My wife told me she had an affair - with a friend.

[wheelwright]

As a FBS if someone said this to me I am not sure what I would have said or done to them when I was in the beginning stages of grief. As long as she was married to him it was about him. She may not have been faithful but she wasn't divorced either. He feels a double betrayal...let it go having just found out. He has to work his way out of it. If you can go on for a while pining..why can't he be pissed for a while? Dang:confused:

 

I guess you are right about anger. I am not good with that, so my advice may not take into account normal human emotions here.

 

However, we all know it is good advice not to spend your life feeling angry.

 

I have felt for a long time that the behaviour of other's which we feel as hurt seems to be about us. But we are just collateral damage on the whole. It's about them. Not nice, but helpful in resolving personal feelings of hurt.

 

Even direct hurt is more often about the perpetrator than any hapless victim (although they can be in cahoots, as we know)

 

Unless the R is deliberately or chronically abusive, which I didn't get from the OP.

[artificial]

Okay, the whole "cult thing" adds a new layer to all this. Was this OM associated with it, by any chance?

 

Yes we woke up kind of together. I get a feeling that she felt she missed something. The cult does not support sex before marraige and you can only date if you are marrying the person (or intend to...). We were both inexperienced at that point in our lives. I suppose when we realsed it was all a lot of sh*te maybe part of my wife wanted to explore. We were both virgins on our wedding night and she is the only woman that I have had sex with.

 

It's funny we had briefly talked a couple of weeks ago about the "open" style of marriage, i.e. swingers type of thing. I said I didn't like the idea but was more OK with doing it with a stranger than someone I knew...

 

We talked yesterday further and she indicated it was more of an emotional support she craved and that the sex was just a "payment" for that and she just preferred the cuddles after it. She told me she only ever climaxed once and the other times she faked it.

 

In all our marriaged life I have never seen her so desperate and so determined to give this a chance. Thus far I have been non-commital because I don't think she deserves peace of mind. I have to deal with images of a snakey bast*ard putting his c*ck in my wife and that is one of the most repulsive images ever.

 

She gave me all her passwords etc without asking and said she would go and get STD check. The b*stard phoned her yesterday and she told him that she never wanted to hear from him or for him to visit ever again. She immediately phoned me to tell me.

Edited November 19, 2010 by artificial

[PegNosePete]

t was more of an emotional support she craved and that the sex was just a "payment" for that

BS

 

she just preferred the cuddles after it

BS

 

She told me she only ever climaxed once and the other times she faked it.

BS

Sorry but she is still talking a load of BS. All these phrases are straight out of the cheater's handbook.

She is doing a lot of things right such as the NC and passwords, but these statements are simply not true. She's still in damage control, trying to diminish her actions. Be aware that all of the "right things" she is doing could just be an act, or a temporary measure to get the heat off. Be prepared to blow your marriage up if you see signs that she doesn't mean what she says.

Edited November 19, 2010 by PegNosePete

[Bryanp]

You previously said that your wife would never have unprotected sex but now she is going to get tested for STD's. Did she have unprotected sex? Your wife told you she had sex with him at least 5 times for "payment" because he was nice to her. How can you possibly feel special and proud that she is your wife? I feel so sorry for you.

[Binster]

Have to say she is doing some good stuff here (N/C and passwords).

 

But for me I'd still kick her into touch.

 

Whatever way you go good luck.

[Toodamnpragmatic]

comments start and why.... If ever there is a red flag is when virgins start contemplating and talking about "open marriages"..... Obviously she has an itch that needs to be scratched.....

 

Yep she cheated and with a friend and afterwards brings forward the topic in hoping for your approval.....

 

Not a good sign.

[Darth Vader]

BS

 

 

BS

 

 

BS

Sorry but she is still talking a load of BS. All these phrases are straight out of the cheater's handbook.

She is doing a lot of things right such as the NC and passwords, but these statements are simply not true. She's still in damage control, trying to diminish her actions. Be aware that all of the "right things" she is doing could just be an act, or a temporary measure to get the heat off. Be prepared to blow your marriage up if you see signs that she doesn't mean what she says.

 

 

Translation: The sex was mind blowingly orgasmic! Henceforth, she went back for a total of 5 times that she had sex with him, there's probably been way more sex than she's stated too!

