optimisticgirl Posted February 16, 2011 Posted February 16, 2011 Ha! Gator! You make it sound like I'm not going to post anymore. Silliness! He sent me a text about an hour ago asking how I did on a test that I was getting results for today. After I posted just a moment ago...i decided..."alright...just call him to tell him about the test and to say goodnight." I called, he was studying, we chatted for oh..three minutes..and then he said he had to let me go so he could focus. It's very weird. I'll tell you that. Very. very weird. We used to spend hours going over our studies together... I can do my best to take it slow. But its just weird. How does someone start over like that? After reconciliation - and open lines of communication - then what? This is such uncharted territory.
gator12 Posted February 16, 2011 Posted February 16, 2011 Hahah sorry most people tend to do that though even though they end up needing more advice quite soon after reconciliation. But it's just like when you first started dating him. You had no clue what to expect you just went at it. Treat it the same way, take it slowly don't expect it to be everything you had before for a few months really. The difference here though, is you know alot of issues that you didn't know the first time so you know you can nip those in the bud. I'm really pulling for you . All the best, -Gator
optimisticgirl Posted February 16, 2011 Posted February 16, 2011 A few months. Okay. Just breathing on that for a moment... I have a feeling this is going to be hard too! Hopefully someday soon I won't think about him all day long... What do you think - I'm supposed to put a deposit down on an apartment on Friday. I'm currently living with my parents. Its not that bad...but I've got an itch to be on my own. Problem is. Financially it doesn't make much sense. I'd have to sign the lease for 12 months. Do you think im being to hasty with this?
gator12 Posted February 16, 2011 Posted February 16, 2011 Yea it's a tough pill to swallow but it's a fact, you've got a long road ahead of you which is why I caution becoming too involved at the beginning before you know he's really committed to trying as hard as you are. The apartment, well that's your decision. I understand wanting to be independent I mean we all want that, but if you know for a fact you cannot handle it then don't do it. If you think you can handle it, even with a little extra effort, then go for it. You're a highly ambitious person and I have no doubt you can handle any obstacle that comes your way. -Gator
optimisticgirl Posted February 16, 2011 Posted February 16, 2011 I really do want to be independent. But like I said, I don't want to be too hasty about it. 1 main reason I want to get it is because I'm pretty much driving my parents insane with the back and forth of all of this - they asked me to stop treating their house "like a hotel." So...I feel bad. Not that I am expecting a sudden change, but I really don't see him being as committed to "fixing it" as I am. He isn't really doing much. I feel like the "we'll see each other on weekends" was some plow to keep my on the back burner. And he hasn't really made any real attempts to call...or text. It's been me. I've been positive and upbeat yes, but I have been the one doing most of the initiating. I've got to stop that. Urg.
gator12 Posted February 16, 2011 Posted February 16, 2011 I really do want to be independent. But like I said, I don't want to be too hasty about it. 1 main reason I want to get it is because I'm pretty much driving my parents insane with the back and forth of all of this - they asked me to stop treating their house "like a hotel." So...I feel bad. Not that I am expecting a sudden change, but I really don't see him being as committed to "fixing it" as I am. He isn't really doing much. I feel like the "we'll see each other on weekends" was some plow to keep my on the back burner. And he hasn't really made any real attempts to call...or text. It's been me. I've been positive and upbeat yes, but I have been the one doing most of the initiating. I've got to stop that. Urg. Yea I understand, take your time and make a careful decision about it. Give it a week or two to really think about it before you move out. As for the ex, do the same, if he is not trying hard enough after a few weeks then talk to him about it. Communication is the key, make sure he has the same goals for the relationship as you. That he really is committed to trying, sometimes they don't jump right into trying hard which yea is kind of messed up, but maybe they just need to ease into it. Give him a bit of time but if nothing changes talk to him, don't settle for someone who isn't going to put the level of effort you are. Oooo and don't always be the initiator, maintain your independence. Let him start texting you a bit, lol he has to work at this relationship and needs to know that. He can't think it's all just going to work out with no effort after what he did to you. -Gator
optimisticgirl Posted February 16, 2011 Posted February 16, 2011 I sent him a message around 1 today to see if he still wanted to go to a hockey game this weekend like we had planned on LAST weekend. So I could get the tickets... All i said was...."hey there...still down for that hockey game on Friday? Gotta get the tickets." He knows I do need to reserve them...they are corporate box seats from where I work. No answer...nada...nothing... We were supposed to hang out tonight to. I'm out of work in an hour...do I call him like nothing or wait for him to call? I'm no good at this dating thing. See what I mean though...by the no effort thing. No effort to even respond. He isn't trying. He's lying. Or Selfish. I dunno.
