Asking for References

[Woggle]

 

 

I can get guys to stick around, I just don't want them in particular around. I refuse to settle.

 

Why do I get the feeling that no man no matter how many great qualities he has will ever be good enough. Any man you end up will leave you feeling like you settled.

[TouchedByViolet]

I wish everyone would drop this looks stuff because I sure did NOT bring it up.

 

Your user name is GorgeousGirl.

[Gypsy_Soul]

Thats possible, but I have faith that this will not happen. I am not only choosing for myself, but he has to be the right person for my child as well.

 

 

 

Why do I get the feeling that no man no matter how many great qualities he has will ever be good enough. Any man you end up will leave you feeling like you settled.

[Duckduckgoose]

I am not sure any of the people I've dated in the past would give me a good reference. My stbxH sure in the hell won't.

 

But that's fine because I am pretty unbiased in how I tell my relationship past. I wasn't an angel. If they can't handle that kind of truth and how I've learned from it then they can't handle me. Bye bye pansy.

[Gypsy_Soul]

Your user name is GorgeousGirl.

Oh lord, okay how do I change the user name? Anyone?

[daphne]

I'm finding that many of the people that frequent these dating forums are extremely insecure. They're quick to try to bully or harass someone who is confident and secure within themselves as I've been noticing lately here.

 

You should change your name to NeedyGirl and start complaining about how men don't treat you well etc and then you'll have plenty of empathizers. I'm not sure if it's human nature or just these forums but there's always going to be plenty of Debbie Downers around to piss on your parade.

 

Sort of like when I went through a rough patch with an ex and every time I talked to a gf during that time period I was depressed. After the clouds lifted, I was happy again and she was pretty annoyed that I wasn't down in the dumps anymore. It was like she needed to feel good about helping me but I didn't need help anymore.

 

Some people can't stand to see other people happy or confident. Kinda sick but it is what it is.

[TouchedByViolet]

Oh lord, okay how do I change the user name? Anyone?

 

be gorgeous, be smart, be happy, be whatever you like, but don't judge others so much. I think if you treated others with a little more humility and understanding you would gain a better appreciation for the quality people.

 

Your constant talk of insecure people makes me think you view the world through some nebulous perspective. It is OK to feel insecure sometimes. Insecurity directs people to look internally and find ways to improve. Life is about self improvement, understanding and growth, not perfection.

 

I always liked the quote "we like people for their qualities but love them for their imperfections"

[TheBigQuestion]

Secure people don't go around lording their "worthiness," good looks, or whatever other attributes they have that they perceive as positive. Yes, you didn't bring up most of that in this thread, but most people who post here are regulars. They're going to remember the nonsense that you vomit forth when you make another thread where you portray yourself as God's gift to men, and the world at large. There are plenty of strong, good women who post on these boards who are on the whole very "secure" people. I assure you the threads you start, the posts you write, and the condescending attitude with which you conduct yourself on here in general makes it quite difficult to characterize you as anything but needy, paranoid, and ultimately, yes, insecure.

[oaks]

Call me crazy...

 

Daphne, you're crazy.

[jane100]

Dating is not about saving time. Human interactions are not about saving time. If you're looking to save time, I suggest a sperm bank or a guy looking for his green card. If you want a quality partner, you have to put in the time.

 

 

Wow, very funny, as is whole thread and great OP, but I have to say, an amazing post IntricateGirl, and spot on.

 

Gorgeous Girl has taken alot of flak on this thread, but I think she is only asking a question that has crossed my mind, anyway. But as Intricate Girl says (as opposed to Gorgeous Girl) in a way you have to put the spade work in, its all part of the process, part of the pain, the pleasure, and so forth.

 

By the way, in the UK we have a very popular dating website called "my best friends..." blah can't remember the name, but actually it is a good friend writing you up as a reference / profile!