Edited November 21, 2010 by Darth Vader

[artificial]

Well I've probably at this point got all the ugly truth.

 

I got her to write a detailed letter where she outlined where it started how it developed from an emotional affair to one that had sex. She claims it was never about the sex but about how special he made her feel. The Don Juan, would do anything for her. Gifts, outings. He craved her and played on her selfish desire to be needed/longed for which she didn't feel was coming from me.

 

She started to believe less in our love and that perhaps this "friend" was the one for her. Fantasys though don't last forever and he became increasingly obsessive, stalking, threatening to harm himself. Of course an easy thing to do is change your phone number but of course dumb husband aka me might wonder why. So she tried to wind it down with him. She became frightened of him, his anger. He couldn't understand why she wouldn't leave me for him. Angry that he could never be good enough for me.

 

In my mind after most things she says I insert "bullsh*t" at the end. It's hard to believe a word out her mouth. But I am faced with a few things.

 

1) She admitted without me pressurizing her. She could have let it drift into the background. The "friendship" had faded and the other person was not in our life that much.

2) She has given me access to all her accounts and has allowed me to check all her messages, even ones that she hasn't even seen herself.

3) She has bought several books ones designed specifically to help her understand what I am going through.

4) She even agreed to give up our dog (she loves him dearly) since this was given to her by her lover (at the time she told me she had paid half).

5) She has answered any question I have asked her without hestitation despite how difficult it was for her.

6) She has agreed to take STD check

7) She had accepted full responsibility for her actions and is daily apologizing and more than just the "im sorry".

8) SHe has agreed to goto individual counselling and looked into a place for it.

 

I've told her its too soon to make any choices. But she has made it clear that she loves me and wants nothing ever to do with her affair ever again. She wants to do everything she can to prove her love to me.

 

Call me crazy, stupid whatever but I want to forgive her. I don't know how or if I can yet... Not this soon. I'm not that stupid...

 

I do love her.

[Bryanp]

It sounds like she is doing all of the right things and I do wish you luck. I just have one comment to make and that it is extremely unfair to force her to give up the dog. People bond with their pets and visa versa. If she loves the dog it does not mean she loves the OM. I think you should reconsider about the dog. It is not the dog's fault and it is hard on them.

[Snowflower]

In my mind after most things she says I insert "bullsh*t" at the end. It's hard to believe a word out her mouth. But I am faced with a few things.

 

This is normal. You don't have to believe her right now and I don't think that you should.

1) She admitted without me pressurizing her. She could have let it drift into the background. The "friendship" had faded and the other person was not in our life that much.

2) She has given me access to all her accounts and has allowed me to check all her messages, even ones that she hasn't even seen herself.

3) She has bought several books ones designed specifically to help her understand what I am going through.

4) She even agreed to give up our dog (she loves him dearly) since this was given to her by her lover (at the time she told me she had paid half).

5) She has answered any question I have asked her without hestitation despite how difficult it was for her.

6) She has agreed to take STD check

7) She had accepted full responsibility for her actions and is daily apologizing and more than just the "im sorry".

8) SHe has agreed to goto individual counselling and looked into a place for it.

 

I've told her its too soon to make any choices. But she has made it clear that she loves me and wants nothing ever to do with her affair ever again. She wants to do everything she can to prove her love to me.

 

Call me crazy, stupid whatever but I want to forgive her. I don't know how or if I can yet... Not this soon. I'm not that stupid...

 

I do love her.

 

You're not stupid or crazy! Look, you don't have to make a decision right now. You have been hit with a tremendous emotional blow and it's probably best to just adopt a "wait and see approach" with regards to your wife and marriage. Especially so since your WW appears (from what you post here) to be trying to do the right thing now.

 

As long as she is no longer in any type of contact with the OM, and it is comfortable for you to do so, then don't make any type of decision just yet.

 

Follow your heart and your instincts and take your time...especially if you find yourself wanting to forgive her someday.

 

Do what works for YOU. Many people here and IRL will tell you to dump her cheating a**. And maybe that will be the best thing but it is a decision that YOU need to come to. Please don't let anyone, no matter how well meaning they are, push you into a decision that doesn't feel right.

 

People recover differently from these types of betrayals as serious as infidelity. Some divorce immediately and go on to have a better life and another love. Some divorce immediately and remain bitter and distrustful of everyone. Some stay married and live in quiet misery and some stay married and achieve a better sense of self and a renewed relationship with their fWS.