gator12 Posted February 17, 2011 Posted February 17, 2011 You reached out, the ball is in his court. If he doens't start trying very soon you are gonig to have to talk to him about it, so far it's not looking optimistic. If he isn't willing to try for you then he's not worth it and you will do everyone a favor by kicking him to the curb where he belongs. There are def better guys out there who dream of finding a girl like you. -Gator
optimisticgirl Posted February 17, 2011 Posted February 17, 2011 Update. Still taking things slow but I've realized a few things about myself... I went back and read my posts. Its seems as though I am a bit controlling and nagging. I never let him have his space...and by re-reading it can see that now. I'm pretty impatient! I guess I always knew this about myself, I just didn't see it happening within our relationship. The "not trying" of him yesterday ended up just another impatient moment for me. He called...right at 5:30...he had been running errands all day and left his phone at home...which is why he didn't answer my text. Worrying gets me nowhere...I wasted like the entire afternoon being upset with him for silence to a text message. Get a life optimistic girl! Anyhow...he called, had went grocery shopping to make dinner! I went and ran some errands first and then went over to the house...dinner was ready and on the table (this is, a HUGE difference in how our life was before. and im kinda liking it.) He said...see...you never thought I could do things like this, you always had to have the control. Youre still the boss, you'll always be the boss, I like it when you're the boss. Just learn to delegate baby, trust me on this one. It'll make both of us a lot happier. You want to fix this right? After dinner we had a great night...a productive night too...took a lonnnng walk with the dog. Seriously just relaxed. I did tell him that I love hanging at home, but we needed to get out - do something fun. For the both of us. He agreed. Instead of the hockey game, which would be a "group thing" we're going to go snowboarding this weekend, just the two of us. Still taking it slow. Not blaming it all on me. But just not worrying so much. I am not 100% positive that we can "fix it" but with time...hopefully it will be a little more clear. It's still hard!!!
gator12 Posted February 17, 2011 Posted February 17, 2011 You're doing very good optimistic, there is hope for you guys for sure. The guy sounds like he's going to try this time, and it's good that you have realized your mistakes in the relationships. As long as both of you have learned from the past and work towards it, I'm sure this second chance will work. =] -Gator
optimisticgirl Posted February 18, 2011 Posted February 18, 2011 So...things are "OK" Here's whats up thought. And I know we can't be completely comfortable just yet...but everything is so awkward. He asked that I come over for movies after class last night...i said okay...and instead we ended up going out for a drink to get out of the house. We only stayed out for an hour....barley had anything to say... It's like the spark is gone He seems really disappointed in me...that this ever happened in the first place. He isn't saying that, i just know him...and he seems disappointed. Anyhow...any ideas of how to "get the spark" back.
optimisticgirl Posted February 18, 2011 Posted February 18, 2011 I need suggestions for tonight! I was thinking wine and dine. Look nice. Dress up. And also help...to talk to my family about this. Particularly my older brother. Whom never liked EX. They are flipping out - and not buying the "i love him. he is my person. we are taking it slow to see what happens."
gator12 Posted February 18, 2011 Posted February 18, 2011 Wine and dine sounds great. Sometimes it takes a little bit of effort to get the spark back. Just don't feel so down, be confident tonight, keep the conversation going. But be careful, I'm not trying to worry you but sometimes the spark just never comes back once it's gone. Only time will tell, keep it up for now it's too early to tell. But this dinner sounds very sweet and romantic and I'd def go for it. Just be careful not to rush into things, like dont do this dinner thing every night. At best you guys are only 50% of what you were before you broke up on a relationship level. So take your time, like it's the very first time you're going out with him, treat it like that. -Gator
optimisticgirl Posted February 18, 2011 Posted February 18, 2011 Thanks for the advice gator. I'm really anxious about this. Plans have changed. Tentatively anyhow... We were able to get the tickets to the hockey game box seats from my workplace. He said this morning that he'd want to go to that if we were able to....i told him i'd have to wait and see if i could make it happen. Well...I made it happen. Sent him a text to let him know that it was all good and i've got everything ready to go. Now he isn't answering me. If he blows me off....i swear....ill never forgive him. I'll be embarressed at my workplace, as well as in my personal life. Im trying not to freak out. Since the other day when i freaked out it got me no where.... but we are supposed to leave in an hour..again...i haven't talked to him to let him know where to meet me... im going to be so embarrassed.