Edited March 8, 2011 by jane100

[Intricategirl]

I'm much less concerned with getting references from them as living my life in such a way where I could provide references. And I know what each of my past boyfriends would say about me, because they've told me. Ex-husband would say he didn't treat me right and he's glad I found somebody better (he's said this, and I kept the message in my cell phone as a pick-me-up). One after him would say he was obtuse and he's trying to do better. One after him wants to date me again. After that, he's one of my best friends, and he'd threaten the dude that he'd better make me happy. The guy after that- I'm not in contact with him, but I believe he'd say that I've got a lot going on, but he's told me I'm a strong girl, and need someone that can step back and let me be strong. And any new guy that comes into my life needs to understand that some of these boys are still very much a part of my life, and look at it as a blessing for everything they taught me.

 

That's not to say I didn't make mistakes in each relationship- there are two people in each relationship and both have their own issues at play. But I treat my men well, and in return, I get to demand being treated well. When I'm first starting a relationship, sure, they need to treat me respectfully (the same as they should be treating anybody else), but I haven't earned that extra devotion or attention. And if they give it, I'm going to wonder why. The time hasn't been put in, and the relationship hasn't developed, so if they give it that easily to me, they can withdraw it that easily too. And that's a large part of what happened with the last guy.

 

Asking for references implies that I don't particularly care who they are, and want someone else to make the decision for me. I don't. I've dated guys that would get glowing recommendations from ex-girlfriends, and it's not until later that I discover the ex-girlfriends are so insane that they stalk me even after I've broken up with the guy. Instead, I'd rather get to know someone, make some mistakes, and have these beautiful boys in my life that taught me how to be an awesome woman.

 

And that's the thing. You view it as a waste of time. I don't. I'm a better person for the time spent, and MY references are solid. I don't want to skip the process or weed them out. I love the process.

[nothappyjan]

hahaha 3 weeks ago i would have thought this thread crazy however a broken heart will lead a person to totally lose their grip on reality so I LOVE this idea. I'm so tired of being a good person in a relationship and getting screwed around. If i ever planned on seeing a member of the opposite sex again (which I dont) I would totally use this awesome idea.

[irc333]

Actually, this can't be treated as if it were a job interview, apples and oranges actually.

 

There are too many dynamics and variables, and it's impersonal. Asking for personal references would make it unnatural.

 

And even if you did get positive references, it doesn't mean much of anything anyhow.

 

Sure this method may work at a car dealership (show me the carfax), buying a new home or even a job interview

 

But applying the SAME method, sorry, it's not the same.

 

 

So I've decided to start asking for personal relationship references from my potential long-term mates that want to date me. I figure that since the search for the compatible partner is just like a job search and/or buying a car, might as well start asking for references too.

 

I will start experimenting with this, not sure if anyone has heard of such a thing being done before but I will keep everyone posted on my responses and how everything turns out.

[Gypsy_Soul]

be gorgeous, be smart, be happy, be whatever you like, but don't judge others so much. I think if you treated others with a little more humility and understanding you would gain a better appreciation for the quality people.

 

Your constant talk of insecure people makes me think you view the world through some nebulous perspective. It is OK to feel insecure sometimes. Insecurity directs people to look internally and find ways to improve. Life is about self improvement, understanding and growth, not perfection.

 

I always liked the quote "we like people for their qualities but love them for their imperfections"

 

Thanks for letting me know to which I already know. Please show me where I am a constant talker of people's insecurities other than in this thread, because I only brought this up due to the fact that people were behaving in such a way. I'm all for self-improvement, but not at my expense and I certainly don't owe people anything especially when they disrespect me because of their own issues. Like I said leave me out of it. As for the quote, I know this to be true in real life, not on a forums.

[Gypsy_Soul]

Yea right, I'm sorry this bothers you so much.

 

If people didn't start poll threads where they're asking body preferences, which inevitably make most people here feel bad (NOT ME) already but no one gets on those folks about that vomit, they're just asking for it. I simply make comments on how happy I am with myself, so what.

 

If this you feel is lording over it someone, I can say I extremely disagree;).

 

Obviously you already have an opinion of my posting and threads(vomit)lol, so

I'm not sure which threads you're speaking of, but please show me in which I have a condescending attitude. I'm sure if you can find me any, I'm only responding to people who are quick to name call me, etc. How one perceives, my attitude is solely based on their own personal views, and should refrain from personal attacks on my character as a person, because they, no-one on here really knows me.

