"The Grass Is Greener" Syndrome

[Capital P]

"Once you are healed and you are over it… You will spend little if no time thinking about a second chance. Then and only then, would you ever have a chance at being successful with one should your ex return."

 

From what you are saying you clearly arent over it. You arent even over your first girlfriend 14 years ago, and you tried to get her back after 3 years.

You arent over your last girlfriend because you are on here talking about how wonderful she was.

 

The above comment is an oxy moron.

You are just a moron

[strangeways]

The above comment is an oxy moron.

You are just a moron

 

That, my friend, just brightened up my extremely s****y day. Thanks. :laugh:

[Weekender]

I ENDED A 5 YEAR RELATIONSHIP DUE TO G.I.G.S.

 

Met the most amazing girl when I was 19, we fell madly in love with one another. I cared very deeply for her. We did everything together and enjoyed each other's company. We were best friends that shared and knew everything about each other. We grew up together. She was beautiful, smart and funny. Out of everyone I ever dated, she is by far the best person, best lover, best friend I have ever known.

 

I ended the relationship due to G.I.G.S. when I was 24 years old, I am now 38.

 

 

Let me also post a quote from your other thread about the recent ex: "My Ex-Girlfriend and I broke up at the end of February, 2010.

 

GF is now 23. We dated for 3 years and lived together for the final 2"

 

WEAK! Did she at least graduate high school before you started dating her?

 

Capital P is right: man up! The two threads you've started are not about helping anybody else; they are for making yourself feel and look good.

 

You are writing like this is some sort of disorder... It is a choice.

 

"FACT: I had G.I.G.S. and I felt the need to end a 5 year relationship for "Greener Grass"."

 

What a load of crap. The word commitment probably came up and you bailed.

 

"So when the same 3 - 4 angry and bitter idiots on this thread tell you that the person with G.I.G.S. ended the relationship because they hate you, wish you harm, never cared for you in the first place, just broke up to have sex with as many people so they can spite you. Now you know why, They have to deny second chances exist and / or convince themselves that anyone who breaks up for any reason was cruel, twisted and evil."

 

You seem to have some trouble reading. I believe Banega100's post read as follows:

 

"Just to clear it up for those that aren't grasping the very basic concepts of human attraction an relationships;

 

A person will only ever break up with you because they lose interest in you. They don't want to have sex with you anymore. They aren't attracted to you."

Edited November 6, 2010 by Weekender

[durkadurka]

Let me also post a quote from your other thread about the recent ex: "My Ex-Girlfriend and I broke up at the end of February, 2010.

 

GF is now 23. We dated for 3 years and lived together for the final 2"

 

WEAK! Did she at least graduate high school before you started dating her?

 

Capital P is right: man up! The two threads you've started are not about helping anybody else; they are for making yourself feel and look good.

 

You are writing like this is some sort of disorder... It is a choice.

 

"FACT: I had G.I.G.S. and I felt the need to end a 5 year relationship for "Greener Grass"."

 

What a load of crap. The word commitment probably came up and you bailed.

 

"So when the same 3 - 4 angry and bitter idiots on this thread tell you that the person with G.I.G.S. ended the relationship because they hate you, wish you harm, never cared for you in the first place, just broke up to have sex with as many people so they can spite you. Now you know why, They have to deny second chances exist and / or convince themselves that anyone who breaks up for any reason was cruel, twisted and evil."

 

You seem to have some trouble reading. I believe Banega100's post read as follows:

 

"Just to clear it up for those that aren't grasping the very basic concepts of human attraction an relationships;

 

A person will only ever break up with you because they lose interest in you. They don't want to have sex with you anymore. They aren't attracted to you."

 

You just cemented how mentally handicapped you are. It means they dated for 3 years, two of which they lived together.

 

AKA she was 20.

 

You are an idiot.

[Weekender]

It was sarcasm. I know she was either 19 or 20. Since he said she was 23 now, the time of his recent post.

[reknown29]

 

A person will only ever break up with you because they lose interest in you. They don't want to have sex with you anymore. They aren't attracted to you."

 

This confuses me. My ex still wants to know what Im up to all the time. She still wants to have sex and she is all over me when I see her. I think its because she did not see a successful future. I take care of myself always get by but I dont have a lot of money saved etc... where does this fit in?

[durkadurka]

This confuses me. My ex still wants to know what Im up to all the time. She still wants to have sex and she is all over me when I see her. I think its because she did not see a successful future. I take care of myself always get by but I dont have a lot of money saved etc... where does this fit in?

 

Yeah I think that that is only one of the possible reasons why people break up.

