! It's brutal! It's a mess....at work!

[NU42]

Turbogirl, that sounds like the perfect plan. I'm going to do just that. Wish me luck!

[NU42]

Candidly, as I listen to your advice .....it makes more sense ....and even pisses me off a bit. Maybe I need to be pissed off at her. I'm not saying I would outwardly show any ill feelings. I'm just saying that I might have an easier time (personally) establishing as close to NC as possible if I'm pissed.

 

FYI.......

 

When this all happened, her sister said "she should feel guilty" for taking me so far down this emotional path and ending it abrubtly.

 

Her best friend said "what she did to you was harsh and you didn't deserve it".

 

Would I be wrong to be angry?

[chalkfarm]

Candidly, as I listen to your advice .....it makes more sense ....and even pisses me off a bit. Maybe I need to be pissed off at her. I'm not saying I would outwardly show any ill feelings. I'm just saying that I might have an easier time (personally) establishing as close to NC as possible if I'm pissed.

 

FYI.......

 

When this all happened, her sister said "she should feel guilty" for taking me so far down this emotional path and ending it abrubtly.

 

Her best friend said "what she did to you was harsh and you didn't deserve it".

 

Would I be wrong to be angry?

You have the right to be angry regardless... but if you feel that you have been "used" then I would say it is well deserved. You deserve to be angry in order to move away emotionally. She deserves for you to be angry with her for using you (once again, either consciously or subconsciously). I don't know that she will really comprehend the anger..... it seems to me, that she is more likely to be defensive. And while, yes, you were involved with her knowing she was involved with someone else, it does not mean she is not responsible for leading down a rose covered path. Make sense?

[Heart On]

Nope.Anger helps establish stronger and healthier boundaries when they are needed.I stayed too long with men in my life because I forgave without

seeing change.Stupid me.

 

She WILL be ok.

 

And if she's not,she's only got herself to blame.

 

She is not his literal prisoner,but she might feel as though

she is trapped and owes him something.

 

What more can you do?

 

If you continue to allow her to string you along,you aren't her victim

you are a willing accompliss to your own pain.

That reality woke me the hell up!

[NU42]

Chalkfarm,

 

During the course of our one-year relationship, she and this other guy were not together. She booted him out of the house about one month before we began.

 

Of course......that doesn't change anything. I am where I am. I feel a bit better if I am angry.

 

But like I said earlier. She in theory is moving on. And yet, earlier today, I get this damn email from her where she reminds that today would have been her deceased step-father's 66 birthday....and she's sad. How in the hell do I respond to that sort of stuff???????

 

I guarantee......somethinkg like that will happen again tomorrow.

[NU42]

What I really need to do is find a new girlfriend........

[whichwayisup]

Candidly, as I listen to your advice .....it makes more sense ....and even pisses me off a bit. Maybe I need to be pissed off at her. I'm not saying I would outwardly show any ill feelings. I'm just saying that I might have an easier time (personally) establishing as close to NC as possible if I'm pissed.

 

FYI.......

 

When this all happened, her sister said "she should feel guilty" for taking me so far down this emotional path and ending it abrubtly.

 

Her best friend said "what she did to you was harsh and you didn't deserve it".

 

Would I be wrong to be angry?

 

Why are you not wanting to allow yourself to feel anger? To get pissed off at her? It's like you're afraid to... Let go? Have to deal with your emotions? Or am I off base here..

 

Why would you be wrong to feel angry? This woman (not malciously, but selfishly) has hurt you and has been bouncing back and forth between you and her ex. Of course you don't have to be mean or cruel to her, but you can and SHOULD let her know that you are extremely hurt and disappointed in her choice, and that she still expects you to be there for her. She isn't considering YOUR feelings at all. Notice how it's all about her? When was the last time she asked how YOU were doing, what was going on in YOUR life? Hope this makes sense to you.

[stillafool]

What I really need to do is find a new girlfriend........

 

Amen to that. Trust me, it will make a difference. If I were you I wouldn't respond to any more of her "needy" texts. Afterall, what are you suppose to say except "I'm sorry"? Let her lean on the loser for a while and see how that serves her.

[fooled once]

ChalkFarm and BBO7,

 

You are both correct and you share my own thoughts.

 

I'm an accomplished trial lawyer and pretty good a jumping inside the minds of other people. BUT that is a problem for me because I am always inclined to read into everything she does.

