My fiancee left me out of the blue

[broken19]

My goodness Geenpolicy! I am sitting here with tears in my eyes feeling your pain as your story sounds so much like mine except mine wanted marriage but has mental or personality issues. I agree with your values and believe if we have found the one we know we want to spend our lives with we don't give up at the first sign of trouble. If that person is really worth it we give it all we can. And to do that for someone you love is a reward itself. But giving up shows how weak one is and it is a pity that in a relationship like this where there are not any other issues like racial tension, parents not getting along with you, medical issues etc we can be so happy together but one of the partners end up being weak.

 

I am so sorry for the pain you are going through. I am trying my best to move on but it hurts so much but I have to do it. It seems like she is very weak like my ex. He is physically, mentally and emotionally very weak. He believed he tried his best so I have to accept that. But I felt that if you fall down a hole you dont stay down you get up and walk on. You fall again you get up and walk on. As you keep on doing this you will eventually learn to avoid the hole. But he is just too weak to pick himself up. We have had counselling and therapy and he has been on pills. He could be helped esp by me as I am a medical person but he does not want to accept help. and therapy only works if the person wants to be helped and actually makes an effort to follow what the therapist says. Also people like them have very low self esteem and self confidence and looks like she does need help regarding her reltionship with her family. I know from so much research and experience and from talking to others that what we go through in childhood affects our mind and relationship.

 

All you can do is what we all are doing. NC and build a life for yourself. The most beautiful thing is that you are not alone so think of all of us there with you when you feel down. We understand and feel your pain. It is only when we go through pain that we find ourselves. I have found out things about myself that I never would have if I had not gone through this. Many people wonder why we feel like this weeks after weeks. Because we lost someone we love and we are grieving. That's what happens when people lose their loved ones to death. You cannot text them, email them, phone them, hold them, hear their voice. It is absolute torture. It hits us harder cos we wanted this relationship..but they are relatively ok i guess as they needed to get away from this relationship. Currently I think about these 29 miners from my country NZ who have lost their lives in a mining disaster and I feel so much pain for them. And I realised that these 29 men never abandoned their family...they had no choice. They loved their family till their last breath. I want to be with someone like that and not with someone who abandons me at the first sign of trouble. A guy who used to look at other couples and say "they cant be as happy as me cos they dont have you" is now living a life with no me in it. I never say those words unless I know I have the strength to keep my word. I will always love him and I hope he changes into a nice person. But that's all there is..hope. This pain might never go away but can be masked. But for the sanity of us all I pray this pain goes away for all of us. Prayers do work. Believe me. They take time but they do work. All the best and take care.

[Am4Real]

Broken and Green,

 

Sometimes your EX partners were at some point “just not that into you anymore”. As separation and break off became apparent to them, they searched for ways to break the news until they eventually found what is/was logical to them and, what they thought palatable to you.

 

Perhaps if they were as plain as the quote in the preceding paragraph you would still wonder “why” and have more questions…so you need not try to figure it out, it will surely drive you crazy. Only these EX partners know exactly what they feel/felt or do not feel/felt.

 

Stay focused on each of yourselves! My thoughts and hopes are with you this morning.

 

Am4real

[GreenPolicy]

When do you get to the point of stop trying to "understand" the breakup? There are several different types of breakups, but mine was of the blindsided variety.

 

I can honestly say that for almost all of our time together she loved me and wanted to marry me. You can't fake loving somebody. I felt love from her. Less than a month before it ended, she reminded me that her parents wanted to meet mine, because she had built me up to her folks as their future son-in-law and they wanted to get to know my parents. It was never a case of me saying "I love you and I want to marry you" and her kinda being like "Uh, yeah sure." She initiated that talk and spoke of the future just as much as I did. She would email suggestions all the time for wedding ideas. We were still making future plans - for instance we were supposed to take a weekend trip two weekends after the breakup occurred. Obviously her desire to stay in the relationship changed. She obviously didn't love me enough to want to stay together.

 

I figure when you get blindsided, either they made a hasty decision that they didn't contemplate for very long, or they kept their thoughts and feelings to themselves and never came to you with problems they had, didn't share their fears and concerns with you, didn't give you an opportunity to fix things from your end if they felt there were aspects of the relationship that were not working. I guess that says a lot about her and the kind of person who blindsides the other. It's a lack of respect and consideration. I don't think she could have contemplated this for months, as it takes too much mental energy to fake loving somebody.

