Ugh, feel used... :(

[LondonS]

I disagree. We can sympathize with the OP but deep down, she knew what would happen. I think the posts in this thread have actually been supportive.

 

Exactly, Part of solving a problem is realizing that there is a problem for starters...most posts are pointing at those facts.

[dispatch3d]

Why did you decide to sleep with him? I fear it's because you figured if you slept with him he would like you more. This is obviously the wrong reason. You haven't slept with someone this early because the emotional attachment wasn't there yet.

 

You even said it in your "reason" to sleep with him. "I didn't really want the sex, just the feeling after the sex". Uhhh look you should also really WANT the sex. Have sex with him becuase he turns you on and you WANT to be with him. You do like him and you feel like expressing it. Don't do it to make him like you more. Again, another form of supplication.

 

That's why I was saying earlier you could sleep with him this early, for the right reasons. It sounds like it's for the wrong reasons - you wanted him to like you more so you slept with him. If it was for the right reasons, then you had great sex it was fun as hell and you are happy.

 

Also, uhhh you stopped before he was done? This isn't good. Have good sex is important.

 

Finally, stop thinking "Oh he just wants sex from me". This is KILLING YOU. You are going into this thinking "**** as soon as I sleep with him he's going to take off". Wow, what a bad way to go into things. Unlike all I wrote above (which may be true may not) this IS something I see you doing. This probably hurts your chances of making a connection with him too. You are too full of worried and what-ifs.

 

Finally you didn't do anything foolish or silly before the sex. Girls throw up all kinds of resitence before things are a go. It's not a big deal. It's the guys job to calm the insecurities or wait until she's very very ready (better to calm the insecurities). The things you describe are TOTALLY NORMAL. They happen all the time. There is tons of pickup info on how to calm these worries. In fact it's expected this sort of thing will happen. There is more last minute resistence (pickup lingo for LMR) the more not-ready the girl is. The shorter time you know her the more LMR is expected. She's worried about a one-and-done. It's just a sign you could use more of a connection - in this case you shoudl have just been more emotionally centered (I think).

 

Anyhow, hope this helps.

[Mad Max]

Supportive but some were a bit harsh in my opinion. Do you just like to disagree with everything I say?

 

Even if you knew what would happen, it still hurts. Although it is up to her to change things.

 

 

The closest posts to being harsh were WalkingtheAbyss's and atlnay's, and even their posts weren't attacks. They were blunt, but honest. IMO, the only reason you think they're harsh is because you were in a similar situation. And how am I disagreeing with everything you say? This is only the second time I've interacted with you.

 

 

I don't doubt that it hurts, but you can so at any given time. And deep down, you have to know how it's going to end.

[WalkingtheAbyss]

Of course its going to hurt, thats nature. You know its going to hurt if you touch a hot baking tray, you do your best for it not to happen but alas, your thumb catches it and guess what, it hurts.

 

Thing is no matter what angle you look at it this is one of the unavoidable moments in life that cant be put down to being used but meerly bad luck. All you can do is chin up and use this as a life lesson

[Star Gazer]

That's a "her obligation" to bring up, not a "his obligation." She willingly had sex with a man on a second date after his expressing that it was OK if they didn't. She wasn't used in the least.

 

Agreed. Shadow isn't a victim here.

 

She offered him NSA sex, and made sex her idea when she asked about the condom. He just accepted her offer.

[dispatch3d]

fwiw your mindset should be: "I am going to **** (capital f-word) your brains out and you don't even realize it!!!!" Good mindset. Damn it I want sex from that kinda girl right now! ;-)

[Mad Max]

Can't edit my post, but I meant to say that you can say no at any given time.

[2sunny]

why do YOU decide to sleep with him knowing it's going to hurt YOU? i'd love to know...

[Kamille]

fwiw your mindset should be: "I am going to **** (capital f-word) your brains out and you don't even realize it!!!!" Good mindset. Damn it I want sex from that kinda girl right now! ;-)

 

Precisely why I recommend keeping the dates out of private places until the moment you know you want to sleep with a guy. That way, you can focus on taking his clothes off, not whether or not you should have sex, even as you're having sex.

 

But, Shadow, I'm sorry. To paraphrase 2sure, one day you're going to have to decide to stand up for yourself and your own well-being. What stood out to me in your first post is that you were worried he wouldn't invite you back to his place because you would have interpreted it to mean he didn't like you. You didn't even want to go back to his place because you felt like it. It was all about making sure he liked you. Why? Why was making sure this near stranger liked you so important?

[Cee]

(((((Shadow))))))))

 

I wanted to throw in some love and support into this thread. Take the night as a learning experience. I appreciate your honesty because a lot of us have been in the same situation. I did a similar thing this week, but because I've been down this road before, I knew he wouldn't call. And I didn't want him to. I was mad at myself because I treated myself cheaply & I deserve much better than that.