 

You need to come to a decision that in your heart and soul feels like the right one. For some betrayeds this comes very quickly; for others (like me) it took a long time. I know a fBS here who said she had her bags packed for over a year after d-day because she was just that unsure for that long. I reconciled with my husband (because he acted much like your wife after d-day: remorseful and transparent) and then began to doubt my decision for months.

 

You're in for a long haul most likely. Take this time to introspect. You mentioned your wife was going to seek counseling. Are you planning to seek therapy? It might be very helpful.

[Darth Vader]

It sounds like she is doing all of the right things and I do wish you luck. I just have one comment to make and that it is extremely unfair to force her to give up the dog. People bond with their pets and visa versa. If she loves the dog it does not mean she loves the OM. I think you should reconsider about the dog. It is not the dog's fault and it is hard on them.

 

 

I disagree. That dog's gonna be a trigger. It's extremely unfair for him to have to see it to be reminded of her screwing her OM! She should also be forthcoming with what she wore for her other man, and I mean anything and everything, from dresses, skirts, perfume, underwear, including anything that was bought for her by her OM, he may also want to know what she bought for her OM.

[artificial]

I disagree. That dog's gonna be a trigger. It's extremely unfair for him to have to see it to be reminded of her screwing her OM! She should also be forthcoming with what she wore for her other man, and I mean anything and everything, from dresses, skirts, perfume, underwear, including anything that was bought for her by her OM, he may also want to know what she bought for her OM.

 

Concerning the dog he is part of the family. In the same way if my wife had become pregnant with this guys kid and I had raised it as my own I wouldn't just say "Get rid of the kid". Not entirely the same but I have an emotional attachment with the dog. I would never have suggested getting rid of him, she said if it would make it easier for me she would.

 

I got her to bring me all the things that he had bought her over the time they were together. Some nice jewelry. Nothing uber expensive but at least a few hundred dollars of stuff. She told me that she never wore most of it because when he gave it to her she was telling him she didn't want it, effectively it was over but she was weak and caved in. I did see some of these items but always thought that she had bought them herself.

 

Get this for snakey... There was a day that we were all out together, her family was across and we had travelled miles away from where we normally would be. Very rural. It was our anniversary but since we were away it was hard to do anything special... (since her family and her boyfriend were there). So she got upset with me.

 

While I was alone with the b*stard he was asking if everything was OK, if I wanted to talk, was everything OK with my wife.... THEN THE PRICK GOES AND SECRETELY BUYS HER SOME JEWELRY TO MAKE HER FEEL BETTER. So he gets the info that she is upset at me and pretends to be the caring friend and then essentially uses it to benefit himself. So of course my wife thinks this guy is the best thing ever.

 

Yes I'm pissed at my wife but the dishonest and downright disgusting attitude of this ar5ehole shocks me.

 

I intend to ignore his very existence and god help him if he ever tries to call around again. I am not a violent person but with every part of my existence I would inflict pain on him.

[NoLongerSad]

artificial,

 

part of the problem is that, like so many married people who engage in affairs, or affair partners of such people, your wife doesn't sound too intelligent.

 

Stupid people are more easily deceived.

[YellowShark]

While I was alone with the b*stard he was asking if everything was OK, if I wanted to talk, was everything OK with my wife.... THEN THE PRICK GOES AND SECRETELY BUYS HER SOME JEWELRY TO MAKE HER FEEL BETTER. So he gets the info that she is upset at me and pretends to be the caring friend and then essentially uses it to benefit himself. So of course my wife thinks this guy is the best thing ever.

 

Yes I'm pissed at my wife but the dishonest and downright disgusting attitude of this ar5ehole shocks me.

 

Ya. Me too artificial. I hear ya loud and clear. You're not alone at all. My ex-good-friend blew so much smoke up my EX's butt it's staggering.

 

I saw my ex-good-friend daily, helped him with his business, my son cut his lawn, we went out for dinner and drinks often. Camping, holidays, birthday presents, the works.

 

Hell, on the night I caught him and my EX in-the-act on my own deck we had been at a dinner party at his house. That night I acted like a waiter.. helping serve and clear plates, getting people drinks, cooking food on the BBQ - because his wife was pregnant and deserved a break!

