Back and Forth...Still in Love

[optimisticgirl]

communication is key If he would only realize that on his own...

 

I gotta get back to my paper. Gotta keep up that full ride.

 

You pumped me up Gator.

 

Updates tomorrow. Good ones I hope. Good = I didnt talk to him ALL DAY. Or accept bread crumbs.

[gator12]

Hah I look forward to them .

[optimisticgirl]

Im worried that he has too much pride to come back.

 

Im worried that since he said "its over" that he wont come back unless i let him know that we can get over this together.

 

I havent contacted him.

 

Im just worried he wont think he can do it.

[optimisticgirl]

I have had to be the strength and hope in this relationship the whole time.

 

If i stop being the strength and letting him know it'll all be okay.

 

He won't realize it on his own.

[gator12]

Optimistic , you can worry about it all you want but you know it's not true. Whether you like it or not, you are not the strength in the relationship anymore, the relationship is over. It's sad but right now the ball is in his court and his court alone, you not replying to him makes that very clear. I know how hard it is, and I know all of the worries you are going through, because I went through them. We all do. But in the end, they are just that, they are worries. My ex came back despite all of my worries, and not once did I falter from my NC after I truely committed to it. That commitment is going to be very hard for you to maintain, but look you have not contacted him, and that is proof in and of itself that you CAN do it.

 

Pride is a silly thing, we're full of it, I'll admit it as a guy. But if there is one thing that we lose all of our pride, all of our dignity for in a sense, it's love. Love doesn't stop because of something because of pride, love is stronger than that. I mean the saying that love makes people do stupid things had to come from somewhere. He will come back if it's meant to be, the only thing that will ever stop him from coming back, well things, are 1. The love was never there, or 2. You drive him away. NC gets rid of the 2nd possibility so now it's in love's hands.

 

But you can't worry about it anymore, you will never heal if you keep thinking about him day in and day out. You need to go out and have fun, heal and move on. I say move on, because moving on doesn't mean giving up. It means accepting that the relationship is over, that it did die. That if you get back together it won't be the same relationship again. It means accepting that he may never come back, despite your love for him not dying. The hope he comes back will always live on, but you can't cling to it. Clinging to it will only make you miserable, and will only make your life harder. Be strong, you're at the lowest of the low right now. You go from really high to really low on a daily basis, but it will pass. The future is bright, I mean, aren't you an optimist?

 

-Gator

[optimisticgirl]

Yes. I'm an optimist. I just need to learn to be an optimist for myself, and not for him or for "us" . It's too much work.

 

He came back before when I ignored him. Came back so hard that he PROPOSED.

 

He says that he can't keep coming back...and that it clearly wasn't working. And that he is doing both of us a favor by refusing to stay together and work through it.

 

I know he wont come back. He isn't even sure taht he wants to leave, but he's already told himself that its unfix-able...

 

I should probably move into the coping section.

 

I just can't though, I still have my stupid optimistic hope that everything will be just fine!

[gator12]

Guys say things all of the time without meaning them, who kows what is really going through his head. If he loved you he could easily change his mind in the future. It really doesn;t matter what he said or is thinking, you eed to heal yourself right now in whatever way possible; you're right now is the time to be the optimist about you. This guy isn't in your life anymore, you need to live for you. Start with a smile, you've got a wonderful future ahead of you.

 

-Gator

[chloe56]

Hi, I have been in a similar situation too. I kept thinking at first it was just a case of cold feet, then a very bad case of cold feet as wedding day was fast approaching. We got together three times, had to call family up twice to tell them wedding is off.

 

Basically, as Gator has been telling you, which is also a painful lesson to realise at the time and accept, if he wants you, he will find a way to contact you, and you will be in no doubt he wants to be with you. Same as you had done so far, you still remembered his address didn't you? I am sorry if it comes across harsh, but sooner you start taking care of you, the better.

[optimisticgirl]

Chloe - you aren't hard. You broke it off twice? What happened? Can you tell me your story? It may help.

 

Trying to do it for myself. and those words aren't harsh. at this point I need harsh. I don't deserve to be treated like this. He twists everything. He makes me feel really bad!

 

He sent me a text tonight..."I'm sorry."

[gator12]

Now I only hope you didn't reply to his text optimistic...

 

Please tell me you didn't. That one was a crumb, a classic one too.

 

Tell me you deleted it and never thought twice about replying.

