Online dating - One big joke?

[stepka]

Since re-starting, here are my greatest "successes":

- First girl I was supposed to meet flaked, couldn't reach her because phone died. Found out that day she was in another city

- Met up with one girl for date. Went well, but never heard from her again

- Began messaging another girl on the site. Had a lot in common, really interesting. She gave me her email address. I emailed her and never heard back from her again

- Messaged by a girl, who eventually asked me out. Got sick before first date, had to reschedule. On the day of the date she never showed up and I couldn't get in touch with her

- I've been messaging a new girl now, a lot in common. I ask her out, she says sure. I ask for her number a week ago, and no response. Funny, though, because I keep seeing profile updates from her on the site's newsfeed, and she appears to be online quite a bit

 

 

I'm a woman and I joined in early December. So far, I've had maybe 5 dates. I've liked them all but no chemistry. Here are some of my other "successes." (These are messages--didn't go out with any of them.)

*a lesbian who was 20 years younger thought I was stunning and wanted me to cross the street so to speak.

*I've been getting multiple emails a day from a man I thought was a drunk at first, but am now thinking has schizophrenia or something--I'm hoping I don't run into him on the street.

*I saw a profile of a man who attracted me on cupid and rated him 5 stars. I got a message back saying that he had also rated me 5 stars but when I messaged him and said cool, he messaged back and said it was a mistake, he had meant to give someone else 5 stars, not me. Ouch.

*Got a very long letter--over 5 paragraphs--from someone saying that he was looking for the love of his life and yadda yadda, but nowhere was my profile mentioned or what he liked about it, which made me think he was sending out these missives to every women on the site.

 

And with all this, I get maybe one new message a week. Part of that is me--I"m an unusual person with rather strange hobbies and I don't hide any part of that on my profile b/c I really am looking for a match. I've never been stood up yet though, but maybe that's more common with younger folks. I guess I'll keep trying but I've got to say that if you take it too seriously, you will get hurt. I say have fun with it and don't expect too much and behave as honorably as you can, and eventually you'll meet someone, OL or off.

 

Your profile is the last thing most women care about. Pictures is number 1. If you take great photos your a shoe in for many dates. You can't get any more shallow than online dating.

I've found that I pay much more attn to looks in OL dating. I've been corresponding with an old bf from years ago and he sent me his pic and I'm thinking I'd never contact him OL but I'd sure as he!! go out with him again if I could see him again, or if I met him out and took in the whole package I sure would. He wasn't good looking back then either, but oh, he had that manly way about him that just put me over the top. But the thing is, in OL I don't have much to go on except a pic and a profile, and very few men can write a profile that amazes me with its brilliance. If it's totally lame though and the man is gorgeous, I won't bother, or if he isn't so hot, but the profile is amazing, I will write him. Anyway, I'm sure that I've missed some really great guys that would be perfect for me and I'm sure that some of those same men have missed me for the same reason. Still, it's worked for enough people that I keep thinking it could work for me too, and I've had to learn patience, but it wouldn't happen right away in the real world either.

[paddington bear]

Photos are important. I've met some guys who really didn't do themselves any justice and looked so much better in reality (which is why, unless I am really immediately repulsed, I try to meet most guys who I seem to have stuff in common with, in reality they are much more than the sum of their pictures...still, why not show yourself off to your best advantage to help yourself out?)

 

Sometimes I'm online and literally 5 guys are trying to instant message me at one, most of them will be some creepy guys in foreign lands wanting to talk dirty, sometimes they are normal guys, but I can't keep that many conversations going at once, so people get ignored.

 

I actually wrote in my profile that I know guys don't read the profile, but just look at the pictures, which actually has forced some guys to read it, which is a good thing, because some obviously don't and we are wholly incompatible, but they just target anyone that they like the look of, rather than women who they might actually get on well with.

[Mrlonelyone]

The profile is important in online dating not just the pictures.

 

As for hiding parts of yourself or trying to be too cute about things. I don't see the point in that. Just be yourself and the ones who you are compatible with will see that.

 

The ones that aren't NEXT! Then don't look back. There are too many options online.

 

Now in real life situations things are different.

