mm just out of an affair

[tigers1970]

must say never heard of a condition of sex starved marriages but will check it out , you know i dont know if this site is helping or not , i came here to some how get relief over x ow but i seem to be obsessing more about her , my grief over her makes it impossible to make any major decision

do all mm in an affair not sound the same and remind you of your mm??

[tigers1970]

Tiger - you remind me so much of my affair partner that it breaks my heart.

 

I can see myself doing what your OW has done and just being done at some stage. Not sure where my breaking point will be.

 

One thing that I can say to you that I don't feel comfortable saying to my AP (who claims to have been in a sex-starved marriage for 15 years) is that there is a lot of information and support for partners in sex-starved marriages (SSM) available.

 

It is possible to recreate that part of your life with your wife - but you need to develop the skills to do it. An important thing I've learned about mismatched libido that makes so much sense to me is that both the high drive and low drive partner contribute to that dynamic. You can learn how to be the man who your wife wants to be intimate with.

 

Google sex-starved marriage. Michelle Weiner-Davis, a pro-marriage advocate and professional author and counsellor has written a couple of books on the subject and she's got a bulletin board.

 

As a current OW I'd love to tell you to get your ****e together, figure out what you want out of life, leave your marriage if it's not working for you (or your wife by the sounds of it) and possibly reconnect with your OW (because that's what I'd like for me) ... but as a rational outsider, who's been thinking about commitment and married relationships and the signficance of the commitment you make to someone when you get married, I really advise you to learn everything you can about turning around the situation with your wife.

 

On the issue of telling your wife ... gee I don't know about that. I've been on both sides of the fence. My xH had an affair that I didn't know about until after we separated. To be honest, I'm glad I didn't know about it. It certainly changed things between us when it was going on, and I didn't know why - but if I'd known he was having an affair, I think it would have been a lot harder to deal with making the decisions we eventually did to separate and divorce. As an OW it's a no-brainer. Dont' tell your wife - whatever you had with OW wasn't about your wife - but she wouldn't get that. (I suspect a lot of posters on here won't agree with that either).

 

The OW is a symptom of a whole heap of other stuff going on in your life and your marriage - she's not the cause of it - but you're wife will focus on that as being the ultimate problem and it will take away from the work you need to do together to rebuild a marriage that was already broken.

 

You've got 2 little kids. Divorce is never great for kids. It's possible to reconnect with your wife - love is a choice my friend. If you make that choice, and do the work to get it right - this may have all been a very important learning experience for you.

 

Take care, K

do all mm in an affair all sound the same and remind you of your mm ??

[bentnotbroken]

bentnotbroken .. ok we all know your point of view as a former bs .. almost all your posts say the same thing .. i have not said i will not tell wife about the A . i have decided however not to do anything rash or say anything til after x mas , for that i will make no opologies . you keep pointing out the same thing , i m just running through everything on my mind here that will , could happen . is that not ok with you ?? your posts suggest every single time that i will not tell her full stop and i have never said that . saying thing s like "he loves him" and "speaks volumes " in a sarcastic tone plus other remarks is getting tiresome ,,, i know i messed up and im trying to get my head right to do some thing constructive ... have you any thing to say without wagging your finger????

 

 

No I don't have a thing to say other than what I have been saying:rolleyes: as it seems your wife is the least of concerns. I could care less whether you find my post tiresome, sarcastic or anything else. If you don't like it ....leave it. Won't stop me from saying it. And if you don't think your what you leave out of your posts doesn't speak as loudly as what you do....you are a bit delusional. Trying...is the word between doing and not doing. If you think I am wrong...go try to pick up a toothbrush...you either do or you don't. So you are messed up head wise...who isn't? It isn't an excuse and shouldn't be an excuse.

[tigers1970]

No I don't have a thing to say other than what I have been saying:rolleyes: as it seems your wife is the least of concerns. I could care less whether you find my post tiresome, sarcastic or anything else. If you don't like it ....leave it. Won't stop me from saying it. And if you don't think your what you leave out of your posts doesn't speak as loudly as what you do....you are a bit delusional. Trying...is the word between doing and not doing. If you think I am wrong...go try to pick up a toothbrush...you either do or you don't. So you are messed up head wise...who isn't? It isn't an excuse and shouldn't be an excuse.

trying for me at the min is (what many here have said to do) formulating a plan before implementing it

[spice4life]

you see i live in a small community where everyone knows eachother and wife is like a sister to my sisters and my mother , my dad plays golf with her dad for crying out loud , i mean for sure all her family will feel like killing me and my own family will be mortified and so disappointed , i have an image of a war hero ( that i hate ) and big brave stand up guy and i feel a phony , i m crumbling inside , sunday im bringing her brother out for his first parachute jump tied on to me , he trusts me with his life and he would nt think for a second that i would cheat on his sister.