[chloe56]

Hey, hope you are ok after getting the text. Don't read too much into it, if he wanted to, he would have told you exactly what you two can do to make it work.

 

My story condensed and with lessons learnt in hindsight, is that he did get cold feet, he also picked up a new and adventurous hobby:motorbikes, that he was completely involved with and I wasn't(though I never discouraged him, infact helped him buy his bike,gear and even introduced him to bikers I knew), and he wanted to be free.

 

I tried getting back together with him, by talking to his friends and sister, begging them to please ask him to talk to me, get back with me. Pathetic really. I did not want to see that he probably was bored and just didn't want a relationship with me any more.

 

Ironically his friend told me at one point, that I should realise that if ex is not contacting me then that is the strongest clue that I should let it go. Well, I learned the hard way. Still love him, but accept its over and moving on. Learnt that if someone wants out, open that door wide for them even if it hurts and shut it behind them. If someone loves you, they would not do this to you. Sad but true.

[optimisticgirl]

I probably look at it 100 times.

 

Had 100 different replys written.

 

but then thought to myself - if he can't say more than TWO WORDS. Why am I spending time writing a text message book. So I didn't reply.But - it doesn't feel as good as i thought it would. It feels more like my non-response is that its over... ;( but i duno.

 

He sent it while I was in class, I literally almost made up an excuse to leave because it hurt so bad. But then on break...as I was about to go...my good friend asked me to come have a smoke with him. So I chose that. (Lesser of two evils at this point) Then the rest of the class somehow seemed extremely fun.

 

I don't know if it was the look on my face or if it was just mental or what but everyone was talking to me - everyone started making jokes...I even made a joke... maybe i just never noticed it before, but - people like me! I think for the past month ive really been beating up on myself. The professor was even complimenting me. Very odd for him. What made me sad was that I think this has been happening the entire time, I've just been so in my head, beating myself up, that I haven't realized it.

 

I mean, even after that, im not a pillar of strength so - cried the whole way home, cried myself to sleep. But never responded.

 

Chole you have no idea how that resonates with me. My sister in law told me that all his actions say are that 'he isn't ready and he wants to be free.' so just let him go, and dont let him do this to you.

 

I dont know if its true just yet, but maybe he is bored...and doesn't want a relationship with me any more...and isn't in love with me.

 

Big pill to swallow though.

[chloe56]

Hey, you are strong and you will get through this. There are lots of us going through similar stuff, if you read some older threads, you will see how others have coped and come through the other side of the tunnel. Might provide you with useful tips and hints too. Frankly LS has been my crutch through all this.

 

Its not a reflection of your personality that he left, its more a reflection of his character. You are liked, people talking to you more now shows that they are perceiving that you are now in a better place with your grief. Think of how you would act around someone mourning a death, you, well I, would be cautious not to set them off in tears with a careless comment. It also shows that you are liked that, they are watching out for your feelings.

 

Also if you are finding it hard to resist, there is a thread in the coping section that you can post what you would like to reply/say to your ex. Its : http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t117844/

Hope you find it useful.

 

This is a big blow to overcome, for anyone. I have my moments still, going on to 6 months now, it gets better I promise. Just have to see the first few months through, you will be fine. One more thing, stop trying to find out from him why, its pointless, just let him be and try to do things you enjoy. You never know what the rest of this year will bring!

[optimisticgirl]

Hey, you are strong and you will get through this. There are lots of us going through similar stuff, if you read some older threads, you will see how others have coped and come through the other side of the tunnel. Might provide you with useful tips and hints too. Frankly LS has been my crutch through all this.

 

Its not a reflection of your personality that he left, its more a reflection of his character. You are liked, people talking to you more now shows that they are perceiving that you are now in a better place with your grief. Think of how you would act around someone mourning a death, you, well I, would be cautious not to set them off in tears with a careless comment. It also shows that you are liked that, they are watching out for your feelings.

 

Also if you are finding it hard to resist, there is a thread in the coping section that you can post what you would like to reply/say to your ex. Its : http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t117844/

Hope you find it useful.

 

This is a big blow to overcome, for anyone. I have my moments still, going on to 6 months now, it gets better I promise. Just have to see the first few months through, you will be fine. One more thing, stop trying to find out from him why, its pointless, just let him be and try to do things you enjoy. You never know what the rest of this year will bring!

 

 

I just keep clinging to the hope that he'll realize what he's doing and come back to me. Take the "I'm sorry" and turn it into "im sorry, come home, lets work on this. One step at a time."

