mm just out of an affair

[miso horny]

Get a room you two:sick: miso jealous:o

 

I feel a 3 way coming, cause Miso Horny

[whichwayisup]

I feel a 3 way coming, cause Miso Horny

 

No thank you, I'm married. But you two go for it. Post about it later in the watercooler. ;

[spice4life]

Get a room you two:sick: miso jealous:o

 

Hahaha!!! You beat me to it bnb!

[miso horny]

No thank you, I'm married. But you two go for it. Post about it later in the watercooler. ;

 

if it was just Miso and Bentnotbroken, I guarantee, she would have to change her user name to "bentANDbroken"...

Edited December 6, 2010 by miso horny

[Angel1111]

yes have an un suspecting wife and two kids that i ve tortured myself with guilt all the time ( i repeat not looking for sympathy here )... and i know me going would be devestating to them but what am i to do ??? should i pretend to be happy for rest of my life for their sake while deep inside wishing was with some one else

 

You may not want to hear this but if your marriage is fixable, if you and your wife are capable of restoring your love for one another, then you would be better off staying in your marriage. I know love seems like the most noble reason in the world to leave someone for, or to leave because you don't have it with your wife, but those reasons don't carry the validity and weight that you might think they do in the long run. I'm not suggesting that you stay in a miserable relationship. I'm simply saying that if you can work out things in your marriage, then you would be better off doing that. There's too much at stake in your marriage.

Edited December 6, 2010 by Angel1111

[bentnotbroken]

I feel a 3 way coming, cause Miso Horny

 

 

No and

 

if it was just Miso and Bentnotbroken, I guarantee, she would have to change her user name to "bentANDbroken"...

 

NO! I'm not that old or inflexible.

[awkward]

I am still hoping that you will answer this question .... If you are set to leave, why don't you leave? The reason why you haven't left should give you some insight.

 

I wanted to also ask if you are 100% sure that your marriage is over. Will you be okay with your wife meeting someone else that treats her the way she deserves? Will you be okay with her getting re-married again? Will you be okay with a stepfather in your childrens lives?

 

I think you need to know the answers to those questions. You don't want to be the guy driving past your old house wishing you were still there. I've seen quite a few men post here that their marriage is over. But once it was all out in the open they wanted to save their marriage. Some men get the chance, some men don't.

 

The same goes for the OW. I've seen many OW post here about wanting their MM. But by the time MM decides to finally make a choice, it is too late.

 

You can't unring the affair bell, but you can definitely be a better man starting today. That starts with honesty and making difficult choices.

[miso horny]

No and

 

 

 

NO! I'm not that old or inflexible.

 

OK, but I know you'd be at least "bentandlimping"

[bentnotbroken]

OK, but I know you'd be at least "bentandlimping"

:laugh::laugh::laugh::laugh: hmmmmm:confused:

[thissecretgirl]

is a married man just out of an 18 month affair welcome to chat at this forum??

 

Hi Tigers, welcome and of course you are welcome to chat and hopefully get some suuport and constructive advice.

 

I am new here myself and am the OW in my own personal situation. I have been on both ends though and was married to a man who cheated on me quite a few times.

 

My biggest wish is not actually that he tried to make it work above everything else; that wouldnt have been the right thing for our situation. Instead I wish he had told me much sooner, so that we could have both been free to pursue happiness elsewhere and to minimise the hurt.

 

He cared for me, but our marriage wasnt the right thing for either of us. I see that now with hindsight.

 

My advice would be this; deal with the marriage and the OW issue separately. You were ready to leave for the OW which would suggest to me that you have already made the decision about your marriage. But step back if possible and decide independently whether you want to be in your marriage. Your marriage isnt a consolation prize because it didnt work out with the OW nor should it be a safety net. If you want it, it should be because you are committed to it, love your wife and want it to work above everything else.

 

Its frightening to break from what you know and so many thoughts come into play like what if you have made the wrong decision and regret leaving, what if you miss your kids. Similarly with staying.

 

You need to try and summon the strength from somewhere to deal with the question of your marriage and then find the courage to act on it, whatever the decision. But better to do it independently of you OW and what may or not be.

[pureinheart]

You may not want to hear this but if your marriage is fixable, if you and your wife are capable of restoring your love for one another, then you would be better off staying in your marriage. I know love seems like the most noble reason in the world to leave someone for, or to leave because you don't have it with your wife, but those reasons don't carry the validity and weight that you might think they do in the long run. I'm not suggesting that you stay in a miserable relationship. I'm simply saying that if you can work out things in your marriage, then you would be better off doing that. There's too much at stake in your marriage.

