mm just out of an affair

December 6, 2010

if wife knows truth she would instantly leave the marriage .. if i want to keep the marriage then can never tell her ... have read before that off loading my guilt on to her is even more selfish and cruel .. affair is over now as it stands

Maybe this is true, but how do you know?

In my case, ex-AP/MW believed the same was true of her husband. But when D-Day came, there was a storm, yes, and yet almost a year later, they are still together (as far as I know, and I suspect if they'd split, I'd have heard!). So their marriage may be troubled or whatever but he did not instantly leave, even after he learned the worst -- whether it will survive long term, who knows?

But don't assume what your wife will do when confronted with your infidelity, because what she may have said and what she is willing to actually do are not necessarily the same.

Maybe for you it would be the beginning of a long slow recovery towards an improved marriage, or maybe it would be the end of an unsatifying marriage. But you do not know.

December 6, 2010

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t192097/

Read up on notsure7, he came saying most of the same things you are about his OW. He didn't have quite the disconnect with his wife that you do but he wasn't "in love with her" any longer. You seem to have quite a bit of resentment toward your wife. Perhaps this is an exit affair.

not familiar with exit affair?

December 6, 2010

Yeah, that's typically the lie that the WS tells themselves to cover their own behinds. They don't want the BS to have a say in their own lives. IMO it is because they fear the BS WILL leave and never look back. They don't give the BS the option to chose to fight for the marriage...they force them into staying by default.

I agree with most of what you said Bent, but that line in bold is not true - if the relationship is crappy - I'm sure its no secret to the BS as well - they know the M is in a bad spot and they still choose to stay and live day to day without addressing issues - no one is FORCING them to stay.

Yes, the BS doesn't have the full picture and I do agree that that is wrong, but if they are in a crappy M, they have the choice to stay or go - no one is forcing anyone.

December 6, 2010

I agree with most of what you said Bent, but that line in bold is not true - if the relationship is crappy - I'm sure its no secret to the BS as well - they know the M is in a bad spot and they still choose to stay and live day to day without addressing issues - no one is FORCING them to stay.

Yes, the BS doesn't have the full picture and I do agree that that is wrong, but if they are in a crappy M, they have the choice to stay or go - no one is forcing anyone.

You assume that what the BS views as crappy is the same as what the WS views as crappy. Rough patches, disconnect, whatever the adjective used doesn't necessarily make them deal breakers. Infidelity may not be a deal breaker, but if a spouse doesn't know about it...it is force by default in my opinion.

December 6, 2010

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t192097/

Read up on notsure7, he came saying most of the same things you are about his OW. He didn't have quite the disconnect with his wife that you do but he wasn't "in love with her" any longer. You seem to have quite a bit of resentment toward your wife. Perhaps this is an exit affair.

I think notsure was willing to put himself and his emotions out there to really get some help from people. Tigers has not done that even a little bit yet. 46 posts later and we have had virtually no emotion whatsoever.

It's like the ow script of what her mm does.

Grew apart from his wife

Wife knows something is wrong

He doesn't have sex with his wife.

Doesn't sleep in the same room even as his wife.

Has not ever lied to his ow.

Has two young girls - very little emotion shown there too though.

Wants to leave for his ow but has shown no action to do that.

Loves his ow.

Does not want to tell his wife the truth.

All this but no emotion in the posting...

Tigers if you want help you need to open up a bit.

December 6, 2010

if wife knows truth she would instantly leave the marriage .. if i want to keep the marriage then can never tell her ... have read before that off loading my guilt on to her is even more selfish and cruel .. affair is over now as it stands

If you are looking honesty, this is called fense sitting. That may be why she bolted. Did you tell her you were going to leave ahead of time or did you say it in the heat of the moment to prevent her from leaving? Big difference. Heat of the moment screams that you weren't ready to leave. If you were upfront and told your OW that you wanted to leave and were beginning to plan this out, that's different.

December 6, 2010

You assume that what the BS views as crappy is the same as what the WS views as crappy. Rough patches, disconnect, whatever the adjective used doesn't necessarily make them deal breakers.

I find that really interesting. I do understand what you're saying, but at the same time, I find that weird.

I guess its just my opinion, but if I were married, and my H and I slept in separate beds, and there was an emotional disconnect, and there was no sex, and he seemed troubled and mentally/emotionally preoccupied, I would see those are red flags - something to at least discuss and try to work out the real reason that's causing them.

But you do actually bring up a good point, because I've heard from BSs on other forums where they say that "there was nothing wrong with our marriage" and then an affair happened.

I think you touched on a common theme in M's where affairs happen - they lack communication, and it seems that often times one spouse could be miserable while the other thinks that everything is just dandy.

Infidelity may not be a deal breaker, but if a spouse doesn't know about it...it is force by default in my opinion.

