Author worldgonewrong Posted September 11, 2012 Author Share Posted September 11, 2012 coopster/jaymz- good morning, fellas. actually, for the most part, I'm a pretty optimistic, upbeat guy. Where I am today, as opposed to a year ago, is a GOOD place in my mind & heart. I've met a really nice woman, and we're taking things slow; she's the complete package (looks, smarts), but I'm enjoying the slow courtship, so to speak. It's just that tiny percent where one is driven almost insane by the idea of how much one person (stbx) seems to derive pleasure from inflicting constant pain on you. That said, now? She doesn't get to me as much. I might verbalize it here, but I have a confidence in myself that I hadn't had in YEARS. So if there's one bright spot to this misery, it's that it has oddly enough made me stronger and made me believe in MYSELF more. Link to post Share on other sites
Surfer203 Posted September 11, 2012 Share Posted September 11, 2012 wgw: The divorce being final does resolve a bit of the bad feelings but I've found that it is only temporary. Reality sets in again and you have to keep going. The divorce is a huge step but there is a lot more work to be done, mentally, financially, whatever. Lots of things I still have to resolve, bills, debts, finances, logistical issues, still have some of her stuff in the house, lonely, bored, angry, etc. Still lots of feelings brewing. I am now about 2 years after things began to crumble. It is getting better and better but it's slow going. Just don't lose the faith and keep focusing on yourself and kids, the only things that truly matter. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author worldgonewrong Posted September 11, 2012 Author Share Posted September 11, 2012 Yup, you're right - one has to accept that it's slow going. Like everything in life, things don't usually happen instantly -- unless you're dealing with a wacko ex who dumps you, then that's the exception to the rule. One other corner I've turned: I used to read the "Second Chances" forum intently, like I was trying to divine some sort of magical secret about how reconciliations happen. And the funny thing is, I'm no longer interested. I'm not hoping for a second chance from her; she should be reading that forum, some day. Either way, I don't care. I'm nobody's 'second best', I've got nothing to prove, and the sky's the limit for the rest of my life. Onward and upward -- for ALL of us who've been hurt!! Link to post Share on other sites
Author worldgonewrong Posted September 13, 2012 Author Share Posted September 13, 2012 I came to the conclusion this week that I never even want to HEAR the sound of her voice again. Post-divorce, I'll just tell her straight up - communicate only in writing or text. Your voice makes me ill. (Though I won't say that precisely.) 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Surfer203 Posted September 13, 2012 Share Posted September 13, 2012 I don't want to hear mine either but I still have to have her come to my house and get her crap out of it. Link to post Share on other sites
Author worldgonewrong Posted September 27, 2012 Author Share Posted September 27, 2012 Update: Went to Settlement conference yesterday. Her lawyer was massively un-prepared and only could lamely filibuster. (It was just the 2 lawyers and judges meeting.) The judge was ticked that her paperwork was massively incomplete/empty, so he ordered a Settlement conference in 2 months. When the judge met with us & lawyers at end, the judge looked directly at me and apologized for the hold-up. And then to her, he gently admonished that she NEEDED to get that overdue financial paperwork submitted AND to provide PROOF of job applications. She looked like a scared kid. Meanwhile the judge & I joked for a minute, as the appointment was logged in. Weird stressful day that is now behind me, for now. Link to post Share on other sites
Author worldgonewrong Posted October 3, 2012 Author Share Posted October 3, 2012 Re my last post - I've been thinking about that fizzled-out Settlement conference. Why the hell would she NOT have her sh*t together for this, when SHE was the one who wanted the divorce?? It really bugs me. It means we won't be divorced by Christmas or even New Year's. I mean, what the hell? I have to carry this garbage, this situation, with me into 2013 now. Why would she drag her heels NOW?! Link to post Share on other sites
standtall Posted October 4, 2012 Share Posted October 4, 2012 When the judge met with us & lawyers at end, the judge looked directly at me and apologized for the hold-up. And then to her, he gently admonished that she NEEDED to get that overdue financial paperwork submitted AND to provide PROOF of job applications. She looked like a scared kid. Meanwhile the judge & I joked for a minute, as the appointment was logged in. WGW, good job with this. Your friendly banter and relationship with the judge can do things that even your lawyer can't match. As far as her foot dragging reason...with your ex, who the f*** knows. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
