Is there hope?

[worldgonewrong]

Ah, another divorce-lawyer/shark drawn by the scent of blood in the water.

Piss off.

 

 

I strongly agree that marriage is bind with sacred union of the church and the fruit of love of two persons but, let's not look at the negative side of divorce. Divorce is not an excuse for us to have plenty of partners. What if you and your partner cannot work your marriage anymore, will you stay and sacrifice being with the person you do not love? Another, if you already have kids, do you think it's better to stay together as a couple and let your kids witness the conflict between you and your partner or get divorce and deal with things harmoniously. There are pros and cons in divorce but I vote for divorce. :)

 

You can visit this site it will help,laws about divorce

[Craig2425]

Ah, another divorce-lawyer/shark drawn by the scent of blood in the water.

Piss off.

 

I know right?

I've been getting out and doing stuff and keeping busy but it's not working.

I'm so bummed out that this is it.

[Craig2425]

So at my kids party she told me that she broke up with om. Said it's because she's confused and doesn't know what to do.

[Steadfast]

Craig, you've been advised to not trust anything she says. No matter who says what, the dark cloud of dishonesty hangs over your marriage.

 

Be careful. You're vulnerable and she knows it.

 

The part about being confused might have a sliver of truth to it. It could be that she's wondering why her attempts to control the OM didn't work, why he won't commit, or why you are backing away. Almost all cheaters need or appreciate that safety net or soft landing spot provided by the spouse. It's just another display of maddening, sickening logic. Wash it off.

 

Recalling the things you've written, I'd proceed to the final divorce decree and move on with your life. Look, until a person says "I'm sorry. I love you and I'll do whatever it takes to save our marriage." you have nothing. She's between boyfriends and needs a little comforting.

 

The problem in your marriage isn't other men Craig, it's her. OMs are just after whatever it is they want, and are slimy/uncaring/selfish enough to see no problem getting it from a married woman. To many of them, it's a love-'em-leave 'em game. She wasn't forced. She wanted it and chose it. In that light, nothing has changed.

 

Hang in, press on and continue LC. Keep posting-

[Craig2425]

Aparently she broke up with him and thing were good still.

I was talking to a mutual friend and she slipped up. She told me that she broke it off with him. I said what?

Friend: oh I thought she told you

 

Me: no hasn't said anything. What happened?

 

Friend: nothing between them but shes been thinking abiut you guys and confused and doesn't want distractions. Don't tell her I told you

I thought she already has.

 

Me: I won't. Then she came back in the room.

 

Later my stbxw told me she broke it off with him.

I asked her why and she just said she was confused and wanted to b alone to figure stuff out.

 

If she was the only one to tell me this I wouldn't believe her but since our friend told me I do.

Our friend wouldn't lie to me.

Now I'm confused.

[Craig2425]

Ok messed up big time.

Her party went great and towards the end is when she told me she's not seeing him anymore.

I asked her if she wanted to go somewhere and she said that we all should go( our daughter too).

We went for a day trip and it was fun. She said she had fun and was talking about trying.

She said she wasn't sure but was thinking abiut it. We went back to her home and made dinner put the kid to bed and had some wine and watched a movie. She asked if I wanted to stay so I did ( didn't try for sex or anything).

I did hug her and kissed her a couple times during the day just a peck.

The next day she had to leave for a bit and asked if I wanted to stay for a bit and hang out when she got back I said ok.

She came back and we hung out it seemed ok.

Went upstairs and rubbed her back took a nap.

Then before I picked up our kid we were talking and she said she's not sure if she wants to try.

That she feels weird around me and she didn't think she would feel like this around me. I've hurt her more then she thiught.

Now I'm a mess cause I thought by her asking me to stay the night and hang out the next day she wanted to.

Now she says she needs to see if she thinks she can get passed this and forgive me,not just try cause our kid was happy.

[dreamingoftigers]

Dude at least try calling divorce busters because they will give you info on how to boost your own mental health etc to make decisions regarding all of this.

 

If the pipes burst you would call a Plumber right?

[Craig2425]

I'm not working a lot right now and don't have a lot of extra money.

