Pressure to get Engaged

[JaneDoe35]

Well this is harder than I first thought. She approached me the other day and said if I don't want to get married to just tell her so we can get on with our lives. For some reason I caved and lied to her again. I think I'm scared of the drastic change that this will bring.

 

I know a man who is going through something similar right now. He feels so

 

guilty and lies to fix things if his wife gets distressed about the possible end

 

of their relationship.

 

Unfortunately he married her after a 10 year relationship. He didn't really

 

want to but felt pressured. Silly excuse I know! And then after 4 months

 

of marriage he now is trying to end things. What a mess. So hard on

 

his wife, family, friends and even himself....

 

Go to relationship counselling where this can be done 'properly'. She will

 

want to know how you got to this point. She deserves honesty now.

 

I know it is not easy for you either. Ending a relationship is painful for the

 

person who ends it too...good luck.

[PegNosePete]

I had originally promised her 3 years ago that I wanted to marry her.

Congratulations dude; you've been engaged for 3 years already. A promise to marry is called an engagement. You just didn't buy her a ring or set the date yet.

 

Now grow a pair and ditch her. Stop torturing her further by lying.

[erpderp]

Oh wow!

So you want her to be the one to break up with you? It might happen if she gets fed up enough, as it is she probably is sensing issues that is why she asked you about what you want.

 

Bad news for you though, since you are the unhappy one with the concerns, YOU have to say it. As much as it hurts, just do it. It doesn't get easier with time, just gets her and her family more angry that you have been stringing them along for so long. Well, from my personal experience anyway.

 

Good news, once you talk with her, you will be happier and so will she. You just might be surprised at the amicable break up of assets. Simplistic as it sounds, it works for your peace of mind, no breaking up book will give you tips on what to say. You have been together long enough for you to respect her enough to talk to her.

 

You know what, you are completely right that I want her to break up with me. I think that is what I was waiting for so I wouldn't have to be the one that made this tough call. Ugh. I guess this is why the break up process is never easy.

 

I hope your right about the amicable division of assets.

 

I think I'm going to try and spill my guts tonight about the issue, right after supper. The break up manuals all say to do it on the weekend but I shouldn't try to put it off any longer. I'll post updates on my progress.

[erpderp]

I know a man who is going through something similar right now. He feels so

 

guilty and lies to fix things if his wife gets distressed about the possible end

 

of their relationship.

 

Unfortunately he married her after a 10 year relationship. He didn't really

 

want to but felt pressured. Silly excuse I know! And then after 4 months

 

of marriage he now is trying to end things. What a mess. So hard on

 

his wife, family, friends and even himself....

 

Go to relationship counselling where this can be done 'properly'. She will

 

want to know how you got to this point. She deserves honesty now.

 

I know it is not easy for you either. Ending a relationship is painful for the

 

person who ends it too...good luck.

 

I figured I would respond to this separately as over the Xmas break my Mom sat down with me and asked if I was happy. I lied to her and said I was. I think she could tell that I was saving face and let me know that if I'm not happy I should move on.

 

She told me that my uncle who was married for 25 years and then suddenly got a divorce was in the same situation. He had mixed feelings about his girlfriend and eventually married her after having kids with her so the kids would grow up in an ideal household. After the kids grew up and moved out he finally said enough is enough and got a divorce. He mentioned to my Mom that he was unhappy in his relationship with his wife for all of those 25 years.

 

Sadly he has since passed away but he did eventually marry someone whom he was very happy with.

 

She reminded me that we don't have kids, and when you have kids in an unhappy relationship that it is a recipe for disaster.

[erpderp]

** UPDATE **

 

I did it, I manned up and told her that I didn't want to marry her and that I didn't want to be with her anymore. I think it hurt me more than it hurt her. To be honest she only seemed sad for a little while and then she was fine. The strange part is she doesn't want to move out and is now expecting me to move out. Which I found strange since she said she would move back home if we weren't together.

 

I feel awful. I don't know if I made the right decision or not.

[Mad Max]

Stand your ground. Let her move out. But you made the right decision. 7 years is a long time. Propose or end it.

[Eeyore79]

I feel awful. I don't know if I made the right decision or not.

 

It's a bit late now!! Are you totally sure you want to end things with her? How do you feel now - relieved or confused?

[D-Lish]

You disagree on all the fundamentals of a life-long relationship: finances, sex, housework, lifestyle/exercise, vices (alcohol). I think it would be incredibly unwise for you to marry her given that you don't share similar views on these things.

 

I agree with this!

 

If after 7 years you still don't feel like you are in love with her, your feelings are unlikely to change!

 

Never enter into a marriage under pressure, that will only breed a whole lot of resentment on your part.

