mm just out of an affair

[tigers1970]

I'm a BW and the answer is "yes".

 

My H had an A with an OW who unbeknown to him, at the time, was also having an A with another MM.

 

The d-day of the other BW was a couple of weeks before my d-day, and both d-days were just over 2 years ago now. Both A's had been going on a long time including while the OW was married.

 

The other MM left his BW and 4 kids 2 years ago this week. He has recently filed for divorce from his BW which will be final the day before x-mas. The other BW and I have met and give each other moral support. The OW basically "took" the one that was prepared to leave his own family before X-Mas and not leave her on her own.

 

Meanwhile me and my H have done an excellent job of recovering our marriage. We were not dissimilar to you, having grown apart over the years with a disconnect but no other major issues in the marriage other than the long-term infidelity (ie no disabilities, financial probs, addictions, drugs, alcoholism, major fights, physical abuse, extended family probs etc).

 

Knowledge of the infidelity was what saved our marriage. Neither my H or me could have done it on our own. It forced us to confront and repair things.

 

Of course I'd rather the A hadn't happened, but given that it did it was absolutely the best thing that I knew about it.

do you trust him now totally? if you had a fight would you be tempted to mention the affaor

[bentnotbroken]

anyone else agree with this cause i dont know

 

 

Maybe others but for me Hell No.

[hopesndreams]

she would never find out if i dont tell her ,, leaving or not ,,, why destroy her totally

 

That's the coward's way!! Not telling her isn't about protecting her, it's all about protecting you.

[tigers1970]

That's the coward's way!! Not telling her isn't about protecting her, it's all about protecting you.

some relationship experts would disagree from my investigation s last half hour

[SidLyon]

do you trust him now totally? if you had a fight would you be tempted to mention the affaor

 

There is no longer "blind trust" in our marriage. It was one of the casualties of the A. It will be "mindful trust" for both of us from now on.

 

His A gets mentioned frequently anyway. A marriage cannot be repaired overnight. Estimates go at 2-5 years but it's not all doom and gloom in that time. We (that's both of us together) have gone "all out" to rebuild and reconcile, and in many ways we have had a great time. Neither of us wanted back the "old marriage". Why would we as it was flawed and lacking in the emotional connection, intimacy and yes, sex departments?

 

In the last 2 years we have taken the kids to Disneyland and Hawaii, been up to tropical Queensland (Port Douglas) and done a long train journey on "The Ghan". My H and I have been away alone together usually just overnight stays in luxury resorts. Family have been supportive in caring for our kids.

 

He is on the last chapter of the book "Not Just Friends" by Shirley Glass, which I recommend to you and you wife. It analyzes why these "disconnect" affairs happen and also outlines the vulnerability to an affair of the "child-centered" marriage. Not PC I know but if the parents neglect each other because of the children then it can be self destructive to the very relationship (ie the marriage) on which the children depend.

[spice4life]

Wow...this thread is lively.

 

I think if a person is leaving no matter what they shouldn't disclose the affair. However, if they choose to stay I think they should tell. It forces both parties to address the real issues in the marriage.

 

I didn't cheat on my exH but if I did I would not have told him. I was leaving anyway so what would be the point. That's just my opinion though. You have to do what you feel is best for you and your situation.

[bentnotbroken]

some relationship experts would disagree from my investigation s last half hour

 

 

It is all about covering so you don't have to deal with her feelings. You avoiding all the damage you did is for who's benefit?

[hopesndreams]

some relationship experts would disagree from my investigation s last half hour

 

Most of those "experts" don't have first hand knowledge. Ask any BS and they will tell you the truth must come out.

[fooled once]

If you are done with your marriage, then leave it and put everyone out of their misery. Or do you feel that you can't do that unless your OW is waiting on you?

 

See, I don't believe this question was ever answered....

 

Your wife deserves so much more than you are doing or who you are. She is entitled to live life with a man who not only loves her, he respects her and would move heaven and earth not to hurt her. Those aren't the feelings you say you have for her...hell those aren't the feelings you even you say you have for the ow.

 

Give your wife the right to chose how to live her life. You get to screw around and then get to make the choice about whether to stay or all without her understanding what is happening. Because she does know something isn't quit right but she trusts you and she wants you to be okay. Are you okay with someone living your life for you? If you are that unhappy give everyone the chance to find happiness where ever they can.

 

Completely agree with Bent.

 

You owe your wife the truth. She knows 'something' is off and I'm sure it has crossed her mind that you *might* be having an affair, but she doesn't want to believe that it *could* be true because you are her husband, have kids with her, said vows to her, built a life with her.

 

You need to fix yourself, something obviously is broken inside of you. And please don't use the excuse that you chose to go outside of your marriage because you 1) fell out of love with your wife, 2)have a bad marriage or are unhappy. Sorry to be blunt there, k.