 

Meanwhile the whole time he and my EX were carrying on behind my back playing me for the fool.

 

So same here - I'm pissed at my EX, but the dishonest and downright disgusting attitude of this so-called "friend" shocked me too. He's a lying, cheating, narcissist who really must think he's all that. Some "friend" he turned out to be huh?

 

Edited November 23, 2010 by YellowShark

[JAGeezer]

My friend, I read this thread and just shuddered. You remind me of me in the long ago. You're running on some pretty high-octane emotions right now, hate and anger being principal among them. You especially hate the OM, that's fine, but remember, your W cooperated. He may have been a stalker and a grade-A sneak, but he obviously wasn't that bad as she claims he was if she couldn't look him in the eye and say no. She's blame-shifting, big time. She says that she accepts responsibility while painting her AP as the primary cause and instigator of the A. That's a classic WS ploy. Horse hockey.

 

My advice is to take a step back. Ask her to find somewhere else to live for a while until you come to terms with this....oh, and ANY contact at all with the OM is a deal-breaker. If she even raises an eyebrow in his direction, says a single word to him, she's done.

 

Forgiveness is an odd critter. Only you can grant it, but she's the one who has to prove that she's worth it. And she'd best know that it will be years, if ever, before her task is done.

 

One thing to remember. Your old M is dead. Your WW and her AP killed it. And that your new post D-Day M will always be tainted by this. Even if you forgive her, you will never ever be able to forget this. In time you may learn to ignore it, like the pain brought about by the death of a loved one, but the event itself will always be there as a part of your history together. Consider that, please. If you don't think that you have that sort of strength in you, then best to pull the plug now.

 

In the meantime, hang in there. Time wounds all heels.

 

JAG

[artificial]

artificial,

 

part of the problem is that, like so many married people who engage in affairs, or affair partners of such people, your wife doesn't sound too intelligent.

 

Stupid people are more easily deceived.

 

My wife is one of the most intelligent people I know a qualified Engineer by trade. But when you are in a cult with so many rules and regulations and then leave, that support suddenly shatters you begin to ask yourself "What have I missed?" It's not an excuse but when you are raised and conditioned in a certain way and then all those conditions no longer matter you are left in a very vulnerable way.

 

We were both virgins when we married and inexperienced in life.

[artificial]

Last night we had a long chat. I told her things about how I felt etc. Some things that I had imagined based on her actions were completely different in her eyes...

 

For example I would want to show her affection in a public place hug her and imbrace her she would often shrug away. In my mind I thought "She is embarassed by me and doesn't want me to be seen as her husband". On her side she was struggling with beliefs that were engrained in her from being in the cult, that it was not right to show affection in public and there was paranoia over everything (when we were dating and even engaged the cult elders caused us a lot of grief.) This issue pushed us apart and it made me believe something very different from the reality and the same with her.

 

I became worried that if I said something she would leave me. Stupid huh? All she wanted me to do was to actually say soemthing though to open up and share my feelings. It was during that time she made a catelogue of bad choices. She does not blame me for them but realizes the fault lies on her shoulders completely...

 

For some reason I had taken off my shirt (think the dog had haired me up) she started touching me, the first time since the breaking of the news.. it felt good... One thing lead to another and we find ourselves making love... I had explained to her earlier that I have two opposing forces that are battling inside of me... One that still madly deeply cares for her and loves her and the other that is disgusted, repulsed, torn, angry, bitter and disillusioned. But in that moment the former took over... I could not however bring myself to climax in her and withdrew and she finished me off. We lay there naked... She realised and said that she knew this didn't mean I was giving her a chance.

 

I slept in the spare room that night. I had told her earlier that the most important thing she needs to have to prove to me is patience. This is not going to happen over night and while our love making prior to this was exceptional (we both admitted that) there are negative images that flash into my mind...

 

My emotions are in a state of constant flux...

[artificial]

In other news she booked herself in for STD check this Thursday. Didn't need to even hassle her about it.

 

I figured if she has something then since we have been making love for the last 12 months I would have caught it anyway.

 

I don't think she has anything but I think it will imprint on her just how careless she was not only with her health but with the innocent party i.e. me.

