My fiancee left me out of the blue

[Sugarkane]

Your ex reminds me of mine. They never get past the honeymoon stage with someone. They jump from person to person. Or have excuses to leave when things are good?

[D78]

Her timing is again impeccable: dumped me 40 hours after we put my dad in alcohol rehab, and asked for the bike in the middle of funeral arrangements for my grandfather.

 

I'm sorry you lost your grandfather, GP.

[GreenPolicy]

I'm sorry you lost your grandfather, GP.

 

Thanks. Funeral was pretty emotional today. Tomorrow is another emotional challenge. I will get through this...

[D78]

I hope the bike transfer goes well. LS is here for you to rant about your ex or rave about how maturely you handled it

[GreenPolicy]

I hope the bike transfer goes well. LS is here for you to rant about your ex or rave about how maturely you handled it

 

I really hope she comes alone (or only brings along a girlfriend) and her only agenda is getting the bike. I will be polite, courteous and pleasant no matter what.

[GreenPolicy]

She has to feel guilt on some level for hurting me the way she did. I have not relieved that guilt by begging, pleading and groveling to take me back, or by getting hostile and hateful. She has not made this easy for me, and I am not going to make this easy for her by complaining about how she treated me (even though it's justified) or bring up "us" or the "relationship" and try to rehash old stuff.

 

This will be her final memory of me. Who knows what the future holds, maybe someday after she's done some growing up and maturing she will want to try again. I know the chance of that is slim to none, but if not, I at least want to be at peace with myself with how I ended things. I want to leave on a high note and be the bigger person.

 

So after the bike is delivered to the van, I will just say "Take care of yourself, I wish you well, I will always care about you, and thank you for letting me be a part of your life."

[GreenPolicy]

Also, is it considered breaking NC if she contacts me to get her bike back via email, and I limited all communication to only discussing the logistics of making arrangements to return her property?

[Kansas]

... she doesn't believe that she deserves the love that she gets from me, and doesn't believe that she can be as good to me as I am to her.

...

What a cruel cosmic irony that for somebody with such deep-seated fears of abandonment, she did exactly that to the guy who loved her and treated her better than any guy ever did, and would have NEVER abandoned her.

 

From the little that I know about this topic, people who have low self worth have a pattern of sabotaging relationships. If they feel that they are not worthy, they will push the people who are closest to them away, as a way of proving to themselves that they truly are not worthy of love. If she felt unworthy, there is no amount of love that you could of bestowed upon her to make her feel differently ... she has to feel worthy to accept that love.

 

As well, I think she had such deep seated fears of abandonment that she convinced herself that you or anyone for that matter could not truly love her and would leave her eventually. Again, people with abandonment issues, tend to leave relationships first before they are the ones left. It's a way of coping for them.

 

All of this stuff is soooo deep rooted, that there is nothing that you could of done differently. The reality is, every relationship that she is in after this will be doomed to fail until she works on herself. She has such a deep self loathing that she will sabotage any relationship that she is in and sadly and more than likely will attract people into her life who treat her poorly so that she can 'prove', shall we say, the script that she has running through her mind.

[Ajax]

From the little that I know about this topic, people who have low self worth have a pattern of sabotaging relationships. If they feel that they are not worthy, they will push the people who are closest to them away, as a way of proving to themselves that they truly are not worthy of love. If she felt unworthy, there is no amount of love that you could of bestowed upon her to make her feel differently ... she has to feel worthy to accept that love.

 

As well, I think she had such deep seated fears of abandonment that she convinced herself that you or anyone for that matter could not truly love her and would leave her eventually. Again, people with abandonment issues, tend to leave relationships first before they are the ones left. It's a way of coping for them.

 

All of this stuff is soooo deep rooted, that there is nothing that you could of done differently. The reality is, every relationship that she is in after this will be doomed to fail until she works on herself. She has such a deep self loathing that she will sabotage any relationship that she is in and sadly and more than likely will attract people into her life who treat her poorly so that she can 'prove', shall we say, the script that she has running through her mind.