 

My ex didn't see a future with me (or atleast that's what she says). The reality is that her family needed her and I needed to finish school and she's used me as a vehicle to relieve her guilt.

[Weekender]

Yeah, I agree future is a big reason. Others I've heard are distance and that cultures are too different. Different personalities. Different goals. etc.

[bl22]

I can see the point of view of both homebrew and Capital P.

 

homebrew makes good points in that, if you really, really did want your ex back at some point in the future when you have both matured, she will remember you in a positive light and she will have nothing but good to say about you...much more likely she will return feeling guilt and see what she lost giving you the power and control to decide what you'd rather do.

 

Capital P makes the point of what she's doing is totally wrong and shouldnt be helped out and the minute she loses interest, she should be history...true for almost all cases i imagine but im sure there are a few exceptions...everybodys diferent.

 

I think striking the right balance of both homebrews and capital p's points will result in leaving you the best chance of healing and possible reconciliation down the line.

[Capital P]

It was sarcasm. I know she was either 19 or 20. Since he said she was 23 now, the time of his recent post.

 

To be fair. If hes 35 and ****ing a 19 year old, thats pretty much the only thing that has so far impressed me.

But in the long course of things. a 38 yr old dude being a wuss is 10 times worse than a teenager doing it.

Edited November 7, 2010 by Capital P

[Hhhh]

Why does this thread have stars? This whole theory is going to prevent people from moving on. No one should be waiting around for an ex to return

[Capital P]

Why does this thread have stars? This whole theory is going to prevent people from moving on. No one should be waiting around for an ex to return

 

That is EXACTLY why i started this argument in the first place. People were agreeing with this crap because they want validation that it is ok to wait for an ex while they **** around.

It isnt

[Ajax]

That is EXACTLY why i started this argument in the first place. People were agreeing with this crap because they want validation that it is ok to wait for an ex while they **** around.

It isnt

 

I don't think anyone's advocating waiting around for an ex. I think that the OP's main points are that dumpers are often looking for something missing in their lives and that causes them to question the relationship, and that regardless of how you're treated you should treat them with respect. It's a matter of maintaining dignity.

 

I do disagree with the OP in "helping" the ex do things. I don't think that helping an ex move in any way maintains your dignity. But I guess that's personal choice.

 

Here's the thing though, the OP makes a lot of good points, as do you Capital P. But a lot of this thread has gone from being respectful debate to downright nastiness. I think we should all take a step back and try to realize that we're all on here to help and be helped, and that we need to be respectful of each other.

[Capital P]

Accept it and move on without making a fool of yourself or being spiteful = yes

helping them move out = no

 

I hope thats the end now

[VancouverStoover]

I'm literally in this exact situation right now, as of a week ago. She doesn't want to talk to me, and basically told me everything you said OP, and everyone on here. It sucks a lot. I finally stopped trying to talk to her after a week because she wanted me to, even though we went to a party and had sex. I hope i didn't mess it up by trying to talk to her this week. I still am freaking out trying to avoid contacting her, because i wish more than anything to be with her eventually. And i know i'm gonna rush it

[dumpee2]

Thanks for the post homebrew, finally I found the answer I was looking for. In my case, the situation is a little different because it is my ex bf who is suffering from G.I.G.S. We were together for more than 7 years, we were each others first relationship and all of a sudden when we began talking about marriage and living together he broke up with me. A few weeks after the break up he began dating a much younger girl (although he claims she is not his gf) but at the same time he continues saying that he is confused, that he needs time, that he still loves me, bla, bla, bla.

 

I made all the mistakes you mentioned, I cried, begged for a explanation but nothing seemed to worked. It has been almost 7 months since the breakup and things havent changed a bit. He still says he is confused, he wants us to be friends and of course he is still seeing the other girl.

 

Its been a few weeks since I finally decided to put the NC rule in action. I am not willing to wait around until he finally decides. But it is very difficult, I know I have to think about myself now but i cant get him out of my mind.

 

I would appreciate any further advice!

[SimonSerenade]

One thing I'll never understand with this G.I.G.S is how my ex left with no real explanation there for not allowing me closure and how she turned so cold and showed no hurt feelings on her side, She just seem's dead to me like I'm a total stranger that just took a dump in her kettle to be honest, I just can't understand how she could go about all of this without showing one small feeling of remorse for the trust and the heart she claimed to cherish she was breaking, Any input on this?

[kheart]

OMG! I wish that I knew this site sooner. Homebrew where were you a few months ago when I needed advice? I knew about the expression the grass is not always greener but I didn't understand it after I read all of your posts. Now, I am suffering because of it. The ex cut me off completely when he was the one who did me wrong. Although I chased him and practically begged him. At the end, he wants nothing to do with me. I can't help but ask myself will he ask me back? and for me to say NO.

