My wife told me she had an affair - with a friend.

[Fieldsofgold]

Now you have to ask yourself how many times you came home from work and went to sleep in the bed where your wife had been making love to your best friend in the afternoon in your bed and in your sheets. In addition, you have to ask yourself how many times you made love to your wife after she had made love to this guy? How special was that? The symbolism of what your wife continued to do in your home and in your bed cannot be understated.

 

Maybe I missed it, but I think he doesn't know any details for sure. Doesn't know for sure where they did it. Maybe I'm wrong.

 

My xH had multiple affairs, I found out later. Most were women I worked with, or were friends of mine, to varying degrees. The OW he left me for, and married, was my best friend.

 

It never occurred to me until tonight when I read your post, (40 years after the fact,) to even wonder where they made love. I didn't care. It didn't matter to me. He cheated w my best friend. That was all that mattered. I think the significance you are placing on symbolism is bull, and I think all that will do is make this man feel worse.

 

I do think it is a very good sign that she went to him and confessed. I think that is very significant, and a very good thing.

[In Like Flynn]

Has she given you the entire story of thier affair? How many times, where, when etc? Also does this guy have a wife to expose to?

[johan]

Don't confuse her need to be absolved with what she says is her desire to keep the relationship together. I'm guessing the former is a bigger motivator than the latter.

[Binster]

Sorry this has happened to you but given that your only five years in and some of them pretty unhappy and she does this with a friend in your own home and basicly looks on while your cooking for him and being matey with him.

i.e she stands back and not only humiliates you but lets you unknowingly humiliate yourself while he's having a laugh at your expense, I would say cut your losses and split.

It will be tough but so will staying, you're young and you can do better.

It's better to suffer now than maybe a couple of years down the line when you've got kids and mortgage etc.

 

Good luck.

[Mimolicious]

Ouch! My heart aches for you buddy. I mean, betrayal is betrayal but with a friend is def super-sized.

 

I am sorry hone but your W has no scrupples. I think I have to side with the party that suggests for you to BOUNCE!

 

Can you live with yourself looking at her face and wondering what she did with your BF? I know you dont seem to believe so now but life gets better without these kind of people in it. Have faith and be strong, but teach your W a lesson. She has been gaslighting you.

 

Good luck!

[whguy]

First of all, sorry to hear this. I had a similar story - XW came to me out of the blue and admitted affair with friend who had become mutual friend. I did not realize at the time, but in my case I am convinced her admission came to absolve her guilt, not to heal me or the relationship.

 

Anyway - I gave a list of demands that if she had followed through with may have saved things:

 

- No contact whatsoever with OM.

- Set us up with a counselor - you did the deed, you find the fixer

- Pursue me physically (as I was literally disgusted with her and had zero desire)

- Focus on me (she was a workaholic which led to things)

- Full transparency

 

She held her end of the deal for about 2-3 months, and then was back in contact with OM. Effort with all of the others was zero and things spiraled downhill.

 

The point of me telling my story is not to TJ, just to give you a roadmap of what to expect. She will be on her best behavior for the next while, so don't make any rash decisions - wait and see how things play out.

 

In either case, if you start looking out for number one (you're the only one who is doing that at this point so actually do this), you'll be happier in the end no matter how things shake out.

[Mimolicious]

A couple of days before she told me it was obvious by a comment she made she wanted nothing to do with him... While I thought it was strange my wife can hold a grudge and a couple of things happened where he wasn't there for us as a "friend", i.e. my younger brother died a couple of months ago of cancer. (20 years old). Jesus I'm still coming to terms with that... He was my best friend and I don't even have him to talk to.

 

I haven't told anyone because I don't have anyone to tell that I have any confidence in. I was betrayed by a close friend (male) previously, nothing to do with my wife but he stabbed me in the back. This is like deja vu. I remember the guy who banged my wife would say what a bad friend he was, snakey to go behind my back etc... Ironic huh?