Does she really want to try and need space or is she just messing with me?

Is this normal for her to feel like this? Do people who have problems have a hard time when they try at first?

[Steadfast]

Ok messed up big time.

 

You did. Not to be harsh, but are you ready to listen now? Craig? Of course, you're an adult and the decision is yours, but the problem is you think you know what to do. Like many/most men and especially fathers, the instinct is wrong.

 

Short and sweet; you aren't going to nice her into a reconciliation. The truth is, she doesn't deserve nice, or ass kissing, and she knows it.

 

I can almost guarantee that in the back of her mind she's thinking "Why is he doing this? Spending time with me...watching movies...kissing and hugging...rubbing backs...doesn't he realize what I've done? He should be furious! I would!!"

 

You should Craig. She's been or is involved with another guy and you're trying to love her back into a marriage relationship. Again, not trying to be overly harsh, but that's downright creepy.

 

And, among other things, it makes you look needy, desperate, and a whole bunch of other things that aren't attractive. Look, you spoil the woman who goes to bat for you. The woman who has your back, loves you and your children, cares and sacrifices. The woman who is too busy working and taking care of things to exercise or make an appointment to have her nails or hair done. For those women we take the bullet.

 

They deserve it. She doesn't.

 

You don't, and shouldn't be nasty, but you should act like someone who desires a faithful wife. I know you love her, but until you start to hate and reject what she's shoveling, she's going to continue to see you in an unfavorable light. The truth is, you may not make it as a couple, but at least she'll respect you, and that, in the long run is what's best for your kids. Be strong, be kind and let her go. If she loves you, she'll be back. If she doesn't, well, you're already ahead of the game for healing.

 

It isn't easy, but that's where you are. That's where we all are, or have been. There's nothing mean about being strong and refusing to be used or betrayed. Do the right thing. Let her go.

[Craig2425]

She asked me for the name of the councilor I was talking to and said she was thinking of going with me(this was tonight).

 

I know what she's done sucks but I know I messed up too.

I just miss my family.

[Steadfast]

She asked me for the name of the councilor I was talking to and said she was thinking of going with me(this was tonight).

 

Those are breadcrumbs Craig. Sorry. She must say; "I'm sorry. I love you and I am willing to do whatever it takes to make our marriage work."

 

Until that happens, you have nothing.

 

I know what she's done sucks but I know I messed up too.

 

Who hasn't? That's not a valid reason for splitting up your family. But make no mistake, she's the one who has done it. She's probably a lot more comfortable having you take the blame...who wouldn't be? You have to snap out of it and be counted. Financially, and proper/equal time with the kids.

 

Breathe deep and envision a good life. What she's offering now isn't.

 

Limbo is hell. Leave it behind-

[dreamingoftigers]

She asked me for the name of the councilor I was talking to and said she was thinking of going with me(this was tonight).

 

I know what she's done sucks but I know I messed up too.

I just miss my family.

 

The counselor is a good sign.

 

As for everything else, read the forums on there and try the 180 last resort technique. Read Divorce Remedy. These guys have been at it for awhile.

[willowthewisp]

Craig, I disagree with the usual advice about showing her she's done wrong etc in your situation. I don't think your wife is cake eating or throwing breadcrumbs. I really do think your wife is trying to figure out if she can forgive you leaving her. Not having a go at you or anything but your situation is different to the usual cheating one on here, you left, she felt abandoned and sought a rebound relationship to help her cope. Now she realises that rebound is over and she is showing desire to work on things with you, but, she has to deal with her feelings of abandonment.

 

Personally and I could be wrong, I see a women who wants you back but doesn't know if she is making the right decision to take you back due to you leaving her. I think she is being completely honest with you, she is conflicted between her love for you and her desire to love and protect herself from future hurt. Forgiveness and trust issues, that is what will come out in MC.

 

Definately go to MC but be prepared for this to be a long road,patience is needed here.

[worldgonewrong]

You did. Not to be harsh, but are you ready to listen now? Craig? Of course, you're an adult and the decision is yours, but the problem is you think you know what to do. Like many/most men and especially fathers, the instinct is wrong.