[JaneDoe35]

** UPDATE **

 

I did it, I manned up and told her that I didn't want to marry her and that I didn't want to be with her anymore. I think it hurt me more than it hurt her. To be honest she only seemed sad for a little while and then she was fine. The strange part is she doesn't want to move out and is now expecting me to move out. Which I found strange since she said she would move back home if we weren't together.

 

I feel awful. I don't know if I made the right decision or not.

 

I believe that you have made the right decision. As I said ending a relationship is not easy.

 

You are feeling confused and fearful about your decision.

 

Time will change that.

[Duckduckgoose]

Send your ex-gf here so we can console her. She's got to be hurting right now.

[erpderp]

It's a bit late now!! Are you totally sure you want to end things with her? How do you feel now - relieved or confused?

 

I feel both. I am relieved that I finally opened up and shared my feelings. Something that I have been holding in for a long time. I am also confused because as it turns out she doesn't want to move out because she just believes that this is a bump in the road and that we can work through things.

 

I hate seeing her so unhappy, last night was the first night we slept in separate places.

 

After talking with her last night (we live together), she wants me not to move out after I told her I wasn't going anywhere. She keeps pushing towards us going to counciling as she believes we can work through the issues.

 

I do believe that the damage is done and even if we did patch things up I don't know if I would feel like everything was normal.

 

Since I indicated my unhappiness to her and that I do not want to marry her she said that she slightly feels the same way and that she knew something wasn't okay. Since I brought the break up out of the blue (not during a fight or a conflict) is what really caught her off guard.

[Nightsky]

A lot of the disrespects from the toothbrush timer to the bed times are equally your fault. When you put up with this type of behavior you encourage it.

 

If you want this relationship over one of you needs to move out.

[PegNosePete]

If you want this relationship over one of you needs to move out.

That's the ideal but it's often not that easy. It depends whose name the house is in, who paid for it, etc. Moving out could be extremely costly.

[Lauriebell82]

I feel both. I am relieved that I finally opened up and shared my feelings. Something that I have been holding in for a long time. I am also confused because as it turns out she doesn't want to move out because she just believes that this is a bump in the road and that we can work through things.

 

I hate seeing her so unhappy, last night was the first night we slept in separate places.

 

After talking with her last night (we live together), she wants me not to move out after I told her I wasn't going anywhere. She keeps pushing towards us going to counciling as she believes we can work through the issues.

 

I do believe that the damage is done and even if we did patch things up I don't know if I would feel like everything was normal.

 

Since I indicated my unhappiness to her and that I do not want to marry her she said that she slightly feels the same way and that she knew something wasn't okay. Since I brought the break up out of the blue (not during a fight or a conflict) is what really caught her off guard.

 

I think you should be the one to move out honestly..you are the one who doesn't want to marry her or be with her. You should be the one to leave.

 

I do think you did the right thing though, you are probably feeling conflicted because it is a huge change. There is no going back now though. PLEASE don't try to give her hope that you two can work things out, and I think if you both continue to live there it will get even more complicated.

[Duckduckgoose]

Yeah, you need to move out. I don't know about the specifics of the house and all, selling it or whatnot.

 

She is a good woman even if she's not perfect. She deserves better than someone who doesn't want to commit to her.

 

As for you, good luck finding the one you want to be with. This might haunt you for a very long time. You need time to heal too before you get with someone else or the same problem now will just rear its ugly head again and you will have hurt another loving woman.

[erpderp]

I do think you did the right thing though, you are probably feeling conflicted because it is a huge change. There is no going back now though. PLEASE don't try to give her hope that you two can work things out, and I think if you both continue to live there it will get even more complicated.

 

Well, everything got very complicated. She decided that she wasn't going to move out because she thinks that we can work things out.

 

The following day I decided to go to a Mental Health Therapist, I told her that I was feeling unhappy and depressed in my current relationship and that I recently ended our relationship hoping that I would feel better, but instead I was feeling worse. We talked about the relationship, what I did and didn't like about it and how it could be improved. Afterwards I felt that I had made a mistake and when I went home I reconciled with her and we are back together.

 

However, the relationship did not go back to normal. We talked about what was making me unhappy and how to improve it. I have been taking big leaps to improve myself right now, and I feel like she is still doing her same old habits that really irritate me.

 

One habit of hers is that she relies on her parents for everything. She had to make a trivial decision about going to her exercise class outside (it is cold here) and she wasn't sure if it was too cold to go or not. She didn't bother with my advice (never does) and calls her parents to ask them of their opinion (they live in another state). This process happens often, usually for what she wants to do and if we should make a small trip somewhere, or if she's feeling tired and doesn't want to go out.