 

I got home late today. I just didn't want to see her, she left about 5 messages on answering machine and sent texts longer than some short novels. She left a second letter in my room. I couldn't bring myself to read it though.

 

She desperately wants to make things right but I can't see past this hurt and pain. She should have been honest with me, told me her feelings... Guys sometimes don't see the emotional side of things but its not because we don#t care its because we are wired differently. The saddest part is that over the last 12 months we've fallen more in love with each other than we had ever been before. Then this bomb lands on front doorstep.

 

The bolded- I know this is going to sound a bit wacked out but if you glanced over at the OW/OM forum you can read dozen of stories, where the MP has done such a number on the AP that they lose their own identity. You may know your W when she is in front of you, but Lord knows the person that she is in front of you BF. People do the unimaginable when they are under this spell called "Affair". They get such a rush and thrills that they lose judgment. It happens... I, by no means am defending your POS BF, but only he knows (or maybe not!).

 

I have seen very noble, humble, sincere, realest people betray even their own blood for a piece of a$$.

[reservoirdog1]

She says she loves you, wants to work things out with you, etc. Sounds good. And I will say, it's a small positive (in a sea of negatives) that she came clean apparently of her own volition, without you becoming suspicious or catching her. (Though you don't know this for sure -- perhaps your so-called "friend" threatened to tell you?)

 

Keep this in mind: right now, she has ALL THE INFORMATION. She knows everything about what happened. You -- the wronged party -- only know what she's told you. The only information you have is from the person who betrayed you. And right now, regardless of how believable and honest she may seem to you, you need to accept -- RIGHT NOW -- that she cannot be trusted.

 

They say that trust takes years to build, and seconds to destroy. And they're very right. There's no reason whatsoever why you should immediately start to blindly trust her again, like you did until a few weeks ago. However, she no doubt WANTS you to do so.

 

So, she needs to earn your trust all over again. And she can start doing that by giving you absolute, unconditional, 24/7 access to her email, cell phone, voicemail, internet search history, everything. Including passwords, so that you can check them at your leisure. For as many weeks, months or years as you need. You need to make this an absolute, non-negotiable requirement of any attempt at rebuilding your marriage.

 

How she reacts to this demand will tell you a HELL of a lot about her supposed love and newfound devotion to you, and about how truthful she's now being. If she agrees to the demand willingly, without hesitation, that's good -- it suggests that she is willing to make her life an open book in order to re-earn your trust.

 

If she refuses, or starts bleating about her need for "privacy", then frankly, you should walk -- because that will mean that, despite her protestations, she's still hiding something from you.

 

Good luck mang...

[artificial]

OK an update. Will be quick because I hit my hand off concrete wall yesterday out of sheer rage and its f*cked.

 

We talked for a good bit yesterday. I am preferring to take it bit by bit. Drip feeding the poison.

 

She told me she never had sex with him in our home and it was always when she was in his house. This made me feel somewhat better but then I remember I had slept in that bed while staying in my "friends" house. THe bed he f*cked my wife in.

 

She took full responsibility for her actions and did not blame me at all. She said she felt lonely and desperate and he was there as a "friend" but then he became more of a stalker and would phone her daily and eventually she just gave in. He apparently told her he loved her and to leave me and that he would kill himself if she didn't keep this up. She told me she should have made her feelings clearer to me, she should have been open but she started living in a fantasy. I can't believe I was letting this f*cking crazy stalker into my home...........

 

I argued that a mistake can happen.. Jeez one night stand after a fight or something would be easier to cope with but this was something that happened over a period of time... Something pre-meditated. Not on the spur of the moment. You don't just trip and fall on someones d1ck 5-6 times. (still have to get the exact figure)

 

She tells me she was a very stupid person back then and she has changed and she is willing to do anything.

 

She seems like a broken woman. But I will not allow my caring/sensitive side to console her in any way. I asked her if it was just guilt that made her confess and she told me no. She could have lived forever with the burden of guilt to spare me from what I was going through but she needed to be honest with me because I deserved the option.