 

This stuff bugs me. The whole unworthiness perspective becomes a self fulfilling prophesy. When someone feels that they don't deserve to be with you, then leave, they no longer deserve to be with you for no other reason than the fact that they ran.

[D78]

Also, is it considered breaking NC if she contacts me to get her bike back via email, and I limited all communication to only discussing the logistics of making arrangements to return her property?

 

I don't think so. But, if you're unsure about it, you could put an asterisk next to your NC days a la Bonds.

[GreenPolicy]

Kansas, I think you are right on the money with this, and that is the most deeply frustrating aspect of all of this, that I can't fix her, that there is nothing I could have said or done differently to convince her that she was the love of my life and I had no intention of ever leaving her. I was determined to build a r/l with her that would last.

 

It is deeply painful to think that she threw away love that was healthy and well-grounded bc of her issues, and she will sadly go back to dating losers and jerks...or if she meets another guy like me, she will likely sabotage it again.

[GreenPolicy]

The bike handoff went about as well as it could. She came alone, she offered condolences about my grandfather, I put the bike in the van. She came around and said "It's good to see you." I said it was good to see you too and we hugged each other. Then I said "I just want to say...take care of yourself, I wish you well, I will always care about you, and thank you for letting me be a part of your life." She said "Aww, thank you." Then I told her goodbye and walked back to my apt. It's time to get on with my life and date others, but I ended things well. Never know what the future may hold, but if that is the last time we ever see or speak to each other again, I am proud that I didn't make all the typical dumpee mistakes and ease whatever guilt she has for dumping me.

[Graceful]

She said "Aww, thank you." Then I told her goodbye and walked back to my apt. It's time to get on with my life and date others, but I ended things well. Never know what the future may hold, but if that is the last time we ever see or speak to each other again, I am proud that I didn't make all the typical dumpee mistakes and ease whatever guilt she has for dumping me.

It does sound like it went well. It may have helped you from the sound of it. Enough time has lapsed, you had not harbored any hope that you would ever get back together, and you got to hold your head up in front of her so she could see you are moving on with your life.

 

Hope you feel good about the way you handled it. You handled it very nicely.

 

Time to regroup. You've had a highly emotionally charged week, and I hope you have some supportive activities planned. Take care.

[GreenPolicy]

It does sound like it went well. It may have helped you from the sound of it. Enough time has lapsed, you had not harbored any hope that you would ever get back together, and you got to hold your head up in front of her so she could see you are moving on with your life.

 

Hope you feel good about the way you handled it. You handled it very nicely.

 

Time to regroup. You've had a highly emotionally charged week, and I hope you have some supportive activities planned. Take care.

 

Graceful, I'll be honest: I feel a little frustrated. I did not want to make any inquiries into her current doings, bc I did not want to risk hurtful information. And I did not want to rehash stuff bc she has made it clear she does not want to discuss things. So that really only left exchanging of pleasantries.

 

I feel that while I am not perfect, I was doing my part to build something with her. And I feel that towards the end we didn't communicate as well as we had the first 10.5 months we were together, but I realize that all r/ls go through phases where people get comfortable a bit, and I can see that part of that lack of communication was her beginning to withdraw. I felt like there was nothing for me to say tonight that I hadn't already said when we were together or in my letter. Even though I think it's mainly on her for the demise of the r/l, I don't feel confident right now in my ability to forge a connection with another human being. Is that normal? I should feel good about my time with her. She was not lying when she said I was the best she ever had. I feel this fear that I will be too guarded and scared in my next r/l. I want to be the same person I was with her with the next person, but I am worried about what kind of lasting effect this may have.

[GreenPolicy]

I think I understand why last night's encounter was frustrating and dissatisfying. This was a person who was at one time the most important person in my life outside of my parents, and I am used to interacting with her and sharing my life with her in a certain way...and I could not inquire about her current doings without risking hearing something that I did not want to hear, and I could not rehash old stuff about the b/u and our r/l without turning her off when she has made it clear she does not want to discuss that anymore than she already has. I am used to interacting with her as a S.O., and our brief interaction last night was not in that pattern. It was the epitome of these breadcrumbs that people on here talk so much about.