 

For your kids sake you do owe it to them and to your wife to salvage your marriage, give it a chance. Imagine walking away now and in 3-6 months realizing you actually DO love your wife and want to have your family together under one roof. If you leave your marriage, make sure it's because YOU want out and it has nothing to do about the OW.

 

Did you start feeling less and less for your wife when the OW entered your life? Why did you allow another woman to get close to you, turn to her instead of your wife? All stuff you need to think about and talk to someone, a therapist to help you through this, to make a decision.

 

Another great post and more questions that went unanswered.

 

I still can't figure out if the ONLY reason he is going to leave is because he hopes the OW will still be waiting for him.

 

He refuses to see a therapist, yet has no problem dropping his pants and cheating on his wife. What is that so f'ed up to me?

 

last time i spoke to ow i told her i would go home and tell wife everyting that instant .. she was nt having any of it ... she didnt want the break upof marriage on her conscience .... she wanted to cut ties with me so be doing it for my self and not her ...im not sure now if she still wants me to be honest cause she has nt made any contact in 3 weeks and she wont any time soon ... came here to get insight into her mind by the way and not to be told im a coward as some suggested .. i have nt covered myself in glory and i have been selfish...i am trying now to clear my head to do right thing ... yes i am scared of messing up more .. i know all about fear and being scared .. i am ex armed forces , box , sky dive and climbed dodgy mountains ... you dont survive those things if you are a coward ... i may be stupid but i am not a coward and i have always faced my fears head on like a man and i will do so again

 

Poor guy - 3 whole weeks without contact from the OW. Sorry, that is sarcasm in case you didn't get it.

 

I agree with the others, your actions have been cowardly. You chose to cheat on yoru wife for quite a long time. That was cowardly. You chose to disrespect your OW by going home to your wife and playing husband/father. You state there was no sex, but did you kiss her and hug her? Did you tell her you love her since the affair started? If so, then you cheated on the OW with your wife (as screwed up as that sounds). You have possibly told two women you love them and you have led two women to believe you want to be with them. If that isn't cowardly actions, not sure what else is. WHERE have you faced your fears HEAD ON like a man? Not in this situation.

 

Tiger...I too am ex-military, and have lived an "interesting" life.

 

From my perspective, while you may not be a "coward", you are absolutely not demonstrating any of the attributes that you've used in these other aspects of your life.

 

You're just sitting there whining and crying about the situation. You're NOT taking any action at all, other than sitting there lamenting over how things have gone.

 

I'm sorry...but as a man who's lived some similar experiences, and gone through some pretty rough times myself, my first thought is to tell you to man up, stop with the pity party, and start THINKING, and start taking some action to FIX the situation.

 

Here's the basics for you.

 

You can't have both women in your life.

 

Go back and re-read that again.

 

Maybe even one more time.

 

Now...if your relationship with the OW is currently on hiatus, ignore it for just a moment.

 

Is your marriage fixable from your perspective? Are you willing to put forth the effort it will take to do so?

 

If the answer to either of these is no...or even I don't think so...your next step is ending the marriage.

 

It has nothing to do with OW...and everything to do with doing the right thing for EVERYONE involved.

 

If the answer to both is yes...then that tells you that you need to end the relationship with OW.

 

So dry your eyes, get up, and run that litmus test...and then get off your butt and start MOVING in the direction you've chosen.

 

I don't care which you choose.

 

It doesn't matter to me.

 

But if you want to start acting like the man who's done all that you say you have...then step up and make a choice and get shyte done.

 

Let us know what your choice is...and LS can offer support in either direction.

 

Owl is freaking AWESOME!!! Great post (as usual) Owl!

 

there was all sorts of things available to help her cope but attended little to none ,,, she was never as interested as other military wives .. prob why now im ex military

 

What a sh*tty thing to say. How dare you criticize her when you chose to have an affair! So it is HER fault YOU are ex-military? Boy, you sure do love to shift the blame to everyone but yourself, don't you?

 

Yeah, that's typically the lie that the WS tells themselves to cover their own behinds. They don't want the BS to have a say in their own lives. IMO it is because they fear the BS WILL leave and never look back. They don't give the BS the option to chose to fight for the marriage...they force them into staying by default.

 

Agree. They choose instead to gaslight, to lie, to betray, to not be honorable, etc. Instead, he wants to have an affair instead of dealing with his marital issues HEAD ON. He doesn't want his wife to know what he has done because she just may kick him to the curb and where will he be without the OW waiting for him? If he knows she won't accept his cheating, then he SHOULD tell her so she can make the decision (since he seems to have such a hard time deciding between his wife and his OW).

