saiveca Posted September 15, 2010 Posted September 15, 2010 Once again, I turn to LS for advice. I went out with an old friend, we had such a blast and the guy went all out to make sure we have a fantastic evening together, which we did. However, I don't feel any chemistry. I do want to warmly thank him for the evening but don't want him to think there could be more. Can I thank him in a way that won't mislead him?
O'Malley Posted September 15, 2010 Posted September 15, 2010 Let him know that you value the friendship that you have with him and that you enjoyed the evening out, but you don't feel the chemistry you need to pursue a relationship. Don't be vague about your lack of interest. While there may be a period of awkwardness and less contact between you, hopefully you can maintain your friendship with him once he moves on from his attraction to you. Either way, it's best to let him know this as soon as you can.
Author saiveca Posted September 15, 2010 Author Posted September 15, 2010 Let him know that you value the friendship that you have with him and that you enjoyed the evening out, but you don't feel the chemistry you need to pursue a relationship. Don't be vague about your lack of interest. While there may be a period of awkwardness and less contact between you, hopefully you can maintain your friendship with him once he moves on from his attraction to you. Either way, it's best to let him know this as soon as you can. Thanks! So you think I should say something about lack of chemistry although he hasn't actually made a move? I mean, I know the guy is interested, there's no doubt about it.
Zapbasket Posted September 15, 2010 Posted September 15, 2010 I think it's kind and fair to say, "Hey, I really enjoyed last night and would love to do it again! But, can I ask you?--are you thinking of our get-togethers more as dates, or as friends hanging out? Because I do really like you, but for me it's more as a friend whom I respect and admire, and not as a potential romantic partner. I just wanted to be sure to get that out of the way because I care about you and don't want to mislead you." I think with a clear and kind communication like that, if he sulks or withdraws or whatever his reaction is, it's all on him; you've been 100% up front and fair. Of course you risk his not even wanting to hang out anymore (understandable, to nurse his wounded ego), but in the long term that's far better and kinder than getting together where one of you has the hope and expectation that it could lead to something more.
meerkat stew Posted September 15, 2010 Posted September 15, 2010 No, don't say anything about chemistry until he asks you out for the next date, and reconsider using the word "chemistry" at all in describing what is really just plain lack of physical attraction. Just say you aren't attracted to him or even simpler that "I'm just not interested in dating you." If there is anyone else in your life that you are interested in dating, the best possible response is that you currently have your eye on someone else, and so aren't truly available to date. Many men never use vague terms like "chemistry" in describing whether we are attracted or not, and it is mildly annoying to us when women do because it sounds alot like some "chemistry tooth fairy" came and sprinkled "not attracted" dust on you or some mystical process took place that you have absolutely no control over, or that you have some imaginary friend named "chemistry" who gives you advice, as opposed to your merely not being attracted and just being straightforward about it. It's the kind of thing immature schoolgirls say and use to navigate that mature women grow out of.
O'Malley Posted September 15, 2010 Posted September 15, 2010 I think it's kind and fair to say, "Hey, I really enjoyed last night and would love to do it again! But, can I ask you?--are you thinking of our get-togethers more as dates, or as friends hanging out? Because I do really like you, but for me it's more as a friend whom I respect and admire, and not as a potential romantic partner. I just wanted to be sure to get that out of the way because I care about you and don't want to mislead you." That's a pretty good way of making things clear. Being upfront (even if it feels uncomfortable to bring up) lets him know that you are not leading him on and that he needs to move on from his feelings. How he handles your disclosure is up to him, but you will have approached the situation honestly and fairly.
meerkat stew Posted September 15, 2010 Posted September 15, 2010 Whatever you do, don't bring lots of "friendship" talk in when you decide to drop the bomb that this supposedly great guy with whom you have an awesome time is not worth waiting at all to see if any physical attraction grows on your end.
on edge Posted September 15, 2010 Posted September 15, 2010 Just tell him in an honest and sincere way. He may react badly and want some time to get over you, and you should be prepared for that.
D-Jam Posted September 15, 2010 Posted September 15, 2010 I think many of you are overthinking this. 1) Wait until he asks you out a second time. You never know...maybe he didn't feel chemistry and thus it'll be easier. 2) If he asks you out and it shows he wants to take it to "more", then simply be honest with him. Tell him he is a great guy, but you're not feeling any vibes with him that would make you want to be more than friends. Polite honesty...plain and simple. If he is truly a great guy then he'll simply accept it kindly and be your friend. If he's a douche then he'll get mad and give you drama. If he's a wimp/loser then he'll ask you 1000 questions of "why?" and try to convince you to give things a shot. I think Greencove's idea would work if the two just went out as friends and thus nothing wasn't very defined, but from the way saiveca is phrasing things, it sounds more like it was a date. I also agree with meekrat stew that "chemistry" is seen by many men as a bunch of crap. It's why PUA books write in depth on how to make chemistry happen with anyone. Just be honest. If he is a good man, then he'll understand.
somedude81 Posted September 15, 2010 Posted September 15, 2010 I went out with an old friend, we had such a blast and the guy went all out to make sure we have a fantastic evening together, which we did. However, I don't feel any chemistry. Women suck. He's a great guy, went all out to make sure you had a fantastic evening, and you don't feel any chemistry
USMCHokie Posted September 15, 2010 Posted September 15, 2010 Women suck. He's a great guy, went all out to make sure you had a fantastic evening, and you don't feel any chemistry Women don't owe men anything...just as men don't owe women anything...
