_For those who can't get dates in their late 20s, 30s and 40s

[ChessPieceFace]

I won't wear make up everyday and when I do I tend to keep the look quite natural so it's sometimes hard to tell if I'm wearing makeup... Is the fact that I don't wear make up and that my hair isn't always perfect a big deal to guys?

 

I know girls that look fine without makeup, I also know pretty girls that look quite bad without makeup. Depends on the girl.

 

I'm also incapable of flirting..

 

Are you really incapable, or do you just find it distasteful and against your personality? Personally, I find flirting to be painful and boring. Oh look, I'm using a cheesy line. Or I'm saying something witty. Now I'm using body cues to indicate my sexual interest. BlahhhhHHHHHHHH.

 

Then again, I haven't met a girl I'd even WANT to flirt with in quite a few years.

[Floridaman]

Then again, I haven't met a girl I'd even WANT to flirt with in quite a few years.

I find that hard to believe.

Most women have some kind of attractiveness that catches a guy's eye.

[ChessPieceFace]

I find that hard to believe.

Most women have some kind of attractiveness that catches a guy's eye.

 

Well, I have a lot more qualifications than "attractive." Looks aren't even that high on my list. You may say "well, what you see is all you know until you flirt with them" -- ehh. Maybe it's lazy of me, but even if I were wired for it, I have no interest in engaging every cute girl that comes along in conversation, trying to find the 1/100 girls that would meet many of my other qualifications. That's why I said it's painful and boring to me.

 

I've met exactly 1 girl in the past few years whose personality (and looks, though she was not AMAZING looking at all) led me to want to flirt with her and engage her in conversation. It happened cause I got to know her through mutual activities. She had a BF. I later tried to get something happening anyway (cause I really liked her a lot), it didn't happen and that was that.

 

Well, fine, maybe there have been a couple others BUT they were all entirely too young for me. The activities I like, and friends I hang around, always lead me to being around girls way too young for me.

[Floridaman]

Well, I have a lot more qualifications than "attractive." Looks aren't even that high on my list. You may say "well, what you see is all you know until you flirt with them" -- ehh. Maybe it's lazy of me, but even if I were wired for it, I have no interest in engaging every cute girl that comes along in conversation, trying to find the 1/100 girls that would meet many of my other qualifications. That's why I said it's painful and boring to me.

That explains things. Good for you not to base your interest on looks.

However, don't have too many "dealbreakers."

 

As you need the experience, would recommend trying to date as many women as you can.

 

 

I've met exactly 1 girl in the past few years whose personality (and looks, though she was not AMAZING looking at all) led me to want to flirt with her and engage her in conversation. It happened cause I got to know her through mutual activities. She had a BF. I later tried to get something happening anyway (cause I really liked her a lot), it didn't happen and that was that.

Good for trying.

I always stayed away from women that were in relationships, but if she's only casual dating, and you didn't know that when you approach, wouldn't think there's anything wrong in asking. She may accept and dump the other guy.

(This isn't the same thing as breaking-up an engagement).

Well, fine, maybe there have been a couple others BUT they were all entirely too young for me. The activities I like, and friends I hang around, always lead me to being around girls way too young for me.

How old are you Chess?

 

If you're mid-late 20s, I'd recommend staying away from the young girls 18-24.

They seem less mature, more ambivalent, have many more options, lots of guys calling on them.

It's much more competitive and I only became more frustrated trying to go out with them.

These weren't really young women, just women still in college (22-23) but I didn't want to waste any more time.

 

After I awoke at 25-26 and started to date more seriously, something inside told me the "older gals," the ones maybe 1-5 years older than me, might be looking for the same things as I......

 

Turned out, was right. All the women I dated were in that age range....

[binny]

Fishtaco and Floridaman, Being guys I thought you would know what you like a girl to do when she flirts with you!

 

OK, so your job doesn't sound like the right environment to date.

 

Did you go to college? How was dating there?

 

Yep I went to college. Didn't have much luck there either.. Had one boyfriend for a while in my first year but it was long distance and wasn't an official relationship for a long time because he didn't like the idea of the distance..it was maybe a 3 hour drive/train or so.. I eventually pressured him into a relationship I guess.. then I broke up with him a couple months later because it was never going to work, we wanted different things in life - I wanted to move around from place to place, country to country etc and he wanted to stay put in some little town in the middle of nowhere..He had his reasons which I understood but it just wasn't for me. I then got another boyfriend in my second year, who was a big mistake and it should have never really happened...he was (and still is) a total ****..That didn't last very long either.. longer than it should have lasted though.. Apart from that I didn't even go on any dates or anything.. I did an exchange abroad for a year so I put a lot of effort in learning the language in order to pass my exams and in my final year I was always really busy, I wanted to get a good grade, I was applying for jobs and going for interviews as well as volunteering at the weekends.. I guess I'm quite career oriented and because I've never really got much guy interest, I've just always put all my focus on my career..

