Ugh, feel used... :(

[Mad Max]

Not all female posters agree that she wasn't used, obviously.

 

Personally, it's not really our call if she was used or not. She is hurting. and she wants to be liked by a man she likes (or liked), I think. And that doesn't seem to be happening. Arguing about whether she was used or not doesn't help anything, I don't think.

 

It is really nice of her to post on here, and I hope she knows that she has many people on here who want her to be happy and are sad when she is hurting.

 

 

The majority do agree that she wasn't used. I never said I don't sympathize, but she did make a conscious decision. I think the lesson here is don't have sex outside of a committed relationship.

[elaina]

Now is not the time to be pointing any of it out. She is sad and hurting, she is not in the mood to logically look at the lessons learned. She will be in the future, but right now this is going to feel more like everyone is attacking her.

 

Also, she said that she FEELS used. She didn't say she was used. If she was actually used or not is beside the point.

 

Can we support someone that feels low because they feel like they have been used?

 

(((Shadow)))

 

Totally agree

[Land Shark]

Now is not the time to be pointing any of it out. She is sad and hurting, she is not in the mood to logically look at the lessons learned. She will be in the future, but right now this is going to feel more like everyone is attacking her.

 

Also, she said that she FEELS used. She didn't say she was used. If she was actually used or not is beside the point.

 

Can we support someone that feels low because they feel like they have been used?

 

(((Shadow)))

 

It's not like she was so abused that she's in shock. She went out with a guy, had sex, and doesn't feel good about it. Amongst the traumas she's been through recently this one probably doesn't rank very high on the list of hurts. And she was more than willing to put some brainpower to work even at the worst of times, which this isn't. She can choose not to or say she's not in the mood to, and I'm fine with that. But I'm not thinking this is the time when we need to bring out the kid gloves.

[MrNate]

Going to agree with Sad and the other LS'ers. I can't recollect what I've said earlier, but I can understand her feeling used. But was she? Not at all.

 

The most important thing that matters here is that she's learned a load about herself when it comes to finding a relationship.

[MrNate]

I'd be curious to hear what men do in dating situations in terms of sex when they are looking for a relationship, not just a ONS. Do you guys sleep with women on the second date and then call? Do you put off sex until trust is established?

 

I guess what I'm asking is: how does a woman separate the players from the regular guys?

 

It's called 'hope and pray', in this day an age, you literally can't. Players come in all shapes and sizes. Players can also be considered the 'smooth talkers' but there are also plenty of legit guys who are also 'smooth talkers'. The best thing you can do is watch their actions, but even then, guys are very efficient at veiling their true intentions. Exchanging patience for sex is often worthwhile for these type of fellas.

 

However Star Gazer (USMC's honey) brought up a good point, waiting has never been detrimental (but is not fullproof) for a woman in terms of helping her to understand a guy's real intentions.

[SadandConfusedWA]

It's not like she was so abused that she's in shock. She went out with a guy, had sex, and doesn't feel good about it. Amongst the traumas she's been through recently this one probably doesn't rank very high on the list of hurts. And she was more than willing to put some brainpower to work even at the worst of times, which this isn't. She can choose not to or say she's not in the mood to, and I'm fine with that. But I'm not thinking this is the time when we need to bring out the kid gloves.

 

That's just it. This is not an isolated incident in an otherwise picture perfect life. She went through a lot of turmoil after the break up of her last relationship. Even now, she is not completely over it. She did have high hopes with this guy - they have been in contact for a long time before they met.

 

So being hurt by him on the top of residual hurt by her ex and on the top of being a very sensitive person, and this can all add up to feeling pretty depressed indeed.

[elaina]

The majority do agree that she wasn't used. I never said I don't sympathize, but she did make a conscious decision. I think the lesson here is don't have sex outside of a committed relationship.

 

 

It is good to give advice. I think the issue is that it seems that some people seem to be judging her based on her saying she feels used, but yes there are lessons to be learned, and the reason I think people do give advice to her, including you, is because you want her to be happy, yeah?

[VeveCakes]

You know what bothers me the most, is she posted asking if she should sleep with this guy on the second date and pretty much everyone said nooooo, but she still did it. The point is, she PLANNED to sleep with this dude well before the second date so how in the HELL does that equal him, using her? Seriously shadow, you were freaking out after your 1st date cuz he didn't I'm you the day after, now you slept with him and he hasn't I'md you and its the SAME story. You knew this was gunna hhappen. You are totally attention seeking.

