Pressure to get Engaged

[erpderp]

I am currently in a relationship with my girlfriend and she is pressuring me to get engaged soon. She has threatened several times over the past year that she will leave me if I fail to propose to her soon. I am reluctant to marry her being I have doubts that she is “the one”. We have been a couple for seven years and living together for four of those seven years.

 

What eats me up inside is that I had originally promised her 3 years ago that I wanted to marry her. I also indicated my intentions to her parents.

 

We both are originally from another city. When I graduated from college, I found a job in another state. We decided to try a long-distance relationship for the time being and before she was willing leave home and move in with me I had to promise her that I would marry her. My original intentions were to marry her at the time (when I didn’t have my current doubts).

 

The current doubts I have are:

 

-She is very clingy; she demands that the majority of our spare time be spent together. At first this was not a problem as we shared the same interests but now some of our interests have changed. I don’t want to spend all of my time with her.

 

-She has a hard time spending money on activities. I find it frustrating that she doesn’t like to take spontaneous trips, or go to an exercise class or to go on a day trip to a ski hill just to save a few bucks.

 

-We disagree on household chores. We always argue over who is carrying their weight with the household chores.

 

-We disagree on finances. We don’t split the bills, as I pay for all of them. She saves her money and puts the majority of it on the mortgage. Her opinion on not splitting the bills is when we have kids she won’t be able to split the bills anyway.

 

-Doesn’t reciprocate in bed. I perform oral sex on her, but she will never return the favour. She mentions that is it something that she is working on gathering the courage to do it, but this has been happening for 4+ years. I try to be respectful and not pressure too much.

 

-She doesn't drink alcohol at all. She has a hard time respecting me drinking. She will usually get on my case if I have one drink during the week, or if I have one before going out somewhere. I have talked with other couples and they do not have this problem.

 

-Sometimes I feel attracted to other women, I have met many attractive women with common interests that I have thought it would be nice to be single to try and pursue her. I think this is a result of me being unhappy in my currently relationship.

 

For this Christmas she has hinted several times that she would like an engagement ring. Whenever her parents have caught me on the phone they tell me that I really should think about buying their daughter an engagement ring this Christmas. Christmas is coming and I have no desire to buy a ring.

 

Most of my doubts that I have identified above can be fixed, but she is unwilling to budge on many of them. Lately I’ve cut back many of the activities I used to be involved in to try and make things work, but I am starting to find myself somewhat unhappy.

 

I need some advice on what I should do? My girlfriend loves me very much, but I have a hard time reciprocating that.

 

This relationship is our first serious relationship for the both of us.

Edited December 19, 2010 by erpderp

[westrock]

I am reluctant to marry her being I have doubts that she is “the one”.

 

How do you know if someone is "the one" for you?

 

We have been a couple for seven years and living together for four of those seven years.

 

I don't understand how you can claim she is pressuring you. That is a LONG time that you have been together. You can't figure it out after all that time?

 

Most of my doubts that I have identified above can be fixed, but she is unwilling to budge on many of them. Lately I’ve cut back many of the activities I used to be involved in to try and make things work, but I am starting to find myself somewhat unhappy.

 

Have you shown her this list of concerns? Print it out and show them to her and have a heart-to-heart discussion. Tell her you are not happy and that is why you are holding back. Communication is the key here!

 

Whenever there are irreconcilable differences like this, it is not enough to say that one's partner is unwilling to budge on them. You need to ask yourself whether you are willing to budge on them too? How important are these to you? Are they 'dealbreakers' or just differences that you would have to live with? Only you can answer that.

 

How are you going to feel if on December 26th, after not receiving a ring, she breaks up with you? Are you going to be relieved or are you going to be heartbroken and come back asking how to get her back?

[erpderp]

How do you know if someone is "the one" for you?

 

I don't understand how you can claim she is pressuring you. That is a LONG time that you have been together. You can't figure it out after all that time?

