I have some questions

[Ruby Slippers]

Didn't another of your threads begin with you finding something during a search on his computer? Maybe you should stop using his computer, or use different search engines when you do, since you seem to keep finding info that makes you feel bad.

 

This was obviously a trigger for pain that goes way back.

 

And I think you really like this guy and you're scared it's not going to work out. The stakes are higher, so insignificant things like this feel more serious. But really, this is most likely insignificant.

 

I definitely know how you feel, though. I was using my ex's computer once, and when I started typing something in, it auto-filled with an actress's name. (This was before Google's new auto-completion feature, so it meant he had done a search on the name.) When I saw it, I imagined him searching for pictures of her and felt sick to my stomach. Purely emotional reaction, but there it was. I was quiet all afternoon, but I didn't tell him why. I just never used his computer again.

[OceanGirl]

I have observed that in general Indian men seem to like larger women

 

BTW you are super hot as you are

[tigressA]

You look awesome as you are! Don't let him push you into unnecessary weight gain that you'll regret, since your body will feel terrible with the extra poundage.

 

I would never let him or anyone else push me into weight gain--not anymore. There were times I felt so bad from all the negative comments I received about my figure from total strangers, friends, and even family that I would deliberately stuff myself. I would gorge on food. I made myself sick; I would often have severe stomachaches and diarrhea. Some foods that used to be my favorites I can't even really look at anymore without feeling sick because I remember stuffing myself with them in what seemed to be a futile effort to gain more weight and be "pretty".

 

The gain that I experienced recently came really naturally. The hours in the day at which I ate/how often I ate changed dramatically from when I was in school. When I was in school I was usually so busy that I delayed eating and would eat twice a day at the most, but more often just once. Most of the things in my pantry had to be prepared, and pretty often I felt too tired/lazy to cook. With my job I have a much more relaxed schedule, and anything I want to eat is within easy reach.

 

RS, you're right about the computer thing. I don't think I'll be using it for awhile, or ever again. And I do really like him. Well, I love him. That's what my signature says. In Hindi.

[tigressA]

The more time I spend with him, the more I realize how different we are. I just looked up the "5 love languages" and I am definitely all about physical touch. I crave it, in and out of the bedroom--kisses, hand-holding, hugs, cuddling. I've complained before about not getting to see him very often. Most of the time it's me initiating sex: I'll make overtures with physical touch as soon as we're under the covers. He makes me feel so turned-on all the time; I just want to live in bed with him. I think that's another reason I reacted the way I did: he isn't all about physical affection like I am, and that combined with what I found, and the negative trigger from my past, equals Explosive Soap Opera Reaction.

 

He's definitely more about quality time/words of affirmation. He's complained about me being "quiet". When he came in last night after being on the phone I had been somewhat P/A and expressed annoyance at him having been out there so long. He said, "Why didn't you say something before I left? You could've just said 'I want you to stay here with me' and I would've done that. But you were sitting there with your book and you said it was okay, so I left." I'm starting to realize that physical touch doesn't elicit nearly as much of an emotional reaction from him as much as me being open and expressing my desire to spend time with him, and talk with him. And he's starting to get that I'm the opposite. Before, he wouldn't cuddle with me after sex, but this weekend, and the last weekend I was there, he held me until we fell asleep.

[gypsy_nicky]

The more time I spend with him, the more I realize how different we are. I just looked up the "5 love languages" and I am definitely all about physical touch. I crave it, in and out of the bedroom--kisses, hand-holding, hugs, cuddling. I've complained before about not getting to see him very often. Most of the time it's me initiating sex: I'll make overtures with physical touch as soon as we're under the covers. He makes me feel so turned-on all the time; I just want to live in bed with him. I think that's another reason I reacted the way I did: he isn't all about physical affection like I am, and that combined with what I found, and the negative trigger from my past, equals Explosive Soap Opera Reaction.