[Mad Max]

It is good to give advice. I think the issue is that it seems that some people seem to be judging her based on her saying she feels used, but yes there are lessons to be learned, and the reason I think people do give advice to her, including you, is because you want her to be happy, yeah?

 

 

Of course. I'd also like her to not let her emotions get the better of her, which they clearly did.

 

 

You know what bothers me the most, is she posted asking if she should sleep with this guy on the second date and pretty much everyone said nooooo, but she still did it. The point is, she PLANNED to sleep with this dude well before the second date so how in the HELL does that equal him, using her? Seriously shadow, you were freaking out after your 1st date cuz he didn't I'm you the day after, now you slept with him and he hasn't I'md you and its the SAME story. You knew this was gunna hhappen. You are totally attention seeking.

 

 

She was going to do what she wanted.

[SpanksTheMonkey]

Now is not the time to be pointing any of it out. She is sad and hurting, she is not in the mood to logically look at the lessons learned. She will be in the future, but right now this is going to feel more like everyone is attacking her.

 

Also, she said that she FEELS used. She didn't say she was used. If she was actually used or not is beside the point.

 

Can we support someone that feels low because they feel like they have been used?

 

(((Shadow)))

 

Will I not point out her mistakes even now at this vulnerable moment NO! Why? not because I don't care but because I DO CARE about how shes feeling and her long term best interests.

 

And I can't help but sympathize for her right now that said I've also learned the hard way that sometimes the worst pain from a fresh wound can be the best teacher in this life...

 

I'm sure she will take what she wants from this thread for now but at least its all here for her to look back on I do hope she comes back soon ((monkey hugs)) for shadow..

[gypsy_nicky]

I am going out on a limb and will state that Shadowplay's case is one where we can see why women need the 'chase' and 'game-playing'.

 

In dating, women will always be the gatekeepers and it is up to you gals to dictate the pace of the relationship not the other way around. The chase and game playing allows the woman to suss out if the guy is genuine or just wants to get off. It also allows the woman to maintain her dignity and social value. You do not put out or please every stranger you meet.

 

I have read Shadow's previous thread regarding this guy and in it, it was clear that Shadow had no social value, the dud just lead things while Shadow happily complied with every request, even went out on a limb of trying to satisfy the dud's 'assumed' needs (Shadow:'did I mess this up by doing x,y,z with him??')-WTH??!! I know compromise is needed in relationships but you do not go out of your way to please a stranger you barely know. Even with friends you need to set boundaries or they will walk all over you>>>>>>This is why you feel used OP.

 

As for being a tease which was mentioned in this thread and the other, trust me, guys cannot stand these types of women but at the same time are very much drawn to them. Its better than putting out too quick.

[elaina]

Of course. I'd also like her to not let her emotions get the better of her, which they clearly did.

 

I think some women (and men too) do have a hard time with controlling emotions. For me, it's a struggle to control my emotions sometimes, but what helps me is when I remember that I shouldn't base my self worth on a guy or on whatever I'm being emotional about, but rather enjoy life. So, I understand how she is so afraid of him not liking her that she does things that doesn't help. It is not that she means to sabotage herself, I don't think. Sometimes fear of not being liked or being rejected or abandoned does really hurt so much that it is hard to control it. It is also hard for some women to not base her self-worth on a guy she likes. Emotions are pretty powerful and are sometimes hard to understand and control, especially if someone has been hurt before and is so afraid of being hurt again.

 

 

 

She was going to do what she wanted.

 

I think she just wants to be liked and desired and adored by a guy she liked, which is why she was so worried. It's not fun to worry about if a guy truly likes you and wants to be with you, especially if you like him and want him to like you.

[alexlakeman]

I see 1-2 guys posting more than one time on this thread, especially with guy pics on their avatars that is NOT them, lol... no life..

 

Anyway, cliff's notes? You got f'ed by a guy and he didn't call back?

[Mad Max]

I see 1-2 guys posting more than one time on this thread, especially with guy pics on their avatars that is NOT them, lol... no life..

 

Anyway, cliff's notes? You got f'ed by a guy and he didn't call back?

 

 

Would you rather me use my own pic as an avatar ?

[threebyfate]

shadow, this guy is worth less than a spit in a bucket.

 

Don't let this get you down. Don't internalize his meaningless opinion.

