Getting A Woman That Has A Boyfriend?

[Jeff M Stevens]

I don't know if its the forbidden fruit thing or just circumstances but I see a lot of guys pursuing women that are in committed relationships. In many cases the woman encourages it because things might not be the same with her beau anymore.

 

I say its a waste of time for 3 reasons:

 

1. If she did it to him, she'll do it to you. I think guys can't see that if she left her boyfriend to be with them, then at some point, when they're the boyfriend, they'll be in the exact same position. If she has low integrity, she'll always have low integrity

 

or

 

2. I'm willing to give some women the benefit of the doubt and say that maybe they're in a bad situation with a bad guy. Maybe its not lack of integrity but just a horrible set of circumstances for her. Two things are working there...either are not good. She either picked a bad guy because there is something wrong with her OR she is a good girl that did nothing wrong but now is entangled with an idiot------either way its a mess. I know I don't want to step into a mess when I'm just dating!

 

and

 

3. Whether the situation is #1 or #2 above, no matter what, in 2010, some guys don't settle things with their fists, they settle things with guns or knives. Again, for just a dating situation, I'm not putting myself in harm's way!

 

Feel free to weigh in

[Sivok]

I decided to pursue someone who told me she was dating someone else originally. Later on, she told me that it didn't work out with that guy, but that didn't keep her from raving about a gay best friend.

 

Two months down the line, that gay best friend was the guy she originally told me about - who had turned into her boyfriend - and she was cheating on him with me.

 

In other words, not worth it. At all. Maybe build chemistry to catch her on the rebound, but don't try and sabotage a relationship. Against the bro code imo

[Sphere]

I only pursue single women.

 

Ironically enough it's only the taken women who are forward, single women for some reason just sit there and do nothing.

[Woggle]

If a man just wants sex a married woman or a woman in a relationship is very easy to get into bed. If he wants a relationship he is a fool because she will do the same to him.

[alexlakeman]

It's a rush! That's why u date a married woman or with a bf. I've dated long term (6+ mths to a couple of yrs) 3 married women, and dated / been with a few more with bf's. I haven't looked for it; it just happends; they're unhappy, not satisfied, learn to trust me, etc.

 

Certainly I had no "relationship" nor long term plans with any of them.

 

The challenge and the kill is a rush. Hearing them tell the husband that they're going to be late while in bed with u is a blast. Imagining when they go home and make out with the bf or hubby after I came in their mouths is exilerating.

[collegeguy_24]

Thats what happened to me, a guy [pursued my GF when she was dating me, then as soon as she broke up with me, he asked her out the day after and now they are together. It sucks.

 

3. Whether the situation is #1 or #2 above, no matter what, in 2010, some guys don't settle things with their fists, they settle things with guns or knives. Again, for just a dating situation, I'm not putting myself in harm's way!

 

Feel free to weigh in

 

For the quote above, I've been tempted, a lot. Especially since every time I see him he gives me that smirk that says he won.

 

Because I know whats it like to lose someone because of someone else, I would never pursue a woman who was taken. Unless she was dating the guy who took my GF away from me, I would just to watch him suffer.

[Sphere]

Collegeguy24, without sounding out of line, you have to accept that the reasons she split up with you are because of you, not because of the other guy. You'll see that one day. I've been dumped before and used to point the finger elsewhere until I discovered that the reasons I was dumped was simple, I wasn't what she wanted anymore.

[collegeguy_24]

Collegeguy24, without sounding out of line, you have to accept that the reasons she split up with you are because of you, not because of the other guy. You'll see that one day. I've been dumped before and used to point the finger elsewhere until I discovered that the reasons I was dumped was simple, I wasn't what she wanted anymore.

 

Not to sound insulting, cause I know in text format things can be taken the wrong way, but I think your wrong. Some times in life its not the fault of the dumpee that the dumper left them. Nothing is ever that simple, there are always other reasons behind it.

 

Is it my fault my first ex left me cause she had an affair? No, cause she admitted the only reason she went out with me cause I was all that was left until that point in time. Thats not my fault.

 

Is it my fault my second ex left me? No, the other guy pursued her relentlessly, she admits it, until eventually she just couldn't say no. How is that my fault?

[Jeff M Stevens]

Sivok

Right on!

 

Sphere

It's ironic how that works, isn't it?

Woggle

Yup...right on...I wasn't talking about sex but talking about relationships

 

Alexlakeman

I'll repeat my response to Woggle...not about sex. I will say heaven help you if you ever fall for one of these low integrity creatures and I do worry about your safety in 2010 and beyond. There are certain guys that aren't wrapped real tight and you're playing with fire.