gator12 Posted February 19, 2011 Posted February 19, 2011 I hope it worked out, I am assuming it did since you haven't posted about it yet. I have my fingers crossed . There'd be no point in ditching you, anyways, I hope the night went well. Please give us an update. -Gator
optimisticgirl Posted February 21, 2011 Posted February 21, 2011 Things are good then bad. He didn't blow me off for the game. I was sure that he was going to...but I clearly worry too much. We went to the game...had a great time, lol it was sort of weird...as my workplace knew we had seperated...pretty clear when I didnt have my engagement ring on. Anyhow..game was good. On Saturday we woke up and got in a little tiff...him saying he loves me but he is still just so confused and he feels like he has to be honest with me. I left for awhile and went to my parents house to take a nap and clean up a little bit. Once I came back home he said he'd like for me to move in again...because all of the back and forth from my parents house to our house was surely stressful for me. I said okay - but that the fact that he was still confused worried me...that it would just end up in a tail spin again...he assured me that it wouldnt. That night (Saturday) he took me to dinner at the newest restaurant in town...bought dinner, drinks and called me sisters out to come meet us. After awhile, I had a breakdown (it was also my birthday, i hate birthdays...haha i know thats weird but women really hate knowing that they are older.) I literally started crying and walked out of the bar. He came out...told me to get in the car he had to take me somewhere so I could feel better. He took me to the karaoke bar. And paid the DJ $100 so I could go next. (it was 1am.) Pretty big thing for me...i used to sing all the time..had been talking about how i never sing anymore and it really upsets me...(this was part of my breakdown earlier in the night.) So you can see here. That he is really trying! We woke up sunday morning - all was well-- and talked a lot about what we both want and need from the relationship. Even wrote it down. Later on I went to my parents house for birthday dinner...he didn't come...but we had agreed to him not coming...as to not throw all of the confusion in my parents face. I took a step back and said , "alright. its just dinner. Ill see you later on." A compromise. A good compromise. To not get everyone and there mother involved in our confusion again. so. last night after i got home. everything was quiet and calm. we watched movies...did homework...laughed...ect ect. This morning when we woke up....he went back on the "confusion" train. So. You can understand...my title...of "back and forth and still in love." Im just going to stop being so available for him....so he can realize how retarded he is being with he says he is confused. I'm also not moving my stuff back in. Not until the ring is back on my finger. Hopefully that will bring some clarity. But this is what "taking it slow" is. I guess.
heartshaped Posted February 21, 2011 Posted February 21, 2011 I definitely don't think you should be moving back in. He's obviously confused about what he wants to do and moving back in now would only complicate things. I say you start looking for your own place. I think the only reason you really haven't is because you were holding out hope that you would move back in with him. It's just not a good idea right now and not a good idea in the near future. I would try, if possible though, to just get a six month lease. I agree with you as well that you need to stop being so available to him. Go out and live your life. Do the things that you enjoy. Don't respond to his messages so quickly or go out every time he asks you. I think the two of you aren't giving each other enough space. It's the only way that the two of you can really work on yourselves. I think he needs some space to figure out what he wants and you need some as well.
optimisticgirl Posted February 21, 2011 Posted February 21, 2011 Yeah. It is time for me to get my own place. I had off of work today...was at the house with the dog... He came home...greeted nicely...talked about the day for a moment. He asked when I was going to move stuff in again and if i still planned to do that... I told him I thought it may be a good idea to get my own place, while we figure things out...since we have both been so confused... He then called me a lying cunt. and a stupid idiot. and he knew i would leave him the minute he wanted me back. I told him that was the purpose. the purpose was to give each other space... kept calling me names...over and over. i didn't react back....i just said i'd talk to him when he calmed down. he did calm down...but then started crying...said he was sorry, said he wishes he could love me like i deserve, that he just wants me to come home...and then left for night class.. I'm beginning to think I'm on a crazy train roller coaster and he truly is insane/bi polar/ pstd/ something!....and at this point...i can't take it...im trying to just breathe. And now the question is. Why did i even stay to let him calm down when he called me a lying cunt. Honestly. What the heck is wrong with me? Why am I not already in a new apartment! Why do i let him talk to me like that even if he is just frustrated. He's so hot and cold. Why do I keep buying this insanity?!