 

He's definitely more about quality time/words of affirmation. He's complained about me being "quiet". When he came in last night after being on the phone I had been somewhat P/A and expressed annoyance at him having been out there so long. He said, "Why didn't you say something before I left? You could've just said 'I want you to stay here with me' and I would've done that. But you were sitting there with your book and you said it was okay, so I left." I'm starting to realize that physical touch doesn't elicit nearly as much of an emotional reaction from him as much as me being open and expressing my desire to spend time with him, and talk with him. And he's starting to get that I'm the opposite. Before, he wouldn't cuddle with me after sex, but this weekend, and the last weekend I was there, he held me until we fell asleep.

 

you'd be surprised how often this happens to people when the passion wanes a little and they start to see the other more clearly and objectively.

 

Just be aware that you don't start losing yourself in this relationship as this thread implies (over porn???, and yes some guys like BBW's but wouldn't touch them irl, its a fantasy). It seems that your boyfriend's behavior, actions etc somehow are related to you when in fact they're not. Your bf chose you, for being you, so why lose yourself and try to mold yourself into something you think he wants you to be??!! Relationships are a risk because we don't really know if they last but hey, why lose yourself for one.... I wouldn't. Just enjoy it.

 

Any guy that sees this behavior will start taking you for granted.

Edited October 4, 2010 by gypsy_nicky

[tigressA]

you'd be surprised how often this happens to people when the passion wanes a little and they start to see the other more clearly and objectively.

 

Just be aware that you don't start losing yourself in this relationship as this thread implies (over porn???, and yes some guys like BBW's but wouldn't touch them irl, its a fantasy). It seems that your boyfriend's behavior, actions etc somehow are related to you when in fact they're not. Your bf chose you, for being you, so why lose yourself and try to mold yourself into something you think he wants you to be??!!

 

Any guy that sees this behavior will start taking you for granted.

 

Oh, I know. I don't think that the thread implied I'm losing myself in the relationship. As I said, seeing that was a negative trigger for things that happened in my past. That was the primary catalyst in my reaction. I'm not trying to mold myself into something he may want me to be. I know he just wants me to be myself. I'm just trying to understand myself better, and in turn understand him better.

 

When we had our little argument last night, he said point-blank that he felt like I care nothing about him beyond him being a pretty piece of flesh to f*ck. That really shocked me. It hammered home the differences between us. I was holding back, sure, but at the same time I thought I was doing fine with at least letting him know that I cared. But he made it clear that I wasn't. And since he said that I looked back for other instances and he had brought it up before: saying that I only really seemed into things when we were having sex, that I didn't really seem to want to get to know him as a person.

 

I think my intense desire for physical affection/sex was a major contributor to my reaction to what I found. I irrationally connected what I thought, because of my high desire, was his "lack" of desire for physical affection to the idea that perhaps I wasn't his "type". But I realized it's not like that at all. The posts here have helped me to realize that it's just fantasy. Also, I now know that he's been feeling neglected emotionally. I didn't see the obvious signs because I was so absorbed in having my own needs met.

[eerie_reverie]

You guys argue so much.

 

I'm not saying it's necessarily unhealthy. You do seem to learn a lot about each other that way.

 

But I've never experienced a relationship with so much... discussion.

[tigressA]

Yeah, I got the memo on that jamesum. And I don't intend to do anything about it. I have no desire to do anything about it. Or did you miss when I said that?

 

Eerie, I know. It sounds like we argue "a lot", but we really don't. It's just that we rarely get to see each other (it's been every other weekend), and of course being in each other's physical presence is so different from talking on the phone or even over webcam. We do tend to have misunderstandings when we're together in person as opposed to other times, but we work them out, we learn more about ourselves and each other, and we use that knowledge constructively. I would rather have that than have a relationship wherein absolutely everything was smooth sailing.

[Star Gazer]

Where were you typing? I use Google Chrome, and when I start typing up there in the search feature, random sh*t comes up that I've never searched before. It's just trying to find what I'm typing quickly... It's hard to tell what's my search history vs. what it's thinking I'm looking for...

[tigressA]

Where were you typing? I use Google Chrome, and when I start typing up there in the search feature, random sh*t comes up that I've never searched before. It's just trying to find what I'm typing quickly... It's hard to tell what's my search history vs. what it's thinking I'm looking for...

 

I was typing in the URL bar. There was a specific website that came up, as well as a Google search result page.

