Girlfriend insanely jealous over my female friend

[Eeyore79]

If you're attracted to a friend, or a friend is attracted to you, the friendship is not platonic and is therefore inappropriate if you're in a relationship. If a friend disrespects your partner, they're not acting like your friend. I demand that my friends respect my partner and my relationship, and if they don't, then we can't be friends any more.

 

Your friendship with this girl is inappropriate, and your grlfriend has every right to be jealous. To be honest, she should have dumped you already, since you clearly aren't respecting her by continuing this friendship. If you want to be with your girlfriend, you need to dump this so-called friend who actually isn't acting like a true friend at all.

[amerikajin]

Well we've been dating almost two months now, and I care about her so much. She has never been in a real serious relationship like we're in, so a lot of this is new to her and I understand fully.

 

Her anger/jealousy over this girl is justified too, however don't say "Well don't be friends with her" I'm debating that despite not being willing to give up a friend. I spent 6 years with my ex and lost a lot of friends, so I'm not ready to throw people aside because my girlfriend is unhappy.

 

I would never cheat, but there's a definite attraction with this girl and she's made it obvious to me that she's interested too without having to say it. My girlfriend got upset with her the last time we all went out (co-workers and friends) because this girl wouldn't look my girlfriend in the eye at any point.

 

She obviously wouldn't make eye contact because she wants me, and we also all went out last night. My girlfriend was so angry at her just being there (which she originally wasn't supposed to be) she got up and went inside the bar. Then the other girl made a comment about "his weird girlfriend" that I heard as I went inside too. I can't prove she was talking about my girlfriend, but no one else there had a girlfriend with them.

 

So basically the situation is about to explode and my girlfriend is ready to fight her. It just sucks because I don't want to have to not be friends with this girl over this.

 

I know people are going to say that you shouldn't have to ditch your female friends and all that. Sounds nice in theory, but the reality is, female friends are a hazard when you're in a serious relationship. It's not about whether you actually would or wouldn't cheat; it's about the level of security you and your partner have in your relationship -- that comes first. Even if the threat is a perceived threat and not a real one, I think you need to see it from your partner's point of view and respect her sensitivities first.

 

I used to believe that women and men could be friends just like dudes can, but I've learned from previous experiences that it's just not so. I once had a good female friend of mine (two actually) with whom I was close. I will admit that in my case there was the added dimension of having had a relationship with both of my 'friends' but they were dating other people and I thought the lines were clearly drawn. I never actually had face time with one (just the occasional call or internet message) and only hung out with the other when her boyfriend was present, so there was nothing up. Didn't matter. She was having none of it. I tried the whole friends thing, but it didn't work. It turned into some of the biggest arguments we ever had. Wasn't worth it. I learned that women and men can be friends, but never the way that two guys can. It's not the same, because men and women don't relate in the same way.

 

In your case, you aren't really doing anything wrong, but your friend apparently has eyes for you. That's naturally going to make your girlfriend uncomfortable, as it probably would if your girl had a serious admirer. At least you are all going out together, but even then, it might not be possible to have the same level of friendship as you've had. I would maybe scale back the level of contact that you have with your friend and make your girlfriend more secure in her relationship. If this were about your girl telling you not to hang out with your dudes, I would be having a different take on this -- never let her interfere with that. You have a right to friends, but female friends are a different matter for obvious reasons.

Edited October 10, 2010 by amerikajin

[amerikajin]

Yeah, it'll work out somehow.

 

If you don't step up and do something about it, then your girlfriend (the one you love) might be the one who ends up working it all out for you. I would ask yourself if that's what you really want.

 

I'm not trying to be harsh, but I've been in your shoes. I know what you mean about ego boost: we all love it. And we all want to imagine this idyllic scenario in which we're showered with attention by sexy girls while coming home to our soul mates, and our soul mates are cool with it all and chuckle and think the attention you get is nothing more than cute and harmless, because they know that they're the centerpiece of your world. It would be nice...but this is the real world, Engadget.

[Seamless74]

hey engadget...