 

Short and sweet; you aren't going to nice her into a reconciliation. The truth is, she doesn't deserve nice, or ass kissing, and she knows it.

 

I can almost guarantee that in the back of her mind she's thinking "Why is he doing this? Spending time with me...watching movies...kissing and hugging...rubbing backs...doesn't he realize what I've done? He should be furious! I would!!"

 

You should Craig. She's been or is involved with another guy and you're trying to love her back into a marriage relationship. Again, not trying to be overly harsh, but that's downright creepy.

 

And, among other things, it makes you look needy, desperate, and a whole bunch of other things that aren't attractive. Look, you spoil the woman who goes to bat for you. The woman who has your back, loves you and your children, cares and sacrifices. The woman who is too busy working and taking care of things to exercise or make an appointment to have her nails or hair done. For those women we take the bullet.

 

They deserve it. She doesn't.

 

You don't, and shouldn't be nasty, but you should act like someone who desires a faithful wife. I know you love her, but until you start to hate and reject what she's shoveling, she's going to continue to see you in an unfavorable light. The truth is, you may not make it as a couple, but at least she'll respect you, and that, in the long run is what's best for your kids. Be strong, be kind and let her go. If she loves you, she'll be back. If she doesn't, well, you're already ahead of the game for healing.

 

It isn't easy, but that's where you are. That's where we all are, or have been. There's nothing mean about being strong and refusing to be used or betrayed. Do the right thing. Let her go.

 

SPOT ON.

I think many men and women (who have been hurt) should read this and take it to heart. Excellent.

[Steadfast]

I really do think your wife is trying to figure out if she can forgive you leaving her. Not having a go at you or anything but your situation is different to the usual cheating one on here...

 

Craig and everyone, I do apologize for not remembering this aspect of the relationship. It changes everything. There is a huge difference between stepping out the door for some fresh air (or to not say something in anger you'll regret later) then telling your spouse you have doubts about the marriage.

 

If you can, please recap this part. And thanks willow and others for staying on top of the facts.

 

Just the same, I continue to have a difficult time justifying another man, even if the marriage was over. That's just too soon in most cases, but again, she wasn't acting completely unprovoked.

 

For now, I'll recant and say it's probably a positive that she's agreeing to counseling. Please keep us posted Craig.

[Craig2425]

Craig, I disagree with the usual advice about showing her she's done wrong etc in your situation. I don't think your wife is cake eating or throwing breadcrumbs. I really do think your wife is trying to figure out if she can forgive you leaving her. Not having a go at you or anything but your situation is different to the usual cheating one on here, you left, she felt abandoned and sought a rebound relationship to help her cope. Now she realises that rebound is over and she is showing desire to work on things with you, but, she has to deal with her feelings of abandonment.

 

Personally and I could be wrong, I see a women who wants you back but doesn't know if she is making the right decision to take you back due to you leaving her. I think she is being completely honest with you, she is conflicted between her love for you and her desire to love and protect herself from future hurt. Forgiveness and trust issues, that is what will come out in MC.

 

Definately go to MC but be prepared for this to be a long road,patience is needed here.

 

This is what I wanted to know. I left her and she kept saying that she wasn't hurt and stuff like that but yesterday and the day before when we hung out she said she realized that she was hurt a lot more then she realized.

She said she's confused because she doesn't know if she can feel the way she did before for me. Is this normal? Can she? I think she was putting on a face to try and show she wasn't hurt or scared but deep down was and is.she told me she's not sure if she will be able to forgive and feel how she use to and that's why she's confused abiut trying. She doesn't want to and hurt our daughter more.

These seem like normal feeling and I think if she let her guard down she could feel for me again?

My situation is a little different then others here. She didn't leave me I left her.

U can go to the first page and read.

[debtman]

She said she's confused because she doesn't know if she can feel the way she did before for me. Is this normal? Can she?

