robf1971 Posted January 19, 2011 Share Posted January 19, 2011 Hey Guys, as she seems happy even though this could be a front! But she has split a young family apart and seems to be enjoying herself. ! Please stop trying to read this woman's mind. You have no damn idea how she is feeling. Link to post Share on other sites
robf1971 Posted January 19, 2011 Share Posted January 19, 2011 being single and 42 is scarey! Er, ohh no it isn't. I'm 39, so I know. Funny thing is I've never had so much female attention in my life. Women dig single dads, I've had women from early 20's to our age hit on me. Good men of our age are in mega short supply, trust me on that!! Anyway this isn't where you should be going right now but I'm just illustrating a point. If you do split up you will have a great life.. Link to post Share on other sites
Author russell1968 Posted January 19, 2011 Author Share Posted January 19, 2011 Ok rob, but this is tough, not the easiest thing to do! Link to post Share on other sites
robf1971 Posted January 19, 2011 Share Posted January 19, 2011 seems to be enjoying herself. Good for her!! now how about you do the same. Take this time alone to make a plan to sort finances out, go out socially, make new friends. Your wife will be attracted to a strong confident you. Make a list of all your problems and how you can start solving them, just make small starting goals. Think about her complaints, you seem to have a good idea of whats wrong with you The smallest consistent actions will be noticed by her. Seriously though, one of the most important things for you right now is to improve your financial situation. Link to post Share on other sites
Author russell1968 Posted January 19, 2011 Author Share Posted January 19, 2011 Money is not a problem anymore as I have a great job! Link to post Share on other sites
robf1971 Posted January 19, 2011 Share Posted January 19, 2011 Money is not a problem anymore as I have a great job! Lawyer up. get your kids 50/50. Be a great dad to them. Do you have a lawyer. I'm assuming your in the UK because of your post times?, if thats the case you will need to fight hard for kids because the mother tends to get priority here. Link to post Share on other sites
robf1971 Posted January 19, 2011 Share Posted January 19, 2011 Money is not a problem anymore as I have a great job! Ohh please don't tell me you are paying for your wife's accomodation. No Funding her crappy behaviour!!. If you are it's commonly known as cake eating. Link to post Share on other sites
Author russell1968 Posted January 19, 2011 Author Share Posted January 19, 2011 No way am I paying for her accommodation, is she using housing benefit and her inheritance, also I have agreed to pay her 15 k for her share in the equity in property, this was drawn up in a separation agreement by a solicitor I also have 50-50 custody of the girls, she just dropped called me , I’m tempted to call her back, but won’t. Yep I live on the South coast in the sunny UK Link to post Share on other sites
What_Next Posted January 19, 2011 Share Posted January 19, 2011 You're bloody right you'll get more attention from the opposite sex than you had dreamed... However, it's more from within than anything else. A positive attitude, smiling, happy man is an almost immeadiate draw for women. If you so choose there are women out there, lots of them. Finding sex is also easy. That's not what you want though. This isn't a game, it's not. Nevermind what she is thinking, stop trying to read her reactions, stop. It's a zero sum game. Contine the path you have started and await her REAL reaction. Link to post Share on other sites
Author russell1968 Posted January 19, 2011 Author Share Posted January 19, 2011 She’s been calling and texting all day, I finally got back to her and she asked if I could look after my daughter next week during the day while she had a exam, she also asked me if I was ignoring her I said no I’m just very busy and quickly at work I made my excuses and got off the phone double quick!! i cannot and won't be there for her when she wants a quick chat or a favour! This is not a game it's my life. I could hear she hates it! I Link to post Share on other sites
tobydog1 Posted January 19, 2011 Share Posted January 19, 2011 Don't worry Russell, there are plenty of women who want a single dad, I need one myself! LOL! Keep up the good work! I need how to learn to block sending emails to mine! I am in Leeds, where are you? Link to post Share on other sites
Author russell1968 Posted January 19, 2011 Author Share Posted January 19, 2011 I'm based in Worthing West Sussex Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted January 19, 2011 Share Posted January 19, 2011 Hmm, 17mo old child, sudden changes in behavior, substance abuse. IMO, take positive steps to end the M amicably and focus on fathering your children. In essence, give her exactly what she wants, mindful of your own boundaries. If this truly was an unhappy M for her, that's her perspective. Accept it. Move forward. At worst, you'll preserve the value of the family you began with her, as well as your dignity. At best, she may accept the unhappiness of the past and decide to build a new relationship with you in the present and future. Link to post Share on other sites
Author russell1968 Posted January 19, 2011 Author Share Posted January 19, 2011 Thanks carhill, I asked her if she wanted a divorce and she doesn’t! I owe it to my family to try to make this work, so in the future when my girls asked me what happened, I can tell them hand on heart I tried my best to save it!! Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted January 19, 2011 Share Posted January 19, 2011 OK, then your 'bend' stops at marriage counseling, this week. Openings happen every day. Your good current income can allow you to pay cash, so no waiting periods for national health care. Make the appointment, then invite her to join you. If she refuses, simply advise her you will be going and that you consider her refusal to be an abandonment of the marriage and grounds for divorce and you will proceed along that path. Calmly state your perspective. That's my advice. Link to post Share on other sites