 

I think this started because someone got upset about me having dates on Valentines day and offers. I'm not really sure because, other than that it would only be that I am not down on myself.

 

Secure people don't go around lording their "worthiness," good looks, or whatever other attributes they have that they perceive as positive. Yes, you didn't bring up most of that in this thread, but most people who post here are regulars. They're going to remember the nonsense that you vomit forth when you make another thread where you portray yourself as God's gift to men, and the world at large. There are plenty of strong, good women who post on these boards who are on the whole very "secure" people. I assure you the threads you start, the posts you write, and the condescending attitude with which you conduct yourself on here in general makes it quite difficult to characterize you as anything but needy, paranoid, and ultimately, yes, insecure.

Edited March 8, 2011 by GorgeousGirl

[Gypsy_Soul]

That's a shame, I agree with this, although still a shame. I am not going to be down on myself so people in this thread can feel better about themselves.

 

I guess this is what some are finding annoying:)

 

You should change your name to NeedyGirl and start complaining about how men don't treat you well etc and then you'll have plenty of empathizers. I'm not sure if it's human nature or just these forums but there's always going to be plenty of Debbie Downers around to piss on your parade.

 

Sort of like when I went through a rough patch with an ex and every time I talked to a gf during that time period I was depressed. After the clouds lifted, I was happy again and she was pretty annoyed that I wasn't down in the dumps anymore. It was like she needed to feel good about helping me but I didn't need help anymore.

 

Some people can't stand to see other people happy or confident. Kinda sick but it is what it is.

[Gypsy_Soul]

I'm much less concerned with getting references from them as living my life in such a way where I could provide references. And I know what each of my past boyfriends would say about me, because they've told me. Ex-husband would say he didn't treat me right and he's glad I found somebody better (he's said this, and I kept the message in my cell phone as a pick-me-up). One after him would say he was obtuse and he's trying to do better. One after him wants to date me again. After that, he's one of my best friends, and he'd threaten the dude that he'd better make me happy. The guy after that- I'm not in contact with him, but I believe he'd say that I've got a lot going on, but he's told me I'm a strong girl, and need someone that can step back and let me be strong. And any new guy that comes into my life needs to understand that some of these boys are still very much a part of my life, and look at it as a blessing for everything they taught me.

 

That's not to say I didn't make mistakes in each relationship- there are two people in each relationship and both have their own issues at play. But I treat my men well, and in return, I get to demand being treated well. When I'm first starting a relationship, sure, they need to treat me respectfully (the same as they should be treating anybody else), but I haven't earned that extra devotion or attention. And if they give it, I'm going to wonder why. The time hasn't been put in, and the relationship hasn't developed, so if they give it that easily to me, they can withdraw it that easily too. And that's a large part of what happened with the last guy.

 

Asking for references implies that I don't particularly care who they are, and want someone else to make the decision for me. I don't. I've dated guys that would get glowing recommendations from ex-girlfriends, and it's not until later that I discover the ex-girlfriends are so insane that they stalk me even after I've broken up with the guy. Instead, I'd rather get to know someone, make some mistakes, and have these beautiful boys in my life that taught me how to be an awesome woman.

 

And that's the thing. You view it as a waste of time. I don't. I'm a better person for the time spent, and MY references are solid. I don't want to skip the process or weed them out. I love the process.

 

No one is the better person here, let's just agree to disagree. We each obviously have different dating styles and approaches.

 

What I find a waste of time may not be a waste of time to you, and I've learned to accept that in other's as well. I have many men that want to date me and I'm not about to go through all of them in a slow process. I do multi-date and I find that helps me to not spend too much time on one that may not be compatible with me at all.

 

Not to say I haven't found a friend or a good network in the end. They're just not what I'm looking for in a relationship. Yes, I've found all of this takes A LOT of time.

 

Either way, it's fairly new idea and I'm sure so was speed dating and multi-dating was once and people probably thought it was insane. Now we find it common-place.

 

Yes, there are those sites where friends can write you a reference, and even then people can offer up references to parents who want to date their daughter. I've researched this and it does exist.

[daphne]

I guess this is what some are finding annoying:)

 

Yep.