Back and Forth...Still in Love

[optimisticheart]

I was with my fiance for 3 years.

 

We got in a very heated argument. My fault. I broke his trust and this is how.

 

He had been ignoring me for a few weeks. the night of the argument (before anything had started) I had been trying to talk to him and really wanted some attention. (I thought...this was the man who asked me to be his wife afterall...he is supposed to be my support system.)

 

He had plans with his friends, and i saw a text on his phone and deleted it. when he questioned me on it, i lied straight to his face. and then took the phone and threw it across the room. breaking it. I was angry. The anger came from lack of attention, stress, uncertainty about what his intentions actually were...he had been saying we should push the wedding back.

 

He flipped out...obviously...and a few days later...he kicked me out of house, he said he would never, ever forgive me for breaking his trust...and that I had everything but he could no longer trust me. That I broke his trust and it could never be the same.

 

After all of this...he called, asked me to come over, we made up - spent 5 days together - he said that he couldn't think of not being with me but just didnt know how to process the feelings of what the argument was about. He wanted to go slow - and try to build trust again. That i was her person, and i know his heart and soul. That I am his best friend.

 

A few days later, he changed is mind. Said that he had and still has VOLUMES of love for me, but i can no longer have it...no matter how sorry i am, or what mistake i regret or how much he loves me and wants to marry me...he can't let himself. he can't let himself trust me again, because it would mean he is a weak man and only leave him open to the opportunity of me hurting him again.

 

Over and over again he tells me he loves me, and i am the most beautiful woman and treated him so well and he will miss me so much...

 

Over and over again, I keep trying and not quitting because I recognize that I was the person in the wrong. That I didn't appreciate him. That I messed up. Trying to tell him that if we both love each other than it would be a disservice to each other by trying to stay away from each other.

 

He starts to cry when I tell him why i love him and that I am sorry. And then a minute later he says that when I tell him these things...and keep trying, it makes me look pathetic. That if i would just go away and stop trying then he could realize that he does love me, and he isn't weak for trusting me. Then a minute after THAT...he pulls me close to him and tells me he loves me and he is scared that I actually WILL quit. That he wants me to quit just as much as he doesn't want me to quit.

 

What I know - is that I do not want to quit. I want to share my love. I want to get through this and come out on the other side. What do I do?

 

Any advice or has this type of confusion happened to anyone? I know I made the mistake, should I not be the one to rectify it? But at the same time, I can't rectify his trust...only he can.

 

I can't see how ignoring him will do anything, I dont want him to think that I have quit.

 

We were supposed to be married in september. i don't want to love anyone else, he is my person. i want to be his wife.

 

Please...I know this is complicated...but anything will help.

[spackle]

perhaps offer an olive branch and say when he's ready to talk - be there.

[Albertan]

Wait....you guys ended a three year relationship and cancelled the wedding because you had an argument and broke his phone? Really?

 

I'm not even sure what to say here.....if someone is so willing to walk away after a little "drama" what chance do you think a marriage is going to have. A lifelong commitment which I promise you will include the odd moment of drama! So you lied.........not cool.....but then ending it all over essentially sweet FA - that just stinks.

 

I know you love this guy and it probably hurts more than hell but this is probably a lucky escape.

[optimisticheart]

Spakle - i gave an olive branch today. i am very involved in art...and i had made him a piece that was supposed to be a valentines day gift. after work i stopped over to the house, he came to the door and said he couldn't talk with me he was busy with work...but then saw the piece in my hand and opened the door...i kindly gave it to him with a sweet smile, told him to call me when he could figure things out. i decided that after that olive branch i would do my best with no contact. .....its been about three hours...we'll see what happens.

 

Albertan. thats what I keep telling myself, that if he is going to flip out over this then what about marriage and children and family. not saying i should have done that, but its a phone...

 

its just hard though...i put a lot of stock into everything and he ended it so quickly...youre right, its does hurt like hell.This back and forth has been going on for a month. But at the end of the day,I just wanna go home...