[GreenPolicy]

Final Resolution:

 

Until she works out her issues, her relationships are always going to be doomed to fail. She is an emotionally immature person, and those types naturally gravitate towards relationships with guys who don't treat them well and they have to constantly fight for appreciation and love, and they stay in those relationships because they confuse the perseverance of emotional pain with love. So the guys will mistreat and abandon her and prove to her the running dialogue she has in her head about her unworthiness...or she will sabotage good situations like the one she had with me. This is what I see for her future: ending up alone after a string of failed relationships, or she might get married and then divorced, or she might get married and stay in an unhappy situation for the sake of raising children together, or because the financial implications of separating prevent leaving. As much as I am hurting, I will never feel guilt or regret over what I did in this relationship, and the saddest situation ultimately lies with her...because until she realizes her issues and works through them, there is no happily ever after for her, no matter what. She has not demonstrated an ability to pick romantic partners well in her past, and there is no indication she has turned the corner since she sabotaged what she had with me.

 

The ironic thing is that she wants the same things as I do: love, intimacy and commitment. In fact she craves them. That's why she responded so positively to me, because she has rarely if ever gotten that kind of love in her life from male figures that she got from me. But when she gets it, it scares her, doubts and fears begin to fester, and she doesn't know what to do with it. With her fear of abandonment that is so deep-rooted, nothing can convince her otherwise that the men in her life won't eventually leave her. That's why she bailed. It's her way of coping and staying in control. And that's why she was able to leave even though she still had feelings for me: because she honestly believes she can come back if she has a change of heart, and when she starts over with somebody else, she gets to go through the infatuation of falling in love again, and she doesn't have the specter of a heavy commitment hanging over her head. My heart is hurting, but at this point in her life she is not good marriage material. If she hadn't dumped me, one of three things would have happened: she would have called things off between formally getting engaged and the ceremony, we would have gotten divorced, or I would have been in a marriage with a partner who only allows for so much intimacy and connection and I would have felt loneliness and unhappiness. Even though I was totally devoted to her, I might have actually fulfilled her prophecy of being left if I wasn't getting what I wanted from her in the marriage. I think I'm hurting because I am forced to think and feel this way about a person that I had a lot of love for. My heart is crying out for what it has lost, basically having to go cold turkey from losing love. Also, the relationship I had with her was full of love that was well-grounded and stable. We had good natural chemistry and connection, we had similar values and goals in life, it was free of conflict and drama, and up until the end it was unfolding like I thought it should and wanted it to, and I had hopes for what it could be in the future once we were married. What we had is rare, and while I recognize a good thing when I see it, it's mystifying that she could be so willing to trash it. Her issues didn't come into play until I tried to make it real and take the level of commitment to the next level. That's when things fell apart.

 

What I have to realize is that I already got the best of what she can offer another person at this point in her life, and the relationship and marriage would not have been what I thought it was going to be. It hurts and it sucks what I'm going through now, but I have been spared even worse pain in the future. As much pain as I am in right now, I need to always keep in mind that things would not have worked out the way that I wanted them to, and it's better for the relationship to end sooner than later. I cannot go back to what we had, and that is something that the heart will eventually realize. At that point I will be able to love again.

Edited January 20, 2011 by GreenPolicy

[Kansas]

She is an emotionally immature person, and those types naturally gravitate towards relationships with guys who don't treat them well and they have to constantly fight for appreciation and love, and they stay in those relationships because they confuse the perseverance of emotional pain with love. So the guys will mistreat and abandon her and prove to her the running dialogue she has in her head about her unworthiness...or she will sabotage good situations like the one she had with me.