 

I communicated to her that the fact that she treats me second in line to her parents in terms of communication. Most days I come home from work and she doesn't like to talk (about our day, etc). We will usually make supper without saying much except for small talk because if she doesn't eat right away she can have panic attacks. As soon as she is finished eating she will call her parents right away and talk all about her day. I usually listen in and she gives them all the details that I would have liked to have heard. I used to confront her in the past about this, but now I just let it go and focus on what I can do to improve the relationship since our break up.

 

Sadly some of my feeling prior to me initiating the break up are coming back. I'm going to stay the course for the time being and hope everything gets better. We have decided to go and see a couples relationship Councillor to help us with out problems.

 

What doesn't help the matter is that she said she doesn't want to have sex until we are married this time. She made me wait 3.5 years the first time around and now it looks like I'll have to propose before we become intimate again.

 

I have also agreed to begin going through marriage councilling so we can get the ball rolling on moving our relationship to the next step (I used to push back on the marriage councilling step).

 

The sad part is, I think that I still do not want to marry her. Hopefully time changes that.

[Duckduckgoose]

Hey Erpderp, glad you took the leap to see a therapist.

 

However, counselling in a relationship isn't just on one end. SHE has to go too. The problems were not just on your end, they were also on hers.

 

You can't expect things to be different cause you are trying again. You both gotta work on things. You have to write down for her the things that are bothering you and she needs to go to a counselor too.

 

You also need to consider couples counselling. You did the right thing going to a counselor though. Keep going for your own sake, till the smoke clears.

[Duckduckgoose]

Sorry... I didn't see the part saying you are going to counselling WITH her too. Please keep us up to speed on how everything goes. I will pray for you and your girl:)

[Lauriebell82]

Well, everything got very complicated. She decided that she wasn't going to move out because she thinks that we can work things out.

 

The following day I decided to go to a Mental Health Therapist, I told her that I was feeling unhappy and depressed in my current relationship and that I recently ended our relationship hoping that I would feel better, but instead I was feeling worse. We talked about the relationship, what I did and didn't like about it and how it could be improved. Afterwards I felt that I had made a mistake and when I went home I reconciled with her and we are back together.

 

However, the relationship did not go back to normal. We talked about what was making me unhappy and how to improve it. I have been taking big leaps to improve myself right now, and I feel like she is still doing her same old habits that really irritate me.

 

One habit of hers is that she relies on her parents for everything. She had to make a trivial decision about going to her exercise class outside (it is cold here) and she wasn't sure if it was too cold to go or not. She didn't bother with my advice (never does) and calls her parents to ask them of their opinion (they live in another state). This process happens often, usually for what she wants to do and if we should make a small trip somewhere, or if she's feeling tired and doesn't want to go out.

 

I communicated to her that the fact that she treats me second in line to her parents in terms of communication. Most days I come home from work and she doesn't like to talk (about our day, etc). We will usually make supper without saying much except for small talk because if she doesn't eat right away she can have panic attacks. As soon as she is finished eating she will call her parents right away and talk all about her day. I usually listen in and she gives them all the details that I would have liked to have heard. I used to confront her in the past about this, but now I just let it go and focus on what I can do to improve the relationship since our break up.

 

Sadly some of my feeling prior to me initiating the break up are coming back. I'm going to stay the course for the time being and hope everything gets better. We have decided to go and see a couples relationship Councillor to help us with out problems.

 

What doesn't help the matter is that she said she doesn't want to have sex until we are married this time. She made me wait 3.5 years the first time around and now it looks like I'll have to propose before we become intimate again.

 

I have also agreed to begin going through marriage councilling so we can get the ball rolling on moving our relationship to the next step (I used to push back on the marriage councilling step).

 

The sad part is, I think that I still do not want to marry her. Hopefully time changes that.

 

Yikes. Time will NOT change the fact tat you don't want to marry her, I think it's one of those things that you either know or you don't. It sounds to me like the therapist gave you some hope that things could be improved upon, and while I agree with that (I'm a therapist myself), she should have questioned you more about your girlfriend, and if you had tried to work through these problems prior, how did it happen, ect. From what I gather from you, she is not willing to work on these things that you don't like about her. People are capable of changing behavior, however it is not easy, and it does not happen overnight.

 

This whole thing just seems sketchy to me, like it's conditional. I'm all for working things out, but truthfully I think your girlfriend deserves better then this. You aren't grieving the loss of her, you are grieving the loss of the relationship because it has been a huge part of your life. You probably aren't going to feel wonderful about it and it will take time for you to heal, even though you did the dumping. What is going to make it worse is if you play mind games with her (which you are doing) and make her think you want to be with her when you really don't. These are just things to think about.