 

My brain tells me that this is not my fault, that these are her issues, that she repeated her relationship history (almost always the dumper and never sticking around for more than a year, balking at making a bigger commitment), that I was the greatest love of her life (her friends told me that I was a special guy and friends and family on both of our sides often remarked that we seemed on a course for marriage), etc. I've talked to so many people about my situation, and some of the advice and counsel I've gotten is contradictory, but a common theme emerges: She has deep-seated emotional and commitment issues and this is something internal in her. I am not an innocent victim in that I made mistakes and did things that hurt the relationship, but I was open, honest and willing to work to save the relationship. And until she can work through some of her emotional issues, she isn't going to be a great partner to have around in the long run. But in my HEART I feel rejected, unloved and unwanted. I feel like my brain has healed and for the most part intellectually processed this experience. But my HEART is what still hurts terribly.

Edited December 5, 2010 by GreenPolicy

[GreenPolicy]

homebrew, do you mind commenting on my specific situation?

[Eddie Edirol]

Most people are blindsided. Many dumpers fake it for months until they cant stand bieng around you anymore. It takes alot of energy but it happens. Your ex might be one of those women who doesnt want to work on a relationship, she just wants everything to work out perfectly, and if it doesnt, she bails. She doesnt let you know about things that turn her off. Bottom line, she didnt want to make it work and keep it going for some reason. Probably because she was completely turned off to you by the time she decided to end it.

 

There was no way you could have saved it. She could have met someone she thought was a better fit, but maybe you were a great bf on paper, but didnt really light her heart up. She did you a favor by leaving you now. Thats all you gotta know. Next time you start a relationship, dont trust so blindly and easily, make sure you recognize when your girl gets turned off and call her out on it if she doesnt say something. be more astute. pay attention. Dont get blindsided again.

[GreenPolicy]

homebrew, I'm not looking for false hope, just some insight into what happened.

 

I keep giving myself a complex about stuff. Was I too clingy? Was I too needy? I was who I was in the relationship, and right up until the end, the feedback was "I love your loving style, you're perfect (obviously heady statements made while falling in love), I love you and want to get married." So I kept doing what I had always done in the relationship and kept getting the same wonderful feedback.

 

I remember about a month before we broke up, we're sitting on my couch, and I think I told her I loved her, or some other compliment, nothing out of the ordinary, I didn't flood her with compliments or affection nonstop, and she kind of looked at me and said "My loving style is a little different, I don't give out compliments and affection like that, I hope that you're okay with that. I can't love you like that." Which is not entirely true, she would usually write me flowing emails with I LOVE YOU in all caps followed by 18 exclamation points, etc.

 

You beat yourself up with dumpee guilt and then you think "Wait a minute! We got to the looking at rings and introducing our parents stage because of how I was in the relationship. There's a reason she sat her parents down and told them I was The One. There's a reason I became the first guy she introduced to her biological father." She never communicated strongly to me any dissatisfaction. In your opinion, homebrew, how do I stop beating myself up?

 

 

If the reason she dumped me was something I couldn't do anything about, then that's okay. But if it was something I could do something about, do I really want a woman who couldn't communicate it, or who wasn't willing to give me the chance to correct it?

[GreenPolicy]

Most people are blindsided. Many dumpers fake it for months until they cant stand bieng around you anymore. It takes alot of energy but it happens. Your ex might be one of those women who doesnt want to work on a relationship, she just wants everything to work out perfectly, and if it doesnt, she bails. She doesnt let you know about things that turn her off. Bottom line, she didnt want to make it work and keep it going for some reason. Probably because she was completely turned off to you by the time she decided to end it.

 

There was no way you could have saved it. She could have met someone she thought was a better fit, but maybe you were a great bf on paper, but didnt really light her heart up. She did you a favor by leaving you now. Thats all you gotta know. Next time you start a relationship, dont trust so blindly and easily, make sure you recognize when your girl gets turned off and call her out on it if she doesnt say something. be more astute. pay attention. Dont get blindsided again.

 

I was blindsided. Looking back, it was only a month before it happened that any clues came to the surface.

[Eddie Edirol]

 

If the reason she dumped me was something I couldn't do anything about, then that's okay. But if it was something I could do something about, do I really want a woman who couldn't communicate it, or who wasn't willing to give me the chance to correct it?

 

You will eventually stop beating yourself up, it takes time to see things clearer. Dont worry about it now, keep your mind off her with other things.

 

You DONT really want a woman who couldnt communicate it, or worse, you dont want a woman who wouldnt communicate it with YOU. If she wasnt giving you the chance to correct it, it meant that even if you corrected the mistakes, it wouldnt make a difference to her. She wasnt in it, and she moved on.

 

Put it this way...what if she said this to you: "I just realized that I thought that you were everything that I wanted in a husband, but I was in denial for the last couple of years. I realized that I thought I could make you into what I wanted or I would eventually fall in love with you by doing all the loving things, but it didnt work. There are many of things about you that are no longer charming to me, I am permanently turned off by you, and theres nothing you can do to re-ignite a flame that was never really there."

 

If she said this (which they never do) would you be able to have better closure? Because this sounds like what this situation could be, that she couldnt communicate- or even worse, wouldnt communicate.