 

both of our families, all of our friends are shocked. i can't even go out of the house without hearing...oh im so sorry...from those who know, or "hows wedding plans?" from the people who haven't heard. I just smile and change the subject without giving a direct answer....but im afraid it makes me look pathetic.

 

mostly i dont give a direct answer because i don't know exactly whats going to happen. i mean...at this point i have given him all the power to choose me again...and it scares me that he wont.

 

what i really want is to get some power back and make him chase me, miss me, know that he CAN trust me and i AM the right person! How do I do that? And should I do that? I just can't view this as lucky escape right now

[gator12]

The phone could have just been an "excuse", he could have been mulling the idea over of breaking up with you for some time. The fact is you need to go into NC that is the only way you can move on and possibly get him back. Any action you do right now only pushes him further away or makes him more confident he made the right decision. Guys don't like being begged and pleaded, it makes us feel wanted sure, but we would never date someone who did that.

 

You need to go into NC with the goal of healing, stay strong do not answer ANYTHING and I mean ANYTHING he sends you, unless it says I want to get back together with you. He will throw you some crumbs before then but you have to stay strog and ignore them. The guy cannot miss you or think about his decision if you are still there. So get out of his life completely, dont even tell him just stop contacting him. Go into NC, think about the relationship, think about if you really ewant to marry him etc. And I mean objectively because right now you are only thinking with your emotions. Go into NC for the sake of the relationship. if it is meant to be he will come back running, I promise you that, nothing can stop a guy from going after what he really wants, we don't give up like that

 

Trust in your love, if it's meant to be it will work out, I promise you that

stay strong,

 

-Gator

[optimisticheart]

Thanks gator. maybe it was just an excuse...

 

Things seemed fine though....and from what he says now and before - he loved me "volumes". and he really did...the man cooked me a pancake breakfast in bed on the regular. told me he loved me all the time....i feel like an idiot, and an unappreciative brat for acting the way i did. even IF he was ignoring me.

 

everytime i try to explain this to him though. or give him a genuine apology..it either comes out wrong, or he twists it and says that i am just saying that to "get my way" and my words have "always been very convincing, but he isnt falling for it this time". and he isn't giving me "my way" anymore. it makes me feel two inches tall. we completely lost the ability to "get" each other in the past few weeks. things literally spiraled out of control. (this is why..im assuming..you suggest NC.)

 

what i can't grapple with is this: if he loved/s me that much? then why end it over a phone? why call off everything? he said i gave him no other choice...yet he says he still loves me...

 

but you are right i'll just trust in the love. if he comes back. he comes back. if not. he doesn't. hopefully ill be strong enough to recognize what a crumb is and what isnt. and hopefully, ill be able to stop spiraling out of control. and strong enough to stick to NC. phew..that's a lot to be strong for.

 

short term though: im living with my parents! UGH! i want to get my own place...have the money...but i dont really want to sign onto anything without a finalized view of whats actually happening!

[tobydog1]

The others are right, a row over a phone seems so petty to break up over.....Are you sure that is all there is to it, you said he had been ignoring you for a few weeks?

Take care Dx

[optimisticheart]

I know it seems petty. I guess it just snowballed from the phone now that I think about it.

 

He has trust issues...he was married before at 18, to a girl he knew for 5 days before departing out to sea with the navy. eventually he found out she had been cheating on him, not only that but she had also made an adult movie. gross!!! somehow...she talked him into the idea that they should stay together anyway...she was going to stay with him and be with this other man as well. He did that for 8 months! Until he finally divorced her.

 

He's admitted before that he takes out the trust issues on me and that i dont deserve it...

 

I know it sounds crazy...

but i woke up, and the first thing i want to do is call him...or even go over and wake him up with coffee or a pancake breakfast like we used to do for each other. my heart hurts so much.

[sammyd]

((hugs)), i think you're doing so well. Try to keep strong. It will be for the best. Try to take each hour as it comes. If he has feelings he will be in contact. It sounds like he does, but maybe just a bit confused.

Doesn't make it any easier for you though. Try to keep NC up.

Take care.