 

Collegeguy

I will have to respectfully submit it is your fault. In girl #1's case, you were the best thing "to that point in time?" Geez honey, don't do me any favors.....I would NEVER be serious with a woman that found me just ok as it sounds like she found you. In girl #2's case, there are women that are loyal to men that are deployed for 2 years in a foreign country and you would NEVER get them to cheat on their husbands or boyfriends no matter what because they have HIGH INTEREST level in their significant others.

 

I submit to you that you are choosing women that aren't that into you to begin with and/or they have low integrity so they are candidates to leave after being pursued. You need to find a girl that has HIGH INTEREST level in YOU so that they never even think of leaving you.

 

Sorry man, not trying to hammer you but it is for sure your fault and until you realize that you are going to keep getting your butt kicked in the dating scene.

[collegeguy_24]

On a side not, I do want to apologize if I seem rude and hot headed today, its not my normal behavior. I also don't want to hijack the thread, so I will explain my current circumstances so I do not come off as an a_hole.

For the past two weeks I have had very little to no sleep cause of nightmares and cause of my scool projects keeping me up late. Also, everywhere I go I see my exes new man and he gives me that smirk that say I won.

 

Its like everywhere, he just shows up. The only place of refuge is the mens room. I just want to hurt him so bad, but I think that's what he wants so I havent . So I hope that explains a bit.

[Jeff M Stevens]

#1: Its ASSAULT if you hurt the guy and you could be charged with a felony. It's not worth ruining your life for a woman that could care less about you.

 

#2: You are choosing the wrong women. If a woman can be taken away she's either got low integrity or low interest level. Its definitely your fault for being serious with someone like that.

 

Again..not trying to hammer you man...you seem like a good dude that deserves a good woman. I'm just trying to splash cold water in your face and wake you up to the fact that you need to move on and forget this low integrity/low interest level chick and not do anything stupid that would ruin your life!

[Sphere]

I notice that with a lot of women is that they'll behave one way when they pursue a woman and when they get that woman they then behave in an entirely different way and this backfires more often than not. The women is confused as to which side is his real side and she begins to lose attraction. Once attraction has been destroyed, it is very rarely restored.

 

So, if you aren't showing romantic gestures during the dating scene don't then start doing so in the relationship by showering a woman with gifts etc. It sends mixed messages, you need to show a woman your real personality to begin with. It's alright if you're a pick up artist, but not if you're in the dating game like I am to find a good woman for more than just sex.

[collegeguy_24]

Let me address some things here.

 

1: I won't beat the guy up, simply because I think thats what he wants, either to prove to my ex that I am a bad guy or things are not all happy in paradise. Plus I am trying to not sink to his level, I am a better man then that.

 

2: I have a thread dedicated to this, and Don Ho, my parent, friends, even my psychologist all say the same thing: They think she is afraid of commitment. My mom said that maybe she broke up with me because she realized all that she was saying made her scared. Even during our relationship, she expressed fear because of how her parents turned out, which is not pretty. I am inclined to believe that, if only a little as it is a plausible theory.

 

 

3: I never actually let up the romance, from when we started dating to when we broke up, I didn't change what I did. I gave her romance when we first started dating, and I gave it to her the day before she left me. That was a mistake I learned with my first ex. Once I had her I didn't keep up the routine that made her fall for me, and I didn't repeat that lesson with Jen, my second ex.

 

 

4: Why is it my fault again? Please explain this reasoning, cause its a habit I see all over this forum. I went and looked around, and it always seems that when a breakup occurs, its the guys fault. When the girl leaves him, its because he wasn't good enough and he should have changed for her. Yet when a guy leaves the girl, its because he is an a-hole and there is nothing wrong with the girl. women always seem to skirt responsibility, so please, go into detail about why its my fault, I am curious. I am sorry if I sound rude, but seeing all the guys being blamed on here, and it finally coming to me, pisses me off. But I am willing to read and listen to what is said.

 

Also to OP, sorry it seems I hijacked your thread unintentionally, if you want, we can take this to my thread that way your is focused on you.

[cuore_depresso]

It's a rush! That's why u date a married woman or with a bf. I've dated long term (6+ mths to a couple of yrs) 3 married women, and dated / been with a few more with bf's. I haven't looked for it; it just happends; they're unhappy, not satisfied, learn to trust me, etc.

 

Certainly I had no "relationship" nor long term plans with any of them.