 

What's interesting about this, is that it becomes such an ingrained pattern, that it litterally causes a physical reaction that the person becomes addicted to. They're like a junkie, addicted to the emotional upheaval and they don't know how to function when things are smooth and easy. When they are in a healthy relationship (without the push and pull), they begin to question whether or not they are loved and create situations and scenerios to create the push and pull feeling, thereby, pushing the people closest to them away.

 

... until she realizes her issues and works through them, there is no happily ever after for her, no matter what. She has not demonstrated an ability to pick romantic partners well in her past, and there is no indication she has turned the corner since she sabotaged what she had with me.

 

You're right, until she deals with this, there is no happy ending for her.

Frankly, this isn't something she is going to be able to deal with on her own and will probably require therapy for. She's going to have to recognize her own unhealthy patterns (that's a big step in itself) and then understand what is and isn't healthy for her and then learn to accept healthy people in her life again. And of course, all of this starts with loving herself first, again, not an easy thing to do when you're starting with nothing. She's going to draw a lot of unhealthy people into her life before she moves forward. And if she doesn't work through these issues, she may end up settling with someone who is either physically or emotionally abusive.

 

My heart is hurting, but at this point in her life she is not good marriage material. If she hadn't dumped me, one of three things would have happened: she would have called things off between formally getting engaged and the ceremony, we would have gotten divorced, or I would have been in a marriage with a partner who only allows for so much intimacy and connection and I would have felt loneliness and unhappiness.

 

It's better to feel alone because you really are alone and not becuase someone else makes you feel that way.

 

You did everything you could and acted with integrity right up until the end. You deserve to be with someone who loves you as much as you love them, and who is open to expressing that love to you - without limitations and who can connect on all levels. Everything in life happens for a reason (I hate that saying, but sadly, its so true). The reality is, that going forward you won't draw a relationship such as this one to yourself again, but will more than likely attract a healthy person into your life, as you know what to watch for now.

[Movingthrough]

I have had so many people tell me that I am lucky and I dodged a 'crazy' bullet.

 

If i could get a dollar every time i heard this.

 

Wish i found this thread earlier, i know what you are going through. If it helps any i will say that i highly doubt she was sitting down thinking "im really gonna screw this guy up". Most of the stuff we do is to make ourselves happy, she knew you would want more and really loved her, she couldnt give it right now (even though she felt it off and on) so she left.

 

I was with a girl for about a year, it was a good relationship but some things were boiling over, then i met my ex that im on here for and i got the GIGS i guess a little. So we both basically left our current r/l's for each other because it would make us happy. Well 6 months later she left me the same way i met her.....point is, i never once thought bad about the girl i was with and i never wanted to hurt her. We had some issues, i say someone that i thought was "better" so i left, its what would make me happy. In reality, i really hurt her and i still feel bad about it. Im just saying i wouldnt take it as an anger thing, she couldnt give what you wanted, thats it.

 

I get angry some days and think wow so you broke it off with me and moved on days after hmm. Even her best friends think she is in a rebound but you know what in all honesty, my ex's backround and reputation is catching up with her, im sure yours is or will too. Its hard to see now but one day that **** is going to explode with her and she will know where she went wrong in her r/l's. Its hard for me to believe that sometimes but im like wait a second, my ex's backround involves infidelity in a marriage, bouncing from guy to guy, not caring about the path she leaves, and is even getting hit now on her parenting skills......thats not really a great rep, so in a sense, its hitting her now.

 

Someone told me once that when these things happen, its usually a pathway to the "real" one...

[Graceful]

Graceful, I'll be honest: I feel a little frustrated. I did not want to make any inquiries into her current doings, bc I did not want to risk hurtful information. And I did not want to rehash stuff bc she has made it clear she does not want to discuss things. So that really only left exchanging of pleasantries.

The good aspect of seeing her is that the reality set in that you cannot turn back the clock, you got to see how formal she was with you, and she felt distant. It hurt, but anything that helps the reality set in, is a good thing.