 

I asked her what she would do, if I had banged "her best friend, not once, but another time and another time and another time and another time and another time and another time and who knows maybe even another time". Then invited her around multiple times and had my wife cook for her, clean up her mess, drink beer with etc. She said that back then she probably would have left me but now it would be extremely painful and hard.

 

I'm talking to her which is a start but I told her to shut up yesterday and that I wanted to talk. I've never told her to shut up ever before but i know whatever I say and do could never hurt her as much as she has hurt me. If i wasn't such a **** liar I would fabricate an affair that I had just to give her a taste of what its like.

[PegNosePete]

Sounds like you're doing well dude. Stay strong and keep control of the situation. Read reservoirdog1's post several times until it sinks in properly, you need to fully realize that what she says cannot be trusted. You can only go by what she does, and how she reacts to what you say.

 

If you decide you want to work things out (and that is a big IF!) then you need to lay down the law as I and whguy and res dog suggested, and her reaction to these rules should tell you as much as her actual replies. Watch her face, if she really means what she is saying then it will be obvious. If she looks shocked or her expression suggests that she doesn't think they're fair, or she's only going along with it rather than actually meaning it, then be suspicious.

[Bryanp]

Let me get this straight. He was stalking her over a period of time and instead of telling you what was happening she just decided to give in and have unprotected (assuming) sex time and again and putting your health at risk for STD's. Now she has seen the light and she is a new person. How convenient. She is in total damage control. If you believe this then I have a bridge to sell you. I would even if it hurts to contact the guy and see if their stories match. It is a given that you never get the full story the first time around. I wish you luck.

[artificial]

My wife would not have unprotected sex that's for sure. (of course I thought other things were for sure and they weren't). Will check this out.

 

She doesn't have unprotected sex with me unless she is in her low fertility time, she has never used the pill.

 

I trust the f*cker who screwed her even less because from his persective he is going to say as much as he can to try and drive us apart because in his mind he hopes she will turn to him. The f*cker is trying to break us up while smiling, visiting, playing xbox and helping me around the house.

 

It's twisted plain and simple. I mean I cared about this guy as a friend... He had a growth on his testicle and I was there for him, talked to him about it... You know what a friend does... Then he does this.

[goingstrong]

t was happening she just decided to give in and have unprotected (assuming) sex time and again and putting your health at risk for STD's.

 

Dude, some betrayed man does not give a s*** about that...an STD in the last thing from his mind. You guys sound like a broken record. This is about betrayal man....

 

Artificial, I feel for you. Personally, I would rather take the poison in one dose...kinda like doing a shot...grimace and get it over with. Your a bigger man than I.....with no kids and a 5 yr marriage, I don't think I would be willing to put a whole lot into it. I think this is some more truth to drag out of her before you make any decisions...good luck.

[artificial]

My wife says she takes full repsonsibility for her actions. While there was pressure from the b*stard and she knocked him back several times, she didn't take one of these opportunities to say "Hey hubby that friend, you know xxxxx is pressuring me to have sex with him and leave you.. ".

 

She accepts that she was feeling unloved and not cherished and when this guy started "filling the gap" it felt good (that sounds sick both ways you think about it). She should have had the decency to let me know the way she was feeling instead of hoping that I would guess it.

 

I mean from my viewpoint, we were 4 years married. I didn't love her less but I probably wasn't being as affectionate as I could have been. You can get into a routine where things seem good. For me they were good enough but for her she longed for more. We were also part of a cult and were "waking up" to it, so we were both very vulnerable. Innocent and I was naive. The f*cker took advantage of both of us. He has been kind distance in the last months probably waiting for a marital problem to occur so he could slide his way back in. Sick b*stard. He's a young guy, lives a couple of hours away from us in a city. Plenty of girls (single ones) but he chooses to bang my wife.

 

I do think its significant that she told me. While I had doubts I would never have pursued these and their "friendship" was clearly diminishing which I put down to other reasons.