 

Frankly, without going into details, I don't think she's doing this because she feels guilty, although guilt may play some role.

 

My gut is that she is sending me mixed messages because she wants to keep me in the loop, which pisses me off more than if she was doing it out of guilt. I'm not saying she would ever come back to me....'Cause I don't know that to be true. However, I do think she'd like to be my office wife during the day....... It's every day.

 

She knows I'd take her back..........

 

Am I getting jerked around?

 

Yes, you are getting jerked around IMHO. She is continuing to use you as her BFF, her sounding board, her ego boost all the while staying with the loser. I was with an abusive ex and had a 6 year old but ya know what? I knew that wasn't the LIFE for my SON and there was NO WAY as a mother I could voluntarily do that to my child; to have him live the life with his dad - to see a marriage of 2 people as 2 people who were roommates. I wanted him to see LOVE, connection, affection, etc. I would have done him a huge disservice to stay married to his father.

 

She loves that she can cry to you, lean on you and ... basically work you ... and get all the attention and puppy dog eye looks from you and then go home to this supposedly unhappy household. What kind of mother voluntarily continues to allow her children to see this and live this? She has the MEANS to do better for her kids, but doesn't. SHAME on her.

 

YES, you are..........that comes with the territory with affairs and as others said...........she'll eat cake as long as you allow it. It's human nature to not do the hard stuff if you don't have to and with you, she doesn't have to. It doesn't necessarily mean she is doing it all consciously, maybe she is, maybe she isn't but affairs mess people up and it will mess you up too.

 

Something else you should think about very hard is that her getting some of her needs met by you, means that you are enabling her to not have to do the decision making of whether to end it with him. You are an ENABLER.

 

Yep

 

Stop allowing her to be personal with you. Just tell her straight up since she's chosen her ex and giving him a chance, she has to respect YOUR wishes and give you space, and keep things on a more professional setting. This doesn't have to be mean or anything, but she has to understand that it's painful for you to be around her, listen to her and be a friend all the meanwhile she blew her chance with you by going back to her ex. She can't it both ways!

 

YEP YEP

 

Stillafool, thank you.

 

This other guy is not employed and has been unemployed most of the last 10 years. She is a paralegal, earns good money and has always supported him. Even during the course of the last year, when we were together and they were apart, she helped pay his bills because she didn't want her kids' father to be on the street.

 

I need this forum badly....... It is a day-to-day battle for me. On the one hand I hope, on the other hand I know that hoping isn't going to make me feel better. It's only going to make me feel worse.

 

BUT I feel much better talking about all of this stuff. Insteady of obsessing over everything she says and does, I am going to come here to vent. I'd love to help.

 

Next big question ......her B-Day is next week? Do I give her a card? Do I even wish her a happy B-Day?

 

No card. No birthday wish and stop responding to personal emails from her. STOP it. YOU are enabling her. YOU are being co-dependent. You can be professional yet detached. You must get to that point You must open your eyes and see her for what she is doing to you.

 

Hon..........you are an enabler. You are making it easier for her to deal with the dysfunction of her life. If you truly love this woman..........walk away, cause she won't fix herself or her life until she has to look at that black hole. You can not fix it for her........no matter how much you want to and as heart pointed out, perhaps you have a few issues of your own. No slight at all meant there because we all do.

Seriously........unless she addresses this stuff, you know that you can't have a healthy relationship with her, right??

 

Excellent.

 

She needs to address her issues and stop making excuses for her life. She needs to take charge of it, if not for her, for her kids.

 

And as long as NU is there for her to lean on, she is not going to address her issues. She is going to run to NU to pick her up, soothe her and comfort her.

 

EVEN when she knows he wants more; she is dangling herself in front of him. That's cruel. That is self centered. NU deserves better.

[whereloveisnot]

Candidly, as I listen to your advice .....it makes more sense ....and even pisses me off a bit. Maybe I need to be pissed off at her. I'm not saying I would outwardly show any ill feelings. I'm just saying that I might have an easier time (personally) establishing as close to NC as possible if I'm pissed.

 

FYI.......

 

When this all happened, her sister said "she should feel guilty" for taking me so far down this emotional path and ending it abrubtly.

 

Her best friend said "what she did to you was harsh and you didn't deserve it".

 

Would I be wrong to be angry?