 

Even though I think it's mainly on her for the demise of the r/l, I don't feel confident right now in my ability to forge a connection with another human being. Is that normal? I should feel good about my time with her. She was not lying when she said I was the best she ever had. I feel this fear that I will be too guarded and scared in my next r/l. I want to be the same person I was with her with the next person, but I am worried about what kind of lasting effect this may have.

Yes, it is normal to second guess yourself after a breakup of this magnitude. You look back on two aspects, essentially.

 

One is your behavior. You were consistent and you have made it clear you treated her well, you have no regrets with how you treated her, and you know you could not have done more. So in the future, I don't see how you would be any different, that's all YOU.

 

The second, is her response to your behavior. That is something you could not control and you never will be able to control. You could be the greatest guy in the world, but if someone does not fall deeply in love with you, does that mean there is something wrong with you? NO, it does not. It means you are not right for each other.

 

I feel that if you second guess this any further, you will over analyze beyond being constructive. It does not matter if she is perfect, or flawed, a commitment phobe or anything else. DOES NOT MATTER. If she did not fall deeply in love enough to proceed, that is not your fault. Not your fault. The same way you could meet the greatest woman in the world, perfect in every way, and just not develop feelings for her. Does that mean that's her fault? NO, of course not. Your feelings just never developed.

 

It never sounded like you did anything to cause the breakup with your actions or words. Of course your confidence is down right now, that's perfectly normal. It will return. Your heart is still healing. Please don't be so hard on yourself.

Edited January 21, 2011 by Graceful

[Ajax]

GP: I see myself in your situation more and more. Rather... i see that our exes are alike more and more.

 

In the past months you've faced some of the hardest of times and you've come through. You should be proud of yourself, and I believe that in the end you will find more happiness than you can imagine now.

 

You've reached a fork in the road. You will either give in to the pain and bitterness, developing the same commitment-phobic tendencies that your ex exhibited, or you will learn from this experience and become stronger with even greater capacity for love. Even now, I can see you're headed down the latter path.

 

You handled the passing of your grandfather and the return of your ex (albeit for a favor) with poise and dignity. You gave her the validation that she needed, though didn't deserve. You have fought the good fight and finished the race. You have kept the faith.

 

Waiting is hard and patience is not a virtue many have these days, but I know that when it really matters you will find someone even more special who will give you the love that you deserve and have demonstrated that you're capable of giving. Stay strong GP. You're one of the people who gives me inspiration here.

[GreenPolicy]

T

 

Yes, it is normal to second guess yourself after a breakup of this magnitude. You look back on two aspects, essentially.

 

One is your behavior. You were consistent and you have made it clear you treated her well, you have no regrets with how you treated her, and you know you could not have done more. So in the future, I don't see how you would be any different, that's all YOU.

 

It still hurts, but I know that long term I will be SO at peace with this because I treated her well when we were together, and I handled the aftermath of the breakup with integrity and dignity. And I was talking to my therapist about this today, and I think that my heart may finally be catching up to my head some, and I think it was good to actually see her in person to do the bike transfer, because I got the opportunity to end things on a note of grace and kindness, and let her last memory of me be a good one...instead of leaving things bitter and bad. I've had women tell me "Trust me, as a woman, WE NEVER FORGET men who are good to us, and she won't either."

 

I told my therapist, "You know, if I could have this kind of effect on a broken person, somebody with such deep-seated issues, that they could come closest to overcoming their issues and committing to a future with me, imagine what kind of effect I could have on a woman who is well-adjusted and is mature?"

 

 

 

 

I feel that if you second guess this any further, you will over analyze beyond being constructive.

 

I feel like I have reached a point where there are no more angles to consider and the subject is actually kind of boring at this point. I guess that is progress. To analyze things any further is to just go in circles and continue to spin wheels. It is not necessary anymore and you are right, it will only hold me back. I feel like I understand the basic gist of what happened on a macro level and the rest is just details on a micro level that just don't matter. I think it's natural and actually necessary in the immediate aftermath of a breakup like this to obsess and overanalyze because the mind always resolves and processes things before the heart does, and your heart can't heal until the mind does. The mind always heals first. My mind HAS healed. I bet it will take a couple more months before the heart finally does.