jaymz Posted October 4, 2012 Share Posted October 4, 2012 They do because they can. Be glad you don't understand, it means you are not f*ck up, IMHO. Here's to a new start, 2014. :-) 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author worldgonewrong Posted October 8, 2012 Author Share Posted October 8, 2012 UPDATE - and this is for newer posters reading too - It's true what 'recovering' betrayed spouses say: eventually you do reach a point of indifference about the person who burned you. I'm there. When I was talking with my kids last night on the phone, I could hear her in the background. I just...knew that I didn't want to go back to that manic voice again. I was thoroughly repelled and wondered (fleetingly) what it was I ever saw in her -- not in a grouchy, critical way, but just objectively. Add to that - I have a developing NEW relationship. Taking it nice & slow. There's a sense of mature romance/courtship happening which breathes...unlike the intensity of young love which can burn like a roman candle & then fizz out. Life is good. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Author worldgonewrong Posted October 8, 2012 Author Share Posted October 8, 2012 p.s. you know what turns a person around after being burnt so badly? You redevelop your own ego & sense of self-reliance. Period. When you're in the midst of heartache and grieving, you can't see that. But eventually a new and maybe even BETTER version of yourself DOES emerge from the ashes. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Author worldgonewrong Posted October 9, 2012 Author Share Posted October 9, 2012 Further random pontification - Don't hold out hope for people undeserving of your hope. Your hope, your heart, is a valuable thing. To give it away cheaply to someone who doesn't recognize that is a waste. Invest soulfully/heart-wise in those who recognize the value of your goodness. Anything else is settling. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
karnak Posted October 9, 2012 Share Posted October 9, 2012 Further random pontification - Don't hold out hope for people undeserving of your hope. Your hope, your heart, is a valuable thing. To give it away cheaply to someone who doesn't recognize that is a waste. Invest soulfully/heart-wise in those who recognize the value of your goodness. Anything else is settling. AMEN to that Link to post Share on other sites
Author worldgonewrong Posted October 15, 2012 Author Share Posted October 15, 2012 My ex is handling her affair situation with such utter desperation that it's laughable. At this point, I don't even CARE about her and her dalliance, but I do care in how she tries to compromise the kids. She told me she was taking the kids away for this upcoming weekend. I accepted it; I made other plans accordingly. Then she emails me this morning, saying that she could drop the kids off on Sunday after they get back around 4 or 5. I wrote back that it was a preposterous idea since the poor kids will have been in a car for 4-6 hours, and like any normal kid, they need down time. The worst thing you can do is whisk them off after a trying drive. And I would say that still even if our family was intact. So she responds, how about I have them sleep over with you on friday night and pick them up at 9 in the morning on saturday? She would be willing to curtail her vacation (to see m-in-law) just to have the overnight spot. SO TRANSPARENT. I wrote back, No. I already made plans when you dictated the plans the FIRST time. To set up plan A, have me agree to it, and then say, "No wait, here's the REAL plan" is crazy-making. I told her this, via email (that's the only way we communicate these days, or via text). A desperate woman in an affair. I mean, go ahead with the dalliance, by all means. The marriage is deader than dead, I get it. But don't act like some crazed junkie always switching up the rules on me when it suits you. Gaaah. Link to post Share on other sites
Author worldgonewrong Posted October 15, 2012 Author Share Posted October 15, 2012 p.s. I wrote her back, cc'ing my lawyer (telling her he was cc'd), telling her to stop crazy-making and to leave me alone. Link to post Share on other sites
Author worldgonewrong Posted October 15, 2012 Author Share Posted October 15, 2012 OH, I left out the kicker: she was going to cancel the entire vacation w/the kids. Forgot to add that part. The poor kids have been looking forward to it, and she was going to pull the rug out from under them because of her dalliance. Link to post Share on other sites
Author worldgonewrong Posted October 15, 2012 Author Share Posted October 15, 2012 My prediction: she's on the verge of having her a$$ dumped by this guy. This might be a make-or-break weekend for her on that front, hence the desperation. Link to post Share on other sites
