_For those who can't get dates in their late 20s, 30s and 40s

[Esoteric Elf]

Can you "give up" if you never have started?

[DollWelch]

Can you "give up" if you never have started?

Yes. I am a living example of this. Sometimes settling may be the best decision you will ever make for yourself. It is quite odd now that I think about it, because I am woman, and it is nearly unheard of a woman settling let alone giving up.

 

You hear about women having several different men chasing her, but no, not most women. Some women perhaps experience this, but not all; especially attractive women. Lonely attractive women do exist, and it saddens me.

[FredRutherford]

You hear about women having several different men chasing her, but no, not most women.

 

You're right. Many women don't find a lot of men chasing them.

Unfortunately, the ones I wanted in college, but was too shy to really do anything about it, they did have "other opportunities" which didn't include me

Some women perhaps experience this, but not all; especially attractive women. Lonely attractive women do exist, and it saddens me.

 

Though she dated after a breakup with her fiance @21, my wife, for example, never had guys chasin' her... and never got into any long term relationships... for like 10 years... until we met

 

She dated, but nothing came out of it (thankfully, for me )

 

So, yes, there are women, even attractive women, who don't get chased.

[FredRutherford]

***Bumping *** (again)

 

Plan to add some other material, some information regarding a guy in his late 20s who's almost given-up on trying to get a date.

Here's a Facebook interaction I had with a guy who's 27, never dated nor kissed a girl and feeling pretty desperate:

 

HIM: is glad this boy's not in a relationship.

So I don't have to put up with every day BS and heartaches.

 

Fred-Clarence Lumpy Rutherford:

that's like saying "...I don't want a job bec. I'll have to pay taxes..." relationships come with differences, but like the others say, if you find the right person, you won't likely experience such crap.

 

HIM: spends all his time playing computer games as a temporary escape from the sad reality of loneliness.

Fred-Clarence Lumpy Rutherford:

I think you're selling yourself short. There are women out there that would like a guy like you.... You just haven't met her yet...

 

HIM: I know I'll never find a woman in the world that would be interested in him because I'll never be good enough and knows I have nothing to offer.

 

Fred-Clarence Lumpy Rutherford:

You're not even 30 yet... you don't know what's gonna happen in a couple of years... not even who you may meet tomorrow

 

HIM: There is no one out there for me. I know there will never will be.

Fred-Clarence Lumpy Rutherford:

How do you know that?

Are you God?

 

HIM: I know all this by my circumstances. God could but he won't provide me a companion. He never will.

 

HIM: I'm 28 years old going on 30. I'm living with my parents.

I don't have a job. No one wants to hire me.

What do I have to offer a woman?

Why would any woman want to be with me? They want a man to take care of them and to have security. That's how I know.

 

Fred-Clarence Lumpy Rutherford:

I was real shy & timid around women, too, man. I had to work-up some courage to ask them out, even @church singles groups.

But you can do it, too.

Just get your career straightened out, go to college (if you need to) & get on your way to improving your life.

Once you're en route, you can then start to date.

 

HIM: If I could change my circumstances, I would have done that a long time ago.

 

Fred-Clarence Lumpy Rutherford:

get your career situation straightened out. Go to college. Get a better job, get that used car. THEN worry about dating....

 

HIM: The hell with it all. I give up.

 

Fred-Clarence Lumpy Rutherford:

I was kind of like you @ one time... didn't do well at all in dating through all my 20s... but made some changes & began to date a lot more in my late 20s. Shortly after I turned 30, met my future wife through a blind date. Don't dispair. Within 3-4 years, you could be (a) dating more, (b) in an exclusive dating relationship or © engaged. 3-4 yrs. really isn't that long a time and many people find their loves in their 30s...

Edited March 6, 2013 by FredRutherford

[Floridaman]

*** bumping to update and reopen thread...

[StanMusial]

I found it very hard to find any women near my age (mid to upper 30's) that were even single or were suitable for me. I didn't really want to date anyone much younger or older either but when I met my current gf (26) things sort of clicked into place.

[FredRutherford]

@Floridaman

 

You're a good man. Your posts are really spot on.

 

 

 

I do have one question. Well, I am really intrigued by a person I barely know, and there seems to be a sort of chemistry between us.

 

I only see her on the bus back from uni to my apartment.

We exchange smiles and glances, but I really am not sure how to make it a bit more of a concrete established interaction.

 

I would most definitely ask her out for coffee, but there's the ambiguity of everything hanging in there (Maybe she has a BF, you know?).