 

I am feeling pressured because of the deadlines she has set and the continuous prompts of asking me when I am going to propose. This pressure is the stress I am feeling from not resolving my doubts with her.

 

Have you shown her this list of concerns? Print it out and show them to her and have a heart-to-heart discussion. Tell her you are not happy and that is why you are holding back. Communication is the key here!

 

We have discussed them actually (except my interest in other women). We start off saying what the other person wants to hear and then it breaks down and everything returns back to the way it was before.

 

Whenever there are irreconcilable differences like this, it is not enough to say that one's partner is unwilling to budge on them. You need to ask yourself whether you are willing to budge on them too? How important are these to you? Are they 'dealbreakers' or just differences that you would have to live with? Only you can answer that.

 

I have budged on many of her issues. I have given up many of my activities that I enjoy, I have very restricted personal time away from her and I still pay all of the bills. I am finding that I am unhappy due to this since I am being controlled in a way. The other side of the coin is I may be trying to control her. So this this relationship doomed?

 

How are you going to feel if on December 26th, after not receiving a ring, she breaks up with you? Are you going to be relieved or are you going to be heartbroken and come back asking how to get her back?

 

This is what I am unsure about, I don't know if I love her, but I do care about her. I'm sure I will be heartbroken when/if it happens but I may be relieved. This is something that I do not know until it happens.

 

I'm scared if I marry her, I'll be living with a feeling of regret.

[Star Gazer]

You disagree on all the fundamentals of a life-long relationship: finances, sex, housework, lifestyle/exercise, vices (alcohol). I think it would be incredibly unwise for you to marry her given that you don't share similar views on these things.

[Eddie Edirol]

Heres some questions for you to ponder Erpy-Derpy.

 

Youve been with her a while.... obviously you think you might not WANT to make this work. And its understandable if she doesnt want to make adjustments with things you want.

 

Do you think you would miss her if you dumped her and didnt speak to her at all?

 

 

• Do you think you would easily get dates now that youve gotten your first long term relationship out of the way?
  

 

 

• Do you feel youve learned things about yourself that you can work better with someone different?
  

 

 

• does she want to spend all the spare time bieng affectionate with you? Does she act like she is "in love" with you, or does she treat you like a platonic husband? maybe treat you like a brother?
  

 

 

• Does she seem like the type that would ignore you and obsess about the kids if she had any?
  

 

I personally think she is in a hurry to have kids from pressure from her family. When she wants to spend all her spare time with you, is it to cuddle with you in front of the tv, do things you want to do, or is it just to do things she wants to do?

 

If you know that you can easily get a date and feel around new personalities, you might not miss her. You might feel free and relieved if she walks away.

 

You really have to imagine what your life would be without her and see if thats what you want. It sounds to me like you wont be happy, and if youre not happy now, the way you described her it will only get worse. I think you should walk away from this. If you think you wont be unhappy, I think that you already KNOW that you will be unhappy. When youre with someone, you're supposed to be excited to marry them, and looking forward to calling her your wife. if none of this applies to you, then you should walk away.

 

I also think that since she is so ready to walk away from you, that she has already partially checked out of this relationship. She is getting herself ready already.

Edited December 19, 2010 by Eddie Edirol

[erpderp]

Heres some questions for you to ponder Erpy-Derpy.

 

Youve been with her a while.... obviously you think you might not WANT to make this work. And its understandable if she doesnt want to make adjustments with things you want.

 

Do you think you would miss her if you dumped her and didnt speak to her at all?

 

I'm sure I would miss her if we terminated our relationship. After all we have spent nearly seven years together. I don't completely resent her.

 

• Do you think you would easily get dates now that youve gotten your first long term relationship out of the way?
  

[/quotes]

 

This is something I am not sure about, as I've been told that people view you differently depending on your current status. Everyone that I have met knows that I am taken. But I am confident that I would be able to get dates easily.

 

 

• Do you feel youve learned things about yourself that you can work better with someone different?
  

 

I think this is your best point. Yes I have learned a lot about myself and what I look for in a partner. What plagues me is this is my first serious relationship, so at times I question if there is anyone else out there for me.