Sphere Posted September 15, 2010 Posted September 15, 2010 Women don't owe men anything...just as men don't owe women anything... Yep and this is why men like Sumdude81 struggle when it comes to dating, because they are too naive and too sensitive. I think they called it feminized.
tincanman99 Posted September 15, 2010 Posted September 15, 2010 Keep it short, direct and to the point. Dont make excuses or give him that speech about being a great guy. All guys have heard it and dont like it. Just say the following: "I am not feeling the chemistry, its not going to work for me. I dont think we should see each other". No ambiguity leaving him to guess what you mean. Trust me, I am a guy. I prefer this over the disappearing act (which most guys hate) or the speech about how wonderful I am and that someday I will find the right person.
bayouboi Posted September 15, 2010 Posted September 15, 2010 don't beat around the bush. tell him: i wanted 2 thank u 4 the other night b/c i had a great time, but i'm not interested in u romantically uggo
USMCHokie Posted September 15, 2010 Posted September 15, 2010 don't beat around the bush. tell him: i wanted 2 thank u 4 the other night b/c i had a great time, but i'm not interested in u romantically uggo This...but with proper grammar, word usage, spelling, and punctuation.
MrNate Posted September 15, 2010 Posted September 15, 2010 This...but with proper grammar, word usage, spelling, and punctuation. Exactly! Bayouboi is making us Louisianians look bad.
welikeincrowds Posted September 15, 2010 Posted September 15, 2010 This...but with proper grammar, word usage, spelling, and punctuation. So, should she stick with "uggo," or maybe replace that with "ugly," or....?
USMCHokie Posted September 15, 2010 Posted September 15, 2010 So, should she stick with "uggo," or maybe replace that with "ugly," or....? No, "uggo" would be appropriate, but only if the 'U' is capitalized. Uggo.
phineas Posted September 15, 2010 Posted September 15, 2010 Women don't owe men anything...just as men don't owe women anything... Freshly divorced here. I've been seeing two women on & off. If it doesn't work out with either of them & they just want to be friends i'm perfectly ok with that.
somedude81 Posted September 15, 2010 Posted September 15, 2010 Women don't owe men anything...just as men don't owe women anything... I never thought that women owe men anything. It's just that it's so freaking difficult to make a girl attracted. I have never been one to plan a great time for a girl because I know that it won't mean sh*t to her. Yep and this is why men like Sumdude81 struggle when it comes to dating, because they are too naive and too sensitive. I think they called it feminized. No, I struggle because I'm neither tall or very good looking nor do I have good game. It's also very hard to ask out girls when you know they will reject you because she doesn't feel any chemistry
Star Gazer Posted September 15, 2010 Posted September 15, 2010 It's just that it's so freaking difficult to make a girl attracted. You can't MAKE a girl be attracted. You can't CREATE chemistry. It's either there, or it's isn't. But you can definitely KILL chemistry and attraction with a bad attitude...
welikeincrowds Posted September 15, 2010 Posted September 15, 2010 It's also very hard to ask out girls when you know they will reject you because she doesn't feel any chemistry I bet you have this perception because you've never felt it yourself towards a girl. I've gone out with girls that I didn't connect with, that I also considered very cool and very desirable -- just, for whatever reason, not by me. I would never judge a girl like that, just because I wasn't feeling it. That's why they call it chemistry -- it's all based in some kind of incomprehensible hormone ****. No need to take it personally!
Sphere Posted September 15, 2010 Posted September 15, 2010 No, I struggle because I'm neither tall or very good looking nor do I have good game. It's also very hard to ask out girls when you know they will reject you because she doesn't feel any chemistry You are like Gamma1, who seems to have disappeared. You struggle because you have a bad attitude and are deeply negative. You are self-defeatist and as a result, you don't get anywhere.
somedude81 Posted September 15, 2010 Posted September 15, 2010 You can't MAKE a girl be attracted. You can't CREATE chemistry. It's either there, or it's isn't. No, I don't agree with you. There are guys who can go up to a girl that would hardly give him the time of day, and make her attracted to him. Some guys have an easier time and have to do less work because they are better looking than most. What brings me to my next point is that women (or at least the women of LS) are super shallow. If the guy isn't a male model, he shouldn't even waste his time talking to her. I bet you have this perception because you've never felt it yourself towards a girl. Huh? I've had feelings for a large number of women. Heck, right now there are three girls that I see several times a week that I feel chemistry towards. And before anybody says something, none of them are particularly good looking.
Mad Max Posted September 15, 2010 Posted September 15, 2010 Most guys are average looking and manage to find a girlfriend. Blaming it on looks is ridiculous.
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