[optimisticheart]

Im trying...its been a whopping 19 hours since I've not called him. Big whoop. I almost did this morning. literally, phone in hand...then my mom called me downstairs, we ended up talking and she if he isn't reliable then its not worth it. that i can't be a yo-yo. And if he says he loves me, then he'd be at the door.

 

She also told me to pull myself together...I look like a big pile of crap...REALLY need a shower. Normally I am Ms. Put Together.

 

She said he MAY actually do that and knowing him he probably will, but if he does...then tell him he has to try again in a few days and don't react to his first big attempt.

 

I have a feeling he will...but he's got a pretty strong will once he has decided on something...pretty stubborn man. cuts of his nose to spite his face. So he doesn't have to face things and deal with them. (i know, why would i want to marry this guy? I just do! I love him despite all of these things.)

 

This forum really helps. I just want say to him GET A HOLD OF YOURSELF - LOOK AT WHAT YOU ARE DOING! STOP IT!

 

However, his will breaks if he realizes what he is actually doing. Thats why i want to go over and see him...so he can see right in front of him what he is giving up. (after i shower of course) Otherwise I am afraid he'll convince himself that its too hard to turn around.

 

Even if i do decide to try to show him the light - it won't be for a week, or two, or a month. I want to do it, TODAY but i wont.

 

Or just tell me im an idiot and to stay NC. and trying to "show him the light" never works. But he was supposed to be my HUSBAND!! Sometimes people need a little push...

[sammyd]

Hey, well done you! So far so good! It's so hard, i know, and yep, they all seem stubborn when they do this .

So, go get a shower, (even if just to waste another half an hour LOL).

Chat to your folks, watch a film, bake a cake!! haha!! Anything, just to make it through today:)

[optimisticgirl]

I just don't see how NC will work when the last time i saw him and talked to him i acted so pathetic and desperate.

 

I mean REALLY desperate. Crying, phoning, going over to the house uninvited just to try to talk to him. Puppy dog eyes, "why are you doing this to me". He even said that my actions are justifying his decision. and that i am pathetic and shouldn't let this consume my life.

 

How will he be able to remember the good times and the strength we had as a unit when the last time I saw him it was completely and utterly opposite of that.

 

I want to show him the wonderful woman that he had and that I truly am but unfortunately I can't...

[optimisticheart]

ok. i showered. go me.

 

NC probably won't work to get him back. but it may work for healing.

 

A friend asked me to come out with her this afternoon, shes been a rock...dealt with a similar situation herself about a year ago.

 

She now lives on her own, has a wonderful man, totally transformed herself - lost weight..finished her degree..has an AMAZING job. She tells me that getting out and meeting new people is the best way to do it, whether i want him back or just want to heal, no matter how recently and how gray things are.

 

Her ex-fiance tried to come back a few months after he kicked her out, with a bigger ring!

 

Trying to heal...and still deciding if i should go meet up with her or not. (Its a group of 10 guys and me and her would be the only girls.)

 

Any thoughts?

[optimisticgirl]

someone...anyone..please help!

 

i broke no contact. i was doing so well! because im a pathetic loser. he's right.

 

i ended up going out with my friend whom i posted about last night.

 

got drunk and decided HEY!! I should stop over at my ex-fiances and see if we can just work it out NOW.

 

i got there he was outside shoveling the walk. looked at me and smiled...i greeted the puppy. ex asked if i had been drinking, told him that i had a few...which is true..i wasn't DRUNK, i just had about three beers.

 

after a minute he said "ok lets just go watch the game somewhere." (the superbowl) I agreed...he waivered after i agreed and i said OK ill just go then. Then he said NO NO lets go, cmon...whatever.

 

we got to the pub down the street to watch the game, and when he found out that i had left my debit card downtown at a different pub by accident. He flipped out and said we had to leave - we got in the car...i said why can't we just go get it. and he started screaming to take him home.

 

i took him home after i screamed back at him that i can't be perfect and i was sorry for leaving my card but i dont see why its such a big deal.

 

after i dropped him off i continued to text him alllllllll night - varying from 'whats your problem to baby why cant you love me to youre probably with another girl right now back to i love you."