[TheGrimSweeper]

Accept it and move on without making a fool of yourself or being spiteful = yes

helping them move out = no

 

I hope thats the end now

 

 

I agree completely with this.

 

Accept it and move on, don't beg, don't plead just move on and life your life to the fullest and don't initiate any contact with them.

 

If they contact you fine, but keep it short and sweet, no reason to be overly nice.

 

This is what I'm currently going through.. for the second time with the same girl. We dated for a year and a half, broke up for 2 months then got back together for another 6 months. She wasn't ready to come back the first time and in the back of my head I kinda realized that towards the end of the 6 months.

 

If i ever take her back again (if she comes back) I'm going to make sure shes 100% ready this time, but half of me wants to just move on and find someone else.

[desertIslandCactus]

Thanks for the post homebrew, finally I found the answer I was looking for. In my case, the situation is a little different because it is my ex bf who is suffering from G.I.G.S. We were together for more than 7 years, we were each others first relationship and all of a sudden when we began talking about marriage and living together he broke up with me. A few weeks after the break up he began dating a much younger girl (although he claims she is not his gf) but at the same time he continues saying that he is confused, that he needs time, that he still loves me, bla, bla, bla.

 

I made all the mistakes you mentioned, I cried, begged for a explanation but nothing seemed to worked. It has been almost 7 months since the breakup and things havent changed a bit. He still says he is confused, he wants us to be friends and of course he is still seeing the other girl.

 

Its been a few weeks since I finally decided to put the NC rule in action. I am not willing to wait around until he finally decides. But it is very difficult, I know I have to think about myself now but i cant get him out of my mind.

 

I would appreciate any further advice!

 

I think Devotion is for when two people are married and of the same accord.

 

NC is for anyone who wishes more for their life than being on someone's back burner.

 

He most likely knows how you feel. So-called 'confusion' is very common when a man has more than one intimate relationship in his life.

 

You are on the right track to continue with the NC while reaching out and demanding more for your life, and filling in with trying to rebuild/go forward .. Could be with exercise, projects, extending schooling, social groups .. etc ..

[deadhead88]

Ego might be involved, but I think there's something to this. G.I.G.S. might go hand in hand with the "quarter life crisis" that so many of us go through in our 20's. Especially in years after college, people tend to look at there lives and wonder if there might be something they should be doing differently or to fulfill themselves. They question their living situation, career choices, and oportunities for the future. If they happen to be in a relationship, that relationship becomes an anchor to a life they're not sure they want anymore.

 

So they cut it loose.

 

Very, very, very, true. In my case I am the one who got cut loose almost 4 months ago to a girl with the G.I.G.S. I'm in a very similar situation as my ex is moving away from me, her family, and her friends after she graduates this year from college to fulfill her dreams and goals in life. It's very hard to grasp that I am no longer part of her dreams, goals, and future. It's sad but

i just have to accept it and move on.

Edited December 3, 2010 by deadhead88

[Livelovelearn]

I think Devotion is for when two people are married and of the same accord.

 

NC is for anyone who wishes more for their life than being on someone's back burner.

 

He most likely knows how you feel. So-called 'confusion' is very common when a man has more than one intimate relationship in his life.

..

 

its so true, learning from my own experience my ex of almost 3 years had stated he was confused, needed to figure **** out in his life and what not.i just didnt understand as he was my first real relationship. I am 20 and he is 25. i just didnt get why he was confused only to find out he couldnt handle being along as he figured **** out so he had another girl who he was physical with. well him and her did not work out and i went no contact with him after doing all the wrong things and also being nasty towards him. anyway months later i reached out to tell him i didnt hate him and he continued contact. we met up and he really did make alot out of those months (career wise and getting a nice car). so i believe some of what homebrew said is true and yes sometimes people along the way find a rebound so they can cope. anyway we still talk but i think from reading everything here i need to cut contact or only respond to him when he texts only because we live an hour away from eachother and its rare to bump into him.

 

I would also like to say that i like this thread and i do enjoy loveshack however i didnt realize there could be such nastiness between posters, and i found it shocking i thought this was a place where people were all friendly and respectful towards eachother. thats just my two cents. I would also like to say that its not fair to say women are the one mainly with GIGS because i have searched this alot and men pull this move as well especially in their 20s (quarter life crisis). So i just wanted to say focusing it only on women is wrong!! both men and women have the ability to go through the same experiences. Thanks! thats my couple of cents lol

[DevotedDevonDad]

After reading this I now know, never having been aware of this, that I have suffered G.I.G.S for a long time! I am 38 so know for certain that it's not a younger persons issue!