 

 

• does she want to spend all the spare time bieng affectionate with you? Does she act like she is "in love" with you, or does she treat you like a platonic husband? maybe treat you like a brother?
  

 

I think she treats me more like a child at times. When the clock strikes 10pm she makes sure I get ready for bed to go with her to sleep. Lately she has been nit picking me on my toothbrush technique and has bought a timer to ensure that I doing it for the full minutes.

 

 

 

• Does she seem like the type that would ignore you and obsess about the kids if she had any?
  

 

I'm not sure if she would. I think she would be overly protective though.

 

I personally think she is in a hurry to have kids from pressure from her family. When she wants to spend all her spare time with you, is it to cuddle with you in front of the tv, do things you want to do, or is it just to do things she wants to do?

 

Its a mix of cuddling with no TV, short walks and trips to the mall. Usually the things I want to do don't count or she doesn't want to do them.

 

If you know that you can easily get a date and feel around new personalities, you might not miss her. You might feel free and relieved if she walks away.

 

You really have to imagine what your life would be without her and see if thats what you want. It sounds to me like you wont be happy, and if youre not happy now, the way you described her it will only get worse. I think you should walk away from this. If you think you wont be unhappy, I think that you already KNOW that you will be unhappy. When youre with someone, you're supposed to be excited to marry them, and looking forward to calling her your wife. if none of this applies to you, then you should walk away.

 

I also think that since she is so ready to walk away from you, that she has already partially checked out of this relationship. She is getting herself ready already.

 

Thanks for the reply Eddie. I think your points really help, especially the one about the life lessons. I do think that I have partially checked out of the relationship. What also worries me is that many of my friends I met through her, so if I break things off with her I may lose those friends.

 

What also makes this situation scary is that we live together and share the mortgage (both have our titles on the property). But I know that is just about sorting things out afterwards.

[Eddie Edirol]

Well, she shouldnt have to tell you how long to brush your teeth, you should already be brushing them well for yourself...like over a minute without a timer. You might have to re-assess that.

Is there anything other hygene problems that she mothers you about that you should be fixing anyway? You dont want to start dating new women if youre not brushing enough. If she is treating you like a child, that isnt good, but she has a point with the brushing, what else does she make sure that you do?

 

As far as making you go to bed at 10, then that is just controlling, because she doesnt want to go to bed alone, and she might want to make sure you arent doing anything she doesnt know about.

 

Since she is your first relationship, what is her age and what is yours?

[Lauriebell82]

It sounds like the two of you have some incompatibilities. However you have lasted for 7 years and you have not broken up with her yet. You've mentioned the things you DON'T like about her, what are the things that you do?

 

Also, have you ever told her any of this? Maybe she thinks everything is hunky dory and that you are just dragging your feet about marriage?

[erpderp]

Eddie:

The toothbrush point is just one of her nitpicking ways. I have good dental hygiene and I rarely have cavities. I just don't necessarily do it 100% her way. I don't floss every single night like she does, but I do it at least once per week.

 

The other annoying things she makes sure of is to tell me every single time she does housework. I don't always announce to her that I've done the dishes, or cleaned up something. After doing so, she will usually follow up with what I need to do to make things even. I find this very annoying as when I do something related around the house, I don't feel the need to broadcast what I've done or have the need to settle the score.

 

She makes sure that I go to bed with her often. She will often announce "time for bed" and make sure that I am preparing for bed (shutting off lights, turning off computer/TV) and if I do not promptly start preparing she will make a fuss.

 

I am 28 and she is 26.

 

Lauriebell82:

Some of the activities that I do that cause stress for her are:

 

-Drinking, I think when I have one drink on a weekend she is okay with that. But when I have a second or third drink she usually makes a fuss about it. I tend to have multiple drinks when I'm with friends or if I'm watching football or something. She doesn't drink so if I open a bottle of wine I'll usually have 2-4 glasses.