 

That's a tough one. I know my W and I had the "normal" (at least what we considered normal) differences in our relationship up until 3 years ago when she found out I had been lying to her about how much debt I had. That tore apart her trust for me and she wanted to get D at that point. We spent the next 8 months living together, my begging, pleading and crying to her to let me prove myself to her, I went to debt counseling, debtors anonymous, got on a payment plan and she finally "decided" that I had actually changed and that financial stability had finally become important to me...which it had...because I realized how being in debt completely destroys your ability to make changes and confines your decisions.

 

By the time she decided that we could try again, I had already started doing 180 (without even knowing it) and had realized that being D from her wouldn't be the worst thing in the world. She had convinced me that there was no hope/chance of changing her mind, so I had finally accepted it.

 

So, after she said we could try again, I didn't trust her because she had been so willing to dump our relationship and had spent 8 months making my life suck, being mean and vindictive to me.

 

She wasn't willing to go to counseling and, I don't think she ever trusted me again and I know I never trusted her again.

 

I think if we would have both been willing to really WORK on the relationship, forgive each other and actually face our problems, we might have been able to make it work.

 

But, then she found OM who put her right up on a pedestal, told her how great she was and how she didn't need to stay in a bad marriage (because he didn't), so, she finally decided it was over.

 

So, remember, you're both in pain, you both made mistakes and you BOTH need to REALLY WORK (MC and IC) on this if you want to try to make it work. It might give you some perspective to read Whats_Next's posts since he and his W are really working at making things work and trying to figure out how to save/rebuild. It's not easy.

 

Good luck and keep posting...

[Craig2425]

My wife and I have been spit up since oct 2010.

I left cause I was sick of not getting sex and instead of talking or trying to get help I just said it's over.

 

We've been together for 11 years and married for 5 of them.

As i said before I left cause I wasn't getting sex and she said I wasn't meeting her emotional needs.

Through out this 5 months I've asked for her back twice and she's said yes( after a bit a begging) but once I started talking I found out she rushed out and got a bf(both times) and it freaked me out so I said nevermind.

She's also begged for me back and I've been the one to say no ( she does this after I've asked for her).two weeks ago we hooked up and she begged for me back but still had this bf. I said no and that I shouldn't have come over or done this(this was on a Thursday). That Sunday I called her and agreed to talk about us and that I wanted to try but she suddenly changed her mind and said she's done and didn't mean the stuff she said to me. Of course I didn't and still don understand how she could say these things to me twos days before and when I agree she didn't mean any of it and doesn't want

Me.

 

The problem is that I don't want to be without her.

We've been through so much and I want her back.

We have a 3 year old little girl and I wish j could go back in time so I could have been more mature about the way I handled our problems.

 

I've told her that I'm sorry for leaving the way I did and not treating her the way she deserved to be treated. I begged for a week for her and she just said she's done and is 100% sure.

 

Do I have any hope at all or is this it?

I finally respected what she's asked of me and I'm leaving her alone. I haven't tried to contact her this weekend at all( hardest thing I've gone thru).

 

I feel horrible. I just want my wife and my family back. I feel like if I leave her Alone with this bf she is going to move on from me for sure but I don't know what else to do.

 

Yes I know that I brought this upon myself by not getting real help and just leaving the way I did.

I just hope I can change it before my divorce if finale( end of may).

 

Do I have any hope?

 

This is a recap from when I left.

I'm not saying I'm ok with what she's done with om but I kinda understand how it happened.

I just don't know if she's scared to let her guard down or if she really doesn't feel the same about me anymore and if she doesn't can she? She told me she needs space to decide if she can forgive and truly try 100%

She doesn't want to think she can then resent me or hurt our kid anymore.

I guess it's a good thing that she asked for the councilor info that seems like a good step?

Thanks everybody it's just after these last two days I feel used. I really thought she wanted to try by having me stay the night and asking me to hang out the next day.

Maybe she wanted to see if the weird feeling would go away? She said that when I was there or touched her it was weird cause it felt like it was a new guy someone she didn't know and why would she be letting someone like that touch her.

This is almost worse then before cause it seemed like she wanted to try and now I have no idea.