[Disillusioned]

Didn't deserve a partner because you don't make $100K+? De-valueing your worth as a partner due to money. The height of shallowness.

 

That's their mentality. Professional matchmakers apparently believe they know better than their clients what the clients want, just because they have psych degrees.

[Mrlonelyone]

Well for the record... I have a date off of OKC for next Friday. Just a coffee. We'll see if she shows up.

 

I got that based on the profile that I posted here and had not yet altered based on the comments from LS which told me to lie and obfuscate about who I am or what I do.

 

We'll see how it works out. Though TBH...I am at the end of my rope when it comes to dating and I expect nothing.

[Macaw]

I got that based on the profile that I posted here and had not yet altered based on the comments from LS which told me to lie and obfuscate about who I am or what I do. .

 

Uh?

 

Did you forget a "not" there? Most comments told you to not lie or obfuscate anything about yourself.

[Mrlonelyone]

Macaw.... In that particular thread they told me not to say I was bisexual. They told me not to say I was bigendered. They told me not to say I was any kind of scientist.

 

Which the original profile said all of and which got me a date. So it does work.. Some women will find my profile interesting enough to at least write of a meet up. That's all I can ask for from an online dating profile.

[january2011]

My question is, do a lot of people take online dating as a joke? I see this more with women than men. I don't understand the point of setting up a profile, updating it regularly, getting in heavy contact with someone, and then just disappearing in the midst of messaging or flaking on dates. If you weren't interested in someone, wouldn't it make sense to just not respond to their initial email? A few years back when I set up my profile initially I never had any of these issues. Every person I got into heavy messaging with would keep messaging me, and every person I agreed to meet up with would meet up with me.

 

I did see it as a joke at first. Then I started getting into serious conversations with guys that I actually did want to date. When I got to a stage with someone where we agreed that we were serious about pursuing a relationship, I messaged the other guys I was in regular contact with and told them that I'd be taking my profile offline.

 

There was only one guy I ignored then blocked. This was before I decided to take my profile offline. I got a really weird vibe from him and he was really aggressive/needy/demanding about my slowdown in contact due mainly to my losing interest in him.

 

In terms of initial emails, I responded to every single one unless it looked like spam/a scam/or was overly sexual/aggressive in terms of language used.

 

As an aside, I didn't have any pictures on my profile. And I'm in an age range where my choices are potentially limited. Though apparently, because I'm a sane female, have never been married plus I don't have any children, I'm a fairly rarish breed in this age category when it comes to online dating.

 

Edited to add: I'm also not overweight nor a man - too big concerns, apparently, of men who use online dating sites.

Edited March 27, 2011 by january2011

[andrew-bkk]

As an aside, I didn't have any pictures on my profile. And I'm in an age range where my choices are potentially limited. Though apparently, because I'm a sane female, have never been married plus I don't have any children, I'm a fairly rarish breed in this age category when it comes to online dating

 

My guess is that you might be in the same age group as myself. I'm guessing that you are certainly over 30.

 

My major concerns would be that fact that you've never been married and have no children.

 

I don't wish to be rude, but I personally always avoid women like you.

[EasyHeart]

As an aside, I didn't have any pictures on my profile. And I'm in an age range where my choices are potentially limited. Though apparently, because I'm a sane female, have never been married plus I don't have any children, I'm a fairly rarish breed in this age category when it comes to online dating.

Sane females of any age are a very rare breed.

 

Jes sayin'.

[irc333]

Oh, definately, you'd be suprised how many men in the olden days that, if they did that today, they'd wind up with restraining orders slapped on them as soon as they showed up with those flowers. lol

 

 

What was "sweet and romantic" then, would be creepy and stalkerish now....in a sense, it's kind of a shame.

 

 

 

Exactly.

When I was in college I told my grandfather I had a crush on a girl in class, but was not sure how to approach her.

He said "That's easy. You follow her from school one day and find out where she lives. Then, you put on your 'sunday best', buy some flowers and show up at her doorstep to ask her out" He looked shocked when I told him nowadays that's called stalking and would likely never work. Talk about being taken for a creep, but that's how they dated in the 30's according to my late grandfather. You bring flowers to a date? Man, she's gonna think you are wierdo. A man just never knows what to do anymore...

