Pressure to get Engaged

[IfiKnewThen]

i am NOT blaming anyone here. i do not know you. i just hope youre g/f wakes up soon and changes her attitude and how she treats you b/c .....

 

unbeknonst to me i was treating the one i loved this way...and he just kept it in and resented. really...my situation is sooo completely diff, i dont know why i attempted to compare it.

 

all i can say is bravo for you to go to the sessions..good job : ) and keep communicating with her. i didnt get communication. i got passive aggressive behavior..and then he checked out of my life as i knew it. no word. such a coward.

 

 

if anything can save this and make it more enriched..is good communication and satisfying participation from BOTH parties.

[Lauriebell82]

 

This leaves me confused since she meets my negotiable and non-negotiable list. So why am I so unhappy?

 

Because she is not the right person for you. She could be excellent on paper, but in your actual LIFE, she is just not "the one."

 

I also feel some resentment that I am not the #1 person in her life. She always turns to her parents first before me. Bad day at work, calls her parents. Not feeling well, calls her parents. Not sure about a decision, calls her parents. I think I have a problem and I am insecure about how close she is to her parents.

 

This is where I have some confusion. You said that you have pulled away from the relationship (emotionally and physically) and don't really want to spend time with her, so why exactly should she come to you for support or advice? She probably turns to her parents because they provide her with unconditional love and you do not.

 

From my rant above, is the problem in the relationship me? Maybe I'm the one that needs to shape up.

 

I think it's a little bit of both of you. You want to change the relationship, she is frustrated and upset that you are halfway out the door, therefore doesn't really feel like trying to "change her ways." SHE probably resents YOU, for trying to change her, and your inability to accept the person that she is.

 

I think it's wonderful you are going to individual therapy. Couples therapy could be helpful, and it IS possible to work through these issues. BUT in my experience, you can't MAKE someone be "the one" for you. You can't change them into being the partner you want them to, they have to be willing to modify behavior. But it sounds like personality wise, you guys just don't jive.

Edited January 20, 2011 by Lauriebell82

[heartshaped]

Honestly, I don't think either of you are the problem. I think the problem is the two of you are just not right for each other. I have read everything you have said about her and honestly, it just sounds like to me that you don't like her. You may love her and care for her and cherish her, but liking someone is completely different and completely necessary in a lifetime relationship.

 

The things that are bothering you are all little habits she has that in essence makes her herself. In a relationship, when a person has major negative faults of course, you want them to work on them, but some things are just what make up a person's personality and it's not fair to ask them to change these things. Just like her relationship with her parents. She seems extremely close with them and this really isn't something that would be fair of you to ask her to change.

 

I think the two of you could both find other people that are more suited to yourselves. Counseling in a lot of cases is just beating a dead horse. You know the relationship is over, you know it's not right for either one of you, but both parties insist on trying to fit a square into a round hole.

[erpderp]

My girlfriend and I went to couples therapy last week (Friday) to help us sort out our issues. The therapist identified the core issues behind my complaints and started to shed light on how to make improvements.

 

During the session the therapist indicated I am a very independent person and that I am resenting my partner for not being independent herself. The therapist identified that one of the key reasons why my partner is not independent is that she suffers from anxiety about being left alone or being in awkward situations. One of which she has had a hard time getting over being away from her parents which have always been a source of support for her. She has indicated that I do not give her the same support and love that her parents give her, which is why she always goes to them for her problems and concerns and not me.

 

The therapist also described her as being very clingy through some of the examples we both gave her. One example that really hit home was last year my girlfriend and I went out running with a group of friends. About 1/4 of the way in she decides that she has had enough and wants to go back. I told her that I would meet her at the car when we were done but she expected me to go back with her. To this day she has refused to go on any hikes or other runs because of this incident. She said that she feels anxious because she is afraid of getting dizzy from running too hard or getting lost or being in a situation where no one can help her.

 

The therapist gave a great example that you cannot expect your partner to do anything. They will only do something because they want to. If you ever expect your partner to do something they will almost always do the exact opposite, or they will resent you.

 

We have a few things to work on but at least she identified the trouble areas. She mentioned that we both have to come halfway on our issues in order to resolve our problem. I will need to be more supportive of my girlfriend in her anxious situations and she needs to be more independent.

 

However, after the session my girlfriend still believes that she doesn't have to change anything and keeps asking me each day if I feel happier. I keep telling her that this isn't a quick fix and this is something that we will both have to work at over the long term.

 

While I'm trying very hard to be a better partner, I find that she is very distant. We are not intimate at all anymore, usually if I do make an advance towards her she will push me away and say that she doesn't want to do that if were not a "for sure" couple. We do spend most of our free time together as I have put most of my own activities on hold through this tough time. This lack of intimacy bothers me because we are planning on going to Hawaii in March.

 

Any comments? Overall I feel more level headed about my issues with the relationship. I'm not sure if this thread really belongs in the "Getting Married" forum or not anymore.

Edited January 24, 2011 by erpderp

[Lauriebell82]

I'm glad your therapist gave you some insight. I agree with her on those points. Is your gf going to individual therapy as well? I think she has her own issues that need sorted out (as do you) and while couples counseling is helpful, if she isn't willing to work on her behavior then counseling won't do jack for either of you.

 

You guys sound a lot like my husband and I, he is VERY independent, while I like a lot of support and struggle with low self esteem which makes me more dependent on people. I have a close relationship with my parents as well, but have branched out from them since I got married, because my husband has showed me that HE can be my support and that he loves me. That's the only way I really could learn to be more independent, with love, support, and understanding from my husband.

