Author worldgonewrong Posted February 23, 2011 Author Share Posted February 23, 2011 Congrats! That is impressive progress! I wonder what's been holding you back on such accomplishments? thanks! the old devils "self-doubt" and "complacency" that can dog a marriage sometimes hold up positive change. (This is not a blaming statement against her; I hold myself accountable for being inert.) interesting sidebar: I noticed that my W recently took to wearing light-blue eye shadow. Really strange for her, as I always thought she looked naturally beautiful and told her so profusely. She honestly is a woman who doesn't require make-up like that. So I was really thrown when I saw her, because it's just 'not her'. Link to post Share on other sites
Yasuandio Posted February 23, 2011 Share Posted February 23, 2011 Maybe it's not eye shadow. Is it possible she's not feeling well? Stomach flu, virus, food poisening, disenteri? Have you inquired? Link to post Share on other sites
Author worldgonewrong Posted February 23, 2011 Author Share Posted February 23, 2011 Maybe it's not eye shadow. Is it possible she's not feeling well? Stomach flu, virus, food poisening, disenteri? Have you inquired? no no, it's most definitely eye shadow. Link to post Share on other sites
Yasuandio Posted February 23, 2011 Share Posted February 23, 2011 Oh. Well, I regret to inform you that light blue eye shadow is like so totally seventies. Say, Tokidoki came out with a new collection of smoky shadows today. I just gotta email update from Sephora about it. Do you have that store in the UK? Have you thought about picking her up a little gift? Link to post Share on other sites
Author worldgonewrong Posted February 23, 2011 Author Share Posted February 23, 2011 I'm in the U.S. Link to post Share on other sites
Yasuandio Posted February 23, 2011 Share Posted February 23, 2011 I'm in the U.S. So sorry to make that error WGW! I guess I've been learning about some UK issues, and started thinking everyone on LS had an accent! LS is addicting! This could very well be a sign that i need to stop posting. Anyway, perfect! You probably have a Sephora at your local mall! Good wishes to you WGW! Link to post Share on other sites
Author worldgonewrong Posted February 23, 2011 Author Share Posted February 23, 2011 No worries! Please DO keep posting. You're one of my go-to people here on LS. Link to post Share on other sites
Yasuandio Posted February 24, 2011 Share Posted February 24, 2011 (edited) I just found good, earthy, insightful, and free reading material. I googled "resentment solutions" and it was the top choice (soulwork.net ------ Solutions for Anger, Resentment, and Contempt). I read the home page, then clicked menu item "grief and loss." Very holistic perspective. This article gave another link to "relationship problems" - which addressed our need specifically. OMG, The chart entitled "Healthy Partnership vs Relationship Crisis" gave me a like mega HUGE wake-up call. I hate to think how many of the twenty-five years of marriage (if not all of them) fall mostly on one side of this particular chart. Now maybe I'm over-reacting, but I mean, IDK, this chart totally demolished a nerve. Seriously, my iPhone finger is like numb! I think all of us need to be aware of how the inner resentment manifests itself. For me, I have a number of anxiety related illnesses from swallowing my anger and handing out "cheap forgiveness" (another topic for you on another day). The site is not unlike Michelle Weiner-Davis', in that they are promoting a coaching paridigm, but who cares. We can apply DIY methodology. So, I'm editing this post after reading the site for two hours. It is deeply saturated with a rich, enlightening angle. Once you get done clicking Relationship Breakdown, Partnerships etc., every single underlined topic is worth exploring IMO. Let me know whatcha think. Edited February 24, 2011 by Yasuandio Link to post Share on other sites
Author worldgonewrong Posted February 25, 2011 Author Share Posted February 25, 2011 Update: One thing I've learned through this process so far (6 weeks today) is that my wife is a crazy-maker. Right now I'm trying to monetarily do everything by the book, make sure all needs are met for her & the kids. Simple. She inevitably rebuffs my help. Then I counter with a logical argument that she *cannot* afford to rebuff my help. Then she will turn it around like she will have to think about it. Then she acquiesces. It's all about control with her. So, be aware of crazy-makers out there, and keep walking a straight line & don't feed the craziness. Link to post Share on other sites