 

She wanted me to bring her to the clinic but understood that she had no right to ask me to do anything and this was her responsibility to arrange, execute. I did want to take her but its during the day and very short notice, tried to make arrangements but didn't work out...

[Jonah]

In other news she booked herself in for STD check this Thursday. Didn't need to even hassle her about it.

 

I figured if she has something then since we have been making love for the last 12 months I would have caught it anyway.

 

I don't think she has anything but I think it will imprint on her just how careless she was not only with her health but with the innocent party i.e. me.

 

She wanted me to bring her to the clinic but understood that she had no right to ask me to do anything and this was her responsibility to arrange, execute. I did want to take her but its during the day and very short notice, tried to make arrangements but didn't work out...

 

Actually, if she lives in the USA, she does have the right to ask you to drive her down the road to the clinic. She may not have the right to punch you in the nose, or practice adultery (depending on local ordinance), but what would you say to it? "Honey, though we are in this for the long haul, you have no right to ask me to help you."?

 

If you want love, help her. If its about enjoying having your boot on her neck... well maybe that's the root cause of the whole situation. Innocent party huh - your sure there is such a thing?

[Jonah]

 

For example I would want to show her affection in a public place hug her and imbrace her she would often shrug away. In my mind I thought "She is embarassed by me and doesn't want me to be seen as her husband". On her side she was struggling with beliefs that were engrained in her from being in the cult, that it was not right to show affection in public and there was paranoia over everything (when we were dating and even engaged the cult elders caused us a lot of grief.) This issue pushed us apart and it made me believe something very different from the reality and the same with her.

 

I became worried that if I said something she would leave me. Stupid huh? All she wanted me to do was to actually say soemthing though to open up and share my feelings. It was during that time she made a catelogue of bad choices. She does not blame me for them but realizes the fault lies on her shoulders completely...

 

 

An opportunity now exists for you to make some substantial positive deposits in her emotional bank account. Do not miss this opportunity. Play this right and it will be she that puts the PDA on you!

 

Hurting? Do let your spouse know so, in a telling, not accusing way. The correct response from her would be assurance of love and commitment. But that should be seldom - some of this you are going to have to take on the chin and work it out with your higher power.

 

What you say about being afraid so say things. Join the guy club - its a big one! But you've got to try to talk. If it is loving things, by all means get it out! If it is about the bonus from work, keep that to yourself.

[lkjh]

Jonah you are way out of line and please stop getting your information from the lifetime network. If you destroy your marriage by cheating than that is your fault and your fault only. Yes it takes two people to mess up a marriage but it only takes one person to CHOOSE to cheat.

 

How dare you get on here and lecture this guy after he just found out his wife cheated on him with his friend. People have a right to get emotional and angry.

 

 

oh and once you cheat you do lose all rights to ask for anything especially if you want to stay in the relationship

[Jonah]

Jonah you are way out of line and please stop getting your information from the lifetime network. If you destroy your marriage by cheating than that is your fault and your fault only. Yes it takes two people to mess up a marriage but it only takes one person to CHOOSE to cheat.

 

How dare you get on here and lecture this guy after he just found out his wife cheated on him with his friend. People have a right to get emotional and angry.

 

 

oh and once you cheat you do lose all rights to ask for anything especially if you want to stay in the relationship

 

Lose rights? Maybe in Iran.

[wicar1]

Lose rights? Maybe in Iran.

 

Dude you sound like you ve never been in a serious relationship ??? Duh..

[Untouchable_Fire]

For example I would want to show her affection in a public place hug her and imbrace her she would often shrug away. In my mind I thought "She is embarassed by me and doesn't want me to be seen as her husband". On her side she was struggling with beliefs that were engrained in her from being in the cult, that it was not right to show affection in public and there was paranoia over everything (when we were dating and even engaged the cult elders caused us a lot of grief.) This issue pushed us apart and it made me believe something very different from the reality and the same with her.

 

Your wife wears masks. A different face for each situation.

 

I understand why you blame this OM so much. If it's him taking advantage of your wife then it makes the whole thing easier to swallow.

 

I can't even begin to suggest to you how to handle this, but were I in your shoes... trusting her again would be out of the question. Additionally I would require solid proof that she respected me.

[rowell2024]

Dude you sound like you ve never been in a serious relationship ??? Duh..

 

+1

 

Totally agree. Showing yourself as needy is the worst thing to do.