 

You know, I totally get this. This was the same reason it took me two years to muster up the courage to tell exH, my kids and my family that I wanted a divorce. The families were close, much like you describe above and it was the hardest thing I ever had to do in my life. But you know what? Once I finally told my family that I wanted to leave, they shocked the h#ll out of me and became very supportive. I thought, like you, that my mother would disown me due to her religious beliefs, but that was not the case at all! I was completely honest with them and told them why I wanted out and they fell in "lock step" right behind me and supported me all the way. As the saying goes, "blood is thicker than water" and my family proved it to me. Sorry for the cliche'. And you know what else? Even though my exH and I were fighting through the divorce, our families remained friends because they knew it was between me and him and they knew it wasn't their place to get involved.

 

As much as I hate to say this (as an xOW of course) you should sit down and have a heart to heart with your wife and tell her why you are not happy in the marriage. And ask her if she is willing to work with you to regain the relationship you once had, so that you can operate as a whole family and not just robots that are just going through the motions. See how she responds. In my case, I knew there was no hope for my marriage because my ex and I were two totally different people and I would have ended up a neurotic mess if I stayed - but that's my case....what is yours? Do you have a foundation that you both can repair and build upon? Or have your differences always been an issue and you just sucked it up because you thought there was no way out? These are questions you should begin to ask yourself. They will help you see what's there in your marriage and what is not.

 

So there you have it...an opinion from an xOW who would find it VERY VERY painful to tell her xMM something like this. But I would if I felt it was necessary - I would want him to know 100% that leaving or staying was the right thing to do FOR HIM. And you know why? Because I love him that much! I would rather walk away then watch him torture himself with "what ifs" and "guilt".

 

Uncover every stone tigers1970 before you make a decision. Like Owl said in one of his posts - pick a direction and stick to it and the answers will begin to come to you. (or something like that...right owl? You get the point though) It will help you to figure out once and for all what it is that you must do.

 

Okay, I am going to bow out now because, honestly, I'm feeling a little down and this thread is beginning to "trigger" some hurt for me regarding my xMM.

 

Best wishes in what ever it is that you decide.

[tigers1970]

No I don't have a thing to say other than what I have been saying:rolleyes: as it seems your wife is the least of concerns. I could care less whether you find my post tiresome, sarcastic or anything else. If you don't like it ....leave it. Won't stop me from saying it. And if you don't think your what you leave out of your posts doesn't speak as loudly as what you do....you are a bit delusional. Trying...is the word between doing and not doing. If you think I am wrong...go try to pick up a toothbrush...you either do or you don't. So you are messed up head wise...who isn't? It isn't an excuse and shouldn't be an excuse.

makes me wonder as to the level of your own recovery if your here constantly singing from same hymn sheet

[spice4life]

do all mm in an affair all sound the same and remind you of your mm ??

 

Okay, one last thing before I sign off. My answer to this question is YES! Read through the forums and you will see for yourself and my situation was no different. The feelings were there (for me anyway), but the dynamics were all the same.

[tigers1970]

Okay, one last thing before I sign off. My answer to this question is YES! Read through the forums and you will see for yourself and my situation was no different. The feelings were there (for me anyway), but the dynamics were all the same.

thanks for all you input spice , wil miss you here

[bentnotbroken]

makes me wonder as to the level of your own recovery if your here constantly singing from same hymn sheet

 

 

You can wonder all you want won't change the mess you are in nor do the right thing by your wife. I will "sing from the same hymn sheet" until Jesus comes again. We all deserve the right to decide for ourselves our lives. Didn't you decide everything you have done during and after the affair for yourself? Or does that only apply to those doing the cheating?

[jsb58]

Hello sir,

I've been neither BS nor WS and I pray to the Good Lord that I never am.

What jumps out at me here is that you seem to still be in affair mode, meaning, primarily concerned with your needs and covering your arse. You have discussed what your wife might do to you, but you haven't been concerned with how she will feel. You are still stuck in selfishness with noticeable lack of remorse.

Edited December 11, 2010 by jsb58
Added note about remorse

[tigers1970]

Hello sir,

I've been neither BS nor WS and I pray to the Good Lord that I never am.

What jumps out at me here is that you seem to still be in affair mode, meaning, primarily concerned with your needs and covering your arse. You have discussed what your wife might do to you, but you haven't been concerned with how she will feel. You are still stuck in selfishness with noticeable lack of remorse.

i know how she will feel but you are right im still in affair mode and obsessing bout ow .. wish i could forget her but she wont leave my head . as regards remorse , it might not be too evident here but its one of the reasons ow dumped me