 

I would say try couples counseling, and if nothing changes then cut your losses.

[hurting_in_nw]

Just remember that while you're being all wishy-washy over someone you clearly care about but no longer want to be with, the best years of your life are passing you by. Be a man for Pete's sake and stick to your guns. Sounds like you'll both be much happier in the long run.

[Ophelia11]

My ex and I moved in together at 19. It was both of our first LTR.We married at 25 after I finished my schooling. I will admit that I wanted him to either commit to marriage or not, so we could move on. I was starting to think I was wasting my time.

 

Our relationship seemed a lot like OP. I resented that he did not help with the household stuff and would leave lists. I was working full time, taking classes, doing an internship, and I wanted his support about the house. He would smoke pot and I would HATE it, even though his friends were doing it. I was seen as being controlling.

 

I ended up getting a ring at Christmas time. It was one I had pretty much picked out, and I did not get a proposal. I got a "here."

 

Last year, about a month before I filed for divorce, we were talking about engagements and he announced to his whole family at Christmas that I gave him an ultimatum.

 

I wasted 16 years with that creep. We have kids, and a house, and alot more. Divorce is messy and still isn't over here.

 

Bottom line is that you both resent each other as it is. That is not going to go away. Don't be a wimp, she will hate you a lot more down the raod when she realizes your marriage is a farce.

[IfiKnewThen]

wow what happened in this situation? i have a lot of opinions here and maybe even suggestions.

 

but i would really like to know where this situation is at now.

 

please let us know soon. thanks : )

[IfiKnewThen]

ps i agree with duckduckgoose. and i hope and pray this works out too. really hit home reading this all. i have been through similar things recently and so has my daughter in her relationship. anyway...best of luck to you both. so glad you are trying it all before just throwing in the towel. this way you can clearly say you tried everything.

 

most people today walk away too fast. its good you are giving the relationship more than that. as time goes on things get stale..period. i dont care who you are with...but yes we are more compatible with some than others.

 

but sometimes we have "hope" and possibilities with some more than others too : )

 

believe me theres a difference.

[samsungxoxo]

It would be best if you just let her go before wasting 3 more years into this dead-end relationship. You're not happy with her and don't really love her enough else why would you question if ''she's the not or not'' but neither is she.

 

The both of you aren't on the same page so it won't work out and 7 years is a long time already. I don't know why is she still with you (or vice-versa) if you're even doubting your love for her.

[erpderp]

Just a quick update. We will be attending our first couples therapy session this Friday. I am looking forward to it, but at the same time I am not looking forward to it.

 

I have found that all of my feelings of resentment, and of unhappiness have returned just like it was before the break up. Even with me completely bending backwards to be a better person in the relationship it just isn't working, nothing about the relationship is changing and I think I have created a rift with the previous try in breaking up.

 

When I saw the private therapist a few weeks ago, she mentioned to come up with a list of negotiables and non-negotiables before I go to the couples therapy session. I should try and discuss that with my girlfriend.

 

I tried to find examples of what to do since I had writers block as to what fits in each category, but the ones I came up with are:

 

Negotiables:

-Enjoys alcohol

-Similar interests

-Bed times

-Household chores

 

Non Negotiables:

-Smoker

-Cheating

-Trust

-Active Lifestyle

-Ambitious

 

My current girlfriend has all the right negotiable and non-negotiable attributes. With the exception of being ambitious as she seems to lack any sort of drive to going onto the next level in her career and lacks any drive to participate in adventurous activities.

 

This leaves me confused since she meets my negotiable and non-negotiable list. So why am I so unhappy?

 

Well, the things that make me unhappy right now is I resent being with her all the time. I don't know why, but recently she has me in a funk because since I've been trying harder to do things her way all the time as soon as I start to slack off a bit she has a temper tantrum. Recently I've been putting in extra effort to do most of the housework including cleaning the kitchen right away, before she gets home from work and immediately afterwards. The other day, I was on the computer checking out some sports scores as she was emptying the dishwasher. She asked for me to come and help, I responded saying I would be right there. She stormed over, stared at me in the den and said I should come right now because we do things "together." Yet, it seems that she had forgotten the naps she took on the weekend while I cleaned everything up because she was tired. I didn't storm over to make her help me. Yikes!

 

I guess I feel like she is trying to control me in a way.

 

I also feel some resentment that I am not the #1 person in her life. She always turns to her parents first before me. Bad day at work, calls her parents. Not feeling well, calls her parents. Not sure about a decision, calls her parents. I think I have a problem and I am insecure about how close she is to her parents.

 

From my rant above, is the problem in the relationship me? Maybe I'm the one that needs to shape up.

 

Sorry for the rant, I just wanted to vent a bit before I go to my therapy session.