 

The challenge and the kill is a rush. Hearing them tell the husband that they're going to be late while in bed with u is a blast. Imagining when they go home and make out with the bf or hubby after I came in their mouths is exilerating.

 

I cannot even begin to respond to this but...I sincerely hope you NEVER run across the wrong H or BF....your thrill can become chilling quickly.

[carhill]

I would agree, based on experience, that it is indeed a waste of time. Additionally, due to, IME, the propensity of *some* people to lie about their relationship status, one should be circumspect about investing emotionally even when all lights appear green. With some personality types, everything isn't always as it seems. Time reveals all truths.

 

TBH, up until I started dating online in my mid thirties (about 16 years ago), I rarely met a woman who was truly single. Some of the online potentials weren't either, but at least there were potentials holding themselves out publicly as single.

 

As a result of such experiences, I now expect a woman to have a boyfriend or husband until time and experience demonstrates otherwise. Perhaps a cynical viewpoint, but one borne of long life experience. This has proven to be a healthy perspective during my separation, avoiding emotional attachments to unavailable potentials.

 

Your points are well-taken, OP. Thanks

[Ruby Slippers]

My best boyfriend overall let me know while I was in a relationship with someone else, and he and I were just friends and music partners, that he was very interested. He knew I was having problems in the relationship and my boyfriend was making critical, hurtful comments toward me (and everything else -- he had issues).

 

So he let me know that he didn't want to interfere with my relationship, but said if I was looking for something that might work better for me, he wanted to be the first to know. He said if the relationship was solid, he wouldn't have said anything, but since it was shaky and I wasn't happy, he wanted to make it clear.

 

A year later, after a lot of work on the relationship that didn't really get us anywhere, critical, naysaying guy and I broke up, and six months after that, I was with the musician, with whom I had a bond 100 times more powerful, and who made me feel like a total babe. That one didn't work out, either, but now we are good friends and business partners kicking major butt on our biz. I've tried to keep in friendly contact with critical guy, but after the breakup, he spiraled down into further negativity and gloom, and eventually stopped e-mailing.

 

So, in my experience, it's a good idea to make your feelings known to someone who's taken, especially if you know they're not happy. Critical guy was great on paper, my friends were all crazy about him, and I was relatively inexperienced, so sometimes I thought maybe he was the best I could do. Good guy came along and reminded me that much, much more was possible for me. And to this day, I am thankful for that.

[Feelin Frisky]

I don't know if its the forbidden fruit thing or just circumstances but I see a lot of guys pursuing women that are in committed relationships. In many cases the woman encourages it because things might not be the same with her beau anymore.

 

I say its a waste of time for 3 reasons:

 

1. If she did it to him, she'll do it to you. I think guys can't see that if she left her boyfriend to be with them, then at some point, when they're the boyfriend, they'll be in the exact same position. If she has low integrity, she'll always have low integrity

 

or

 

2. I'm willing to give some women the benefit of the doubt and say that maybe they're in a bad situation with a bad guy. Maybe its not lack of integrity but just a horrible set of circumstances for her. Two things are working there...either are not good. She either picked a bad guy because there is something wrong with her OR she is a good girl that did nothing wrong but now is entangled with an idiot------either way its a mess. I know I don't want to step into a mess when I'm just dating!

 

and

 

3. Whether the situation is #1 or #2 above, no matter what, in 2010, some guys don't settle things with their fists, they settle things with guns or knives. Again, for just a dating situation, I'm not putting myself in harm's way!

 

Feel free to weigh in

 

And the puch line is: forget 1, 2 and 3 if she swallows.

[Jeff M Stevens]

1: I won't beat the guy up, simply because I think thats what he wants, either to prove to my ex that I am a bad guy or things are not all happy in paradise. Plus I am trying to not sink to his level, I am a better man then that.

Good, because you could end up with a felony and end up in state prison and never get a good job, plus she's not worth it. If she did it to you, she'll do it to him so he can walk around smirky if he wants but he'll be in your position someday or worse, he'll marry that low integrity person and she'll make him miserable for life

 

2: I have a thread dedicated to this, and Don Ho, my parent, friends, even my psychologist all say the same thing: They think she is afraid of commitment. My mom said that maybe she broke up with me because she realized all that she was saying made her scared. Even during our relationship, she expressed fear because of how her parents turned out, which is not pretty. I am inclined to believe that, if only a little as it is a plausible theory.

