a realization

[shadowplay]

his is a long post, but I think it's a step forward for me.

 

I've decided to forget about dating for now, and pool my energy into 1) my career, 2) making friends and 3) saving up for improvements in my appearance. Whether people agree with my third goal, I doubt anyone will argue that analyzing the motives of other people pushes me forward. I know deep down it is my appearance that turns off the guys I like.

 

I spoke to my mother on the phone yesterday, and she said that the only flaw she sees in my physical appearance is my teeth. She said she and my father were talking about this the other day and both agreed that was it.

 

Btw, I don't agree with her that that's even the main problem with how I look. My teeth are somewhat imperfect, but my face has a few much more pressing problems. At the moment, the hollowness under my eyes is really killing my attractiveness (inherited, but gotten worse over time). It's so bad that I look sick a lot of the time, even when I load on concealer. I wish it were as easy as working out or losing weight like it is for most women, but there's honestly not much wrong with my body. I have no issues with my body, and this is another thing that convinces me of my judgment. If I were hell-bent on feeling like crap, I would just cast off my whole appearance, body and all. But I know realistically my body is good enough.

 

My mother offered to help me save money to fix my teeth, so between the us we can raise enough for me to get them fixed in a year. Meanwhile, I'm hoping to convince her that the money would be better spent on getting my eye hollows fixed. I'll take on more days at work and save up a fixed amount each month.

 

I'm sure I'll get a lot of flak for this, but let me explain my reasoning.

 

When I was 22, I saved up through work and got my nose fixed (it was really bad before, and had bothered me my whole life). Everybody in my family was like you're crazy, you'll regret it, it won't improve your confidence, etc. But when the bandages came off, they all changed their tune. Everybody, including my parents, had to concede that it made a dramatic improvement to my appearance and it was the right choice (!). And honestly, my dating life really picked up. Suddenly, guys were paying attention to me. My demeanor didn't change. I was still very shy and awkward. But the scary thing is I always feared it was a temporary fix. Because, having done months of research on facial anatomy and aging before the surgery, I knew I had exactly the type of face that would not age well, and would lose its luster fast.

 

The problem is I have very shallow bone structure, and this is something every maxillofacial surgeon I consulted with pointed out. My mid face has very little natural support. Unfortunately, the mid-face is also the first place that loses fat during the mid twenties. This is why a lot of plastic surgeons will install cheek bone implants in aging people, because it gives the face some extra support.

 

So basically, I feared that nose job just bought me a couple of years, before the crap hit the fan. The nose job was only the first part in my original plan. Before going into surgery I always knew exactly what my face needed, and that hasn't changed in the years since (I'm 27 now). It's not like I keep looking for new things to fixate on. The flaws I see have stayed consistent over time.

 

I have a sharp aesthetic sense, and I did a ton of research on plastic surgery and facial anatomy. In fact, my eye is so good that wealthy people were paying me hundreds of dollars to do morphs of their faces and give them plastic surgery advice. The people who I gave advice to were all happy with their results, and many even told me I should go to med school and become a surgeon. So apparently, my obsessiveness has some practical application!

 

I thoroughly researched the surgery ahead of time to avoid the pitfalls of other people. A lot of PS goes wrong because people don't research, or they don't have somebody with an eye guiding them. The surgeon I finally picked did an amazing job, beyond what I expected. Several people I know in real life who had tried to discourage me, even called the guy an "artist" after they saw my new nose.

 

I knew exactly what I needed to be attractive, and to age gracefully.

 

But people convinced me to give the nose job a shot and see if that was enough to satisfy me. I tried to convince myself that other people were right. Predictably my face changed in exactly the ways I thought it would; in fact my hollows deepened even faster than expected. I think it became a noticeable problem about two years ago. Male interest dropped. No more flirtation, their eyes no longer sparkled when they first met me. Even my ex ex saw it, and agreed with me that I was less attractive than when he met me (3.5 years ago).

 

I'll interject here that my aim in looking more attractive isn't to gain the admiration of every guy in existence or to feed my ego. I just want to have a few options. I don't want to feel desperate because every halfway decent guy who throws me a few crumbs of attention may be the last.

 

Basically, I want enough options that I can eventually find a husband who is reasonably intelligent, healthy, attractive and shares many of my values. Once I've found such a partner, my physical attractiveness diminishes in importance to me, because I know that guys tend to be very shallow at the start, but they'll usually stay with a woman whom they love even when she ages (unless she totally lets herself go). So, in short it's basically about getting my foot in the door. Without attractiveness, I have no entry. Btw, I don't believe that looking your age is a problem, and I do believe that people can be attractive at any age. The trouble is there are certain people, like me, who, because of genetics, look worse and worse than their peers as they age.

 

And if I'm being honest with myself, I want to be with a guy who is at least somewhat attractive (he doesn't need to be exceptionally good looking). Just enough for me to feel a spark.

 

My predictions have come true. I knew, for example, even before I met this guy online in person, that when we did finally meet, it would be game over. It just didn't make sense to me that he could be so interested (before we met), because it didn't line up with how guys relate to me in real life. I came to the conclusion that my pictures were somehow very flattering, even though I had tried to be honest in them. And predictably his interest dropped once we met. Same thing happened with Mr. Harvard. I saw it coming before we met. He hadn't seen me in six years (when I was 18), so he was probably expecting me to be as pretty as he remembered. It was disturbing actually -- I saw his face drop the second he sat down. I'll never forget that. The rest of the conversation was painful; he wasn't even bothering. I tried to engage him, ask him questions, keep up a bright, confident demeanor. And I did a good job, but he just didn't care. At the end of the night I came back to my place and collapsed in tears.

 

I'm tired of trying to be confident, trying to improve my social habits, trying everything people suggest, over and over and over, constantly shoving all intuition aside… and getting exactly the same results. It's maddening. In all these years the only thing that EVER made a difference, and it was big, was getting surgery. People told me my dating life wouldn't improve after the surgery and I'd regret it. They were completely wrong. (And they even admitted they were!) People told me that if I improved my demeanor I'd get more interest and they were wrong.

 

Mind you, I think people have the best intentions in their advice, but I also believe the advice people give others often comes from a place of denial about how nasty and brutal the world is. In fact, I've caught myself falling into this trap. Sometimes I'll give people advice that parrots what other people tell me, rather than what I really think, because I'm trying to indoctrinate myself in their beliefs.

 

A lot of their advice sound, and I'm going to start following it. That is to stop obsessing. If there's anything I regret, it's wasting years obsessing and analyzing, trying to resolve an unresolvable truth between my life experience and what other people tell me about the world.

 

Instead, I might have found peace of mind had I just accepted early on that I'm "OK" looking but not attractive, and that if I want to attract guys who I find attractive, I'll need to improve my appearance through surgery. That would have spared me a lot grief. I wouldn't have wasted time analyzing why guys aren't into me or what their behavior reflects on my appearance. I wouldn't have wasted time trying to convince other people of what I see. I wouldn't have wasted time trying to change my behavior and getting the same back. To me the only real unhappiness in life comes when you deny yourself some basic truth about the world. Right now I'm reading "Wings of the Dove," by Henry James (highly recommend it btw!), and this is one of his observations that makes a lot of sense to me. I'll paste it here, because I think it's interesting:

 

"The world was different -- whether for worse or for better -- from her rudimentary readings, and it gave her the feeling of a wasted past. If she had only known sooner she might have arranged herself more to meet it…

She was accordingly to her own vision not a hypocrite of virtue, for she gave herself up; but she was a hypocrite of stupidity, for she kept to herself everything that was not herself. What she most kept was the particular sentiment with which she watched her sister instinctively neglect nothing that would make for her submission to their aunt; a state of spirit that perhaps marked most sharply how poor you might become when you minded so much the absence of wealth."

 

Had I just accepted this truth early on, I would have focused on other things, saved up for my surgery, and probably be enjoying my twenties.

 

This is the path I will take. I know most people won't agree with me, but I can't afford to argue with them anymore, because in doing so I'm really arguing with myself, which deepens the rift inside. For the first time in the last few weeks, I feel strong and determined.

 

Btw, I will continue to implement the other changes I've made since my breakup: trying to meet new people and solidify friendships, eating better, doing my work on time, getting organized.

[Star Gazer]

I'm going to state the obvious, Shadow. Your BDD is in full effect right now. You do not need surgery, you need serious, serious, SERIOUS therapy. Yes, I've had a boob job, but I'd have been just as happy without it. I didn't have BDD, I wasn't depressed, I'd just always wanted bigger boobs (despite smaller ones being more fashionable), so I got them. I didn't do it to feel better about myself on the inside, or to become more attractive to men. In fact, I realized that my choice might even turn some people off.

 

But for many people, plastic surgery is simply a band-aid, it doesn't fix the underlying self-esteem issues. You are clearly one of those people, as evidenced by your desire to continue getting PS after the nose job. It fixed the outside, but not the inside.

 

OKC guy wouldn't have had sex with you if he didn't find you attractive, BTW.

 

That said, I'm a big fan of straight, white teeth, so if that's something you don't have, go for it.

[kdark]

This post made me really sad. I can't believe you feel that it has reached the point that modifying your body with surgery is your only option.

 

And even worse, your friends, family, and significant others encouraged on this path.

[Ariadne]

Shadow,

 

The only realization after just looking at that post is that you need to get over yourself.

 

I mean, who writes all that stuff?

 

Life is not that complicated..

 

The only explanation again is that you just get bored when you have nothing to do and live in your head because you enjoy this stuff.

[Sphere]

If you only you realised how intelligent and special you are. I'd cut my right arm off to find someone with a personality like yours, it's just ashame you focus on your weaknesses and not your strengths.

[shadowplay]

If you only you realised how intelligent and special you are. I'd cut my right arm off to find someone with a personality like yours, it's just ashame you focus on your weaknesses and not your strengths.

 

Aw. I wish there were guys who felt this way about me in real life. They never even bother getting to know me enough to appreciate me, and even if they do by no choice of their own -- like we're in the same social group, so they're forced to listen to me talk -- they seem indifferent.

[shadowplay]

What makes me sad is often the guys who reject me will advertise themselves as deep, intellectual, romantic types who are looking for a similar woman. But then they seem to dismiss me very superficially without getting to know me at all. It's like they have all these "poetic" ideals, yet I never fit anywhere into them. It's always some other girl.

 

I know it's silly, but it hurt me that the guy I liked on OKC always had these romantic, wistful statuses on im, excerpts from a poem, often in relation to love. All that is reserved for some other girl, but he quickly decided I was worthy of only subpar treatment.

[elaina]

Shadow,

 

What do you think of internal beauty? Of beauty radiating from one's personality, from joy and peace and happiness and love? What do you think of the beauty of the soul, of having fun with people you care about and of helping people who are in need?

 

There are many beautiful people on the outside who are not beautiful on the inside. They do not have beautiful souls. Their outside shell looks really good, especially with help of body-altering plastic surgery, well done make-up, fashionable clothes, and cool accessories, but inside they can be selfish, miserable, or just plain "not there."

 

When a person has inside beauty radiating through their eyes, through their words and deeds, it really makes a difference. It makes a beautiful doll become alive. Do you see what I mean? Beauty that is only skin deep is not really the most beautiful.

 

So, while you are trying to get your outside shell how you want it, please don't forget the beauty of your soul.

 

How does one make one's soul beautiful?

 

1. Care for others. Feed the poor. Get involved in helping people in the community in some way that makes THEM feel special and important.

 

2. Enjoy life. Breathe the fresh air and appreciate the beauties of nature.

 

3. Give back to the earth by taking care of it. Get involved with nature... plant, take care of animals, learn about the earth around you.

 

4. Have fun! Spend time with people you love without talking about yourself or obsessing over things in life that don't please you. Just have fun!

 

5. Plan ways to make others feel loved and special, not for any rewards you'd get out of it, but just for letting them know they are wonderful people who you admire and are happy to know.

 

These, I think, are so much more important than plastic surgery on your face. Yes, a nice set of teeth and no hollowness is nice, but beauty of the human body will fade over time. Even plastic surgery can't keep physical beauty from fading forever.

 

Some of the most beautiful people I know are elderly ladies. They have still retained some of their physical beauty of their youth, but most of their beauty is in their souls, which radiate from their eyes. They are jewels: priceless.

 

I know many very handsome, intelligent, wealthy men who see beautiful women, whose beauty is only skin deep, as being a dime a dozen. Physical beauty + emotional/soul beauty is gold, and is what many of the relationship-minded handsome/intelligent/successful men are looking for in a woman. Many of these men, by the way, also have beautiful souls, who care for other people, help those in need in some way, enjoy life, and want their partner to be the same.

 

Btw, I will continue to implement the other changes I've made since my breakup: trying to meet new people and solidify friendships, eating better, doing my work on time, getting organized.

That's awesome! Hurray for you!!! Edited September 18, 2010 by elaina

[MrNate]

Shadow it's always interesting to read what you post. But it seems lately, you and Sad, are almost just simply attention seeking?

 

How many more times can the concerned LS'ers here give you guys the same advice before you begin to follow it?

[Kamille]

Straight to the point:

 

So you don't think this guy's drop in interest has anything to do with the fact that

 

1) you texted him first the day after the date and

2) showed insecurity by asking him to tell you right now if he wasn't interested

followed by

3) a date where you ended up being an ambivalent lover because you slept with him too soon

followed by

4) you setting up the next date and

5) proposing it be a lame stay-at-home date and then

6) expecting him to suddenly make an effort when you had already suggested the date and acting wishy washy for hours instead of simply saying: I want to go out to the café?

 

?

 

No. Clearly. It must be your teeth.

 

And, SP, how much do you think your own BDD is linked to your parents' own focus on physical appearances?

[Star Gazer]

No. Clearly. It must be your teeth.

 

Of course. This way, Shadow gets to continue thinking her behavior was just fine. It's not her "fault."

[shadowplay]

Shadow it's always interesting to read what you post. But it seems lately, you and Sad, are almost just simply attention seeking?

 

How many more times can the concerned LS'ers here give you guys the same advice before you begin to follow it?

 

No, I'm really not. A lot of the time posting is sort of like journal entry writing for me. It helps me sort out my thoughts.

[shadowplay]

Straight to the point:

 

So you don't think this guy's drop in interest has anything to do with the fact that

 

1) you texted him first the day after the date and

2) showed insecurity by asking him to tell you right now if he wasn't interested

followed by

3) a date where you ended up being an ambivalent lover because you slept with him too soon

followed by

4) you setting up the next date and

5) proposing it be a lame stay-at-home date and then

6) expecting him to suddenly make an effort when you had already suggested the date and acting wishy washy for hours instead of simply saying: I want to go out to the café?

 

?

 

No. Clearly. It must be your teeth.

 

And, SP, how much do you think your own BDD is linked to your parents' own focus on physical appearances?

 

I don't understand #4-#5 on your list. He told me to initiate the third date. He said: "just tell me when/where?" It was clear at this point he didn't want to put in effort. I never proposed the lame stay at home date. All I said is we should play scrabble/boggle. Then I asked him where he wanted to play and he didn't answer me. I then suggested x cafe, and he didn't respond to that. Finally, I was just like so which is it a cafe or your place, and that's when he responded.

 

To answer your final question, probably there's some connection. But the biggest effect may have been living with a beloved uncle for a year (when my father was gone, separated from my mother). I adored him, and he gave me a lot more attention than my father. He's a great person in many ways, but he's incredibly superficial when it comes to women. I was ten at the time, and he was constantly picking apart the appearance of women in front of me. In the car, we used to rate women walking down the street, and he had made special words for women who were really obese, women who were slightly overweight, women who looked good from a distance but bad up close. He also asked me to keep an eye out for hot women for him, so I'd get excited when I saw a pretty woman walking down the street that I could tell him about.

[Kamille]

Of course. This way, Shadow gets to continue thinking her behavior was just fine. It's not her "fault."

 

That's because Shadow does have something right: once she figures out how to believe in herself, some lucky guy will fall heads over heels for her. I think she knows she has a lot to offer and just feels like guys are not giving her a chance. She's trying to figure out why and the easiest explanation is that it must be physical. Meanwhile, I feel it's obvious that she isn't giving guys a chance to impress her. And, sorry guys, but I feel this much is true: guys love impressing their dates, showing them around, taking the lead, wooing them.

 

The vicious cycle is that she is so focused on trying to figure out whether or not she's attractive that she dates to prove or disprove her attraction level. As a result, she was so afraid this guy wouldn't be into her that she ended up taking the lead: she made contact first, set up dates, etc. She didn't even give the guy a chance to show her he was interested in her or to be intrigued by her.

 

And now she's back to square one, believing it must be because she is unattractive, a belief which only feeds into the very anxiety that prompted her to accept sub-standard courting from this guy.

Edited September 18, 2010 by Kamille

[LondonS]

so you'd rather spend thousands to get your appearence fixed instead of working on simple things such as not sleeping too early or even bringing up sex in first few dates and perhaps not going to men's apartments?

ah why is everything so complicated !!

if you want to get your teeth fixed, thats fine but dont expect that it,ll ultimately improve your love life because you,ll still have to work on the deeper issues at the end !!

[Star Gazer]

That's because Shadow does have something right: once she figures out how to believe in herself, some lucky guy will fall heads over heels for her.

 

I don't think that's what Shadow's thinking. She actually thinks she believes in herself on the inside. She thinks it's the outside that's got to be the problem.

 

But in reality, the outside is clearly NOT the problem. Until Shadow realizes that it's her inside that's the problem, she's going to continue the self-torture.

[Gallaxia]

If you only you realised how intelligent and special you are. I'd cut my right arm off to find someone with a personality like yours, it's just ashame you focus on your weaknesses and not your strengths.

 

 

Wow, Sphere. How beautiful.

 

Shadowplay, you are more beautiful than you realize, girlie.

[shadowplay]

Guys: I never said I won't work on what's inside. I'm determined to do that as well, which is where my first two goals come into play.

 

I'm going to do both.

[dispatch3d]

whats hot or not say?

[shadowplay]

Btw, there's one more guy I'm considering meeting before putting dating on hiatus. His profile and our back and forth messages impressed me enough that it seems like it might be a waste not to see what he's like. He's pretty different from the other guy. He's early thirties, a non-fiction writer/sociologist, seems pretty intellectual and has good taste. Also, he seemed deeper and warmer than the other guy when we chatted. I don't...he just seems like someone who could possibly click with me. Only problem is he divides his time between NYC and this other place that's a 1.5 hour drive from where I live. But he's offered to come up and meet me. Can't decide whether it's worth it, in light of how I handled this last dating experience.

[xpaperxcutx]

SP, Kamille hit the point right there with her post. You're dating for acceptance, rather than dating for a " serious" relationship.

 

No matter how big of an upset your last relationship was, you need to get your head out of the gutter and seek therapy ( per S_G's advice).

 

A guy cannot fix your problems and neither can surgery ( especially with your BDD, the chances of you even going under the knife are slim with an evaluation).

[Anela]

I would go with the first suggestion to go with therapy for the BDD. I dealt with that, and still do to a degree, and I wish that I could go back and follow the advice that I was given - the same as the good people here are giving you.

 

My self-esteem was crushed when I was a kid. I started out with no confidence problems, and ended up feeling like a freak - internally and externally. Now that I think back and look back, I can see what people were trying to tell me, and when I thought, "They're just being nice" it didn't occur to an otherwise-smart me, that they were being nice because they liked me/loved me, were being honest, and wanted me to enjoy my life. When I was your age, I finally started to break out of it, slowly, but I wish I'd done it sooner. I feel sad, looking back, and realizing how I made life so much tougher for myself in that way.

 

(This is coming from someone who had a great book at my disposal, and didn't properly utilize it as a teenager - Psycho-Cybernetics - written by a plastic surgeon. I was sixteen/seventeen years old, and could have saved myself a lot of misery if I'd worked through it and found a good therapist to help me deal with my messed-up thoughts and self-image. I wasn't seeking attention, though, as someone suggested you might be. I had someone tell me that they didn't think I wanted to get better, and I informed them that they really didn't know me that well, because it really wasn't true... I understand how that, and the anxiety can affect you.)

Edited September 19, 2010 by Anela

[Anela]

If you only you realised how intelligent and special you are. I'd cut my right arm off to find someone with a personality like yours, it's just ashame you focus on your weaknesses and not your strengths.

 

 

(I was told this was too short to post, but everyone else has said it perfectly.)

[kpax]

Shadowplay,

 

I don't know if you have BDD, but I want to say I sympathize with how you feel. For all of the others criticizing; if you spend any time on the internet (especially) or read magazines, this is the message women get: Looks are important.

 

This article was linked on my AOL Homepage just this week. This just confirms what I already know and it's very frustrating.

 

http://www.stylelist.com/2010/09/15/men-pretty-face-over-great-body-wife/

 

http://www.themedguru.com/20100915/newsfeature/men-date-bodies-marry-faces-86140438.html

 

Not saying anyone should rush out and get surgery - there will always be others better looking no matter how good you make yourself look anyway - and no one would argue that self esteem is extremely attractive in and of itself - BUT I understand how you feel....

[shadowplay]

Shadowplay,

 

I don't know if you have BDD, but I want to say I sympathize with how you feel. For all of the others criticizing; if you spend any time on the internet (especially) or read magazines, this is the message women get: Looks are important.

 

 

For all of the others criticizing; if you spend any time on the internet (especially) or read magazines living, this is the message women get: Looks are important.