He hasn't responded to my text in 4 hours

[sweetjasmine]

But, up until now, he hasn't blown you off. Quite the opposite. He replies to your text in a timely fashion, keeps you informed of his plans and has agreed to a date on Tuesday. He's even told you he likes you. Now, sit back and relax.

 

Just curious, Sad, what exactly do you think a man should do to make you feel secure? What would this guy have to do so that you stop worrying about whether he likes you? Would he have to call you every hour to check up on you? See you every single day? Never leave your side? Tell you "I really like you, honest!" every day? Make you the center of his universe and neglect everything else in his life? ...after 3 dates?

 

He's out enjoying his trip with his friends, and you're sitting staring at the clock every time you send him a text, growing more anxious with each passing minute. So you stress out about it and get upset at yourself, but then what do you do? You ask if you should text him again? Really? So you can sit and stare at the clock for another several hours torturing yourself?

 

And what could you possibly text him to figure out whether he likes you this instant? "Do you like me?" ? If I were in his shoes, that would make me roll my eyes, since it'd come off as a sign of deep insecurity. It might make perfect sense to you to ask a question like that, but to him it would come completely out of the blue since he's not privy to the "does he like me? does he like me? does he like me?" dialogue in your mind.

 

From where I'm sitting, his actions seem normal and healthy. Yours don't. Do you realize that you're fabricating these problems in your mind? It's not making you feel better. It's making you more upset, anxious, and afraid. Ask yourself exactly what you're afraid of. Ask yourself how your fears and insecurities are affecting your perception and your actions. Ask yourself what the point is in reading his facebook to see where he's going and when. Ask yourself why you're sitting and obsessing while he's out living his life. Ask yourself why you wanted to check with him before deciding on seeing your friends.

 

If he called tomorrow morning and said he wanted to see you Thursday, Friday, and Saturday, what would you do? Would you drop everything you're doing to accommodate him? Why is it so absolutely important to you that a man like you, to the point where you're an emotional wreck when you're not sure if he does?

[loverofloveandstuff]

whaaaa??? I can't believe your former 'friend' would do that!

[SadandConfusedWA]

whaaaa??? I can't believe your former 'friend' would do that!

 

 

On the top of all my problems, imagine that... I was so stressed that I couldn't eat or sleep for days. He read all my threads and we went out on few more dates AFTER he read it all. But the seed that I could be "crazy" has been planted. Mind you, my subsequent actions and over-reactions didn't help matters.

[Kamille]

I guess even if this guy is blowing me off, it's not the end of the world.

 

The truth is, I barely know him.

 

I am now considering going out with the brand new OKC guy over the weekend...but am kind of thinking I should maybe lay off the dating?!

 

Definitely not the end of the world.

 

Don't you already have plans with your girlfriends this weekend? As to whether you should date someone else this weekend or not... Do what feels right to you. I know that in your shoes, what would feel right to me is to plan a great night out with my friends, a great run on Sunday, and a comedy night on the night I'm free. The last thing I would want in my life is more boy-drama.

[SadandConfusedWA]

Definitely not the end of the world.

 

Don't you already have plans with your girlfriends this weekend? As to whether you should date someone else this weekend or not... Do what feels right to you. I know that in your shoes, what would feel right to me is to plan a great night out with my friends, a great run on Sunday, and a comedy night on the night I'm free. The last thing I would want in my life is more boy-drama.

 

 

I do have plans for Sat night, but not for other nights.

 

My head is spinning with all the boy-drama to be honest. I think I need a break.

[sugarmomma]

Just relax and Please DON'T call him on Tuesday. Let him be the one to confirm and you will be glad you did. and if he doesn't, Next his ass!!

 

 

:bunny::bunny:

Life is too short to be obsessing over some guy. I used to have it real bad about 10 years ago. Now I really don't care that much since Ihave no idea who that person is that I'm supposed to spend my life with. When he comes along it will be effortless and simple.