 

I am still hoping that you will answer this question .... If you are set to leave, why don't you leave? The reason why you haven't left should give you some insight.

 

I wanted to also ask if you are 100% sure that your marriage is over. Will you be okay with your wife meeting someone else that treats her the way she deserves? Will you be okay with her getting re-married again? Will you be okay with a stepfather in your childrens lives?

 

I think you need to know the answers to those questions. You don't want to be the guy driving past your old house wishing you were still there. I've seen quite a few men post here that their marriage is over. But once it was all out in the open they wanted to save their marriage. Some men get the chance, some men don't.

 

The same goes for the OW. I've seen many OW post here about wanting their MM. But by the time MM decides to finally make a choice, it is too late.

 

You can't unring the affair bell, but you can definitely be a better man starting today. That starts with honesty and making difficult choices.

 

Hi Tigers, welcome and of course you are welcome to chat and hopefully get some suuport and constructive advice.

 

I am new here myself and am the OW in my own personal situation. I have been on both ends though and was married to a man who cheated on me quite a few times.

 

My biggest wish is not actually that he tried to make it work above everything else; that wouldnt have been the right thing for our situation. Instead I wish he had told me much sooner, so that we could have both been free to pursue happiness elsewhere and to minimise the hurt.

 

He cared for me, but our marriage wasnt the right thing for either of us. I see that now with hindsight.

 

My advice would be this; deal with the marriage and the OW issue separately. You were ready to leave for the OW which would suggest to me that you have already made the decision about your marriage. But step back if possible and decide independently whether you want to be in your marriage. Your marriage isnt a consolation prize because it didnt work out with the OW nor should it be a safety net. If you want it, it should be because you are committed to it, love your wife and want it to work above everything else.

 

Its frightening to break from what you know and so many thoughts come into play like what if you have made the wrong decision and regret leaving, what if you miss your kids. Similarly with staying.

 

You need to try and summon the strength from somewhere to deal with the question of your marriage and then find the courage to act on it, whatever the decision. But better to do it independently of you OW and what may or not be.

 

IMO Tiger, these are some very good responses, they give rounded/sound advice.

 

Lived experience: I was in an EA and did the same thing your OW did, went NC and stayed that way. I told him either his stuff or me (exDM feared more of loosing his stuff and kids than the W...his kids were grown BTW). I couldn't take both of us being torn so I mustered up the courage to go NC and stick with it.

 

He separated and we got back together. I went through the D with him and we didn't work out...he's actually a mess, trying recoupe from a lifetime of screwed up...you are mostlikely much younger and more resilient...all I can say is none of this is easy...the right decision will surface, it's just going to take a great deal of courage no matter which you choose....(((((((hugs))))))) and please keep us updated:) and please don't be discouraged as there are some very supportive people...accentuate the possitive and eliminate the negative:)

[jthorne]

OK, but I know you'd be at least "bentandlimping"

That's not what I heard. I heard that after bent, Miso horny be Miso whooped.

 

Ok, back to the OP- Tiger, what is it that you want? Do you want us to tell you how to get your OW back? In that case, a divorce might help. Do you want us to tell you how to have both? Do you want us to tell you how to fix your marriage? (wrong board for that)

 

From your handful of posts, it sounds like you either want both, or you want the OW for a soft landing.

 

Either way, all I can advise is that you tell your W so she can make a decision for herself- you don't seem to be able to make one, so I'm sure she could help. Good luck!

[KarmasTestDummy]

Where I am struggling to offer advise is in knowing what you really want. It sounds like your OW...but she advised you not to do anything rash. That doesn't mean she doesn't want you, that means she wants you to do it for all the right reasons, like she did. What you said is that she played the "if you love something" card, which is actually very wise of her. The second half is "if it comes back to you". That tells me she still wants you...under the right circumstances. Now the only way you can have her is by taking action though. A year and a half is a long time to invest without any. She's simply frustrated. But if you are so inclined to separate your wife and want her you better wait and go back once you are a healed man and sure. Any wavering

From that point will induce a permanent good-bye. That means you have to be devoted to her while you don't have her, while you tell your wife you want to leave, and while you only have your wife begging you to try and make it work, because they almost always do. They fight for what's theirs. It's not easy...and ow won't be there to make it so, that's your burden. If you can make it through that, then you contact her, tell her it is over and you know how much you've hurt her and that you know it is only her you want. Don't take this time to sew your wild oats and sleep around with other women. It will be shallow and meaningless and destroy your chance, it is your time to heal, make choices, and see what you really want. If it turns out to be your wife she will probably still be waiting with open arms to, but she does deserve to know the truth and circumstances to make her own choices. Good luck to you.