Again, I go back to your selection process. Why get involved with a girl that is afraid of commitment? Guys let their egos get in the way "My love will change her commitment issues and she will be different than she has been with her last 10 boyfriends" When you listen to your ego, it always lets you down. You cannot get past scars and baggage most of the time and that is what this girl sounds like she had

 

3: I never actually let up the romance, from when we started dating to when we broke up, I didn't change what I did. I gave her romance when we first started dating, and I gave it to her the day before she left me. That was a mistake I learned with my first ex. Once I had her I didn't keep up the routine that made her fall for me, and I didn't repeat that lesson with Jen, my second ex.

You must always maintain your relationship, you're right about that.

 

4: Why is it my fault again? Please explain this reasoning, cause its a habit I see all over this forum. I went and looked around, and it always seems that when a breakup occurs, its the guys fault. When the girl leaves him, its because he wasn't good enough and he should have changed for her. Yet when a guy leaves the girl, its because he is an a-hole and there is nothing wrong with the girl. women always seem to skirt responsibility, so please, go into detail about why its my fault, I am curious. I am sorry if I sound rude, but seeing all the guys being blamed on here, and it finally coming to me, pisses me off. But I am willing to read and listen to what is said.

I'm a guy that hosts a dating radio show dedicated to helping guys so I'm no man basher. I'm actually not a woman basher either. I'm about helping good men and good women stay in love. Having said that, it is your fault because of your SELECTION PROCESS.

 

If you get into a serious relationship with a woman that just thinks you're "ok" up to that point in her life as you did with girl #1 you described, then you are setting yourself up for disaster because you never fully have the girls heart. We teach guys to ONLY COMMIT TO WOMEN that have high integrity, no serious scars and baggage, flexible personalities and have HIGH INTEREST LEVEL IN US. You selected a girl that was just lukewarm on you to begin with and expected love to grow, which it didn't because unlike the movies, it normally doesn't!

 

As far as girl #2, she left you because she was badgered constantly by the new guy? WRONG. She left because she had low interest level in you OR she had low integrity. Probably both. Either way, it gets back to you committing yourself to a girl you had no chance with because she had low interest level/and-or low integrity.

 

It's like trying to win the Indianapolis 500 with a regular car. When you select the wrong girl to begin with you give yourself no chance.

 

Can't you see that? I'm not saying you did anything wrong in the relationship, per se, but it does sound like you selected the wrong women to fall in love with. Guys need to slow down and evaluate 2 important things:

 

1. What is her interest level in me?

2. How is she wired? High integrity? Flexible personality? Giver? Kind? Treat people well that she doesn't need? Good with animals?..............or is she materialistic, mean, inflexible, structured

 

You MUST have a kind flexible giver with high integrity that has high interest level in you to have a CHANCE.

 

First girl that cheated on you? Low interest level from the beginning and low integrity because she went behind your back

 

Second girl that cheated on you? Filled with commitment issues, had low interest level and then displayed low integrity

 

My man...you are zero for 2 in picking women.....not trying to hurt you here but if you don't look at the man in the mirror and reevaluate your evaluation process of these women, you are destined to repeat this same stuff, unless you get SUPER LUCKY.

 

I wish you well.

[Jeff M Stevens]

Sphere

You're right....guys need to learn to be consistent once a woman fall in love. I say in the first 60 days, evaluate her as much as she's evaluating you. No gifts, flowers, candy, or excessive compliments. See her only once a week. Never take her out on weekends unless she asks why you don't. You want to see how interested she is and women don't fall in love when you're in their faces. Show her a great time on dates and act like a perfect gentleman, sure but never reveal too much. Let her peel away the layers SLOWLY. When you're sure you have a good girl in love then shower her with gifts, affection, romance and fun times. Men tend to get women to fall in love but can't keep them in love. You made very good points.

 

Cuore Depresso

My thoughts exactly. Dude might end up in trunk someday thinking "was that girl really worth THIS???"

 

Carhill

Thanks as always for weighing in on my posts and there are a lot of great single girls out there. True, there are a lot of dudes floating around them but the guy they're really interested in can always get them to shoo away the others

 

Ruby Slippers

I liked the way the guy approached it. A little dangerous because you could have spilled the beans to your current boyfriend and he could have come after him with a knife or a gun. I'm not saying he would have but that's the risk you always run with all the whack jobs that are out there. What I like about what he did though is he didn't pursue you as long as you were taken...he expressed interest and you came to him when ready.

 

I was referring to the guys that pursue and get women that are already in relationships and they break the current relationship to be with them. That screams of low integrity to me

 

In your case, you knew of interest on his part, you were already broken up and the stars aligned.