[irc333]

You don't want to give out your number? You're pretty much defeating the purpose of dating.

 

I won't meet with a woman, unless I've spoken to them on the phone, otherwise, it's a dealbreaker.

 

Someone's going to have to take that risk at some point, and give out that number.

 

I was going to say, "Well, I can give you my number, and you could call me"

 

And you'd probably say, "Not if they have caller ID show up, then they can call me back." lol

 

Plus, plus a # is needed anyway, to make arrangements to meet for the date, like name of the place and location.

 

Do you give a guy your # if you met him at a friends party or something?

Dunno, just a pet peeve a mine if a woman won't give me her #. Most women online I DID meet, did give me their #, and didn't think twice about it.

 

 

 

 

I have to say I don't want to give my phone number. If I don't like you, you still have my number. I'd rather have bill collectors or my XMIL call me than some stranger I met thru an OLD, once given you can never get the number back. I know some people have a special trac phone just for OLD but I only intended to try for a month. I didn't want to make the investment. And I'd rather meet.

 

But I noticed the phenomenon of people being reluctant to meet.

[irc333]

Yeah, I often wondered of the shallowness that's reflected in dating (online or off), would also reflect in their relationships and/or marriages IF they ever wound up with someone...only to have it end a few years later.

 

If they're that way when seeking a mate, chances are, if they ever get married.....they're that way, too.

 

 

 

Didn't deserve a partner because you don't make $100K+? De-valueing your worth as a partner due to money. The height of shallowness. No wonder divorces are at 50%. Too many people think this way. The happiest I ever was was dirt poor, growing up in a small town. Now, I have a decent job, yet somehow I feel too many people see it as not good enough. Just remember, no matter how much money you make, someone will always make or appear to make more...It's best to screen out the gold diggers the best way you can?

I'm a pilot. I found if you put that in your profile, it's like tossing corn up from a park bench. Put in "transportation", and Zzzzzz. Like USCGaviator said, maybe I just need a better pic?..or spend more time in the grocery store...

[Leeway Harris]

My major concerns would be that fact that you've never been married and have no children.

 

I don't wish to be rude, but I personally always avoid women like you.

 

Huh?!? Is it that she's never been married, has no children, or a combination of the two? What if she'd been married, but doesn't have children? What if she'd had children, but never been married?

 

Sorry to ask, but this just seems bizarre. Unless you've been married and/or have children yourself and don't think somebody without either or both of those experiences would "get" you?

[irc333]

No offense to those who have been married, and those who don't have kids.

 

 

I figured it was common knowledge they'd be even in MORE demand, for obvious reasons of course.

 

 

Huh?!? Is it that she's never been married, has no children, or a combination of the two? What if she'd been married, but doesn't have children? What if she'd had children, but never been married?

 

Sorry to ask, but this just seems bizarre. Unless you've been married and/or have children yourself and don't think somebody without either or both of those experiences would "get" you?

[Mrlonelyone]

@irc333

 

All our communications technology has done is enable us to have even more ways to avoid eachother.

[irc333]

I find it ironic, how much money is wasted on technology for what you've just stated. lol

 

 

@irc333

 

All our communications technology has done is enable us to have even more ways to avoid eachother.

[ReturnToSender]

No offense to those who have been married, and those who don't have kids.

 

 

I figured it was common knowledge they'd be even in MORE demand, for obvious reasons of course.

 

As someone who is divorced and has one child...Im really curious what the obvious reasons are that makes me more in demand than a woman my age who hasnt.....

 

Its been a growing trend that many women concentrate on their education and careers before marrying and having kids. Most of my friends didnt start considering either until they came close to or hit their 30's...even though I didnt take that path, I admire those who did since well..thats the path I was planning to take before I got pregnant and married.

 

I wouldnt change that for anything, but with so many threads bashing (for lack of a better word) women who have kids or out of failed marriages, and that this a first Ive seen someone state the opposite, that theyd rather a woman like that..I am uber curious to know why a single mom is obviously in more demand.

 

Hey, anything that works in my favour and puts me in demand, Im down with lol Just clue me in how to use that to my advantage!