 

woke up this morning. still upset. decided again like a crazy person that id be a good idea to go APOLOGIZE for getting so drunk and texting him all night. (IM AN IDIOT)

 

went over to apologize, he clearly did not want to hear it. but then as soon as i was going to leave he started telling me how upset he really is and he just doesn't understand why i am acting like this, and he isn't even sure if he really loves me. and that he now prefers to be alone.

 

i just dont understand. and i am pathetic, ive completely lost all my chances. why do i let this consume my life.

[gator12]

someone...anyone..please help!

 

i broke no contact. i was doing so well! because im a pathetic loser. he's right.

 

i ended up going out with my friend whom i posted about last night.

 

got drunk and decided HEY!! I should stop over at my ex-fiances and see if we can just work it out NOW.

 

i got there he was outside shoveling the walk. looked at me and smiled...i greeted the puppy. ex asked if i had been drinking, told him that i had a few...which is true..i wasn't DRUNK, i just had about three beers.

 

after a minute he said "ok lets just go watch the game somewhere." (the superbowl) I agreed...he waivered after i agreed and i said OK ill just go then. Then he said NO NO lets go, cmon...whatever.

 

we got to the pub down the street to watch the game, and when he found out that i had left my debit card downtown at a different pub by accident. He flipped out and said we had to leave - we got in the car...i said why can't we just go get it. and he started screaming to take him home.

 

i took him home after i screamed back at him that i can't be perfect and i was sorry for leaving my card but i dont see why its such a big deal.

 

after i dropped him off i continued to text him alllllllll night - varying from 'whats your problem to baby why cant you love me to youre probably with another girl right now back to i love you."

 

woke up this morning. still upset. decided again like a crazy person that id be a good idea to go APOLOGIZE for getting so drunk and texting him all night. (IM AN IDIOT)

 

went over to apologize, he clearly did not want to hear it. but then as soon as i was going to leave he started telling me how upset he really is and he just doesn't understand why i am acting like this, and he isn't even sure if he really loves me. and that he now prefers to be alone.

 

i just dont understand. and i am pathetic, ive completely lost all my chances. why do i let this consume my life.

 

You're having a moment of weakness, we all do. It's natural in the healing process the fact is, if you haven't seen it yet. Your contact is doing nothing but pushing him further and further away, every time you've talked to him it's gotten emotional and you've just further cemented in his head that you and him breaking up was a good idea.

 

YOU NEED TO GO INTO NC. I know how hard it is, I've been there. But I am a guy, and if he loves you I promise you nothing will stop him from coming back, when we want something we fight for it. If you have the urge of breaking no contact, call a friend, write in a journal, post on here. ANYTHING but calling him or talking to him in any way. Let the man who "loves" you know what it's really like to lose you for good. That is the only way you can ever move on and the only way he can ever start to miss you.

 

Stay strong

-Gator

[optimisticheart]

Gator I've already done everything wrong. I've justified him enough.

 

But my question is why does he say "okay lets go watch the game" - then waivers - then when i go to leave he says "no don't go"

 

WTF IS THAT?!

[optimisticheart]

Im afraid that i have already cemented it too far.

 

And i dont know why i can't just get a ****ing life! it's consuming my mind! i wanna leave work right now and go over there! i feel crazy!

[gator12]

Gator I've already done everything wrong. I've justified him enough.

 

But my question is why does he say "okay lets go watch the game" - then waivers - then when i go to leave he says "no don't go"

 

WTF IS THAT?!

 

I honestly don't have an answer for you when it comes to that. But the fact is it doesn't matter. He could stilll be conflicted, he could be trying to be nice it could be a hundred different reasons, in the end it does not matter. His actions have no meaning unless they involve "I want to get back together with you." Ooo and not in a cheap text message or email, but on the phone in a voicemail, or better in person.

 

 

 

Im afraid that i have already cemented it too far.

 

And i dont know why i can't just get a ****ing life! it's consuming my mind! i wanna leave work right now and go over there! i feel crazy!