 

She is probably hesistant to believe that you are trying because you tried to check out of the relationship once before. Do you still not want to marry her?

[erpderp]

I'm glad your therapist gave you some insight. I agree with her on those points. Is your gf going to individual therapy as well? I think she has her own issues that need sorted out (as do you) and while couples counseling is helpful, if she isn't willing to work on her behavior then counseling won't do jack for either of you.

 

You guys sound a lot like my husband and I, he is VERY independent, while I like a lot of support and struggle with low self esteem which makes me more dependent on people. I have a close relationship with my parents as well, but have branched out from them since I got married, because my husband has showed me that HE can be my support and that he loves me. That's the only way I really could learn to be more independent, with love, support, and understanding from my husband.

 

She is probably hesistant to believe that you are trying because you tried to check out of the relationship once before. Do you still not want to marry her?

 

No she is not going to individual therapy. I only went the one time since I was depressed. I went into a walk-in therapist.

 

The couples therapy where my girlfriend and I attend are going to several sessions.

 

Currently, I do not want to marry her. But I'm hoping when I get these issues sorted out, I will have the desire to marry her again. Or am being unreasonable with myself about this issue?

Edited January 24, 2011 by erpderp

[Lauriebell82]

No she is not going to individual therapy. I only went the one time since I was depressed. I went into a walk-in therapist.

 

The couples therapy where my girlfriend and I attend are going to several sessions.

 

Currently, I do not want to marry her. But I'm hoping when I get these issues sorted out, I will have the desire to marry her again. Or am being unreasonable with myself about this issue?

 

Does she have any interest in going to individual therapy? I think it could help her.

 

As far as not wanting to marry her, does she know this? This is just my opinion, but I don't think you can turn marital desire on and off. What would have to be different for you to decide you want to marry her? We are talking about basically a personality change in her...that might be difficult.

[pureinheart]

Just a quick update. We will be attending our first couples therapy session this Friday. I am looking forward to it, but at the same time I am not looking forward to it.

 

I have found that all of my feelings of resentment, and of unhappiness have returned just like it was before the break up. Even with me completely bending backwards to be a better person in the relationship it just isn't working, nothing about the relationship is changing and I think I have created a rift with the previous try in breaking up.

 

When I saw the private therapist a few weeks ago, she mentioned to come up with a list of negotiables and non-negotiables before I go to the couples therapy session. I should try and discuss that with my girlfriend.

 

I tried to find examples of what to do since I had writers block as to what fits in each category, but the ones I came up with are:

 

Negotiables:

-Enjoys alcohol

-Similar interests

-Bed times

-Household chores

 

Non Negotiables:

-Smoker

-Cheating

-Trust

-Active Lifestyle

-Ambitious

 

My current girlfriend has all the right negotiable and non-negotiable attributes. With the exception of being ambitious as she seems to lack any sort of drive to going onto the next level in her career and lacks any drive to participate in adventurous activities.

 

This leaves me confused since she meets my negotiable and non-negotiable list. So why am I so unhappy?

 

Well, the things that make me unhappy right now is I resent being with her all the time. I don't know why, but recently she has me in a funk because since I've been trying harder to do things her way all the time as soon as I start to slack off a bit she has a temper tantrum. Recently I've been putting in extra effort to do most of the housework including cleaning the kitchen right away, before she gets home from work and immediately afterwards. The other day, I was on the computer checking out some sports scores as she was emptying the dishwasher. She asked for me to come and help, I responded saying I would be right there. She stormed over, stared at me in the den and said I should come right now because we do things "together." Yet, it seems that she had forgotten the naps she took on the weekend while I cleaned everything up because she was tired. I didn't storm over to make her help me. Yikes!

 

I guess I feel like she is trying to control me in a way.

 

I also feel some resentment that I am not the #1 person in her life. She always turns to her parents first before me. Bad day at work, calls her parents. Not feeling well, calls her parents. Not sure about a decision, calls her parents. I think I have a problem and I am insecure about how close she is to her parents.

 

From my rant above, is the problem in the relationship me? Maybe I'm the one that needs to shape up.

 

Sorry for the rant, I just wanted to vent a bit before I go to my therapy session.

 

Please forgive me if I'm way off here, although based on the title of the thread and the first few paragraghs of this post, it looks too analytical. Certainly we should think things out, although this doesn't sound like it will be a marriage, it sounds like a debate, a reasonable comprise. I would seriously think twice before entering into this...I'm not quite sure what to call it.

 

"You don't marry the one you can live with, you marry the one you can't live without"...Dr. James Dobson, Focus On The Family.

Edited January 24, 2011 by pureinheart

[erpderp]

Does she have any interest in going to individual therapy? I think it could help her.

 

As far as not wanting to marry her, does she know this? This is just my opinion, but I don't think you can turn marital desire on and off. What would have to be different for you to decide you want to marry her? We are talking about basically a personality change in her...that might be difficult.

 

She does know that I do not want to marry her at this time. She is willing to wait for me to sort out my issues before we move on with our lives.

 

She has gone to a therapist in the past, but it didn't help much. The therapist we recently saw recommended either a drug she can take suppress her anxiety or she can try some behavioral therapy.

 

I'm not entirely sure what would make me want to marry her. I'm hoping that my feeling for her will come full circle when we are a better couple. I am starting to realize that what may need to change with each other may not be possible.

Edited January 24, 2011 by erpderp

[Duckduckgoose]

Well if you don't want to marry her, then let her go. Your feelings might change, but from what you have said they probably won't.

[IfiKnewThen]

 

 

 

ALL so profoundly said...especially "hoping feelings will come full circle when we are a better couple."

 

wow i have felt this way and could never really express it till reading this.