[Craig2425]

So we decided to take our daughter to Disneyland since were talking and getting along(somewhat) right now. We wanted to wait till we both could go for her. We got two day passes and she said we should get a hotel room so we don't have to drive back and forth. She also said that we should get two queen beds that way our daughter won't kick us at night.

I'm confused. She tells me it's hard for her to want to touch or hug me but she can sleep in the same bed? Maybe it's because we just slept next to each other before this all started?

She actually gave me a kiss this morning so maybe that's a good sign? Also told me she wants to try but take it slow.

I just don't know if she's just seeing if things are changing for her(feelings wise) or is she's gonna jump out.

[debtman]

Be careful. You're on an emotional high-speed train and you're letting her drive.

 

Keep yourself in mind here. USE the MC and keep your wits about you.

 

Good luck and keep posting...

[Craig2425]

That's sounds right. I'll keep that in mind and not let my emotions run me.

Thanks for the reminder!

[marqueemoon4]

wow Craig, you guys are doing things together and sleeping together? I understands she's confused and cold, but at least you have regular access to her it seems. just play it cool like others have said.

[Craig2425]

It's weird. Shes said stuff a little while back like not wanting to try yet then she stopped seeing the og for a few weeks. No she seems like she wants to.

Sleeping with her not having sex or anything and that's only been twice and weird. It feels like I'm there alone even tho she's asked me to sleep with her. I'd be more comfortable sleeping on the couch to tell you the truth.

I think she wants to try but is scared I'll hurt her again.

Thanks again guys for the replies. It's so great that people I've never met before are willing to help out others in need.

[Craig2425]

Well debtman is the million dollar winner...

Went to Disneyland for the past two day and everything was great! She told me twice that she wanted to try. Things were getting easier for her to touch me and even kiss me(peck).

Well on the drive home today she was really quite but blamed it on the sun( it was close to 100 today).

We stopped off to go on her dads boat at the lake and she seemed fine again. Drove back to her house and there it was. I'm confused.

It wasn't very easy for me and I don't know if i can get passed these emotions. She said that when I touched her it disgusted her. Doesn't know if she will ever be able to get passed those feelings and want me again.

Now... You guessed it, she can't try cause of these feeling,questions and can't give a 100%.

Boy do I feel stupid, and very very sad.

It was a really great three days of being a family again.

In worse off then when I first came here.

I heard what you said debtman but didn't want to believe it. Thiught that this was it. We were on our way to fixing things.

Right now life sucks!

[debtman]

Sorry to hear that man.

 

It's hard for her to get past her feelings about you walking out and for you to get past your feelings about og. It's REALLY hard in a relationship when the trust is broken down.

 

I saw that in spades when my W found out about my debt and after I discovered how easily she could walk away from the M. We never really recovered or rebuilt after that and just kept drifting farther apart. I could have pressed her about MC and about doing things to fix the problem, but I was having serious doubts about whether or not I wanted to be married to someone the rest of my life who treated me like that. I was sort of planning to get out of debt and then hit her with some ultimatums/changes that I wanted in order to rebuild...but she found OM first. I was really surprised at how much it hurt, even though I had my doubts and knew things were far from "perfect."

 

I don't know what to tell you except to hit the 180 hard. Go NC as much as you can. At first, it will suck and it will be an act. It may get her interested in you again. It may not. If it doesn't, it still works because you're building your life, getting active, getting happy with yourself again.

 

I'm getting there. Enjoying my time. Enjoying my kids. She asked me tonight if I wanted to go with her and the kids tomorrow afternoon to go see my daughter's artwork. Since it isn't my night with them and I try to get all the time with them I can, I agreed. Then she said "maybe we can go out to dinner together after?" I didn't say anything and got "distracted" by the kids. I don't want to go to dinner with her. If I have time with the kids, I want it to be with them because I have more fun with them when she's not around...and so do they. I don't enjoy spending time with her anymore. I'm completely disinterested and bothered by her complete re-write of our entire relationship and her rationalization of her relationship with OM.

 

So, know this, you're in a temporary situation, probably the lowest point of your life, BUT, it WILL get better. One way or the other. It's not the end of the world, just the start of something new.

 

Good luck and keep posting...