[GreenPolicy]

You will eventually stop beating yourself up, it takes time to see things clearer. Dont worry about it now, keep your mind off her with other things.

 

You DONT really want a woman who couldnt communicate it, or worse, you dont want a woman who wouldnt communicate it with YOU. If she wasnt giving you the chance to correct it, it meant that even if you corrected the mistakes, it wouldnt make a difference to her. She wasnt in it, and she moved on.

 

Put it this way...what if she said this to you: "I just realized that I thought that you were everything that I wanted in a husband, but I was in denial for the last couple of years. I realized that I thought I could make you into what I wanted or I would eventually fall in love with you by doing all the loving things, but it didnt work. There are many of things about you that are no longer charming to me, I am permanently turned off by you, and theres nothing you can do to re-ignite a flame that was never really there."

 

If she said this (which they never do) would you be able to have better closure? Because this sounds like what this situation could be, that she couldnt communicate- or even worse, wouldnt communicate.

 

Well, it' s hard because actions speak louder than words of course. You can say I love you, but it means nothing when it's not backed up by deeds and actions. I should have realized that a red flag is raised when she says she has almost always been the dumper in her previous relationships, she describes all of her former bfs as "losers" (surely some of them were, but all of them?), she had only two that went as long as a year, and most she said she dumped when they got on her nerves and she couldn't deal with them anymore after only a few months.

 

I guess the gestures that stood out for me was sitting her parents down to tell them I was The One and I was different from all her other bfs. I know this happened because her parents wanted to meet mine. And she introduced me to her biological father after having nothing to do with him for years because she wanted him to meet her purported future husband. When I tell my story to people, the feedback that comes back is she's damaged goods and I'm better off without her, and I went as far with her as any guy could at this point in her life. And anybody who would blindside you in such an inconsiderate way, be glad they're no longer in your life (this is my brain and not heart speaking).

[whammy]

if your one of my buddies. Id give you tough love. Personally, i think you should have got up and walked the minute that she said she wanted to break up and not looking. You need to see reality. as long as you look at behavior and facts with a clear mind you will NEVER be confused by a woman. think about it...read your first post....she loves you so much and your such a great guy and better than anyone she has ever met and her parents love you and your just perfect...but she cant be with you?

 

that doesnt make sense...just let it go and try to go out and meet a bunch of women

[Graceful]

I don't want to hurt you and say anything to upset you, but your ex sounds like she is a narcissistic person and the reason she broke off with you is that her false feelings for you caught up with her. She found in you, an adoring man, someone who showered her with love, affection and attention, and that made you irresistible to her. I am sorry to say this, but from what I have seen on many boards and from what I have read, the way she broke up with you, what she said, is all classic behavior in the narcissistic realm. I don't think she has any clue what love is, I don't think she has any feelings at all. It's all play acting. This is why she has never had a long term r/l, this is why she pushes men away, this is why she will never be able to commit. She has no real feelings.

 

I am telling you this b/c I hope it will help you to let go over time, more easily.

 

About a month ago she texts me at 9 in the morning on a Saturday asking to come over. First thing she says is she doesn't feel like she can love me the way I want to be loved or need to be loved. I tell her that I've never felt neglected by her or that I wasn't getting from her what I need or want. She says that when I give her compliments, she doesn't feel like that person on the inside. I tell her that I know she's not perfect and I'm not trying to put her on a pedestal, but the things I said are true and she's perfect for me. She says that she can't be in a relationship right now, she has to be single, she has to be alone.

This is why I feel she is living what I'd call almost a duplicitous life, not that it's her fault, but she is not what she seems or appears to be. I honestly feel she was telling you she is am empty shell on the inside. This is why she can't have any relationships, all she does is go with men who shower her with attention, hoping it will change how she feels, but it never does. She does not know how to feel, she does not know how to love.

 

She I asked her if she still loves me and she says she does, that I'm everything she ever wanted in a man, but she can't be in a relationship right now.

She does not want you to know or find out that she is empty on the inside. This is what is wrong with her. She's not a commitment phobic person. She just can't feel anything for someone else and she knows she cannot make a pretense of a long-term r/l. She had to bail because she let things go too far with you. She really wanted it to work, I really think she did, but she knew if she proceeded with you, the gig would be up and you'd find out that you were with someone who really did not love you the way you deserve to be loved.

 

Other than the flowers and the letter, I have not called, texted, emailed, im'd her, shown up on her doorstep, etc. I have not begged and pleaded with her to take me back. I am guessing that she had deep-seated emotional issues relating to trust and commitment that were previously undiscovered by me. Her biological father abandoned her mom when she was pregnant and did not help raise her. Her mother has been married three times. Her older sister told her that she married for security and not love.