 

 

Are you really incapable, or do you just find it distasteful and against your personality? Personally, I find flirting to be painful and boring. Oh look, I'm using a cheesy line. Or I'm saying something witty. Now I'm using body cues to indicate my sexual interest. BlahhhhHHHHHHHH.

 

Then again, I haven't met a girl I'd even WANT to flirt with in quite a few years.

 

I agree with the cheesy lines, although some of them are so bad, they actually make me laugh But I do find teasing really cute! Could teasing someone be counted as flirting as long as it's done in a cute way? I do find certain types of flirting distasteful though.. Perhaps that's why it doesn't come naturally to me..

 

Well, I have a lot more qualifications than "attractive." Looks aren't even that high on my list.

 

I'm curious, What's on your list? If you don't mind me asking..

 

BTW, nice song lyrics Floridaman!

[Floridaman]

Fishtaco and Floridaman, Being guys I thought you would know what you like a girl to do when she flirts with you!

Am not sure what or how I'd like a girl to show interest.

 

If a woman is interested, and the guy appears oblivious or "too shy" or scared to approach,

perhaps she could drop a hint or two.

 

Take him by the hand (gently) and tell him,

"If you'd like to go out with me sometime, that'd be all right with me..."

 

Maybe that's too forward. I dunno.

It wouldn't have offended me in my 20s.

 

 

Was thinking of this subject today when this song came on my 1960s music collection:

 

Cherish. The Association. 1966.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=k6-mOvl7WlE

 

The song is told from a guy's perspective.

A "wish I had told her" song.

Maybe guys/gals need to speak up before it's too late.

 

 

 

LYRICS:

Cherish is the word I use to describe

All the feeling that I have hiding here for you inside

You don't know how many times I've wished that I had told you

You don't know how many times I've wished that I could hold you

You don't know how many times I've wished that I could

Mold you into someone who could cherish me as much as I cherish you

 

Perish is the word that more than applies

To the hope in my heart each time I realize

That I am not gonna be the one to share your dreams

That I am not gonna be the one to share your schemes

That I am not gonna be the one to share what seems to be the life that you could cherish as much as I do yours

 

Oh I'm beginning to think that man has never found

The words that could make you want me

That have the right amount of letters, just the right sound

That could make you hear, make you see that you are drivin' me out of my mind

 

Oh I could say I need you but then you'd realize

That I want you just like a thousand other guys

Who'd say they loved you With all the rest of their lies

When all they wanted was to touch your face, your hands

and gaze into your eyes

 

Cherish is the word I use to describe

All the feeling that I have hiding here for you inside

You don't know how many times I've wished that I had told you

You don't know how many times I've wished that I could hold you

You don't know how many times I've wished that I could

Mold you into someone who could

Cherish me as much as I cherish you

 

And I do... cherish you

And I do... cherish you

Cherish is the word

Edited October 22, 2011 by Floridaman

[Floridaman]

Bumping to keep alive. Threads "time out" or lock after 60 days or so....

[AD1980]

31 and never been in a relationship im kidna of movign to apathetic zone where i dont care anymore

 

Im horrible at attracting and approaching women plus all my friends are married and theres no single women in my social circle anyway so finding women at this point seems so out of touch and foreign to me that ive come to terms with yhe fact its probably never gonna happen

[jobaba]

This is a good thread, and you seem like a good guy who genuinely wants help his fellow men (and women).

 

I'm not really in a position to flirt with any women right now for a couple of reasons, but I guess my question would pertain to flirting with women.

 

I've kind of done it, but probably half ass. I mean, I know how to do it on dates, but I would like to be more forward with women I don't know well earlier.

 

Tips on flirting with women you randomly meet anywhere (probably not at work) in the early stages would be appreciated...

[FredRutherford]

Well, I am really intrigued by a person I barely know, and there seems to be a sort of chemistry between us. I only see her on the bus back from uni to my apartment. We exchange smiles and glances, but I really am not sure how to make it a bit more of a concrete established interaction. I would most definitely ask her out for coffee, but there's the ambiguity of everything hanging in there (Maybe she has a BF, you know?). Being an introverted individual (not shy, I'm confident, very introspective), I am not exactly sure what to do. I thought its either gently approach her and inquire, or give her a sweet note. Either a good idea? Thanks for reading.

 

Next time you see her, go over to her, "Hey you're always on the same bus as me." She might smile or laugh and that's it. Say bye to her when either of you gets off.

 

Next time you see her say hi. If she reacts positively ask her if she's done for the day. If she seems open to talk ask her what she had that day and let the conversation flow. The next time you see her you can ask her out or just talk to her again.