 

Angry works. So will a new girlfriend. It sounds like her family knew she would never abandon this guy. She feels compelled to save him, which means she gets something out of doing that that she won't give up. That makes you obsolete.

 

You may or may not wind up with her in the future, but you won't at all if you continue to be her BFF and let her lean on you. That's really putting you in the friend zone. And potentially used zone as she leans on you to get enough energy to take care of her loser BF.

 

Good luck!!

[whichwayisup]

Angry works. You may or may not wind up with her in the future, but you won't at all if you continue to be her BFF and let her lean on you. That's really putting you in the friend zone. And potentially used zone as she leans on you to get enough energy to take care of her loser BF.

Good luck!!

 

Not only that, but it prevents you from meeting, connecting and falling for someone else. As long as she's in your life, you are attached and emotionally involved. How can you date and get to know someone else, give them a chance when you're in love with her? It's impossible because your heart and emotions won't allow it. Right now she's all you want so NOONE else has a shot with you as long as she's in your life.

[NU42]

Pierre,

 

I hope that isn't true. I think she was just having a personal crisis in this dead-end releationship and I filled the void for 12 months or so. It was very intense physically and emotinally. We talked of love and marriage and having kids. And I'm a pretty intuitive guy .....so it wasn't just my imagination.

 

Her best friend said "She loved you, but she is staying for the kids....."

 

So, utimately, her guilt, perhaps her betrayal bond and their kids, convinced her to get back together. I don't doubt that she loves him. And I don't have a problem keeping the relationsip together for the kids.

 

As I'm writing this, I can hear her talking and laughing with another employee. It's brutal. She is HERE. I am here. That's the way it is. Painful.

 

I am very good at pretending to be happy when I'm not. But it pisses me off when she seems to be perfectly happy ........

[NU42]

So....does anybody have good advice for finding a new girl? lol All of these online dating sights give me the creeps; picking up women in a bar is not an opition; and I'm as busy as I can possibly be with my firm.......

 

Uhggg..........

[whichwayisup]

Why are you in a rush to go meet someone else and get a girlfriend? To help get over her? To make her jealous?

 

I would focus on letting go, closing your heart to her, detaching and staying out of her daily life, one day at a time.. Reconnect with your friends, family and do fun hobbies to keep yourself occupied. Join a gym to get frustration out, and to tire you out too, this way you'll sleep better at night.

 

Do NC with her, keep things professional at work. Block her from your personal email..

[whichwayisup]

Pierre,

 

I hope that isn't true. I think she was just having a personal crisis in this dead-end releationship and I filled the void for 12 months or so. It was very intense physically and emotinally. We talked of love and marriage and having kids. And I'm a pretty intuitive guy .....so it wasn't just my imagination.

 

Her best friend said "She loved you, but she is staying for the kids....."

 

So, utimately, her guilt, perhaps her betrayal bond and their kids, convinced her to get back together. I don't doubt that she loves him. And I don't have a problem keeping the relationsip together for the kids.

 

As I'm writing this, I can hear her talking and laughing with another employee. It's brutal. She is HERE. I am here. That's the way it is. Painful.

 

I am very good at pretending to be happy when I'm not. But it pisses me off when she seems to be perfectly happy ........

 

You cannot compete with that. The part I bolded. Would you really want her to choose you over what she thinks is best for her kids? Even if you think this guy is wrong for her, not a good father figure, she obviously feels it's important for their children to have their father living with them under one roof.

 

She isn't perfectly happy, she's putting on a happy face, just like you are. If she loved you like you believe, then there's no way she's happy inside right now.

 

I hope some of what I'm saying is helping.

[BenThereDunThat]

Why are you in a rush to go meet someone else and get a girlfriend? To help get over her? To make her jealous?

 

I would focus on letting go, closing your heart to her, detaching and staying out of her daily life, one day at a time.. Reconnect with your friends, family and do fun hobbies to keep yourself occupied. Join a gym to get frustration out, and to tire you out too, this way you'll sleep better at night.

 

Do NC with her, keep things professional at work. Block her from your personal email..

 

I agree with WWIU. I can't help but feel sorry for the potential new gf (whoever she may be). I had someone bum rush me into a relationship where it turns out he was just in hyper-drive trying to get over an ex. It eventually all came out. It was brutal.

 

I was young. He was on romantic hyper-drive and I fell for it. The crash was awful.

[NU42]

Guys, you are right. I need to let my head clear. I need to get over her before I date anybody else.