 

Online dating seems to have a high proportion of players. They come in all stripes and sizes. Watch out for them.

 

I hope you feel better soon.

[jamesum]

Men know women get attached and clingy after sex and they no longer feel the attraction because they suddenly become doormats.

 

So if you are the kind of women who turn clingy after sex, then dont do it so early. Early sex is only for assertive and confident women.

[Star Gazer]

But, Shadow, I'm sorry. To paraphrase 2sure, one day you're going to have to decide to stand up for yourself and your own well-being. What stood out to me in your first post is that you were worried he wouldn't invite you back to his place because you would have interpreted it to mean he didn't like you. You didn't even want to go back to his place because you felt like it. It was all about making sure he liked you. Why? Why was making sure this near stranger liked you so important?

 

She also had sex with him to make sure he liked her, knowing full well it was going to have the opposite result.

 

And I agree with you completely, Kam. One day Shadow's going to have to put HER well-being first, and stop making decisions based on what will make the guy happy.

[atlnay]

I dont think anyone has been harsh to OP as much as there are two versions of support I liken to a female toddler falling and not hurting herself. Th type that rushes over & dotes & coddles her till she cries vs. The time that lets her pick herself of and cheer her on for being a big girl. I don't coddle grown women who make conscious decisions, even if they have emotional hangups clouding their choices. It's silly. Now if she wer in HS, for one I wouldnt even reply, but I think OP, like most women over 21 on LS know reality but like to idealize men & situations. The sooner women stop doing that, the less drama they'll invite into their lives.

[spookie]

Shadow,

 

Don't be too hard on yourself. Many of us have put ourselves in the same situation.

 

Hell, I slept with my ex on Wednesday knowing full well I was doing the OPPOSITE of looking out for my own well-being.

 

But there's at least one good lesson to be learned here.

 

Now you know you how NSA sex makes you feel.

[Cee]

I'd be curious to hear what men do in dating situations in terms of sex when they are looking for a relationship, not just a ONS. Do you guys sleep with women on the second date and then call? Do you put off sex until trust is established?

 

I guess what I'm asking is: how does a woman separate the players from the regular guys?

[Star Gazer]

I guess what I'm asking is: how does a woman separate the players from the regular guys?

 

She WAITS until she's ready. A player won't wait. A guy really interested in a relationship with her will.

 

If you're relationship-minded, there's NO HARM in waiting...ever.

[Mad Max]

Do you guys sleep with women on the second date and then call? Do you put off sex until trust is established?

 

 

Me personally, no. I only sleep with a woman once we're in a committed relationship and we've both been tested for STDs. You don't know a person that well after 2 dates.

 

 

I guess what I'm asking is: how does a woman separate the players from the regular guys?

 

 

Simple. If you don't put out usually by date 3 or so, the player will take off and will find someone that puts out fast. A decent guy will stick around.

[threebyfate]

Shadow, you're downward spiraling again. I wish I could somehow inject a dose of core solidity into you. Dammit girl, when are you going to realize that external opinion means squat.

[USMCHokie]

I'd be curious to hear what men do in dating situations in terms of sex when they are looking for a relationship, not just a ONS. Do you guys sleep with women on the second date and then call? Do you put off sex until trust is established?

 

If I'm looking for a relationship, then sex happens when the woman is ready for it...i.e., she doesn't stop me...

 

 

I guess what I'm asking is: how does a woman separate the players from the regular guys?

 

I honestly don't know...

[bobdole]

If you're relationship-minded, there's NO HARM in waiting...ever.

 

Not to any extreme. I want a relationship but I'm not going to wait forever for sex. At some point I want to know if we're compatible in the sack.

 

But yes - waiting a reasonable amount of time is no issue.

[Star Gazer]

Dammit girl, when are you going to realize that external opinion means squat.

 

She won't realize it until her own internal opinion is a positive one.

[USMCHokie]

Simple. If you don't put out usually by date 3 or so, the player will take off and will find someone that puts out fast. A decent guy will stick around.

 

Eh, I've seen "players," both on LS and in real life who will wait longer than three dates to hit it and quit it...

[Star Gazer]

Not to any extreme. I want a relationship but I'm not going to wait forever for sex. At some point I want to know if we're compatible in the sack.

 

But yes - waiting a reasonable amount of time is no issue.

 

Yes, I should have clarified that. But by no means on the second date. Historically for me, it's around date 6-8, after exclusivity is established.

 

Good news Shadow is that we often learn from experiences that really hurt us. Hopefully this smarts enough that you won't repeat the same mistake.

[Mad Max]

Eh, I've seen "players," both on LS and in real life who will wait longer than three dates to hit it and quit it...

 

 

If they're having sex on the side, then yes. But, it's generally pretty easy to spot a player.