I hope this is still the case. Her issues are due in part from what is obvious from her family of origin, but what her actual problem seems to be that she is blocked emotionally, she cannot love, she does not know how, she tried to love you, she made all the outward gestures, she said the words, but she just didn't feel anything. It wasn't that she can't commit, she cannot feel. She is to be pitied. But you dodged a bullet. She would need a lot of help and intervention to change and I'm not even sure she will ever be able to change. Your heart is broken, but I assure you, you dodged a bullet.

Take care.

[GreenPolicy]

I don't want to hurt you and say anything to upset you, but your ex sounds like she is a narcissistic person and the reason she broke off with you is that her false feelings for you caught up with her. She found in you, an adoring man, someone who showered her with love, affection and attention, and that made you irresistible to her. I am sorry to say this, but from what I have seen on many boards and from what I have read, the way she broke up with you, what she said, is all classic behavior in the narcissistic realm. I don't think she has any clue what love is, I don't think she has any feelings at all. It's all play acting. This is why she has never had a long term r/l, this is why she pushes men away, this is why she will never be able to commit. She has no real feelings.

 

Well, it's all moot anyways, because she's not coming back. I accept that, as hard as it is. But as far as love goes, I think she did. When somebody loves you, you can feel it. I think she has major daddy issues and the reason she bailed is because she has no experience with a mature, healthy relationship. There was a lot about our relationship that worked for it to get as far as it did.

 

 

This is why I feel she is living what I'd call almost a duplicitous life, not that it's her fault, but she is not what she seems or appears to be. I honestly feel she was telling you she is am empty shell on the inside. This is why she can't have any relationships, all she does is go with men who shower her with attention, hoping it will change how she feels, but it never does. She does not know how to feel, she does not know how to love.

 

Her previous history is with guys who treated her like crap. I didn't fit that mold. I think what she was telling me is that she doesn't have a healthy self-image and she doesn't think she deserves the love I give her. Our relationship was different from her previous ones in a few respects - she sat her parents down to tell them I was The One. She introduced me to her biological father after having no contact with him for years, because she wanted him to know her purported future husband. I know I had an effect on her that no guy ever had. Again, all moot, as only she knows exactly what's inside her head. But I do think that she did love me. But she doesn't love me as much as I love her, because otherwise we'd still be together. People who aren't healthy and don't love themselves can't love as deeply as healthy people who do love themselves.

 

I think at this point in her life, she went as far as she could go. With her history and nature, she doesn't have a positive view of marriage, and the safe play is to not get married. I know this is something that she wanted, because otherwise the gestures she made and initiating a lot of that marriage talk would not have happened...but when I tried to make it real, that's when her issues came to the forefront.

 

 

 

I hope this is still the case. Her issues are due in part from what is obvious from her family of origin, but what her actual problem seems to be that she is blocked emotionally, she cannot love, she does not know how, she tried to love you, she made all the outward gestures, she said the words, but she just didn't feel anything. It wasn't that she can't commit, she cannot feel. She is to be pitied. But you dodged a bullet. She would need a lot of help and intervention to change and I'm not even sure she will ever be able to change. Your heart is broken, but I assure you, you dodged a bullet.

Take care.

 

I have maintained strict NC. And I know that until she gets help for her issues, she is no good to me in a ltr. But I do know she had feelings for me. She's not a robot. We can debate till the cows come home what's inside her head, but the end result is the same. She is gone, and 99.9% chance that she's gone for good.

[mikeey]

I don't want to plant any thoughts re: infidelity in your mind.....BUT I'll share a similar story. Basically, a girl was cheating on me....I had no idea. Geez, call me jaded but I believe that all women have something lined up before they leave...(hope I didn't offend anyone with that!) anyways...a week before she left, she was asking me similar questions, i.e. where are we going to live once we get married etc. What I'm trying to say is, I'm not sure what the "classic" signs of infidelity are but I would say that when the other party lays it on thick as compared with their normal behavior, it's a sign that something not so nice is going on. Just my thoughts.

[GreenPolicy]

I don't want to plant any thoughts re: infidelity in your mind.....BUT I'll share a similar story. Basically, a girl was cheating on me....I had no idea. Geez, call me jaded but I believe that all women have something lined up before they leave...(hope I didn't offend anyone with that!) anyways...a week before she left, she was asking me similar questions, i.e. where are we going to live once we get married etc. What I'm trying to say is, I'm not sure what the "classic" signs of infidelity are but I would say that when the other party lays it on thick as compared with their normal behavior, it's a sign that something not so nice is going on. Just my thoughts.

 

She wasn't laying it on thick. One thing I've realized since I first posted this thread is that she had started to detach about a month beforehand. I could give examples, but for instance, when I first mentioned my idea to get a second job to pay for a ring, she scrunched up her face and sighed. After being enthusiastic about marriage talk for most of the rel'ship, she wasn't as much. I should have picked up on that more. She didn't delete me off fb after the b/u, she didn't delete my parents. I had to beg my parents to finally do it about six weeks after the b/u. She wasn't acting like somebody with something to hide.

