Kamille Posted October 4, 2010 Posted October 4, 2010 (edited) Ugh, that's EXACTLY how I am! It's impossible for me to communicate on the spot without feeling like I'm just completely spazzing out! This is one thing that C doesn't understand about me. He doesn't understand why I feel I can't just come out and say "I'm upset about _______." Or "Please don't do ______; it makes me feel ______." I think that things would be SO much better if I learned how to say something made me upset, but that I need some time to think about exactly why so that I can effectively communicate. Basically what he gets annoyed/upset by is me acting like nothing is wrong and then it all coming out hours later, and in a bad way on top of that. If I let him know right away that something is wrong, but I need some time to think about it before I can talk, he would understand me much better, and wouldn't be frustrated. Me learning to do this would really, really improve things for myself, and in the relationship. I'm lucky, my bf is incredibly understanding about this. But it is one of the first things I told him about myself: "I need time to figure out why I'm upset about stuff". The therapist helped me figure out I do this because I wasn't really allowed to express anger or negative emotions as a kid. If I cried, my mom would dismiss my emotions and get even angrier at me. I never learned to express them. The therapist also has identified that I can therefore be quite passive-agressive. So, in your case, the compromise could be this: you'll be honest about what it is that's upsetting you, ie, you won't pretend nothing is wrong when something is wrong, but you get to choose when you're ready to talk about it. Edited October 4, 2010 by Kamille
Author tigressA Posted October 4, 2010 Author Posted October 4, 2010 That sounds really good. I like that. I'll make sure I tell him that next time we talk. I've decided I'm going to let this issue go. I feel I can do it. I understand my reaction to it, however turbulent--given my past, it was understandable. And it is also entirely likely that it was merely out of curiosity, like some posters here said, or at the very most mere fantasy, instead of some "preference". He's with me, he chose me. I'm choosing to focus on that. I looked in the mirror a few minutes ago and I thought, "Heh. Nice!"
Kamille Posted October 4, 2010 Posted October 4, 2010 I've decided I'm going to let this issue go. I feel I can do it. I understand my reaction to it, however turbulent--given my past, it was understandable. And it is also entirely likely that it was merely out of curiosity, like some posters here said, or at the very most mere fantasy, instead of some "preference". He's with me, he chose me. I'm choosing to focus on that. I'll let it slide this time :laugh:. Just make sure you hold yourself accountable to communicate. Do not make excuses or find reasons so as to not have to express your emotions. Do not convince yourself issues are in the past, or solved, just so you let yourself off the hook. Every time the therapist would challenge me to communicate about a particular issue, I would find reasons why I could hold off on it just a bit longer. She always pushed me to face my fears and communicate. It was really hard and stressful the first few times I did it. It's still hard and stressful for me. But now I know when I'm just making excuses and allowing distance to seep into my relationships. And I'm still amazed at the results. People respond really well to knowing what's going on with me.
Author tigressA Posted October 4, 2010 Author Posted October 4, 2010 That's really interesting. I never thought of these things as holding myself accountable, or letting myself off the hook. Logically I know that when he asks me what's up, if something's wrong, whatever--he's picked up on signals that communicate to him that I'm upset, and that he really does want to know exactly what about. But I still really struggle with coming out and being totally honest. I think he had a good point when he said he felt I don't care about him. I don't think I really do. I still care more about appearing invulnerable than I do about him. C confronts it because he cares. He doesn't just blow it off. He gets exasperated with me, and honestly, who wouldn't? I would be exasperated with me after not too long. He doesn't want me to keep pushing him away like this. And I know, logically, that one has to give a little to get a little. It's very difficult though, after a lifetime of selfish behavior. I blame my parents. I'm kidding. He's challenged me and encouraged me in multiple ways. He's encouraged my interest in interior decorating and supported me in my rekindled interest in writing. He says that I'm very talented, intelligent, articulate, and beautiful. He believes that I'm capable of doing great things. He also says that I'm sometimes very difficult to deal with. And wouldn't you know that I never really said anything to him like what he's said to me. I never really did anything for him like what he's done for me. I never really expressed a desire to know anything about him. The only time I seem to be really engaged with him is when we're getting hot and heavy.
Kamille Posted October 4, 2010 Posted October 4, 2010 Well it's not selfishness. It's learned behavior. Somewhere along the way you acquired the belief that it's easier to keep your emotions and needs to yourself and to let others figure you out on their own, if they want to, and at their own risk and perils. From what you say here, you're still in self-preservation mode, which leaves very little room for the risk of letting someone else in, and getting to know someone else.
CLC2008 Posted October 4, 2010 Posted October 4, 2010 Tigress, me thinks you need to stay off of his computer. Sometimes people internet surf out of boredom or things they've seen on TV or have heard other people discuss, or just curiosity. Now, if he's an active member of these types of websites, your relationship and sex life is on the decline, then I'd be a bit concerned. Maybe make a joke about it, leave him a sexy picture of a big woman on his pillow and see what he says.
Author tigressA Posted October 4, 2010 Author Posted October 4, 2010 No, I'm staying away from that whole thing. I'm over it. It hasn't affected anything about the physical aspect of our relationship so I have no reason to worry. At its root it is just yet another instance of failing to communicate what I really feel. I've regressed. I think I was really starting to be better about opening up, but it's like the longer we're together the more I bury myself in self-preservation mode. We were talking the other day about a friend of his who's in a pretty complicated love triangle. I said, "Ultimately my advice to this guy is to cut ties and move on. WHY do people choose to engage themselves with others who are clearly unavailable in some way--they're already committed, or they at least have given their heart to someone else. I think everyone in that situation is screwed up. I wouldn't put myself in a situation like that. It rarely gets you anywhere." He said, "It's not a matter of choice. When you're really in love the heart wants what it wants. It seems like you never just let yourself feel things, Tigress. You feel things but then you think about them, wondering if they're good or bad and why. And you keep many, many of those thoughts to yourself. Your head always pipes up for your heart. You don't let your heart speak for itself. Why?" I got really quiet then and after a minute I changed the subject.
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