[Star Gazer]

I was typing in the URL bar. There was a specific website that came up, as well as a Google search result page.

 

That's where I type too, in Google Chrome... that's where the search feature is, right there in the URL bar. Does he have Google Chrome?

[tigressA]

That's where I type too, in Google Chrome... that's where the search feature is, right there in the URL bar. Does he have Google Chrome?

 

No, he doesn't have Google Chrome. To clarify, what I meant by "Google search result page" was that it was the URL for a page of search results. That's how I knew there was a deliberate, specific search. That was what got to me the most.

[Kamille]

Then at one time or another he bookmarked it...

That doesn't mean he frequents the page though.. I only go back to about half of the webpages I bookmark.. but I will bookmark them "just in case"

 

 

My URL, in Safari, will keep pages I visited once in URL memory. I don't have to bookmark anything. So it could be he visited the page once and it is now part of his computer's memory.

 

Oh, I know. I don't think that the thread implied I'm losing myself in the relationship. As I said, seeing that was a negative trigger for things that happened in my past. That was the primary catalyst in my reaction. I'm not trying to mold myself into something he may want me to be. I know he just wants me to be myself. I'm just trying to understand myself better, and in turn understand him better.

 

When we had our little argument last night, he said point-blank that he felt like I care nothing about him beyond him being a pretty piece of flesh to f*ck. That really shocked me. It hammered home the differences between us. I was holding back, sure, but at the same time I thought I was doing fine with at least letting him know that I cared. But he made it clear that I wasn't. And since he said that I looked back for other instances and he had brought it up before: saying that I only really seemed into things when we were having sex, that I didn't really seem to want to get to know him as a person.

 

 

Judging from this thread and a few of your past threads, it makes sense that he feels disconnected from you at times. Here's a man who says he loves you, you have a complete melt-down about your body while he's talking to his parents on the phone, and yet, instead of telling him what's on your mind, you act like the length of the call bothered you. By not opening up to him and communicating about this, you are actively keeping him at arm's length.

 

Showing you care is not only about expressing you care about him, it's also letting him know you care enough about the relationship to share important information with him. It's allowing him to care about you.

[gypsy_nicky]

When we had our little argument last night, he said point-blank that he felt like I care nothing about him beyond him being a pretty piece of flesh to f*ck. That really shocked me.

 

tell him if he wants his emotional needs met he can keep looking at bbw porn lol. jking.

 

I cant really see a problem on your part. What's his problem of thinking he's only being used for sex?? Many guys would love it if they're gf's are more physically affectionate or love sex. Maybe your dude has emotional problems and needs a 'mommy'.

 

Its good that your able to rationalize that his behavior or most of it, has no bearing on you or that you shouldn't feel inadequate or live up to it because of it.

 

Are you generally aloof in relationships?

[tigressA]

Kamille, he hasn't said he loves me. Just...FYI.

 

Anyway, I know I am still keeping him at arm's length. I've kept everyone at arm's length in my romantic relationships. I'm still in this vicious cycle. He has absolutely no idea what my meltdown was really about. I had told him I was crying--even if I hadn't he would've known from how my face looked; I hadn't bothered to clean myself up much aside from the snot and my eyes were still puffy. I instead ended up making up something related to what our past misunderstandings have been about, saying I was aloof because I was scared, blah blah. And now I don't ever want to bring this up with him because I'm so embarrassed by it. I just want to get over it.

[Kamille]

And now I don't ever want to bring this up with him because I'm so embarrassed by it. I just want to get over it.

 

What is it that you're so embarrassed about?

[tigressA]

What is it that you're so embarrassed about?

 

I'm embarrassed that I found that on his computer. I'm embarrassed that I let it get to me so much, that I had a total freakout about it. I almost didn't post about it. I thought back on my reaction and thought it was rather strange. Even with my past issues I doubt I would've been so affected as to sob over it for over an hour and get myself drunk.

Edited October 4, 2010 by tigressA

[Kamille]

I'm embarrassed that I found that on his computer. I'm embarrassed that I let it get to me so much, that I had a total freakout about it. I almost didn't post about it. I thought back on my reaction and thought it was rather strange. Even with my past issues I doubt I would've been so affected as to sob over it for over an hour and get myself drunk.