I dunno, I still can't see it as force, if the BS doesn't want to leave and has no desire to leave (because as far as they are concerned - things are ok).

I still don't think that being kept in the dark is the right thing - I think its cruel and a waste of the BS's life - but I think I'm just getting hung up on the word "force" - and I don't see it as such if the BS isn't even making a move to get out of the M.

December 6, 2010

I agree with most of what you said Bent, but that line in bold is not true - if the relationship is crappy - I'm sure its no secret to the BS as well - they know the M is in a bad spot and they still choose to stay and live day to day without addressing issues - no one is FORCING them to stay.

Yes, the BS doesn't have the full picture and I do agree that that is wrong, but if they are in a crappy M, they have the choice to stay or go - no one is forcing anyone.

I read emotion, a heightened loyalty to his love interest, and a cold disconnect and possibly resentment of his wife. I think that's fairly typical of limerrance or the affair fog as some call it.

December 6, 2010

I think notsure was willing to put himself and his emotions out there to really get some help from people. Tigers has not done that even a little bit yet. 46 posts later and we have had virtually no emotion whatsoever.

It's like the ow script of what her mm does.
Grew apart from his wife
Wife knows something is wrong
He doesn't have sex with his wife.
Doesn't sleep in the same room even as his wife.
Has not ever lied to his ow.
Has two young girls - very little emotion shown there too though.
Wants to leave for his ow but has shown no action to do that.
Loves his ow.
Does not want to tell his wife the truth.

All this but no emotion in the posting...

Tigers if you want help you need to open up a bit.

im at loss here ,, what kind of emotion am i not doing . i ve admitted to being in lot pain over this .. how else do i express it ,,,

December 6, 2010

not familiar with exit affair?

Some people who want to end their marriage chose to do so by having an affair. Not a recommended way to handle it, but it is what some people do.

It sounds like you want to end your marriage, but will only do so if you think you will be with OW. Is that right?

December 6, 2010

Some people who want to end their marriage chose to do so by having an affair. Not a recommended way to handle it, but it is what some people do.

It sounds like you want to end your marriage, but will only do so if you think you will be with OW. Is that right?

Usually in exit affairs the ws is fairly careless, though, as if he is trying to be found out.

December 6, 2010

im at loss here ,, what kind of emotion am i not doing . i ve admitted to being in lot pain over this .. how else do i express it ,,,

How do you feel about your wife?

How do you feel about leaving your daughters and sharing time with them.

How do you feel about your daughters coming from a divorced home?

How do you feel about another man helping to raise your daughters?

How do you feel now that your ow is gone?

Can you live without her?

How do you feel about the pain you have put your ow through?

How did no contact come about? What precipitated it.

You have given basic afffair statements with no emotion and no facts. Just a cold disconnect. I think the most emotion you've shown is because you were told your actions were cowardly.

December 6, 2010

If you are looking honesty, this is called fense sitting. That may be why she bolted. Did you tell her you were going to leave ahead of time or did you say it in the heat of the moment to prevent her from leaving? Big difference. Heat of the moment screams that you weren't ready to leave. If you were upfront and told your OW that you wanted to leave and were beginning to plan this out, that's different.

did both really .. but more so in the heat of moment .... so that not good ?

December 6, 2010

How do you feel about your wife?
How do you feel about leaving your daughters and sharing time with them.
How do you feel about your daughters coming from a divorced home?
How do you feel about another man helping to raise your daughters?
How do you feel now that your ow is gone?
Can you live without her?
How do you feel about the pain you have put your ow through?
How did no contact come about? What precipitated it.

You have given basic afffair statements with no emotion and no facts. Just a cold disconnect. I think the most emotion you've shown is because you were told your actions were cowardly.

ok ok .. i will adress those questions but forgive me my reaction to the cowardly remark ... telling a soldier that is asking for trouble .. juvenile i know but that how i was schooled

December 6, 2010

Usually in exit affairs the ws is fairly careless, though, as if he is trying to be found out.

Sometimes. Some manage to hide the affair even through the divorce. I guess it depends what the motivation is - getting a jump start on single dating (like testing the waters), finding a replacement for the current spouse, getting the spouse to end the marriage, just having some support through the divorce, ...

Anyway, I don't think that applies to this poster, as it has already been 18 months and he still hasn't even told his wife he wants a divorce.

December 6, 2010

Some people who want to end their marriage chose to do so by having an affair. Not a recommended way to handle it, but it is what some people do.

It sounds like you want to end your marriage, but will only do so if you think you will be with OW. Is that right?

i wanted to leave to be with her i think now ... she made me feel like the most desirable man in the world ... that hard to give up

December 6, 2010

ok ok .. i will adress those questions but forgive me my reaction to the cowardly remark ... telling a soldier that is asking for trouble .. juvenile i know but that how i was schooled

Nothing is more brave than defending your country but with that bravery can also come an emotional disconnect from all you have seen. You could be emotionally cowardly, cowardly when it comes to relationship and most of all a total coward of hurting someone. You are trained to protect and not hurt. Telling your wife will hurt and you can't face that.