[tigers1970]

Where I am struggling to offer advise is in knowing what you really want. It sounds like your OW...but she advised you not to do anything rash. That doesn't mean she doesn't want you, that means she wants you to do it for all the right reasons, like she did. What you said is that she played the "if you love something" card, which is actually very wise of her. The second half is "if it comes back to you". That tells me she still wants you...under the right circumstances. Now the only way you can have her is by taking action though. A year and a half is a long time to invest without any. She's simply frustrated. But if you are so inclined to separate your wife and want her you better wait and go back once you are a healed man and sure. Any wavering

From that point will induce a permanent good-bye. That means you have to be devoted to her while you don't have her, while you tell your wife you want to leave, and while you only have your wife begging you to try and make it work, because they almost always do. They fight for what's theirs. It's not easy...and ow won't be there to make it so, that's your burden. If you can make it through that, then you contact her, tell her it is over and you know how much you've hurt her and that you know it is only her you want. Don't take this time to sew your wild oats and sleep around with other women. It will be shallow and meaningless and destroy your chance, it is your time to heal, make choices, and see what you really want. If it turns out to be your wife she will probably still be waiting with open arms to, but she does deserve to know the truth and circumstances to make her own choices. Good luck to you.

last time i spoke to ow i told her i would go home and tell wife everyting that instant .. she was nt having any of it ... she didnt want the break upof marriage on her conscience .... she wanted to cut ties with me so be doing it for my self and not her ...im not sure now if she still wants me to be honest cause she has nt made any contact in 3 weeks and she wont any time soon ... came here to get insight into her mind by the way and not to be told im a coward as some suggested .. i have nt covered myself in glory and i have been selfish...i am trying now to clear my head to do right thing ... yes i am scared of messing up more .. i know all about fear and being scared .. i am ex armed forces , box , sky dive and climbed dodgy mountains ... you dont survive those things if you are a coward ... i may be stupid but i am not a coward and i have always faced my fears head on like a man and i will do so again

[whichwayisup]

I wrote afew replys to you the other day.. Not sure if you've read them or not..

Anyway, one question in the meantime - Reguardless of the OW, being there for you or not -- Do you still have the pull to leave your marriage? How much of this IS about the OW? If she wasn't in your life at all, didn't have an affair with you, were you still planning on leaving and divorcing your wife?

[bentnotbroken]

last time i spoke to ow i told her i would go home and tell wife everyting that instant .. she was nt having any of it ... she didnt want the break upof marriage on her conscience .... she wanted to cut ties with me so be doing it for my self and not her ...im not sure now if she still wants me to be honest cause she has nt made any contact in 3 weeks and she wont any time soon ... came here to get insight into her mind by the way and not to be told im a coward as some suggested .. i have nt covered myself in glory and i have been selfish...i am trying now to clear my head to do right thing ... yes i am scared of messing up more .. i know all about fear and being scared .. i am ex armed forces , box , sky dive and climbed dodgy mountains ... you dont survive those things if you are a coward ... i may be stupid but i am not a coward and i have always faced my fears head on like a man and i will do so again

 

You may not have been a coward in your job, but your actions say you have been nothing but with these two women. Until you do just that "face it" you are still showing the traits of a coward in this situation.

[tigers1970]

I wrote afew replys to you the other day.. Not sure if you've read them or not..

Anyway, one question in the meantime - Reguardless of the OW, being there for you or not -- Do you still have the pull to leave your marriage? How much of this IS about the OW? If she wasn't in your life at all, didn't have an affair with you, were you still planning on leaving and divorcing your wife?

had grown apart from wife before ow came along .. we were not sharing same bed or doing anything together ..it did seem even then as it was matter of time ...the sex thing totally went before ow as well .. she lost all interest and didnt want to do anything about it ... we were so happy one time in every way ... the kids kept us together when things went stale ...