Author worldgonewrong Posted February 27, 2011 Author Share Posted February 27, 2011 additional realization: she is most likely clinically depressed & chronically unhappy, mistaking me as the root of all her unhappiness. add to the mix, she's probably got a mid-life crisis thing going on, too. ....sigh..... Link to post Share on other sites
Yasuandio Posted February 28, 2011 Share Posted February 28, 2011 (edited) additional realization: she is most likely clinically depressed & chronically unhappy, mistaking me as the root of all her unhappiness. add to the mix, she's probably got a mid-life crisis thing going on, too. ....sigh..... WGW. IMO she's playing some classic minds on you ("Ain't It Awful,""NIGYSOB or Got-Cha,""Stamp-Collecting", etc.). Most of the time she's coming at you as Persecutor. Once in a while victim, or both in the same game. You just need to recognize the game so you don't get engaged in one. Edited February 28, 2011 by Yasuandio Link to post Share on other sites
debtman Posted February 28, 2011 Share Posted February 28, 2011 Insanity is a crazy thing. There's just no rationalizing, understanding or explaining. I've learned to just keep my head down, focus on what I need to focus on and let the rest of it go. It will eventually work itself out... Good luck! Link to post Share on other sites
Author worldgonewrong Posted March 2, 2011 Author Share Posted March 2, 2011 180 is my new mantra. I've even written on my wrist, as silly as that sounds. interesting update: I just realized that she has her man-hater of a best friend-from-high-school on her side -- of course without hearing my side of the story. So naturally, Man-Hater has fortified her good and proper with how to hate my guts and doubt my every move. ah well, eff 'em. I ain't in high school anymore. Link to post Share on other sites
debtman Posted March 2, 2011 Share Posted March 2, 2011 Yeah, it's funny how the "support" systems work. Three years ago, when my W first brought up D, her whole family, both sisters and mother were telling her she had to stick it out for the kids, give me a chance to fix things, D wasn't an option, etc. and she completely tuned them out for 8 months until she finally decided that I was really making some major changes and was "worth" giving another shot. Since then, one of her sisters had her H cheat on her and they were on the D fence for a while and my W was telling her the same things she had said about D not being an option, sticking it out for the kids, working on things, etc. Then, after she met OM, she went back to her sister, who had changed her tune to "You have to do what you need to make yourself happy." and the rest of her family hasn't told her that she's making a mistake because they don't want to be ostracized again. I know they're not taking sides because she is family and they know she wouldn't listen to them anyway. Makes me crazy if I think about it too much, so I don't. Because I can't change it. I just keep telling myself "it's over, move on, life is good..." I got two amazing kids out of it, we had some good times together, and life is an adventure. Paying child support and not splitting bills anymore is just another challenge to face and is motivating me to pursue many different ways to keep the income up... I like the "180" on your wrist...good idea. Once I get back into the house (this weekend), I'm going to be putting up lots of goal charts, quotes and affirmations to remind me to keep making positive choices and self-improving decisions. Link to post Share on other sites
Yasuandio Posted March 2, 2011 Share Posted March 2, 2011 Yeah, guys, "Ain't It Awful?" Link to post Share on other sites
Author worldgonewrong Posted March 3, 2011 Author Share Posted March 3, 2011 More random notes on this journey: While I am EXTREMELY grateful for support of friends and family, I have to say, it's mildly disconcerting/annoying in some areas of how that support manifests itself. For example, my mom has started saying stuff like "The marriage is really over" -- well, it ain't her marriage, y'know? Or my sibling will say, "I never trusted your mother-in-law." Stuff like that, which drives me a little nuts. My response to all that is to become a bit muted. Frankly, I don't think they should be airing out their minds like that to me. I wouldn't do it to them if they were undergoing a separation. Link to post Share on other sites
debtman Posted March 3, 2011 Share Posted March 3, 2011 Yeah, one of my favorites is when someone tells me "Yeah, I never liked her and thought you two just weren't going to work out." Well, thanks for telling me! People will have their opinions and try to share their thoughts/feelings with you. I suppose you just have to take it with a grain of salt (like all the advice on here as well), since no one, not even your W REALLY knows what's going on in your head and knows your understanding of the situation from your perspective. Trust yourself, believe in your decisions and do what you think is the best thing for you and your kids. Link to post Share on other sites