 

-Video Games, I enjoy playing video games from time to time and she doesn't like that I'm not doing something with her. I don't play very often and sometimes I enjoy staying up a bit later in the evening (past our bedtime) and that can annoy her.

 

-Staying up late, whether I'm playing video games or watching a movie (or TV). She doesn't like it when I do not go to bed with her. As she believes that all "normal" couples go to bed together. She will often play the sex card and say that if I went to bed with her earlier that we would do it more often. But she has stated several times that she will only consider it if it is before 9:30pm.

 

-Some of my activities can have a big time commitment. I like to run in long distance races, so 3 days a week I would run for 1-2 hours. She would like to run with me, but only if I cancel one or more of the days I would have used as a training day.

 

We have gone over many of these problems a few times before. Usually she either doesn't budge, or we both agree to try and solve the problems which last for maybe a couple of days and then everything returns to the way it was before.

 

I'm not sure if she thinks everything is hunky dory or not. I think she knows something is up because I have told her before (when she has asked) that I'm not sure if I want to marry her.

Edited December 20, 2010 by erpderp

[cj2]

If I were you, I would write down those things that are bothering you and discuss them with her. The problems won't go away without an honest, open discussion. But they need to be discussed in a way that doesn't make her feel like you are trying to pick on her, so you need to tread carefully.

 

For instance over money, you need to reach a common solution. Is your mortgage a joint one? The way I worked it with my ex was to have a joint account for rent + bills, which we would both pay an equal % of our salary into. Then we had savings accounts which we both would put a set amount into each month when we were saving for a house. The rest was our to do with as we please.

 

You've been together a long time, so it does not surprise me that she is pressuring you to get enagaged. I think you need to let her know that it is these differences that are putting you off wanting to and by the sounds of it you either need to resolve them, or go your seperate ways.

[yoga18]

I'm actually irritated bc what your doing is so unfair to your gf! If you think you care for her but are not in love with her then let her go so she can be happy! What I have noticed is that no matter how flat you make a pancake there are still 2 sides. You point out all these annoying examples of her yet when it comes to reflection on your imperfections there is always an excuse. FYI good oral hygiene required flossing daily not once a week! You may not be compatible with this woman and that is fine but why are you still with her then. Also after 7 years I hardly think you have the right to call it "pressure" to get married. Anyone after 7 years (unless we are talking about couples that began dating at age 13) is going to look for the next step. Maybe she is frustrated with you. I doubt you are being perfect in the relationship. I also think that you may want to consider the 7 year itch??? You should know that the demands of dating have changed and the grass is definitely not greener on the other side and you want to talk about pressure, the demands are high. I'm not saying to be unhappy but you better think long and hard cause this isn't something to take lightly. FYI you make it sound as though her parents mentioning a ring is not ok if I were here father you and I would have already talked about your intentions and right now they don't sound admirable

In any way. Consider your imperfections you might be stunned to find out what your issues are

[Lauriebell82]

Eddie:

Lauriebell82:

Some of the activities that I do that cause stress for her are:

 

-Drinking, I think when I have one drink on a weekend she is okay with that. But when I have a second or third drink she usually makes a fuss about it. I tend to have multiple drinks when I'm with friends or if I'm watching football or something. She doesn't drink so if I open a bottle of wine I'll usually have 2-4 glasses.

 

-Video Games, I enjoy playing video games from time to time and she doesn't like that I'm not doing something with her. I don't play very often and sometimes I enjoy staying up a bit later in the evening (past our bedtime) and that can annoy her.

 

-Staying up late, whether I'm playing video games or watching a movie (or TV). She doesn't like it when I do not go to bed with her. As she believes that all "normal" couples go to bed together. She will often play the sex card and say that if I went to bed with her earlier that we would do it more often. But she has stated several times that she will only consider it if it is before 9:30pm.

 

-Some of my activities can have a big time commitment. I like to run in long distance races, so 3 days a week I would run for 1-2 hours. She would like to run with me, but only if I cancel one or more of the days I would have used as a training day.

