How we treat cheaters on this board

[PortuguesePrincess80]

It's not a jab at BS's - It's a fact.

 

Many - myself included have tried to explain the truth. Then we are slammed that we're trying to justify our behavior.

It's a vicious circle. BUT it does lead to some really good conversation.

 

I agree with the therapy part said here at the end. I'd never come here as a means of therapy. It's a discussion forum - FAR FROM therapy.

 

Well I feel bad that you think its a "FACT" that the bs's on here attack a cheater..considering most of us have reconciled and working on our relationships!

 

I will agree with DonnaMaybe that 90 percent of the bs bashers on here are men.

 

But for you to make a huge generalization on here that ALL the BS'S on here attack is something you should possibly research before making an accusation and assumption with that much ignorance!

[What_Next]

PortuguesePrincess80, all hail the cheaters support section... It took them a while to show up but they are here now in full force.

 

Thank heavens for free speech right? They can cheer all they want, I know I'll do so as well, but not for the same causes.

Edited May 16, 2011 by What_Next

[confusedinkansas]

PortuguesePrincess80, all hail the cheaters support section... It took them a while to show up but they are here now in full force.

 

Thank heavens for free speech right? They can cheer all they want, I know I'll do so as well, but not for the same causes.

 

This is exactly what I'm talking about.

Cheater Support System:confused:.......I don't see anyone ever cheering on a cheater. What most of us do is try to make them not feel that they're the only ones in the world that are dealing with this issue. Let them know that time will heal the wounds. (For them & for their BS) We try to make them see that in the longrun it's NOT the way to go (cheating)- to let them know what they feel is normal under the circumstances & to let them know that they should answer all questions that their spouse asks them. So I'm not really sure where you get off saying we're cheering them on.

 

Princess - I didn't mean to generalize......but as with the "FACTS" you assumed:eek: & read between the lines, etc.

I never said ALL BS's do this. But I suppose that it's fair enough for you to assume that's what I meant:eek:..........Which isn't the case. Silly me for not saying NOT ALL BS'S DO THIS.......ONLY MANY OF THEM HERE!

 

YES Thank heavens for Free Speech! Thank heaven for discussion forums where we can go & talk over our 'issues' in life.

[samsungxoxo]

Frankly I think there are other things just as painful as cheating.... infidelity is a type of devastating event on this earth but to said that's all there is to it and nothing compares to this.... nope, there are different types of pain in the world.

 

To be honest I don't see how the ''You should have thought about it before you did this and this'' helps out. Ok so they didn't think about it, what now?

 

That's like saying ''You should have never broken that glass but it's done already''. Since it's already done, there is no point of going back in time. What should be answered is the ''what to do now'' at the present time and how to improve it.

 

Why do I get the feeling this sounds like a court?

Edited May 16, 2011 by samsungxoxo

[What_Next]

CIK it's highly unlikely you and I will ever agree... It is what it is. Your opinion of cheating and cheaters is well known here on LS. No 'reading between the lines is necessary'. Enough said on that. Life's too short to spend time around those you don't care for. Even if it is virtual, the ignore button works just fine.

 

Samsungxoxo, of course there are other things just as painful as cheating, or are you going for your captain obvious badge today?

 

The thing is though many cheaters (and those who support them ) come on here and pretend as though their actions are justifiable, and even acceptable. They AREN'T, period. Add to that the fog that they are in and often they cannot see out of. They only see their own side of the current situation. I for one have no problem with doing my part to grab them and shake the hell out of them to try and let them see beyond their own selfish actions.

 

I can easily take each situation individually as I read them and act/post accordingly but my baseline opinion of cheating does not change.

[Woggle]

I can't speak for the women here but when you have some female cheaters on here the excuses they use sound like the same crap our exes tried to feed us.

 

We remember the complete lack of remourse, blame shifting and entitlement complex and it hits a raw nerve. Not only do you get betrayed but you get blamed for it as well and she gets to play the victim? This stuff hits a little too close to home for many of us.

[ladydesigner]

This is exactly what I'm talking about.

Cheater Support System:confused:.......I don't see anyone ever cheering on a cheater. What most of us do is try to make them not feel that they're the only ones in the world that are dealing with this issue. Let them know that time will heal the wounds. (For them & for their BS) We try to make them see that in the longrun it's NOT the way to go (cheating)- to let them know what they feel is normal under the circumstances & to let them know that they should answer all questions that their spouse asks them. So I'm not really sure where you get off saying we're cheering them on.