 

She did say she wants to goto counselling and found a place and she has been reading lots of information about couples who had got through similar things and come out stronger. I replied, "couples where the wife bangs her husbands friend 6 times and then has him over for dinner."

[Bryanp]

Wow Artificial. I had no idea that you have only been married 4 years.

 

You both need to be tested for STD's. Any oral, anal or intercourse that she had puts you in danger. I will not go into details but if a woman has engaged in giving a man oral sex that she seriously puts herself at risk for all types of STD's. It is best to be safe than sorry.

 

Maybe only being married 4 years you should ask your wife what the wedding vows she said meant to her? Clearly it had no meaning. You deserve better.

[Bryanp]

One more thing Artificial. If you think there is more to this story you may wish to have her take a polygraph test which some betrayed spouses require. This way you will know how many and where for sure the sex occurred.

[PegNosePete]

Multiple cheating after only 4 years with no kids -> G.T.F.O.

Her wedding vows meant nothing to her.

[artificial]

Yeah well I'm going to find out all the dirty little details at teh weekend. I'm just so wrecked emotionally physically.. had to take something to help me sleep last night along with a copious amount of alcohol.

 

I will get her to goto doc and get STD check. The embarassment of that alone would be worth it. The guy she was with is not who I would consider a "ladies man" and I severely doubt there was any oral sex with/without condom. But of course I will confirm this.

[artificial]

Multiple cheating after only 4 years with no kids -> G.T.F.O.

Her wedding vows meant nothing to her.

 

We got married young. We were part of a stupid cult. We got out of the cult but those months were difficult.

 

No kids but a mortgage in negative equity if that makes a difference

[Fight4Me]

Artificial, I first want to say how sorry I am that you find yourself a member of the club nobody wants to be in. Second, I also want to say that your marriage can not only survive infidelity, but thrive after.... but there's a long road stretched out ahead of you with a lot of hard work that needs to be done.

 

Remember that no matter what advice any of us gives you, you are the one who knows your wife and marriage dynamics the best. You'll get a wide range of opinions about your wife's motives, what you should be thinking, feeling, or doing, and some might even pop in to defend your WW's actions and question what may have driven her to do what she did. Needless to say, it can be confusing as heck, so make sure you find a very good MC who has extensive experience with infidelity. If you belong to a church, you can also seek additional counseling there.

 

With all that said, never question the fact that her decision to have an affair is not in any way, shape, or form, your fault. The state of the marriage prior to her infidelity is a 50/50 thing, but any of those issues can be dealt with later. Right now, her job is to prove to you that she's committed to your healing and willing to take steps to ensure that her boundaries become solid so that BOTH of you know that this will never happen again.

 

I realize some disagree, but I still believe that her coming to you and confessing is a good sign. Most cheaters take their chances after the A ends, no matter how often they are advised that their secret will eventually come out and do more damage. She knew that her confession may very well end the marriage, but she also knows this is the best way to save it... to hear it from her, rather than someone else. It is also the best way to fully eliminate the OM from your lives. I'm not saying you should be ready to forgive or even begin to move on from this, but simply that it's a step that you will possibly look back on as one that was made in the right direction. Time will tell.

 

Right now, your focus needs to be on taking care of yourself, as in making sure you eat and take in water, go to the doctor and get tested for STD's and don't have sex with your WW until she does the same and can show you proof that she's clean. Even condoms aren't a 100% guarantee. As painful as it may be, you need to consider there may also have been oral sex, which means she could easily have contracted something that way. Yes, you can get the genital herpes virus infecting the mouth, and something a lot of people don't know, oral herpes can infect the genital area also. Two different strains, but transmittable to both areas.

 

If you're having trouble sleeping, talk to your doctor about that also. Maybe you should consider, just temporarily, an antidepressant or something to help you through the worst of this. It would be all too easy to end up relying heavily on alcohol or worse, and that only hands you another smelly bag of problems you don't need.

