dreamingoftigers Posted August 21, 2011 Share Posted August 21, 2011 Thanks..now I am feeling a little guilty here for jumping in and jacking, so I'll just say he nagged more than I did, Keylogger shows he is ready to date, I always stay too long at the fair and when I finally get to this point, I am really done and if he came back tomorrow and begged on knees and said he had an epiphany, I would not take him back. I am really done. But, until recently, I can see why that could have been and I know what you are telling Craig is different from my situation and what might work for him is certainly worth a try. Anyway, thanks for your response and I will now try to NOT jack this thread anymore. Well, I, for one liked your thread-jack. :-) Link to post Share on other sites
dreamingoftigers Posted August 21, 2011 Share Posted August 21, 2011 This is KEY in my opinion It is so awesome when you weigh-in. You are the guy at the end of the 180 process. Awesome. Now, you not only have your marriage but did you find that you got to a point, quicker then you would've thought, where you knew that you would be okay even if she stuck to leaving? Link to post Share on other sites
marqueemoon4 Posted August 21, 2011 Share Posted August 21, 2011 It is so awesome when you weigh-in. You are the guy at the end of the 180 process. Awesome. Now, you not only have your marriage but did you find that you got to a point, quicker then you would've thought, where you knew that you would be okay even if she stuck to leaving? He did pull off the 180.. but, unlike most of the WS on here, his wife actually CARED/CARES for him. That helps. Link to post Share on other sites
robf1971 Posted August 21, 2011 Share Posted August 21, 2011 In the beginning of your relationships there was something different. A different chemistry. What did YOU do differently back then? What made you "tolerable" even "likable" even "lovable?" When Craig first started dating his wife (or any one of us) we were confident, never have taken any BS from our wives. Over the years we become pleasers, yes maam,no maam 3 bags full maam. This repells women. The other thing is us being passive aggresive. Link to post Share on other sites
robf1971 Posted August 21, 2011 Share Posted August 21, 2011 He did pull off the 180.. but, unlike most of the WS on here, his wife actually CARED/CARES for him. That helps. Qoutes from wife to me in Aug 2010 in front of marriage counsellor "We've come to counselling today because I want Rob to understand that I don't want to be married to him anymore, he just doesn't get it" To my parents / her parents "Rob and I are splitting up" and to all our friends too To me The ever classic "I love you but I'm not in love with you" "I'm not sexually attracted to you" "I never want to kiss you again" "I no longer feel comfortable naked in front of you" "I've no romantic feelings for you anymore" Then there was the I haven't been happy for X years BS, ohh How about "Please find a new girlfriend and move on" Repeated ad nauseum for months, So please stop telling me my situation was any better than anyone else here Link to post Share on other sites
dreamingoftigers Posted August 21, 2011 Share Posted August 21, 2011 He did pull off the 180.. but, unlike most of the WS on here, his wife actually CARED/CARES for him. That helps. The 180 has been packaged as a "save your marriage guide." truly it can but only because the symptoms of one's insecurity and other dysfunctional behaviors dissipate. And the end of the day the 180 is for you and your sanity. Everything else falls into to place after that. Most spouses don't know they "care." Caring gets blocked by everything else negative. If your spouse just up and cared, there would be no need for a 180. Link to post Share on other sites
robf1971 Posted August 21, 2011 Share Posted August 21, 2011 quicker then you would've thought, where you knew that you would be okay even if she stuck to leaving? Yep I knew I'd get my kids 50/50, For some reason I started to get a whole load of attention from women, never acted on it. I'm 40 for goodness sake, finding myself getting hit on by 25 year olds. It did however make me feel good about my self, I think I must have been giving that vibe off to my wife . I started laughing, going out with my own friends in mixed groups. My wife who refused to go on a date with me suddenly started to hang out with me again. I remember one week I asked her to a movie and she said I don't want to date anymore. The next week I got invited to a house party, she wanted to come to that. Every time she said "I'm not sure if I want to stay with you" my reply was with a smile " whatever you do is fine by me, I'm the happiest I've been for years" I just acted happy and confident event though deep down sometimes I was cracking up and it worked. In the end she asked for us to go to marriage counselling. Link to post Share on other sites
