tigressA Posted October 4, 2010 Posted October 4, 2010 My weekend with C was really good. Something came up for me in the middle of last night when he was outside on the phone with his parents (they're in India, different time zones). I was on his computer and I started to type a Web address. It began with the letter "B" and something popped up in the history about "BBW"--which, as many people know, stands for "big beautiful women". I didn't go to the site that popped up; I didn't want to. I just...sat there, feeling somewhat shocked. He had done a Google search on this, for crying out loud! I'm trying so hard not to internalize this emotionally. When he was still out I went to the bathroom and just stared at myself in the mirror, thinking, "I'm attractive, right? Yes, yes, I am. I'm beautiful just the way I am; I always have been. And he wouldn't be with me if he didn't find me attractive. He tells me I'm beautiful or when something I wear looks particularly good on me. He doesn't do it a lot, but I don't need him to because I'm happy with what I see every day in the mirror! Right? Right? YES!" But it didn't stop me from going into the kitchen and chugging straight from his bottle of Hpnotiq. As the alcohol warmed my insides, I could feel my eyes get hot and wet and achy. I couldn't help but feel like maybe I'm not enough for him...literally. I felt all that stuff from years of others taunting me about being stick-thin, accusing me of having an eating disorder, saying that I should eat more because I must be unhealthy. I dealt with that for 13 years; I felt like being thin was a bad thing to be; I felt like I wasn't pretty because of my build. I haven't felt that way in several years, but seeing that just brought it all back and I started crying my eyes out. I just sat there and sobbed until I couldn't anymore. I had gotten it all out before C came back in, thank goodness. When he came back in I felt numb. We talked in bed for a little while, we had sex (great, as usual), and I fell asleep with him holding me, and I felt better. But since I've been back home I've had this sour feeling in my stomach. It didn't stop me from having 2 pieces of fish, and half a plate each of mashed potatoes and green beans for dinner. I have some cookies with me now. I could hardly taste any of it but I just kept shoveling it in my mouth. G*d, I feel so neurotic! It's like logically I know that I'm very attractive and that he finds me attractive, that he desires me. But emotionally I feel a bit wrecked. I just need some advice. And I have a few questions: I don't know if what he was looking up was porn-oriented, but it seems somewhat likely. Does your preference when looking up porn run to what you're most attracted to in real life? Like if you prefer to date blondes, do you look up porn featuring blondes? Or Asians? Or girls with small/big chests? Or are the two usually not connected at all?
jerbear Posted October 4, 2010 Posted October 4, 2010 I suggest giving him the benefit of the doubt. Honestly, it might be his personal preferences and it hurts you. Now it is really not his fault for hurting you because it just happened to be what he was looking at or by accident. For me I've seen some strange stuff BY ACCIDENT. Yes I do look at porn and yes I have an interests in that type of porn. Sometimes it is curiosity. I have never seen the "helicopter" position for instance. :lmao:
Eeyore79 Posted October 4, 2010 Posted October 4, 2010 I would also feel hurt if my SO had a porn preference which was exactly the opposite of me.
SouthernSunshine Posted October 4, 2010 Posted October 4, 2010 It could just be curiosity. Usually when a guy/girl cheats, they choose someone different from who they already have. Almost the exact opposite! If he actually did a search for that, it doesn't mean he was "taking care of his business" so to speak.. he could've only been looking. You are a beautiful woman, don't ever question that! Humans like variety though. I mean, beautiful women get cheated on every day! That's not saying he's cheating. I would just let it go. You're the one he holds at night.
sugarmomma Posted October 4, 2010 Posted October 4, 2010 Please stop attaching your self worth to what he searches for on his computer. There are no guarantees in love and you have to trust that you are good enough and if he screws that up, that's on him. Stop focusing so much on him and what he's doing on HIS computer. Focus more on why you are affected so much by his behavior and attack yourself and self worth as a result. Why did that bother you so much?? If cheating is a dealbreaker for you just wait and make a decision at that time. His search does not necessarily have much of anything to do with you. How do you know it wasn't a friend or family member on his computer? ((HUGS))
Arabella Posted October 4, 2010 Posted October 4, 2010 Men look at porn, that's a fact whether we like it or not. Perhaps the BBW porn is only ONE of the things he likes to look at. It doesn't mean he doesn't like more slim women such as yourself. Otherwise, he would have gone and found himself a BBW if that was what he wanted. Don't be so hard on yourself! Arabella
Pfiend101 Posted October 4, 2010 Posted October 4, 2010 Generally porn is all fantasy. Incredibly hot chicks doing the nastiest things in bed imagineable. We as men know we will most likely never get all this. But it does in fact turn us on.