[SadandConfusedWA]

Just relax and Please DON'T call him on Tuesday. Let him be the one to confirm and you will be glad you did. and if he doesn't, Next his ass!!

 

 

:bunny::bunny:

Life is too short to be obsessing over some guy. I used to have it real bad about 10 years ago. Now I really don't care that much since Ihave no idea who that person is that I'm supposed to spend my life with. When he comes along it will be effortless and simple.

 

Yep fully getting ready to next his ass. No chance of contacting him again.

 

You know when you have a really strong feeling that you are being strung along?

 

Say you are a nice preson and you have been out with someone a few times and don't want to see them again but you are not 100% sure... And then that person assumes that everything is OK and texts you asking to see you? You would do EXACTLY what this guy did. At least I would.

 

You would buy some time to decide fully and/or see how other opiton(s) pan out.

[sweetjasmine]

Yep fully getting ready to next his ass.

 

Okay. What did he do wrong? What should he have done differently?

[Chocolat]

After the third date, I started to REALLY like him. That's when I got very insecure because there is suddenly more at stake. Instead of keeping with the easy dynamic, I needed re-assurance that he is still interested and needed it NOW. And I got the opposite, which left me even more uneasy.

 

I think that part of what happens (for all of us, not just you) is that as our interest piques, we become more attuned to the natural ebb and flow of interaction. In the beginning, when you were lukewarm, you did not notice the times when he was less intense. Now that you have decided you are interested, you are scrutinizing his responses to determine whether he is as engaged as you are. When he is less than intense, you process it as disinterest.

 

Look, it could be that he is losing interest in you. But it also could be that he is away on holiday and distracted by what he is doing now. If he is not an obsessive type, he likely does not know your needs and has no idea that his laid back approach is causing you any sort of anxiety.

 

Hard as it is, try not to have any further contact with him nor actively write him off in your mind. Just let events unfold naturally. I know next week seems impossibly far off right now, but you will have your answer soon enough. Don't force it! You want what is real and natural, not what you corner into being.

 

 

Say you are a nice preson and you have been out with someone a few times and don't want to see them again but you are not 100% sure... And then that person assumes that everything is OK and texts you asking to see you? You would do EXACTLY what this guy did. At least I would.

 

I would also do exactly what this guy did if I thought I was in the early stages of a promising relationship. I would be feeling secure in the knowledge that I like him and he likes me and this would heighten my enjoyment of my vacation because I'd know I was going to be seeing him when I got back.

 

Don't assume that your interpretation is the only possible one. As I said above, you will find out soon enough what the deal is. Try to be neutral until then. Don't assume anything.

[donnamaybe]

I know Star, it's just a gut feeling. I have been jerked around so many times before...

 

I won't contact him anymore.

 

I would be willing to bet that I will never hear from him again.

But you HAVE these gut feelings because you just KNOW this guy isn't REALLY interested because you just don't think you're worth his interest. That is SO not true! Good gawd, I wish I could just shake the insecurity out of you!!!!

[Allisha]

I do have plans for Sat night, but not for other nights.

 

My head is spinning with all the boy-drama to be honest. I think I need a break.

 

 

I think you could be right.

 

However, you could just take it slowly and enjoy spending time with this guy.

 

I know past experiences can be difficult to overcome, but honestly, desperation and neediness can be sensed a mile away.

 

This guy seems like a cool guy, as he hasn't let you down so far, etc, but I can tell you, if you don't sort these insecurities out, guys will sense them and THAT is why they'll stop wanting to see you, not because they're all players. Don't get yourself into that cycle of proving your judgements correct by scaring them away.

 

Good luck.

[donnamaybe]

:( I am aware of my problems but changing yourself ain't easy.

Here's how you start: LISTEN to people on here who are all telling you the same thing. STOP texting him. Do what you want without a thought for him. He's on vacay with friends. LET HIM GO DURING THAT TIME! He WILL call you when he's back, or otherwise contact you. But if you keep bugging him during his time away, you ARE going to come across as desperate, and then he WON'T want to be with you.

