yessy21 Posted March 25, 2011 Share Posted March 25, 2011 There's a fine line between caring too little and caring too much. I spent a good amount of time on my profile, but at the moment I'm really only into casual dating and seeing where it goes from there. I throw some humor into my profile, but not as a joke, but I also don't go to the other extreme where I talk about finding my perfect soul mate. HMMM. then u have a so to speak well interpreted profile. Maybe u caught them at a wrong time. theyre probrably multi dating. and they get a little racked up with messages and dates. i mean... it could happen. Link to post Share on other sites
EyesWideOpen Posted March 25, 2011 Share Posted March 25, 2011 Online dating can work. I met my BF on an online dating website (a free one at that), and we've been together for over a year. I really couldn't ask for a better match. Here's hoping it continues! Anyways, things to be aware of: First...bear in mind that there are TONS of guys to girls. My BF told me that girls initiated maybe two or three messages during the time he spent on the site. I was dumbfounded, because I was used to getting literally dozens of messages per day. I couldn't keep up with conversation with that many people, so a lot of people got the standard cliche "you seem nice, but I'm just not interested. Sorry and good luck". The difference between the guys who got that and got an actual conversation had everything to do with 1) their profile, and 2) their initial contact. First impressions count. And while he did usually get a response when he initiated contact, I can honestly say that his profile was top notch. And it has relatively little to do with looks! In my case, I intentionally put up a picture that revealed nothing about my face/weight/etc. Not out of shame, but because I didn't want someone to date me BECAUSE of my looks. Likewise, he put up somewhat undetailed photos. You couldn't really get much of a sense of what he looked like without meeting him. It's ALL about content. If you're not even getting a response from women (or getting a quick brush off), chances are there's something in your profile that just isn't making the cut. Especially compared to the other dozens of guys spamming her inbox. By all means...don't ever lie. But edit well. Link to post Share on other sites
kalikula Posted March 25, 2011 Share Posted March 25, 2011 Personally, I occasionally try a dating site. Usually I find that it has the same exact people on it had a year ago - jeez! And no one I'm particularly interested in. So I'll talk to a few people maybe, but often times I get busy with *real* life or meet someone outside the internet, and then lose interest in the whole dating site thing. I guess I just feel like I don't take it too seriously if I chat with someone a few times.. And usually I realize I don't think we'll hit it off so I decide I have no interest in meeting them or continuing the conversation really. It's not a "joke" but you can't take it too seriously. Link to post Share on other sites
yessy21 Posted March 25, 2011 Share Posted March 25, 2011 The difference between the guys who got that and got an actual conversation had everything to do with 1) their profile, and 2) their initial contact. First impressions count. correct. when a guy contacts me and just says whats up. i dont bother to answer back or anything. or hey or hi. i appreciate it when they say something other than how r u? Link to post Share on other sites
MarlyStar Posted March 25, 2011 Share Posted March 25, 2011 Well, not only that, but I'm discovering unattached people OR people who are "on the outs" with their current sig. other....like they get into a big fight, and the woman is crying and putting up a personal ad. 2 weeks later they kiss and make up, leaving every guy she's corresponded with online in wonderment. lol Similar to how many 'single' men there are. A lot of men are looking for something on the side. If you were to drop all the married men and men looking for 'discreet' friendships even on pay sites like match (and I bet it's worse on free sites). Most tend to disappear when you try to arrange a meet n' greet. Some actually agree to meet, then you say, "So what's your #?" then they ignore you. I have to say I don't want to give my phone number. If I don't like you, you still have my number. I'd rather have bill collectors or my XMIL call me than some stranger I met thru an OLD, once given you can never get the number back. I know some people have a special trac phone just for OLD but I only intended to try for a month. I didn't want to make the investment. And I'd rather meet. But I noticed the phenomenon of people being reluctant to meet. Link to post Share on other sites
oaks Posted March 26, 2011 Share Posted March 26, 2011 Anyway, off to meet someone tonight, who hopefully doesn't meet that description! Well she didn't flake. Very late, but she let me know. Gorgeous, but I don't think she liked me. Link to post Share on other sites