 

We have gone over many of these problems a few times before. Usually she either doesn't budge, or we both agree to try and solve the problems which last for maybe a couple of days and then everything returns to the way it was before.

 

I'm not sure if she thinks everything is hunky dory or not. I think she knows something is up because I have told her before (when she has asked) that I'm not sure if I want to marry her.

 

I believe I asked you to list things you LIKE about her. Instead you listed even more things about her that piss you off. Sheesh, this should really be telling you something...

 

And these all sound like very minor things. You accuse her of not wanting to compromise, but you are guilty of it as well.

Edited December 20, 2010 by Lauriebell82

[Eddie Edirol]

Erpy Derpy, you're not happy. If you really wanted to be happier, you would stand up to her on all of these things that you you mentioned. But it looks more like you two arent compatible. Since she is the first one youve ever been with, you can probably find someone who isnt such a control freak. You just have to make sure that you wont miss her. Really think about it.

[Lauriebell82]

Erpy Derpy, you're not happy. If you really wanted to be happier, you would stand up to her on all of these things that you you mentioned. But it looks more like you two arent compatible. Since she is the first one youve ever been with, you can probably find someone who isnt such a control freak. You just have to make sure that you wont miss her. Really think about it.

 

Assuming that OP is the victim and his gf is the control freak. We are only hearing one side of the story, she may have a different version. OP sounds as if he has NO desire to spend time with his gf, therefore her "demands" piss him off. I ask my husband to come to bed with me early, as he asks me the same. Neither of us get bent out of shape because we like going to sleep together.

[LucreziaBorgia]

Under no circumstances should you get engaged, or even continue the relationship at this point. You think it is bad now? This is the best it is going to be, and will be all downhill from here. The two of you are incompatible on some very fundamental levels.

[erpderp]

I've been away on Xmas vacation so I haven't had a chance to reply to your comments. But I would like to thank you for your responses.

 

I've had a some time to think about my situation and about the points made in your above posts.

 

Apparently my push back from marriage is not uncommon and should be dealt with immediately. I feared the whole break up scenario quite some time ago (again this is my first serious relationship) and I still do. But now it has spun out of control. We share a house and several belongings, so this will be messy.

 

Ultimately I am not happy, we have had several fights and discussions in the previous years about the issues that I've raised above (with me doing the same for her problems) and ultimately we end up in the same place.

 

I have realized that my complaints are not unreasonable as I have talked to a few couples about some of my problems and how they relate to their relationships and they aren't much of a problem at all in their relationship.

 

Moving forward I need to man up and end this relationship. It isn't going to be easy and I'm not sure the best way to do it. I do care for her, but I don't really love her anymore. I need to let her find that special someone who won't second guess marrying her.

[Crazy Magnet]

I do hope you end it for her sake. I would be mad as H3LL if you promised me you would marry me if I gave up my life for you and then you backed out after THREE years. Come on, suck it up and either propose or let her go. Although, proposing at this time sounds like a bad idea.

 

Just remember the next girl probably isn't going to give you seven years to waste.

[paleblue]

It's going to suck if you do end things, she sounds like a good woman, but I seriously think your "wife" needs to relax and loosen her grip a little, well a lot. She's treating you like a Ken doll and controlling your entire life. I'm not sure that's possible for her to relax her grip it sounds like. I mean you get flack over one beer a week? You get told what time you have to go to bed every night? Jesus. The next thing you know she's going to have your cloths laid out for you every morning and dress you. Why can't she just relax?

Edited December 30, 2010 by paleblue

[allina]

I would never want to marry a man who felt about me the way you feel about your gf. Also, you deserve to (and should) marry a woman you're head over heels in love with, a woman you cannot wait to marry. Getting married shouldn't be a chore that you dread. It really should be one of the happiest and most exciting things you ever do. Please do not force this marriage.

 

And, marriage can be hard, you really need to be in love and all in if it's going to work.