 

If the risk of her leaving the marriage wasn't a great enough issue to PREVENT the affair, why is it a factor now that the affair is over? You were willing to go home and tell your wife the truth when the OW was still in the picture...why aren't you willing to do so now that she's gone?

 

The "risk" hasn't changed. NOTHING has changed except OW isn't there now.

 

Agree.

 

What is keeping you in the marriage? What is stopping you from leaving?

 

I was waiting and waiting 14 pages for the answer to this question.

 

Seems the answer is because of Christmas. Then again, not sure why he didn't tell his wife over the summer. Oh that's right, the OW hadn't handed him his walking papers then. It seems to me, the only reason he is NOW deciding it is time is because the OW said "bye bye" to him. I hope she does move on and find someone else. You disrespected her long enough.

 

So, you've decided then..You are leaving your wife and kids. I am sorry to hear that. To leave without trying, without going to marriage counseling, without giving it your best is a shame. But, the choice is yours. Just know that once you go and are divorced, I hope for your sake you don't end up regretting throwing in the towel so soon.

 

I have mentioned it afew times, i'll say it again. DO counselling. YOu are making HUGE decisions, based on the emotions of what you feel for your OW, not your wife. Big mistake.

 

Yep, sorry to hear he hasn't even tried to work on his marriage

 

I was both a betrayed spouse once and now the other woman. In my marriage all I can recall was knowing SOMETHING was off and trying to seek truth by any means possible. I became a snoop, I smelled clothes, I checked pockets and phone records and never believed a word he said. It was awful...all I ever wanted was the truth. Even when I got Half truth, that something had gone on, I didn't leave. I was willing to forgive and fight for my marriage. It wasn't until confirmation that it never ended and he had carried in for four years and fathered two children did the last straw occur. She may be willing to forgive you as well. Accepting the past is easier than being left for someone else.

 

 

Oh Karma I thought you were firmly done with the MM

 

That's the coward's way!! Not telling her isn't about protecting her, it's all about protecting you.

 

Completely agree!!!

[awkward]

If you choose to remain in your marriage despite being in love with someone else, you absolutely should be honest with your wife.

 

You telling your wife that you had an affair isn't going to hurt her. You having the affair will hurt her.

 

What if your wife doesn't want to be married to someone who doesn't love her, to someone who disrespects their marriage, to someone who betrayed her for over a year and a half? If you aren't honest with her then how can she decide what she wants?

[greengoddess]

It's actually a good thing tigers is exmilitary. Infidelity does not go over well in the military.

[greengoddess]

Well maybe since the other woman had enough courage and backbone to leave maybe she will find the concious to tell his wife about the affair. It sounds like she felt a lot of guilt. One of the few things of emotion we've heard. Myabe her guilt will help her tell. Her little christmas gift if you may.

[KarmasTestDummy]

i still care for her and i dont want to destroy her... she is still very attractive woman and a nice person .. how woulld i get ow out of my mind to fall for wife allover again ?? seems impossible task at the min ... mind is consumed with ow at the min .. i miss her a lot ... i could not be intimate with anyone now at this min ...or anything else we used to do .... i curse my weakness for her now actually

 

With those feelings, it's not even fair to try. Go be single, work out your issues. If you want and miss your wife and kids, those feelings will return.

[IfWishesWereHorses]

Well maybe since the other woman had enough courage and backbone to leave maybe she will find the concious to tell his wife about the affair. It sounds like she felt a lot of guilt. One of the few things of emotion we've heard. Myabe her guilt will help her tell. Her little christmas gift if you may.

 

That would be so sad.

[greengoddess]

That would be so sad.

No it wouldn't. The wife needs to know. She has to know so she can live a life of her choice. What is sad is this guys ow and his wife have been living in limbo for a year and a half while tigers has had two lives. What better way to find out than the ow having about of concious and telling her everything? It's all out in the open and his wife will know exactly what she is dealing with.

[bentnotbroken]

That would be so sad.

 

 

Sad but oh so right for everyone to have all the pieces to the puzzle.

[hopesndreams]

That would be so sad.

 

It will be sad for OP, it will ruin his Christmas.

[greengoddess]

It will be sad for OP, it will ruin his Christmas.

 

 

ahhh yes but it will free two women with the truth.

[Angel1111]

ow did say leaving that if it is for real then it will survive a year or two apart while i sort my stuff out

 

I think that's your answer right there. She wants to be sure that you're certain about leaving your marriage and getting past it. A lot of times when people leave their marriage, there's still a lot of baggage, a lot of things to reconcile. I think she wants you to go through all the motions and complete your business there. If you're in a relationship with her whle you're going through a divorce, then it will affect your relationship with her, it will enrage your wife, or you'll end up hiding her. It'll become very tangled and hurtful. I think I understand now what the OW is thinking. Not saying that I totally agree with it, but I do get it.