Leeway Harris Posted March 26, 2011 Share Posted March 26, 2011 It's ALL about content. If you're not even getting a response from women (or getting a quick brush off), chances are there's something in your profile that just isn't making the cut. EyesWideOpen, please don't be offended by what I'm about to post, it's not personal, and I'm sure you're only trying to help. Gentlemen, do not do this. You will drive yourself crazy wondering what is wrong with your profile that's making women ignore you. You will NEVER figure it out, and besides, it's like NG85 said, the reason a woman doesn't write you back could be as arbitrary as you liking Lord of the Rings. You will never have a profile that doesn't turn somebody off. Suppose you make a joke in your profile about... I don't know, let's say techno music. A woman passes you over because she loves techno music. So you take it out. The next woman passes you over because there's not enough humor in your profile. So you put the techno music joke back in, with an explanatory note saying that you like techno music just fine, and no disrespect to people who like any particular kind of music. The next woman passes you over because you're too wishy-washy about your taste in music. So you take out all references to techno music and replace them with your real passion, let's say... big band music of the 40's. The next woman passes you over because she thinks big band music is lame. You see? It never ends. Maybe ask the advice of one or two people, preferably women, that you trust and then stick to the profile you have. You will not get a lot of responses, nobody does. But don't wrack your brain trying to figure out how to change your profile, because that way lies madness. And, if you take out every single thing that could possibly turn off any woman anywhere, you end up with a profile that's completely... blah. Then that will be the reason nobody's writing you back, instead of any of the thirty million other reasons it could be. Link to post Share on other sites
Disillusioned Posted March 26, 2011 Share Posted March 26, 2011 It's already happened actually, it was either Match.com or Yahoo personals....apparently, they were hiring people to put up fake profiles and contact men when the men's subscriptions were about to expire.....try to bait them in for another month, suck them in....and then when the guy would sign back on to correspond with the lady, the profile would be deleted. Yep, I remember the best-known of those: the Autumn Marzec case. However, from an OLDS operator's perspective, it would be much easier to hire ghostwriters. Especially with this lousy job market. Plenty of laid-off guys are willing to make a few bucks "off the books" by stealing online photos of women and making up fake profiles to go with them. Link to post Share on other sites
Disillusioned Posted March 26, 2011 Share Posted March 26, 2011 Check this out if you think I'm kidding: http://www.onlinepersonalswatch.com/news/2010/03/owner-of-online-dating-site-arrested-for-fraud.html What gets me is the guy was only ordered to pay back less than a third of the $$ he wheedled. The other 2/3+ is probably collecting interest in a Cayman Islands account and will be waiting for him when he gets out of the clink. Bastard. Link to post Share on other sites
OliveOyl Posted March 26, 2011 Share Posted March 26, 2011 I have a confession to make, which will lead to an observation and possible advice for some guys who are online dating. I got very few responses from my online profile, and no new responses in the last week or two (there are a couple of potential "deal breakers" listed at the top of my profile, and I'm outside the age range and race that a lot of guys are looking for). My confession is, because I'd heard of how supposedly most women are totally inundated with responses, I was curious what the responses were like for a more "typical" female (white, younger, no kids). So I created a fake profile I'll call "Misty" that I put up for three days. After three days I took it down. It was a one-time experiment. I hate lying/misleading even if "Misty" didn't respond to people. The surprising thing was even though "Misty" definitely got more responses, the ratio of decent responses was far lower. In fact she received maybe one halfway decent response out of around 20 responses she received. Half were winks with very short messages "Hey cutie!". Personally I don't think winks are effective at all. A few of the other guys asked to call or meet right away without any previous message exchange. One gave out his number and asked her to call "right now." Now for my real profile, even though I didn't get many responses, I did get a couple of decent ones. What I call decent is more than two short sentences, some indication that the person actually looked at my profile, and ideally a question (other than "wanna meet?") that invites a response. In fact, the initial message could even be pre-written form letter except for one tailored question or comment, and that would be fine. Just as long as it has proper spelling and grammar. Top it off with a bit of humor, and it stands far apart from the majority of responses received. Personally I would and will respond to every "decent" message even if the person didn't look like a match. Link to post Share on other sites