 

Princess - I didn't mean to generalize......but as with the "FACTS" you assumed:eek: & read between the lines, etc.

I never said ALL BS's do this. But I suppose that it's fair enough for you to assume that's what I meant:eek:..........Which isn't the case. Silly me for not saying NOT ALL BS'S DO THIS.......ONLY MANY OF THEM HERE!

 

YES Thank heavens for Free Speech! Thank heaven for discussion forums where we can go & talk over our 'issues' in life.

 

I agree with this. I don't ever see ANYONE cheering a cheater on, but as soon as you offer any positive support it is seen as supporting a cheater.

[samsungxoxo]

Samsungxoxo, of course there are other things just as painful as cheating, or are you going for your captain obvious badge today?

I know but it's like this is treated as if it was the end of the world or a ''You'll now be sentenced to life in prison'' thing.

 

How about if a former BS got his/her revenge and became a WS?

[Woggle]

I know but it's like this is treated as if it was the end of the world or a ''You'll now be sentenced to life in prison'' thing.

 

How about if a former BS got his/her revenge and became a WS?

 

There are worse things but almost nobody has the entitlement complex and lack of remorse as cheaters.

[samsungxoxo]

There are worse things but almost nobody has the entitlement complex and lack of remorse as cheaters.

Actually psychopaths and serial killers do lack complete empathy or have no remorse at all. They display an anti-social personality disorder.. a very serious and deadly mental disorder.

Cheaters in general are selfish people (ego-centric) but not necessary psychopaths.

 

Ex: Let's say I never buy my brother things... I would be selfish in this case but no where near at the level of a dangerous psychopath/sociopath.

[bentnotbroken]

I can't speak for the women here but when you have some female cheaters on here the excuses they use sound like the same crap our exes tried to feed us.

 

We remember the complete lack of remourse, blame shifting and entitlement complex and it hits a raw nerve. Not only do you get betrayed but you get blamed for it as well and she gets to play the victim? This stuff hits a little too close to home for many of us.

 

 

Wogs, I feel the same way as a female fBS. I would be happy if everyone excepted what they did as their own choices. Not that "so in so made me do this because this or that was missing" or the playground thing "he/she did it first and I couldn't forgive so I did whatever".

[samsungxoxo]

Now in the case of a revenge cheater, the initial BS (who later on became an WS too) was the victim first so it might be kind of justified. It wouldn't excuse it but at least there should be an understanding in this situation.

 

Now the first WS should forgive the revenge cheater because they were forgiven when they did it.

[What_Next]

That's a tougher one samsungxoxo.

 

I've been on both sides of that fence. After d-day I got involved in what could be termed a revenge affair. I am ashamed and disgusted by it. I did so any my justification was that I had decided to seperate from my wife. That was B/S on my part. I wanted revenge. Pure and simple.

 

Without reaching for that captain obvious badge myself, 2 rights obviouslly don't make a right. It makes a BAD SITUATION WORSE.

 

As to whether or not the WS should forgive the spouse that has a revenge affair, well I'd say that is their choice just as much as it is the BS to forgive the WS.

 

I can only say that I'll never again be involved with nor put up with any for of cheating whatsoever, whatever it's label is.

[ladydesigner]

Now in the case of a revenge cheater, the initial BS (who later on became an WS too) was the victim first so it might be kind of justified. It wouldn't excuse it but at least there should be an understanding in this situation.

 

Now the first WS should forgive the revenge cheater because they were forgiven when they did it.

 

I am a BS who became a WS and while at the time I had the A I did feel justified, but no longer feel this way. I realize now what I did was just as bad. I am now a cheater like my H. I never wanted to be this person and once you cross that line you cannot uncross it. I can only live my life with better decisions from this day forward.

[Woggle]

Actually psychopaths and serial killers do lack complete empathy or have no remorse at all. They display an anti-social personality disorder.. a very serious and deadly mental disorder.

Cheaters in general are selfish people (ego-centric) but not necessary psychopaths.

 

Ex: Let's say I never buy my brother things... I would be selfish in this case but no where near at the level of a dangerous psychopath/sociopath.