Author tigressA Posted October 4, 2010 Author Posted October 4, 2010 I'm not upset because he may be looking at porn in general. I know that men look; I'm not naive. It's just that I've never dealt with this type of situation before, and seeing that just really shocked me. I'm feeling a little better about it, but I couldn't help feeling unattractive at the time--like I said in my OP, it brought back really negative memories from when I was picked on constantly for being "too thin". And also like I said, I KNOW that I'm attractive. I don't need anyone to tell me that. It was a logical thought in my head. But my emotions couldn't get a grip on that at the time.
LisaLee Posted October 4, 2010 Posted October 4, 2010 Tigress, I believe this right here is a great example of a communication issue. You started to freak out, but you have not asked him about it, so you really have no idea what BBW was doing on his computer. For all you know it could have been a friend who did the BBW search. I really think you should have asked him about it. You don't even have to be accusing, you could have asked him in a joking or nonchalant way. Asking him would have cleared things up and possibly saved you the pain of self evaluating and digging up not so good memories. Start good communication with him now instead of internalizing, it will benefit you both in the long run. As to your question, honestly, when I look at porn I DO tend to look at the opposite of what I'm attracted to. I don't know why, but I do. My boyfriend basically looks at what he is attracted to, but usually their assets are much more exagerrated.
johan Posted October 4, 2010 Posted October 4, 2010 It wouldn't hurt you to toughen up a bit. You can't let things like this get to you so much. A guy is spending his entire weekend with you because he's so into you. You let all that get wiped out of your mind by some dumb thing you found on his computer.
Author tigressA Posted October 4, 2010 Author Posted October 4, 2010 Tigress, I believe this right here is a great example of a communication issue. You started to freak out, but you have not asked him about it, so you really have no idea what BBW was doing on his computer. For all you know it could have been a friend who did the BBW search. I really think you should have asked him about it. You don't even have to be accusing, you could have asked him in a joking or nonchalant way. Asking him would have cleared things up and possibly saved you the pain of self evaluating and digging up not so good memories. Start good communication with him now instead of internalizing, it will benefit you both in the long run. As to your question, honestly, when I look at porn I DO tend to look at the opposite of what I'm attracted to. I don't know why, but I do. My boyfriend basically looks at what he is attracted to, but usually their assets are much more exagerrated. I didn't even think of asking him about it. The reaction I had was really instantaneous. I'm glad he knows nothing about it. And I know I would be too embarrassed to bring it up with him, so I won't. I just...I just needed to get it out here. I still feel embarrassed about my reaction to the whole thing. I really internalized it emotionally. Logically I was fine, but my emotions just went into overdrive and I was doing 85 on Soap Opera Highway.
Art_Critic Posted October 4, 2010 Posted October 4, 2010 Where did you type the B ? In the url area at the top or in the google window ? If in the url area he has the webpage bookmarked.. if in the google window if could be very old.. or using google analytics to guess what you are typing based on his past searches. I think in either case you ought to just ask him... no harm no foul in asking...
Author tigressA Posted October 4, 2010 Author Posted October 4, 2010 I just went back through my post, logically, and I know I was just being a total idiot about it. I even told myself this inside my head when I was reacting but I couldn't make myself stop. I just had to get it out. I knew if I didn't then it would fester inside me and I would feel even worse. I likely would've brought it up with him as well, and it would've gone very badly. I learned that if I have an intense reaction to something that I just have to let it happen or things just turn to total s*it later. I do make the point of delaying reactions if I'm with someone. I find time to express it later, in private, and I feel better.
eerie_reverie Posted October 4, 2010 Posted October 4, 2010 As a chick who watches porn, I can tell you that what I search for has no bearing on what I find attractive in real life. Also, maybe he was googling buffalo wild wings?? I invite all my friends to "BBW" every week.
LisaLee Posted October 4, 2010 Posted October 4, 2010 I didn't even think of asking him about it. The reaction I had was really instantaneous. I'm glad he knows nothing about it. And I know I would be too embarrassed to bring it up with him, so I won't. I just...I just needed to get it out here. I still feel embarrassed about my reaction to the whole thing. I really internalized it emotionally. Logically I was fine, but my emotions just went into overdrive and I was doing 85 on Soap Opera Highway. Oh, you silly. I remember when I first realized my SO was looking at porn. Yes, yes, all men look at porn... but if you knew my boyfriend you would say he's an exception. He can be quite the fuddy duddy, so I was SHOCKED when I found out he looked at porn. Albeit the pics he looks at are far from hardcore, but I had a very similar reaction. Initially I felt I was not attractive enough for him, but the I asked him to show me the kind of porn he looks at. I asked him the frequency and duration as well. My emotions were on overdrive for a few days... simply because I was so shocked... but I got over it. Don't fret so much... And I know I would be too embarrassed to bring it up with him, so I won't. You can always bring it up if you guys ever have a "Tell me one of your secrets" conversation.