 

First of Ive of the opinion that "platonic" friends is just basically a rock people can hide under so that they do dirty low down **** at some point... either actually in the flesh or more of a mental masturbation thing... Nothing really wrong with either until another person is involved...

 

I know you prolly are like alot of us when you meet someone and get all wrapped up in a relationship then over time you loose all your friends and become all about one person and then if that person ever leaves.. well you know you wont have any friends... So i see your point there...

 

My only gripe with you is why on earth would you ever get these two girls together in a friends co worker type ****ed up mixer... thats just plain stupid work friends are work friends and social friends are social friends both chicks have a right to be pissed at you for that,,,,

[cabarc1]

The thing I don't get is that in past threads you called your girlfriend your soulmate, kept saying you never felt like this before in your entire life, etc. Remember all that??

 

And yet you allow such blatant disrespect of her and your relationship with her, admitting that you enjoy the ego stroke.

 

 

 

This is EXACTLY what i thought when i read this! I thought surely he can't be talking about the same girl because there is no way he'd put her through that after everything he said about her.........

[LucreziaBorgia]

Eng - your girlfriend thinks that you are passively encouraging the other girl's behavior at her expense. For a good deal of women, passively and actively encouraging another woman's attentions are pretty much the same. Your inaction is consent in her mind. I'm sure she is wondering why you want to be friends with someone who is clearly only interested in making things difficult for her. In a sense, your girlfriend likely thinks that you are choosing this other girl over her since you condone her behavior, knowing full well that the two of you are attracted to each other.

 

That said, how can she know that you won't 'slip up' with this other girl? In cases like this, your words say "I would never cheat" but your actions seem to be encouraging a situation where it could conceivably happen.

 

I'm not questioning you, rather just trying to get you to see that your girlfriend isn't jealous necessarily - what bothers her is that you are being 'friends' with someone at her expense: in other words, knowingly hurting her and continuing to do so. Having your boyfriend allow you to be humiliated in this way by another girl just isn't kosher, man.

 

I know you don't want to choose, but in a situation like this - you can't have it both ways. This 'friend' isn't your OW, but she may as well be considering that there is definite competition going on. And think about it: would a friend really humiliate your girlfriend and make it clear that she wants you to dump her? What kind of friend is that?

 

The friendship is only in your head, Eng - your 'friend' has a target right on your girlfriend's forehead, and your encouragement is only helping her steady the aim.

[Dexter Morgan]

Her anger/jealousy over this girl is justified too, however don't say "Well don't be friends with her" I'm debating that despite not being willing to give up a friend. I spent 6 years with my ex and lost a lot of friends, so I'm not ready to throw people aside because my girlfriend is unhappy.

 

I would never cheat, but there's a definite attraction with this girl and she's made it obvious to me that she's interested too without having to say it.

 

 

then she isn't "just" a "friend". Of course your gf's anger is justified, and you are giving her a reason to be jealous.

 

And if there is a mutual attraction between you and this "friend", then there is no way you can say you will never cheat.

 

 

My girlfriend got upset with her the last time we all went out (co-workers and friends) because this girl wouldn't look my girlfriend in the eye at any point.

 

She obviously wouldn't make eye contact because she wants me, and we also all went out last night. My girlfriend was so angry at her just being there (which she originally wasn't supposed to be) she got up and went inside the bar. Then the other girl made a comment about "his weird girlfriend" that I heard as I went inside too. I can't prove she was talking about my girlfriend, but no one else there had a girlfriend with them.

 

nothing weird about it. She has every right to be pissed.

 

 

So basically the situation is about to explode and my girlfriend is ready to fight her. It just sucks because I don't want to have to not be friends with this girl over this.

 

again, its not just a friend, you are attracted to her, and she to you.

 

Here is the problem, your gf probably doesn't know that you are attracted to this girl...unless you told her. And if you did tell her, then she'd nuts for sticking around.

 

So as long as you are attracted to her and know she wants you too, then hanging out with her is highly disrespectful to your girlfriend.

 

So maybe you should set your gf free if you want to continue to disrespect her?