[GreenPolicy]

GP: I see myself in your situation more and more. Rather... i see that our exes are alike more and more.

 

I have so many conflicted feelings for her now. Not that it's going to happen, but hell, if she came back and offered to go through therapy, I would probably want to try things again.

 

In the past months you've faced some of the hardest of times and you've come through. You should be proud of yourself, and I believe that in the end you will find more happiness than you can imagine now.

 

I am finally starting to feel better. I still hurt. Even though I understand this on an intellectual level, this will always be mystifying to me on an emotional level. Sometimes things just pile up and you have to learn to cope. I am proud of myself. Although I'll be honest, I wish I could wave a magic wand and make things the way that they were.

 

 

You handled the passing of your grandfather and the return of your ex (albeit for a favor) with poise and dignity. You gave her the validation that she needed, though didn't deserve. You have fought the good fight and finished the race. You have kept the faith.

 

Thanks for your kind comments. It's funny how the two situations ended up being intertwined, how ironic and impeccable her timing was (dumping me two days after dad went into alcohol rehab, finally reaching out to get her bike during the funeral arrangements). At my grandfather's funeral, when I watched the military dudes present the flag to my grandmother, I got choked up thinking about how they had been married 68 years. They got married at the ages of 22 and 19, in an era where you got married after a relatively short courtship, and you DID NOT get divorced. You made it work. They got to experience committed love, which is what I want.

 

Not that it matters, but I do wonder down the line what she'll think about me. It was her loss, not mine. I wonder if she'll ever look back and realize what she gave up on. Short term, better to be her. She got to end the relationship at a time and place of her choosing. I had to adjust on the fly to something that I did not want. But long-term I think it's better to be me. She has not faced her demons. She has not confronted her problems. She might experience momentary happiness when she goes through the initial infatuation phase with every guy she starts up with again, but I wonder about her ability to be at peace with herself and find lasting happiness if she does not face up to what is inside of her. I do wonder what she will think of me down the line.

[GreenPolicy]

And if she doesn't work through these issues, she may end up settling with someone who is either physically or emotionally abusive.

 

That's part of the sadness. Not just because I lost somebody that I loved and cared about, but because I know she is most likely going to revert to previous patterns and get hurt again. And she could have prevented a lot of hurt to both of us by being willing to stick it out.

 

The reality is, that going forward you won't draw a relationship such as this one to yourself again, but will more than likely attract a healthy person into your life, as you know what to watch for now.

 

That's part of the frustration, because as I told my therapist today, we had similar goals, values and interests, we had good natural chemistry and connection, the love was grounded and stable. Those are all things that we should want. That's a great foundation to build something on. And she threw it away. Our relationship worked so well on so many levels for it to get to where it did and for her to take such unprecedented steps for her. But in the end it had a fatal flaw.

Edited January 21, 2011 by GreenPolicy

[heartshaped]

In the end, she just wasn't ready to face her emotional issues. She's aware of them, but she isn't ready to face them and from the sounds of it she won't be ready to face them any time in the near future.

 

Simply put, I don't think she's lost enough yet to understand the effect that these types of things can have on your life. Even with loosing you, she did it on her terms and I can guarantee you that she's blocking it all out. All the pain, all the thoughts of you, everything so that she can convince herself that she did the right thing.

 

It's really, really sad honestly.

[GreenPolicy]

In the end, she just wasn't ready to face her emotional issues. She's aware of them, but she isn't ready to face them and from the sounds of it she won't be ready to face them any time in the near future.

 

Simply put, I don't think she's lost enough yet to understand the effect that these types of things can have on your life. Even with loosing you, she did it on her terms and I can guarantee you that she's blocking it all out. All the pain, all the thoughts of you, everything so that she can convince herself that she did the right thing.

 

It's really, really sad honestly.

 

So by saying that she's blocking it out, she's just doing anything and everything to avoid having to think about me and the breakup? Do these things come back to haunt them down the line?