[Lauriebell82]

I have realized that my complaints are not unreasonable as I have talked to a few couples about some of my problems and how they relate to their relationships and they aren't much of a problem at all in their relationship.

 

Yes, but every relationship is different. No couple "relates" in the same manner. Personally I feel that you are being unreasonable as well in your expectations of your gf. Nobody is perfect. However, you deserve to marry someone you are head over heels in love with and want to share your life with. And if this is not your gf, then so be it.

 

Moving forward I need to man up and end this relationship. It isn't going to be easy and I'm not sure the best way to do it. I do care for her, but I don't really love her anymore. I need to let her find that special someone who won't second guess marrying her.

 

Yes, you definately need to man up. I think you just need to be honest with her and say that you don't see a future together and that it is not fair to her to continue in the relationship. I do not think you should go through the list of things you don't like about her/your relationship, that will just add insult to injury. Be honest, but dont be mean or cruel. She gave you 7 years of her life, you can at least be understanding about it.

[erpderp]

I've been reading up on how to initiate a break up and I'm fairly clueless. I don't want to wait too long to do it, I don't know if initiating a break up over New Years is a good idea.

 

But what I have understood is that I need to be straightforward, not to nitpick at her and plainly admit that its my fault that this isn't working. Since we live together I might either sleep on the couch or rent a motel room for the night.

 

Wish me luck!

[erpderp]

Well this is harder than I first thought. She approached me the other day and said if I don't want to get married to just tell her so we can get on with our lives. For some reason I caved and lied to her again. I think I'm scared of the drastic change that this will bring.

[Lauriebell82]

Well this is harder than I first thought. She approached me the other day and said if I don't want to get married to just tell her so we can get on with our lives. For some reason I caved and lied to her again. I think I'm scared of the drastic change that this will bring.

 

Wow, she deserves better then that. What are you scared of? How she will react? The complications of it all? If you don't want to be with her, then you will have to just bite the bullet and deal with it. Man up!!!

[Eeyore79]

I don't think you can reasonably claim that she is pressuring you into marriage. Look at the facts:

 

- You've been together for 7 years, and living together for 4 years. Most women would expect a proposal long before now, and she's actually been extremely reasonable by waiting this long.

 

- You promised 3 years ago that you would marry her, and she moved to another state on the basis of that promise. She held up her end of the bargain, but you didn't. How can she be "pressuring" you into marriage when you already promised to marry her? All she's asking is that you keep your promise, which seems fair enough given that she's waited 3 years.

 

- You told her parents that you would marry her, and then failed to follow through. She must feel incredibly humiliated by this.

 

- She has told you several times that if you don't want to marry her you should both move on, but you're still stringing her along and refusing to let her go, even though you have no intention of marrying her.

 

Most women would have kicked you to the curb years ago; you have been entirely unreasonable and have lied to everyone concerned, not just to your gf but also to her parents. You have strung her along for years on end with no intention of marrying her - you say you planned to marry her at one point before you developed these doubts, so why didn't you?

 

You clearly have issues in your relationship, but are they worth throwing the whole relationship away for? There must be some good things if you've stayed together this long... plus a relationship with someone else won't be perfect either. Maybe couples therapy or counselling would help?

 

She's edging into her late 20s, so if she's going to dump you and find another man to marry in time to have kids in her 30s, she needs to get on with it. You need to decide once and for all whether you want her or not, and if not you need to let her go.

[chloe56]

Oh wow!

So you want her to be the one to break up with you? It might happen if she gets fed up enough, as it is she probably is sensing issues that is why she asked you about what you want.

 

Bad news for you though, since you are the unhappy one with the concerns, YOU have to say it. As much as it hurts, just do it. It doesn't get easier with time, just gets her and her family more angry that you have been stringing them along for so long. Well, from my personal experience anyway.

 

Good news, once you talk with her, you will be happier and so will she. You just might be surprised at the amicable break up of assets. Simplistic as it sounds, it works for your peace of mind, no breaking up book will give you tips on what to say. You have been together long enough for you to respect her enough to talk to her.