 

That's pretty much the steps I did to ask out a girl I only saw on the bus. Once I got to know her she turned out to be pretty cool and we had several things in common. So I told her, "Hey you're pretty cool, lets go get some lunch there's a restaruant at the stop after yours." "Oh I'm sorry, I'm going to a friends house and he's waiting for me."

 

And I knew it was over with her. But it can work.

That's good advice, SomeDude.

 

For both of you, once you get some conversation going during your first meeting, here are some tips that might help you keep the momentum rolling and an idea of one way you might be able to ramp-up the interaction.

 

This poster sounds a lot like you and I were.

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showpost.php?p=3548783&postcount=10

 

He's relating from a Catholic standpoint, which may not apply, but look at some of the tips he gives.

 

 

______________________________________________________________

 

QUOTE:

I did do some reading of the pickup artists and others who talk about “game”. I won't say that they have nothing useful to think about, but in general given my overall life philosophy I didn't find their thinking too useful. It may well work great for casual pickups and sex, but for finding the love of your life it may actually be counterproductive or at least not that useful.

 

They do have some useful ideas which I'll briefly describe.

 

You have to keep trying persistently. You have to approach a number of women.

 

The right amount of physical touch is good, not too much but definitely not too little either.

 

In Catholic circles here is the progression I use.

 

First date: 2-3 touches on the shoulder or arm.

If she's wearing a ring, hold her hand while “looking at the ring” for a minute and ask her about it. Hug at the end.

 

Second date: set up an opportunity to put your arm around her for a while in a natural situation.

Kiss her at the end if she seems receptive. Otherwise, kiss on the third date. Continue to go forward from there as far as you feel you can in good conscience.

 

You have to approach a woman as a man, and not try to be her friend.

 

Make your interest clear right away.

 

 

For example, a few weeks ago I met a woman at a church picnic. I talked to her for 15 minutes and she seemed interested, so I asked if she would like to have coffee and got her number.

 

At the coffee date, I talked to her for 45 minutes and again she seemed interested, so I just told her point blank something along the lines of “hopefully it was clear this is a date. I'm interested in you. I think you are beautiful. You have probably already decided if you are interested in me. What do you think about me?” I didn't of course use that phrasing but that was the essence. She seemed to like this very well. We had a great second date the next week and are planning for a third date soon.

 

Notice that I did not try to be her friend, see how things develop, or wait to ask her out.

I have found that trying to be friends first or letting things develop rarely works for me, even in the most devout Catholic circles.

 

When you make a verbal move like that, it is key I think to do it with a sense of non-attachment to the outcome. You are interested but not too much.

 

You would like to date her, but if she doesn't want to it's not a big deal.

You have to get to a place in your life where that's really true and you're not just putting on an act. That mental attitude more than the words you use is what makes it effective.

END QUOTE

[FredRutherford]

One thing I noticed was when a woman at my office in conversation got really, really physically close, in terms of physical proximity, to my face.

 

She was talking and I picked-up on how close her face was to mine.

 

Now, I was married and so was she, and wasn't "looking," so I assume she meant nothing romantic.... (She could have, though).

...but still, she was REALLY close to my face.

It was almost like I could move just an inch closer and we'd kiss...

 

Really sensed her closeness.

Was only half-listening to what she was saying, bec. while she was talking, all I could think of was:

wow, this is a woman I could see going out with (if I weren't married).

Tell ya, that physical closeness got to me !!!

 

Guys/ gals,

Consider getting a little physically closer like that to the person you want to show interest in.

 

True, being that close might turn someone off, but it could be a risk worth taking as I think it could affect the other like that woman affected me:

this woman seems interested !!! Those are the signals she was sending !!!

 

Don't overdo it and don't make it seemed forced or unnatural, but if you two are in each others' presence, a little closeness might help.

Edited January 15, 2012 by FredRutherford

[laotzu]

How do I show sexual interest so that girls don't think I just want to be friends?

 

You need to smile, be funny, and also a little witty. Try to develop a "rascal" smile; think of a smile you'd give your mother, and then change everything except for the fact that it's a smile. Sometimes it helps to mention something you dislike about the opposite sex (i.e. "girls I've dated before") and then contrast it with the girl you're trying to get with, which immediately makes her associate herself as a dating prospect. If she mentions that she never smokes, say "Yeah, I hate smoking. I'd never date a girl who smokes."

[FitChick]

One thing I noticed was when a woman at my office in conversation got really, really physically close, in terms of physical proximity, to my face.

 

It could have been a cultural thing. Some cultures are more distant. Or it could have been just

.

[FredRutherford]

It could have been a cultural thing. Some cultures are more distant. Or it could have been just

.

That clip's funny.

She could have been like that. I don't think it was cultural as she was of similar race as me.