 

Also, along the lines of taking care of yourself, fight the urge to seek revenge, either on your WW or the OM (I won't even bother calling him your friend). Don't allow the injustice done against you to cause you to compromise your own values and integrity through a revenge affair or the maiming of the OM. It's normal to consider both, as all of us BSes can attest to, but it only serves to harm ourselves in the long run. Should the OM show up at your door, however, I'll help you hide the body. Just sayin...

 

Pretty soon, you'll begin to need information from her. Personally, I would first start with the overall big picture or outline, rather than try to piece together and process all the gory details. For instance, have her create a timeline of events and give her, say, a week to complete it. Give her the criteria you want it to include, such as initial flirting, phone calls, texts, and then each personal encounter (whether they included sex or not)... pretty much everything you need to know that gives you an idea of what happened and when. By the way, "I don't know" or "I don't remember" are not acceptable answers. After you get the timeline, it will help you decide what gaps need to be filled in, and what further information you need.

 

She should be willing to, right at this very moment, give you full access to every online account she has, and I would start looking through her emails, Facebook, etc. to see if anything more emotional was exchanged, or if you can get a feel for what she described as stalkerish type behavior. By the way, don't let her get away with piss poor excuses like that. Be sure to check sent and deleted email folders, as well as the Recycling Bin on the computer, not to mention History and temporary files. Then you can go through her phone and the billing records to see how extensively they talked or texted.

 

I've already written a novel, so I'll just wrap this up with one last thought. Don't let anyone try to make you feel weak if you think you'd like to try to reconcile or a jerk if you realize you can't. This is YOUR marriage and YOUR life. Just be sure to give yourself enough time to know that you will have no regrets either way and nothing needs to be decided now. Also, I highly recommend the book, Not Just Friends by Shirley Glass. I guarantee that it will help shed a lot of light on things for you and your WW.

 

I hope you stick around and continue to update us. I also sincerely wish you the best.

[Fight4Me]

We got married young. We were part of a stupid cult. We got out of the cult but those months were difficult.

 

No kids but a mortgage in negative equity if that makes a difference

 

Okay, the whole "cult thing" adds a new layer to all this. Was this OM associated with it, by any chance?

[Darth Vader]

OK an update. Will be quick because I hit my hand off concrete wall yesterday out of sheer rage and its f*cked.

 

We talked for a good bit yesterday. I am preferring to take it bit by bit. Drip feeding the poison.

 

She told me she never had sex with him in our home and it was always when she was in his house. This made me feel somewhat better but then I remember I had slept in that bed while staying in my "friends" house. THe bed he f*cked my wife in.

 

She took full responsibility for her actions and did not blame me at all. She said she felt lonely and desperate and he was there as a "friend" but then he became more of a stalker and would phone her daily and eventually she just gave in. He apparently told her he loved her and to leave me and that he would kill himself if she didn't keep this up. She told me she should have made her feelings clearer to me, she should have been open but she started living in a fantasy. I can't believe I was letting this f*cking crazy stalker into my home...........

 

I argued that a mistake can happen.. Jeez one night stand after a fight or something would be easier to cope with but this was something that happened over a period of time... Something pre-meditated. Not on the spur of the moment. You don't just trip and fall on someones d1ck 5-6 times. (still have to get the exact figure)

 

She tells me she was a very stupid person back then and she has changed and she is willing to do anything.

 

She seems like a broken woman. But I will not allow my caring/sensitive side to console her in any way. I asked her if it was just guilt that made her confess and she told me no. She could have lived forever with the burden of guilt to spare me from what I was going through but she needed to be honest with me because I deserved the option.

 

I asked her what she would do, if I had banged "her best friend, not once, but another time and another time and another time and another time and another time and another time and who knows maybe even another time". Then invited her around multiple times and had my wife cook for her, clean up her mess, drink beer with etc. She said that back then she probably would have left me but now it would be extremely painful and hard.

 

I'm talking to her which is a start but I told her to shut up yesterday and that I wanted to talk. I've never told her to shut up ever before but i know whatever I say and do could never hurt her as much as she has hurt me. If i wasn't such a **** liar I would fabricate an affair that I had just to give her a taste of what its like.