Being an introverted individual (not shy, I'm confident, very introspective), I am not exactly sure what to do. I thought its either gently approach her and inquire, or give her a sweet note. Either a good idea? Thanks for reading.

 

Next time you see her, go over to her, "Hey you're always on the same bus as me." She might smile or laugh and that's it. Say bye to her when either of you gets off.

 

Next time you see her say hi. If she reacts positively ask her if she's done for the day.

If she seems open to talk ask her what she had that day and let the conversation flow. The next time you see her you can ask her out or just talk to her again.

 

That's pretty much the steps I did to ask out a girl I only saw on the bus. Once I got to know her she turned out to be pretty cool and we had several things in common.

 

So I told her, "Hey you're pretty cool, lets go get some lunch there's a restaruant at the stop after yours."

 

"Oh I'm sorry, I'm going to a friends house and he's waiting for me."

 

And I knew it was over with her. But it can work.

Somedude,

Meant to comment on this earlier.

 

That's very good advice, sir.

 

One thing I'd recommend, though, is to not give-up if she tells you she has other plans.

That could be the case. Of course, it could be just a line as she's not really interested in the guy.

 

But... as we know in job searching... persistence pays.

A job seeker shouldn't only rely on the resume he/she sent to the company.

Follow-up calls and communication are sometimes wise.

 

I'd try one more time with that gal on the bus.

 

It won't hurt you to keep pursing. Keep engaging her in conversation.

If you find some interest you share, work in an invitation to do that activity (concert, arts festival, wine tasting event, community fair, etc) the upcoming weekend.

Make the invitation naturally flow into the conversation.

 

If it isn't an activity, but an interest you share or even if you don't know anything about that interest, tell her "I'm interested in that too. I'd like to talk more about this with you over dinner (or lunch, or coffee) this weekend...."

 

If she gives another excuse, or is always busy, then best to move on.

Edited May 13, 2013 by FredRutherford

[hppr]

females have no sympathy for males who are late bloomers. neither do males who have it easy.

 

I've found the opposite, guys who have it easy love taking late-bloomer types under their wing and getting them girls. If you are talking about the guys on these forums who talk about how they know everything about women, or tease you for being the 'bitter brigade' or whatever, I highly doubt those guys are getting lots of women or 'have it easy'. But yes being a late-bloomer can be tough depending on your age, if you are around 30 then women are going to want you to be ready, NOW, for the settle-down thing, and you won't be...

[jma500]

No woman i have ever known or spoken to has ever been nasty, rude, or called me a creep and yet i have never approached a woman. I can't imagine anything good coming of it. Poor mindset i guess.

[jma500]

Maybe they talked behind your back.

 

Huh? Did you actually read the text? I have never been mistreated by women. The women i have known i was either introduced to, worked with, went to college with, etc. I never had to approach any of them. Which was/is good because i can see nothing good coming from approaching women. I don't know why i think this way, i just do

[ChessPieceFace]

when a man admits to being a late bloomer, it goes like this.

 

35 y/o man: I have an admission to make. i'm still a virgin.

woman: (confused weird look, says nothing)

man: is that ok?

woman: that's too much of a burden for me to bear. i'm sorry.

man: please give me a chance.

woman: i'm sorry.

 

she gets up and leaves and that's the last he sees of her.

 

Then he's lucky to be rid of her.

[FredRutherford]

Originally Posted by yellow apple

when a man admits to being a late bloomer, it goes like this.

 

35 y/o man: I have an admission to make. i'm still a virgin.

woman: (confused weird look, says nothing)

man: is that ok?

woman: that's too much of a burden for me to bear. i'm sorry.

man: please give me a chance.

woman: i'm sorry.

 

she gets up and leaves and that's the last he sees of her.

Then he's lucky to be rid of her.

 

so lucky that the situation repeats and eventually he's a 50 year old virgin.

Hey, this 'taint funny.

It shows you the unfairness of some women.... and the critical mistakes many make, the ones who overlook the "good guys" in their midst and go for the wrong type of guys.

 

So it's so "weird" a guy hasn't been with a woman by 35?

Would they prefer a man who's nailed every gal he dated?

 

Are these women so much "better" and "superior" to someone who's lived sexually responsibly?

 

Shows us a lot about those types of women.

 

It's comparable to many men overlooking or passing-over the "homely" or "average" girl when they may get a far better deal from the "regular" gals, imo.

[FredRutherford]

No woman i have ever known or spoken to has ever been nasty, rude, or called me a creep and yet i have never approached a woman. I can't imagine anything good coming of it. Poor mindset i guess.