 

I don't know that all women line up the replacement first. Maybe some do, I don't know.

Edited December 22, 2010 by GreenPolicy

[mikeey]

I don't know...and I don't want to generalize. But, based upon my own experience, I've been dumped 3 times and all 3 times the girl had someone else in her life by the time the break up was official. Just food for thought.

[GreenPolicy]

I don't know...and I don't want to generalize. But, based upon my own experience, I've been dumped 3 times and all 3 times the girl had someone else in her life by the time the break up was official. Just food for thought.

 

Some women can't stand to be alone and will always line up a replacement. That's their insecurities and has nothing to do with the soon to be ex. I'll never know for sure. Looking back I can see that she was emotionally still involved in our relationship until about 4-6 weeks before the actual breakup. It took her about that amount of time to wrestle with her decision and finally pull the trigger. He previous relationship history is to almost always be the dumper and to never stay with a guy longer than a year. Well I got dumped two weeks shy of our first anniversary.

 

I would assume that if there was a replacement lined up, she would have closed off the digital pipeline and not kept me, my best friend and my parents around on her fb. She's probably in a rebound situation by now, because emotionally she left me 4-6 weeks before the actual physical separation, but just because they date again so soon doesn't mean they lined up a replacement. Men are approachers and she's back on the market.

Edited December 22, 2010 by GreenPolicy

[i made a mess]

Some women can't stand to be alone and will always line up a replacement. That's their insecurities and has nothing to do with the soon to be ex. I'll never know for sure. Looking back I can see that she was emotionally still involved in our relationship until about 4-6 weeks before the actual breakup. It took her about that amount of time to wrestle with her decision and finally pull the trigger. He previous relationship history is to almost always be the dumper and to never stay with a guy longer than a year. Well I got dumped two weeks shy of our first anniversary.

 

I would assume that if there was a replacement lined up, she would have closed off the digital pipeline and not kept me, my best friend and my parents around on her fb. She's probably in a rebound situation by now, because emotionally she left me 4-6 weeks before the actual physical separation, but just because they date again so soon doesn't mean they lined up a replacement. Men are approachers and she's back on the market.

 

There may or may not be a replacement. I know I, being the dumper in this situation don't have anyone as a backup, no rebounds, and sure as heck don't want to meet anyone. The thought of seeing, touching, even contemplating a date with anyone makes me so sad. But I think this is where the difference between your ex and I lays. I met this man, who to me is really worth getting help for. What I do want is to work out my issues. I want to be a person who feels that they are worthy of the love they are receiving. From what you say and how you describe, it doesn't sound like your ex is in that place - and that's really most unfortunate, because my heart breaks for you knowing that you must be feeling how my ex felt. I'm sending a big hug your way because I'm sure it's so ridiculously hard for you right now, especially with the holidays.

 

Though I continuously reeled him in and pushed him away, he ultimately made the decision to make himself completely unavailable to me. Now, I'm not saying what I did throughout the course of a year to him was acceptable at all. You've seen from previous posts that I don't feel that way, but he literally on 11/14 - called and invited me over. He kept going on and on about how tired he was and that he was going to invite me over but didn't want to fall asleep. I was getting a cold...in his best interest knowing that he's a police officer, lack of sleep/odd hours equals weakened immune system, I said lets get together when you're not tired and I'm not sick. I didn't mean it as a brush off, but I understand now that he took that as rejection. 11/16 - i text him. invite him over to have dinner and a movie night (same as he offered that Sunday). Said he was busy doing laundry...3 days later. Number changed. Not a word since. No conversation stating "I don't want to talk to you anymore"...no "I don't want to do this anymore". Nothing. Cold Turkey. And it kills me to not talk to him. I have about 6 voicemails from him saved on my iPhone and I listen to them on an almost daily basis. Healthy? No. Comforting right now when my heart is breaking knowing I caused this?...yes. As much as he didn't understand...I don't understand why such an extreme measure, to go as far as changing your number. Hell I drove to his house and was going to call him from the gate to see if we could talk, but he didn't update his number with the leasing office at his condo so there is no way to even do that. We never emailed, so I don't have his email.I have no contact information for his friends (not that I'd go there) Other than sending snail mail...I have no way to reach him. Talk about being blind sided.

 

I know I keep saying it but put your best foot forward and keep moving forward. If your ex comes back around and really shows that she wants to change and is ready to put in the hardwork, then at that time, you can reevaluate your feelings and where you stand. At that point, you may now want her. She may not be the same girl that you fell in love with. As 2 people are dating, they grow together. But when seperated and growth occurs - you may be left wondering who the other person is. That's been my past experience.