[Dexter Morgan]

They are absolutely ready to fight each other though, and I won't lie...I like that in the attention getting sort of way.

 

OMG, why don't you just spare your gf and set her free so she can find someone that won't do this to her.

[Dexter Morgan]

The thing I don't get is that in past threads you called your girlfriend your soulmate, kept saying you never felt like this before in your entire life, etc. Remember all that??

 

and losing a soulmate over a huss that is trying to break them up is pretty sad.

 

but like he said, he likes the attention....if his gf breaks up with him, hope his ego feeding was worth it.

[Dexter Morgan]

Eng - your girlfriend thinks that you are passively encouraging the other girl's behavior at her expense.

 

 

and his gf would be correct. He is encouraging it. he said it himself, he likes the attention, more specifically, he likes the attention and thought of them fighting over him. He hangs around her to keep this drama going and they both know there is a mutal attraction.

 

So yes, he is encouraging it.

[Jannah]

Anyone notice how the OP hasn't come back to defend himself....

 

:rolleyes:

[abouttoloseit]

Probably sat on a bench, with his mates, drinking....watching his girlfriends fight it out.

[Engadget]

Probably sat on a bench, with his mates, drinking....watching his girlfriends fight it out.

 

Close enough, that almost happened at the bar.

 

Well the other girl found out my girlfriend doesn't like her and that me and my girlfriend believe she's into me, and now she's constantly posting on facebook that her boyfriend is the only man she's interested in, but won't say a word about it to me.

[BruceLeroy]

I think you're setting yourself up here dude. I watched something similar happen between my best fem friend and her man when they got togethr.

 

He was a big flirt and took advantage of the fact that she was cool with the platonic friend deal by doing nothing when some chick would get confused about his attention. Just shrug it off and leave it to her to chase them off one by one.

 

the dust settled after a year of mess and it was still a threesome. Him and her, and her resentment. Dropped him flat.

[Engadget]

It's over with, I'm done talking to the other girl and a co-worker for opening her big mouth about the whole thing and telling me my girlfriend didn't like her because this girl liked me (not the case).

 

The end. Those in glass houses people of LS.

[Dexter Morgan]

oh, so its done because of her "opening her big mouth"....not because you were wrong in doing what you were doing in the first place eh?

[tigressA]

oh, so its done because of her "opening her big mouth"....not because you were wrong in doing what you were doing in the first place eh?

 

Yeah, I know...sounds like he would've let it keep on going if it hadn't been for that incident.

[Mimolicious]

Yeah, my XH had one of those "Homegirls" that I didn't like because she was fresh and disrespectful coming on to my xH at every chance she got. My xH didn't care how much I warned him because he felt like you do.

Did you notice the "x" befor the "h"? He's my xH, she is his OW.

The end.

 

You need to have your priorities straight, E. For wanting it all, you will end up with nothing.

[Mimolicious]

I see this issue is thornier in regards to your female friend than for your girlfriend. With your girlfriend, you can provide reassurance and be truthful with her. You can hold her at night and make her feel like the most important person in the world. If you are good to your GF and are trustworthy, she will relax over time.

 

I'm more worried for your female friend. I have been in her position many times and it is incredibly painful. Either I walk away from the friendship or I kill the feelings, but that's not easy.

 

If you can be so honest with your GF, then you owe the same thing to your friend. Talk to her about what you see. Tell her you are attracted so that she doesn't feel crazy for seeing signs of interest. Be firm that it will only ever be platonic. If you are good friends, she will likely open up. I don't know if she'll tell you the whole truth, but she'll tell you what she feels safe to tell.

 

Be an extraordinary friend to your female friend. Be loyal and steadfast and never send mixed signals. Don't flirt, no matter how drunk or lonely or lovestruck you are. You wouldn't flirt with a guy friend so don't do that with her.

 

My guy friends have been so amazing to me over the years. In fact, one of them saved my life (literally). I commend you for caring about your friend. In my opinion, I think friendship is more satisfying and long-lasting than romance.

 

There. I'll stop. Good luck.