 

I don't think there is anything strange about your reaction, given your past and how much you care for this man. I don't think there is anything to be ashamed of. I assume he knows you use his computer? It's not like you were snooping. You simply noticed something.

 

Do you feel safe in this relationship? What do you think would happen if you told him the truth about what happened?

[sweetjasmine]

That's how I knew there was a deliberate, specific search. That was what got to me the most.

 

I don't know, I get the impression that you might be filling in the blanks, here. If it was just the acronym that he googled, it could've been anything. When I see acronyms on here that I don't recognize, I google them, so if he was doing something like that, it wouldn't be out of the ordinary if he then clicked on one of the result pages out of curiosity.

[tigressA]

I think if I talked to him about it, he would be upset that I was feeling upset. He's said before that he feels bad when I'm unhappy about something in the relationship/unhappy with him. I think he would tell me that I was worried over nothing, that of course he thinks I'm beautiful.

 

I said something last night that was SO unbelievably insecure. I regretted it the very second it came from my mouth. I felt so incredibly ridiculous. I blame the alcohol. It was after he said he felt like I cared nothing for him. I said, "You seem so unhappy with me. If you're really unhappy, if you don't want to see me anymore, just tell me right now. Just tell me."

 

And he got really upset then. He said, "Where the f*ck did this come from? Why are you thinking that way? Didn't I tell you that if I didn't want you for whatever reason I would tell you? I wouldn't be awake right now wanting to resolve this with you at 3:30 in the morning if I didn't want you, if I didn't care about you. I'm sorry you're upset, but I don't know why you act like this. You told me just a few minutes ago that you were upset before I even left. Why didn't you say something then? I would've stayed here, we would've talked it out. But instead you had to sit and stew and get yourself drunk, and end up creating a scene about something that could've been resolved much earlier. Why do you do things like this? Where does it come from? I care about you but I'm getting sick of this."

 

I wonder if I push him to the brink of tolerance like this just so I know he really cares. It's like I think that if he would've just rolled over and said, "F*ck this, I'm tired, we're not talking about this anymore" that he didn't care about me. It's like I think that if he will stay up until all hours hashing things out then he really cares. I pushed it to the limit last night, I think. That was the first time he said "I'm getting sick of this".

Edited October 4, 2010 by tigressA

[Kamille]

I said something last night that was SO unbelievably insecure. I regretted it the very second it came from my mouth. I felt so incredibly ridiculous. I blame the alcohol. It was after he said he felt like I cared nothing for him. I said, "You seem so unhappy with me. If you're really unhappy, if you don't want to see me anymore, just tell me right now. Just tell me."

 

And he got really upset then. He said, "Where the f*ck did this come from? Why are you thinking that way? Didn't I tell you that if I didn't want you for whatever reason I would tell you? I wouldn't be awake right now wanting to resolve this with you at 3:30 in the morning if I didn't want you, if I didn't care about you. I'm sorry you're upset, but I don't know why you act like this. You told me just a few minutes ago that you were upset before I even left. Why didn't you say something then? I would've stayed here, we would've talked it out. But instead you had to sit and stew and get yourself drunk, and end up creating a scene about something that could've been resolved much earlier. Why do you do things like this? Where does it come from? I care about you but I'm getting sick of this."

 

What if, the second you saw the BWW address, you had given yourself the right to talk to him about it and to tell him that it made you feel insecure?

 

 

I think if I talked to him about it, he would be upset that I was feeling upset. He's said before that he feels bad when I'm unhappy about something in the relationship/unhappy with him. I think he would tell me that I was worried over nothing, that of course he thinks I'm beautiful.

 

Given that he would be upset because he cares about your well-being, that reaction sounds all right to me. Not ideal, but all right. Plus, you would have gotten exactly what you needed: reassurance that he thinks you're beautiful and chooses to be with you. Why didn't you want to bring it up then?

 

In order for each of you to be able to cater to each other's happiness, you have to be able to talk about upsetting events. You have to be able to express negative thoughts. It might make him feel bad, but if the situation was reversed, wouldn't you rather know what was going on so that you knew how to fix it?