 

Its hard for me to offer advice when I'm not the dumpee but hopefully it's helping to offer a different perspective. I really hope the best for you, whether down the road things circle back around with your ex or you find a woman who just absolutely is ready to jump feet first into the unknown with you. You will find happiness with someone who is ready to accept all you have to offer. Hang in there through the holidays.

[GreenPolicy]

But I think this is where the difference between your ex and I lays. I met this man, who to me is really worth getting help for. What I do want is to work out my issues. I want to be a person who feels that they are worthy of the love they are receiving. From what you say and how you describe, it doesn't sound like your ex is in that place - and that's really most unfortunate, because my heart breaks for you knowing that you must be feeling how my ex felt. I'm sending a big hug your way because I'm sure it's so ridiculously hard for you right now, especially with the holidays.

 

 

Yeah, you basically mean that she doesn't want to get help for her issues. I don't think she's really even aware that she has them - she just felt like she couldn't continue on.

[Graceful]

I think at this point in her life, she went as far as she could go. With her history and nature, she doesn't have a positive view of marriage, and the safe play is to not get married.

 

I have maintained strict NC. And I know that until she gets help for her issues, she is no good to me in a ltr. But I do know she had feelings for me. She's not a robot. We can debate till the cows come home what's inside her head, but the end result is the same. She is gone, and 99.9% chance that she's gone for good.

Sorry, I seem to have hit a raw nerve. You basically agreed with what I said, but changed the text b/c you know her, and of course, I do not. I never said she was a robot, but you have certainly made her sound like one, b/c she responds to all men ultimately the same way, even you, like she is pre-programmed to press the reject button based on her family of origin issues. All relationships have an expiration date. All relationships end the same way. You just did not want to think it would happen to you, too. Sorry, but what you are partly angry about is that you ended up just like all of the "losers" and got sent down the same chute in the end. No respect, no consideration, no special treatment, nothing. Unilateral decision on her part, non-negotiable, signed, sealed and delivered.

 

You sound very, very angry underneath the veneer of reason you project and that is understandable, but if what's wrong with her is all "moot" I don't know why you are on this website. And I did not come here for a debate. On a forum such as this, the great thing is to get different points of view. That is all they are, points of view. I am sure she had feelings for you, but you have said in this thread, you have wondered how much of your r/l was actually a lie. You said that, not me. I was only confirming your suspicion that it was, in part, a lie. It's not a moot point to acknowledge that, it would help your ability to let go, actually.

 

IMHO, you should be spending some time on the anger you are feeling so it dissipates. I know you are hurting, but I don't see much evidence that you think you have any issues, and maybe you need to search your soul so you will be with someone who is more transparent with you in the future. I wish you well, and that you find the love you deserve; wishing you many blessings for the new year.

[GreenPolicy]

You sound very, very angry underneath the veneer of reason you project and that is understandable, but if what's wrong with her is all "moot" I don't know why you are on this website. And I did not come here for a debate. On a forum such as this, the great thing is to get different points of view. That is all they are, points of view. I am sure she had feelings for you, but you have said in this thread, you have wondered how much of your r/l was actually a lie. You said that, not me. I was only confirming your suspicion that it was, in part, a lie. It's not a moot point to acknowledge that, it would help your ability to let go, actually.

 

Yes I am angry. She is not quite the person that I thought she was. I am trying to understand what happened as best as I can, learn what I did to contribute to the demise of the relationship, and make better choices for potential partners in the future. I agree that if she loved me as much as I love her, and her feelings were in the same realm as mine, then we would still be together. I just don't understand this concept of her being so emotionally blocked and empty on the inside that she cannot develop any genuine feelings of love for another person. I think she did ove me. But of course, people have different definitions of love. You have to look at actions and not words, and at the end of the day, she left me despite saying she still loved me. I guess what I thought was different and why it wouldn't happen to me is the gestures she made with her parents and biological father, something she'd never done with any guy before. And the way her friends and family responded to me that know her best, i.e. "She seems so much happier with you," etc.

 

IMHO, you should be spending some time on the anger you are feeling so it dissipates. I know you are hurting, but I don't see much evidence that you think you have any issues, and maybe you need to search your soul so you will be with someone who is more transparent with you in the future. I wish you well, and that you find the love you deserve; wishing you many blessings for the new year

 

We all have issues, and I am not an exception. I am not an innocent victim in that I made mistakes that contributed to the demise of the relationship. I am left to wonder how I could overlook certain red flags and didn't think this could happen to me. I should have realized it was a red flag when she told me she couldn't or wouldn't sustain relationships longer than a year before she met me. I have thought about what I could do differently in the relationship, and I know there are certain things I would handle differently.