 

I really believe that we could stick it out and work through it and we'd be just fine. As far as getting married in September, no. I couldn't do that to my family. I mean...what would I say....

 

"we hit a bump (huge one) we both over-reacted, he got cold feet, and now we are both just fine. were totally in love and thats all that matters! Can I have that $20K back dad? I swear we won't get divorced!"

 

The wedding is off for now (and probably for good)...I just want to take baby steps. and get to the point where I can just go home...play with my sweet puppy who I miss dearly...enjoy a nicely cooked dinner...kiss my man & get a kiss from him...and smile with a happy hearts.

 

Valentines day and my birthday are both coming up. I'm REALLY expecting something from him on both of those days. Even if its just a phone call. and it will REALLY REALLY hurt when i don't get anything.

 

My stomach hurts. But hopefully you are right Chloe - that it will get better.

 

And hopefully you are right too Gator - that if the love was there - he WILL come back.

[optimisticgirl]

I really don't blame him for not wanting to see me and talk to me. I ruined everything. Not only did i flip out originally, but then i terrorized him for a good three weeks. With anger, confusion, desperateness. Although I'm doing better with things now and see things as they really were, I only wish I'd seen it before I messed up everything. And dealt with it like an adult.

 

He asked me why i flipped out and ruined out lives.

 

I saw this photo of the picnic table he built me - when i was stressed out about having our parents over for dinner and not having an outdoor seating area on the patio to eat at. I went shopping in the morning and he had it built when I got home. He was so good to me...why is it too late!

 

I was looking at the annual christmas card photo my family sends out. It was the first year he was in it, as we were engaged. I remember how cute he was that day and how excited, buying a new shirt and tie so as to make a good impression. That was such a nice day and I know he went out of your way to make me feel special and too look great for the family photo. We looked happy. We were happy. That was one month before I flipped out on him. I couldn't be content.

 

These are sad days lately and I'm so lonely without him.

[chloe56]

Hey, please put away those photos/ letters/ cards or whatever. Please. If you can't do it, get some else to put away those mementos. It just rips open the wounds even more. If you try not contacting him, looking at photos, facebook etc you will start healing a bit faster.I don't mean throw the mementos away, just put it all out of sight.

 

It is really painful, I can feel your pain.

A relationship takes two to work, for him to have broken up with you unless you were the worlds worst bridezilla, even then he would have surely known that it will pass, means he has been thinking of it for a while.

 

Think back to why you flipped out with him? Was it such a very big deal that you could not solve it when every one has calmed down? Why did you get so angry with him?

 

Give yourself a few days to scream, cry, yell, not take a shower, whatever, then consciously try to move forward. Just don't build your hopes up ok? The ball is firmly in his court now (like for my ex, ) the apologies will have to be for my entire family as well if we ever get to talking again.

[quapa]

please hang in there and push through this pain... don't break your progress. i know it's horrible and counter-intuitive not to talk to him.

[optimisticgirl]

 

Think back to why you flipped out with him? Was it such a very big deal that you could not solve it when every one has calmed down? Why did you get so angry with him?

 

 

I flipped out because i couldn't be content. It WASN'T a big deal. And it COULD have calmed down. But then i made a mountain out of a mole hill. I wouldn't go away...i kept screaming at him and not calming down. I screamed that I was keeping the house, I screamed that he was the one who was messing this up. Originally...he asked that I go spend ONE OR TWO nights at my parents house, and we could talk in a couple days.

 

I wouldnt. I was full of rage. I wouldn't leave him alone. I still can't...

 

He said that my terrorizing made him realize just how unstable and unhappy I must be - and that he has to break up with me - that I gave him no other choice. That he can't trust me again after all of this...

 

Im now realizing that this was all my fault...and that if the tables were turned...I'd probably do exactly the same thing he did...regardless of how much I loved him.

 

But now that I have calmed down...and taken a step back...realizing whats actually happening...its too late. The damage has been done.

 

Apparently...his mother told him I'm no good for him because I couldn't just walk away for one minute.

[wbr4p]

hey optimistic listen to me

youre probably not gonna listen to me anyway cause of the surge of emotions you have right now, but this is not the man u wanna live with, or let alone marry. what if he will yell at u like that when u have like 3 kids with him, ur gonna have to be stuck with feeling like a victim all the time, whats worse is u cant leave him ..u can probably leave him but with 3 kids it just isnt practical.