[InceptorsRule]

 

I made a huge mistake and slept with this guy.

 

But you didn't make a "mistake." You made a choice.

 

You have to learn the difference between the two.

 

You start to feel more in control of your life when you acknowledge these sorts of voluntary actions on your part are deliberate choices, not just "stuff" that somehow "happens."

 

Very few of our choices in life are all good or all bad. You clearly wanted to have sex with this man and you made the choice to do so. You got some degree of physical and emotional pleasure out of it.

 

Just because you have sex with a guy does NOT mean any kind of a serious relationship will necessary come out of it. Your expectation that just because you had sex with a guy one time, he would want to get involved in a serious relationship with you, is completely unrealistic.

 

Sex is valuable for its own sake and you should learn to appreciate it. If you do not think you are quite ready for the emotional impact that goes along with having sex with someone, then what you should do is stop having sex with anyone until you are thoroughly mature enough to deal with it emotionally. You should not "regret" your "mistake", because you did not make a mistake. You made a choice, and you enjoyed the benefits of that choice. If however the after effects/"emotional hangover" of having sex is too much for you to deal with, then you need to recognize that.

 

Certainly your blaming the guy you had sex with for your choice to have sex, making him the bad guy, the "user," is totally out of bounds. You "used" him exactly as much as he "used" you.

 

 

 

I haven't heard from him since, and he didn't respond to the two texts I sent. I feel predictably used and awful.

 

Unfortunately women with the attitude you're displaying towards sex often end up with very messed up attitudes towards it over time. You need to be very careful about all of this. You had sex with a man because you wanted to. You enjoyed it. But you also had an expectation, apparently in your mind a "quid pro quo" was attached, that if you had sex with this guy, it would lead to "something more."

 

Why not just admit that you wanted to have sex with an attractive man, you did have sex, and you enjoyed it? Do you think you're a "better" person than a woman who has sex without caring whether it leads to anything, or without regret, even if it doesn't and she wanted it to?

 

 

 

 

I thought I could have sex without developing feelings, but I was wrong. The truth is I only can with certain guys.

 

Wait a second. Now you seem to be saying that your intention was to have sex with this particular guy without developing feelings for him, but you developed feelings for him despite your intention of having NSA sex?

 

Then why would you conclude that he "used" you? It sounds like you were actually intending to "use" him for NSA sex but it ended up backfiring cause you actually had feelings for him.

 

 

 

I'm feeling pretty fragile right now, so please be sensitive in your responses. I know I made a big mistake. I think I"m done with online dating.

 

No you didn't make a "big mistake." You found an attractive guy, you wanted to have sex with him, you did have sex with him, and now you are actually feeling emotions that you didn't think existed, which were stimulated by the sexual act with him.

 

A lot of women are like this so what you are experiencing is perfectly normal. They develop a strong emotional attachment to a man only after having sex with him. It's biological to a large extent.

 

You have learned something important about yourself and about human nature. Having sex with someone causes you to feel strong emotional attachment towards them.

 

I guess this is something that had not previously occurred to you? Still, why is your lack of knowledge the man's fault?

 

 

 

Here's what happened. On Thursday night we had our second date (dinner and movie). We met on OKC a month and a half ago, but have been talking a bunch since then. Long messages and correspondence. He was more nerdy and awkward then I remembered, almost a bit Aspergers-y, like emotionally detached. I had a bit to drink before the date, so things went pretty smoothly for the first half. After the movie, my buzz faded, and I felt extremely nervous and shy as we strolled around town (his suggestion). I was afraid he wasn't going to invite me back to his place like he did last time, that he had decided he didn't like me. This anxiety clammed me up. But he did.

 

So you wanted him to invite you back to his place. It is a truism that guys do this when they want sex to happen, and I'm sure you were well aware of what such an invitation and your acceptance implied might happen, or set up certain expectations. You wanted it to happen. No "mistake."

 

 

 

At the time I wasn't sure if having sex was the right choice, but one thing led to another. I was very attracted to him (he had an amazing body, and he's very smart), and it was nice, but also a bit awkward since we didn't know each other well. I've never had sex so early on before, and now I understand why most women don't.

 

 

You had sex with him because you wanted to. He was physically attractive but not emotionally threatening to you--"perfect", right? A shy nerdy aspergery guy who you felt you could be in a relationship with whilst you maintained the emotional control over things.

 

 

I did a few really stupid things. When we got into his room, and were touching each other without our clothes in his bed, I said, "I don't know if I want to go any further right now." He said, "OK" but sounded disappointed.

 

Remarkable, he was a total gentleman, supposedly the type of nice guy but not a doormat, that many women say they are looking for.

 

 

 

Then I realized how blockheaded this was, since I would come off as a huge tease. So a few minutes later while we were kissing more I said, "do you have a condom?"