dreamingoftigers Posted August 21, 2011 Share Posted August 21, 2011 When Craig first started dating his wife (or any one of us) we were confident, never have taken any BS from our wives. Over the years we become pleasers, yes maam,no maam 3 bags full maam. This repells women. The other thing is us being passive aggresive. AND you forget that you listened with your whole heart to things she was having trouble with/found difficult. You wanted to help her and be her hero. You were there when she cried. Then when you became a big part of her life, sometimes you were the part that was difficult for her and she would complain or cry. You lost your part because you felt recast as the villain. You hated it and tried to argue with her that you signed on to be the hero. "it isn't that bad Honey. You are making too much of this. You are never happy enough." Really what she was doing was what she had always done: here I am with you my hero, sharing my pain and the way that you show me that you are my hero is by saying, "I understand your pain and will go through this with you." You forgot HOW to be her hero. Then she began to wonder if she married the villain..... Link to post Share on other sites
Author Craig2425 Posted August 21, 2011 Author Share Posted August 21, 2011 Have you been at my house? My wife has said all the same things to me. What did you do? Just the 180? Qoutes from wife to me in Aug 2010 in front of marriage counsellor "We've come to counselling today because I want Rob to understand that I don't want to be married to him anymore, he just doesn't get it" To my parents / her parents "Rob and I are splitting up" and to all our friends too To me The ever classic "I love you but I'm not in love with you" "I'm not sexually attracted to you" "I never want to kiss you again" "I no longer feel comfortable naked in front of you" "I've no romantic feelings for you anymore" Then there was the I haven't been happy for X years BS, ohh How about "Please find a new girlfriend and move on" Repeated ad nauseum for months, So please stop telling me my situation was any better than anyone else here Link to post Share on other sites
dreamingoftigers Posted August 21, 2011 Share Posted August 21, 2011 Yep I knew I'd get my kids 50/50, For some reason I started to get a whole load of attention from women, never acted on it. I'm 40 for goodness sake, finding myself getting hit on by 25 year olds. It did however make me feel good about my self, I think I must have been giving that vibe off to my wife . I started laughing, going out with my own friends in mixed groups. My wife who refused to go on a date with me suddenly started to hang out with me again. I remember one week I asked her to a movie and she said I don't want to date anymore. The next week I got invited to a house party, she wanted to come to that. Every time she said "I'm not sure if I want to stay with you" my reply was with a smile " whatever you do is fine by me, I'm the happiest I've been for years" I just acted happy and confident event though deep down sometimes I was cracking up and it worked. In the end she asked for us to go to marriage counselling. Yep, same thing. He pulls the "blah blah blah move on" and staying out all night (not for awhile now) ( this is the equivalent of telling a guy "you just aren't who I want to be married to and your touch makes my skin crawl.") They push and test to see if you are trying to "get one over on them." It took me a couple (okay actually many) months to get my 180 down to a place where I didn't push buttons. But even in the first couple of days, I felt this strange power over my situation and realized that I had a lot more say in what was happening here then I had thought before. I acted confident and felt that inner connectedness and more people make conversations with me and seem happier. As soon as you don't need anything from them and can supply a good mood and a nice conversation, it is like you attract so much more into your life. You realize that you are not just gonna be okay, but that you can handle this and it isn't as hard as it looked before. You can lose everything else, but you got your hope and dignity back so ha ha ha. Link to post Share on other sites
dreamingoftigers Posted August 21, 2011 Share Posted August 21, 2011 Have you been at my house? My wife has said all the same things to me. What did you do? Just the 180? We've all been spying on you. Remember that PM you sent regarding her words? I swear that women are practically giving directions saying: these are all the things you have to prove that you are not, but don't make it obvious that you are doing it just to get me back. "if the bastard makes it over these walls and doesn't hate me, he'll get me for life." My God, maybe we are just as bad as men. Link to post Share on other sites