[Owl]

OK, so I'm an action oriented kind of guy.

 

It's one thing to say "I need to...".

 

What you need to do now is say "I'm going to...".

 

What specifically are you going to do differently going forward? How are you going to "draw the line" to prevent further incursions beyond the required business interactions in the office?

 

How are you going to keep your personal lives and feelings out of the office...and how are you going to ensure no further out of the office interactions at all?

[NU42]

WhichWayIsUp,

 

The more I think about what you said, the better I feel.

 

Of course I wouldn't want her to be with me if she thinks it's more important for the boys to live with their father under the same roof. As an aside, her friends and familly thought that was a bad idea, but her opinion is the only one that counts.

 

And I suspect you are right. I suspect she isn't completely happy inside, which is the reason she makes a point of talking to me ....even talking about memorable times. They last few weeks she's been wearing a lot of new overly expenses, which is unusual for her because she typically dresses down. Perhaps she's just trying to feel better about herself.

 

Perhaps it is as hard for her to see me .....as it is for me to see her.

 

We shall see......

[NU42]

Pierre, I am going NC......

[Owl]

Everybody says NO CONTACT, but that isn't possible. Everybody says DON'T BE FRIENDS, but I can't avoid the conversation. My common sense tells me to accept that it's over and move on, but this beautiful woman -- who is now back with her ex-boyfriend out of charity -- gives me reason for hope every day. Is she dangling me?

 

Is there anybody else out there with similar experiences? How do you deal with this pain when you work together? It's BRUTAL!!! I know I should move on, but don't want to because I continue to hold out hope. And even if I wanted to move on, it's impossible to get her out of my mind because I see her literally every day ........

 

 

What's your PLAN for going NC, in the light of your initial post?

[Emme]

Pierre, I am going NC......

 

:bunny:YAY:bunny:.

 

Good luck hun. Remember get someone to run interference.

[whichwayisup]

WhichWayIsUp,

 

The more I think about what you said, the better I feel.

 

Of course I wouldn't want her to be with me if she thinks it's more important for the boys to live with their father under the same roof. As an aside, her friends and familly thought that was a bad idea, but her opinion is the only one that counts.

 

And I suspect you are right. I suspect she isn't completely happy inside, which is the reason she makes a point of talking to me ....even talking about memorable times. They last few weeks she's been wearing a lot of new overly expenses, which is unusual for her because she typically dresses down. Perhaps she's just trying to feel better about herself.

 

Perhaps it is as hard for her to see me .....as it is for me to see her.

 

We shall see......

 

It is. Just keep busy, and do what you can to avoid her.

 

What's your PLAN for going NC, in the light of your initial post?

 

Yup, you need a plan. You need to talk to her and make it clear that she isn't welcome in your office for personal chit chat, that she can talk to her boyfriend, family or other friends when it comes to being sad, any personal crisis that happens, NOT to come running to you. Consquences..She chose him and now she has to leave you alone. Be professional to one another, nod, say hello but no more personal stuff. She doesn't have a choice in this matter now. She chose him and now you're choosing to do NC with her (minus professional work conversations). She has to accept that.

[NU42]

Guys, my plan is not as direct as others. However, I can make it work and have been at it for the last two days ....with success so far.

 

1) I am not giving her any opportunity to "drop in" because my door is closed and everybody in the office knows that when the door is closed I am either in meetings or working on an important project.

 

2) I made sure I am not in my office at the time of day when she would normally drop in.

 

So, for the last two days, this has worked. I've had NC except that she says "good night" at the end of the day........

[whichwayisup]

Guys, my plan is not as direct as others. However, I can make it work and have been at it for the last two days ....with success so far.

 

1) I am not giving her any opportunity to "drop in" because my door is closed and everybody in the office knows that when the door is closed I am either in meetings or working on an important project.

 

2) I made sure I am not in my office at the time of day when she would normally drop in.

 

So, for the last two days, this has worked. I've had NC except that she says "good night" at the end of the day........

 

Okay, so let's say this happens... How will you react and handle this? what will you say?

 

Knock at her your door. It's her. You say who is it? She says It's me... what do you say? Come in? Or I'm busy, please go away. If you let her in, and shes upset, wants to talk, pulls out the crocodile tears because there's a "crisis" or an "emergency" and she needs you and your support.. What do you say to her? And trust me, she WILL come to you in the next 2 weeks with something...