 

just think about it. what if u were 8 mos pregnant right now, and he goes berserk because u have mood swings..

 

lets just cut to the chase, he lost the loving feeling, and u keep forgiving him for it. ur not a doormat, ur not garbage. you're a girl. this hurts but you will find someone better trust me.

 

seriously, he lacks compassion. i have left and lost a lot of things, a brand new cellphone (i left in a cab), i made money mistakes, i shopped too much, i didnt budget right..hes gotta forgive u for petty things and reserve the wrath for bigger ones (if ever).

Edited February 9, 2011 by wbr4p

[chloe56]

hey optimistic listen to me

youre probably not gonna listen to me anyway cause of the surge of emotions you have right now, but this is not the man u wanna live with, or let alone marry. what if he will yell at u like that when u have like 3 kids with him, ur gonna have to be stuck with feeling like a victim all the time, whats worse is u cant leave him ..u can probably leave him but with 3 kids it just isnt practical.

 

just think about it. what if u were 8 mos pregnant right now, and he goes berserk because u have mood swings..

 

lets just cut to the chase, he lost the loving feeling, and u keep forgiving him for it. ur not a doormat, ur not garbage. you're a girl. this hurts but you will find someone better trust me.

 

seriously, he lacks compassion. i have left and lost a lot of things, a brand new cellphone (i left in a cab), i made money mistakes, i shopped too much, i didnt budget right..hes gotta forgive u for petty things and reserve the wrath for bigger ones (if ever).

 

That is actually true. You were upset, you were feeling really angry. You were angry enough to keep going on about it. Your feelings are valid also.

 

Your feelings and anger should have been heard and listened to. Frankly, if he couldn't do that, he is not worth your tears. Stop with thinking its all your fault.

What had I meant to ask is , do you not think he could have calmed down to work it through with you? He chose to say break up the relationship just because you read and deleted a message??? A message only from his mates?

What I get from that is you wanted his attention, time to yourself. The should have made him step back and focus on you instead of this guilt trip he is sending you. Its his loss.

[optimisticgirl]

He really didn't break it. I did. I mean sure...there are times when he's a real prick.

 

I could have NOT flipped out. And talked to him rationally myself. NOT made it into such a huge deal. I feel like I LACK compassion.

 

I was selfish! I wanted him all to myself. Sure im compassionate now. But i didn't have compassion that said...okay...you haven't gone out with your friends in awhile. Ill talk to you later.

[optimisticgirl]

Right now, I know he feels sad.

 

But really - i dont even want him to think that its his fault! because it wasn't - i was the one who blew up!

 

All he did was react - strongly, yes...but it was just a reaction.

 

He sent all kinds of mixed signals afterward - but i think those were just perpetuated by me.

 

I still haven't contacted him. but i want to now. and say "im sorry too - i know it was my fault. now, if you can forgive me and trust that i won't act like that again, then we'll be able to move forward."

 

And by act like "that" - i mean 'FLIPPING out, breaking the phone, being unappreciative of him, not caring that he wanted to go out with his friends, forcing him to go to every family function even if he didn't feel well."

 

Should i even say that to him, or should i just let him feel bad?

[chloe56]

Ok, so many times did you go talk to him after the big argument? Who exactly went to offer a gift and an olive branch?

 

Just playing devil's advocate here, if you were so lacking in empathy, stable emotions in all the 3 years you were together, in fact you forced him to go to family events (really unforgivable that)..... erm, what does that say about him then?

 

I am not out of the woods either to be giving any advice, but (I will after all) in a healthy relationship both partners are respected, opinions valued. Basically you don't want a door mat.

 

Bet he wasn't a doormat either, you are just forgetting the negative bits here. About contacting him , I would say don't. You have said enough, let him have space. If he wants you, he will let you know. Keep yourself busy. Be it flat hunting, re-decorating, cleaning, learning new recipes and actually cooking from scratch.

[gator12]

Right now, I know he feels sad.

 

But really - i dont even want him to think that its his fault! because it wasn't - i was the one who blew up!

 

All he did was react - strongly, yes...but it was just a reaction.

 

He sent all kinds of mixed signals afterward - but i think those were just perpetuated by me.

 

I still haven't contacted him. but i want to now. and say "im sorry too - i know it was my fault. now, if you can forgive me and trust that i won't act like that again, then we'll be able to move forward."