marqueemoon4 Posted August 21, 2011 Share Posted August 21, 2011 So please stop telling me my situation was any better than anyone else here look I'm not trying to downplay the severity of your situation.. but you're the exception, not the rule. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Craig2425 Posted August 21, 2011 Author Share Posted August 21, 2011 So aweek ago I was asked when can I move out(this is her place)? And l that we should start splitting our weeks with her again. I was trying to prolong this as long as I could but after finding she was speaking with om I packed some clothes and left to my moms with daughter. My daughter is obviously hurt and doesn't umdersand why she's not at home and niether am I. She's been asking to go home all day today. Should i just take her back home? I feel horrible because I don't want her to hurt but I don't want to miss out on our time. This sucks that w is calling all the shots and now my daughter doesn't want to spend time with me Link to post Share on other sites
Author Craig2425 Posted August 21, 2011 Author Share Posted August 21, 2011 I'm thinking I'm just being selfish and I should just take her back. I ****ing hate this so bad Link to post Share on other sites
dreamingoftigers Posted August 22, 2011 Share Posted August 22, 2011 I'm thinking I'm just being selfish and I should just take her back. I ****ing hate this so bad Just hold on a minute. Don't make any moves right now until you have come down in emotion for a bit. Just relax. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Craig2425 Posted August 22, 2011 Author Share Posted August 22, 2011 I am in such a bad place right now. I felt so bad that my daughter was upset so I took her home. Even tho I wanted to see her and spend time with her so bad I couldn't stand to see her sad and upset. It's day ****ing one(not supposed to be my day without her) and I'm already a ****ing mess. How the hell am I supposed to make It thru this? How the hell is she ok with this? What mother in their right mind would be ok with not trying and not seeing their kid every day? There should be a law that since she's the one that wants out that she should give up her rights to the kid. She gets to visit with her every other weekend. It's too easy to just give up with no consequences and thats why nobody ****ing tries. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Craig2425 Posted August 22, 2011 Author Share Posted August 22, 2011 I want to write her and ask her what the **** is she doing? How could she do this to our daughter? I know it will do no good and that's why I'm here instead but at the same time i still want to. I'm a mess Link to post Share on other sites
dreamingoftigers Posted August 22, 2011 Share Posted August 22, 2011 The shot storm won't clear quickly. Accept that this will be a process. The quicker you can accept the fact that things will take time to sort themselves and that you will be very uncomfortable for a long time, the sooner you can start to work out these things with a more positive result. I know it is so so tough. I hope I haven't crossed over into nagging you land. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Craig2425 Posted August 22, 2011 Author Share Posted August 22, 2011 No not at all. Feel free to keep doing what you're doing. I understand what you and everybody says that things will get better. It just takes time. But right now it's not better and it ****ing sucks! Everything I've done for the past 11 years has been a team effort. Buying cars, houses, kids, and now it's what she says and it doesn't matter what I say. In fact if I say anything it makes it worse and she goes even further to what she was doing. How is it that is takes two people to decide and try for a kid but she can take her away from me and I have no say about that? Link to post Share on other sites
dreamingoftigers Posted August 22, 2011 Share Posted August 22, 2011 Blech. Does she have a court order of any kind? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Craig2425 Posted August 22, 2011 Author Share Posted August 22, 2011 Not that I know of.'why? Link to post Share on other sites
dreamingoftigers Posted August 22, 2011 Share Posted August 22, 2011 Well you said that you have no say. I thought she must've gotten something legal. I think right now you have a say. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Craig2425 Posted August 22, 2011 Author Share Posted August 22, 2011 Not really. If i say anythunh to her she will just turn it around and say I'm pushing her blah blah blah. She can say she cant get past stuff and it's over . If I try and talk to her it's like talking to a wall Link to post Share on other sites
dreamingoftigers Posted August 22, 2011 Share Posted August 22, 2011 Ever try a jackhammer? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Craig2425 Posted August 22, 2011 Author Share Posted August 22, 2011 Lol. I'm getting conflicting answers. Just leave her alone and now you want Me to ask her? Maybe it's too late for this? Link to post Share on other sites
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