[andrew-bkk]

As someone who is divorced and has one child...Im really curious what the obvious reasons are that makes me more in demand than a woman my age who hasnt.....

 

Yep -- you're in demand.

 

I look for women in their mid-thirties or early forties. I look for women with experience of life. I look for evidence of (failed) relationships and I look for evidence of children.

 

Women in their mid-thirties (and older) who don't have children come across as women with issues. In real life, these issues could be discussed. But in an online dating scenario it's simply not worth the bother to ask questions such as......

 

1. why are you single.

2. why have you never been married.

3. why don't you have children.

 

The most normal thing in life is to form pair bonds and to reproduce. People who fail in this respect are invariably people with issues.

 

In simple English ............ AVOID.

[Mrlonelyone]

In short in online dating there are just SOOOO MANY PEOPLE. If one does not set up a number of more or less arbitrary filters they will be overwhelmed. While on the other hand one may filter out good people that is a calculated risk.

 

I have my filters and everyone who gets through my screens gets a message. Every day however I will message someone who does not just because... you never know.

 

andrew perhaps giving someone you might usually AVOID a chance every once in a while might not be a horrible idea? I'm just saying.

[irc333]

Well, sure, I suppose it's good they have some kind of experience in being a parent. However, I figured the issue here would be, as a single person (without kids) who tries to date another single parent....just runs into issues or things that cause a serious road bump.

 

I recall a woman about my age, mid 30's, never married, no kids, was dating and living with a man that had a 20 year old son, apparently his son called and saying he wanted move back home in college...she remembers this conversation over the phone, because she was doing the dishes.....and the father says, "sure, come on home, I'll clear set up your room".

 

Hangs up the phone, and never even considers conversing with his live-in girlfriend about how she felt about her b/f's son moving in with them.

 

Thus the problem...she left that relationship faster than a sinking rock after that event. (Of course, this is just one example of many though.)

 

Then there's the "Brady Bunch" situation...there are, suprisingly.....single parents who have kids, that will NOT date ANOTHER single parent with kids....they say, "I don't want to wind up like the Brady Bunch"

 

Or let's say a single parent has kids that are 18/19 years old...they've done their child raising, however, if they meet a single parent (of the same age) that has little kids as children.....that can be a deal breaker for the other single parent.

 

 

 

 

Yep -- you're in demand.

 

I look for women in their mid-thirties or early forties. I look for women with experience of life. I look for evidence of (failed) relationships and I look for evidence of children.

 

Women in their mid-thirties (and older) who don't have children come across as women with issues. In real life, these issues could be discussed. But in an online dating scenario it's simply not worth the bother to ask questions such as......

 

1. why are you single.

2. why have you never been married.

3. why don't you have children.

 

The most normal thing in life is to form pair bonds and to reproduce. People who fail in this respect are invariably people with issues.

 

In simple English ............ AVOID.

[irc333]

The most normal thing in life is to form pair bonds and to reproduce. People who fail in this respect are invariably people with issues.

 

In simple English ............ AVOID.

 

This post deserves the "Most Moronic Post" of the year award. This wouldn't make sense to avoid the, it would just perpetuate the situation they're in now

 

Kind of like trying to get credit, when you don't have credit.

 

 

I think personally, people who have never been married and have no kids, would be more compatible with the same thing, and same with single parents with single parents.

 

Though, I would entertain dating a single parent depending on the situation

 

The age of the children

 

**BIGGIE - the behavior of the children and one's ideas on how they should be raised, gosh forbid if I yell at her child who keyed my car

 

Few other things I can't remember now.

Edited March 27, 2011 by irc333

[andrew-bkk]

This post deserves the "Most Moronic Post" of the year award.

 

My guess is that you are a desperate woman in her thirties who's never been married and has no children.

 

Never mind! One day you will learn.

[january2011]

We're allowed to have preferences when we date. Even if those preferences seem irrational to others. I'm not going to lose sleep over one less guy in my dating pool or the irrationality of online strangers.

[irc333]

No, chances are, a desperate woman would've already been married.

 

My guess is that you are a desperate woman in her thirties who's never been married and has no children.

 

Never mind! One day you will learn.