heartshaped Posted February 22, 2011 Posted February 22, 2011 He then called me a lying cunt. and a stupid idiot. and he knew i would leave him the minute he wanted me back... kept calling me names...over and over. I think the thing is neither of you handle your feelings well. Remember this whole thing started because you erased one of his text messages, lied about it, and broke his phone. Neither of you seems to know what is appropriate behavior and isn't. Which isn't the end of the world, but you both have to realize what is acceptable, appropriate behavior when upset and what isn't. I think you both have growth to do as individual people before being able to be a better couple, but both of you have to be able to recognize what it is that each of you need to work on. It's a long road and a hard one, but part of it is not allowing certain behavior from your SO. When he started name calling you should have told him that you weren't going to be tolerated being degraded like that and he could call you when he was calm. There was no need for you to stand there and take that. It only sends two messages 1) this behavior is acceptable and 2) you'll allow it.
TokyoG33kyGal Posted February 23, 2011 Posted February 23, 2011 hi optimisticgirl, i had a similar experience with an ex-boyfriend whom i dated for two years. i think he has a borderline personality disorder because he's afraid of intimacy and abandonment. he started acting weird when he found out he's about to leave Japan (he's in the navy). he didn't have any plans how we would continue our relationship which troubled me. then he started to ignore me too, it's like he's preparing himself for the heartbreak and expecting the worse even if it hasn't happened yet. like you, we also had a petty fight one time and he blown it out of proportion. when i went back home for a vacation, that's when he gave me attention. he even bought me a ring to appease me. he's very good at giving gifts after a fight (some say it's a sign of a future abuser) but i keep getting hurt every time i go back to him. we have fun and after that he gets confused and distances himself. he put up a wall to protect himself from pain not knowing it's already causing him pain, it's so destructive. i totally went NC with him last year's valentine's. sent him flowers, a letter and gave back the stuffs he left at my house. he got mad...but like your ex, sometimes he would text me for some trivial stuff like helping him with his laptop. ignored him to bits and it really made me feel better after a couple of months without him in my system. he continued to send me messages on facebook, at work, e-mail, voice messages...i just ignored them until he found out i was dating another guy. my ex also has trust issues. he used to date a girl back home and she kept cheating on him. after that he never had any serious relationship except with me. sorry if i am not offering you real advice here but i guess i want you to take a look at how unhealthy this would be...to go back and forth and keep hurting.
gator12 Posted February 23, 2011 Posted February 23, 2011 Yeah. It is time for me to get my own place. I had off of work today...was at the house with the dog... He came home...greeted nicely...talked about the day for a moment. He asked when I was going to move stuff in again and if i still planned to do that... I told him I thought it may be a good idea to get my own place, while we figure things out...since we have both been so confused... He then called me a lying cunt. and a stupid idiot. and he knew i would leave him the minute he wanted me back. I told him that was the purpose. the purpose was to give each other space... kept calling me names...over and over. i didn't react back....i just said i'd talk to him when he calmed down. he did calm down...but then started crying...said he was sorry, said he wishes he could love me like i deserve, that he just wants me to come home...and then left for night class.. I'm beginning to think I'm on a crazy train roller coaster and he truly is insane/bi polar/ pstd/ something!....and at this point...i can't take it...im trying to just breathe. And now the question is. Why did i even stay to let him calm down when he called me a lying cunt. Honestly. What the heck is wrong with me? Why am I not already in a new apartment! Why do i let him talk to me like that even if he is just frustrated. He's so hot and cold. Why do I keep buying this insanity?! Hey optimistic, sorry it's been a while. Yea he has all of the classic symptoms of bi-polar disorder. The guy isn't in touch with his emotions in any way. This going to be a problem for your relationship, and so far he hasn't shown that he really is worth the trouble. Maybe give it another week, but I really think you're getting close to that point where you need to completely move on. And DON'T ever let him disrespect you like that again, I can't stand it when men talk to women like that, don't ever let him do that, he has no right. Anyway, stay strong and keep us updated -Gator
optimisticgirl Posted February 23, 2011 Posted February 23, 2011 Tokyo girl...my ex (or whatever he is now) was also in the navy. and also cheated on before. I duno guys, its hard...its hard to just leave him...i think i want to leave him now. but its hard to actually do it. He's nice, then mean, as i was saying...over and over... he bought a brand new bedframe yesterday...set it up...surprised me with it after work (something i ahd been mentioning a ton over the past year or so..)......but then this morning yelled at me again...not with harsh words this time just with "well now that you are home - you need to start keeping up with things again." (laundry..dishes..) this is just another big gift...it worries me that it IS a sign of an abuser now that i think about it. its all going back to me doing eerything and him being the "king" giving it some time to settle down....seeing if it will be any better. but also still looking for an apartment. ugh!