 

Look if the love was ever really there, there is no such thing as too far. I promise you that. I basically degraded myself for two weeks with my ex before going into NC and she still came back. Now there is of course a limit, and if you don;t stop you may as well give up. But right now, the what if's don't matter. You need to go into NC for yourself, too heal, you really need to.

 

I know how hard it is for you to, I have been there. It is the hardest thing in the world what you're going through right now. But look at it this way, you want to go over there. But you DIDN'T. You resisted the urge, that is progress in and of itself. I understand your pain, but NC is the only chance for you to move on and to heal. We are all here for you on this site, but we can only give you advice. I will tell you 100 times NC is the way to go if it will help, I will literally do 100 consecutive posts saying just that. You need to do this for YOU. You are the most important thing right now and you need to start treating yourself like that, you seem like a wonderful girl and should treat yourself just like that. NO GUY is worth you losing your dignity. If he wants you he will come back, your few moments of weakness will not stop him, I PROMISE you that.

 

But like I said, YOU are all that matters right now. Do it for you, we're all here for you.

 

-Gator

Edited February 8, 2011 by gator12

[optimisticgirl]

Im trying, I really am.

 

I just keep thinking of all of our wonderful memories...and think "IS HE NUTS!" and i want to call him and say "remember this?"

 

He said to me a few days ago "I know that you love me, and its not that I don't love you, but its that I've imprisoned myself in negativity, I lived trapped in a world where my armor must be strong."

 

Thank you so much for everything thus far. I really...really..don't know where else to vent...and at the very least, its helping me - and sparing my mother from hearing about it!!!

 

I won't lie...im not doing very well with No Contact...im trying hard! It's insane to me that it is so hard. I really have degraded myself...and I hope you are right gator...that if the love was there...there is no such thing as "too far"

 

 

I haven't gone over to the house but, I had to fight myself on the way home from work today (and am continuing to do so NOW!) to stop messaging, calling, ect. I'm looking at it as "tomorrow is another day" and trying to just let the rest of the night go by. I know he'll get curious as to why i stopped calling...i just don't know if he'll react. Whatever, if he doesn't - hes a freak. (as per the negativity quote above)

 

Maybe he is just a freak and I can't let go of stupid memories!

 

Normally I am very serious student. Have a paper due tomorrow...only on page three. Trying to focus on that.

 

Again, thank you everyone who has helped so far.

[optimisticgirl]

Oh - and I've decided to leave my phone at home tomorrow! I never even used to take it with me anywhere! I never even cared about it! I don't need it really. I just constantly check it all day like a weirdo and the screen is constantly blank.

 

Maybe a tip - for other people trying to stick to NC but having a hard time.

[gator12]

It's true, if love is there then nothing will stop him, if not then he's not worth it simple as that. Until you get there though it will be the hardest time in your life. Day by day is the only way to handle it at first. But when you reach that first month it is like the biggest weight has been taken off of your shoulders. For now go out and live your life. But I'm going to give you some caution on contact.

 

He will throw crumbs along the way to coming back if he comes back.

A crumb would be a text like "Hey", "What's up." Etc. Then afer ignoring those, he will call. He will ask "Why you're ignoring him" etc, and If you ignore enough of those he will leave voicemails. And eventually he will leave on that says he misses you and wants to get back together or he will be at your door. Until that happens YOU CANNOT REPLY. Any text other than that will literally push him farther away. It's like fishing, and he's seeing if you will bite to know you're still there waiting for him. He needs to be afraid of losing you for him to want to come back, so replying to any of those will only hurt you. I know it's hard but stay strong, the only place to go from here is up.

 

-Gator

[optimisticgirl]

You should be an inspirational speaker on this!

 

I literally sat straight up in my chair reading what you wrote.

 

It's a refreshing slap in the face.

 

Friends and family have been saying: just be nice, if you are nice he'll realize how good he had it. Be yourself - youre a nice girl, why stop being nice!

 

Nice doesn't work.

 

His mother called me about two hours ago...didn't answer. Then she sent a text asking if I'd get coffee with her. Didn't answer.