 

Last November I told my wife of 8 years, partner of 17 and Mother of our 6 month old daughter that I wanted to leave her.

 

We started our relationship with an introduction by friends. I had only just broken up with a girlfriend of 2 years and was, after being treated badly by her, on the rebound. Once she found out that I was seeing someone else she suddenly wanted me back, but I stuck with my new girl.

 

My new girlfriend was incredibly shy, not the sort of person I would go for and I was the first person she'd ever been with. (Not even had a boyfriend by the age of 17).

 

We grew together, had many memorable times and just got on with life. We bought a house together.

 

This sounds pretty average....

 

But over the first four years of our relationship I ended up being infatuated/obsessed with and kissing two separate colleagues on two separate occasions. She never found out about this and I just lived with the guilt.

 

We married in 2001 and, after 2 years of marriage, again became infatuated/obsessed with a friend. I couldn't keep my feelings to myself any more and told her everything. We continued a non-sexual "affair" for a while until her conscience got the better of her and she told her husband.

 

The **** hit the fan and he wanted to "kill" me. After much soul-searching my wife and I drifted back together and we carried on with the marriage. We moved to a different town, got new jobs and seemed happy.

 

We became parents - I was overjoyed. But I fell for my wife's maternity cover at work.

 

I tried to fight it, but I looked at (my impression of) the bigger picture. I considered that if I could keep feeling like this about others then I needed to be out of the marriage. I couldn't be a good husband if I felt stronger about people other than my own wife. Hell, I even wanted to be with her Mother!

 

I told my wife that "I loved her" but wasn't "in love" with her.

 

I started a relationship with the woman who was covering my wife's maternity leave; we ended up being incompatible and now am single.

 

I was on medication for depression which, after observations from family members, I had been suffering for years. I am now seeing a counsellor.

 

My wife and I still spend a fair amount of time together as, due to my rented property only having one bedroom and being unheated, I CANNOT have my daughter over to stay. We are still "friends".

[Fermentum]

Thanks homebrew. Your post really helps puts my Ex's behaviour into perspective. We broke up mutually at first (I was moving away for Grad School and not wanting LDR, and wanted to keep potential for when we're likely in the same city in the future), but she wanted to keep in constant contact, so when she visited a month and a half later it was just like old times. Long story short, feelings came back and after another month of confusing signals I told her we either get back together or it time for NC. She chose the latter. Since then she has started a relationship with another woman, tried some drugs, and probably a whole bunch more that I don't know about now, and don't want to know about. She's using the time to sow her oats, "find herself", while I am moving on to bigger and better things. I'm not bitter about it anymore, I understand; I just regret it took me a lot of pain to figure out her headspace.

 

As for people who were dumped for G.I.G.S., I can understand the reluctance and the pain. But I do believe that staying in touch is a big no-no. For all those who have been explicitly dumped by someone going through GIGS, you must sever all contact and move on. Make them understand that the price of seeing what is Greener is that you are out of their life completely and permanently. And if, 14 years down the line they are still pining for you while you have moved on and are blissfully happy...well, maybe it serves them right.

[SimonSerenade]

Thanks homebrew. Your post really helps puts my Ex's behaviour into perspective. We broke up mutually at first (I was moving away for Grad School and not wanting LDR, and wanted to keep potential for when we're likely in the same city in the future), but she wanted to keep in constant contact, so when she visited a month and a half later it was just like old times. Long story short, feelings came back and after another month of confusing signals I told her we either get back together or it time for NC. She chose the latter. Since then she has started a relationship with another woman, tried some drugs, and probably a whole bunch more that I don't know about now, and don't want to know about. She's using the time to sow her oats, "find herself", while I am moving on to bigger and better things. I'm not bitter about it anymore, I understand; I just regret it took me a lot of pain to figure out her headspace.

 

As for people who were dumped for G.I.G.S., I can understand the reluctance and the pain. But I do believe that staying in touch is a big no-no. For all those who have been explicitly dumped by someone going through GIGS, you must sever all contact and move on. Make them understand that the price of seeing what is Greener is that you are out of their life completely and permanently. And if, 14 years down the line they are still pining for you while you have moved on and are blissfully happy...well, maybe it serves them right.

 

Couldn't of said it better myself mate, I think G.I.G.S is an act of god, A test of resisting temptation and being happy with what you have, Unfortunately many people so it seem's fail the test, Once they realise there mistake the roles completely reverse then it's a test of self respect for the one's who were left to simply feel not good enough, Either the person who suffered G.I.G.S will be handed a pass or will be handed a "live with the mistake" card.