Author worldgonewrong Posted October 16, 2012 Author Share Posted October 16, 2012 I had a dream last night that the ex & I were in the kitchen at the house. She presented herself with this sort of hope, walking toward me - as if I would accept her again; I looked at her with contained disgust and moved into the darkness of the dining room, feeling secure in there, just shaking my head. I've discovered my dreams have always been a consistent barometer, for the most part, about the future. Months before the ***** hit the fan in our marriage, I had a series of dreams where we argued or a particularly painful one where we were divorced & she was introducing me to the new guy & his kids, with our kids in tow, at a diner. Those dreams were weirdly prophetic. It was a whole series of nightmares of marital discord & decay looong before it actually happened in waking life. And now back to last night's dream: it's a 'nightmare' of sorts, as I see it as a portent that she is going to soon try & reach out to me when OM dumps her, particularly since we're RIGHT in the thick of divorce and I want nothing to do with her ever again, except to be capable co-parents together. Link to post Share on other sites
Author worldgonewrong Posted October 16, 2012 Author Share Posted October 16, 2012 p.s. And Yasuandio, if you're reading this: I owe you a humble apology. Last year you were chewing on the bone of infidelity, and I stubbornly got my back up about it- not wanting to believe it. You were persistent in that notion, and it irritated me to no end. Now I can clearly see, you were very right, and I was so very wrong. Link to post Share on other sites
Author worldgonewrong Posted October 16, 2012 Author Share Posted October 16, 2012 What have YOU done up to now? Can you be more specific? That's a pretty open-ended question. I'll try to give you something though... 1. My health has improved; I worked at it. 2. My EGO is back, probably to how I felt at age 19 when the world felt wide-open. The world feels wide-open again. 3. I have had the clarity to find new work (1 FT, 2 PT total) and embrace that discipline 4. I have become more fiscally responsible, sorting out old messes and making things right (which as a married couple we let go to hell previously) 5. I have a budding romance happening 6. I have fostered the BEST relationship with my kids during these past 2 years Things only change if you work at them, I've learned. Obvious, but wow, what a great epiphany when you see it happening in action on various levels. So I've done a lot. There's more to do, but I embrace it all. Link to post Share on other sites
Author worldgonewrong Posted October 16, 2012 Author Share Posted October 16, 2012 ah never apologise to anyone.. Who`s to say what`s right or wrong???? No, apologies can be very necessary things. And this one is. One mustn't dole them out like candy, obviously, if you want them to count. Link to post Share on other sites
Yasuandio Posted October 16, 2012 Share Posted October 16, 2012 p.s. And Yasuandio, if you're reading this: I owe you a humble apology. Last year you were chewing on the bone of infidelity, and I stubbornly got my back up about it- not wanting to believe it. You were persistent in that notion, and it irritated me to no end. Now I can clearly see, you were very right, and I was so very wrong. Dude man, no one wants to believe it. [The blue eyeshadow was a dead giveaway.] Yas 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author worldgonewrong Posted October 22, 2012 Author Share Posted October 22, 2012 Just the briefest of updates: I am involved in a new relationship. I've already had my rebound prior to this, and saw that wasn't what I wanted (a series of rebounds, etc.). But it's true what they say - the minute you stop 'looking for love' and focus on improving yourself, sometimes a magical opportunity presents itself. The difference between new woman and stbx is night & day. This is a healthy relationship, with boundaries, with communication. We are taking things 'slow', respectfully so, even though we're over the moon w/each other. We build each other up without putting each other on a pedestal. My point is, I don't advise anyone to rush into OR strenuously look for a new relationship. When the time comes, it does. But if you're a BS, your newfound love will make you see how extraordinarily toxic your WS really was...and how you spent years sublimating your real self in service of always making this other person happy, while the other person never met your level of commitment. 7 Link to post Share on other sites
BrettLost Posted October 23, 2012 Share Posted October 23, 2012 Top stuff mate. Couldnt agree more. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author worldgonewrong Posted December 20, 2012 Author Share Posted December 20, 2012 As the holiday season approaches fast, I just want to send a message to the new-comers here: You WILL get through this horrible time. Whatever is happening is temporary. You might not be able to see it now, as everything's a mess, but there's a clearing. I'm grateful to the LoveShack site and the community for this venue. Newcomers, there's a lot of strength & wisdom to be gotten here. God bless. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
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