persevere Posted March 26, 2011 Share Posted March 26, 2011 (edited) It's not that online dating is a joke. It's just that so many people treat it as such. In the old days, you met someone face to face and, perhaps over time built up a bit of a rapport at work, school, etc. Then you asked them out. We are in an age of instant gratification now. The slightest 'infraction' and click..closed, stood up, lied to, games... On to the next victim. It can be overwhelming and extremely frustrating and wholly impersonal. It's easy to get jaded. People feel they have so little invested that they have nothing to lose by just moving on. Everyone is shopping. Few are buying. At some point, those of us who are serious about finding a mate need to accept that not everyone is perfect. Online dating seems to create an endless search for perfection. Edited March 26, 2011 by persevere Link to post Share on other sites
Disillusioned Posted March 26, 2011 Share Posted March 26, 2011 Online dating seems to create an endless search for perfection. People in the industry call it a "warehouse mentality". It doesn't work so hot for online dating... but it worked wonders when I ordered the traits on my Realdoll. ;-D Link to post Share on other sites
irc333 Posted March 26, 2011 Share Posted March 26, 2011 Exactly, people tend to "amp UP" their standards furthering their expectations in a mate to be unrealistic. The "kid in the candy store" mentality. It might even make a normally picky person to even be more picky. lol People in the industry call it a "warehouse mentality". It doesn't work so hot for online dating... but it worked wonders when I ordered the traits on my Realdoll. ;-D Link to post Share on other sites
Mrlonelyone Posted March 26, 2011 Share Posted March 26, 2011 It's not that online dating is a joke. It's just that so many people treat it as such. In the old days, you met someone face to face and, perhaps over time built up a bit of a rapport at work, school, etc. Then you asked them out. We are in an age of instant gratification now. The slightest 'infraction' and click..closed, stood up, lied to, games... On to the next victim. This is soo very true. My parents talk about how I should keep trying to be friends first get to know them then ask them out. Look at all the threads saying that doing just that either never works or is somehow dishonest or creepy or whatever. Link to post Share on other sites
persevere Posted March 26, 2011 Share Posted March 26, 2011 Exactly. When I was in college I told my grandfather I had a crush on a girl in class, but was not sure how to approach her. He said "That's easy. You follow her from school one day and find out where she lives. Then, you put on your 'sunday best', buy some flowers and show up at her doorstep to ask her out" He looked shocked when I told him nowadays that's called stalking and would likely never work. Talk about being taken for a creep, but that's how they dated in the 30's according to my late grandfather. You bring flowers to a date? Man, she's gonna think you are wierdo. A man just never knows what to do anymore... Link to post Share on other sites
Mrlonelyone Posted March 26, 2011 Share Posted March 26, 2011 persevere Too true. Look at where we are now. Now if you look someone up in the phone book and give them a call your a weirdo. If you call a girl instead of sending a text ...your going too fast. I say whatever. I'm gonna do what I feel is right and if the woman isn't receptive then NEXT! I'm not even going to dwell on it. Link to post Share on other sites
ReturnToSender Posted March 26, 2011 Share Posted March 26, 2011 (edited) I have a couple of online dating profiles... one on eHarmony and one on AFF. I actually get more interesting/real/serious responses off AFF than I do eHarmony. Also, I met one of my best friends on AFF 6 years ago... Anyway, eHarmony is pretty dead for me right now..though I have a ton of matches, most of them it would seem dont have a subscription, obvious from the really lame profile (no picture, next to empty profile info). AFF on the other hand is going okay...its where I met the guy I went on a date with a few days ago afterall... I delete and block one-liner emails, emails with just a phone number, or anything raunchy off the bat. Yes its AFF, doesnt mean I want to meet a guy whos going to be a jerk about it...and there are plenty more guys who are very sweet and respectful, so the rest are a no go. And I definitely would not allow something like that to slide on a conventional dating site. I have to admit, after my date a couple days ago, which seemed to go *great* I havnt heard back from him He did say he was going out of town though so Im hoping when he gets back on Mon he will get back to me. I also have to say, ever since that date, Ive not logged back into the site to respond to the handful of guys I was corresponding with... The high from that date is starting to wear off though and Ill probably get back in the game. But Im very sure that over these past few days, Ive left a few guys confused as to where I went...I wasnt and am no game playing though...and for sure when I lose interest or dont want to go further, I send a quick message letting the guy know instead of falling off the face of the earth...it just seems like the nicer thing to do, and depending on if the guy handles it with grace or not, can leave the door open for something to happen in the future. Anyway...is not anything to dwell on either way I dont feel. Online or in person, in the very beginning stages, not enough emotional investment is in place to stress over someone too hard. Question though...Ive also tried POF and OKC, both were completely horrible for me....and Im considering doing away with eHarmony too. I thought about Match at one time but forget the reason I opted against it... Anyone have any suggestions for me? Edited March 26, 2011 by ReturnToSender Link to post Share on other sites