 

And by act like "that" - i mean 'FLIPPING out, breaking the phone, being unappreciative of him, not caring that he wanted to go out with his friends, forcing him to go to every family function even if he didn't feel well."

 

Should i even say that to him, or should i just let him feel bad?

 

 

Optimistic =/. You should be proud of yourself for not replying. Look, the guy is worth more than two words. When he starts calling, and he will since he already messaged you and you ignored him (high five) you CANNOT answer. You can't answer until he is literally saying he wants to get back together with you. Until then nothing.

 

A text right now lets him know you're still there waiting on the backburner, and even though you kind of are, him knowing this is not a good move right here. You need to stay strong and stay in NC. People do like you, you are a wonderful lady from everything I've read about you and you need to realize that. You need to stop clinging to the hope he will come back. He may or may not come back, and it's okay to have that hope, but do not cling to it.

 

I promise you he will contact again, I know it. He already did once, the fact that you havent replied is driving him crazy. Let it. Let him think twice about leaving you, let him miss you. That is the best gift you can give him right now. The time for apologies will come when he comes back, or you move on. Until then you owe him nothing and you need to live for yourself. It only gets better, so smile, you've got so much to live for.

 

Ooo and if he ever leaves that message that you can actually respond too two things

1. Wait a day or two, keep the mystery alive.

2. Don't overdo it with apologies, you are NOT the reason for everything bad in the relationship. A relationship is a two day street, both of you are at fault. So NEVER take blame for everything. It isn't fair to you.

 

I promise you it will get better, we all have your back here.

 

So smile,

-Gator

[optimisticgirl]

Ok, so many times did you go talk to him after the big argument? Who exactly went to offer a gift and an olive branch?

 

Just playing devil's advocate here, if you were so lacking in empathy, stable emotions in all the 3 years you were together, in fact you forced him to go to family events (really unforgivable that)..... erm, what does that say about him then?

 

I am not out of the woods either to be giving any advice, but (I will after all) in a healthy relationship both partners are respected, opinions valued. Basically you don't want a door mat.

 

Bet he wasn't a doormat either, you are just forgetting the negative bits here. About contacting him , I would say don't. You have said enough, let him have space. If he wants you, he will let you know. Keep yourself busy. Be it flat hunting, re-decorating, cleaning, learning new recipes and actually cooking from scratch.

 

okay. you are right chloe. i've done enough. ive done MORE than enough. way more. WAY more. and as much as i am willing to compromise on things with him...i don't want to be a doormat. I've seen women that are doormats. i just won't ever be one of them. It's not in my DNA.

 

The forcing him to go to family events stuff - my brother and him do not get along. Mainly...because they are the same exact person. Loud,opinionated, excitable. However, they have a difference of opinion on everrrrrrrything from ice-cream to politics to the way board games are played. So Ex would sometimes put up a fight to go to family events (i will give him a break here...my family consists of 5 children, all around the same age. we have 16 cousins also around the same age, and we get together a lot.) anyhow. he comes from a small family, other than his parents, no one lives in the same town. We go from my house with 43565 people to his house with just his parents on holidays. He gets overwhelmed. Anyone would. This year his family came over to my families house on thanksgiving.......everything was meshing, extremely well. UGH - WTF!!

 

Anyways.

Gator - you are spot on with this stuff about NC! It hasn't been long at all and he's been texting.

 

Today he called. left a voice mail...."need to know who the dogs vet is - i need to get his nails clipped. and they won't do it at the groomer til they know xy&z - can you PLEASE call me BACK"

 

really dude. the dogs nails clipped? You're going to call me, about the dogs nails?

 

i messaged him back...45 minutes later. all i said was the name and place of the vet. (told myself not to do it...told myself it was "for the dog"...but lets get serious...i caved.)

 

Big surprise - nothing substantial back form him after that other than "already taken care of, thanks a lot for helping me out earlier, you could have just responded." ---what a freakin jerk! i didn't respond to that text.

 

he needed to know info about the dog. gave it to him. whatever...all the dog's info at the vet and the groomer is in my name...I'm the one who took him to the vet (big surprise.) so I'm guessing they wouldn't release anything to him.

 

I have no trouble keeping myself busy! work all day, class all night! Its after class, and before work that I get all upset. Even after class, after all my progress, i almost went over there! Weekends are hard...but I'm going to try to make some solid plans for the weekend.

 

Sigh...bed alone. It's weird. Very weird.