[FredRutherford]

Want to link to another great LS thread on techniques for meeting women:

 

Getting girl is easy and fun if you try!

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t313284/83b36e42da49dc9cf102647ebbb3c57a

 

Dust posts some different techniques there and that thread has a different tone than this one, but the information is valid and something many guys need to try...

[mtber75]

Seek help from friends who are successful in dating or/and even those professional dating coaches? Don't dismiss them as being a waste of your time and that you can do it by yourself. Its easy for people to say just do it! But how do you simply just do it if you have terrible people skills or some anxiety issues. So don't be afraid to have some guidance.

[FredRutherford]

bumping to keep from closing...

[FredRutherford]

Saw this ad while clicking on a weather website tonight.

Think you could change the words a little and apply it to trying to date someone.

 

 

Fishing.

Know what your fish want to nibble on.

If you have a certain fish in mind that you want to land, try to predict what they will be hungry for, and always bring at least five back-up plans.

[dmmm]

Hi

 

Hoping people still are responding to this thread!

 

My problem is I'm 27 and never had a gf. Have no social life at all. Have no social skills. have 1 female friend who I obsess over but that's not going anywhere. Work alone with little contact with others. Can't for the life of me think of where I would begin to meet a girl. Can't join sports clubs b/c of health problems. Can't think of any hobbies that would include other people. Am a recluse.

 

I honestly do not think there is really any hope for me

[SteveC80]

If youre in your 30's and 40's and never got a women and suddenly one appears chances are you didnt magically become atratcive she pronably is just settling to have a family

[FredRutherford]

If youre in your 30's and 40's and never got a women and suddenly one appears chances are you didnt magically become atratcive she pronably is just settling to have a family

 

There's really nothing wrong with that, Steve.

 

When I was in my mid-late 20s, purposely tried to date the "older" gals, the ones maybe 1-7 yrs. my sr.

As they were in their 30s, or close to turning that dreaded 3-0, (smartly) figured they'd be more interested in pursuing a relationship and getting married, which I really wanted throughout my 20s.

 

The younger girls I dated @25-26, the ones still in college, who I met at church and other places, they were so ambivalent, had many more opportunities with guys calling on them.... could hardly land second dates with them..

So in frustration, wisely perceived I might do better aiming my sights for older women....

 

Besides, it must be flattering for a lady to have a younger guy show interest in her....

 

Now, you don't want to go "too old..."

When I was 30, encountered some singles groups that mostly had women in their 40s/divorced/kids, which wasn't anything I was interested in at the time...

Today... if I were suddenly single, couldn't have that prohibition as a man's options are more limited when he's in his 40s and 50s... and has to accept women who've had children, etc....

 

One woman I dated for 1.5 yrs. in my late 20s, she was 7-8 yrs. older. Looking at her facebook page, I see she's entirely gray-haired....

[FredRutherford]

Hi

 

Hoping people still are responding to this thread!

 

My problem is I'm 27 and never had a gf. Have no social life at all. Have no social skills. have 1 female friend who I obsess over but that's not going anywhere. Work alone with little contact with others. Can't for the life of me think of where I would begin to meet a girl. Can't join sports clubs b/c of health problems. Can't think of any hobbies that would include other people. Am a recluse.

 

I honestly do not think there is really any hope for me

Late 20s is not "too late."

In fact, it's never too late, even if a guy/gal is in their 50s.

 

Read some of the suggestions posted earlier in this thread.

Get out and meet people in all kinds of venues:

-church

-church singles groups

-other singles groups

-activities like sailboating, travel clubs, wine tasting, sports, model railroading, civic clubs such as Rotary, Kiwanis, etc.

-volunteer for social causes like homeless kitchens, etc., where others participate.

 

Do things where you can meet all kinds of people, women and men.

I say men bec. if in your bowling club or singles group, you may confide to a male friend you have trouble meeting women, he may one day bring his female cousin, sister or work colleague with him...

Those things happen....

 

Or... he may tell you he knows someone you might want to meet.

Blind dates don't always work, but they can.

I'm a blind date success story !!! (May post more on that later).

 

Have more to say but the key is to get off the couch and move away from your "comfort zone."

If things are a bit too comfortable for you, and all you do is go to work and stay in your apt. at night or with your family (like I did in my early and mid-20s), things need to change.

[FitChick]

Take a class where there are likely to be more women than men -- cooking, painting, ceramics, dancing, although you said you have health problems. What sort of health problems?

[goldengirl11]

Take a class where there are likely to be more women than men -- cooking, painting, ceramics, dancing, although you said you have health problems. What sort of health problems?

 

Tips for classes which men would go to please? Was thinking golf and wine tasting...

[goldengirl11]

If things are a bit too comfortable for you, and all you do is go to work and stay in your apt. at night or with your family (like I did in my early and mid-20s), things need to change.

 

Good point.