Ariadne Posted October 4, 2010 Posted October 4, 2010 I'm saying OG's focus while dating seem to stem from her own perception of some external pressure to find love. Nah, I don't think it's this. No "validation" and no "mom". If anything, I'd say OG would rather not date at all and forget the whole thing. Is just that at 31 years old and she wants to have a family. As simple as that.
Untouchable_Fire Posted October 4, 2010 Posted October 4, 2010 Kam, I think it's quite a stretch to blame OG's mom for her issues. As for OG's priorities, what are they? She doesn't even know. She initiated sex with the guy - in his car - and then accused him of using her. She ignores him, then got angered when he takes time to respond to her. He can't meet her needs or do right by her because she has no idea what would make her happy. Don't you agree that she needs to let this guy go and stop dating for a while until she gets herself sorted out? OG has dating and family issues. I don't think you can separate the two. Her parents have a messed up co-dependent relationship. Ever notice how she OBSESSES over attention and contact from these guys... Note that her family situation is VERY similar. Her problem is that her family situation has conditioned her to want a certain type of interaction, yet she inherently knows its unhealthy. Thus causing massive internal conflict and confusion. I am not blaming OG's mom. I'm saying OG's focus while dating seem to stem from her own perception of some external pressure to find love. This is what incapacitates her from actually defining her own priorities. We're all responsible for how we internalize external pressures. I do think it's important that she identify where she feels the pressure is coming from though, so as to be able to stop internalizing it. Yes, I would and have encouraged OG to put her own wellbeing first. Just as you say... that pressure in internal, but she feels it is external. How should she go about doing that? And what about this guy's wellbeing? Seems really selfish to "use him" (or any other guy) to meet the needs she should be meeting on her own (whether that's valudation or her mother's approval)... Your correct. She needs to back off dating for a significant period. However... I'm pretty sure saying this is pointless, because her overall ability to take criticism is zero. She probably won't read this.
CLC2008 Posted October 4, 2010 Posted October 4, 2010 Ever notice how she OBSESSES over attention and contact from these guys... Note that her family situation is VERY similar. That's a bingo, something I already noticed and sited long ago...
sanskrit Posted October 4, 2010 Posted October 4, 2010 His reply? "I was thinking of coming by your place after work" The guy thinks he did something to turn you completely off, and is likely wondering whether a public or private talk is best. How on earth you think he is just setting up sex is beyond me. He is either going to try to fix things or has had enough and feels the honorable thing to do is dump you face to face. Men who attempt the level of contact he has after your first sexual time together are not using you for sex. Had he wanted to do that you would have heard from him not at all or once since your time together. Six hours between contacts is not "ignoring" you. Many people block time for returning mail, texts, etc., or... shocker ... wait until they actually have something meaningful to say in return after taking some time for reflection. Contrary to what modern tweet/text/cell culture suggests, the point of human existence is not to mindlessly babble out words at each other endlessly every minute of the day. It seems in any given set of facts, you seek to take the most unfavorable fact completely out of context as a focus for worry. From reading some of your threads it seems you are self-enabling some sort of anxiety cycle by doing this. You seem to move between one angst source and the next without taking the whole into consideration. Please consider taking steps to break this cycle, and consider not dating until you can view standard, random events in a more healthy way.
threebyfate Posted October 4, 2010 Posted October 4, 2010 In colclusion, I don't know if I like him or not I am worried that my standards are too high and that what I am looking for is impossible to find. I am scared that I would rather live "inside my head" than have a real relatinoship. BTW I still haven't responded to his dinner invite.Shut it down OG. Not worth it if you're feeling ambivalent and the chemistry doesn't hit you like a sledgehammer. You're hanging on for security, rather than continuing to look for someone compatible. Finding dates and relationships are easy to do. Finding the right guy can be a frustrating and fruitless search. Keep the faith. You'll find him but not with this guy.
Kamille Posted October 4, 2010 Posted October 4, 2010 How should she go about doing that? And what about this guy's wellbeing? Seems really selfish to "use him" (or any other guy) to meet the needs she should be meeting on her own (whether that's valudation or her mother's approval)... Did I encourage her to use this guy? As to how she should find balance, she has brought up the idea of taking a break from dating, which I think is great. I've recommended exercise, figuring out things that relax her, and confronting her obsessions with reality. I've written an extremely long post in one of Shadows threads on the importance of having one's own back which SACWA read and commented on. As many other posters here, I have suggested ideas, but the only person who actually decides what makes sense for her is SACWA.
LisaLee Posted October 4, 2010 Posted October 4, 2010 (edited) Did I encourage her to use this guy? As to how she should find balance, she has brought up the idea of taking a break from dating, which I think is great.... This isn't the first time SaC has said she will take a break from dating. This seems to be her and Shadow's cycle... to find a guy, things not work out with said guy, then make a resolution to take a break from dating until next guy comes along. If I recall correctly SaC was going to take a break from dating right before this guy told her he thinks she's wonderful. Also, if I remember right, she thought this guy was dull up to the point he said she was awesome. Then, quite suddenly, she was head over heels. And now she's realizing, post sex, that he is the same boring guy he was. I feel sorry for him. Edited October 4, 2010 by LisaLee
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