kaygato Posted February 23, 2011 Posted February 23, 2011 Yeah optimisticgirl he doesn't really seem worth the trouble. He doesn't sound like he's appreciating you very much, and his blowing up at you is leaving you walking on eggshells. It seems like he's blaming you for everything wrong in the relationship when the reality seems to be you're doing more than your share. He just doesn't seem to care enough about you and your feelings. If things don't improve soon, I would leave him.
TokyoG33kyGal Posted February 24, 2011 Posted February 24, 2011 (edited) Tokyo girl...my ex (or whatever he is now) was also in the navy. and also cheated on before. I duno guys, its hard...its hard to just leave him...i think i want to leave him now. but its hard to actually do it. He's nice, then mean, as i was saying...over and over... that's the thing with them. my relationship with my ex was the same. he's hot and then cold. when we get back together, everything's wonderful until he sees something wrong with it (or lack of it) then he self-destructs. it hurts more everytime you break up, though the honeymoon-phase everytime you get back together becomes shorter and shorter...but intense each time. he bought a brand new bedframe yesterday...set it up...surprised me with it after work (something i ahd been mentioning a ton over the past year or so..)......but then this morning yelled at me again...not with harsh words this time just with "well now that you are home - you need to start keeping up with things again." (laundry..dishes..) this is just another big gift...it worries me that it IS a sign of an abuser now that i think about it. its all going back to me doing eerything and him being the "king" giving it some time to settle down....seeing if it will be any better. but also still looking for an apartment. ugh! my ex also would give me some gifts. he's normally a cheapskate so it was surprising everytime we fight, he will give me video games, expensive perfume, flowers or sometimes he would take me out. then yeah...he also refers to himself as a king (literally). he does not know how to cook food by himself. when i cook for him he would find something wrong with it like it doesn't taste like his mom's cooking or anything trivial. i am not really a submissive person but i tend to do much for the one i love, sometimes too much for my own good. but that was the last straw. i cannot stand walking on eggshells (as kaygato said) and having to please him each time. his feelings are not my responsibility since i have given him so much attention. i suggest you read on articles about personality disorder. i know it's difficult at first to move on, this is why NC is important. you are "enmeshed" right now, reason why you cannot let go yet. Edited February 24, 2011 by TokyoG33kyGal
optimisticgirl Posted February 25, 2011 Posted February 25, 2011 I just dont know how to get out. I'm not strong enough..or i feel like im not. I have money of my own but not enough save up really. My parents have said i can't just move back home again...since i've put them through so much...i have to try to "work it out" with him because "this is what marriage is like, you have your ups and downs and you have to see it through because you made a commitment." They say its just the winter blues...and we both have cabin fever...and in a few months things will be just fine. We went for drinks with friends last night....everything was okay. He was actually paying a lot of attention to me...all over me, ect. ect. I just feel like...things aren't going to get better. Now that I am back home...I feel weird being there. He doesn't appreciate me like I want him too...however I can't picture my life without him. I'm so conflicted. I feel like everything is happening above me. I can't eat, sleep, I'm slacking at work...Im actually pretty depressed. My mom suggested I go get some anti-depressants. To up my mood - so I don't "ruin my life" and leave him. I dont know what to do... I just want him to have a big smile on his face when i get home...talk to me like we used to. Things will never be the same. He gave me the ring back...I've yet to put it back on. He ddn't re-propose...he just left it on my dresser...
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