 

If you can please PLEASE do these things, you will soon find out how WELL it works to just live your life and LET him be a part of it. Stop trying to fit him in like some kind of jigsaw puzzle piece where you feel something is missing. It will never work. You HAVE to try a different way, and once you see how much a guy really likes you if you just live your life and let him live his life you'll learn that just relaxing and LETTING things work out is the way to go.

 

But you have to try it first, or you'll never find out...

[shadowplay]

SAC, you know I do this kind of thing too, but even I think you're overreacting in this case.

 

None of us can get into his head, but it sounds like he probably is interested in you. He's away with his friends, so of course the amount of time between his responses will be greater. I mean if he's surfing, he can hardly have a cellphone attached to his body.

 

As the others have said, I would hold off on contacting him again or initiating anything more about your next date. But also don't beat yourself up about having done so already. You haven't ruined anything.

 

Has he gotten back to you about Tuesday btw?

[Kamille]

Yep fully getting ready to next his ass. No chance of contacting him again.

 

You know when you have a really strong feeling that you are being strung along?

 

Say you are a nice preson and you have been out with someone a few times and don't want to see them again but you are not 100% sure... And then that person assumes that everything is OK and texts you asking to see you? You would do EXACTLY what this guy did. At least I would.

 

You would buy some time to decide fully and/or see how other opiton(s) pan out.

 

You have to stop turning to this guy for feelings of security. You're only feeding your own insecurities in this is causing you to lash out at him for... Texting you within 12 hours while he was away on vacation.

 

He can't make you feel better right now. That doesn't mean he's not interested.

 

You're the only person who can make yourself feel better. So what are you going to do? I was feeling stressed and crappy because of a couple different things so I just did a 20 minute intense yoga session. I feel better and no longer feel like lashing out at people.

[SadandConfusedWA]

SAC, you know I do this kind of thing too, but even I think you're overreacting in this case.

 

None of us can get into his head, but it sounds like he probably is interested in you. He's away with his friends, so of course the amount of time between his responses will be greater. I mean if he's surfing, he can hardly have a cellphone attached to his body.

 

As the others have said, I would hold off on contacting him again or initiating anything more about your next date. But also don't beat yourself up about having done so already. You haven't ruined anything.

 

Has he gotten back to you about Tuesday btw?

 

He did right away. He just said "yep, sounds good". We didn't really set the time and place.

 

He will need to contact me to do that. I guess I will know one way or the other in a week from now.

[Star Gazer]

Has he gotten back to you about Tuesday btw?

 

 

WHY would you ask this?! This sort of question is just bound to instill Even more insecurity in her!

 

WTF would he get back to her about Tuesday already? It's been like 12 hours since she suggested Tuesday, and he said yes! What other following up do you think he should be doing already?!

[shadowplay]

 

WHY would you ask this?! This sort of question is just bound to instill Even more insecurity in her!

 

WTF would he get back to her about Tuesday already? It's been like 12 hours since she suggested Tuesday, and he said yes! What other following up do you think he should be doing already?!

 

I didn't mean whether he had gotten back to her to confirm, but whether he responded to her original text about Tuesday, which he has.

[Mme. Chaucer]

Yes Kamille, I keep taking the lead because this gives me some false sense of control. I am also very impatient and not good with waiting things out. With the last guy (politician) I was like this from date 1. No wonder he ran away. To be honest, I WISH I was male. I have no problem with asking a guy out and initiating from there on. At least men get to choose when to call and when to ask a girl out and that's natural.

 

The problem is, taking the lead may be fine if it came from a position of confidence. It is not fine when it comes from a position of insecurity. I think guys sense that and it comes across as desparation.