Art_Critic Posted October 4, 2010 Posted October 4, 2010 Then at one time or another he bookmarked it... That doesn't mean he frequents the page though.. I only go back to about half of the webpages I bookmark.. but I will bookmark them "just in case" You should have clicked the link.. maybe it was just a movie that a friend sent him or a movie he uses for "you know" or maybe he bookmarked it and has never gone back to it. I seriously have bookmarks 7-10 years old that I never go back to.. and some I do...some work related and some not..
whichwayisup Posted October 4, 2010 Posted October 4, 2010 Okay, you feel bad and this touched a sore spot with you, rightfully so. But, his porn searches have nothing to do with you, or how you look. Don't make it about you. Men are turned on by visually just about anything in a skirt! If it has boobs and a p*ssy - Boom! He loves YOU. I'm going to write you a PM so check it soon.
Art_Critic Posted October 4, 2010 Posted October 4, 2010 Don't fret so much... You can always bring it up if you guys ever have a "Tell me one of your secrets" conversation. This.........
Art_Critic Posted October 4, 2010 Posted October 4, 2010 Okay, you feel bad and this touched a sore spot with you, rightfully so. But, his porn searches have nothing to do with you, or how you look. Don't make it about you. Really..really..really good post......
Mike B. Posted October 4, 2010 Posted October 4, 2010 Please do not bring this up to him. Can a guy just have a fantasy? Many times fanstasies are simply just that and are not ever meant to be actually made into reality but it's still nice to just fantasize. Besides, someone could have been using his PC just like you and searched for BBWs. I am dating a few women currently. You wouldn't be able to pin down my preference if you happened to bump into me during any of my dates. If you saw me on Friday, you would think that I prefere blonde BBWs. If you saw me on Thursday, you would think that I prefer skinny redheads. If you saw me yesterday, you would think that I prefer older brunettes. If you saw me last Wednesday, you would think that I prefer Asians. I just like women and maybe your boyfriend just like women but he obviously likes you the most since he is with you. Let that be enough. If he did put in the search for BBWs, it is futile to get him to stop wanting to look this stuff up. You can't take away or run off a person's fantasy and it is crazy to think that you can or to even convince someone that it is wrong for them to have them. He is with you and that's all that matters.
Author tigressA Posted October 4, 2010 Author Posted October 4, 2010 That's true, Eerie, but I know that couldn't be the case, due to what I stumbled upon. LL, you're right. I'm not fretting so much about it anymore; I'm just bugged by the massive stomachache I have now from eating so much. One thing that I left out was that there were a couple of times when C made some seemingly innocuous comments about my build, suggesting that I'd look even better "filled out" a bit more. I remember I took that rather personally and lashed out at him, ranting about how I dealt with that f*cking s*it for most of my entire f*cking life and if he ever said anything like that to me again I'd...blah blah blah. That stuff is still a trigger for me because I dealt with it for so long. I actually have put on at least 15 pounds since May and have for the most part kept it on. I do actually think I look better than I did before the gain. My boobs are bigger. I think that's also why I took it personally: it was like, "I've already put on weight, sheesh!"
Mike B. Posted October 4, 2010 Posted October 4, 2010 My boobs are bigger. There you go! This is always a nice plus.
threebyfate Posted October 4, 2010 Posted October 4, 2010 You look awesome as you are! Don't let him push you into unnecessary weight gain that you'll regret, since your body will feel terrible with the extra poundage.
Author tigressA Posted October 4, 2010 Author Posted October 4, 2010 Mike B., I know. I would never ever ever in a million years even suggest that a guy I was with stop looking up/watching porn. I am aware that most if not all men look at porn. I just hadn't really been confronted with it before, it briefly touched a sore spot due to past deeply-imbedded body insecurities, I reacted. I asked those questions because while I know men look at porn, I didn't know if their preferences in that ran to their preferences in real life. And I know that shouldn't matter either because "He's with me and that's what matters" but I wanted some advice. I was feeling badly. I'm feeling much better about it now though, much in part to those who've posted.
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