Lemmee ask... how old are you?

 

 

I have never been mistreated by women. The women i have known i was either introduced to, worked with, went to college with, etc. I never had to approach any of them. Which was/is good because i can see nothing good coming from approaching women. I don't know why i think this way, i just do

 

Why don't you approach women?

 

Yes, it's a risk but the potential rewards far outweigh any small or temporary nicks to your ego, should the gal turn you down, which of course is inevitable for most of us.

 

I began approaching women and making "cold calls" around 26.

One was a gal I met at a church singles group. That led to a 6 month relationship which ALMOST led to engagement.

 

Another led to a 1.5 year dating relationship.

 

Asked other women out in between those 2.

 

In the latter, was in grad school and saw a woman sitting in the chairs between classes one night.

Thought to myself, I gotta go up to her.

Something in me was urging me to make a move and initiate conversation.

 

So approached her. Sat next to her and began asking her questions, like why she was there, what she was studying, what she liked about it, etc.

Worked into the conversation a dinner invitation that next weekend.

She accepted.

 

Now, it was a risk.

She could've said she wasn't interested, or "had just gotten out of a relationship," or was in a relationship or a million other reasons/ excuses.

 

But.. it was well worth the risk.

If she'd said no, it wouldn't have been a biggie.

Would've moved on and tried someone else.

 

At 27-28, was tired of not doing well in relationships, so was deliberately trying to meet and interact with more women, as difficult as that was for me and "cold calls" weren't that appealing to me.

 

I've been where you are.

Please... think about how you might improve your chances by beginning to approach women.

It could reap good rewards.

[jma500]

Lemmee ask... how old are you?

 

 

 

 

Why don't you approach women?

 

Yes, it's a risk but the potential rewards far outweigh any small or temporary nicks to your ego, should the gal turn you down, which of course is inevitable for most of us.

 

I began approaching women and making "cold calls" around 26.

One was a gal I met at a church singles group. That led to a 6 month relationship which ALMOST led to engagement.

 

Another led to a 1.5 year dating relationship.

 

Asked other women out in between those 2.

 

In the latter, was in grad school and saw a woman sitting in the chairs between classes one night.

Thought to myself, I gotta go up to her.

Something in me was urging me to make a move and initiate conversation.

 

So approached her. Sat next to her and began asking her questions, like why she was there, what she was studying, what she liked about it, etc.

Worked into the conversation a dinner invitation that next weekend.

She accepted.

 

Now, it was a risk.

She could've said she wasn't interested, or "had just gotten out of a relationship," or was in a relationship or a million other reasons/ excuses.

 

But.. it was well worth the risk.

If she'd said no, it wouldn't have been a biggie.

Would've moved on and tried someone else.

 

At 27-28, was tired of not doing well in relationships, so was deliberately trying to meet and interact with more women, as difficult as that was for me and "cold calls" weren't that appealing to me.

 

I've been where you are.

Please... think aboust how you might improve your chances by beginning to approach women.

It could reap good rewards.

 

I am 44.

Beyond a shadow of doubt i am not the type of guy women want approaching them. In all my years i have never approached one single woman ever. My first post explains how i was basically thrown together with women and those women came to like me a lot. Yet, had i approached them i can't imagine the result being anything but negative and i wouldn't have had the women friends i did.

[ChessPieceFace]

so lucky that the situation repeats and eventually he's a 50 year old virgin.

 

Absurd. You inventing failure in your mind does make it real, but only for YOU. If you insist on giving up before you legitimately try, whining about failures you craft in your mind before they happen, of course that's what you'll get, and you deserve it. And if you have indeed tried and been rejected by this endless stream of hundreds of women, it was because of your negative personality.

 

It's one thing to generalize. Generalizations can be useful, negative ones included. I could sit here and state quite a lot of negative generalizations about western women. But there's a bit leap between generalizing, and making the claim that "it's true of every woman" and "there's no hope waaaaaahhhhhhhhhh."

 

I'm so fed up with people who have no perspective, who not only give up on trying by equating disadvantage with zero chance, but then inflicting it on me and others reading this forum.

 

HEY, how about changing the women you're approaching. There's lots of Christian women who would actually VALUE virginity and be much more open to it and understanding about it. If all you're doing is chasing after bar sluts, awkwardly blurting out your virgin status, GEE I wonder why that's not working out for you??

[FredRutherford]

HEY, how about changing the women you're approaching.