Yasuandio Posted March 3, 2011 Share Posted March 3, 2011 It's normal. Their "perception" may be based either on: (a) they totally love you, and who ever dares hurt you is an enemy, (b) they may be responding to something you may have said or implied in anger (I mean, you can tell family anything, and the blood in gonna always be on your side), and/or © no one really knows what to say so they apply what they believe will be most helpful to you (Mom's remedy for a healthier happier you is to encouage movement towards acceptance; Sibling is pointing out bad character of Wife's family - e.g., the apple doesn't fall far from the tree). Whatever, they seem to be guessing. Your Mom probably has some fine wisdom to provide you. Have you considered opening up to her about this matter, and yours hopes for the future? Link to post Share on other sites
Author worldgonewrong Posted March 3, 2011 Author Share Posted March 3, 2011 Debtman & Yasuandio - sage observations as always, thank you. Yeah, my mom is a great confidante. The thing about this separation territory is that it's unknown terrain for family & friends too; they've never dealt with me in this scenario before, so they're learning how to walk or work it. I appreciate the struggle about that, sort of walking on eggshells at times & other times just being supportively blustery! The thing is, the 'over-the-top' commentary can sometimes be sort of damaging, in the sense that they're...well, they're sort of over-stepping boundaries. But that said, I still look at the big picture: they MEAN well. And I'm not obligated to own any of their thoughts/advice if I don't want to. Link to post Share on other sites
Author worldgonewrong Posted March 4, 2011 Author Share Posted March 4, 2011 Today marks 7 weeks of separation. I've turned a corner in my now-deeper appreciation of NC/180 (or LC, because we have kids). See, I spent the first month really sticking with it. Then as February wound down, I got embroiled by reacting emotionally in emails/texts to her, because she knew how to push my buttons. So as March has kicked in, I decided to return to the more sane method of NC/LC/180. I am 3 days into it and I have to say, it feels GREAT. She texted me once about something and I replied very succinctly & clinically (it was the answer she did not expect or want); it felt damn good. No need to piggyback a simple "No" with my emotional stuff, 'cause she feeds off that. So...a toast to DAY 3. I read 'The Divorce Busters' book which has this listed as a 'Last Resort'. Between that book and everything I've read here, it just makes sense. Less emotional wear-and-tear on the mental gears. And it presents the spouse with a FRESH, previously-unknown picture of me. It puts 'the ball' back in her court without me having to lift a finger whatsoever. Link to post Share on other sites
Yasuandio Posted March 6, 2011 Share Posted March 6, 2011 Bravo WGW! Not only does "she" feed on your crybaby responses, her EGO feeds on them, and then your self-esteme is trashed! Stay totally cool. Whatever you do, make sure you keep your nose clean. Link to post Share on other sites
What_Next Posted March 7, 2011 Share Posted March 7, 2011 Well done worldgonewrong, I know it must be so incredibly difficult to stay the course and follow through with this. Are you taking care of yourself with regular exercise and sleep? Link to post Share on other sites
Author worldgonewrong Posted March 7, 2011 Author Share Posted March 7, 2011 Thanks, Yasuandio & What_Next! W_N: Yep, my health (physical & mental) has actually improved during this separation, to be honest. I've vigorously maintained that I've gotta be healthy for myself so that I can be happy & healthy for my kids when I see them. Link to post Share on other sites
debtman Posted March 7, 2011 Share Posted March 7, 2011 wgw, keep it up. Remember, it's a roller coaster with the biggest ups and downs at the beginning. There may be an occasional loop thrown in, but, eventually, it will smooth out and someday, the ride will be over. Keep your head on straight, focus on yourself and your kids and don't put a second thought into figuring her out, it's not worth it. She'll keep trying to do things to "get you" and the more you let it roll off, the happier you will be, which is all that matters for you AND your kids. NICE!!! Link to post Share on other sites
marqueemoon4 Posted March 7, 2011 Share Posted March 7, 2011 glad to hear things are improving for you! Link to post Share on other sites
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