nezbo Posted March 26, 2011 Share Posted March 26, 2011 I've had more luck with girls on non-dating social networking sites than dating sites. I joined up to a couple, found the whole process of making a profile with the obvious intention to attract dates to be kinda degrading. Messaged a bunch of girls with what I thought was a good enough friendly ice-breaker, never made any worthwhile connections. I dont think 'my type' of girls are to be found on dating sites. Link to post Share on other sites
persevere Posted March 26, 2011 Share Posted March 26, 2011 (edited) found the whole process of making a profile with the obvious intention to attract dates to be kinda degrading I definitely see your point. I mean, they all ask you your income. Would I go up to a woman in a restaurant and say "Hi, I make X salary a year". In many ways on these profiles, it's too personal, too quickly. Also, they ask your occupation. Again, why should this matter? What should matter is if you are a good person, with good values that can mesh with another. I say whatever. I'm gonna do what I feel is right and if the woman isn't receptive then NEXT! I'm not even going to dwell on it. So true Mrlonelyone. That's the way to be... It's so easy to analyze what you may have done wrong, etc. You can't worry about it. Edited March 26, 2011 by persevere Link to post Share on other sites
Disillusioned Posted March 26, 2011 Share Posted March 26, 2011 I definitely see your point. I mean, they all ask you your income. Would I go up to a woman in a restaurant and say "Hi, I make X salary a year". In many ways on these profiles, it's too personal, too quickly. Also, they ask your occupation. Again, why should this matter? Believe it or not, a few years ago some hoity-toity professional matchmaker told me to my face that I don't deserve a partner because I don't have at least a 6-digit annual income. I wondered how that woman stayed in business. Link to post Share on other sites
USCGAviator Posted March 26, 2011 Share Posted March 26, 2011 Your profile is the last thing most women care about. Pictures is number 1. If you take great photos your a shoe in for many dates. You can't get any more shallow than online dating. Link to post Share on other sites
persevere Posted March 26, 2011 Share Posted March 26, 2011 Believe it or not, a few years ago some hoity-toity professional matchmaker told me to my face that I don't deserve a partner because I don't have at least a 6-digit annual income. I wondered how that woman stayed in business. Didn't deserve a partner because you don't make $100K+? De-valueing your worth as a partner due to money. The height of shallowness. No wonder divorces are at 50%. Too many people think this way. The happiest I ever was was dirt poor, growing up in a small town. Now, I have a decent job, yet somehow I feel too many people see it as not good enough. Just remember, no matter how much money you make, someone will always make or appear to make more...It's best to screen out the gold diggers the best way you can? I'm a pilot. I found if you put that in your profile, it's like tossing corn up from a park bench. Put in "transportation", and Zzzzzz. Like USCGaviator said, maybe I just need a better pic?..or spend more time in the grocery store... Link to post Share on other sites
ReturnToSender Posted March 26, 2011 Share Posted March 26, 2011 Your profile is the last thing most women care about. Pictures is number 1. If you take great photos your a shoe in for many dates. You can't get any more shallow than online dating. Not true...at least not for me and Im sure Im not alone in this. I take the time to write a thoughtful profile because it matters to me to meet someone, and no matter how drop dead gorgeous a guy appears in his photo, if his profile is thoughtlessly written, very angry or negative I will pass... A guy has to be able to do more than sit there and look good for me to take him seriously... Link to post Share on other sites
Macaw Posted March 26, 2011 Share Posted March 26, 2011 Your profile is the last thing most women care about. Pictures is number 1. If you take great photos your a shoe in for many dates. You can't get any more shallow than online dating. You got it half right. Pictures are indeed #1. Your profile is #2. Link to post Share on other sites
OliveOyl Posted March 26, 2011 Share Posted March 26, 2011 Not true...at least not for me and Im sure Im not alone in this. I take the time to write a thoughtful profile because it matters to me to meet someone, and no matter how drop dead gorgeous a guy appears in his photo, if his profile is thoughtlessly written, very angry or negative I will pass... A guy has to be able to do more than sit there and look good for me to take him seriously... Agreed. One can refuse to state one's income and/or profession. My first online date did that and it didn't affect my wanting to chat and meet. Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts