He hasn't responded to my text in 4 hours

[Star Gazer]

This is honestly maddening. You're going to drive every guy away if you keep up with this mindset, SAC.

[DontWorryBHappy]

If it were me, I wouldn't have suggested Tuesday. I would have said "That's cool, have fun." then waited to see if HE initiated a date with me. See because now you're in a weird situation where you've suggested seeing each other on Tuesday yet you're concerned about his interest level. Unfortunately even if he is not interested he's just agreed to see you Tuesday... which means you've taken away his opportunity to seek you out and plan a date with you instead of you being the one to seek him out. Do yourself a favor and take that girl's night this weekend and chill with your friends. Then please please dont text or call him again until he does. And that includes to "confirm the date." Let him do that.

[Ariadne]

I feel like he is blowing me off and is making up the story of staying couple of extra days.

 

OMG

 

The guy said the "surf is great" you are probably the last thing on his mind or random.

 

He even responded all nice on top of that he doesn't even like text.

 

Have a bit more confidence.

[SadandConfusedWA]

WTF? You have NO EVIDENCE that he's making this up! Why are you assuming he's no longer interested?? Just because he didn't jump for joy and drop his friends for you??

 

His priority isn't with you, SAC...but guess what? It shouldn't be! He's with his friends on a getaway, and you've only had 3 dates!! CHILL!

 

You should have the same attitude. He should not be a priority over your friends and girls' night.

 

I know Star, it's just a gut feeling. I have been jerked around so many times before...

 

I won't contact him anymore.

 

I would be willing to bet that I will never hear from him again.

[SadandConfusedWA]

If it were me, I wouldn't have suggested Tuesday. I would have said "That's cool, have fun." then waited to see if HE initiated a date with me. See because now you're in a weird situation where you've suggested seeing each other on Tuesday yet you're concerned about his interest level. Unfortunately even if he is not interested he's just agreed to see you Tuesday... which means you've taken away his opportunity to seek you out and plan a date with you instead of you being the one to seek him out. Do yourself a favor and take that girl's night this weekend and chill with your friends. Then please please dont text or call him again until he does. And that includes to "confirm the date." Let him do that.

 

I know but we haven't agreed on time and place for Tuesday. So someone still has to contact someone to do that.

 

Basically, he still has the option never to contact me again.

[carhill]

OP, reading your text (much much much would prefer this to be phone, but oh, well) encounter, I'll offer the following:

 

Accept, without prejudice, that he wants to spend some more time with his friends, including the weekend. Cool. Good on him.

 

For future consumption, don't suggest any reschedule or particular time or place for a date. His interest will cause him to *want* to reschedule/schedule a day/time with you and *ask* you. IMO, this is the proper progression.

 

Enjoy your time with your girlfriends. If you forget about him during this time, IMO that's a positive thing, as you're focusing on those who love you and whom you love. Maybe someday that will include him.

[Star Gazer]

I know Star, it's just a gut feeling. I have been jerked around so many times before...

 

I won't contact him anymore.

 

I would be willing to bet that I will never hear from him again.

 

OMG! If you were sitting next to me right now, I'd slap you! STOP this line of thinking! Stop, stop, stop!

 

Where is this negative Nancy crap coming from?? He's out with his friends, on a getaway, and he still responded to you! He let you know that his plans are being extended, and suggested next week! These are GOOD signs! These are HEALTHY signs of interest!

 

Your gut feeling is nothing but FEAR. You have to let go of that...

[DontWorryBHappy]

I think you should stand in the mirror and say: "I am a gorgeous independent woman, and will be whether this dude ever contacts me again or not. If he doesn't then someone else will come along to appreciate my awesomeness. For now, I'm going to decide whether this guy's actions are worthy of ME."

 

Seriously .

[Stung]

OMG! If you were sitting next to me right now, I'd slap you! STOP this line of thinking! Stop, stop, stop!

 

Where is this negative Nancy crap coming from?? He's out with his friends, on a getaway, and he still responded to you! He let you know that his plans are being extended, and suggested next week! These are GOOD signs! These are HEALTHY signs of interest!

 

Your gut feeling is nothing but FEAR. You have to let go of that...

 

Co-signed. SAC, you need to get out more, or something. I'm sad to say that this thread reeks of neediness and paranoia, and I hope that's not an emotional baseline for you. He sounds like he's on the up and up so far.

[squeaky]

I also don't get the feeling that he's effing with you. Try to look at this situation logically and objectively. He suggested rescheduling to next week, and then when you suggested a day, he agreed to it (with an exclamation point, at that). If he suddenly inexplicably wanted nothing to do with you ever again, why would he ask to reschedule the date? Or agree to next Tuesday? If he's lying, he could have continued to lie and make up some excuse. Further, if he didn't want to see you again, why would he respond to your initial text at all? He could have just blown you off forever, but he didn't. Because he likes you and there's no logical reason at this point that you should think otherwise. Use your noggin, gurl.

[Cora]

Think more positively!

 

Life is too short to be worrying over some dude. Do you think he worries over you this much? Go out and have fun! Let him come to you.

 

I hope it all works out for you. Wishing you much happiness!

[Kamille]

Sad, do you realize how your insecurities are causing you to make poor choices when it comes to getting to know guys you're interested in?

 

Why did you feel you needed to consult with him before booking your girls' night?

 

Why did you stress about the lack of response when you already knew he was with the guys and likely not hooked to his phone?

 

And why did you keep looking for signs of disinterest once you did get a reply?

 

And I agree with those who say, in your shoes, I would have let him schedule the next date completely. I think you're someone who needs to learn how to let a guy take the lead. This will give you reassurance. It's weird though, you're incredibly insecure and that's precisely why you keep taking the lead. It's, in turn, counter-productive because you're left trying to gage a guy's interest through other means than him asking you out: ie, how long it takes him to text. Do you see how your insecurities are prompting you to act in ways which are counterproductive for your need for security?

[SadandConfusedWA]

Yes Kamille, I keep taking the lead because this gives me some false sense of control. I am also very impatient and not good with waiting things out. With the last guy (politician) I was like this from date 1. No wonder he ran away. To be honest, I WISH I was male. I have no problem with asking a guy out and initiating from there on. At least men get to choose when to call and when to ask a girl out and that's natural.

 

The problem is, taking the lead may be fine if it came from a position of confidence. It is not fine when it comes from a position of insecurity. I think guys sense that and it comes across as desparation.

 

I was actually doing well with this guy. I have let him completly schedule the first 3 dates. He called, asked for when I am free, the called again to confirm. However, during that time I was somewhat lukewarm about him so it wasn't hard.

 

After the third date, I started to REALLY like him. That's when I got very insecure because there is suddenly more at stake. Instead of keeping with the easy dynamic, I needed re-assurance that he is still interested and needed it NOW. And I got the opposite, which left me even more uneasy.

 

I am now feeling so lost. I have no idea if he was/is attempting to blow me off. And I will have to wait till Tuesday to find out. I just wish guys would put me out of my misery and tell me the exact moment they are not interested anymore. Uncertainity is killing me.

 

Meanwhile, I have 200 of student's assignments to mark and I am sitting here obsessing

[jamesum]

Even if you were a guy, girls would still run away from you.

 

Insecure guys are just as unattractive.

[SadandConfusedWA]

Is there anything that I could text him now that would tell me clearly if he is interested or not without coming across as desparate?

 

BTW somone posted on his Facebook wall: I am having a grand final party on Sat night. Are you coming?

 

Maybe he will forget that I am on his friends list and respond with YES? That would be easier than not knowing...

[Fouts]

Even if you were a guy, girls would still run away from you.

 

Insecure guys are just as unattractive.

 

Yep, it's universal.

 

S&C, we can't control who we like and who likes us. Love would be perfect if that were the case.

 

He communicated something normal to you that you've blown out of proportion because you're insecure right now (for whatever reason). See what happens for Tuesday, don't stress over it. He either likes you or not, you can't control that for the most part.

[SadandConfusedWA]

Even if you were a guy, girls would still run away from you.

 

Insecure guys are just as unattractive.

 

 

Well he doesn't excatly know that I am obsessing. All he knows is what I wrote in the text messages (which I posted here).

[Kamille]

 

 

After the third date, I started to REALLY like him. That's when I got very insecure because there is suddenly more at stake. Instead of keeping with the easy dynamic, I needed re-assurance that he is still interested and needed it NOW. And I got the opposite, which left me even more uneasy.

 

I am now feeling so lost. I have no idea if he was/is attempting to blow me off. And I will have to wait till Tuesday to find out. I just wish guys would put me out of my misery and tell me the exact moment they are not interested anymore. Uncertainity is killing me.

 

You do know that the moment you start being interested in a guy is the moment when you start feeling insecure. Instead of trying to prompt interactions from him, try to hold back and let him naturally reassure you.

 

The worst case scenario is that he won't make an effort. The chances of that, in this case here, are really quite minimal. So far this guy has a good track record for being true to his word. And, S, if he does disappear, it's not the end of the world. Sure, rejection hurts, but rejection is a part of dating. Ask any guy here: being responsible for approaching and asking girls out yields a high rate of rejection.

 

Stop trying to figure out if he is blowing you off. If he is, it will become obvious. But, up until now, he hasn't blown you off. Quite the opposite. He replies to your text in a timely fashion, keeps you informed of his plans and has agreed to a date on Tuesday. He's even told you he likes you. Now, sit back and relax.

 

Meanwhile, I have 200 of student's assignments to mark and I am sitting here obsessing

 

I came to the realization awhile back that I tended to deflect work-related anxiety onto my love life. Times when I was miserable at work, I would turn to my love life to keep me entertained. This made me expect way too much from the guys I was dating, as they became my source of happiness. Is that possibly going on here? Do you need a third hobby, outside of dating and work, to make you feel balanced?

 

Is there anything that I could text him now that would tell me clearly if he is interested or not without coming across as desparate?

 

 

Sad, listen to yourself! You just agreed that you tend to take the lead not because you're confident but because you're insecure. What would you be doing in this case?

 

Nothing to do but have an awesome weekend with the girls. Don't get in touch with him. You will only create more anxiety for yourself. Find solace and security elsewhere. This guy can't provide it for you.

 

BTW somone posted on his Facebook wall: I am having a grand final party on Sat night. Are you coming?

 

Maybe he will forget that I am on his friends list and respond with YES? That would be easier than not knowing...

 

 

Oh so you have a no party agreement?

 

By someone, I'll assume you mean a girl. It's a party. You don't have the full picture yet. You can't jump to conclusion. Wait until you hear from him. Maybe he'll tell you all about the awesome party he attended. You can, meanwhile, tell him about the awesome weekend you had.

[Kamille]

Well he doesn't excatly know that I am obsessing. All he knows is what I wrote in the text messages (which I posted here).

 

He doesn't have to know you're obsessing. If you keep taking the lead, he will sense you're obsessing instead of focusing on your own fabulous life.

 

Guys generally assume hot girls have fantastic lives. They feel flattered that hot girls make time for them precisely because they generally assume hot girls' schedule are busy and fantastic. So, stop obsessing, stop disempowering yourself and plan yourself a great weekend!

[WalkInThePark]

Please tell me this post is a joke?

 

You've just had your third date.. who exactly do you think you are to command his full attention? You sound incredibly needy and possessive.

 

I agree.

Reread your posts here, they scream "DESPERATION"! You will scare away no matter what man you meet as long as you don't do something about this.

[SadandConfusedWA]

I agree.

Reread your posts here, they scream "DESPERATION"! You will scare away no matter what man you meet as long as you don't do something about this.

 

 

:( I am aware of my problems but changing yourself ain't easy.

 

 

BTW Kamille thanks for spot on analysis. And yes, work has been boring. My boss's wife is very ill and as a result I had to take on some of his more boring responsibilities. Like marking. I am procrastinating...haven't even started yet.

[Stung]

:( I am aware of my problems but changing yourself ain't easy.

 

 

BTW Kamille thanks for spot on analysis. And yes, work has been boring. My boss's wife is very ill and as a result I had to take on some of his more boring responsibilities. Like marking. I am procrastinating...haven't even started yet.

 

 

That is true, SAC, changing yourself takes a lot of time and effort--I'm very familiar with it, first hand. It is good that you post here when you are feeling extremely insecure or before you send too many ill-advised texts.

 

I am not as familiar with your story as others here are. Have you ever gone into therapy? Any abandonment issues?

 

My only suggestion for tonight: start attacking your pile of work, it might be boring but it will still serve to distract. And do not send any further texts, leave him to his vacation.

[SadandConfusedWA]

I guess even if this guy is blowing me off, it's not the end of the world.

 

The truth is, I barely know him.

 

I am now considering going out with the brand new OKC guy over the weekend...but am kind of thinking I should maybe lay off the dating?!

[carhill]

This sounds eerily familiar

 

What do you think that *you* can do to break this cycle? Also, if you were to take a break from dating, starting today, what would this accomplish? What would you do with this alone time?

Edited September 22, 2010 by carhill

[SadandConfusedWA]

Politician just texted me (I didn't initiate). He is being really nice to me for some reason...

 

At least we are still friends and he is not completly ignoring me. I am actually happy with that.

 

Considering how overly emotional I was with him within the first few dates (and he read my LS threads when I was obsessing about him too - thanks to my former friend), I am glad he hasn't labeled me as "crazy - avoid at all costs".

 

I actually don't think he is a bad person, just a bit of a player and bad to date.