[SpanksTheMonkey]

Would you rather me use my own pic as an avatar ?

 

Apparently that would make your posts more worthy didn't ya know?

[VeveCakes]

I see 1-2 guys posting more than one time on this thread, especially with guy pics on their avatars that is NOT them, lol... no life..

 

Anyway, cliff's notes? You got f'ed by a guy and he didn't call back?

 

Pretty much, after everyone told her not too... And I mean its only been TWO days, he could still contact her

[Mad Max]

Apparently that would make your posts more worthy didn't ya know?

 

 

We're both Québecois. We're all the same.

[VeveCakes]

We're both Québecois. We're all the same.

 

You're from Quebec, that explains everything! Haha

[Mad Max]

You're from Quebec, that explains everything! Haha

 

 

It's the French that people hate, not Canadians.

[shadowplay]

Why did you decide to sleep with him? I fear it's because you figured if you slept with him he would like you more. This is obviously the wrong reason. You haven't slept with someone this early because the emotional attachment wasn't there yet.

 

You even said it in your "reason" to sleep with him. "I didn't really want the sex, just the feeling after the sex". Uhhh look you should also really WANT the sex. Have sex with him becuase he turns you on and you WANT to be with him. You do like him and you feel like expressing it. Don't do it to make him like you more. Again, another form of supplication.

 

That's why I was saying earlier you could sleep with him this early, for the right reasons. It sounds like it's for the wrong reasons - you wanted him to like you more so you slept with him. If it was for the right reasons, then you had great sex it was fun as hell and you are happy.

 

Also, uhhh you stopped before he was done? This isn't good. Have good sex is important.

 

Finally, stop thinking "Oh he just wants sex from me". This is KILLING YOU. You are going into this thinking "**** as soon as I sleep with him he's going to take off". Wow, what a bad way to go into things. Unlike all I wrote above (which may be true may not) this IS something I see you doing. This probably hurts your chances of making a connection with him too. You are too full of worried and what-ifs.

 

Finally you didn't do anything foolish or silly before the sex. Girls throw up all kinds of resitence before things are a go. It's not a big deal. It's the guys job to calm the insecurities or wait until she's very very ready (better to calm the insecurities). The things you describe are TOTALLY NORMAL. They happen all the time. There is tons of pickup info on how to calm these worries. In fact it's expected this sort of thing will happen. There is more last minute resistence (pickup lingo for LMR) the more not-ready the girl is. The shorter time you know her the more LMR is expected. She's worried about a one-and-done. It's just a sign you could use more of a connection - in this case you shoudl have just been more emotionally centered (I think).

 

Anyhow, hope this helps.

 

But that's exactly what he did. AS soon as we slept together, he started ignoring me.

[Mad Max]

But that's exactly what he did. AS soon as we slept together, he started ignoring me.

 

 

You slept with him and you left. How long could he have possibly been ignoring you? It doesn't make sense.

[shadowplay]

Doesn't matter if this guy's a player or not, though. Shadow consciously made this decision. She wasn't woo'd or persuaded. That said, is he a player? Doubtful:

 

Shadow wasn't even sure this guy was interested before their second date.

 

Then she decides to have sex with him, still before the second date, and still while wondering if he's even interested in her.

 

Then she gets upset wondering if he's going to invite her to his place, not because she wants to go, but because it would be another sign he's not interested in her.

 

But he does invite her in, and they get naked. Ultimately, she offers him sex. He accepts her offer, but they don't even "finish."

 

She then chases after him via text message.

 

She didn't make a mistake. She made a conscious choice, one that by her own words would have a predictable outcome.

 

Where's the player behavior here? It doesn't exist. Rather, Shadow disrespected herself.

 

If he's not a player then why did he have sex with me and then ignore me after? I didn't seduce him either. He always initiated the physical contact and invites, I just went along with it.

[Mad Max]

If he's not a player then why did he have sex with me and then ignore me after? I didn't seduce him either. He always initiated the physical contact and invites, I just went along with it.

 

 

No, you initiated it:

 

 

So a few minutes later while we were kissing more I said, "do you have a condom?" He said he did in his dresser, and I said "maybe we can for just a bit." WTF?

 

 

You asked for the condom, which was an open invitation for sex. Maybe he ignored you because you left without saying anything.

[shadowplay]

If he didn't "use" me then why do you guys think he started ignoring me after we had sex?