 

 

The bolded part. Did you tell your wife that you slept in this bed?

 

The bolded and underlined part. That's BULL S H I T thagt she's feeding you! She was lonely? That sounds like Blameshifting to me! What an elaborate story she's concocted, and you fell for it, Hook Line and Sinker!

 

The Italic and underlined part. Well, at least you're not totally blind!

 

Divorce her ass, and make sure she leaves, not you, you didn't do anything wrong! Don't pay for her affair! Get a really good lawyer and find out what your rights are!

[wicar1]

 

-Also, along the lines of taking care of yourself, fight the urge to seek revenge, either on your WW or the OM (I won't even bother calling him your friend).

 

That is ridiculous, that guy was f***** his W behind his back.. what a great friend??

 

 

Pretty soon, you'll begin to need information from her. Personally, I would first start with the overall big picture or outline, rather than try to piece together and process all the gory details. For instance, have her create a timeline of events and give her, say, a week to complete it. Give her the criteria you want it to include, such as initial flirting, phone calls, texts, and then each personal encounter (whether they included sex or not)... pretty much everything you need to know that gives you an idea of what happened and when. By the way, "I don't know" or "I don't remember" are not acceptable answers. After you get the timeline, it will help you decide what gaps need to be filled in, and what further information you need.

 

She should be willing to, right at this very moment, give you full access to every online account she has, and I would start looking through her emails, Facebook, etc. to see if anything more emotional was exchanged, or if you can get a feel for what she described as stalkerish type behavior. By the way, don't let her get away with piss poor excuses like that. Be sure to check sent and deleted email folders, as well as the Recycling Bin on the computer, not to mention History and temporary files. Then you can go through her phone and the billing records to see how extensively they talked or texted.

 

I've already written a novel, so I'll just wrap this up with one last thought. Don't let anyone try to make you feel weak if you think you'd like to try to reconcile or a jerk if you realize you can't. This is YOUR marriage and YOUR life. Just be sure to give yourself enough time to know that you will have no regrets either way and nothing needs to be decided now. Also, I highly recommend the book, Not Just Friends by Shirley Glass. I guarantee that it will help shed a lot of light on things for you and your WW.

 

Lets assume artificial does all of the above, Is there even 95% chance that the marriage would be better?? I think NOT.

 

Anyway after going through all the pain caused by his W affair does he have to take pain in doing this too, for her selfish, filthy choice.

 

I learn from lc posts that it would take years to reconciliate and get things back to normal.. and to achive that one should put lots of pain in doing stuff ( only coz of for her selfish act), but even after years of MC you cannot guarantee that your marriage will workout. Even if it seems fine people wil still have trust issues.

 

And I have lots of posts in LS and in other forums that people who had forgiven a cheating spouse and chose to live with them were regretting their decision. i remember some people even 20+ years after D-Day regret for forgiving the spouse and trying to save the marriage.

 

it's just mere waste of one's future

[wicar1]

."

 

It's just 4 years and no kids involved. I think you are lucky. Just leave her. You will regret if you dont.

 

Sick b*stard. He's a young guy, lives a couple of hours away from us in a city. Plenty of girls (single ones) but he chooses to bang my wife.

- Always the cheater is 1000 times more to be blamed than the OM/OW.

 

She did say she wants to goto counselling and found a place and she has been reading lots of information about couples who had got through similar things and come out stronger. I replied, "couples where the wife bangs her husbands friend 6 times and then has him over for dinner

- good reply she deserves it.

Edited November 18, 2010 by wicar1

[whichwayisup]

Keep in mind, her truth is different than his. She's thrown him under the bus, so to speak. When you do 'yell/talk/' to him let him know you know about the threats, see how he reacts. Just keep your hands to yourself, I know you probably want to punch him out, rightfully so but be the bigger person here! Last thing you want is him to call the cops on you, charge you with assault.