in your sympathetic shoulder and attention = expect a lot more stops and starts before this thing finally dies. In the meantime, pray there's no job-related fallout as a result. I'm also not trying to be harsh. Just the reality from an experienced outsider's POV. Link to post Share on other sites
chalkfarm Posted July 13, 2011 Share Posted July 13, 2011 What I really need to do is find a new girlfriend........ I understand but I pity the woman who gets involved with you right now..... Be nice. Don't use another person. Link to post Share on other sites
chalkfarm Posted July 13, 2011 Share Posted July 13, 2011 Turbo, Her boys loved me. She always said she wanted me to be part of their lives. However, the other guy was drinking and using and threatening suicide. She said she couldn't live with herself if anything happened to him. So, as often happens in co-dependent relationships, she decided that life with him as opposed to me was a price worth paying. She's literally taking care of him. I agree. I will have to deal with her again soon. It's just one day at a time. Thanks for everything. NU, this will appear mean but all I hear are excuses, excuses, excuses. To me it sounds like blah blah blah blah blah. If you get some distance you will hear what I hear. It is MEANINGLESS BLATHER. Distance is the key! Link to post Share on other sites
chalkfarm Posted July 13, 2011 Share Posted July 13, 2011 WhichWayIsUp, That is a great question! And it begs another question! If - and I do mean if - she is deciding that she does want to come back to me, if I am in the NC phase, how do I know if she I'm not allowing her to contact me? This is the HARDEST part! You have stop hoping. Hope will kill the work you need to do to get better and heal. How cruel is that? But I promise you, every single person on this site that is grappling with healing from this sort of situation, is working to kill the hope. It is the last thing to die and should be the first. Catch 22! Link to post Share on other sites
Author NU42 Posted July 13, 2011 Author Share Posted July 13, 2011 Hehehehe. I understand what everybody is saying. I'm not making excuses. I'm just in that mode where the thoughts in my head won't stop. They just keep spinning round and round in my head. I didn't view this as a "fling" or as an "affair" because we were both unattached and openly "in love" with each other. I know what you guys are saying. I'm trying to do it. I've been successful for the last two days. Just keep kicking me in the ass....... NC is a one-day-at-a-time thing. I just need to make it through today ....and deal with tomorrow when it comes. Link to post Share on other sites
Author NU42 Posted July 13, 2011 Author Share Posted July 13, 2011 lol Well, some of those things are just not an option. However, I permanently deleted all texts and emails. I even got rid of everything (clothes, cologne, ect) she'd ever gotten for me. I don't do social websites, so that's not an issue. Honestly, think each day will be easier ....make me more confident. Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted July 13, 2011 Share Posted July 13, 2011 He can't be the one to change jobs because he is part owner of the firm. No one wants to kick her off her job because she has little kids and a fool at home to support, so what is Nu to do? Link to post Share on other sites
fooled once Posted July 13, 2011 Share Posted July 13, 2011 WhichWayIsUp, That is a great question! And it begs another question! If - and I do mean if - she is deciding that she does want to come back to me, if I am in the NC phase, how do I know if she I'm not allowing her to contact me? Excellent WWIU If she is to come to back you, wouldn't you prefer her to come to you in 4-6 months, rather than a week or two from changing her mind? Honestly, she needs to be ALONE with NO man in her life. IF you two are ever going to be together, it would be healthier and best for HER to learn to be independant with NO man to rescue her. She'll learn how to depend on herself and not have to rely on a guy to make her happy. She isn't going to change her mind any time soon. If she does change her mind so quickly, she can change it back JUST as quickly in a few weeks or a month. Excellent again! You clearly spell out to her that she's no longer to come to you for anything other than business related issues. PERIOD. Make it clear that you're honoring her intent to end the affair. You're not doing this to hurt her, but because the affair needs to end, and any communication beyond that which is required for work will likely hinder any effort to attain this goal. Then you continue to implement and use measures intended to maintain that "distance" between you. And hopefully, this will work. Odds are...one or both of you will eventually 'cave in' and resume the affair, and this will cycle repeatedly until someone's feelings are so hurt that they find new employment opportunities. Harsh, but honest. Yep. NU, please don't hold out hope for her 'changing her mind'. While she may, she is no condition to have a healthy relationship with you until she ends the relationship, grieves it, puts boundaries in place and gets some counseling and has time to heal. So you are looking at a year or so, IMHO. Don't waste your life living on "maybe" or "one day" or "who knows" or "what if". GO and LIVE life! Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted July 13, 2011 Share Posted July 13, 2011 Op is a partner in the practice. However, he could try and find employment for the mow in another firm. Hopefully, she would be cooperative. This would be my advice, in accordance with Owl's suggestion to take a plan of action. One phone call and it would be done. Generous severance and a clear positive on her work record reflective of her contributions to the firm. In Cali, an at-will state, there would be no issues at all. You know what you need to do. Link to post Share on other sites
Author NU42 Posted July 14, 2011 Author Share Posted July 14, 2011 Carhill, no I'm not going to do anything like that. My circumstances are unique. I'll deal with this and get through it. I'm doing the NC now and am finding it to be therapeutic. I'm getting a bit of a rush out of it. I'm simply avoiding and ignorning her ......and being happy. It almost feels good showing her that I'm moving on. I'm not saying there are tough times ahead. It feels good ..... at least today anyway. lol Link to post Share on other sites
skywriter Posted July 14, 2011 Share Posted July 14, 2011 Good for you NU42, moving on and being strong. She really didn't leave you another option other than to keep going on the roller coaster. Just hang on because the ride to the healthier side with ebb and flow. I know, I'm on the ride now. Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted July 14, 2011 Share Posted July 14, 2011 Good for you Nu for taking back your power. Keep it up and keep us posted! Link to post Share on other sites
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