 

In a way, she's right - that if it's real, the two of you will come back together under different circumstances. If you have faith in that, in what the two of you had/have, then you'll do what you need to do. I know you already understand that this is a gamble. If nothing else, it might be a big wake-up call for your wife. But can you continue in your marriage with the way you're feeling? Will it ever pass? Despite the desire for an intact family, you do have to ask yourself what you're teaching your children by the dysfunctional relationship that you and your wife have. And don't kid yourself that your children aren't piecing things together. Your relationship with your wife is not real, it's not whole, it's on very thin ice. Either take the leap of faith and see what happens, or stay where you are. Whichever you do, don't ever mention the affair to your wife. If you divorce, it'll just be a piece of information that will forever haunt you through her actions. If you don't divorce her, it'll still be a piece of information that will haunt you. Just keep it to yourself.

 

Btw, as others have said, thank you for your service to our country. I'm so sorry for the sad things that will always be with you.

[spice4life]

I think tiger1970 packed up his toys and went home for the night...lol. I give him a lot of credit for hanging in there. 20 pages of info from all sides is a lot to digest.

[Angel1111]

nice one dude , well done

 

I'm sorry but it's this kind of thing that totally stuns me. This couple doesn't even sleep in the same bed and your bashing him for cheating??? For connecting with another human being in the most natural way? What about his wife? Are all of you saying that she's totally blameless? No desire to work things out, content with making him a roommate instead of a husband? Confident that she's got him exactly where she wants him and that he wouldn't dream of cheating?

 

Women who think like this are completely, totally, 100% delusional.

 

I do understand that there are two sides to every story but based on what tiger is telling us, his wife isn't completely innocent here -- not by a long shot. I wish more people would clue in that when they treat their spouse with this kind of indifference, they're not going to get the results they're hoping for. You cannot mistreat people long-term and expect to keep them around. You cannot control someone and expect to have a loving, trustworthy relationship. It simply cannot be done.

[whichwayisup]

You cannot mistreat people long-term and expect to keep them around. You cannot control someone and expect to have a loving, trustworthy relationship. It simply cannot be done.

 

True. But he didn't have to cheat, he could have divorced her and then pursued the OW. Instead he didn't put his foot down, he didn't tell his wife BEFORE something happened with the OW. I'm sure if he gave his wife a heads up, "Hey honey, I've met someone who makes me feel really good and I'm about to have an affair" would have woken her up and realized how disconnected they were. Keep in mind, we're only hearing one side of this story, k. Was he a loving and attentive husband? Take the kids off her hands, to help out? Did she do everything in the house or did he do his share? From the sounds of it, he's not home alot of the time, due to work out of town so she was on her own alot too. Anyway, I'm just saying blaming his wife for his ways of cheating isn't right. Yes, she is responsible for the problems in the marriage, like he is, but that doesn't justify going out and choosing to cheat.

[bentnotbroken]

I'm sorry but it's this kind of thing that totally stuns me. This couple doesn't even sleep in the same bed and your bashing him for cheating??? For connecting with another human being in the most natural way? What about his wife? Are all of you saying that she's totally blameless? No desire to work things out, content with making him a roommate instead of a husband? Confident that she's got him exactly where she wants him and that he wouldn't dream of cheating?

 

Women who think like this are completely, totally, 100% delusional.

 

I do understand that there are two sides to every story but based on what tiger is telling us, his wife isn't completely innocent here -- not by a long shot. I wish more people would clue in that when they treat their spouse with this kind of indifference, they're not going to get the results they're hoping for. You cannot mistreat people long-term and expect to keep them around. You cannot control someone and expect to have a loving, trustworthy relationship. It simply cannot be done.

 

 

First of all cheating is NOT the answer to marital problems. Yes, he cheated and by his own admission it wasn't right. So are you going to dog him for saying he was wrong? Get a grip. So if he didn't want his wife leave her the "f" alone. Don't cheat. His wife may have contributed to marital breakdown but she isn't on here admitting she lied to him and screwed around is she?

 

Mistreatment or no...if he didn't want his marriage walk his behind out the door and don't let the door knob hit him in the azz on the way out. Who would blame him for leaving a non wife? NO one. We are all responsible for how we respond to adversity in marriage, in our jobs or in life in general. This mentality of blaming somebody else or something else (other than mental defect) is a symptom of a society who never wants to take responsibility for their own screw ups.

[WTFBBQ]

I wish more people would clue in that when they treat their spouse with this kind of indifference, they're not going to get the results they're hoping for. You cannot mistreat people long-term and expect to keep them around.

Indifference equals mistreatment?

[MorningCoffee]

Indifference equals mistreatment?

 

In a marriage? He]] yes it does.