 

I would say that since the musician sounds like a great guy and that you seem to have high interest level in him (plus you seem like you've got integrity), its got a great chance of working.

 

I wish you well!

Feelin Frisky

Well, you lived up to your name with that post. LOL! Thanks for adding some humor to my post

[Mad Max]

Jeff's advice is spot on, but I also agree with the poster that said women are not held accountable. Fact is they're usually not. Guy is an a**hole and POS, he gets blamed(and rightfully so). She cheats on him, he didn't keep her happy, his fault. Even when women make bad choices, they're not being held accountable and that fault lies with men.

[sanskrit]

IME so many women use a fake BF, or even fiancee or husband as a test, that until I'm sure he exists and the extent of their relationship, she's fair game until she out and out says "no."

 

Met a woman out this week, mid 20s, attractive. She starts chatting me and I chat back. I ask "are you married?" She says "Yes." Based on her tone and demeanor, I'm like "not happily?" She says no, that they are separated and in the process of finalizing a divorce. I didn't give my number or take hers, because aspects of her personality were not attractive to me, but the point is that it's obvious that she will use her marriage as a screen, though it's really dead and over. One guy she isn't sure about may hear that she is happily married, others may hear the "separated nearly divorced" story, still others may not even hear about her marriage at all, as she has no ring on. If it's a woman's prerogative to screen in this way, it's a man's to ignore it until he is sure it isn't just part of her normal "guy in bar" defense mechanism and her relationship is real.

 

Met a woman out a bit over a year ago. She approached my friend and me and began chatting us up, dropping in the "BF bomb" several times. "My BF this my BF that." We've all been there. Then lo and behold, my friend leaves, and she is like "I'm not really serious with this guy if you ever want to go out." Within a span of 20 minutes, she goes from BF to no BF.

 

I have dated at least two women who often wear fake engagements rings, and even showed them to me while we were dating. There are probably more, these two were the ones who revealed it.

 

I have been out with many platonic GFs over the years, guys approach them, they use the "BF bomb" freely, though I know for a fact they are either completely single or sleeping with an ex occasionally. Then, after the guy wanders off, she will ask me, "should I give that guy my number?" and it doesn't even register that they just told the guy they have a BF and giving their number would make them appear dishonest or seeking to cheat. Doesn't register at all.

 

In light of stuff like this going on, and apparently women feel like it's not really lying, if you exclude a woman just because she mentions some BF, you will be writing off LOTS of women by not pressing a bit and keeping the conversation going. Up to you whether you have enough options to write off that many instantly. Of course if you KNOW of the BF, that it isn't just some FWB or ex she is categorizing as a BF for bar-guy repellent, that is another matter entirely.

[Jeff M Stevens]

If you look at the major media, commercials, daytime shows, movies, etc, guys are made out to be BUFFOONS a lot of the time. I think its wrong to unfairly judge women AND men just because of a preconceived gender notion.

 

We are all HUMAN and there are bad humans and good humans. I know that is an overly simplistic way of stating a complex social problem but I've noticed that guys do get a lot of blame as you said.

 

I'm pretty bullish on dating and relationships, though. I think there are a lot of both GOOD men AND GOOD women out there.

 

They just have to find each other

[Mad Max]

In light of stuff like this going on, and apparently women feel like it's not really lying, if you exclude a woman just because she mentions some BF, you will be writing off LOTS of women by not pressing a bit and keeping the conversation going. Up to you whether you have enough options to write off that many instantly. Of course if you KNOW of the BF, that it isn't just some FWB or ex she is categorizing as a BF for bar-guy repellent, that is another matter entirely.

 

The only women you'd be writing off are the ones that are low quality. Quality women don't lie about stuff like that. And why would you want to get involved with a woman like you described anyway? The initial meeting was based on a lie and deception.

[Jeff M Stevens]

........but Mad Max took the words right out of my mouth!

 

[sanskrit]

The only women you'd be writing off are the ones that are low quality. Quality women don't lie about stuff like that. And why would you want to get involved with a woman like you described anyway? The initial meeting was based on a lie and deception.

 

None of these women I'm describing are "low quality," but if that is an intolerable level of lying for you, you certainly have the right to nix them.

 

Understand that many women do not have the same "straight line" black and white view of honesty that men have, and it doesn't necessarily make them "bad people." Women dye their hair, use makeup, fib about their age, weight, etc. There is often more deception in a woman's appearance than reality, and they don't see the BF bomb as a lie.