 

It does hit a raw nerve for you to say that she is incapable of having any real or genuine feelings for me, and that she went through the motions the entire time we were together.

[GreenPolicy]

Also Graceful, I hope I didn't come across as rude or anything. But you are right in one respect: when I woke up that morning, I did not doubt her commitment to me and I trusted completely that she was as devoted to me as I was to her. And by her breaking up with me, I have been confronted with a reality that does not sync up with my inner beliefs. You are absolutely right that some of what I believed to be true about our relationship turned out to be false.

 

I don't doubt for a second that she was sincere at the time that she made those gestures (telling her parents I'm The One, having me meet real dad, etc). I never saw her as having emotional issues and I've never fancied myself as a Captain Save a Ho type. And there obviously is definitely a reason she cannot sustain l/t rel'ships and never has.

[Graceful]

Also Graceful, I hope I didn't come across as rude or anything. But you are right in one respect: when I woke up that morning, I did not doubt her commitment to me and I trusted completely that she was as devoted to me as I was to her. And by her breaking up with me, I have been confronted with a reality that does not sync up with my inner beliefs.

First, I did not take offense at anything you said, and did not take what you said personally. I know you are in a lot of pain, and I did try to put a disclaimer on my message b/c I knew that what I was about to say would hurt. Thank you for your sensitivity. We're good.

 

I think you want to preserve as much of the "good" and positive aspects of your r/l with the woman you thought you were going to marry. That's a lot better than coming on here and bashing her. But now the truth is seeping out little by little and I don't blame you for still wanting to defend her in some way, but now that she is out of your life, you don't need to defend her anymore.

 

You are absolutely right that some of what I believed to be true about our relationship turned out to be false.

This seems to be one of the most hurtful parts of a breakup, the wondering when the other person began to detach, how long they felt the way they felt, how long they waited before telling you, the depth of their love in the first place, etc. I know in my breakup, which I almost didn't think I would survive, I kept back tracking, remembering the things he said that he could not possibly have meant (my ex cheated and lied like a real pro, an academy award winning performance that he kept up for over a year) and thinking back on all the little clues that I never saw b/c I trusted him and it never occurred to me he was cheating. For you, it is the same thing. Why would it occur to you that the woman you were planning to get engaged to, who willingly and happily responded to the plans you were making, would bail on you?

 

I don't doubt for a second that she was sincere at the time that she made those gestures (telling her parents I'm The One, having me meet real dad, etc). I never saw her as having emotional issues and I've never fancied myself as a Captain Save a Ho type. And there obviously is definitely a reason she cannot sustain l/t rel'ships and never has.

I think she was sincere, too. But I think that she thought if she said the words (I love you) and went through the motions, her feelings would develop the way she wanted them to, and they never did. I think she was putting the cart before the horse, so to speak. She wanted to feel deeply for you, but she couldn't. And I believe it is not b/c of being commitment phobic, I mean she is truly emotionally blocked and does not have any clue how you or other people really feel. This is why she made her decision unilateral. This is why she seemed to walk away without looking back. This is why she said she cannot love you the way you deserve, and it is why she told you she does not believe what you tell her on the inside. She tried to make herself love you properly from the outside in, rather than from the inside out, which is the normal way for love to progress.

 

Additionally, I get the impression that she might just feel "this is the way I am, and that's that" which is why she may never seek out help. So no matter who she is with, she will bring the same pattern. This is why it is easy for her to go with loser guys, b/c she can justify leaving them, she can justify that they get on her nerves, b/c they are losers. It's easy for her to be with them b/c she knows she can ditch them and not feel badly. With you, it was probably the first time she got scared she was going to hurt another human being. She is not going to want to do that again very soon, I assure you. You probably were the best thing that ever happened to her, but you blew the top off of her cover, do you see that? Just by being the person you are, you probably made her feel like an emotional failure, which is not your fault at all, but do you see what I mean? A total mis-match, a total disaster emotionally. You're willing to put effort into a relationship, and she does not even see the point. I hope this makes it more clear what I meant when I said she did not really love you, b/c she is not capable of love. She's just wired in a way that is hard for you to understand b/c you loved her the normal way, and all she could do was give you her version of love. I may go back to your previous message b/c there was something there I wanted to address as well. Hope that's ok.

[GreenPolicy]

Graceful, you have an interesting take on the situation. My heart has a ways to go to catch up to my brain, because my brain tells me that she has issues that prevent us from having a successful ltr, and until she successfully overcomes that, a relationship with her is not possible. My brain tells me that she is damaged goods in a way, and I've had more than one person tell me that I do not realize it emotionally right now, but I am extremely lucky she pulled this before the ring, the ceremony, the mortgage and the two kids. But all my heart thinks about is the good times we had together, how so much of our relationship worked to get to the point that it did that we were seriously discussing marriage.