December 6, 2010

i wanted to leave to be with her i think now ... she made me feel like the most desirable man in the world ... that hard to give up

That's the make up of affairs. No everyday stuff to get in the way. No kids, no bills, no relatives, no laundry, just all out wanting of one another especially when you spend so few moments together. Everything is magnified.

December 6, 2010

i wanted to leave to be with her i think now ... she made me feel like the most desirable man in the world ... that hard to give up

It's amazing the affect that has on someone who feels virtually nonexistent to their spouse.

December 6, 2010

Nothing is more brave than defending your country but with that bravery can also come an emotional disconnect from all you have seen. You could be emotionally cowardly, cowardly when it comes to relationship and most of all a total coward of hurting someone. You are trained to protect and not hurt. Telling your wife will hurt and you can't face that.

you have brought a tear to my eye now

December 6, 2010

did both really .. but more so in the heat of moment .... so that not good ?

no...it's not good. She probably felt you were just saying it to appease her. Leaving is a serious business and if she cared for you at all, she wouldn't want you to throw it out there like that for the sake of a heated moment. She probably saw a potential mess, bigger than usual where divorce is concerned, if it was handled that way. That may have been what scared her. That is why she and the people here are telling you that it has to be for YOU and your happiness and no one else.

December 6, 2010

thanks..........

Hey Tiger....How are YOU doing? I am not sure where your OW is coming from, or what is in her head, I just know that YOU are under much pressure...there were times I felt sufficated...

It being the holidays and all, I cry a lot (which is good)...break ups are hard my friend and my heart totally goes out for you and all involved.

Ok, you've been beat up, and I bet you have beat yourself up more than anyone could on this forum or anywhere. We all are human...we all mess up, sometimes really bad. Talk to God about all of this stuff and ask Him what to do, ask Him to give you peace and the strength to do what needs to be done.

None of us are above reproach or better than the other...not one of us can stand on a pedestal and say, "I am better than you because...."

I feel like you feel like the villian in all of this. Your not. You are human.

How do you feel about your M, about OW, how do you feel about you (minus the condemnation)...

My feelings...I NEVER want anyone who doesnot want me...whatever happens everyone will get over it in time.

Anyway those are just my scattered thoughts...ok off track now...I watch the History Channel a lot and see the hardships that our Armed Forces have endured (from the Pilgrims on...)...if anyone is selfish it is me...to have the freedom to be at the PC right now.

December 6, 2010

i wanted to leave to be with her i think now ... she made me feel like the most desirable man in the world ... that hard to give up

Yes, feeling like that is extremely powerful, many crave those feelings. But how do you feel about yourself? I mean, feel about yourself for who you are, not who you are with? That's what really matters, isn't it?

December 6, 2010

PiH, I know I don't always share your opinion, but I think you are one of the most compassionate people on these boards and you so often make me think twice.

Hey Tiger....How are YOU doing? I am not sure where your OW is coming from, or what is in her head, I just know that YOU are under much pressure...there were times I felt sufficated...

It being the holidays and all, I cry a lot (which is good)...break ups are hard my friend and my heart totally goes out for you and all involved.

Ok, you've been beat up, and I bet you have beat yourself up more than anyone could on this forum or anywhere. We all are human...we all mess up, sometimes really bad. Talk to God about all of this stuff and ask Him what to do, ask Him to give you peace and the strength to do what needs to be done.

None of us are above reproach or better than the other...not one of us can stand on a pedestal and say, "I am better than you because...."

I feel like you feel like the villian in all of this. Your not. You are human.

How do you feel about your M, about OW, how do you feel about you (minus the condemnation)...

My feelings...I NEVER want anyone who doesnot want me...whatever happens everyone will get over it in time.

Anyway those are just my scattered thoughts...ok off track now...I watch the History Channel a lot and see the hardships that our Armed Forces have endured (from the Pilgrims on...)...if anyone is selfish it is me...to have the freedom to be at the PC right now.

December 6, 2010

Yes, feeling like that is extremely powerful, many crave those feelings. But how do you feel about yourself? I mean, feel about yourself for who you are, not who you are with? That's what really matters, isn't it?

i am reasonably happy in my own skin ... sure i have issues ,, most of which were drilled out of me .... this woman is like no other i ve ever met ... was instantly drawn to her and not just sexually ... she did make me feel so good .. she is courageous and daring/independent .. she is confident and strong ... my type ... she has similiar interests and tastes ,,, no other woman ever responded to me like she did ... i liked being dominant and vunerable with her as did she ... and need i say it but we had mind blowing sex that i def never experienced before .. she is like a drug to me ... i am addicted to her in a way but feel strong love too

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