 

I fully agree but I seriously doubt a murderer would come on trying to paint themselves as the victim and expect to receive a cheering section.

[Woggle]

Now in the case of a revenge cheater, the initial BS (who later on became an WS too) was the victim first so it might be kind of justified. It wouldn't excuse it but at least there should be an understanding in this situation.

 

Now the first WS should forgive the revenge cheater because they were forgiven when they did it.

 

That is somewhat different. Two wrongs don't make a right but I can sympathize with a BS who cheats to get revenge.

 

When you have these situations though where a person is married to a loving and faithful spouse but meets some jerk on facebook then all of sudden starts acting like a high school kid with puppy love it is hard to feel empathy. When this same people acts like they are the victim it triggers my gag reflex.

[tami-chan]

I fully agree but I seriously doubt a murderer would come on trying to paint themselves as the victim and expect to receive a cheering section.

 

Actually many murderers paint themselves as "victim" (it was self-defense or it was temporary insanity ) while in rare cases it might be true, most is just a result of not having control over one's emotions. And yes, these murderers who claim to be victims DO expect to (and get) their own cheering squads.

 

Same as abusive individuals.

[plasma]

I completely agree.

 

There's no value in taking your anger/hurt out on someone else on this board.

 

I will nearly always post advice to them to end the affair or the marriage...I never recommend that someone REMAIN in an affair...but it's my advice and support, and I generally try to do that respectfully and without attacking them personally.

 

The personal attacks, namecalling, etc... isn't going to do anything to help them change the situation or seek further help...on the contrary, it's likely to drive them away before they even get the advice to make those changes.

 

agreed , im new here but not to relationships

[Woggle]

Actually many murderers paint themselves as "victim" (it was self-defense or it was temporary insanity ) while in rare cases it might be true, most is just a result of not having control over one's emotions. And yes, these murderers who claim to be victims DO expect to (and get) their own cheering squads.

 

Same as abusive individuals.

 

And most people rightly call them out for the nuts they are but for some reason cheaters are supposed to be coddled.

[tami-chan]

And most people rightly call them out for the nuts they are but for some reason cheaters are supposed to be coddled.

 

Be that as it may. Your contention below:

 

I seriously doubt a murderer would come on trying to paint themselves as the victim and expect to receive a cheering section

 

was false.

[Woggle]

Murders might expect a cheering section themselves but the majority of people do not support them. Nobody would be called a bully on this forum for not coddling a murderer yet we are supposed coddle cheaters and if we don't we are bullies.

[tami-chan]

I can't speak for the women here but when you have some female cheaters on here the excuses they use sound like the same crap our exes tried to feed us.

 

We remember the complete lack of remourse, blame shifting and entitlement complex and it hits a raw nerve. Not only do you get betrayed but you get blamed for it as well and she gets to play the victim? This stuff hits a little too close to home for many of us.

 

This is some admission, woggle! Given that you cannot effectively put aside your personal feelings from an anonymous poster's story, how can you claim "trying to help" when your dislike, anger and bitterness seep through the words that you type? Is it then wise to recluse yourself or anyone who is still hurting from responding (I know, I know, it is a public forum )? Because frankly, the responses are rife with transference.

[thomasb]

Actually, the only people who have been rude to me on this board are some of the OWs. I've been treated very well by the betrayed.

[tami-chan]

Actually, the only people who have been rude to me on this board are some of the OWs. I've been treated very well by the betrayed.

 

Well..mirror, mirror...perhaps you should review your posts and see if you have not been rude to others? Of course you have been treated well by the BSs and why wouldn't you be? You are remorseful and working on fixing the wrong you have done AND absolutely despise others who are still in the situation you once were. I, for one wish you the best but let's not forget where we came from. You are where you are because somebody did not write you off.

[whichwayisup]

Well..mirror, mirror...perhaps you should review your posts and see if you have not been rude to others? Of course you have been treated well by the BSs and why wouldn't you be? You are remorseful and working on fixing the wrong you have done AND absolutely despise others who are still in the situation you once were. I, for one wish you the best but let's not forget where we came from. You are where you are because somebody did not write you off.

 

Is this a case of the chicken and the egg? Unless i'm wrong, I seem to remember TB posting how remorseful he was and glad he chose his wife, how happy he was being back with her and many OW came at him hard. So, he fought back, went on the defensive as many people here do when they're attacked.