Author russell1968 Posted January 19, 2011 Author Share Posted January 19, 2011 Carhill, she was going to come to counselling with me but that was before i screamed alot of abuse at her before she moved out! I will give her a couple of weeks and see what happens! This won't fix itself overnight, it may never! But thanks to the great people on this forum it makes things that little bit easier! Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted January 19, 2011 Share Posted January 19, 2011 OK, set a firm timeline in your mind and stick to it. 'I'm sorry for my abusive behavior and I'm going to begin counseling to work on it. I'd like you to join me. I've made an appointment for xxxx (a couple weeks from now).' Then, leave it alone. If she processes your apology and disclosure and willingness to work on things as positive, she'll join you. If not, she won't. It's outside of your control. Whatever you do, be proactive. Make decisions and stick to them. Link to post Share on other sites
robf1971 Posted January 19, 2011 Share Posted January 19, 2011 No way am I paying for her accommodation, is she using housing benefit and her inheritance, also I have agreed to pay her 15 k for her share in the equity in property, this was drawn up in a separation agreement by a solicitor I also have 50-50 custody of the girls, she just dropped called me , I’m tempted to call her back, but won’t. Yep I live on the South coast in the sunny UK I'm in Oxford, and yeah it was a beutiful day today, winter at it's best!!. Good for you on the agreement. Link to post Share on other sites
Author russell1968 Posted January 19, 2011 Author Share Posted January 19, 2011 Carhill, you are right i need to work withing a time frame! i'm just finding my feet taking care of my girls 4-5 nights a week and working full time. I may be 42 but I'm fit and full of life, just a bit scared of being alone! I often find myself asking myself this- if she was the one for me why did i treat her so badly? It makes me wonder if this isnt a bad thing after all?? Maybe i'm doing this more for my kids than anything else? Link to post Share on other sites
robf1971 Posted January 19, 2011 Share Posted January 19, 2011 no I’m just very busy and quickly at work I Excellent... However always be upbeat and have something to do, do not make it sound passive aggresive. eg "I'm not answering her calls to get back at her" Say she calls in the evening " I'd love to chat but I'm just on my way out" Don't jump at her beck and call anymore. Don't be surprised to see her testing you eg showing up on your doorstep. "Wife If you want to talk I'm all ears, but I only have 5 minutes" It doesn't matter what you are doing, just be vague even if it's going to th cinema on your own. Start dressing smart, buy some new clothes, make her wonder why.. Link to post Share on other sites
robf1971 Posted January 19, 2011 Share Posted January 19, 2011 She’s been calling and texting all day, I finally got back to her and she asked if I could look after my daughter next week during the day while she had a exam, she also asked me if I was ignoring her I said no I’m just very busy and quickly at work I made my excuses and got off the phone double quick!! i cannot and won't be there for her when she wants a quick chat or a favour! This is not a game it's my life. I could hear she hates it! I She's gonna start testing you man.. expect anything from Crap behaviour to her seducing you. Link to post Share on other sites
robf1971 Posted January 19, 2011 Share Posted January 19, 2011 Carhill, she was going to come to counselling with me but that was before i screamed alot of abuse at her before she moved out! ! This is where you stand up for yourself and show your wife a 180. If she starts yelling/talking in a nasty tone/baiting you. You hold up your hand and say calmly "Wife I'm always happy to listen to you but only when you talk to me in a civil and repsectful manner .Until then this conversation is over" I'll almost guaruntee you she will get really mad but you have walked away. My money is on an apology. This is how you earn her respct back but you must stay calm. Link to post Share on other sites
Author russell1968 Posted January 20, 2011 Author Share Posted January 20, 2011 (edited) The phone calls started at 8.00am I ignored them! (I did want to pick up as thought one of my daughters could have been sick during the Night!) But I didn’t! 10 mins later she calls again I ignore, then a text then voice mail, a hour later and I call back, She asks me why I didn’t pick up the phone I told her I was driving , she said that never used to bother you ? I didn't say anything I then politely asked her what she wanted? after all this drama all she wanted was to know how to tax the car!! I told her I couldn’t speak long as I was at work, she asked why I couldn’t spend 5 mins on the phone I said I have a lot on and only just got in! I was pleasant but firm, she said you know you have the girls this weekend I said yes of course, I made my excuses and got the phone? This is hard, bit I think it may be working? Whats your thoughts Rob Edited January 20, 2011 by russell1968 spelling Link to post Share on other sites
robf1971 Posted January 20, 2011 Share Posted January 20, 2011 The phone calls started at 8.00am I ignored them! (I did want to pick up as thought one of my daughters could have been sick during the Night!) But I didn’t! 10 mins later she calls again I ignore, then a text then voice mail, a hour later and I call back, She asks me why I didn’t pick up the phone I told her I was driving , she said that never used to bother you ? I didn't say anything I then politely asked her what she wanted? after all this drama all she wanted was to know how to tax the car!! I told her I couldn’t speak long as I was at work, she asked why I couldn’t spend 5 mins on the phone I said I have a lot on and only just got in! I was pleasant but firm, she said you know you have the girls this weekend I said yes of course, I made my excuses and got the phone? This is hard, bit I think it may be working? Whats your thoughts Rob She is testing you Link to post Share on other sites
robf1971 Posted January 20, 2011 Share Posted January 20, 2011 all she wanted was to know how to tax the car!! Bullsh*t, she could have gone to the DVLA website lol. So easy a 12 year old could do it Link to post Share on other sites
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