 

There's lots of Christian women who would actually VALUE virginity and be much more open to it and understanding about it. If all you're doing is chasing after bar sluts, awkwardly blurting out your virgin status, GEE I wonder why that's not working out for you??

 

Well-stated.

While many/ some of those Christian women may not be virgins themselves, many won't likely have a lot of experience, and would certainly welcome guys that didn't go from girl to girl.

That's one reason I recommend guys in their late 20s and up get involved in church singles groups.

They're more likely to meet a better breed of girl there.

 

Get this: also encountered women in their late 20s and 30s who were still virgins, so that's another element. It's not as rare as some may thing.

These weren't "homely" girls either... Professionals, like teachers.

 

Another tip:

If you're getting close to your 30s, best to avoid the young 20-somethings, who have many more options.

In my late 20s, I "aimed up," and deliberately went for women a little older than me.

Something told me women in their 30s would be more interested in a relationship, which I so desperately wanted then (and found, in my early 30s).

 

Now, not all women are the same, but I found older Christian women more willing to get into relationships.

And yes, none of them belittled me or tried to make me "feel low" about my relative lack of experience, compared to many other guys who nailed many women.

When I got to that intimate stage with my future wife, it never came up.

So don't feel intimidated if you don't have a lot of experience.

Many women value that in a man.

Edited May 18, 2013 by FredRutherford

[Floridaman]

*** bumping *** to reactivate

[FredRutherford]

This was from some time back, but want to motivate some of you by the good thoughts expressed by the OP.

 

The advice provided by this poster, who relates from a Catholic standpoint, might help some of you:

LoveShack.org Community Forums - View Single Post - Action plan for someone who has never dated

 

You have to approach a woman as a man, and not try to be her friend. Make your interest clear right away.

 

You do not want to try to be her friend, see how things develop, or wait to ask her out. Guys that have posted on this say they've found thattrying to be friends first or letting things develop rarely works for them, even in the most devout religious circles.

 

If a woman doesn't sense interest from a guy pretty early, she feels like she's not attractive to her and it feels kinda offensive, so I read.

 

______________________________________________________________

QUOTE:

I did do some reading of the pickup artists and others who talk about “game”. I won't say that they have nothing useful to think about, but in general given my overall life philosophy I didn't find their thinking too useful. It may well work great for casual pickups and sex, but for finding the love of your life it may actually be counterproductive or at least not that useful.

 

They do have some useful ideas which I'll briefly describe.

 

You have to keep trying persistently. You have to approach a number of women.

 

The right amount of physical touch is good, not too much but definitely not too little either.

 

In Catholic circles here is the progression I use.

 

First date: 2-3 touches on the shoulder or arm.

If she's wearing a ring, hold her hand while “looking at the ring” for a minute and ask her about it. Hug at the end.

 

Second date: set up an opportunity to put your arm around her for a while in a natural situation.

Kiss her at the end if she seems receptive. Otherwise, kiss on the third date. Continue to go forward from there as far as you feel you can in good conscience.

 

You have to approach a woman as a man, and not try to be her friend.

 

Make your interest clear right away.

 

 

For example, a few weeks ago I met a woman at a church picnic. I talked to her for 15 minutes and she seemed interested, so I asked if she would like to have coffee and got her number.

 

At the coffee date, I talked to her for 45 minutes and again she seemed interested, so I just told her point blank something along the lines of “hopefully it was clear this is a date. I'm interested in you. I think you are beautiful. You have probably already decided if you are interested in me. What do you think about me?” I didn't of course use that phrasing but that was the essence. She seemed to like this very well. We had a great second date the next week and are planning for a third date soon.

 

Notice that I did not try to be her friend, see how things develop, or wait to ask her out.

I have found that trying to be friends first or letting things develop rarely works for me, even in the most devout Catholic circles.

 

When you make a verbal move like that, it is key I think to do it with a sense of non-attachment to the outcome. You are interested but not too much.

 

You would like to date her, but if she doesn't want to it's not a big deal.

You have to get to a place in your life where that's really true and you're not just putting on an act. That mental attitude more than the words you use is what makes it effective.

END QUOTE

[Floridaman]

*** bumped to re-open for a friend ***

[FredRutherford]

How are some of you guys doing lately?

Hope you're getting out & going on dates.

Let's hear some success stories, if you have some to share.

[Floridaman]

*** bumping to keep open ***

 

There's advice I wanna give a Facebook friend.

Perhaps some of you could chime-in, should he post here.

 

How are you guys ( 'n gals ) doing?

Any success stories?

 

If none. that's something we can work on !!

[fortyninethousand322]

It's nice when this thread pops up every now and then.