 

I don't think (well, I know) that its not him telling her to do this...her and I were really close, i think she may just be upset about things. but i feel like meeting up with her would only further him thinking that I am trying to "hang on" to him. Which is not the message I want to send at the moment.

[gator12]

You should be an inspirational speaker on this!

 

I literally sat straight up in my chair reading what you wrote.

 

It's a refreshing slap in the face.

 

Friends and family have been saying: just be nice, if you are nice he'll realize how good he had it. Be yourself - youre a nice girl, why stop being nice!

 

Nice doesn't work.

 

His mother called me about two hours ago...didn't answer. Then she sent a text asking if I'd get coffee with her. Didn't answer.

 

I don't think (well, I know) that its not him telling her to do this...her and I were really close, i think she may just be upset about things. but i feel like meeting up with her would only further him thinking that I am trying to "hang on" to him. Which is not the message I want to send at the moment.

 

Well thank you for the compliments, I only wish I could have this level of clarity in my own relationship, lol. But it's great being able to help others.

 

Here's how I view it, nice when broken up = DOORMAT and let's get real nobody wants to be a doormat, I mean that's the whole point of no contact. He will realize what he had by it not being there and nothing else. There's the old saying absence makes the heart grow fonder, well I like to think of one I read in someone's signature on this site.

 

"Absence does to love what wind does to a fire, it extinguishes the small and enflames the great."

 

That quote to me is so true, being nice right now, you are past that, you can be nice to him in another relationship but not after he's thrown yours away.

 

I'm proud of you for ignoring the call and texts, I've been reading your posts every day and whether you see it or not, you're making progress. Every day I read your posts you seem to improve which is always a good thing.

 

As for your view on meeting his mother, it is definitely justified, to him it would most likely send the wrong message, we read way to far into little things like that. Right now as far as he's concerned you are a ghost to him. If your relationship was as good as you say it was he will be back. But at that point who knows if you will even want him back, right now just handle it day by day, we don't know what the future has in store for us but in the end it all works out for the best.

 

-Gator

[optimisticgirl]

Also. I am ****ing nice! I'm a catch.

 

I'm 25, make $60K a year, have a full ride to graduate school, come from a great family, have pretty insane ab's and I can cook. And i mean, cook up a storm! Also - i did ALL housework & ALL bill paying at his request.

 

He say's I'm controlling. I have to be. You asked me to be ****ing superwoman! And of course I flipped out on you when you wouldn't talk to me: all those responsibilities STRESSED ME OUT.

 

WTF am I even doing? Oh. Right. I love him. Darnit.

 

Sorry. I need to post that. And maybe I am controlling.

[gator12]

Also. I am ****ing nice! I'm a catch.

 

I'm 25, make $60K a year, have a full ride to graduate school, come from a great family, have pretty insane ab's and I can cook. And i mean, cook up a storm! Also - i did ALL housework & ALL bill paying at his request.

 

He say's I'm controlling. I have to be. You asked me to be ****ing superwoman! And of course I flipped out on you when you wouldn't talk to me: all those responsibilities STRESSED ME OUT.

 

WTF am I even doing? Oh. Right. I love him. Darnit.

 

Sorry. I need to post that. And maybe I am controlling.

 

That attitude right there is exactly the perfect mindset, and from what I read you are definitly a catch, there are plenty of guys out there that would kill for a girl like you. Love will do that to you though, it makes us do such stupid things I mean really.

 

And all women are controlling in some ways, and it's perfectly okay. There is nothing wrong with it. But to an excess is where you hit a problem. The thing about a relationship is communication is really number one, if you guys don't have good communication it will never work out.

 

Men= Terrible with emotion, great communicators, and it's the exact opposite for women. THats why people have all of those stupid fights in perfectly good relationships. *Sigh* I only wish more people knew how important it really is in a relationship. Us guys jsut don't know sometimes when we hurt a girl, and then the girl expects us to know because they're in touch with their emotions, and we sit there expecting them to tell us if they're hurt. It's a cycle that just ruins so many good relationship.

 

Idk I'm just ranting right now lol.