 

Who are you trying to kid, now? In that situation, asking him if he has a condom leaves absolutely no doubt that you wanted to have sex with him, there is no doubt at all about this, no ifs, ands or buts. "Do you have a condom?" is just a nice way for the woman to tell the man "OK it's time to f*ck now I'm ready for it."

 

 

He said he did in his dresser, and I said "maybe we can for just a bit." WTF? I don't know what I was thinking.

 

 

You wanted to have sex with him. That's what you were thinking. But you want to pretend that when you choose to have sex, you are not responsible for that choice. That's why in his mind he's "the user" and you are "the victim."

 

 

 

I guess I felt obliged to have sex at that point

 

Unfortunately this comes off to me as simply a total lie on your part. You were not "obligated" to do anything, you are not "guessing", you went back to his place because you wanted sex, you asked him for a condom when you were ready, you wanted to do it, and you did it.

 

 

 

 

. , but I wanted to get to the after sex part, the part I really like where you cuddle because it's more emotionally connectedSo we had sex for a little while, and then I got off of him and said, "can we stop for a bit?"

 

LOL, the bolded part makes it very very clear that you were in fact the sexual "aggressor" in this interaction, you were riding him, not the other way around. It actually sounds like this sort of shy guy was simply "following your lead" the whole way through. You initiated everything.

 

(It's not clear whether either of you orgasmed or not but I'm not sure how much that really matters at this point.)

 

We cuddled for a long time then fell asleep.

 

Yes, he's a very nice guy, he did the whole cuddly-wuddly thing with you. What's not to like here?

 

 

He was very gentle, and seemed to want to hold me as he slept.

 

 

 

Yup. Nice sensitive guy, just what every girl claims she wants in a man.

 

 

I started having feelings for him because of this.

 

 

The nerve of that guy, foiling your plans to use him for NSA monkey sex by actually being nice, sensitive, and cuddly with you. How dare he "use" you by being nice to you before, during, and after sex....

 

 

After awhile, I told him I couldn't sleep with him holding me (which is true). I woke up at six in the morning and touched his back and he turned around and held and kissed me some more.

 

 

Wow he sounds totally into you. What a cad this man obviously is, by acting in such a way so as to make you unexpectedly feel emotional about having sex with him.

 

 

I don't know why, but I decided I should leave, so I kissed him goodbye (he was still in bed).

 

 

ROFLMAO. You split before the eggs and bacon???? After all his niceness to you? That's not a very good way to build up trust in a relationship. Usually when a woman splits like that before breakfast it means she doesn't want to have anything more to do with the guy, it was just a "one nighter."

 

 

Then I sent him a text as I left that said "I had a really nice time." He never responded. At 3 that afternoon I sent him another that said, "hey what's up."

 

 

Honey once you took off by the dawn's early light why would he want to waste any more time on you? You made yourself perfectly clear by splitting like that after he was obviously trying to show you an awful lot of affection to get over your ambivalence. Maybe he thinks you're a head case and he just doesn't want to waste time.

 

 

 

Usually, I wouldn't have done this, but I knew there was a possibility he didn't get the first text because the day before he told me that he hadn't gotten a few of my texts because sometimes his phone "freaks out." He didn't respond to the second text, and that was yesterday. Then just now (it's the afternoon) he logged on to aim, and he didn't message me. Eventually he changed his message to away.

 

 

 

Did you apologize to the guy for splitting on him?

 

 

Yup. I guess I'm still pretty surprised he used me.

 

IMO you have things exactly backwards, YOU used HIM, not the other way around. You went to his place, asked him if he had the condom, rode him, called all the shots as to whether/when/where/how the sex would happen, allowed him to be all cuddles with you, then you topped it off by abruptly splitting on him before wake up time with no explanation.

 

 

 

I know a lot of guys do that, but somehow he di

dn't seem the type -- being more reflective, shy and nerdy. Also, we spent so much time getting to know each other before the first date, talked about favorite books, hobbies, sent long messages back and forth. The night before our second date we had a long im conversation in which we talked about playing scrabble together some time soon.

 

OP may I ask what your agenda is in even posting this thread?

 

 

 

 

I'll admit this really hurts. I wouldn't have cared had we not had sex. But it stings that he didn't even have the consideration to send me a polite email saying he was no longer interested.

 

Well I'm sure he felt absolutely glorious when you stopped having sex right in the middle with him, got off of him, and then later on topped it off by up and leaving, sort of like a burglar scurrying away from the scene of the crime.

 

Perhaps you should start thinking about doing unto others a little bit more.

 

 

 

 

Also, I felt pretty close to him after the sex. It's kind of an awful feeling.

 

I woke up this morning feeling sick, and on the verge of throwing up.

 

Never again...

 

 

The men of the world give their sincere thanks to you for making this committment.