 

 

I had to read this twice...Loaded with contradictions. He should nurture his "friendship" with someone that has the "hots" for him because he needs to be an "extraordinary" friend but on the flip-side disrespect and walk all over the wishes of the same person you are telling him to hold and snuggle with at night?

 

Ridiculous! The world is not unicorns and rainbows with sprinkles cupcakes.

 

I am sure that if E's gf were to be the one tagging along another dude against his wishes, he wouldn't be so sympathetic of the sitch.

[Mimolicious]

Out of curiosity, are these the same "friend" and GF that few months back you were debating about which one to get with?

[Engadget]

oh, so its done because of her "opening her big mouth"....not because you were wrong in doing what you were doing in the first place eh?

 

Nothing that I was doing was wrong, I was trying to be friends with this girl and that was it. Get off your high horse.

 

God, you people make me realize why I stopped posting here. Who the **** are you?

[tigressA]

That's only because we're telling you what you don't want to hear. You honestly think that we'll tell you it's perfectly okay for you to do what you've been doing with the way you've phrased it in this thread? Have you even thought of how you would feel if you were in your GF's shoes?

 

You were encouraging inappropriate behavior from your friend at your girlfriend's expense. Please tell us how that isn't wrong.

[Ash20]

Hey, I know I'm jumping into the conversation a little late, but I have some valuable input. I was in a situation almost EXACTLY like this, and I was the girlfriend.

To put it plain and simple, first, you absolutely NEED to put your foot down with your friend if you are serious about your relationship with your girlfriend. Your friend is definitely crossing the line. My boyfriend was just like you. He enjoyed the ego boost he got from me and his friend fighting. And just like your friend, my boyfriend's friend didn't look me in the eye when I first met her, didn't say hello to me, NOTHING. This girl openly made comments about me, and when I tried to talk civilly to her, she ran to my boyfriend and told him I was being bitchy and overprotective. Anyway, to make a long story short, the situation ended up causing our relationship A LOT of stress, and it caused me a lot of pain. By the time it all stopped, too much damage had been done and my boyfriend and I split up. He then spent time with this friend. After a while, he asked me back and he deleted her number from his phone and stopped talking to her. Now, our relationship is better than ever.

 

So, to conclude, you either need to put your foot down with your friend and she needs to start treating your girlfriend with respect, OR you need to break it off with one of them. PLEASE, for your girlfriend's sake, make a decision, or TRUST ME, she WILL make it for you, but not before she has been deeply hurt by the situation. STOP causing your girlfriend stress! Oh, and P.S. I know what you are saying about losing friends, but I'd like to point out that in THIS case, you would only be losing ONE "friend" and if you really care about your girlfriend, it's worth it.

[leftfordead2]

Nothing that I was doing was wrong, I was trying to be friends with this girl and that was it. Get off your high horse.

 

God, you people make me realize why I stopped posting here. Who the **** are you?

 

Yup, who the **** are we to tell you that you're wrong?

 

 

 

 

 

But wait, why did you post here in the first place? Umm, to inform us that you're a girl magnet? Or that your female friend can't resist your charms and your gf should just suck it up? Hmm, help me out here will ya? Cause I can't figure out why you would post here if you didn't want advice.

 

So people post stuff that you don't wanna hear but it's not like you'll listen anyway. People were kind enough to tell you that you might lose your gf if you keep this up.

 

Frankly, do you really believe that we care whether your r/s will work out if you still remain friends with that girl? :rolleyes:You can boast to us all you want, just don't come crying and posting a new thread in "Breaks and Breaking Up" and asking what was wrong in the future. :lmao::lmao:

[threebyfate]

Engadget, since it got stupid, I stepped out. But so that you know, I'm not hassling you for having a female friend. It's okay to have friends of either gender. It's even okay to have a female friend who likes you with caveats that you're not attracted to the female friend, aren't getting ego-stroked from the attention and it doesn't bother your girlfriend.

 

From what I've read in this thread, you're attracted to the female friend, enjoying the ego stroke and it bothers your girlfriend. This isn't what friendship is all about, although there are enough guys out there that would agree with you that without the attraction and ego-stroking, there's no reason to be friends with women.