 

I was actually doing well with this guy. I have let him completly schedule the first 3 dates. He called, asked for when I am free, the called again to confirm. However, during that time I was somewhat lukewarm about him so it wasn't hard.

 

After the third date, I started to REALLY like him. That's when I got very insecure because there is suddenly more at stake. Instead of keeping with the easy dynamic, I needed re-assurance that he is still interested and needed it NOW. And I got the opposite, which left me even more uneasy.

 

I am now feeling so lost. I have no idea if he was/is attempting to blow me off. And I will have to wait till Tuesday to find out. I just wish guys would put me out of my misery and tell me the exact moment they are not interested anymore. Uncertainity is killing me.

 

Meanwhile, I have 200 of student's assignments to mark and I am sitting here obsessing

 

SAC, it really sounds like you have good insight into how you work.

 

Now you just need to adjust your behavior to reflect your self knowledge.

 

I know you think I'm malicious, but I am not. Please consider these two things:

 

Your efforts to control the feelings of guys you date might make you behave towards one who likes you in EXACTLY the same way you dread being treated by them (i.e."nexting" this guy because of this series of events, which NO ONE but you thinks is negative).

 

Some of the behavior you exhibit (mostly taking the lead and thereby putting up "tests" for your suitors that they are very unlikely to pass) will have the effect of making the guy feel very cornered. A lot of guys will have no idea how to analyze what's going on; they will just feel a sense of unease and maybe a subtle urge to escape.

 

You don't want that.

[gypsy_nicky]

One thing to remember is to never try to mind read a dude. He could very well be interested but pulling back (game playing), wishy washy, or really not interested. Or he's busy, actin busy etc etc.

 

It's ok to wait for a response/s but your life does not stop when you wait for them.

 

 

a bit off topic, to the OP, have you considered dating or looking for guys that have the same temperament as you. It could be easier to date them and you wouldn't get so hung up on things like this.

[Cracker Jack]

Okay. What did he do wrong? What should he have done differently?

 

SAC, I know you might've missed sweet's question, but could you please answer it? I'm curious to know what the guy is doing wrong, too.

[welikeincrowds]

I don't mean to trivialize your anxiety, really I don't, especially because I've felt it all before myself. But it is a little funny. You're showing some powerful emotions here -- and yet as far as actions are concerned, almost nothing is happening. A text here and there. Scheduling a date. "Oh, sorry, I'm busy then. Can you do this time? OK, sure." How mundane!

 

I think that part of this feeling comes from our tendency to imagine the future. At some point in your dating, suddenly, the stakes were somehow raised, and you felt like you now have something to lose -- but what is that, exactly? A person is not an object that we put in our house, after all, and even if they were, the principle would be the same. That something is the image of what could be. If we lose that person, we lose all those choices and possibilities -- all that freedom. It's related to the sense of security we get from a good relationship, that we also don't want to lose. That is the confidence that the future we picture with that person is the future we will really have.

 

The sudden feeling that "wow, something could happen here!", even when you don't have a full picture of what that means, is all part of the fun. It's also a little scary, and I think that's normal -- but it's not good if you let it take a hold of you and affect your decisions. After all, it's all intangible, and in your imagination -- it's not real. I know advice like "be in the moment, focus on what's in front of you" may seem trite, but it will help you so much if you consider it. You're dating to have fun, right? It's just dating. LS will gladly help you with the text messages as they already do, but ultimately it's not that important. You already know it's within you to react casually -- it's what you were doing when you first started dating this guy, right? Once you bring yourself back to reality, you won't find yourself having as much trouble trusting that what you say and do is absolutely fine, and really, not that big a deal.

[Ariadne]

- thanks to my former friend)

 

I still love you as a friend even if you don't love me.

[Ariadne]

Politician just texted me (I didn't initiate). He is being really nice to me for some reason...

 

Yey!

 

Maybe he doesn't want you to have sex with the cute guy.