[IfWishesWereHorses]

If it had taken you 18 months to work up the courage to make your first jump I'm guessing your buds might have called you a scaredy-cat at least. Have you had any counseling at all? The fact that you have engaged in risk taking, high adrenaline activities as part of your lifestyle sheds a little extra light. Talk through your situation with a professional.

[bentnotbroken]

had grown apart from wife before ow came along .. we were not sharing same bed or doing anything together ..it did seem even then as it was matter of time ...the sex thing totally went before ow as well .. she lost all interest and didnt want to do anything about it ... we were so happy one time in every way ... the kids kept us together when things went stale ...

 

 

Then it is time to move on and allow your wife the same curtsies you have allowed yourself.

[tigers1970]

You may not have been a coward in your job, but your actions say you have been nothing but with these two women. Until you do just that "face it" you are still showing the traits of a coward in this situation.

how have i been a coward to ow ??? she knew was married from start . i never lied or strung her along and when it came to it i was pprepared to leave .. and she just walked away then ...

[tigers1970]

If it had taken you 18 months to work up the courage to make your first jump I'm guessing your buds might have called you a scaredy-cat at least. Have you had any counseling at all? The fact that you have engaged in risk taking, high adrenaline activities as part of your lifestyle sheds a little extra light. Talk through your situation with a professional.

never had councelling... think would rather climb mount everest than face the women here tho !!

[IfWishesWereHorses]

Well, you're getting it from all sides. You have ow women who had to walk away, some that where dropped after d-day, some that are still in that role wondering why words and actions don't match. Then you have the betrayed spouses who have experienced this from your wife's point of view. Few MM here at the moment, you can see why. Shell out the cash for a professional to work through your feelings. The chemicals produced by being in love are powerful things, they can also cloud the judgement of otherwise very intelligent prudent individuals.

[skywriter]

Hi tigers1970,

 

From an OW's perspective, I can certainly relate to some of what you've posted that your exOW felt.

 

Being the OW, being labeled the homewrecker, etc....

 

Also, as you said, she was concerned about you blaming her. Oh boy do I understand that feeling, all too well.

 

I'm a single OW and when a MM is uncertain his future and understandably so, the best for all concerned is to bow out gracefully and let him handle his business, so to speak.

 

She doesn't wanna be your fall back girl. I imagine she never really wanted to be your, "other", either.

[greengoddess]

Where I am struggling to offer advise is in knowing what you really want. It sounds like your OW...but she advised you not to do anything rash. That doesn't mean she doesn't want you, that means she wants you to do it for all the right reasons, like she did. What you said is that she played the "if you love something" card, which is actually very wise of her. The second half is "if it comes back to you". That tells me she still wants you...under the right circumstances. Now the only way you can have her is by taking action though. A year and a half is a long time to invest without any. She's simply frustrated. But if you are so inclined to separate your wife and want her you better wait and go back once you are a healed man and sure. Any wavering

From that point will induce a permanent good-bye. That means you have to be devoted to her while you don't have her, while you tell your wife you want to leave, and while you only have your wife begging you to try and make it work, because they almost always do. They fight for what's theirs. It's not easy...and ow won't be there to make it so, that's your burden. If you can make it through that, then you contact her, tell her it is over and you know how much you've hurt her and that you know it is only her you want. Don't take this time to sew your wild oats and sleep around with other women. It will be shallow and meaningless and destroy your chance, it is your time to heal, make choices, and see what you really want. If it turns out to be your wife she will probably still be waiting with open arms to, but she does deserve to know the truth and circumstances to make her own choices. Good luck to you.

and this is where you are wrong. The ow think that's what occurs but if you read enough infidelity boards and talk to enough people time and again the married men beg and plead for a second chance while the wife is telling him she can have you I don't want a cheater. The mm usuallt tells the ow she cried she begged I have to give it a chance when it is hom doing that.

[tigers1970]

Hi tigers1970,

 

From an OW's perspective, I can certainly relate to some of what you've posted that your exOW felt.

 

Being the OW, being labeled the homewrecker, etc....

 

Also, as you said, she was concerned about you blaming her. Oh boy do I understand that feeling, all too well.

 

I'm a single OW and when a MM is uncertain his future and understandably so, the best for all concerned is to bow out gracefully and let him handle his business, so to speak.

 

She doesn't wanna be your fall back girl. I imagine she never really wanted to be your, "other", either.

and bow out she did... no she hated being the other but when we were together it was magic ... but she always wrestled with her conscience (as did i)