 

No progress to report. Still never even kissed a girl. But I'm glad you're fighting the good fight.

[Dalston]

This is an interesting thread. I read through several pages - lots of guys in their early- to mid-20s.

 

 

I'm about 40. I'm single again after three LTRs over the past 10 years. I'm a single dad and have my son with me part time. Otherwise, my lifestyle is identical to my lifestyle at aged 23. I'm looking, I'm trying to date, it's not easy.

 

 

In my 40-year-old wisdom:

 

 

The culture of dating and sexuality is stupid. Now there are two slices to that culture: (1) Finding someone to have a life and children with, if you are so inclined, (2) Dating, having fun, hooking up, getting to know people, being open. I am going to leave point (1) alone for now and focus on point (2). Compare it with casual tennis-playing at a club. A good tennis player will enjoy being complimented by the newbie and might even offer advice if asked. Maybe even over coffee. If the good tennis player laughs at or otherwise disses the newbie on the adjacent court, you can be sure that everyone will label him/her as a total *******. Also, there is no shame in being a newbie. "I am new to tennis, suck, and am trying to learn" is totally acceptable group conversation. You don't fake it till you make it. You try your best, you lose to your opponent, they are nice. All is well. It's a largely supportive culture, and with that I return to my point that the culture of dating and sexuality is stupid.

 

 

The solution? Don't contribute to the stupidity. Be kind. If the hot girl/guy is an *******, don't turn around and be an ******* to someone else.

 

 

In all this, social factors are important. For example, I'm an American by way of Europe (or vice-versa, depending on the day or my mood), but you wouldn't know that by looking at me. I look positively south Asian. I live in a particularly clique-ish northeastern city, and another word for clique-ish is 'segregated'. When you have a culture with those attitudes, you get a lot of stereotyping, and that is not a helpful factor for a guy like me. I'm personally open to women of any race, but frequently clicking 'next' on the online profiles of women who want "white/caucasian only" is not a great feeling. When I'm out and about...I know what it looks like when a women is interested in me, and I know what to do. The problem is, I don't get that 'look' as frequently as some of my friends who more fit the norm. A caucasian guy who is not tall might feel the same way.

 

 

The solution? Try harder to get people who don't like you initially to see the "real you" and maybe they'll like you. Or (my preference), don't waste time on women who don't find you attractive. It's not you, it's them.

 

 

Consider "life stages": Not to diss my current city too much, but it can be a pretty buttoned-up, traditional kind of place. Males and females, we all have "life stages" and depending on where you live, they can be strongly expressed. People in their early-20s aren't interested in getting married and can simply live out whatever fun they want to have. Often, the dating/sexual "fun" is gaining experiences they dreamed about. Good for them, but it can be a tough scene. If you're in your 20s and not a "type" that girls are drawn to, fear not. Things will change. The next dating/sexual stage for many women entails finding a life-partner and future husband/father-of-kids.

 

 

The solution? What those women are drawn to in their 30s is different to what they were drawn to in their early 20s. You may suddenly find that women are more attracted to you as you approach 30. If you're not into having kids...I never was...you've just narrowed your dating pool. Consider moving to a big city like LA or London where you will find people with more varied lifestyles. If you already live in such a city and are not having luck in your 30s, you need to look harder. I'm staying put until my son hits high school, and then I'll probably move back to the big city where I am from.

 

 

Talk to people in order to get laid: I hook-up, not as often as I would like, but I do. They're not women I'd want to date or women I find super attractive personally, but they ARE attractive and have good self-esteem and are nice people with friends and family who love them. Be human! Have fun! It's just tennis!

[Dalston]

Women like that find you kind of attractive, kind of not attractive. Their NSA guy, she finds him kind of attractive, kind of not attractive.

 

 

Don't waste your time on people who don't find you fully attractive. It's not you, it's them.

 

 

I'll take a shot at it.

 

How can I stop being the guy women want to date in a serious LTR? (these are women I know have NSA fun, and I want NSA fun from them, not a LTR)

[Dalston]

I wrote about the concept of 'fake it till you make it' and instead how in tennis there's no such thing, you just try your best and people will be nice. You can't fake a bad backhand. You just work at it until you get where you want it to be. Maybe you'll never be satisfied with your backhand. But, that doesn't prevent you from playing tennis. If someone knows you have a terrible backhand and purposely gives you a hard time, then they're an *******. Obviously.

 

 

In dating, NEVER fake it. If someone is mean to you, remember that mean people have insecurities. It's not you, it's them.