 

You may very well be right, but I have also thought that she may have daddy issues due to her upbringing (real dad abandoning mom and telling her to abort, stepdad and mom creating chaotic and dysfunctional home life), as well as not having a positive overall view of marriage due to her mom's three marriages, her older sister marrying for security and not love, and one of her best friends being 30 years old and already being a three-time divorcee.

 

Basically, I think what it comes down to is that for somebody with her daddy issues, what made me stand out is that I gave her love that she has never really gotten from absent father figures and the other abusers/jerks that she has dated in the past, and so of course in the beginning it felt so good and so new that she ate it up! That's why she did all those gestures that she'd never done with other guys before (having me meet her real dad, telling her parents I'm The One, wanting to arrange a dinner between both sets of parents).

 

The problem is that she has a distorted view of herself, and considers herself unlovable, and therefore for me to love and accept her as she is means that something is either wrong with her, or something is wrong with me. That's what she meant when she broke up and said something didn't feel right, because she is used to guys abandoning her, and even though I am this great guy who treats her right, she fears that it will happen again even with me. It seems too good to be true, therefore in her mind it probably is. It doesn't ring true emotionally to her. And that's what she was expressing when a month before the breakup she asked what made me so different and that she had heard it before about guys loving her and wanting to marry her. She was expressing fear of abandonment, even though by my actions she should never have had any reason to doubt my commitment to her.

 

And because she has such a poor self-image, she doesn't believe that she deserves the love that she gets from me, and doesn't believe that she can be as good to me as I am to her. She doesn't love herself, so how can she love me the way she thinks a great guy like I deserves to be loved? In her mind, she's not as good as me, so I'm being shortchanged by being with her. In her mind, I deserve better than poor old unlovable Christen, and she is doing both of us a favor by going away. Also, we talked about marriage for so long, but when I started trying to make it real, it brings those doubts and fears to the surface. She also has no experience with a healthy, mature relationship, and being in this kind of unchartered territory for somebody with a history of short-term relationships with abusers and jerks scares her. For a commitment-phobe with abandonment issues and a lack of self-esteem, "taking the next step" is a suffocating gesture. She's afraid of letting somebody get too close, not only because she wants to avoid being hurt, but because she's afraid of what that person will find once she does open up.

 

What a cruel cosmic irony that for somebody with such deep-seated fears of abandonment, she did exactly that to the guy who loved her and treated her better than any guy ever did, and would have NEVER abandoned her.

[GreenPolicy]

You're willing to put effort into a relationship, and she does not even see the point.

 

One thing I've learned is that a relationship does not run on love alone. It takes work. After the honeymoon/infatuation stage wears off, you have to consciously work at loving a person. It probably says a lot about her that she cannot get past this point, that she always runs into this problem at the disillusionment/adjusting to reality stage.

[Graceful]

Yes I am angry. She is not quite the person that I thought she was. I am trying to understand what happened as best as I can, learn what I did to contribute to the demise of the relationship, and make better choices for potential partners in the future. I agree that if she loved me as much as I love her, and her feelings were in the same realm as mine, then we would still be together. I just don't understand this concept of her being so emotionally blocked and empty on the inside that she cannot develop any genuine feelings of love for another person.

I think she did ove me. But of course, people have different definitions of love. You have to look at actions and not words, and at the end of the day, she left me despite saying she still loved me.

Just my quick theory on love in a nutshell. Let's just say love is on a scale of 1 to 10. A "1" is "I love you enough to say I love you, but you're just getting on the scale, it's not red hot love by any means" and a "10" is "I love you madly, deeply, cannot live without you, I want to spend my life with you, I want to share my life with you, and will never leave you" you get the idea. I honestly think there are people who will say "I love you" when they are only feeling a 1 or a 2 on the scale, but the person who they are saying it to thinks they are getting a 8 or a 9. Does this make sense? So I do think your ex loved you, but all I am saying is that she was not anywhere near a 9 or a 10 on the scale.

 

We all have issues, and I am not an exception. I am not an innocent victim in that I made mistakes that contributed to the demise of the relationship. I am left to wonder how I could overlook certain red flags and didn't think this could happen to me. I should have realized it was a red flag when she told me she couldn't or wouldn't sustain relationships longer than a year before she met me. I have thought about what I could do differently in the relationship, and I know there are certain things I would handle differently.

Just off hand, and if you feel like it, what were some of your behaviors that you think might have contributed? I am also not clear as to the real dynamic in your r/l. Was she always considerate and nice to you? And you to her? Never argued for the mostpart? Were things really pleasant and enjoyable? Did you have the same interests? etc. Did she do nice things for your birthday or a holiday? Or was it always you playing the role of the giver? And she was more of a taker?

 

I don't know why I am drawing this picture, but I have the impression that she was operating more as an individual, and you were the one operating like you were in a couple.