[SadandConfusedWA]

I pulled an all nighter to finish marking the assignments but the good news is that the boss gave me a day off to rest so I can catch up on my sleep.

 

So many really good responses here and nobody has taken the thread off topic or started bashing me! Thanks for being nice to me guys, I really needed it.

 

I have realized few things:

 

1) I need to take myself back to the casual place I was pre-date 3 so that him not calling again will be not be a catastrophe.

 

2) I have no regrets in how I acted with this guy. On dates, I was fun. I even discussed sports at length (thanks to my brother who is obsessed with them so I do have a lot of knowledge, just poor athletic ability). Apart from the texts posted here, I didn't really come on too strong or chase him. I did little thoughtful things like suggesting a good Thai restaurant when he mentioned that he loves Thai food on one of the dates. I phoned to reserve the tickets for Sat night movie because I had a feeling they will sell out. They did end up selling out and he complimented me again on being thoughtful. I didn't initiate the physical but was very receptive and affectionate when he did. I put in some effort to look my best on the dates.

 

All in all, there is absolutely NOTHING I would have done differently. This kind of gives me a sense of peace. I did my best and it may not be enough but it will be easier to move forward with the knowledge that I didn't screw up.

 

3) I need to stop all contact with the politician guy. Sure, it's great that he is open to being "texting friends", but he did reject me and contact with him actually only brings my self-esteem down. With him, I have MANY regrets in how I acted. I screwed up in a big way and scared him off. But every time I talk to him, it takes me back to that place of regret. And I don't need that in my life. So I am going to take a big step and actually block his phone number.

 

4) I will leave my OKC profile up and chat to any interesting guys, but won't rush into meeting up. I will prioritize my career for the next few months while being open if someone interesting comes along.

 

And finally, if this guy ends up rejecting me, it doesn't make me worth any less as a person. That will mean that we are just not a good fit rather than I am fat, ugly, boring etc etc.

[atlnay]

AWESOME insight AND plan of action for either scenario. Well done!!! You should print that out and stick it near your bathroom mirror and smile & hug yourself everytime you read it.:bunny:

 

I pulled an all nighter to finish marking the assignments but the good news is that the boss gave me a day off to rest so I can catch up on my sleep.

 

So many really good responses here and nobody has taken the thread off topic or started bashing me! Thanks for being nice to me guys, I really needed it.

 

I have realized few things:

 

1) I need to take myself back to the casual place I was pre-date 3 so that him not calling again will be not be a catastrophe.

 

2) I have no regrets in how I acted with this guy. On dates, I was fun. I even discussed sports at length (thanks to my brother who is obsessed with them so I do have a lot of knowledge, just poor athletic ability). Apart from the texts posted here, I didn't really come on too strong or chase him. I did little thoughtful things like suggesting a good Thai restaurant when he mentioned that he loves Thai food on one of the dates. I phoned to reserve the tickets for Sat night movie because I had a feeling they will sell out. They did end up selling out and he complimented me again on being thoughtful. I didn't initiate the physical but was very receptive and affectionate when he did. I put in some effort to look my best on the dates.

 

All in all, there is absolutely NOTHING I would have done differently. This kind of gives me a sense of peace. I did my best and it may not be enough but it will be easier to move forward with the knowledge that I didn't screw up.

 

3) I need to stop all contact with the politician guy. Sure, it's great that he is open to being "texting friends", but he did reject me and contact with him actually only brings my self-esteem down. With him, I have MANY regrets in how I acted. I screwed up in a big way and scared him off. But every time I talk to him, it takes me back to that place of regret. And I don't need that in my life. So I am going to take a big step and actually block his phone number.

 

4) I will leave my OKC profile up and chat to any interesting guys, but won't rush into meeting up. I will prioritize my career for the next few months while being open if someone interesting comes along.

 

And finally, if this guy ends up rejecting me, it doesn't make me worth any less as a person. That will mean that we are just not a good fit rather than I am fat, ugly, boring etc etc.