Edited October 4, 2010 by Kamille

[tigressA]

I didn't want to bring it up with him because I knew I would start crying, and I hate crying. I hate crying most when it's in front of other people. It makes me feel weak and stupid. So I chose to get out what I could while he was outside. And I made him believe it was about him being outside talking to his parents for so long because I knew I could keep my composure then. I knew I wouldn't cry about that. I feel like if I ever brought this issue up to him that I would start crying, and I refuse to do that in front of anyone.

 

I have such a complex about it that even after I had a miscarriage almost 3 years ago, and I was with one of my best friends, telling her about it, I went into another room to cry. I refused to let her follow me. I didn't come back in to her until I was composed again.

[tigressA]

What I just said about crying reminded me of an episode from my favorite TV show, Buffy. Season 5, "I Was Made to Love You". The gang encounters a strange woman named April who they later figure out is a robot, searching for her creator, some creepy geek named Warren. He created her to be his "girlfriend"--he made her to be absolutely perfect, or what he thought his idea of perfect was. But he grew bored with her and fell in love with someone else. Anyway, there's a scene where April says, "Crying is blackmail." That's kind of how I feel about it. I don't know why. I don't feel like I have to be C's robot to impress him or make him care about me, but I still feel so frightened at really opening up. There's a scale, IMO. And I'm still very much on the lower end.

 

In the morning when we woke up things were so much better. It was almost like the bad parts of the night didn't happen. When he was showering, I tidied up a little for him. He came back out, noticed and gave me a big hug and a kiss, saying (with his really dishy smile on), "Thank you, I really appreciate this. You're really a great girl. You drive me nuts sometimes and I lose sleep, but you're a great girl."

[Kamille]

I didn't want to bring it up with him because I knew I would start crying, and I hate crying. I hate crying most when it's in front of other people. It makes me feel weak and stupid. So I chose to get out what I could while he was outside. And I made him believe it was about him being outside talking to his parents for so long because I knew I could keep my composure then. I knew I wouldn't cry about that. I feel like if I ever brought this issue up to him that I would start crying, and I refuse to do that in front of anyone.

 

I have such a complex about it that even after I had a miscarriage almost 3 years ago, and I was with one of my best friends, telling her about it, I went into another room to cry. I refused to let her follow me. I didn't come back in to her until I was composed again.

 

My goal here is to try to find a good coping mechanism for you so that you don't feel embarassed about expressing your own emotions. In my case, I'm learning to give myself the right to express them. It was hard at first, but my therapist encouraged me to bring up issues with people. To my surprise, people are incredibly open to listening to me and to compromising and negotiating with me. Issues get solved and, more importantly, I feel better in my friendships and relationships. Now, when I get upset, my first reflex is to say: "ok, I grant myself the right to talk about this when I feel ready to talk about it". Since I now know how much better it is to communicate than bottle things in, this actually helps me calm down. But I'm still not good at communicating on the spot. I usually need a few hours to figure out why I'm upset and how I want to express it. But granting myself the right to communicate about it at some point calms me down.

 

So what about bringing it up now that you've calmed down and have a better understanding of your reaction?

 

I mean, say a similar situation presents itself. Could you simply tell your bf, listen, I'm upset about "this event" but I need some time to figure out why I'm upset before being able to talk about it. Could we forget about it for now and I promise we can talk about it at a later time?

Edited October 4, 2010 by Kamille

[tigressA]

Ugh, that's EXACTLY how I am! It's impossible for me to communicate on the spot without feeling like I'm just completely spazzing out! This is one thing that C doesn't understand about me. He doesn't understand why I feel I can't just come out and say "I'm upset about _______." Or "Please don't do ______; it makes me feel ______."

 

I think that things would be SO much better if I learned how to say something made me upset, but that I need some time to think about exactly why so that I can effectively communicate. Basically what he gets annoyed/upset by is me acting like nothing is wrong and then it all coming out hours later, and in a bad way on top of that. If I let him know right away that something is wrong, but I need some time to think about it before I can talk, he would understand me much better, and wouldn't be frustrated. Me learning to do this would really, really improve things for myself, and in the relationship.

Edited October 4, 2010 by tigressA